is the doll pregnant with jimmy's baby?

yes, you hear me right - jimmy, not fiancé joey, could be the father?! say it ain't so!

rumors are flying around arcadia, cielo, grimaldi and monticello that several months ago, jimmy and kat were spotted together and like it was 2009 all over again; and now she's pregnant! honestly, i could see it - kat has always made a spot in her black heart for jimmy kiss, and those two get on like a house on fire...

regardless, i think joey is destined to have his heart broken by the one and only doll. the sooner he realizes, the better.

it's just funny, because i would have thought von holzy was the baby daddy! with how close those two are becoming, it's only a matter of time before pictures of them kissing in a hidden arcadian glade pop up.

long story short, the doll is a shameless flirt and will never change. if you're a guy, steer clear and if you're a woman, lock up your brothers, husbands and/or sons!

joey kiss goes on stag weekend, forgets to tell doll

joey and others leave town to scout locations for shady lake

the doll is all alone in arcadia tonight - joey kiss is out of town in monticello, scouting possible filming locations for shady lake. and he couldn't do it alone! he brought johnny kiss, sodapop and ludo ludovic along for what looks like more of a boys weekend than a business trip. as for headlock and shuggie bo bellski - the two have also taken the weekend off to go to a baseball game in cielo. enter beau badman in 3, 2, 1.....

baby babble told the papers that she plans on spending the weekend soaking in the tub, writing, watching old horror movies, smoking doobies, blasting punk music, having séances, painting her nails, watching the twilight zone, reading her future via tarot cards, planning the wedding of the century, listening to the wolfman jack show, etc...but she will definitely NOT be calling joey kiss for anything!

she told reporters that he hasn't called for 2 days, but sodapop has! and you know the mouth on soda - before long, he had spilled everything.

apparently the crew isn't exclusively scouting for locations, the boys have also taken it upon themselves to party like it's 1999. poor doll. she's just jealous! at home, all alone while the boys are on a stag weekend. oh well, she'll live.

the wedding of the century is back on!

this is not a drill, people

whatever love spell the doll cast on joey is working, because today he announced, with a big smile, that the wedding hiatus is over and the two will be married in january. i am really, seriously and truly hoping that this news is in the wake of another unplanned pregnancy! i demand a shotgun wedding of her. i love babies and seeing the doll with a glow that isn't due to shooting too much dope makes me warm all over.

the doll doesn't want to talk about babies or suicide

goes on TV to let everyone know

the doll was on a popular grimaldi news programme this afternoon to talk about shady lake. now, the channel might as well have said it was a tell-all interview about joey's suicide and her miscarriage, because the host had a barrage of questions that were 100% off-topic. the interview went something like this:

host: so, kathleen, how's it been going? kathleen: been writing a lot for the upcoming movie, shady lake
host: what has this experience been like?
kathleen: next question.
host: but a lot of people found your miscarriage unbelievably tragic...what did you think about it?
kathleen: you have to be kidding me.
host: and then to have joey, your fiancé, nearly commit suicide. what do you hope the future to hold for you two?
kathleen: *laughs* i can't believe i was dumb enough to book this show.
host: do you still love him?
kathleen: i love him enough for the both of us.

once outside the studio, she bitched and moaned about the interview and said she would put a spell on the host. just kidding! she said she would use her ouija board to communicate with ghostly spirits to haunt the host.

baby babble babbles to fans

although today was the original date of her wedding, kathleen is spending it instead speaking to fans in the wake of joey's attempted suicide. the doll wasted no time in breaking the news to the media, figuring it better to hear it from her, rather than anyone else. she also chose to ignore her managers and publicists and addressed her fans this afternoon outside of her easy street hills home and after  reading one of joey's love letters, she played what would have been his final message, recorded on her home answer-phone machine:

to my doll:
seeing as this is coming from the heart of a melancholy man in mourning, i hope you'll be able to understand this.
doll, for as long as i can remember - i have been in love with you; which, at times has been good for me and at times bad for me. you're like my heroin. i can't fool you, or anyone else for that matter - i am 100% in love with you.
i believe what ultimately has led me to this choice is the realization that the life i currently lead has gone to nothing but shit. i have lost my baby, my mind, my life to addiction. also, i feel that the pressures of reaching superstardom with the success i've found with the lost boys and L3 M30W have aided in my decision.
perhaps if luxy had made it there wouldn't be such a gap in my relationship with you. i blame only myself baby. so, from the bottom of my black and burning heart - i love you. i love you and hope that someday you can find a way to forgive me baby.

i only have one one thing to say: you're like my heroin.
after playing what might have been joey's last words to the world, kathleen opened up the gates and began handing out some of the couple's personal items : their engagement announcement photo, a signed copy of L3 M30W, a pair of joey's boots, lux zarathustra's baby rattle, kathleen's wedding veil, an empty bottle of prescription pills....the list just goes on and on and on. the exchange with fans ultimately had to come to a close, though, once the doll tried to bring some of the crowd inside the gates for a house tour. headlock ushered her inside while sodapop told press a bunch of juicy details about his sister's downward spiral. like, for instance, soda said that drug dealers make stops by the house every single day and some even know the gate codes. he added that if she's not with joey at the hospital, kathleen mainly stays in her bedroom, has been refusing food, and has been off the wagon since joey tried to off himself.
in other doll news, her book ☺  is due out soon and critics are already warming a spot for it at the top of all the best-seller lists, as well as predicting several literary awards in her future.

#1 wedding in this solar system postponed

i forsee joey leaving the doll in 5.....4.....3.....2....

joey kiss must be high on heroin like the papers report, because he has put the date of his wedding with doll on the backburner until further notice! his camp reports that with the success of L3 M30W, joey has asked to return to the studio with the lost boys to cut another album. nowhere in joey's obviously prepared press statement did it mention any word of the death of baby lux.

the beautiful one's camp, however, released their own statement and in it pleaded with the public and the media to give kathleen some goddamn peace in the wake of such a loss. it also said that she loves joey more than the navy has sailors and the two will still be getting hitched....in their own good time. still, i'm not buying that bullshit! 'in their own good time' is just dollspeak for : the wedding will have to take place on the rings of planet saturn, because kathleen and joey are already broken up!

p.s. and it only adds to the sad irony that is the doll's life when on the same day it is made known that her wedding date has been postponed, her fiancé goes and gets a fugly, weird tattoo of a naked bride.....

trouble at camp doll!

R.I.P. lux zarathustra kiss

kathleen loses baby lux zarathustra or julia jane. 

last night, as nine-month pregnant kathleen and joey kiss were travelling from arcadia to cielo by way of the gravedigger, the automobile was hit by a drunk driver and totaled. sadly, the kisses were travelling on a rural road and were not given medical attention for several hours. by the time kathleen was seen by a doctor, she had miscarried.

and if things weren't bad enough in the doll's life, as the kisses were making their way out of the hospital, photographers swarmed around the beautiful one like pigs at feeding time. instictivally, joey manuvered through the pit, shoving any flashers in his way, using any means necessary to get his fiancée the f-u-c-k out of there. press asked kathleen and joey for a comment today, but the couple has sworn off all contact with the press after their last interview with kathleen's own the pretty people club. her last comment made in the press was, "i don't count anything that the fence writes as worth a shit. it isn't real to me - or to joey for that matter."

so, the flashers are speculating the miscarriage is due to heroin and alcohol abuse - they say that baby babble loves to log important boozing hours at the riot house when nobody's looking. rumors are flying around everywhere that, not only did the doll's management staging an intervention on the couple before the announce of the pregnancy, but they were about to stage a second intervention on joey once the baby came. everyone is saying they saw it coming - but i sure as hell didn't! this news is sad, so sad and my black heart goes out to the beautiful one. R.I.P. lux zarathusta....or julia jane.

joey kiss' LP slams into record shops like pure china white

L3 M30W puts the lost boys on the map

i'm beginning to think more and more everyday that jimmy was adopted by the kiss family and is, in fact, the son of satan - but joey made me sure of it this week when his work with the lost boys, L3 M30W hit #1 on the arcadian music charts and hasn't left the top spot since! he may be as high off of heroin as his older brother, it doesn't matter - the album has been predicted to go double platinum just in the first week.

then again, the release wasn't exactly a piece of the doll's leftover birthday cake - feathers have been ruffled due to one track, entitled, "hannah humps like a bunny." the lost boys are swearing on a stack of bibles that their hearts were in the right place and joey stated, "let me say this once so we don't have to keep doing this dance - we love women."

en masse, the lost boys and joey kiss' L3 M30W is making boatloads of cash and has most of the moguls in the industry planning a trainhopping adventure for the summertime and have them out buying matching bandannas. even top suit, sammy 'third degree' burns, noted that, "green, hep underground artists are quickly becoming a practical commodity," because they make the most money and stated that the boys' LP proves just thus.

in other doll news, kathleen was at the album launch to support her fiancé - though honestly she looked as if she would rather be cleaning out the high school football team's locker room. most of the fans on the scene were groupies, so you know the beautiful one was super duper thrilled to be there. at one point, it seemed like the million dollar brat was seconds away from inciting puppy wingnut to sic a pack of sluts. "it was so gross," the doll hissed to flashers outside, making a golden defense for herself, "most of the girls were only there to get rocko j. nasty's autograph across their tits; so, yes, for the love of pete, i'm ready to go home." LOL, i'll bet she was.

happy birthday, dear doll, happy birthday to you!

looking as beautiful as ever, kathleen was a glowing picture of class and ladylike presence at the l'amour bar and restaurant tonight as she celebrated her birthday with close confidants. after blowing out candles on the rainbow birthday cake that she specially requested, the doll opened presents with a select group of mates - including fiancé joey kiss, ludo ludovic, the lost boys and brother sodapop cola.

kathleen must be the hardest person to shop for in the history of birthdays - or people must just ordinarily get her drugs as gifts - because all of her presents this year straight sucked the big one. joey kiss set the bar by giving his paramour a leather jacket and pair of motorcycle boots - which she can't even use because she's knocked up and shouldn't be riding motorcycles anyways - as well as a trilby full of eskimo kisses. he also paid for a small surprise fireworks show to take place after the dinner, which went off without any hang-ups.

ludo ludovic sleeps in a tiny shack on the edge of the kiss cradle property and laps rainwater from the birdbath to quench his thirst, so you know that he has no money. being that he couldn't afford much, ludo ended up buying the million dollar brat a cheap bouquet of pink roses and a box of candies; but brought it back home when kathleen opened his third gift - which was trotsky's hand watch. i'll bet baby babble was a happy camper - it's almost as if trotsky got up out of the graveyard and gave it to her himself. the lost boys - as they are currently living in arcadia to complete their first record, L3 M30W, with the help of joey - presented kathleen with a homemade booklet of coupons, complete with certificates for things like, 'a free night of peace and quiet,' as well as, 'three free trips to the grocery store for baby goods,' and, 'one free night of babysitting - so you can go out and get lit.' how thoughtful of them.

the best part of the story transpired when sodapop's turn to fork over a gift came around - quickly placing hands in pockets, soda began nervously whistling and couldn't help his eyes from darting around the room; then, in a huff, he grabbed his effects and motored out of the l'amour like the joint was going up in flames or something. he later told flashers - and i'm not even kidding here - that he completely spaced it being his sister's birthday. like i've said before, uncle sodapop is going to blow it with kathleen and joey's kid - the kisses should just invalidate his uncle rights to babysitting if they have any brains to speak of at all.

speaking of no brains, reporters focused the attention off of her elegance and noted that, 'like a typical pregnant woman,' she not only hogged down everything on her plate, but poached off of joey's as well! um, who gives a shit? shouldn't we all be tickled pink that baby babble is even eating as it is?

in closing, i've never seen kathleen behave so well at a bar before........

doll goes bridal

get out your calendars - november 9 is the day kathleen grace becomes kathleen kiss

november 9, 2013 is a date that will unquestionably be embroidered onto arcadia's flag for the time being, so as no one has an excuse for forgetting the day kathleen and joey walk down the isle - aka the future universal day of love in this galaxy. it's also for the beautiful one, because being sober after all of those years of cocaine abuse are working more against her than with her.

now, as far as november 9 is concerned, kathleen is closely shadowing the pace of a snail. so far, she's only decided upon these things : sodapop will be the flower girl, caretaker, and replacement for trotsky, ludo ludovic will be the maid of honor and the lost boys will round out the doll court as her bridesmaids in black; headlock has already staked his claims on overseeing the ceremony. the kiss brothers will be making up joey's party - jimmy consented, most likely with teary eyes, to grace the scene as best man and johnny would like to bear the rings.

aside from these measly developments, not much else is known about the shotgun wedding of the century - there have been talks that it will be held in arcadia, but some are saying that kathleen is adamant about hosting the festivities at the riot house in cielo - those same bitches said that if the doll were to do so, it would 'be beyond crass.' whatever, i understand 100% - kathleen just doesn't want to be pregnant, barefoot and relocating to the poorhouse with her brand-new husband!

doll does beach

the young couple sees sun, fun and guns on their vacation in grimaldi - soon after news that the two were arriving on the isle yesterday, the local airport was swarmed with fans and police were soon called in as a security measure. the kisses were actually held by grimaldi on the plane until the scene could be calmed down - it took thirty minutes, two smoke bombs and several scary guards with looks on their faces that made it crystal clear they meant business. the guards, toting rifles, ushered the pregnant beautiful one and her fiancé off of the plane, into the airport and then out a side entrance to a waiting town car.

after gracing grimaldi's prom yesterday, the two have taken to holing up in a private island cabin, the two - plus one ludo ludovic and wingnut - plan to spend the weekend relaxing peacefully and going over arrangements for the shotgun wedding of the century. though, don't expect to see kathleen purchasing a permanent property on the isle anytime soon; wild honeypie thinks the party city is about as fun as one of the lost boy's motorcycle boots to the head. she bitched, "the only thing to do out here is get into trouble and i can do that at home." she also added, "the people of grimaldi are a nightmare too - if i wanted to be treated like shit, i would have stayed with beau goodman." LOL! she's not fooling, either.

the kisses go to the prom

the king of queen of all that is wild and witchy do ball for grimaldi's debutantes

for an eye-roll worthy event styled after a high school prom - i know, the doll was probably so psyched - that kathleen and joey ended up traveling all the way to the isle of grimaldi to attend, it was worth it in the end - arcadia's #1 couple were chosen as prom king and queen!

the shindig was pretty much a debutante's ball for the young and underground artists of grimaldi to get their names in the industry; though the who's who of the entire galaxy was involved. speeches were made, toasts were given, awards were doled out and sammy "third degree" burns - owner of hep parade  magazine and former employer of wild honeypie -was honored as a patron of the arts; but all eyes were on the kisses as they entered the scene forty-five minutes late, only to interrupt biggles von biba - bassist for band, the flowers of evil - mid-sentence.

in her defense, i will say that not doing cocaine anymore has definitely given her more time to focus on her true calling : getting under people's skin. taking her sweet time to find her seat, kathleen managed to displease a handful of audience members in record time - at one point, someone even yelled at her to 'go home!' that comment must have gone over her head, though, because i was left speechless when she didn't summon her loyal demons from the blazes of limbo to cut the guilty party's tongue out.

the doll spent her first leg of the night making small talk with other guests at and around her table - which included fellow arcadians rocko j. nasty and rudy rubideaux - before she progressed closer and closer towards the stage. what happened next surely could not be avoided, as baby babble beset the stage and snatched the microphone away. she used her outside voice to say, "i deserve every award there is - i am the doll! i say this because i am the one who makes the money, who puts words on paper; i am a god, i have a great lawyer and more beautiful than any of you!" and then dedicated the moment to trotsky; after waving to the cameras, she joked, "hi, trots - i hope they have TVs in hell!"

the kisses wrapped their tour of the ball by accepting the coveted title of best new artist - known exclusively as the prom king or queen award in the business - and the doll won by a landslide. kathleen and joey graced that stage and baby babble, living up to her nickname, commanded the podium for a lot longer than she should have. i was half expecting the producers to cut the feed for the microphone and dub music over the doll's prattle; but, right when she was about to lose me, she folded up her collapsible soapbox and brought the crowd down - she earned a standing ovation with, "i want to dedicate being queen of the prom to the best gal pal i've ever had - trotsky. he's probably kicking himself in heaven that he's not here to wear my crown and sash for me." that was really sweet of her - i'm sure to counteract such a phenomenon, grimaldi's prom queen did something really mean after walking offstage.

cool answers for your square questions

the kisses cut the bullshit

the doll's fanmail column for hep parade hasn't even been dead long enough to attract worms, yet she's already back at it! why? who the hell gives that much of a shit about kathleen to keep such a crappy crapola column running? i would rather read the phonebook than any more fanmail!

just in time to dispel rumors that the two are having issues, the pretty people club magazine directed fans to write the kisses with questions regarding their relationship, engagement and baby. the couple answered individually and it's a hoot...............but this shit had better not become a regular thing again!

Q: Which would you rather have - a girl or a boy?
doll: a healthy baby
joey: a healthy baby

Q: What happened on your first date?
doll: 8-BALL
joey: doll got a nosebleed

Q: Is Jimmy Kiss as big of a 'wet mop' about your relationship as the tabloids make him out to be?
doll: BIGGER - i almost had to fork over my letterman's jacket to that creep
joey: it hasn't been a walk in the park, but i think he's gotten over himself by now

Q: Who are you considering for the godparents?
doll: DUH - the hell boys; headlock is a close second, though
joey: i want headlock as the godfather so that he can teach our kid how to drink hard booze with no chasers

Q: Are you going to let your child enter show business?
doll: ROFL @ SHOW BUSINESS - i work at the biggest whorehouse in arcadia let's cut the shit
joey: um, it'd be kind of hard not to - unless we relocated to outer space.......

Q: Is there anything from your pasts that you are afraid will come back to haunt you once Kathleen has given birth?
doll: yes - his name is beau goodman
joey: no, i am the ghost - i know everyone, but they don't know me

Q: Doll, are you sad that you can't drink or do drugs anymore?
doll: says who? i still drink and do drugs - now i just share with my baby
joey: the doll doesn't get sad - she always gets what she wants

Q: There are rumors floating around Arcadia that the two of you, namely Joey, are doing drugs - isn't the life of your baby be more important than getting high? Or do you both want to go to jail?
doll: you wanna know what jail is like? go to your local high school, find a janitor's closet and lock yourself inside for a week
joey: jail is for ugly people

Q: This is for Kathleen : you seem to be drawn to hep cities, like Cielo and Grimaldi and Arcadia - what attracts you to these locales?
doll: the vibes, the vibes, the vibes
joey: she's drawn to the city, i'm drawn to her

Q: In magazine articles, you two come off as being very intimate - yet it seems you are constantly surrounded by an excess of people; will that change once the baby is born?
doll: UM YA - HEADLOCK WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER
joey: seriously - i'm scared that some night i'll go to the crib and discover that our baby missing, only to find him in the garage with headlock......drinking hooch and listening to baseball games

Q: Who will be in your wedding party?
doll: sodapop is going to be the flower girl, ludo will be my maid of honor - the lost boys are over the moon to be my bridesmaids in black. P.S. headlock informed me that he would be officiating the ceremony, whether we like it or not
joey: jimmy has consented to be my best man; johnny wants to be the ring bearer

Q: You've hardly talked about Jimmy's reaction to when you both began to date - how did he actually take it?
doll: cried, screamed, bummed a ciggie off of me, cried some more, got drunk, fell down, squeezed out a few more tears, fell asleep on the street, woke up a policeman giving him a mean hairy eyeball and then stumbled back to joey and i; from there, he bummed a few more ciggies, we gave him some blow, he took a shower, calmed the fuck down and apologized. subsequently, he was asked to leave.
joey: with respect to my older brother, jimmy took it like an airplane crash

Q: Did Jimmy really ask for his letterman's jacket back?
doll: ....................................LOL
joey: LOL....................................

Q: For your child's future, what is your biggest fear?
doll: I'M SCARED MY BABY WILL TURN OUT 2 BE A L7
joey: i don't want my kid stepping foot in the riot house - its reputation of being the kind of place a mother wouldn't want their child going precedes the joint enough for me

Q: What's the first thing that you're going to do once the baby is born?
doll: i'm going to walk into the riot house and check into a room, no, a bungalow under a fake name - like harmonishka - from there, i will page my drug dealer score some blow. then, off of a framed picture, stolen right from the riot house walls, i will rail a line as long as the mississippi. all while the baby is watching, of course.
joey: i'm going to watch the doll do all of that

Q: Be honest - would you let Jimmy babysit?
doll: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL i would rather be strung by my thumbs and have my eyeballs dug out with an ice-cream scooper!
joey: um, would you?

okay, whoever sent in that last question deserves to be sainted; and - i'm talking to kathleen here - she deserves sainthood as well for her angelic response. uncle jimmy is going to be, hands down, the worst uncle in the history of uncles! sodapop will be the runner-up, but jimmy has him beat with a clean sweep.

joey kiss : "no money, no funny"

kathleen's rent boy is working around the clock in arcadia; and, no, for once it's not to support the doll's nasty nose candy habit!

joey hit the studio in arcadia with the lost boys - the band was signed soon after being attacked at the freak festival last year - to work on their latest album, L3 M3OW. the young kiss was asked to join the project after hep parade- the company of which kathleen is contracted out by - signed joey under their name.

the lost boys want their record to be a concept album and have asked joey to produce the likely sensation. the boys are already showing boatloads of promise - as a trial, 500 copies of the first single, "a cowboy needs a horse," were released at arcadia's premier record shop and within ten minutes, all 500 copies had been sold. still, it may all be too good to be true - sodapop leaked to the press that pregnant kathleen is worried joey is partying more than working.

spending most of his time in the studio, joey hasn't seen his 1999 lisbon drive home since last year! kiss claims that his lack of presence is an effort to wrap the album as quickly as possible - so he can spend a heap of time with his knocked up fiancée. he told flashers, "no money - no funny," and that he's surely soon to be as famous as his old lady. well, i'm not buying it and neither is the doll!

soda is certain that kathleen is certain joey is out boozing it up and that her feelings are really hurt - the expectant father has also skipped out on important doctor's appointments, which left the doll dangerously close to the edge of grabbing her shotgun and a shovel to begin the kiss genocide at once. the beautiful one's loudmouthed brother also made it seem like the doll has no life now; and said that, every night, baby babble stays up super duper late and waits for joey to come home - only he never does! sodapop pretty much confirmed that kathleen switches between staring longingly out the window for a glimpse of joey and staring longingly at the telephone for a call from joey.

the stories were all put to rest today when journalists cornered the million dollar brat and inquired as to if joey really was writing her off or if it's just idle gossip. she didn't any questions, naturally; only responding with, "the joke is on all you assholes - now go kill yourselves."