doll goes back to the future

reactivates pager from 1998

instead of her usual three cell phones - one for business, one for international interviews and one personal - that would be floating around the doll's person, she has traded them for a purple glitter pager. her reason? she said that technology was "pissing her off." sounds more like pregnancy hormones.

instead of a laptop, kathleen has always handwritten her work and paid someone to transfer over to a computer. a typewriter is probably even too advanced for her and would appear like a robot toy from another planet.

sodapop says that his sister warns everyone to be wary of technology and constantly alludes to fahrenheit 451. he says that people find this very annoying and some have refused to do business with her because she is "hard to reach".

well now, thanks to the addition of that purple pager, she will be even more difficult to get in touch with.

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

jimmy kiss - "gossipy bitch"

this is news that we all saw coming, but in the doll's defense - whatever it is, she didn't do it!

sometimes i forget that joey is related to wet mop jimmy, and i'm sure the doll tries to forget every day of her life. we all made mistakes back in high school, but jimmy kiss had to have been the worst.

always greasy, always a punk and generally in a trilby hat - jimmy kiss was the first person to charm baby babble's heart. who knows if it was the coke, the booze or the stars in her eyes, but for years, she and jimmy were in love.

for years he photographed their life together and kathleen wrote about it. naturally, he would have plenty of candid shots and today, he told papers he is thisclose to bringing some of them into the police. jimmy told reporters that he has footage of the doll exchanging money stolen from hep parade to pay for drugs. he needs to check his facts because the beautiful one doesn't pay for drugs - she gets them for free.

where is this coming from, jimmy? one day you are talking about locking lips with her when you were in junior high and the next you are digging a ditch for her good name!

long time gone

"who can find a virtuous wife? for her price is far above rubies...give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates"

- proverbs 31:10-31 

the gates outside of kathleen and joey's 1999 lisbon drive home and typically strewn with fanmail, flowers, pictures - but not for the holidays. kathleen takes the holidays very seriously, beginning with halloween, and demands that headlock go around hourly to remove any unwanted graffiti. instead of fanmail, hangs a wreath of cinnamon pine cones; instead of flowers, a string of gourds and pumpkins; instead of photographs, small decorations, like a scary witch on a broom, a black cat with an arched back and a spooky ghost.

as you cross the threshold, you don't feel as if you are in the home of a multi-millionaire celebrity and tabloid darling; you feel like you are in the home of someone you have known a very long time.

"please, darling," kathleen says in a low breathy whisper, "could you please take off your shoes? we just got this brand new flooring and the handyman recommended just stocking feet." after a second, she cocks her head, "but you can always wear joey's house slippers if you don't feel comfortable in socks."

it is nearing eleven on a chilly october night in arcadia. always the night owl, kathleen motions for me to follow her to the kitchen for hot apple cider. she puts her her finger to her lips and shushes me as ludo, her housekeeper, snores away on the sofa.

the twilight zone plays on in the background, rod serling's voice obviously having lulled him to sleep. she grabs a blanket off of a nearby love seat and covers him, then shuts off the TV with the remote, and sets the remote down on a nearby coffee table.

and on this coffee table are only a small collection of trinkets, but nonetheless the perfect selection to describe the kisses: a set of car keys to kathleen's black rolls royce, nicknamed 'the gravedigger'; a citation for marijuana possession made out to lost boy rocko j. nasty, a small bouquet of fresh wildflowers, picked by joey; a large amethyst crystal; a check past dated to 2010 for well over £10,000 from hep parade; a set of tarot cards and a stack of books from the local library including this year's farmers' almanac, the ramayana and bram stoker's dracula. .

joey is dressed in his pajamas - a silk striped set, complete with nearly matching blue argyle socks and a navy blue bathrobe. in his hand is a cup of cider, dressed with a cinnamon stick.

"what an outfit!" kathleen jokes, as joey lifts up his pant leg to reveal that the socks are emblazoned with a playboy bunny. "how boss!" she giggles.

in the background, the wind howls and then the house telephone rings, causing ludo to stir in his sleep. kathleen takes a phone call in another room and joey offers up a tour while i wait. as he breezes past an otherwise unoccupied room, i realize that it would have been the room for their baby, lux zarathustra. the walls, splashed a pretty, pastel pink, now cast dark from the shadows of the house. baby goods, still in their packaging, are piled up in the corners of the room. the crib has a flowered sheet over it. it's as if the two have pressed pause, and are waiting to resume at moment's notice.

when we return to the kitchen, ludo is awake and drinking a cup of hot cider. another familiar noise from the 1960s is recognized - the wolfman jack show. there is a draft in the room, so she puts on a vintage-looking floor-length kimono with a large screen print of king tut on the back. when that doesn't do the trick, she sends joey to light a fire in the next room.

as joey blows out the flame on the lengthy fireplace match, kathleen strikes another off the box to light candles on the mantle. adding to the spooky, halloween adornment, she placed taper candles in old, decorative wine bottles - the wax dripping down for added effect; mini gourds and pumpkins dot the room and atop her bookcase, a human skull. "it's a very eerie feeling to be on a hot, humid, sunny isle one day, feeling like you are on a permanent summer; and then to be back home, lighting fires in your fireplace." she laughs and shakes her head. "i mean, they have trees there - but the leaves never change."

"wasn't it bat masterson's last words something about how everybody gets the same amount of ice - the poor get it in the winter and the rich get it in the summer..." joey trails off, reminiscing.

"but now, these days, i am feeling older and wanting to withdraw more and more from a city centered around partying. i grew up in arcadia, joey grew up in arcadia; our babies will grow up in arcadia."

she goes a little sullen at the mere mention of children and joey fishes in his bath robe pockets for a minute, then produces a lighter and a doobie.

"some things will never change, though," he smiles, "even when we have children.

"you will still be you, i will still be me," he lights up the joint, "and i'm sure the wolfman's voice will still be echoing throughout the halls!"

at this point he stops, holds a finger up to his lips and after a second of silence, the wolfman's shrieking laughter carries in from another room.

kathleen's eyes twinkle in the candlelight and she pats her belly, "and it's been a long time coming."

green for the money; gold for the honey

on a particularly sultry night in june, the elevator to the sunrise apartment houses, the downtown luxury high rise building, opens onto the 52nd floor. you can reach kathleen and joey's condo by private elevator, as it takes up the entire floor and is completed with a wraparound balcony. inside, massive floor-to-ceiling windows offer unbelievable views of the twinkling isle, a view that spans miles: from the beach-going tourist crowds to the downtown-dwelling locals. that being said, the view from kathleen's apartment surely has to be the best in the city. perchance, and this would without doubt done to avoid a 'pissing match,' as the doll would say, with the scenes of such splendor, the decor is intentionally minimum. floor and hanging flora and fauna dot the house, as well as handfuls of photographs - all black and white - that are seemingly shot by kathleen or joey. in all, the locale agrees with the doll's infamous level of class, yet still seems rugged enough for the reigning hood, joey kiss. in the kitchen, their chef - an old southern man by the unforgettable name of shuggie bo bellski, sits huddled over a portable television with headlock; their two sets of eyes transfixed on a sports game. as kathleen and joey make their way into the room, shuggie snaps to attention and pours her a hot cup of tea. as for joey, shuggie turns heel and pours him a cocktail. kathleen makes a quick hand motion to headlock and he silently produces a pack of pre-rolled blunt (cigars) to her. she hands one to joey, keeps one for herself, tucks one behind her ear and the pack is returned to headlock for him to fill again.

kathleen is wearing her signature pink ballet slippers, a pair of hip-hugging denim sailor pants and a white button-down cotton shirt. her ratty blonde hair is pulled out of her face in a ponytail, giving her a classic tousled american look. she herself even remarks that she could easily pass for the casual weekend look of any 1950s homemaker. there's something about her appearance, almost as if she's wearing a mask - the life of a happy wife and mother, as opposed to the life of a troubled libertine. it's almost as if, through such a simple outfit, so unusual of her character, that she's demonstrating to the world a different, previously unseen side of her.

even her condo implies this, as all of her residences up to this point have been large mansions on the top of hillsides that generally overlooked whatever city she had currently selected. joey takes a lighter from his pants pocket and lights kathleen's blunt for her, complaining that she "always makes it run," but with a smile. she leads to the living room and takes a seat the sofa-couch. she grabs a remote and powers on her flat screen television - a popular news programme is on. the doll converses with joey for a moment, until a joke with the mention of her name forces her attention; she switches the television off and wanders over to her balcony.

this evening, the small isle of grimaldi is hidden underneath the violet clouds of sunset, though the slight chance of summer rain haunts nearby businesses, with tourists clinging close to skyscrapers for fear of bad weather. "there's nothing quite like the view of the city and the ocean, is there?" joey says half-modest and half-portentous. he nudges kathleen with a grin and says, "it's just the beach."

for her time and genre, kathleen is one of the most popular artists around. she got her start at a young age - thirteen - with the help of her parents, two well-to-do arcadians that owned a handful of successful nightclubs, restaurants and businesses. at fifteen, she was a published novelist. in her 20s now, she is no longer a child - in fact, she's ready to bear them. this brought her worldwide attention last year when the announcement of the doll's pregnancy ushered in opinions from just about everybody. the good news was all anybody could talk about for months; that is, until kathleen and joey were devastated by the loss of their unborn child, not four weeks away from birth. now, although 'in hiding,' as kathleen calls it, she rarely skips a night at her downtown studio, located not blocks away from her condo. often working until dawn on her new book entitled 💘, she attests that she rarely has time to glance at the news. "even if i did," she says, with poise, "i know people are still talking about my baby." true, the event did bring her even more unnecessary attention - including a highly publicized prime-time interview on network television.

when the anchor would ask her a question that was obviously pushing the limit of appropriate and inappropriate, kathleen would glower, sigh and then respond, "did you say something?" near the end of the programme, the anchor eventually became fed up with the lack of effort kathleen was exuding, and decided to ask about kathleen's well-documented libertine behavior, to which she responded, "i'm the doll. that's who i am. i do what i want and as the doll, my work is never finished." joey pipes up and says that her attitude would be frowned upon by traditionalists, she ignores the negativity and focuses on proving her point.

"i'm glad you said that, baby," she says, beaming, "you know, i've always believed that in order to be #1, you have to be the best at everything.

 "think about all the people who have come before me: kat hanna, barbie and malibu stacy, huey p. newton, woody guthrie, artie kornfeld, babs stanwyck, dimebag darrell, jackie o. and john f. kennedy, the girls of L7 and the people of mumbo gumbo - they were the best at what they did, just like me." kathleen smirks, " i mean, once you've achieved a certain height of fame like i, you have to realize that the people beneath you are either critics or fans."

 we settle onto a black leather sofa and shuggie places a plate of fresh fruits onto the glass coffee table in front of us, right next to a stack of books, about the illuminati, the ramayana and copy of ☺  in german, hindi and spanish, respectively.

kathleen grabs a slice of fruit and has shuggie retrieve another pre-rolled blunt from the pack in his shirt pocket. the doll rarely gets ashamed, but as she's lighting the 5th blunt i've seen her smoke all night, she has a look of indignity on her face. she then says, "judge all you want - i'm trying to have babies, so i 86'd the ciggie smoking months ago." in her defense, kathleen has always been a candid person. but at this point in the night, everyone in the house (sans headlock and shuggie) is stoned. kathleen especially.

joey laughs at her. "oh, baby," he says, "you now people don't care if you smoke grass or if you smoke crack-cocaine. people will still love you all the same."

she passes the blunt to him. "i've never said people will hate or love me. i'm not perfect and i can't try to achieve everyone's respect, because that's not real life.

"you want to know something? honestly, i don't think i'll ever be the greatest writer, but if i have a book dropping, you can be damn sure it's the best around. even my favorite artist hasn't done half the shit i've done. so, it's no wonder that nowadays all people ask me are things like: do you ever miss lux? i heard you still talk to jimmy kiss, is that true? are you high right now? do you believe in aliens? are you a natural blonde? - because the only thing i can respond to these types of questions is: fuck yes, only always."

she walks to the massive sliding glass door and gazes lovingly at the view of the city. "at the end of the day, it's the only thing people care about; and i couldn't care less."

the albion beauty bar is open to sauce

the world's #1 cutest couple and their fleet were called to cielo last night, to celebrate the opening of the albion beauty bar located at the foot of the primrose canyon. now, the two probably had better things to do - like drugs - but were in attendance because kathleen co-owns the joint, alongside mate argosy burns.

now, speaking of co-owners, argosy's father sammy 'third degree' burns (who heads hep parade) recently invested in pretty people club. sammy once again co-owns part of the doll's soul! does this mean he will be overseeing the production of baby babble's next book, 💘. sammy might also be somewhat in control of the beautiful one's own pretty people club magazine, so you know what that means.....more fanmail.

and more fanmail means the walls of the beauty bar won't be bare - kathleen was put in charge of design and chose to use old tabloid articles, fanmail columns and personal photos as wallpaper. trotsky, ludo ludovic, the lost boys, jimmy and joey kiss, as well as countless others dot the walls; HEP! and DIG! play endlessly on the television screens throughout the bar.

in other doll news, the kisses are planning a trip to the isle of grimaldi soon. the beautiful one thought it would be a good idea for joey to get away from the spotlight for a while. plus grimaldi has some pretty good blow, if you know what i mean!

wut's in a name?

i've been missing the doll lately, so i was happily surprised to find her fiancé joey kiss' name in the papers today. not only did joey spill that the baby will be a girl; but pretty on the inside magazine - in an effort to show the public what a healthy, happy couple the kisses really are - asked the two to come up with a list of their three favorite baby names :

KATHLEEN
1.) jesus
2.) lux zarathustra
3.) coco rodriguez
JOEY 
1.) julia jane
2.) sharon abbie
3.) nancy stella

okay, i think it's time for the doll to get her monthly head-check. WTF is with her choice of names? she's got to be pulling our legs with that coco shit! then again, it's not like joey's list is any better - all of his names sound like they could easily pass for the handle of any 1940's WWII pin-up girl.

in response to the news that their baby is female, joey said, "i'm on cloud 9 that we'll have a girl, may she eventually rule the world."

kathleen also commented with, "people are showering me with love - it's all very surreal. no, bizarre - that's a better word. actually, uncanny. it's all very uncanny to joey and i." i'm sure that's probably true; being pregnant is like being in outer space to the doll - she can't rail lines of china white every fifteen minutes or guzzle booze 'round the clock anymore.