merry xmas!

doll friends and family woke up this morning, sat down by the christmas tree and opened presents....just like everybody else. well, everybody but the kiss side of the family, because they already celebrated hanukkah and yawn when the 25th of december comes around.

this year, kathleen went cheap and made joey a scrapbook of ultrasound scans (barf), sodapop a vacation, headlock a new radio to listen to baseball on, shuggie a new set of knives, ludo a raise and promised close-up in shady lake, and the two lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal were promised a follow-up to L3 M30W. the doll even treated herself to the boxset of sci-fi favorite, twilight zone. 

wow, sounds like the only person who was missing a gift - as usual - was jimmy kiss!

kathleen allows joey to open one gift

mama doll, mama kiss, sodapop, kiss brothers jimmy and johnny, ludo ludovic, shuggie bo bellski, joey and kat, lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal, and even maynard g. alberkraut were gathered underneath the doll's christmas tree in arcadia last night to eat, drink and be merry. as part of time honored doll family tradition, everyone was allowed to open one gift.

according to sodapop, joey chose the biggest box and inside was one of kathleen's famous IOUs for a new tattoo. so, at around midnight, after several hot toddies, kathleen, sodapop and jimmy dragged joey down to the only tattoo shop open in arcadia on a snowy christmas eve....only to promptly call in their private tattoo artist LOL.

doll watches twilight zone episode, gets scared, dials 911

sleeps with murder weap by bed

joey kiss better hurry up and finish his (excuse for a heroin bender)  scouting for shady lake, because the doll won't last much longer! she is still alone in arcadia at the kiss cradle and she is beginning to crack. she phoned police at 3 AM after hearing scary noises while watching an equally as scary episode of the twilight zone. you can blame it on the witching hour or she was probably high off her face on cocaine, but the story still remains the same.

kathleen told police that she can't stand being away from joey and gets scared easily - she sleeps with the light on and with a shotgun next to the bed. gulp, a shotgun? that sounds like an accident waiting to happen. i hope joey is aware of this.

in his defense, he tried to say that the doll has a super duper magical unicorn security gate that will protect her from all the weirdos of the world…..

just kidding! it’s 2013 and no one is safe from anything anymore. it's no wonder she's got some firepower at arm's reach - lest we forget she was brutally attacked in arcadia! a security gate doesn't mean shit anymore. if this was a test to prove that he can take care of the doll, he just flunked big time.

joey kiss goes on stag weekend, forgets to tell doll

joey and others leave town to scout locations for shady lake

the doll is all alone in arcadia tonight - joey kiss is out of town in monticello, scouting possible filming locations for shady lake. and he couldn't do it alone! he brought johnny kiss, sodapop and ludo ludovic along for what looks like more of a boys weekend than a business trip. as for headlock and shuggie bo bellski - the two have also taken the weekend off to go to a baseball game in cielo. enter beau badman in 3, 2, 1.....

baby babble told the papers that she plans on spending the weekend soaking in the tub, writing, watching old horror movies, smoking doobies, blasting punk music, having séances, painting her nails, watching the twilight zone, reading her future via tarot cards, planning the wedding of the century, listening to the wolfman jack show, etc...but she will definitely NOT be calling joey kiss for anything!

she told reporters that he hasn't called for 2 days, but sodapop has! and you know the mouth on soda - before long, he had spilled everything.

apparently the crew isn't exclusively scouting for locations, the boys have also taken it upon themselves to party like it's 1999. poor doll. she's just jealous! at home, all alone while the boys are on a stag weekend. oh well, she'll live.

joey kiss is a video ho

stars in lost boys' latest video

and by all means, the doll is a video ho as well. the lost boys' latest video, "nancy is a heartbreaker," stars the two as themselves. in the first scene, the doll and her beau are engaged in one of their usual knock down and drag out crackhead fights, when the doll throws her famous locket with joey's picture inside right at his face! thus, making her the heartbreaker...

cut to the second scene - joey is walking, and no, not to the pawn shop to get some money for that locket in the last scene - joey is walking home, to change and head out for a night with the lost boys. he throws on a ratty white tee shirt, some tight black pants and a nasty, disease-infested leather jacket. the boys are dressed similarly. the video cues to a shot of downtown grimaldi. the sun is setting between buildings. clips of the night are playing : joey wilding out, breaking beer bottles in the street, doing whippets, hanging with gang members, skateboarding with other punks, greasing his hair back, dancing his skinny booty off, robbing people, flipping off the camera, air-boxing, smoking blunts, playing grab-ass.........you get the picture. cut to end scene : joey stumbles into some kind of random hotel party and immediately eyes the doll in a corner. as he makes his way over to her, he begins stripping and the video ends with the two making out and rolling around in a bathroom. ICK NAST.

firstly, who would want to roll around with greasy joey kiss, let alone on the floor of some gross hotel party? make better choices doll! otherwise, kathleen was born to play the role of the heartbreaker. i was just wondering why my boy shuggie didn't make his big screen debut! with a stage name like shuggie bo bellski, he is bound for stardom. trust.

you can STFU anytime, sodapop!

loose lips sink ships

kathleen's pinch-hitter publicist, brother and all around loudmouth sodapop cola has really outdone himself this time. in between his ultra demanding and high-paced schedule of taking wingnut on walks around the neighborhood and snooping in the doll's diary for possible press material, soda has signed a deal for a tell-all book about his sister. i only have three things to say about this:

1.) soda loves to blab about everyone's personal life, so this really comes as no surprise.....what surprises me is that it's not a how-to manual on diming your famous siblings out for a living!

2.) you'd have to be a class A moron to write a tell-all about the one person who puts a roof over your head 

3.) you know that there's a totally a ghostwrite for his book......and his name is jimmy kiss

after sodapop finished dishing to reporters about his deal, he then switched gears to joey kiss' trouble with the law. he told the fence that if the kisses ever return from grimaldi, joey faces several court dates and a possible stint in the big house. then again, you know how the arcadian judicial system works when it comes to matters involving the doll - joey will be out in minutes for good behavior. in other doll news, it's good to have her back in the public eye, because i missed her scrawny ass. seriously. santa claus answered my prayers early this year with "green for the money; gold for the honey." it also gave us an introduction to baby babble's chef, shuggie bo bellski. shuggie pretty much sounds like a funky pimp from harlem in the 1970s, so he must be the perfect fit to the doll's team. besides, anyone who can get along with the bitch of all bitches - headlock - is immediately hired on, so shuggie didn't really have a choice as it is.