doll is a witch, reads tarot cards

kathleen told papers today that ever since the loss of baby lux zarazthustra, she has been trying anything and everything to get pregnant again - including spells, tarot cards, magical herbs and spices, chants and candle ceremonies. basically she is a witch now trying to have a witch baby. all she is missing is a magic wand, pointy hat and broomstick.

she told reporters that she visits a palm reader, has employed a shaman and once a week has a meeting with a dream interpreter. sounds mystical. whatever works for her, i guess. i would say her best bet is to cast a love spell on joey and wait in the bedroom with candles lit and rose petals on the bed.

i wonder if she pulled out her ouija board to try and reach trotsky from beyond the grave? or at least ask if the great spirits of the netherworld can please find it in their black souls to take their #1 boy back, jimmy, back to the pit from which he came? you know what they say, doll, as above - so below!

the albion beauty bar is open to sauce

the world's #1 cutest couple and their fleet were called to cielo last night, to celebrate the opening of the albion beauty bar located at the foot of the primrose canyon. now, the two probably had better things to do - like drugs - but were in attendance because kathleen co-owns the joint, alongside mate argosy burns.

now, speaking of co-owners, argosy's father sammy 'third degree' burns (who heads hep parade) recently invested in pretty people club. sammy once again co-owns part of the doll's soul! does this mean he will be overseeing the production of baby babble's next book, 💘. sammy might also be somewhat in control of the beautiful one's own pretty people club magazine, so you know what that means.....more fanmail.

and more fanmail means the walls of the beauty bar won't be bare - kathleen was put in charge of design and chose to use old tabloid articles, fanmail columns and personal photos as wallpaper. trotsky, ludo ludovic, the lost boys, jimmy and joey kiss, as well as countless others dot the walls; HEP! and DIG! play endlessly on the television screens throughout the bar.

in other doll news, the kisses are planning a trip to the isle of grimaldi soon. the beautiful one thought it would be a good idea for joey to get away from the spotlight for a while. plus grimaldi has some pretty good blow, if you know what i mean!

happy birthday, dear doll, happy birthday to you!

looking as beautiful as ever, kathleen was a glowing picture of class and ladylike presence at the l'amour bar and restaurant tonight as she celebrated her birthday with close confidants. after blowing out candles on the rainbow birthday cake that she specially requested, the doll opened presents with a select group of mates - including fiancé joey kiss, ludo ludovic, the lost boys and brother sodapop cola.

kathleen must be the hardest person to shop for in the history of birthdays - or people must just ordinarily get her drugs as gifts - because all of her presents this year straight sucked the big one. joey kiss set the bar by giving his paramour a leather jacket and pair of motorcycle boots - which she can't even use because she's knocked up and shouldn't be riding motorcycles anyways - as well as a trilby full of eskimo kisses. he also paid for a small surprise fireworks show to take place after the dinner, which went off without any hang-ups.

ludo ludovic sleeps in a tiny shack on the edge of the kiss cradle property and laps rainwater from the birdbath to quench his thirst, so you know that he has no money. being that he couldn't afford much, ludo ended up buying the million dollar brat a cheap bouquet of pink roses and a box of candies; but brought it back home when kathleen opened his third gift - which was trotsky's hand watch. i'll bet baby babble was a happy camper - it's almost as if trotsky got up out of the graveyard and gave it to her himself. the lost boys - as they are currently living in arcadia to complete their first record, L3 M30W, with the help of joey - presented kathleen with a homemade booklet of coupons, complete with certificates for things like, 'a free night of peace and quiet,' as well as, 'three free trips to the grocery store for baby goods,' and, 'one free night of babysitting - so you can go out and get lit.' how thoughtful of them.

the best part of the story transpired when sodapop's turn to fork over a gift came around - quickly placing hands in pockets, soda began nervously whistling and couldn't help his eyes from darting around the room; then, in a huff, he grabbed his effects and motored out of the l'amour like the joint was going up in flames or something. he later told flashers - and i'm not even kidding here - that he completely spaced it being his sister's birthday. like i've said before, uncle sodapop is going to blow it with kathleen and joey's kid - the kisses should just invalidate his uncle rights to babysitting if they have any brains to speak of at all.

speaking of no brains, reporters focused the attention off of her elegance and noted that, 'like a typical pregnant woman,' she not only hogged down everything on her plate, but poached off of joey's as well! um, who gives a shit? shouldn't we all be tickled pink that baby babble is even eating as it is?

in closing, i've never seen kathleen behave so well at a bar before........

the kisses go to the prom

the king of queen of all that is wild and witchy do ball for grimaldi's debutantes

for an eye-roll worthy event styled after a high school prom - i know, the doll was probably so psyched - that kathleen and joey ended up traveling all the way to the isle of grimaldi to attend, it was worth it in the end - arcadia's #1 couple were chosen as prom king and queen!

the shindig was pretty much a debutante's ball for the young and underground artists of grimaldi to get their names in the industry; though the who's who of the entire galaxy was involved. speeches were made, toasts were given, awards were doled out and sammy "third degree" burns - owner of hep parade  magazine and former employer of wild honeypie -was honored as a patron of the arts; but all eyes were on the kisses as they entered the scene forty-five minutes late, only to interrupt biggles von biba - bassist for band, the flowers of evil - mid-sentence.

in her defense, i will say that not doing cocaine anymore has definitely given her more time to focus on her true calling : getting under people's skin. taking her sweet time to find her seat, kathleen managed to displease a handful of audience members in record time - at one point, someone even yelled at her to 'go home!' that comment must have gone over her head, though, because i was left speechless when she didn't summon her loyal demons from the blazes of limbo to cut the guilty party's tongue out.

the doll spent her first leg of the night making small talk with other guests at and around her table - which included fellow arcadians rocko j. nasty and rudy rubideaux - before she progressed closer and closer towards the stage. what happened next surely could not be avoided, as baby babble beset the stage and snatched the microphone away. she used her outside voice to say, "i deserve every award there is - i am the doll! i say this because i am the one who makes the money, who puts words on paper; i am a god, i have a great lawyer and more beautiful than any of you!" and then dedicated the moment to trotsky; after waving to the cameras, she joked, "hi, trots - i hope they have TVs in hell!"

the kisses wrapped their tour of the ball by accepting the coveted title of best new artist - known exclusively as the prom king or queen award in the business - and the doll won by a landslide. kathleen and joey graced that stage and baby babble, living up to her nickname, commanded the podium for a lot longer than she should have. i was half expecting the producers to cut the feed for the microphone and dub music over the doll's prattle; but, right when she was about to lose me, she folded up her collapsible soapbox and brought the crowd down - she earned a standing ovation with, "i want to dedicate being queen of the prom to the best gal pal i've ever had - trotsky. he's probably kicking himself in heaven that he's not here to wear my crown and sash for me." that was really sweet of her - i'm sure to counteract such a phenomenon, grimaldi's prom queen did something really mean after walking offstage.