merry xmas!

doll friends and family woke up this morning, sat down by the christmas tree and opened presents....just like everybody else. well, everybody but the kiss side of the family, because they already celebrated hanukkah and yawn when the 25th of december comes around.

this year, kathleen went cheap and made joey a scrapbook of ultrasound scans (barf), sodapop a vacation, headlock a new radio to listen to baseball on, shuggie a new set of knives, ludo a raise and promised close-up in shady lake, and the two lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal were promised a follow-up to L3 M30W. the doll even treated herself to the boxset of sci-fi favorite, twilight zone. 

wow, sounds like the only person who was missing a gift - as usual - was jimmy kiss!

kathleen allows joey to open one gift

mama doll, mama kiss, sodapop, kiss brothers jimmy and johnny, ludo ludovic, shuggie bo bellski, joey and kat, lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal, and even maynard g. alberkraut were gathered underneath the doll's christmas tree in arcadia last night to eat, drink and be merry. as part of time honored doll family tradition, everyone was allowed to open one gift.

according to sodapop, joey chose the biggest box and inside was one of kathleen's famous IOUs for a new tattoo. so, at around midnight, after several hot toddies, kathleen, sodapop and jimmy dragged joey down to the only tattoo shop open in arcadia on a snowy christmas eve....only to promptly call in their private tattoo artist LOL.

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

baby babble hires johnny kiss as executive producer

shady lake is surely going down in flames

the shady lake cast and crew is coming together quite swimmingly - we already have argosy burns starring as coco rodriguez; the lost boys are putting the score together and now johnny kiss has been named as executive producer. if you aren't familiar with johnny, he is joey and jimmy's older brother and probably near the top 5 of the doll's to-do list. he is the most muscular of the kiss bunch, having wrestled his high school and college career. but don't think that just because he has some school under his belt doesn't mean he isn't just as greasy as his brothers! he too dons leather jackets, motorcycle boots and ripped denim jeans as well. bummer. thought he would be the one to break the kiss grease curse that affects all males of the family. all i know is - if argosy, who is currently single and johnny, who is also currently single, hook up on the set of shady lake, the doll will be quickly contacting satan for a contract hit. if joey turns out to be a bust, surely the beautiful one will put a love spell on johnny.

joey kiss is a video ho

stars in lost boys' latest video

and by all means, the doll is a video ho as well. the lost boys' latest video, "nancy is a heartbreaker," stars the two as themselves. in the first scene, the doll and her beau are engaged in one of their usual knock down and drag out crackhead fights, when the doll throws her famous locket with joey's picture inside right at his face! thus, making her the heartbreaker...

cut to the second scene - joey is walking, and no, not to the pawn shop to get some money for that locket in the last scene - joey is walking home, to change and head out for a night with the lost boys. he throws on a ratty white tee shirt, some tight black pants and a nasty, disease-infested leather jacket. the boys are dressed similarly. the video cues to a shot of downtown grimaldi. the sun is setting between buildings. clips of the night are playing : joey wilding out, breaking beer bottles in the street, doing whippets, hanging with gang members, skateboarding with other punks, greasing his hair back, dancing his skinny booty off, robbing people, flipping off the camera, air-boxing, smoking blunts, playing grab-ass.........you get the picture. cut to end scene : joey stumbles into some kind of random hotel party and immediately eyes the doll in a corner. as he makes his way over to her, he begins stripping and the video ends with the two making out and rolling around in a bathroom. ICK NAST.

firstly, who would want to roll around with greasy joey kiss, let alone on the floor of some gross hotel party? make better choices doll! otherwise, kathleen was born to play the role of the heartbreaker. i was just wondering why my boy shuggie didn't make his big screen debut! with a stage name like shuggie bo bellski, he is bound for stardom. trust.

i hope your tats don't run!

love tats for kat and joey

both kisses cemented their love for each other today with a sentimental tattoo of a simple heart with an arrow going through it. kathleen chose hers to be in purple and joey opted for turquoise. in other doll news, the two want to spend the summer on the isle of grimaldi, and are trying to get back ASAP. that is, after joey gets arrested again! just kidding, he's staying there for the vitamin D. hopefully it'll cure him from trying to off himself. kathleen is attached to his hip like always, smoking foilies out of seashells and communicating in a language only mermaids understand.

the albion beauty bar is open to sauce

the world's #1 cutest couple and their fleet were called to cielo last night, to celebrate the opening of the albion beauty bar located at the foot of the primrose canyon. now, the two probably had better things to do - like drugs - but were in attendance because kathleen co-owns the joint, alongside mate argosy burns.

now, speaking of co-owners, argosy's father sammy 'third degree' burns (who heads hep parade) recently invested in pretty people club. sammy once again co-owns part of the doll's soul! does this mean he will be overseeing the production of baby babble's next book, 💘. sammy might also be somewhat in control of the beautiful one's own pretty people club magazine, so you know what that means.....more fanmail.

and more fanmail means the walls of the beauty bar won't be bare - kathleen was put in charge of design and chose to use old tabloid articles, fanmail columns and personal photos as wallpaper. trotsky, ludo ludovic, the lost boys, jimmy and joey kiss, as well as countless others dot the walls; HEP! and DIG! play endlessly on the television screens throughout the bar.

in other doll news, the kisses are planning a trip to the isle of grimaldi soon. the beautiful one thought it would be a good idea for joey to get away from the spotlight for a while. plus grimaldi has some pretty good blow, if you know what i mean!

#1 wedding in this solar system postponed

i forsee joey leaving the doll in 5.....4.....3.....2....

joey kiss must be high on heroin like the papers report, because he has put the date of his wedding with doll on the backburner until further notice! his camp reports that with the success of L3 M30W, joey has asked to return to the studio with the lost boys to cut another album. nowhere in joey's obviously prepared press statement did it mention any word of the death of baby lux.

the beautiful one's camp, however, released their own statement and in it pleaded with the public and the media to give kathleen some goddamn peace in the wake of such a loss. it also said that she loves joey more than the navy has sailors and the two will still be getting hitched....in their own good time. still, i'm not buying that bullshit! 'in their own good time' is just dollspeak for : the wedding will have to take place on the rings of planet saturn, because kathleen and joey are already broken up!

p.s. and it only adds to the sad irony that is the doll's life when on the same day it is made known that her wedding date has been postponed, her fiancé goes and gets a fugly, weird tattoo of a naked bride.....

lost boys return to arcadia

the lost boys' tour to support L3 M30W wrapped last night at the riot house in arcadia; pregnant kathleen, who was proudly sporting her tummy and grinning from ear to ear, introduced the band and even sang a couple of songs with them.

before the show, the doll held an impromptu champagne toast at the arcadian il coyote country club - also known as 'the dago dive.' the country club and baby babble have a sketchy past, only know they really aren't feeling her. see, the kisses made reservations for seven for the early evening and then showed up at half-ten, a busy hour for the club during the weekends. the hostess still made a point to seat them quickly. now, i'm a little fuzzy on the events myself, but at some point, the shit went down and before staff could tell the group to kick rocks, the kisses were at each others' throats! i'm not kidding - it took three bouncers to peel the two off of one another. obviously, police were the first to be dialed and before the station could pick up - the doll's pregnant ass was long gone down the street!

the official police report states that there is over three thousand dollars worth of damage on locale and claims to be 'heavily' pursuing the beautiful one. yeah, right! pigs will pursue the doll on the 9th of never!

joey kiss' LP slams into record shops like pure china white

L3 M30W puts the lost boys on the map

i'm beginning to think more and more everyday that jimmy was adopted by the kiss family and is, in fact, the son of satan - but joey made me sure of it this week when his work with the lost boys, L3 M30W hit #1 on the arcadian music charts and hasn't left the top spot since! he may be as high off of heroin as his older brother, it doesn't matter - the album has been predicted to go double platinum just in the first week.

then again, the release wasn't exactly a piece of the doll's leftover birthday cake - feathers have been ruffled due to one track, entitled, "hannah humps like a bunny." the lost boys are swearing on a stack of bibles that their hearts were in the right place and joey stated, "let me say this once so we don't have to keep doing this dance - we love women."

en masse, the lost boys and joey kiss' L3 M30W is making boatloads of cash and has most of the moguls in the industry planning a trainhopping adventure for the summertime and have them out buying matching bandannas. even top suit, sammy 'third degree' burns, noted that, "green, hep underground artists are quickly becoming a practical commodity," because they make the most money and stated that the boys' LP proves just thus.

in other doll news, kathleen was at the album launch to support her fiancé - though honestly she looked as if she would rather be cleaning out the high school football team's locker room. most of the fans on the scene were groupies, so you know the beautiful one was super duper thrilled to be there. at one point, it seemed like the million dollar brat was seconds away from inciting puppy wingnut to sic a pack of sluts. "it was so gross," the doll hissed to flashers outside, making a golden defense for herself, "most of the girls were only there to get rocko j. nasty's autograph across their tits; so, yes, for the love of pete, i'm ready to go home." LOL, i'll bet she was.

the gravedigger's tires have been slashed!

kathleen may have a baby on the way, but her first child - beloved black rolls royce town car - the gravedigger is in critical condition! when the doll awoke today, she traipsed into the kitchen and languidly put a kettle on to boil; within a few minutes, the water was ready and her tea was brewing. the doll reached for her favorite coffee cup and went to the cupboard for some sugar - only to find a space on the shelf where the sugar used to live! now, normally kathleen would stomp her feet and howl for someone to get her more on the double; but now that she's pregnant and sober, she's a different doll. also, joey is back in the studio with the lost boys - working on their first album, L3 M30W- and headlock was with sodapop, painting the nursery. furthermore, it's been said before that groundskeeper ludo ludovic is useless before noon; so, the million dollar brat did a quick sweep of the grounds before heading to the gravedigger to buy another bag from the closest grocery store. as she approached the monstrous machine, however, kathleen realized that all four tires were flatter than blueberry pancakes.

oddly enough, the knifing went down sometime after three this morning and took place within the locked kiss cradle gates. even more oddly, although other cars were on the property - a total of seven - the gravedigger was the only vehicle to fall victim. sadly, the knife-brandishing prowlers are going to remain free to continue prowling - no security footage could be utilized, as baby babble's beloved automobile just so happened to be parked out of frame.

fuzz warned wild honeypie that she should take such an invasion as a great threat and that a prowler would only do something of such a degree to send a message. officers then questioned friends and neighbors as to if the doll has any enemies that would want to see her suffer. joey responded with, "oh yeah, because she likes to surround herself with sadists."

kathleen made a remark of similar cynical merit and answered, "i don't even have friends - only enemies" i'll buy that. still, can someone please phone in an anonymous tip to the arcadian police department for me? i'm almost 100% positive that jimmy kiss has a chip on his shoulder about the shotgun wedding of the century and unleashed his frustrations on a beastly black town car.

happy birthday, dear doll, happy birthday to you!

looking as beautiful as ever, kathleen was a glowing picture of class and ladylike presence at the l'amour bar and restaurant tonight as she celebrated her birthday with close confidants. after blowing out candles on the rainbow birthday cake that she specially requested, the doll opened presents with a select group of mates - including fiancé joey kiss, ludo ludovic, the lost boys and brother sodapop cola.

kathleen must be the hardest person to shop for in the history of birthdays - or people must just ordinarily get her drugs as gifts - because all of her presents this year straight sucked the big one. joey kiss set the bar by giving his paramour a leather jacket and pair of motorcycle boots - which she can't even use because she's knocked up and shouldn't be riding motorcycles anyways - as well as a trilby full of eskimo kisses. he also paid for a small surprise fireworks show to take place after the dinner, which went off without any hang-ups.

ludo ludovic sleeps in a tiny shack on the edge of the kiss cradle property and laps rainwater from the birdbath to quench his thirst, so you know that he has no money. being that he couldn't afford much, ludo ended up buying the million dollar brat a cheap bouquet of pink roses and a box of candies; but brought it back home when kathleen opened his third gift - which was trotsky's hand watch. i'll bet baby babble was a happy camper - it's almost as if trotsky got up out of the graveyard and gave it to her himself. the lost boys - as they are currently living in arcadia to complete their first record, L3 M30W, with the help of joey - presented kathleen with a homemade booklet of coupons, complete with certificates for things like, 'a free night of peace and quiet,' as well as, 'three free trips to the grocery store for baby goods,' and, 'one free night of babysitting - so you can go out and get lit.' how thoughtful of them.

the best part of the story transpired when sodapop's turn to fork over a gift came around - quickly placing hands in pockets, soda began nervously whistling and couldn't help his eyes from darting around the room; then, in a huff, he grabbed his effects and motored out of the l'amour like the joint was going up in flames or something. he later told flashers - and i'm not even kidding here - that he completely spaced it being his sister's birthday. like i've said before, uncle sodapop is going to blow it with kathleen and joey's kid - the kisses should just invalidate his uncle rights to babysitting if they have any brains to speak of at all.

speaking of no brains, reporters focused the attention off of her elegance and noted that, 'like a typical pregnant woman,' she not only hogged down everything on her plate, but poached off of joey's as well! um, who gives a shit? shouldn't we all be tickled pink that baby babble is even eating as it is?

in closing, i've never seen kathleen behave so well at a bar before........

doll goes bridal

get out your calendars - november 9 is the day kathleen grace becomes kathleen kiss

november 9, 2013 is a date that will unquestionably be embroidered onto arcadia's flag for the time being, so as no one has an excuse for forgetting the day kathleen and joey walk down the isle - aka the future universal day of love in this galaxy. it's also for the beautiful one, because being sober after all of those years of cocaine abuse are working more against her than with her.

now, as far as november 9 is concerned, kathleen is closely shadowing the pace of a snail. so far, she's only decided upon these things : sodapop will be the flower girl, caretaker, and replacement for trotsky, ludo ludovic will be the maid of honor and the lost boys will round out the doll court as her bridesmaids in black; headlock has already staked his claims on overseeing the ceremony. the kiss brothers will be making up joey's party - jimmy consented, most likely with teary eyes, to grace the scene as best man and johnny would like to bear the rings.

aside from these measly developments, not much else is known about the shotgun wedding of the century - there have been talks that it will be held in arcadia, but some are saying that kathleen is adamant about hosting the festivities at the riot house in cielo - those same bitches said that if the doll were to do so, it would 'be beyond crass.' whatever, i understand 100% - kathleen just doesn't want to be pregnant, barefoot and relocating to the poorhouse with her brand-new husband!

cool answers for your square questions

the kisses cut the bullshit

the doll's fanmail column for hep parade hasn't even been dead long enough to attract worms, yet she's already back at it! why? who the hell gives that much of a shit about kathleen to keep such a crappy crapola column running? i would rather read the phonebook than any more fanmail!

just in time to dispel rumors that the two are having issues, the pretty people club magazine directed fans to write the kisses with questions regarding their relationship, engagement and baby. the couple answered individually and it's a hoot...............but this shit had better not become a regular thing again!

Q: Which would you rather have - a girl or a boy?
doll: a healthy baby
joey: a healthy baby

Q: What happened on your first date?
doll: 8-BALL
joey: doll got a nosebleed

Q: Is Jimmy Kiss as big of a 'wet mop' about your relationship as the tabloids make him out to be?
doll: BIGGER - i almost had to fork over my letterman's jacket to that creep
joey: it hasn't been a walk in the park, but i think he's gotten over himself by now

Q: Who are you considering for the godparents?
doll: DUH - the hell boys; headlock is a close second, though
joey: i want headlock as the godfather so that he can teach our kid how to drink hard booze with no chasers

Q: Are you going to let your child enter show business?
doll: ROFL @ SHOW BUSINESS - i work at the biggest whorehouse in arcadia let's cut the shit
joey: um, it'd be kind of hard not to - unless we relocated to outer space.......

Q: Is there anything from your pasts that you are afraid will come back to haunt you once Kathleen has given birth?
doll: yes - his name is beau goodman
joey: no, i am the ghost - i know everyone, but they don't know me

Q: Doll, are you sad that you can't drink or do drugs anymore?
doll: says who? i still drink and do drugs - now i just share with my baby
joey: the doll doesn't get sad - she always gets what she wants

Q: There are rumors floating around Arcadia that the two of you, namely Joey, are doing drugs - isn't the life of your baby be more important than getting high? Or do you both want to go to jail?
doll: you wanna know what jail is like? go to your local high school, find a janitor's closet and lock yourself inside for a week
joey: jail is for ugly people

Q: This is for Kathleen : you seem to be drawn to hep cities, like Cielo and Grimaldi and Arcadia - what attracts you to these locales?
doll: the vibes, the vibes, the vibes
joey: she's drawn to the city, i'm drawn to her

Q: In magazine articles, you two come off as being very intimate - yet it seems you are constantly surrounded by an excess of people; will that change once the baby is born?
doll: UM YA - HEADLOCK WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER
joey: seriously - i'm scared that some night i'll go to the crib and discover that our baby missing, only to find him in the garage with headlock......drinking hooch and listening to baseball games

Q: Who will be in your wedding party?
doll: sodapop is going to be the flower girl, ludo will be my maid of honor - the lost boys are over the moon to be my bridesmaids in black. P.S. headlock informed me that he would be officiating the ceremony, whether we like it or not
joey: jimmy has consented to be my best man; johnny wants to be the ring bearer

Q: You've hardly talked about Jimmy's reaction to when you both began to date - how did he actually take it?
doll: cried, screamed, bummed a ciggie off of me, cried some more, got drunk, fell down, squeezed out a few more tears, fell asleep on the street, woke up a policeman giving him a mean hairy eyeball and then stumbled back to joey and i; from there, he bummed a few more ciggies, we gave him some blow, he took a shower, calmed the fuck down and apologized. subsequently, he was asked to leave.
joey: with respect to my older brother, jimmy took it like an airplane crash

Q: Did Jimmy really ask for his letterman's jacket back?
doll: ....................................LOL
joey: LOL....................................

Q: For your child's future, what is your biggest fear?
doll: I'M SCARED MY BABY WILL TURN OUT 2 BE A L7
joey: i don't want my kid stepping foot in the riot house - its reputation of being the kind of place a mother wouldn't want their child going precedes the joint enough for me

Q: What's the first thing that you're going to do once the baby is born?
doll: i'm going to walk into the riot house and check into a room, no, a bungalow under a fake name - like harmonishka - from there, i will page my drug dealer score some blow. then, off of a framed picture, stolen right from the riot house walls, i will rail a line as long as the mississippi. all while the baby is watching, of course.
joey: i'm going to watch the doll do all of that

Q: Be honest - would you let Jimmy babysit?
doll: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL i would rather be strung by my thumbs and have my eyeballs dug out with an ice-cream scooper!
joey: um, would you?

okay, whoever sent in that last question deserves to be sainted; and - i'm talking to kathleen here - she deserves sainthood as well for her angelic response. uncle jimmy is going to be, hands down, the worst uncle in the history of uncles! sodapop will be the runner-up, but jimmy has him beat with a clean sweep.

joey kiss : "no money, no funny"

kathleen's rent boy is working around the clock in arcadia; and, no, for once it's not to support the doll's nasty nose candy habit!

joey hit the studio in arcadia with the lost boys - the band was signed soon after being attacked at the freak festival last year - to work on their latest album, L3 M3OW. the young kiss was asked to join the project after hep parade- the company of which kathleen is contracted out by - signed joey under their name.

the lost boys want their record to be a concept album and have asked joey to produce the likely sensation. the boys are already showing boatloads of promise - as a trial, 500 copies of the first single, "a cowboy needs a horse," were released at arcadia's premier record shop and within ten minutes, all 500 copies had been sold. still, it may all be too good to be true - sodapop leaked to the press that pregnant kathleen is worried joey is partying more than working.

spending most of his time in the studio, joey hasn't seen his 1999 lisbon drive home since last year! kiss claims that his lack of presence is an effort to wrap the album as quickly as possible - so he can spend a heap of time with his knocked up fiancée. he told flashers, "no money - no funny," and that he's surely soon to be as famous as his old lady. well, i'm not buying it and neither is the doll!

soda is certain that kathleen is certain joey is out boozing it up and that her feelings are really hurt - the expectant father has also skipped out on important doctor's appointments, which left the doll dangerously close to the edge of grabbing her shotgun and a shovel to begin the kiss genocide at once. the beautiful one's loudmouthed brother also made it seem like the doll has no life now; and said that, every night, baby babble stays up super duper late and waits for joey to come home - only he never does! sodapop pretty much confirmed that kathleen switches between staring longingly out the window for a glimpse of joey and staring longingly at the telephone for a call from joey.

the stories were all put to rest today when journalists cornered the million dollar brat and inquired as to if joey really was writing her off or if it's just idle gossip. she didn't any questions, naturally; only responding with, "the joke is on all you assholes - now go kill yourselves."