the world's #1 cutest couple and their fleet were called to cielo last night, to celebrate the opening of the albion beauty bar located at the foot of the primrose canyon. now, the two probably had better things to do - like drugs - but were in attendance because kathleen co-owns the joint, alongside mate argosy burns.

now, speaking of co-owners, argosy's father sammy 'third degree' burns (who heads hep parade) recently invested in pretty people club. sammy once again co-owns part of the doll's soul! does this mean he will be overseeing the production of baby babble's next book, 💘. sammy might also be somewhat in control of the beautiful one's own pretty people club magazine, so you know what that means.....more fanmail.

and more fanmail means the walls of the beauty bar won't be bare - kathleen was put in charge of design and chose to use old tabloid articles, fanmail columns and personal photos as wallpaper. trotsky, ludo ludovic, the lost boys, jimmy and joey kiss, as well as countless others dot the walls; HEP! and DIG! play endlessly on the television screens throughout the bar.

in other doll news, the kisses are planning a trip to the isle of grimaldi soon. the beautiful one thought it would be a good idea for joey to get away from the spotlight for a while. plus grimaldi has some pretty good blow, if you know what i mean!

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the heartless group of rich and sheltered suits that sign the doll's paychecks are surely going to have a long afterlife in the 9th circle of hell - just 10 days after kathleen's true love, joey kiss, was discovered half-dead in cielo, the doll's book has been released and she's been thrown on a press tour!

the tour kicked off with a luncheon, a reading at a popular bookstore in downtown arcadia and then took a trip down memory lane and answered some questions from fans. and, you guessed it, the doll bombed.

now, let's give her bony ass some credit - it's her first time in the media since joey tried to end it all and the questions she was given were less than second-rate. plus, if you add a little bit of cocaine in the mix you're going to get one classic doll fanmail column released 'round the world:

Q:Is it true you tried to kill Joey Kiss?
A: that sounds like a loaded question

Q: Are you going to try and kill yourself now?
A: DON'T U KNO WHO I AM???? you can't ask those kind of questions. i can have you fired for that type of shit.

Q: Joey : Heroin :: Doll : __________?
A: GO$$IP

Q:I don't get it - your fiancé just tried to kill himself....why are you going on tour?
A: well, i'm here to make $$$$$$$$$$ and the bottom line is - the man is going to try and take advantage of you if you're underground and they'll take advantage of you if you're signed to a major label. the more money i make, the more the people like you leave me alone.

Q: Would you miss him?
A: every minute of every day

Q:Who is ☺ dedicated to?
A: LUCIFER + WINGNUT + LUXY

Q: How much money do you make per year?
A: a boatload - 2 MUCH 2 COUNT

Q:I just saw HEP! and DIG! for the first time and my favorite part is you dancing to the credits - is this candid or was it scripted?
A: I GO HAM - always candid. but the director did have to warm me up to the idea...he was telling me shit like, "remember me from the freak fest? i was one of the roadies!" and "yo, i can't stand that beau fool!"

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: HELL

Q: Are you planning on staying with Joey, or are you going to get back with one of your exes? Beau? Loyal? Maynard? Jimmy?
A: you can't believe everything you see and hear, now can you? i feel like joey'd want me to tell you all to go fuck yourselves.

the best part of the story is that the doll's backers are going to hire a tour manager - and, nope, it's not headlock - to wrangle kathleen. in an interview with the fence, the tour manager said that the doll is a "hothead" and seems like it will be a "struggle" to get her through the tour in one piece. the tour manager swears that the doll is on drugs and a good night for her consists of a million foilies. taking off all her clothes, running in circles around the stage, talking to herself and stage-diving. diva!

in other doll news, joey kiss is out of the hospital and currently under close suicide watch at the couple's lisbon drive home.

2013

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