doll goes back to the future

reactivates pager from 1998

instead of her usual three cell phones - one for business, one for international interviews and one personal - that would be floating around the doll's person, she has traded them for a purple glitter pager. her reason? she said that technology was "pissing her off." sounds more like pregnancy hormones.

instead of a laptop, kathleen has always handwritten her work and paid someone to transfer over to a computer. a typewriter is probably even too advanced for her and would appear like a robot toy from another planet.

sodapop says that his sister warns everyone to be wary of technology and constantly alludes to fahrenheit 451. he says that people find this very annoying and some have refused to do business with her because she is "hard to reach".

well now, thanks to the addition of that purple pager, she will be even more difficult to get in touch with.

the albion beauty bar is open to sauce

the world's #1 cutest couple and their fleet were called to cielo last night, to celebrate the opening of the albion beauty bar located at the foot of the primrose canyon. now, the two probably had better things to do - like drugs - but were in attendance because kathleen co-owns the joint, alongside mate argosy burns.

now, speaking of co-owners, argosy's father sammy 'third degree' burns (who heads hep parade) recently invested in pretty people club. sammy once again co-owns part of the doll's soul! does this mean he will be overseeing the production of baby babble's next book, 💘. sammy might also be somewhat in control of the beautiful one's own pretty people club magazine, so you know what that means.....more fanmail.

and more fanmail means the walls of the beauty bar won't be bare - kathleen was put in charge of design and chose to use old tabloid articles, fanmail columns and personal photos as wallpaper. trotsky, ludo ludovic, the lost boys, jimmy and joey kiss, as well as countless others dot the walls; HEP! and DIG! play endlessly on the television screens throughout the bar.

in other doll news, the kisses are planning a trip to the isle of grimaldi soon. the beautiful one thought it would be a good idea for joey to get away from the spotlight for a while. plus grimaldi has some pretty good blow, if you know what i mean!

pretty people club handboook is released

☺ hits bookshelves everywhere

the heartless group of rich and sheltered suits that sign the doll's paychecks are surely going to have a long afterlife in the 9th circle of hell - just 10 days after kathleen's true love, joey kiss, was discovered half-dead in cielo, the doll's book has been released and she's been thrown on a press tour!

the tour kicked off with a luncheon, a reading at a popular bookstore in downtown arcadia and then took a trip down memory lane and answered some questions from fans. and, you guessed it, the doll bombed.

now, let's give her bony ass some credit - it's her first time in the media since joey tried to end it all and the questions she was given were less than second-rate. plus, if you add a little bit of cocaine in the mix you're going to get one classic doll fanmail column released 'round the world:

Q:Is it true you tried to kill Joey Kiss?
A: that sounds like a loaded question
Q: Are you going to try and kill yourself now?
A: DON'T U KNO WHO I AM???? you can't ask those kind of questions. i can have you fired for that type of shit.
Q: Joey : Heroin :: Doll : __________?
A: GO$$IP
Q:I don't get it - your fiancé just tried to kill himself....why are you going on tour?
A: well, i'm here to make $$$$$$$$$$ and the bottom line is - the man is going to try and take advantage of you if you're underground and they'll take advantage of you if you're signed to a major label. the more money i make, the more the people like you leave me alone.
Q: Would you miss him?
A: every minute of every day
Q:Who is ☺ dedicated to?
A: LUCIFER + WINGNUT + LUXY
Q: How much money do you make per year?
A: a boatload - 2 MUCH 2 COUNT
Q:I just saw HEP! and DIG! for the first time and my favorite part is you dancing to the credits - is this candid or was it scripted?
A: I GO HAM - always candid. but the director did have to warm me up to the idea...he was telling me shit like, "remember me from the freak fest? i was one of the roadies!" and "yo, i can't stand that beau fool!"
Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: HELL
Q: Are you planning on staying with Joey, or are you going to get back with one of your exes? Beau? Loyal? Maynard? Jimmy?
A: you can't believe everything you see and hear, now can you? i feel like joey'd want me to tell you all to go fuck yourselves.

the best part of the story is that the doll's backers are going to hire a tour manager - and, nope, it's not headlock - to wrangle kathleen. in an interview with the fence, the tour manager said that the doll is a "hothead" and seems like it will be a "struggle" to get her through the tour in one piece. the tour manager swears that the doll is on drugs and a good night for her consists of a million foilies. taking off all her clothes, running in circles around the stage, talking to herself and stage-diving. diva!

in other doll news, joey kiss is out of the hospital and currently under close suicide watch at the couple's lisbon drive home.

cool answers for your square questions

the kisses cut the bullshit

the doll's fanmail column for hep parade hasn't even been dead long enough to attract worms, yet she's already back at it! why? who the hell gives that much of a shit about kathleen to keep such a crappy crapola column running? i would rather read the phonebook than any more fanmail!

just in time to dispel rumors that the two are having issues, the pretty people club magazine directed fans to write the kisses with questions regarding their relationship, engagement and baby. the couple answered individually and it's a hoot...............but this shit had better not become a regular thing again!

Q: Which would you rather have - a girl or a boy?
doll: a healthy baby
joey: a healthy baby
Q: What happened on your first date?
doll: 8-BALL
joey: doll got a nosebleed
Q: Is Jimmy Kiss as big of a 'wet mop' about your relationship as the tabloids make him out to be?
doll: BIGGER - i almost had to fork over my letterman's jacket to that creep
joey: it hasn't been a walk in the park, but i think he's gotten over himself by now
Q: Who are you considering for the godparents?
doll: DUH - the hell boys; headlock is a close second, though
joey: i want headlock as the godfather so that he can teach our kid how to drink hard booze with no chasers
Q: Are you going to let your child enter show business?
doll: ROFL @ SHOW BUSINESS - i work at the biggest whorehouse in arcadia let's cut the shit
joey: um, it'd be kind of hard not to - unless we relocated to outer space.......
Q: Is there anything from your pasts that you are afraid will come back to haunt you once Kathleen has given birth?
doll: yes - his name is beau goodman
joey: no, i am the ghost - i know everyone, but they don't know me
Q: Doll, are you sad that you can't drink or do drugs anymore?
doll: says who? i still drink and do drugs - now i just share with my baby
joey: the doll doesn't get sad - she always gets what she wants
Q: There are rumors floating around Arcadia that the two of you, namely Joey, are doing drugs - isn't the life of your baby be more important than getting high? Or do you both want to go to jail?
doll: you wanna know what jail is like? go to your local high school, find a janitor's closet and lock yourself inside for a week
joey: jail is for ugly people
Q: This is for Kathleen : you seem to be drawn to hep cities, like Cielo and Grimaldi and Arcadia - what attracts you to these locales?
doll: the vibes, the vibes, the vibes
joey: she's drawn to the city, i'm drawn to her
Q: In magazine articles, you two come off as being very intimate - yet it seems you are constantly surrounded by an excess of people; will that change once the baby is born?
doll: UM YA - HEADLOCK WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER
joey: seriously - i'm scared that some night i'll go to the crib and discover that our baby missing, only to find him in the garage with headlock......drinking hooch and listening to baseball games
Q: Who will be in your wedding party?
doll: sodapop is going to be the flower girl, ludo will be my maid of honor - the lost boys are over the moon to be my bridesmaids in black. P.S. headlock informed me that he would be officiating the ceremony, whether we like it or not
joey: jimmy has consented to be my best man; johnny wants to be the ring bearer
Q: You've hardly talked about Jimmy's reaction to when you both began to date - how did he actually take it?
doll: cried, screamed, bummed a ciggie off of me, cried some more, got drunk, fell down, squeezed out a few more tears, fell asleep on the street, woke up a policeman giving him a mean hairy eyeball and then stumbled back to joey and i; from there, he bummed a few more ciggies, we gave him some blow, he took a shower, calmed the fuck down and apologized. subsequently, he was asked to leave.
joey: with respect to my older brother, jimmy took it like an airplane crash
Q: Did Jimmy really ask for his letterman's jacket back?
doll: ....................................LOL
joey: LOL....................................
Q: For your child's future, what is your biggest fear?
doll: I'M SCARED MY BABY WILL TURN OUT 2 BE A L7
joey: i don't want my kid stepping foot in the riot house - its reputation of being the kind of place a mother wouldn't want their child going precedes the joint enough for me
Q: What's the first thing that you're going to do once the baby is born?
doll: i'm going to walk into the riot house and check into a room, no, a bungalow under a fake name - like harmonishka - from there, i will page my drug dealer score some blow. then, off of a framed picture, stolen right from the riot house walls, i will rail a line as long as the mississippi. all while the baby is watching, of course.
joey: i'm going to watch the doll do all of that
Q: Be honest - would you let Jimmy babysit?
doll: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL i would rather be strung by my thumbs and have my eyeballs dug out with an ice-cream scooper!
joey: um, would you?

okay, whoever sent in that last question deserves to be sainted; and - i'm talking to kathleen here - she deserves sainthood as well for her angelic response. uncle jimmy is going to be, hands down, the worst uncle in the history of uncles! sodapop will be the runner-up, but jimmy has him beat with a clean sweep.