no one touches the doll!

joey beats doll fan after touching kathleen's baby belly; throws them in riot house pool

kathleen and joey were enjoying a typical friday date night - dinner, movie and an assault - when the pair had headlock make a detour and head to the riot house, located in downtown arcadia. she poked her head around the property and was chatting up some guests in the gardens, when a townie thought it would be a wise idea to rub the doll's belly like she was the second coming of buddha or something!

although classy kat giggled and nonchalantly changed the subject, joey wasted no time. he snapped and asked the man WTF he thought he was doing. two nanoseconds later, that man was floating unconscious in the garden pool. when the couple were questioned by riot house security, joey said, "nobody touches my baby," and that kathleen wanted to press charges. when security told her that to do so, police needed to be involved, kathleen laughed and said, "this isn't a joke - i'm not just anybody."

come on, arcadian police get medals for helping the doll's cat down from a tree - they were there lickety split to clean up the situation. minutes after their arrival on the scene, the perp was seen being hauled off in handcuffs, in the back of a paddywagon.

jimmy kiss - "gossipy bitch"

this is news that we all saw coming, but in the doll's defense - whatever it is, she didn't do it!

sometimes i forget that joey is related to wet mop jimmy, and i'm sure the doll tries to forget every day of her life. we all made mistakes back in high school, but jimmy kiss had to have been the worst.

always greasy, always a punk and generally in a trilby hat - jimmy kiss was the first person to charm baby babble's heart. who knows if it was the coke, the booze or the stars in her eyes, but for years, she and jimmy were in love.

for years he photographed their life together and kathleen wrote about it. naturally, he would have plenty of candid shots and today, he told papers he is thisclose to bringing some of them into the police. jimmy told reporters that he has footage of the doll exchanging money stolen from hep parade to pay for drugs. he needs to check his facts because the beautiful one doesn't pay for drugs - she gets them for free.

where is this coming from, jimmy? one day you are talking about locking lips with her when you were in junior high and the next you are digging a ditch for her good name!

the kisses go to arcadia for the holidays

fires warning shot at photographers

kathleen and joey were in arcadia all of twenty minutes, when photographers swarmed them inside the airport and followed them all the way home to their 1999 lisbon drive residence. by the time headlock pulled the gravedigger up, though, flashers wasted no time in rushing the gates and continuing inside the property on foot. this is when headlock parked at the garage, grabbed his pistol and proceeded to fire a warning shot in the air.
the reporter got the hint and drove off, but not before calling the cops to snitch on headlock! later on, officers arrived outside of the kiss cradle and as soon as they saw kathleen, they shrugged, sighed, turned off the sirens and went home. arcadian police and the doll go way back - they wouldn't dream of prosecuting her to the fullest extent of the law! also, i know what you're thinking - holidays? but it's october!

today's headlines : "the doll makes £600,000 mistake"

i have a feeling the doll is wanting to crawl into a little doll ball and disappear from the world for awhile. first she has jimmy kiss running around, reminding everyone that the two used to make out when they were 14 year olds; and now she has sammy "third degree" burns wondering where his £600,000 ran off to! i am positive sammy is reading the headlines of the local grimaldi newspaper with a disapproving look. it went down yesterday, when what was supposed to be a routine trip to the bank went awry. by complete accident, the doll misplaced £600,000 of sammy's money and didn't even give him so much as an I.O.U!

kathleen's story goes that she got the envelope of money, meant for sammy's personal bank account, and on the way to the bank, she accidentally dropped some of the money in the envelope while at the gas station. more like dropped it in a drug dealer's hands! i know what you're thinking, doesn't she know how to count? but don't blame the doll - she left public school at a tender age to pursue a higher life of shooting dope and hopping trains with greasy punks. oh, and frenching an entire family whose name rhymes with 'piss.' luckily this is something we can all *sigh* and LOL about now, because sammy has chosen to bail out his chosen one yet again. he decided to spare the doll, and her multimillion dollar contract because, "what's nothing to someone who gives it away for free? she's not for sale so money is of no object..." ok, i want a handful of what they're on.

the kisses' baby will surely be born a dope junkie

consider kathleen and joey's feathers ruffled; couple sues press over erroneous gossip

um, ok - if i were a journo in arcadia, i would start looking for a new job. albeit 'right hook' kathleen is the opposite of happy with the rumor that her unborn child is going to be born addicted to heroin - joey is a flip-floppity jillion on the scale of 1 to angry.

he is smarting over one story in particular, featured in arcadia's daily newspaper; with the headline of 'THE BEAUTIFUL ONE' IS THE DOPEY ONE - CONTINUES TO TAKE HEROIN AND COCAINE WHILE PREGNANT everyone in this star system figured that the shit was nanoseconds away from hitting the fan. now, all the photographers in a five-mile radius of joey know that if they do so much as look at him the wrong way, they'll be met with a fist to their flashbulbs. as for the writers, he's prepared to snap every one of their pencils over his knee; so, it's only natural that upon sight of the kisses, reporters hide faster than a hooker in running shoes upon the sound of a police siren wail.

there is even gossip going around the streets that joey is ringing up and intimidating a select number of popular journos; it's been reported that the doll's paramour has been leaving recorded threats on various writer and photographers' answer-phone machines. joey warned that if they didn't leave their jobs as head bullshit pushers in the swill industry, he would personally see to it that they never work again.

and, you guessed it - no sources were named in the article; but 'those close' to the couple say that baby babble is really, truly, seriously back to riding bareback on the white pony. it came as no surprise that the dailies' sensationalist piece was crammed with lurid lies and libel that lacked originality; still, i'm happy to reveal that at least one person had baby babble's back! after the interviewer suggested that wild honeypie has never, in fact, set her crackpipe down - one individual said that kathleen did, in fact, kick the white girl off of her back...........but that she just recently relapsed is all. duh!

in other doll news, judah fussganger - the kisses' legal representation - marched his shit downtown this morning to file all sorts of charges against the cruel media machine of arcadia. he told - LOL - the fence, "the famed kisses have nested in a venomous town, where it's rare to find someone within the city limits who has a nice thing to say about arcadia's 'it' couple. it's clear as a bell that their baby's health comes before their own now; ergo, this jest from the industry will not go without revenge." um, yeah - the justice system within the city of arcadia is so screwy that it's up to joey to beat the living snot out of every photographer he can get his mitts on until there's none left!

joey kiss' LP slams into record shops like pure china white

L3 M30W puts the lost boys on the map

i'm beginning to think more and more everyday that jimmy was adopted by the kiss family and is, in fact, the son of satan - but joey made me sure of it this week when his work with the lost boys, L3 M30W hit #1 on the arcadian music charts and hasn't left the top spot since! he may be as high off of heroin as his older brother, it doesn't matter - the album has been predicted to go double platinum just in the first week.

then again, the release wasn't exactly a piece of the doll's leftover birthday cake - feathers have been ruffled due to one track, entitled, "hannah humps like a bunny." the lost boys are swearing on a stack of bibles that their hearts were in the right place and joey stated, "let me say this once so we don't have to keep doing this dance - we love women."

en masse, the lost boys and joey kiss' L3 M30W is making boatloads of cash and has most of the moguls in the industry planning a trainhopping adventure for the summertime and have them out buying matching bandannas. even top suit, sammy 'third degree' burns, noted that, "green, hep underground artists are quickly becoming a practical commodity," because they make the most money and stated that the boys' LP proves just thus.

in other doll news, kathleen was at the album launch to support her fiancé - though honestly she looked as if she would rather be cleaning out the high school football team's locker room. most of the fans on the scene were groupies, so you know the beautiful one was super duper thrilled to be there. at one point, it seemed like the million dollar brat was seconds away from inciting puppy wingnut to sic a pack of sluts. "it was so gross," the doll hissed to flashers outside, making a golden defense for herself, "most of the girls were only there to get rocko j. nasty's autograph across their tits; so, yes, for the love of pete, i'm ready to go home." LOL, i'll bet she was.