merry xmas!

doll friends and family woke up this morning, sat down by the christmas tree and opened presents....just like everybody else. well, everybody but the kiss side of the family, because they already celebrated hanukkah and yawn when the 25th of december comes around.

this year, kathleen went cheap and made joey a scrapbook of ultrasound scans (barf), sodapop a vacation, headlock a new radio to listen to baseball on, shuggie a new set of knives, ludo a raise and promised close-up in shady lake, and the two lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal were promised a follow-up to L3 M30W. the doll even treated herself to the boxset of sci-fi favorite, twilight zone. 

wow, sounds like the only person who was missing a gift - as usual - was jimmy kiss!

kathleen allows joey to open one gift

mama doll, mama kiss, sodapop, kiss brothers jimmy and johnny, ludo ludovic, shuggie bo bellski, joey and kat, lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal, and even maynard g. alberkraut were gathered underneath the doll's christmas tree in arcadia last night to eat, drink and be merry. as part of time honored doll family tradition, everyone was allowed to open one gift.

according to sodapop, joey chose the biggest box and inside was one of kathleen's famous IOUs for a new tattoo. so, at around midnight, after several hot toddies, kathleen, sodapop and jimmy dragged joey down to the only tattoo shop open in arcadia on a snowy christmas eve....only to promptly call in their private tattoo artist LOL.

happy thanksgiving!

years before, the doll would have been thankful for cocaine, punk rock music, ballet slippers and fake eyelashes; but now she is mostly thankful for joey, her baby, headlock and her nightly fantasies of hans von holzhausen.
ok, maybe i don't know if the last one is true, but i feel like it is. she even invited him to the same thanksgiving mama doll and mama kiss were at! you know that joey had his arms crossed, glaring at him the entire time and probably refused to take a bite of the dish hans brought. so predictable!
and even though everyone was expecting the doll to push her plate away after three bites, she didn't - she actually ate! only, she craves the strangest foods now.
instead of traditional turkey and sides, the beautiful one opted for cold matzo ball soup and gefilte fish on toast, marshmallow fluff sandwiches, cottage cheese and leftover chinese food. and yes, the correct reaction is to be disgusted. but hey, at least she's eating!

the beautiful one has spanish influenza

dr. kiss reports for duty!

she'll share a pipe with just about anybody, so it comes as no surprise that the doll is sick! paramedics were seen outside of lisbon drive today and headlock told reporters that kathleen has and will be laid up until further notice.
no, sadly, she isn't pregnant! headlock said doctors diagnosed her with influenza, probably from those nasty tourists on the isle of 8 balls grimaldi : where people don't wear shoes or underwear.
the funny thing is, joey kiss is the worst doctor and is totally sleeping on the floor tonight or in the doghouse or on a couch in headlock's shack. one of the three. headlock told reporters that kathleen demanded he call paramedics because he wouldn't even take her temperature! joey is so paranoid she is going to get him sick that he won't even be in the same room as the poor doll.
dumb joey! it's just the flu! don't be such a pussy!

joey kiss goes on stag weekend, forgets to tell doll

joey and others leave town to scout locations for shady lake

the doll is all alone in arcadia tonight - joey kiss is out of town in monticello, scouting possible filming locations for shady lake. and he couldn't do it alone! he brought johnny kiss, sodapop and ludo ludovic along for what looks like more of a boys weekend than a business trip. as for headlock and shuggie bo bellski - the two have also taken the weekend off to go to a baseball game in cielo. enter beau badman in 3, 2, 1.....

baby babble told the papers that she plans on spending the weekend soaking in the tub, writing, watching old horror movies, smoking doobies, blasting punk music, having séances, painting her nails, watching the twilight zone, reading her future via tarot cards, planning the wedding of the century, listening to the wolfman jack show, etc...but she will definitely NOT be calling joey kiss for anything!

she told reporters that he hasn't called for 2 days, but sodapop has! and you know the mouth on soda - before long, he had spilled everything.

apparently the crew isn't exclusively scouting for locations, the boys have also taken it upon themselves to party like it's 1999. poor doll. she's just jealous! at home, all alone while the boys are on a stag weekend. oh well, she'll live.

the kisses go to arcadia for the holidays

fires warning shot at photographers

kathleen and joey were in arcadia all of twenty minutes, when photographers swarmed them inside the airport and followed them all the way home to their 1999 lisbon drive residence. by the time headlock pulled the gravedigger up, though, flashers wasted no time in rushing the gates and continuing inside the property on foot. this is when headlock parked at the garage, grabbed his pistol and proceeded to fire a warning shot in the air.
the reporter got the hint and drove off, but not before calling the cops to snitch on headlock! later on, officers arrived outside of the kiss cradle and as soon as they saw kathleen, they shrugged, sighed, turned off the sirens and went home. arcadian police and the doll go way back - they wouldn't dream of prosecuting her to the fullest extent of the law! also, i know what you're thinking - holidays? but it's october!

shabbat dinner for mama doll

happy birthday mama doll! if it weren't for your daughter, you wouldn't look a day over 22 and i mean it! it's just such a shame that girl discovered blow all those years ago. or should i say blow discovered her....

anyways, shixsa kathleen and joey hosted a super special shabbat dinner party in honor of her very own mother. she even flew her out special on her private jet, the crippler, and gave ludo ludovic and sodapop the shit jobs of accompanying her. on the way, they picked up mama kiss and, for whatever reason, jimmy kiss as well. the two moms are quite friendly and are photographed regularly without their famous children. and no, i know what you're thinking - they weren't heading into a police station to bail them out! the two generally meet for dinner several times a month and have also been seen shopping together. OMG, i just had a thought : what if they're lezzy lesbians? imagine that!

as predicted, jimmy the wet mop was there and was being a sourpuss the entire night. sodapop told the flashers, over a cigarette before cutting the birthday cake, that jimmy wouldn't even sit at the dinner table - he sat in the living room the entire time, watching a baseball game! what a dick.

nothing else really cool to report, other than eldest kiss brother johnny was in attendance and when he strolled into the dinner, the doll probably pictured herself dumping joey for a hot minute and running off into the sunset with johnny. 2 brothers down, doll, 1 to go....

you can STFU anytime, sodapop!

loose lips sink ships

kathleen's pinch-hitter publicist, brother and all around loudmouth sodapop cola has really outdone himself this time. in between his ultra demanding and high-paced schedule of taking wingnut on walks around the neighborhood and snooping in the doll's diary for possible press material, soda has signed a deal for a tell-all book about his sister. i only have three things to say about this:

1.) soda loves to blab about everyone's personal life, so this really comes as no surprise.....what surprises me is that it's not a how-to manual on diming your famous siblings out for a living!
2.) you'd have to be a class A moron to write a tell-all about the one person who puts a roof over your head 
3.) you know that there's a totally a ghostwrite for his book......and his name is jimmy kiss

after sodapop finished dishing to reporters about his deal, he then switched gears to joey kiss' trouble with the law. he told the fence that if the kisses ever return from grimaldi, joey faces several court dates and a possible stint in the big house. then again, you know how the arcadian judicial system works when it comes to matters involving the doll - joey will be out in minutes for good behavior. in other doll news, it's good to have her back in the public eye, because i missed her scrawny ass. seriously. santa claus answered my prayers early this year with "green for the money; gold for the honey." it also gave us an introduction to baby babble's chef, shuggie bo bellski. shuggie pretty much sounds like a funky pimp from harlem in the 1970s, so he must be the perfect fit to the doll's team. besides, anyone who can get along with the bitch of all bitches - headlock - is immediately hired on, so shuggie didn't really have a choice as it is.

pretty people club handboook is released

☺ hits bookshelves everywhere

the heartless group of rich and sheltered suits that sign the doll's paychecks are surely going to have a long afterlife in the 9th circle of hell - just 10 days after kathleen's true love, joey kiss, was discovered half-dead in cielo, the doll's book has been released and she's been thrown on a press tour!

the tour kicked off with a luncheon, a reading at a popular bookstore in downtown arcadia and then took a trip down memory lane and answered some questions from fans. and, you guessed it, the doll bombed.

now, let's give her bony ass some credit - it's her first time in the media since joey tried to end it all and the questions she was given were less than second-rate. plus, if you add a little bit of cocaine in the mix you're going to get one classic doll fanmail column released 'round the world:

Q:Is it true you tried to kill Joey Kiss?
A: that sounds like a loaded question
Q: Are you going to try and kill yourself now?
A: DON'T U KNO WHO I AM???? you can't ask those kind of questions. i can have you fired for that type of shit.
Q: Joey : Heroin :: Doll : __________?
A: GO$$IP
Q:I don't get it - your fiancé just tried to kill himself....why are you going on tour?
A: well, i'm here to make $$$$$$$$$$ and the bottom line is - the man is going to try and take advantage of you if you're underground and they'll take advantage of you if you're signed to a major label. the more money i make, the more the people like you leave me alone.
Q: Would you miss him?
A: every minute of every day
Q:Who is ☺ dedicated to?
A: LUCIFER + WINGNUT + LUXY
Q: How much money do you make per year?
A: a boatload - 2 MUCH 2 COUNT
Q:I just saw HEP! and DIG! for the first time and my favorite part is you dancing to the credits - is this candid or was it scripted?
A: I GO HAM - always candid. but the director did have to warm me up to the idea...he was telling me shit like, "remember me from the freak fest? i was one of the roadies!" and "yo, i can't stand that beau fool!"
Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: HELL
Q: Are you planning on staying with Joey, or are you going to get back with one of your exes? Beau? Loyal? Maynard? Jimmy?
A: you can't believe everything you see and hear, now can you? i feel like joey'd want me to tell you all to go fuck yourselves.

the best part of the story is that the doll's backers are going to hire a tour manager - and, nope, it's not headlock - to wrangle kathleen. in an interview with the fence, the tour manager said that the doll is a "hothead" and seems like it will be a "struggle" to get her through the tour in one piece. the tour manager swears that the doll is on drugs and a good night for her consists of a million foilies. taking off all her clothes, running in circles around the stage, talking to herself and stage-diving. diva!

in other doll news, joey kiss is out of the hospital and currently under close suicide watch at the couple's lisbon drive home.

baby babble babbles to fans

although today was the original date of her wedding, kathleen is spending it instead speaking to fans in the wake of joey's attempted suicide. the doll wasted no time in breaking the news to the media, figuring it better to hear it from her, rather than anyone else. she also chose to ignore her managers and publicists and addressed her fans this afternoon outside of her easy street hills home and after  reading one of joey's love letters, she played what would have been his final message, recorded on her home answer-phone machine:
to my doll:
seeing as this is coming from the heart of a melancholy man in mourning, i hope you'll be able to understand this.
doll, for as long as i can remember - i have been in love with you; which, at times has been good for me and at times bad for me. you're like my heroin. i can't fool you, or anyone else for that matter - i am 100% in love with you.
i believe what ultimately has led me to this choice is the realization that the life i currently lead has gone to nothing but shit. i have lost my baby, my mind, my life to addiction. also, i feel that the pressures of reaching superstardom with the success i've found with the lost boys and L3 M30W have aided in my decision.
perhaps if luxy had made it there wouldn't be such a gap in my relationship with you. i blame only myself baby. so, from the bottom of my black and burning heart - i love you. i love you and hope that someday you can find a way to forgive me baby.
i only have one one thing to say: you're like my heroin.
after playing what might have been joey's last words to the world, kathleen opened up the gates and began handing out some of the couple's personal items : their engagement announcement photo, a signed copy of L3 M30W, a pair of joey's boots, lux zarathustra's baby rattle, kathleen's wedding veil, an empty bottle of prescription pills....the list just goes on and on and on. the exchange with fans ultimately had to come to a close, though, once the doll tried to bring some of the crowd inside the gates for a house tour. headlock ushered her inside while sodapop told press a bunch of juicy details about his sister's downward spiral. like, for instance, soda said that drug dealers make stops by the house every single day and some even know the gate codes. he added that if she's not with joey at the hospital, kathleen mainly stays in her bedroom, has been refusing food, and has been off the wagon since joey tried to off himself.
in other doll news, her book ☺  is due out soon and critics are already warming a spot for it at the top of all the best-seller lists, as well as predicting several literary awards in her future.

after the laughter, comes the tears

joey kiss knocks on heaven's door, gets told to 'kick rocks'

kathleen was hard at work on her new column this morning at the pretty people club offices when she received an alarming phone call from headlock, urging her to come home. by the time she made it through arcadia's hellish morning traffic, police and ambulances were in the driveway, reporters were just beginning to arrive. before long, the entire block was a media circus, complete with journalists hounding neighbors and sneaking through backyards, all in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the greek tragedy that is the beautiful one's life.

soon after news broke that 1999 lisbon was ground zero for some real doll drama, fans of both joey and kathleen began to gather outside of the gates as well.the doll made it through the main gates when her brother, sodapop cola, jaunted up to her. he broke the news that joey kiss attempted to take his life this morning and was in critical condition at the couple's lisbon drive home.

joey had been missing for several days and was thought to be in cielo; but returned yesterday to arcadia and had been holed up, on the edge of the property, in a small guest cottage. his body was discovered by sodapop; details are still sketchy as to exactly what happened or what the hell is even going on.

one thing is for sure, though - those close to kathleen say, despite joey's recent trials and tribulations, "they were very close and they were very much in love."

police and medical technicians were on the scene early this afternoon and joey is currently in the intensive care unit. for now, kathleen has traded in the kiss cradle for the riot house. from there i'm sure she will probably fill her suite with alligator tears, smoke foilies and wonder why it couldn't have been beau badman instead.

the gravedigger's tires have been slashed!

kathleen may have a baby on the way, but her first child - beloved black rolls royce town car - the gravedigger is in critical condition! when the doll awoke today, she traipsed into the kitchen and languidly put a kettle on to boil; within a few minutes, the water was ready and her tea was brewing. the doll reached for her favorite coffee cup and went to the cupboard for some sugar - only to find a space on the shelf where the sugar used to live! now, normally kathleen would stomp her feet and howl for someone to get her more on the double; but now that she's pregnant and sober, she's a different doll. also, joey is back in the studio with the lost boys - working on their first album, L3 M30W- and headlock was with sodapop, painting the nursery. furthermore, it's been said before that groundskeeper ludo ludovic is useless before noon; so, the million dollar brat did a quick sweep of the grounds before heading to the gravedigger to buy another bag from the closest grocery store. as she approached the monstrous machine, however, kathleen realized that all four tires were flatter than blueberry pancakes.

oddly enough, the knifing went down sometime after three this morning and took place within the locked kiss cradle gates. even more oddly, although other cars were on the property - a total of seven - the gravedigger was the only vehicle to fall victim. sadly, the knife-brandishing prowlers are going to remain free to continue prowling - no security footage could be utilized, as baby babble's beloved automobile just so happened to be parked out of frame.

fuzz warned wild honeypie that she should take such an invasion as a great threat and that a prowler would only do something of such a degree to send a message. officers then questioned friends and neighbors as to if the doll has any enemies that would want to see her suffer. joey responded with, "oh yeah, because she likes to surround herself with sadists."

kathleen made a remark of similar cynical merit and answered, "i don't even have friends - only enemies" i'll buy that. still, can someone please phone in an anonymous tip to the arcadian police department for me? i'm almost 100% positive that jimmy kiss has a chip on his shoulder about the shotgun wedding of the century and unleashed his frustrations on a beastly black town car.

doll goes bridal

get out your calendars - november 9 is the day kathleen grace becomes kathleen kiss

november 9, 2013 is a date that will unquestionably be embroidered onto arcadia's flag for the time being, so as no one has an excuse for forgetting the day kathleen and joey walk down the isle - aka the future universal day of love in this galaxy. it's also for the beautiful one, because being sober after all of those years of cocaine abuse are working more against her than with her.

now, as far as november 9 is concerned, kathleen is closely shadowing the pace of a snail. so far, she's only decided upon these things : sodapop will be the flower girl, caretaker, and replacement for trotsky, ludo ludovic will be the maid of honor and the lost boys will round out the doll court as her bridesmaids in black; headlock has already staked his claims on overseeing the ceremony. the kiss brothers will be making up joey's party - jimmy consented, most likely with teary eyes, to grace the scene as best man and johnny would like to bear the rings.

aside from these measly developments, not much else is known about the shotgun wedding of the century - there have been talks that it will be held in arcadia, but some are saying that kathleen is adamant about hosting the festivities at the riot house in cielo - those same bitches said that if the doll were to do so, it would 'be beyond crass.' whatever, i understand 100% - kathleen just doesn't want to be pregnant, barefoot and relocating to the poorhouse with her brand-new husband!

cool answers for your square questions

the kisses cut the bullshit

the doll's fanmail column for hep parade hasn't even been dead long enough to attract worms, yet she's already back at it! why? who the hell gives that much of a shit about kathleen to keep such a crappy crapola column running? i would rather read the phonebook than any more fanmail!

just in time to dispel rumors that the two are having issues, the pretty people club magazine directed fans to write the kisses with questions regarding their relationship, engagement and baby. the couple answered individually and it's a hoot...............but this shit had better not become a regular thing again!

Q: Which would you rather have - a girl or a boy?
doll: a healthy baby
joey: a healthy baby
Q: What happened on your first date?
doll: 8-BALL
joey: doll got a nosebleed
Q: Is Jimmy Kiss as big of a 'wet mop' about your relationship as the tabloids make him out to be?
doll: BIGGER - i almost had to fork over my letterman's jacket to that creep
joey: it hasn't been a walk in the park, but i think he's gotten over himself by now
Q: Who are you considering for the godparents?
doll: DUH - the hell boys; headlock is a close second, though
joey: i want headlock as the godfather so that he can teach our kid how to drink hard booze with no chasers
Q: Are you going to let your child enter show business?
doll: ROFL @ SHOW BUSINESS - i work at the biggest whorehouse in arcadia let's cut the shit
joey: um, it'd be kind of hard not to - unless we relocated to outer space.......
Q: Is there anything from your pasts that you are afraid will come back to haunt you once Kathleen has given birth?
doll: yes - his name is beau goodman
joey: no, i am the ghost - i know everyone, but they don't know me
Q: Doll, are you sad that you can't drink or do drugs anymore?
doll: says who? i still drink and do drugs - now i just share with my baby
joey: the doll doesn't get sad - she always gets what she wants
Q: There are rumors floating around Arcadia that the two of you, namely Joey, are doing drugs - isn't the life of your baby be more important than getting high? Or do you both want to go to jail?
doll: you wanna know what jail is like? go to your local high school, find a janitor's closet and lock yourself inside for a week
joey: jail is for ugly people
Q: This is for Kathleen : you seem to be drawn to hep cities, like Cielo and Grimaldi and Arcadia - what attracts you to these locales?
doll: the vibes, the vibes, the vibes
joey: she's drawn to the city, i'm drawn to her
Q: In magazine articles, you two come off as being very intimate - yet it seems you are constantly surrounded by an excess of people; will that change once the baby is born?
doll: UM YA - HEADLOCK WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER
joey: seriously - i'm scared that some night i'll go to the crib and discover that our baby missing, only to find him in the garage with headlock......drinking hooch and listening to baseball games
Q: Who will be in your wedding party?
doll: sodapop is going to be the flower girl, ludo will be my maid of honor - the lost boys are over the moon to be my bridesmaids in black. P.S. headlock informed me that he would be officiating the ceremony, whether we like it or not
joey: jimmy has consented to be my best man; johnny wants to be the ring bearer
Q: You've hardly talked about Jimmy's reaction to when you both began to date - how did he actually take it?
doll: cried, screamed, bummed a ciggie off of me, cried some more, got drunk, fell down, squeezed out a few more tears, fell asleep on the street, woke up a policeman giving him a mean hairy eyeball and then stumbled back to joey and i; from there, he bummed a few more ciggies, we gave him some blow, he took a shower, calmed the fuck down and apologized. subsequently, he was asked to leave.
joey: with respect to my older brother, jimmy took it like an airplane crash
Q: Did Jimmy really ask for his letterman's jacket back?
doll: ....................................LOL
joey: LOL....................................
Q: For your child's future, what is your biggest fear?
doll: I'M SCARED MY BABY WILL TURN OUT 2 BE A L7
joey: i don't want my kid stepping foot in the riot house - its reputation of being the kind of place a mother wouldn't want their child going precedes the joint enough for me
Q: What's the first thing that you're going to do once the baby is born?
doll: i'm going to walk into the riot house and check into a room, no, a bungalow under a fake name - like harmonishka - from there, i will page my drug dealer score some blow. then, off of a framed picture, stolen right from the riot house walls, i will rail a line as long as the mississippi. all while the baby is watching, of course.
joey: i'm going to watch the doll do all of that
Q: Be honest - would you let Jimmy babysit?
doll: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL i would rather be strung by my thumbs and have my eyeballs dug out with an ice-cream scooper!
joey: um, would you?

okay, whoever sent in that last question deserves to be sainted; and - i'm talking to kathleen here - she deserves sainthood as well for her angelic response. uncle jimmy is going to be, hands down, the worst uncle in the history of uncles! sodapop will be the runner-up, but jimmy has him beat with a clean sweep.