jimmy kiss - "gossipy bitch"

this is news that we all saw coming, but in the doll's defense - whatever it is, she didn't do it!

sometimes i forget that joey is related to wet mop jimmy, and i'm sure the doll tries to forget every day of her life. we all made mistakes back in high school, but jimmy kiss had to have been the worst.

always greasy, always a punk and generally in a trilby hat - jimmy kiss was the first person to charm baby babble's heart. who knows if it was the coke, the booze or the stars in her eyes, but for years, she and jimmy were in love.

for years he photographed their life together and kathleen wrote about it. naturally, he would have plenty of candid shots and today, he told papers he is thisclose to bringing some of them into the police. jimmy told reporters that he has footage of the doll exchanging money stolen from hep parade to pay for drugs. he needs to check his facts because the beautiful one doesn't pay for drugs - she gets them for free.

where is this coming from, jimmy? one day you are talking about locking lips with her when you were in junior high and the next you are digging a ditch for her good name!

the wedding of the century is back on!

this is not a drill, people

whatever love spell the doll cast on joey is working, because today he announced, with a big smile, that the wedding hiatus is over and the two will be married in january. i am really, seriously and truly hoping that this news is in the wake of another unplanned pregnancy! i demand a shotgun wedding of her. i love babies and seeing the doll with a glow that isn't due to shooting too much dope makes me warm all over.

the underworld, and worldwide, and the wide world of underground still remember freak fest

it was one year ago today that the doll waltzed out on a monticello stage with nothing but an american flag draped over her body...thus, inciting thousands to riot in the middle of nowhere. LOL, i know it sounds like a blast right now, but at the time the doll was in some hot, hot, boiling hot water! R.I.P. to all the sweet concert tees lost in the bonfires created by rioting fans; a shouts out to all the naked girls and all the horny guys; and lastly, a big ups to the doll. because with her, we would never have had a reason to drain our bank accounts and travel all the way out to bumfuck monticello for a gathering of freaks. oh, and i completely forgot to mention all the drugs. and not just the one in the doll's system.

i hope your tats don't run!

love tats for kat and joey

both kisses cemented their love for each other today with a sentimental tattoo of a simple heart with an arrow going through it. kathleen chose hers to be in purple and joey opted for turquoise. in other doll news, the two want to spend the summer on the isle of grimaldi, and are trying to get back ASAP. that is, after joey gets arrested again! just kidding, he's staying there for the vitamin D. hopefully it'll cure him from trying to off himself. kathleen is attached to his hip like always, smoking foilies out of seashells and communicating in a language only mermaids understand.

the world's #1 couple goes to the isle of 8-balls

running around the globe promoting your bestselling book and trying to commit suicide are super tiring activities, so the kisses have decided to take a vacation. they're spending the week on the isle of grimaldi, in the birdcage neighborhood - an area known for it's constant playing of disco music, high occupancy of only the best, extra-fruity homosexuals and widespread usage of club drugs. basically, it's the party that never stops.

kathleen talked argosy, daughter of sammy 'third degree' burns (who owns hep parade ), into opening the doors to her family mansion - today, the doll told papers that she "would never leave," and that argosy made, "a huge tactical error" in giving her the master set of keys.

baby babble then told the fence that she is due back in the office on monday, but has already phoned in sick in advance. yeah, she's sick alright - sick of working! she ended the conversation with reporters by assuring she was not joking.

in other doll news, she has officially changed her address from 1999 lisbon lane, easy street hills of arcadia to big mansion down the street from a bunch of drag clubs, isle of grimaldi

.

baby babble babbles to fans

although today was the original date of her wedding, kathleen is spending it instead speaking to fans in the wake of joey's attempted suicide. the doll wasted no time in breaking the news to the media, figuring it better to hear it from her, rather than anyone else. she also chose to ignore her managers and publicists and addressed her fans this afternoon outside of her easy street hills home and after  reading one of joey's love letters, she played what would have been his final message, recorded on her home answer-phone machine:

to my doll:
seeing as this is coming from the heart of a melancholy man in mourning, i hope you'll be able to understand this.
doll, for as long as i can remember - i have been in love with you; which, at times has been good for me and at times bad for me. you're like my heroin. i can't fool you, or anyone else for that matter - i am 100% in love with you.
i believe what ultimately has led me to this choice is the realization that the life i currently lead has gone to nothing but shit. i have lost my baby, my mind, my life to addiction. also, i feel that the pressures of reaching superstardom with the success i've found with the lost boys and L3 M30W have aided in my decision.
perhaps if luxy had made it there wouldn't be such a gap in my relationship with you. i blame only myself baby. so, from the bottom of my black and burning heart - i love you. i love you and hope that someday you can find a way to forgive me baby.

i only have one one thing to say: you're like my heroin.
after playing what might have been joey's last words to the world, kathleen opened up the gates and began handing out some of the couple's personal items : their engagement announcement photo, a signed copy of L3 M30W, a pair of joey's boots, lux zarathustra's baby rattle, kathleen's wedding veil, an empty bottle of prescription pills....the list just goes on and on and on. the exchange with fans ultimately had to come to a close, though, once the doll tried to bring some of the crowd inside the gates for a house tour. headlock ushered her inside while sodapop told press a bunch of juicy details about his sister's downward spiral. like, for instance, soda said that drug dealers make stops by the house every single day and some even know the gate codes. he added that if she's not with joey at the hospital, kathleen mainly stays in her bedroom, has been refusing food, and has been off the wagon since joey tried to off himself.
in other doll news, her book ☺  is due out soon and critics are already warming a spot for it at the top of all the best-seller lists, as well as predicting several literary awards in her future.

2 many pills!

joey kiss overdoses

and no, this is not an april fools' joke. it's no secret that kat happens to be attracted to loser males with an addiction to more than just kissing her sweet lips; and joey kiss is no exception to the rule. he demonstrated this flawlessly last night after being rushed to hospital, unconscious from an apparent overdose of narcotics. the doll was by his side the entire time and even spent the night in the hospital with him. she refused to speak to not only reporters, but the police as well and urged the arcadian people to leave them the hell alone. her request was not honored.
kathleen's camp dropped the curtain on the story by releasing this official statement: "..........he just took too many pills." LOL. too many pills? what an understatement! those publicists deserve the #1 spot in the super duper storystrechers of earth's all time history library-museum and hall of fame.

cop-caller beau badman calls cops

beau is at it again!

it seemed like the start of any normal day in beau badman's life - he woke up at his local traphouse around noon, put on his rattiest trilby and headed down to the nearest corner to begin his day of tricking for the flashers. beau wasted no time and began talking their ears off; he filled reporters' heads with nonsense about everything: from the doll's miscarriage of baby lux his own homemade allegations that joey kiss is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin seed eater. beau confirmed that the night of the alleged "accident," he witnessed the two kisses getting high as a kite on heroin. yeah, right, beau!

and kathleen was the first to call him out. even though she's sworn off all contact with the papers, not more than 20 minutes later, kathleen was on the phone with the local television network and confirmed that beau is stoned off his ass on crack. the doll said that he is still bitter from their breakup a zillion years ago and that she and joey should "teach him a lesson he'll never forget."

beau immediately took that as a threat and walked his happy ass to the arcadian police station to file a report against her! he told cops that kathleen loves to harass him and her statements on television are a prime example of this. officers surely must have been dipping into beau's secret stash, because they filed the report!
in the end, the doll's lawyer - judah fussganger - laughed away the report. judah said - much to no one's surprise - that beau is crazy to think he has a case and that he doubts police will even go so far as to question the beautiful one.

and even though beau badman can now consider himself #1 on the kisses' shitlist,  they're really gunning for the fence. after the "oh, baby, baby, baby" article in the doll's own pretty people club magazine, the two kisses have sworn off all contact with reporters. the journo behind the article referred to joey as a "heroin junkie" and implied that the two would be shitty parents. oh hell to the no! i'm on the doll's team all the way - beau badman may be an asshole for life, but the press should give babygirl some respect in her dark days. team doll!

riot house #2 opens in arcadia

while the doll has been laid up getting pregnanter and pregnanter - and also while joey has been laid up off the heroin needle - a crew of big, grizzly bear construction men have been hard at work finishing the second riot house. located in the trendy downtown area, on the corner of nova boulevard and 1st street, hotel and nightclub opened its doors for the first time last night to all the lovers of arcadia. lines of people wrapped around the block for hours and by midnight, the hotel had no vacancies. kathleen, who has been resting low profile from the fence in arcadia for the past few weeks, was not set to attend the event; yet, when she heard about the crowds, she hopped in the gravedigger and hit the gas.

still, sideways reporters were clearly the last thing on the kisses' minds as they graced the disco dancefloor - though the doll is nine months pregnant. the club was completed with the 'man-in-the-moon' piece which features a gigantic full moon with a man's face...as well as a gigantic spoonful of blow being shoveled into the nose. if anyone's wondering what a sweeping art installation promoting cocaine usage is doing in the middle of a club, that has the doll written all over it.

but the best part of this story came when, outside of the club, one of kathleen's mates passed out cold of a heroin overdose. the incident took place early this morning and left everybody stunned.....everybody except kathleen, that is! the doll waddled up and wasted no time in snapping, "don't worry - it's just an overdose, i know what to do," at the photographers who were too busy snapping pictures to listen. naturally today's headlines read, "KATHLEEN : DON'T WORRY - IT'S JUST AN O.D." she's totally going to be a great mom.

the kisses' baby will surely be born a dope junkie

consider kathleen and joey's feathers ruffled; couple sues press over erroneous gossip

um, ok - if i were a journo in arcadia, i would start looking for a new job. albeit 'right hook' kathleen is the opposite of happy with the rumor that her unborn child is going to be born addicted to heroin - joey is a flip-floppity jillion on the scale of 1 to angry.

he is smarting over one story in particular, featured in arcadia's daily newspaper; with the headline of 'THE BEAUTIFUL ONE' IS THE DOPEY ONE - CONTINUES TO TAKE HEROIN AND COCAINE WHILE PREGNANT everyone in this star system figured that the shit was nanoseconds away from hitting the fan. now, all the photographers in a five-mile radius of joey know that if they do so much as look at him the wrong way, they'll be met with a fist to their flashbulbs. as for the writers, he's prepared to snap every one of their pencils over his knee; so, it's only natural that upon sight of the kisses, reporters hide faster than a hooker in running shoes upon the sound of a police siren wail.

there is even gossip going around the streets that joey is ringing up and intimidating a select number of popular journos; it's been reported that the doll's paramour has been leaving recorded threats on various writer and photographers' answer-phone machines. joey warned that if they didn't leave their jobs as head bullshit pushers in the swill industry, he would personally see to it that they never work again.

and, you guessed it - no sources were named in the article; but 'those close' to the couple say that baby babble is really, truly, seriously back to riding bareback on the white pony. it came as no surprise that the dailies' sensationalist piece was crammed with lurid lies and libel that lacked originality; still, i'm happy to reveal that at least one person had baby babble's back! after the interviewer suggested that wild honeypie has never, in fact, set her crackpipe down - one individual said that kathleen did, in fact, kick the white girl off of her back...........but that she just recently relapsed is all. duh!

in other doll news, judah fussganger - the kisses' legal representation - marched his shit downtown this morning to file all sorts of charges against the cruel media machine of arcadia. he told - LOL - the fence, "the famed kisses have nested in a venomous town, where it's rare to find someone within the city limits who has a nice thing to say about arcadia's 'it' couple. it's clear as a bell that their baby's health comes before their own now; ergo, this jest from the industry will not go without revenge." um, yeah - the justice system within the city of arcadia is so screwy that it's up to joey to beat the living snot out of every photographer he can get his mitts on until there's none left!

joey kiss' LP slams into record shops like pure china white

L3 M30W puts the lost boys on the map

i'm beginning to think more and more everyday that jimmy was adopted by the kiss family and is, in fact, the son of satan - but joey made me sure of it this week when his work with the lost boys, L3 M30W hit #1 on the arcadian music charts and hasn't left the top spot since! he may be as high off of heroin as his older brother, it doesn't matter - the album has been predicted to go double platinum just in the first week.

then again, the release wasn't exactly a piece of the doll's leftover birthday cake - feathers have been ruffled due to one track, entitled, "hannah humps like a bunny." the lost boys are swearing on a stack of bibles that their hearts were in the right place and joey stated, "let me say this once so we don't have to keep doing this dance - we love women."

en masse, the lost boys and joey kiss' L3 M30W is making boatloads of cash and has most of the moguls in the industry planning a trainhopping adventure for the summertime and have them out buying matching bandannas. even top suit, sammy 'third degree' burns, noted that, "green, hep underground artists are quickly becoming a practical commodity," because they make the most money and stated that the boys' LP proves just thus.

in other doll news, kathleen was at the album launch to support her fiancé - though honestly she looked as if she would rather be cleaning out the high school football team's locker room. most of the fans on the scene were groupies, so you know the beautiful one was super duper thrilled to be there. at one point, it seemed like the million dollar brat was seconds away from inciting puppy wingnut to sic a pack of sluts. "it was so gross," the doll hissed to flashers outside, making a golden defense for herself, "most of the girls were only there to get rocko j. nasty's autograph across their tits; so, yes, for the love of pete, i'm ready to go home." LOL, i'll bet she was.