kathleen allows joey to open one gift

mama doll, mama kiss, sodapop, kiss brothers jimmy and johnny, ludo ludovic, shuggie bo bellski, joey and kat, lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal, and even maynard g. alberkraut were gathered underneath the doll's christmas tree in arcadia last night to eat, drink and be merry. as part of time honored doll family tradition, everyone was allowed to open one gift.

according to sodapop, joey chose the biggest box and inside was one of kathleen's famous IOUs for a new tattoo. so, at around midnight, after several hot toddies, kathleen, sodapop and jimmy dragged joey down to the only tattoo shop open in arcadia on a snowy christmas eve....only to promptly call in their private tattoo artist LOL.

no one touches the doll!

joey beats doll fan after touching kathleen's baby belly; throws them in riot house pool

kathleen and joey were enjoying a typical friday date night - dinner, movie and an assault - when the pair had headlock make a detour and head to the riot house, located in downtown arcadia. she poked her head around the property and was chatting up some guests in the gardens, when a townie thought it would be a wise idea to rub the doll's belly like she was the second coming of buddha or something!

although classy kat giggled and nonchalantly changed the subject, joey wasted no time. he snapped and asked the man WTF he thought he was doing. two nanoseconds later, that man was floating unconscious in the garden pool. when the couple were questioned by riot house security, joey said, "nobody touches my baby," and that kathleen wanted to press charges. when security told her that to do so, police needed to be involved, kathleen laughed and said, "this isn't a joke - i'm not just anybody."

come on, arcadian police get medals for helping the doll's cat down from a tree - they were there lickety split to clean up the situation. minutes after their arrival on the scene, the perp was seen being hauled off in handcuffs, in the back of a paddywagon.

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

is the doll pregnant with jimmy's baby?

yes, you hear me right - jimmy, not fiancé joey, could be the father?! say it ain't so!

rumors are flying around arcadia, cielo, grimaldi and monticello that several months ago, jimmy and kat were spotted together and like it was 2009 all over again; and now she's pregnant! honestly, i could see it - kat has always made a spot in her black heart for jimmy kiss, and those two get on like a house on fire...

regardless, i think joey is destined to have his heart broken by the one and only doll. the sooner he realizes, the better.

it's just funny, because i would have thought von holzy was the baby daddy! with how close those two are becoming, it's only a matter of time before pictures of them kissing in a hidden arcadian glade pop up.

long story short, the doll is a shameless flirt and will never change. if you're a guy, steer clear and if you're a woman, lock up your brothers, husbands and/or sons!

doll fills house and office with magic crystals

makes 1999 lisbon home a crystal castle

she says that they cure her pregnancy aches and pains, but i personally think she is full of baloney! i think they are really used to stir up a magic love spell, aimed directly at hans von holzy haus!

kathleen told the papers today that she has commissioned gem-experts and shamans to fill her home with spiritual objets d'art to help promote divine well-being and a healthy pregnancy. yeah, yeah, yeah - blah, blah, blah.

let's cut to the chase! all of this was just a reason to get hans von holzy involved, because his shaman is her shaman. their shamans know each other. so, naturally, it wasn't long before the two were meditating together, chanting mickey mouse gibberish and weaving dreamcatchers, etc.

she is probably thisclose to naming her child moonbeam zuzana lotusblossom - trust.

happy halloween!

break out the candy and champagne! the kisses have good news!

no, she isn't pregnant with the great pumpkin, kathleen announced tonight that she is nearing her first month of pregnancy, with the baby due in late july. she said, "i feel like it's a baby boy, this time - i'd love a little libra, but a healthy little gemini or cancer will be just as nice." i think she can stop getting her palms read and playing with tarot cards now...

baby babble broke the baby news on her way out of her 1999 lisbon drive home and to her annual riot house costume party. she was dressed as a vintage playboy bunny and joey was dressed as himself. just kidding - he was supposed to be jim morrison, lead singer of the 60s rock group, the doors, but the jokes on him! those leather pants and that concho indian belt were from his personal 'i'm a rockstar" collection and he knows it!

now, i wouldn't be surprised if he dresses like a drunk 60s rock shaman all the time now - the doll was caressing him up and down and all around the dance floor the whole night! it must be all those hormones from being knocked up. she is extra horny and doesn't give a damn who knows it! even if it is for one of the slimy, garbage pail kiss brothers - i still commend her. get it girl! you work too hard to not sexpress yourself!

jimmy kiss - "gossipy bitch"

this is news that we all saw coming, but in the doll's defense - whatever it is, she didn't do it!

sometimes i forget that joey is related to wet mop jimmy, and i'm sure the doll tries to forget every day of her life. we all made mistakes back in high school, but jimmy kiss had to have been the worst.

always greasy, always a punk and generally in a trilby hat - jimmy kiss was the first person to charm baby babble's heart. who knows if it was the coke, the booze or the stars in her eyes, but for years, she and jimmy were in love.

for years he photographed their life together and kathleen wrote about it. naturally, he would have plenty of candid shots and today, he told papers he is thisclose to bringing some of them into the police. jimmy told reporters that he has footage of the doll exchanging money stolen from hep parade to pay for drugs. he needs to check his facts because the beautiful one doesn't pay for drugs - she gets them for free.

where is this coming from, jimmy? one day you are talking about locking lips with her when you were in junior high and the next you are digging a ditch for her good name!

the beautiful one has spanish influenza

dr. kiss reports for duty!

she'll share a pipe with just about anybody, so it comes as no surprise that the doll is sick! paramedics were seen outside of lisbon drive today and headlock told reporters that kathleen has and will be laid up until further notice.
no, sadly, she isn't pregnant! headlock said doctors diagnosed her with influenza, probably from those nasty tourists on the isle of 8 balls grimaldi : where people don't wear shoes or underwear.
the funny thing is, joey kiss is the worst doctor and is totally sleeping on the floor tonight or in the doghouse or on a couch in headlock's shack. one of the three. headlock told reporters that kathleen demanded he call paramedics because he wouldn't even take her temperature! joey is so paranoid she is going to get him sick that he won't even be in the same room as the poor doll.
dumb joey! it's just the flu! don't be such a pussy!

doll watches twilight zone episode, gets scared, dials 911

sleeps with murder weap by bed

joey kiss better hurry up and finish his (excuse for a heroin bender)  scouting for shady lake, because the doll won't last much longer! she is still alone in arcadia at the kiss cradle and she is beginning to crack. she phoned police at 3 AM after hearing scary noises while watching an equally as scary episode of the twilight zone. you can blame it on the witching hour or she was probably high off her face on cocaine, but the story still remains the same.

kathleen told police that she can't stand being away from joey and gets scared easily - she sleeps with the light on and with a shotgun next to the bed. gulp, a shotgun? that sounds like an accident waiting to happen. i hope joey is aware of this.

in his defense, he tried to say that the doll has a super duper magical unicorn security gate that will protect her from all the weirdos of the world…..

just kidding! it’s 2013 and no one is safe from anything anymore. it's no wonder she's got some firepower at arm's reach - lest we forget she was brutally attacked in arcadia! a security gate doesn't mean shit anymore. if this was a test to prove that he can take care of the doll, he just flunked big time.

joey kiss goes on stag weekend, forgets to tell doll

joey and others leave town to scout locations for shady lake

the doll is all alone in arcadia tonight - joey kiss is out of town in monticello, scouting possible filming locations for shady lake. and he couldn't do it alone! he brought johnny kiss, sodapop and ludo ludovic along for what looks like more of a boys weekend than a business trip. as for headlock and shuggie bo bellski - the two have also taken the weekend off to go to a baseball game in cielo. enter beau badman in 3, 2, 1.....

baby babble told the papers that she plans on spending the weekend soaking in the tub, writing, watching old horror movies, smoking doobies, blasting punk music, having séances, painting her nails, watching the twilight zone, reading her future via tarot cards, planning the wedding of the century, listening to the wolfman jack show, etc...but she will definitely NOT be calling joey kiss for anything!

she told reporters that he hasn't called for 2 days, but sodapop has! and you know the mouth on soda - before long, he had spilled everything.

apparently the crew isn't exclusively scouting for locations, the boys have also taken it upon themselves to party like it's 1999. poor doll. she's just jealous! at home, all alone while the boys are on a stag weekend. oh well, she'll live.

the kisses go to arcadia for the holidays

fires warning shot at photographers

kathleen and joey were in arcadia all of twenty minutes, when photographers swarmed them inside the airport and followed them all the way home to their 1999 lisbon drive residence. by the time headlock pulled the gravedigger up, though, flashers wasted no time in rushing the gates and continuing inside the property on foot. this is when headlock parked at the garage, grabbed his pistol and proceeded to fire a warning shot in the air.
the reporter got the hint and drove off, but not before calling the cops to snitch on headlock! later on, officers arrived outside of the kiss cradle and as soon as they saw kathleen, they shrugged, sighed, turned off the sirens and went home. arcadian police and the doll go way back - they wouldn't dream of prosecuting her to the fullest extent of the law! also, i know what you're thinking - holidays? but it's october!

the wet mop strikes again!

spills about being first kiss

jimmy kiss will never stop being jimmy kiss, which means we all need to expect him to open his big, fat mouth every now and again. today was no exception to this rule, as he regaled the flashers with all of his best, unused back catalog memories of him and the doll. let's take a trip down memory lane...even back in the day, when the doll still had bows and ribbons in her hair, stars in her eyes and a backpack on her shoulders, she was messing with kiss! jimmy pretty much swore on the torah in front of the flashers that the two go back to their teen years, to when baby babble was 13 and he was 15. ZOMG bb! 13??! so young. such innocence lost. back before jimmy was greasy and his wardrobe exclusively consisted of ripped denim jeans and leather jackets; before the beautiful one had her itsy bitsy babydoll dresses, her foilie-smoke stained ballet slippers and a nasty denim jacket to match...to a more simpler time, when jimmy kiss and kathleen grace were in high school in arcadia. jimmy told the flashers that during this time, the doll was very much a "little girl" and not the "bitch" she is now. um, okay...

he also went on to say that before him, she had never had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy! he soon put an end to that, and even had the dusty pictures to prove it! jimmy told it as the kiss took place somewhere near the end of the school year and that he, the doll and a group of friends were together at a house show, when kathleen decided it would be the perfect time to snap a photo. she pulled a camera out of her purse and this is when jimmy uttered the soon to be famous phrase, "this would be a better photo," and proceeded to then lock lips with the unsuspecting doll. jimmy claimed that from then on, the two were inseparable and that she would even sneak him through her window at night while mama doll was in the next room asleep! bold - i applaud her for being that girl, even in junior high.

jimmy painted a typical night like this : the two of them, rolling around underneath the covers, while soft, 90s alternative rock plays. candles and incense are lit and it smells like doobies. posters of riot grrrl bands hang on the walls and her homework in on her vanity, next to her makeup. sounds like some junior high shit. yawn.

i hope your tats don't run!

love tats for kat and joey

both kisses cemented their love for each other today with a sentimental tattoo of a simple heart with an arrow going through it. kathleen chose hers to be in purple and joey opted for turquoise. in other doll news, the two want to spend the summer on the isle of grimaldi, and are trying to get back ASAP. that is, after joey gets arrested again! just kidding, he's staying there for the vitamin D. hopefully it'll cure him from trying to off himself. kathleen is attached to his hip like always, smoking foilies out of seashells and communicating in a language only mermaids understand.

you can STFU anytime, sodapop!

loose lips sink ships

kathleen's pinch-hitter publicist, brother and all around loudmouth sodapop cola has really outdone himself this time. in between his ultra demanding and high-paced schedule of taking wingnut on walks around the neighborhood and snooping in the doll's diary for possible press material, soda has signed a deal for a tell-all book about his sister. i only have three things to say about this:

1.) soda loves to blab about everyone's personal life, so this really comes as no surprise.....what surprises me is that it's not a how-to manual on diming your famous siblings out for a living!

2.) you'd have to be a class A moron to write a tell-all about the one person who puts a roof over your head 

3.) you know that there's a totally a ghostwrite for his book......and his name is jimmy kiss

after sodapop finished dishing to reporters about his deal, he then switched gears to joey kiss' trouble with the law. he told the fence that if the kisses ever return from grimaldi, joey faces several court dates and a possible stint in the big house. then again, you know how the arcadian judicial system works when it comes to matters involving the doll - joey will be out in minutes for good behavior. in other doll news, it's good to have her back in the public eye, because i missed her scrawny ass. seriously. santa claus answered my prayers early this year with "green for the money; gold for the honey." it also gave us an introduction to baby babble's chef, shuggie bo bellski. shuggie pretty much sounds like a funky pimp from harlem in the 1970s, so he must be the perfect fit to the doll's team. besides, anyone who can get along with the bitch of all bitches - headlock - is immediately hired on, so shuggie didn't really have a choice as it is.

baby babble babbles to fans

although today was the original date of her wedding, kathleen is spending it instead speaking to fans in the wake of joey's attempted suicide. the doll wasted no time in breaking the news to the media, figuring it better to hear it from her, rather than anyone else. she also chose to ignore her managers and publicists and addressed her fans this afternoon outside of her easy street hills home and after  reading one of joey's love letters, she played what would have been his final message, recorded on her home answer-phone machine:

to my doll:
seeing as this is coming from the heart of a melancholy man in mourning, i hope you'll be able to understand this.
doll, for as long as i can remember - i have been in love with you; which, at times has been good for me and at times bad for me. you're like my heroin. i can't fool you, or anyone else for that matter - i am 100% in love with you.
i believe what ultimately has led me to this choice is the realization that the life i currently lead has gone to nothing but shit. i have lost my baby, my mind, my life to addiction. also, i feel that the pressures of reaching superstardom with the success i've found with the lost boys and L3 M30W have aided in my decision.
perhaps if luxy had made it there wouldn't be such a gap in my relationship with you. i blame only myself baby. so, from the bottom of my black and burning heart - i love you. i love you and hope that someday you can find a way to forgive me baby.

i only have one one thing to say: you're like my heroin.
after playing what might have been joey's last words to the world, kathleen opened up the gates and began handing out some of the couple's personal items : their engagement announcement photo, a signed copy of L3 M30W, a pair of joey's boots, lux zarathustra's baby rattle, kathleen's wedding veil, an empty bottle of prescription pills....the list just goes on and on and on. the exchange with fans ultimately had to come to a close, though, once the doll tried to bring some of the crowd inside the gates for a house tour. headlock ushered her inside while sodapop told press a bunch of juicy details about his sister's downward spiral. like, for instance, soda said that drug dealers make stops by the house every single day and some even know the gate codes. he added that if she's not with joey at the hospital, kathleen mainly stays in her bedroom, has been refusing food, and has been off the wagon since joey tried to off himself.
in other doll news, her book ☺  is due out soon and critics are already warming a spot for it at the top of all the best-seller lists, as well as predicting several literary awards in her future.

after the laughter, comes the tears

joey kiss knocks on heaven's door, gets told to 'kick rocks'

kathleen was hard at work on her new column this morning at the pretty people club offices when she received an alarming phone call from headlock, urging her to come home. by the time she made it through arcadia's hellish morning traffic, police and ambulances were in the driveway, reporters were just beginning to arrive. before long, the entire block was a media circus, complete with journalists hounding neighbors and sneaking through backyards, all in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the greek tragedy that is the beautiful one's life.

soon after news broke that 1999 lisbon was ground zero for some real doll drama, fans of both joey and kathleen began to gather outside of the gates as well.the doll made it through the main gates when her brother, sodapop cola, jaunted up to her. he broke the news that joey kiss attempted to take his life this morning and was in critical condition at the couple's lisbon drive home.

joey had been missing for several days and was thought to be in cielo; but returned yesterday to arcadia and had been holed up, on the edge of the property, in a small guest cottage. his body was discovered by sodapop; details are still sketchy as to exactly what happened or what the hell is even going on.

one thing is for sure, though - those close to kathleen say, despite joey's recent trials and tribulations, "they were very close and they were very much in love."

police and medical technicians were on the scene early this afternoon and joey is currently in the intensive care unit. for now, kathleen has traded in the kiss cradle for the riot house. from there i'm sure she will probably fill her suite with alligator tears, smoke foilies and wonder why it couldn't have been beau badman instead.

cop-caller beau badman calls cops

beau is at it again!

it seemed like the start of any normal day in beau badman's life - he woke up at his local traphouse around noon, put on his rattiest trilby and headed down to the nearest corner to begin his day of tricking for the flashers. beau wasted no time and began talking their ears off; he filled reporters' heads with nonsense about everything: from the doll's miscarriage of baby lux his own homemade allegations that joey kiss is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin seed eater. beau confirmed that the night of the alleged "accident," he witnessed the two kisses getting high as a kite on heroin. yeah, right, beau!

and kathleen was the first to call him out. even though she's sworn off all contact with the papers, not more than 20 minutes later, kathleen was on the phone with the local television network and confirmed that beau is stoned off his ass on crack. the doll said that he is still bitter from their breakup a zillion years ago and that she and joey should "teach him a lesson he'll never forget."

beau immediately took that as a threat and walked his happy ass to the arcadian police station to file a report against her! he told cops that kathleen loves to harass him and her statements on television are a prime example of this. officers surely must have been dipping into beau's secret stash, because they filed the report!
in the end, the doll's lawyer - judah fussganger - laughed away the report. judah said - much to no one's surprise - that beau is crazy to think he has a case and that he doubts police will even go so far as to question the beautiful one.

and even though beau badman can now consider himself #1 on the kisses' shitlist,  they're really gunning for the fence. after the "oh, baby, baby, baby" article in the doll's own pretty people club magazine, the two kisses have sworn off all contact with reporters. the journo behind the article referred to joey as a "heroin junkie" and implied that the two would be shitty parents. oh hell to the no! i'm on the doll's team all the way - beau badman may be an asshole for life, but the press should give babygirl some respect in her dark days. team doll!

trouble at camp doll!

R.I.P. lux zarathustra kiss

kathleen loses baby lux zarathustra or julia jane. 

last night, as nine-month pregnant kathleen and joey kiss were travelling from arcadia to cielo by way of the gravedigger, the automobile was hit by a drunk driver and totaled. sadly, the kisses were travelling on a rural road and were not given medical attention for several hours. by the time kathleen was seen by a doctor, she had miscarried.

and if things weren't bad enough in the doll's life, as the kisses were making their way out of the hospital, photographers swarmed around the beautiful one like pigs at feeding time. instictivally, joey manuvered through the pit, shoving any flashers in his way, using any means necessary to get his fiancée the f-u-c-k out of there. press asked kathleen and joey for a comment today, but the couple has sworn off all contact with the press after their last interview with kathleen's own the pretty people club. her last comment made in the press was, "i don't count anything that the fence writes as worth a shit. it isn't real to me - or to joey for that matter."

so, the flashers are speculating the miscarriage is due to heroin and alcohol abuse - they say that baby babble loves to log important boozing hours at the riot house when nobody's looking. rumors are flying around everywhere that, not only did the doll's management staging an intervention on the couple before the announce of the pregnancy, but they were about to stage a second intervention on joey once the baby came. everyone is saying they saw it coming - but i sure as hell didn't! this news is sad, so sad and my black heart goes out to the beautiful one. R.I.P. lux zarathusta....or julia jane.

riot house #2 opens in arcadia

while the doll has been laid up getting pregnanter and pregnanter - and also while joey has been laid up off the heroin needle - a crew of big, grizzly bear construction men have been hard at work finishing the second riot house. located in the trendy downtown area, on the corner of nova boulevard and 1st street, hotel and nightclub opened its doors for the first time last night to all the lovers of arcadia. lines of people wrapped around the block for hours and by midnight, the hotel had no vacancies. kathleen, who has been resting low profile from the fence in arcadia for the past few weeks, was not set to attend the event; yet, when she heard about the crowds, she hopped in the gravedigger and hit the gas.

still, sideways reporters were clearly the last thing on the kisses' minds as they graced the disco dancefloor - though the doll is nine months pregnant. the club was completed with the 'man-in-the-moon' piece which features a gigantic full moon with a man's face...as well as a gigantic spoonful of blow being shoveled into the nose. if anyone's wondering what a sweeping art installation promoting cocaine usage is doing in the middle of a club, that has the doll written all over it.

but the best part of this story came when, outside of the club, one of kathleen's mates passed out cold of a heroin overdose. the incident took place early this morning and left everybody stunned.....everybody except kathleen, that is! the doll waddled up and wasted no time in snapping, "don't worry - it's just an overdose, i know what to do," at the photographers who were too busy snapping pictures to listen. naturally today's headlines read, "KATHLEEN : DON'T WORRY - IT'S JUST AN O.D." she's totally going to be a great mom.

wut's in a name?

i've been missing the doll lately, so i was happily surprised to find her fiancé joey kiss' name in the papers today. not only did joey spill that the baby will be a girl; but pretty on the inside magazine - in an effort to show the public what a healthy, happy couple the kisses really are - asked the two to come up with a list of their three favorite baby names :

KATHLEEN

1.) jesus
2.) lux zarathustra
3.) coco rodriguez

JOEY 

1.) julia jane
2.) sharon abbie
3.) nancy stella

okay, i think it's time for the doll to get her monthly head-check. WTF is with her choice of names? she's got to be pulling our legs with that coco shit! then again, it's not like joey's list is any better - all of his names sound like they could easily pass for the handle of any 1940's WWII pin-up girl.

in response to the news that their baby is female, joey said, "i'm on cloud 9 that we'll have a girl, may she eventually rule the world."

kathleen also commented with, "people are showering me with love - it's all very surreal. no, bizarre - that's a better word. actually, uncanny. it's all very uncanny to joey and i." i'm sure that's probably true; being pregnant is like being in outer space to the doll - she can't rail lines of china white every fifteen minutes or guzzle booze 'round the clock anymore.