no one touches the doll!

joey beats doll fan after touching kathleen's baby belly; throws them in riot house pool

kathleen and joey were enjoying a typical friday date night - dinner, movie and an assault - when the pair had headlock make a detour and head to the riot house, located in downtown arcadia. she poked her head around the property and was chatting up some guests in the gardens, when a townie thought it would be a wise idea to rub the doll's belly like she was the second coming of buddha or something!

although classy kat giggled and nonchalantly changed the subject, joey wasted no time. he snapped and asked the man WTF he thought he was doing. two nanoseconds later, that man was floating unconscious in the garden pool. when the couple were questioned by riot house security, joey said, "nobody touches my baby," and that kathleen wanted to press charges. when security told her that to do so, police needed to be involved, kathleen laughed and said, "this isn't a joke - i'm not just anybody."

come on, arcadian police get medals for helping the doll's cat down from a tree - they were there lickety split to clean up the situation. minutes after their arrival on the scene, the perp was seen being hauled off in handcuffs, in the back of a paddywagon.

she's in the building and she's feelin' herself

hans von holzy paints sexy pic of doll, gives her mix tape

argosy may be the star of shady lake, but the beautiful one was definitely the star of the show on the set today! it's not even her birthday yet and southern gent hans von holzy haus presented her with a giant canvas of a hand painted, nude doll and a weird, 90s cassette mix tape that he probably found in a box in his parents' attic somewhere. nothing says "i want your bod" like a mix tape does!

now i am 100% sure that all of those magic crystals are increasing the doll's witch powers and holzy haus is just under the influence of a magic love spell. if not magic spell, maybe magic mushroom? poor hans never saw it coming! but you know baby babble did, because she has a crystal ball that can see the future LOL.

doll has a crush

shady lake will begin filming after the holidays. argosy burns, daughter of hep parade magazine boss, will be the lead and the newcomer, southern gentleman hans von holzhausen has been named director. johnny kiss was named producer ages ago, and it's probably just because the doll has a crush on him too!

and ever since he was named director, kathleen has been spending an awful lot of time on the movie set. no, i don't think it's because she wants a producer's credit - she has a crush on cutie pie holzhausen!

and no, this isn't just a hunch, sodapop cola told reporters that his sister goes gaga for hans and gets all giddy at the mere mention of long ass WWII name!

while on set, the beautiful one takes it upon herself to get his coffee every morning and conveniently leaves out everyone else. one day she even forgot baby daddy joey! LOL, go figure!

speaking of joey, he is reportedly super jealous and makes it a point to 'drop by' the set alllll the time. probably checking to see if the doll is staying faithful which i am almost 100% sure she isn't. come on joey! this isn't her first ride on the cheating merry-go-round! she at least knows to get a telly.

doll is a witch, reads tarot cards

kathleen told papers today that ever since the loss of baby lux zarazthustra, she has been trying anything and everything to get pregnant again - including spells, tarot cards, magical herbs and spices, chants and candle ceremonies. basically she is a witch now trying to have a witch baby. all she is missing is a magic wand, pointy hat and broomstick.

she told reporters that she visits a palm reader, has employed a shaman and once a week has a meeting with a dream interpreter. sounds mystical. whatever works for her, i guess. i would say her best bet is to cast a love spell on joey and wait in the bedroom with candles lit and rose petals on the bed.

i wonder if she pulled out her ouija board to try and reach trotsky from beyond the grave? or at least ask if the great spirits of the netherworld can please find it in their black souls to take their #1 boy back, jimmy, back to the pit from which he came? you know what they say, doll, as above - so below!

jimmy kiss - "gossipy bitch"

this is news that we all saw coming, but in the doll's defense - whatever it is, she didn't do it!

sometimes i forget that joey is related to wet mop jimmy, and i'm sure the doll tries to forget every day of her life. we all made mistakes back in high school, but jimmy kiss had to have been the worst.

always greasy, always a punk and generally in a trilby hat - jimmy kiss was the first person to charm baby babble's heart. who knows if it was the coke, the booze or the stars in her eyes, but for years, she and jimmy were in love.

for years he photographed their life together and kathleen wrote about it. naturally, he would have plenty of candid shots and today, he told papers he is thisclose to bringing some of them into the police. jimmy told reporters that he has footage of the doll exchanging money stolen from hep parade to pay for drugs. he needs to check his facts because the beautiful one doesn't pay for drugs - she gets them for free.

where is this coming from, jimmy? one day you are talking about locking lips with her when you were in junior high and the next you are digging a ditch for her good name!

has the doll lost her razor sharp edge?

goes from XXX to ZZZ... 

word around the campfire is kathleen has been complaining to friends that, ever since joey tried to off himself, the two haven't been intimate. this cannot be true! the doll is a sexual minx whose magical beauty could bring even a blind man to seeing! what is wrong with this joey guy? this is totally joey's fault because he has the charisma of nosferatu. just kidding, even nosferatu has game.

she claimed that it's been "months" and that she's worried joey is cheating, because he barely even kisses her anymore! lame. sad. this sucks for him because i know at least four guys (jimmy, beau, maynard and loyal) who would be more than happy to assist the doll in her frustrations. don't worry beautiful brat! you still got that fire! if joey can't see it, at least you still have one more kiss brother left!

and of course this all comes after jimmy went around running his mouth about how he and the doll pretty much got A+ in sexual chemistry class back in the day. gross. no wonder joey is slacking when it comes to laying the doll's pipe - he's probably super duper creeped out!

the wet mop strikes again!

spills about being first kiss

jimmy kiss will never stop being jimmy kiss, which means we all need to expect him to open his big, fat mouth every now and again. today was no exception to this rule, as he regaled the flashers with all of his best, unused back catalog memories of him and the doll. let's take a trip down memory lane...even back in the day, when the doll still had bows and ribbons in her hair, stars in her eyes and a backpack on her shoulders, she was messing with kiss! jimmy pretty much swore on the torah in front of the flashers that the two go back to their teen years, to when baby babble was 13 and he was 15. ZOMG bb! 13??! so young. such innocence lost. back before jimmy was greasy and his wardrobe exclusively consisted of ripped denim jeans and leather jackets; before the beautiful one had her itsy bitsy babydoll dresses, her foilie-smoke stained ballet slippers and a nasty denim jacket to match...to a more simpler time, when jimmy kiss and kathleen grace were in high school in arcadia. jimmy told the flashers that during this time, the doll was very much a "little girl" and not the "bitch" she is now. um, okay...

he also went on to say that before him, she had never had a boyfriend or even kissed a guy! he soon put an end to that, and even had the dusty pictures to prove it! jimmy told it as the kiss took place somewhere near the end of the school year and that he, the doll and a group of friends were together at a house show, when kathleen decided it would be the perfect time to snap a photo. she pulled a camera out of her purse and this is when jimmy uttered the soon to be famous phrase, "this would be a better photo," and proceeded to then lock lips with the unsuspecting doll. jimmy claimed that from then on, the two were inseparable and that she would even sneak him through her window at night while mama doll was in the next room asleep! bold - i applaud her for being that girl, even in junior high.

jimmy painted a typical night like this : the two of them, rolling around underneath the covers, while soft, 90s alternative rock plays. candles and incense are lit and it smells like doobies. posters of riot grrrl bands hang on the walls and her homework in on her vanity, next to her makeup. sounds like some junior high shit. yawn.

lights, camera, action!

the doll to write screenplay for shady lake

kathleen is such a diva, she can do business anywhere she pleases - from her office at home, to a yacht, to the shores of a private beach, to a disco on another, fancier yacht. today, she signed a deal from argosy's family mansion on the isle of grimaldi for a motion picture, to be called shady lake .

not much is known about the plot yet, but apparently shady lake is based off of a scary story kathleen wrote when she was in 4th grade. obviously it will be revamped for today's audiences. argosy is in talks to star and the doll is currently looking for a male lead and a director. the film will follow a young girl, named coco rodriguez, and her boyfriend as they go camping on shady lake. unbeknownst to them, a psycho killer is on the loose, on foot, and on the way to shady lake!! i bet it will be similar to any great 90s slasher horror movie.

can't wait, sounds like it'll be a scream.

i hope your tats don't run!

love tats for kat and joey

both kisses cemented their love for each other today with a sentimental tattoo of a simple heart with an arrow going through it. kathleen chose hers to be in purple and joey opted for turquoise. in other doll news, the two want to spend the summer on the isle of grimaldi, and are trying to get back ASAP. that is, after joey gets arrested again! just kidding, he's staying there for the vitamin D. hopefully it'll cure him from trying to off himself. kathleen is attached to his hip like always, smoking foilies out of seashells and communicating in a language only mermaids understand.

you can STFU anytime, sodapop!

loose lips sink ships

kathleen's pinch-hitter publicist, brother and all around loudmouth sodapop cola has really outdone himself this time. in between his ultra demanding and high-paced schedule of taking wingnut on walks around the neighborhood and snooping in the doll's diary for possible press material, soda has signed a deal for a tell-all book about his sister. i only have three things to say about this:

1.) soda loves to blab about everyone's personal life, so this really comes as no surprise.....what surprises me is that it's not a how-to manual on diming your famous siblings out for a living!

2.) you'd have to be a class A moron to write a tell-all about the one person who puts a roof over your head 

3.) you know that there's a totally a ghostwrite for his book......and his name is jimmy kiss

after sodapop finished dishing to reporters about his deal, he then switched gears to joey kiss' trouble with the law. he told the fence that if the kisses ever return from grimaldi, joey faces several court dates and a possible stint in the big house. then again, you know how the arcadian judicial system works when it comes to matters involving the doll - joey will be out in minutes for good behavior. in other doll news, it's good to have her back in the public eye, because i missed her scrawny ass. seriously. santa claus answered my prayers early this year with "green for the money; gold for the honey." it also gave us an introduction to baby babble's chef, shuggie bo bellski. shuggie pretty much sounds like a funky pimp from harlem in the 1970s, so he must be the perfect fit to the doll's team. besides, anyone who can get along with the bitch of all bitches - headlock - is immediately hired on, so shuggie didn't really have a choice as it is.

the world's #1 couple goes to the isle of 8-balls

running around the globe promoting your bestselling book and trying to commit suicide are super tiring activities, so the kisses have decided to take a vacation. they're spending the week on the isle of grimaldi, in the birdcage neighborhood - an area known for it's constant playing of disco music, high occupancy of only the best, extra-fruity homosexuals and widespread usage of club drugs. basically, it's the party that never stops.

kathleen talked argosy, daughter of sammy 'third degree' burns (who owns hep parade ), into opening the doors to her family mansion - today, the doll told papers that she "would never leave," and that argosy made, "a huge tactical error" in giving her the master set of keys.

baby babble then told the fence that she is due back in the office on monday, but has already phoned in sick in advance. yeah, she's sick alright - sick of working! she ended the conversation with reporters by assuring she was not joking.

in other doll news, she has officially changed her address from 1999 lisbon lane, easy street hills of arcadia to big mansion down the street from a bunch of drag clubs, isle of grimaldi

.

2 many pills!

joey kiss overdoses

and no, this is not an april fools' joke. it's no secret that kat happens to be attracted to loser males with an addiction to more than just kissing her sweet lips; and joey kiss is no exception to the rule. he demonstrated this flawlessly last night after being rushed to hospital, unconscious from an apparent overdose of narcotics. the doll was by his side the entire time and even spent the night in the hospital with him. she refused to speak to not only reporters, but the police as well and urged the arcadian people to leave them the hell alone. her request was not honored.
kathleen's camp dropped the curtain on the story by releasing this official statement: "..........he just took too many pills." LOL. too many pills? what an understatement! those publicists deserve the #1 spot in the super duper storystrechers of earth's all time history library-museum and hall of fame.

#1 wedding in this solar system postponed

i forsee joey leaving the doll in 5.....4.....3.....2....

joey kiss must be high on heroin like the papers report, because he has put the date of his wedding with doll on the backburner until further notice! his camp reports that with the success of L3 M30W, joey has asked to return to the studio with the lost boys to cut another album. nowhere in joey's obviously prepared press statement did it mention any word of the death of baby lux.

the beautiful one's camp, however, released their own statement and in it pleaded with the public and the media to give kathleen some goddamn peace in the wake of such a loss. it also said that she loves joey more than the navy has sailors and the two will still be getting hitched....in their own good time. still, i'm not buying that bullshit! 'in their own good time' is just dollspeak for : the wedding will have to take place on the rings of planet saturn, because kathleen and joey are already broken up!

p.s. and it only adds to the sad irony that is the doll's life when on the same day it is made known that her wedding date has been postponed, her fiancé goes and gets a fugly, weird tattoo of a naked bride.....

the kisses' baby will surely be born a dope junkie

consider kathleen and joey's feathers ruffled; couple sues press over erroneous gossip

um, ok - if i were a journo in arcadia, i would start looking for a new job. albeit 'right hook' kathleen is the opposite of happy with the rumor that her unborn child is going to be born addicted to heroin - joey is a flip-floppity jillion on the scale of 1 to angry.

he is smarting over one story in particular, featured in arcadia's daily newspaper; with the headline of 'THE BEAUTIFUL ONE' IS THE DOPEY ONE - CONTINUES TO TAKE HEROIN AND COCAINE WHILE PREGNANT everyone in this star system figured that the shit was nanoseconds away from hitting the fan. now, all the photographers in a five-mile radius of joey know that if they do so much as look at him the wrong way, they'll be met with a fist to their flashbulbs. as for the writers, he's prepared to snap every one of their pencils over his knee; so, it's only natural that upon sight of the kisses, reporters hide faster than a hooker in running shoes upon the sound of a police siren wail.

there is even gossip going around the streets that joey is ringing up and intimidating a select number of popular journos; it's been reported that the doll's paramour has been leaving recorded threats on various writer and photographers' answer-phone machines. joey warned that if they didn't leave their jobs as head bullshit pushers in the swill industry, he would personally see to it that they never work again.

and, you guessed it - no sources were named in the article; but 'those close' to the couple say that baby babble is really, truly, seriously back to riding bareback on the white pony. it came as no surprise that the dailies' sensationalist piece was crammed with lurid lies and libel that lacked originality; still, i'm happy to reveal that at least one person had baby babble's back! after the interviewer suggested that wild honeypie has never, in fact, set her crackpipe down - one individual said that kathleen did, in fact, kick the white girl off of her back...........but that she just recently relapsed is all. duh!

in other doll news, judah fussganger - the kisses' legal representation - marched his shit downtown this morning to file all sorts of charges against the cruel media machine of arcadia. he told - LOL - the fence, "the famed kisses have nested in a venomous town, where it's rare to find someone within the city limits who has a nice thing to say about arcadia's 'it' couple. it's clear as a bell that their baby's health comes before their own now; ergo, this jest from the industry will not go without revenge." um, yeah - the justice system within the city of arcadia is so screwy that it's up to joey to beat the living snot out of every photographer he can get his mitts on until there's none left!

the kisses go to the prom

the king of queen of all that is wild and witchy do ball for grimaldi's debutantes

for an eye-roll worthy event styled after a high school prom - i know, the doll was probably so psyched - that kathleen and joey ended up traveling all the way to the isle of grimaldi to attend, it was worth it in the end - arcadia's #1 couple were chosen as prom king and queen!

the shindig was pretty much a debutante's ball for the young and underground artists of grimaldi to get their names in the industry; though the who's who of the entire galaxy was involved. speeches were made, toasts were given, awards were doled out and sammy "third degree" burns - owner of hep parade  magazine and former employer of wild honeypie -was honored as a patron of the arts; but all eyes were on the kisses as they entered the scene forty-five minutes late, only to interrupt biggles von biba - bassist for band, the flowers of evil - mid-sentence.

in her defense, i will say that not doing cocaine anymore has definitely given her more time to focus on her true calling : getting under people's skin. taking her sweet time to find her seat, kathleen managed to displease a handful of audience members in record time - at one point, someone even yelled at her to 'go home!' that comment must have gone over her head, though, because i was left speechless when she didn't summon her loyal demons from the blazes of limbo to cut the guilty party's tongue out.

the doll spent her first leg of the night making small talk with other guests at and around her table - which included fellow arcadians rocko j. nasty and rudy rubideaux - before she progressed closer and closer towards the stage. what happened next surely could not be avoided, as baby babble beset the stage and snatched the microphone away. she used her outside voice to say, "i deserve every award there is - i am the doll! i say this because i am the one who makes the money, who puts words on paper; i am a god, i have a great lawyer and more beautiful than any of you!" and then dedicated the moment to trotsky; after waving to the cameras, she joked, "hi, trots - i hope they have TVs in hell!"

the kisses wrapped their tour of the ball by accepting the coveted title of best new artist - known exclusively as the prom king or queen award in the business - and the doll won by a landslide. kathleen and joey graced that stage and baby babble, living up to her nickname, commanded the podium for a lot longer than she should have. i was half expecting the producers to cut the feed for the microphone and dub music over the doll's prattle; but, right when she was about to lose me, she folded up her collapsible soapbox and brought the crowd down - she earned a standing ovation with, "i want to dedicate being queen of the prom to the best gal pal i've ever had - trotsky. he's probably kicking himself in heaven that he's not here to wear my crown and sash for me." that was really sweet of her - i'm sure to counteract such a phenomenon, grimaldi's prom queen did something really mean after walking offstage.