kathleen allows joey to open one gift

mama doll, mama kiss, sodapop, kiss brothers jimmy and johnny, ludo ludovic, shuggie bo bellski, joey and kat, lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal, and even maynard g. alberkraut were gathered underneath the doll's christmas tree in arcadia last night to eat, drink and be merry. as part of time honored doll family tradition, everyone was allowed to open one gift.

according to sodapop, joey chose the biggest box and inside was one of kathleen's famous IOUs for a new tattoo. so, at around midnight, after several hot toddies, kathleen, sodapop and jimmy dragged joey down to the only tattoo shop open in arcadia on a snowy christmas eve....only to promptly call in their private tattoo artist LOL.

no one touches the doll!

joey beats doll fan after touching kathleen's baby belly; throws them in riot house pool

kathleen and joey were enjoying a typical friday date night - dinner, movie and an assault - when the pair had headlock make a detour and head to the riot house, located in downtown arcadia. she poked her head around the property and was chatting up some guests in the gardens, when a townie thought it would be a wise idea to rub the doll's belly like she was the second coming of buddha or something!

although classy kat giggled and nonchalantly changed the subject, joey wasted no time. he snapped and asked the man WTF he thought he was doing. two nanoseconds later, that man was floating unconscious in the garden pool. when the couple were questioned by riot house security, joey said, "nobody touches my baby," and that kathleen wanted to press charges. when security told her that to do so, police needed to be involved, kathleen laughed and said, "this isn't a joke - i'm not just anybody."

come on, arcadian police get medals for helping the doll's cat down from a tree - they were there lickety split to clean up the situation. minutes after their arrival on the scene, the perp was seen being hauled off in handcuffs, in the back of a paddywagon.

doll goes back to the future

reactivates pager from 1998

instead of her usual three cell phones - one for business, one for international interviews and one personal - that would be floating around the doll's person, she has traded them for a purple glitter pager. her reason? she said that technology was "pissing her off." sounds more like pregnancy hormones.

instead of a laptop, kathleen has always handwritten her work and paid someone to transfer over to a computer. a typewriter is probably even too advanced for her and would appear like a robot toy from another planet.

sodapop says that his sister warns everyone to be wary of technology and constantly alludes to fahrenheit 451. he says that people find this very annoying and some have refused to do business with her because she is "hard to reach".

well now, thanks to the addition of that purple pager, she will be even more difficult to get in touch with.

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

she's in the building and she's feelin' herself

hans von holzy paints sexy pic of doll, gives her mix tape

argosy may be the star of shady lake, but the beautiful one was definitely the star of the show on the set today! it's not even her birthday yet and southern gent hans von holzy haus presented her with a giant canvas of a hand painted, nude doll and a weird, 90s cassette mix tape that he probably found in a box in his parents' attic somewhere. nothing says "i want your bod" like a mix tape does!

now i am 100% sure that all of those magic crystals are increasing the doll's witch powers and holzy haus is just under the influence of a magic love spell. if not magic spell, maybe magic mushroom? poor hans never saw it coming! but you know baby babble did, because she has a crystal ball that can see the future LOL.

kathleen falls fast asleep during important conference call

back in the day, the doll would have waltzed into an important meeting with white powder falling out of her nose, no bra on and she would have thought it was tuesday when it was really friday. but these days she has really been on point, which is why have no theory as to why she passed out today during a phone call with all the movers and shakers of shady lake.

tired from being pregnant?

it's a shame she didn't know hans von holzhausen was on the other end! i'm sure she would have found it within herself to stay awake.

the call wasn't really super important, though, it was to talk about filming locations, schedules and the million dollar brat's notorious rider. no wonder! sounds like a snoozefest. zzzzzzzzz

doll has a crush

shady lake will begin filming after the holidays. argosy burns, daughter of hep parade magazine boss, will be the lead and the newcomer, southern gentleman hans von holzhausen has been named director. johnny kiss was named producer ages ago, and it's probably just because the doll has a crush on him too!

and ever since he was named director, kathleen has been spending an awful lot of time on the movie set. no, i don't think it's because she wants a producer's credit - she has a crush on cutie pie holzhausen!

and no, this isn't just a hunch, sodapop cola told reporters that his sister goes gaga for hans and gets all giddy at the mere mention of long ass WWII name!

while on set, the beautiful one takes it upon herself to get his coffee every morning and conveniently leaves out everyone else. one day she even forgot baby daddy joey! LOL, go figure!

speaking of joey, he is reportedly super jealous and makes it a point to 'drop by' the set alllll the time. probably checking to see if the doll is staying faithful which i am almost 100% sure she isn't. come on joey! this isn't her first ride on the cheating merry-go-round! she at least knows to get a telly.

happy halloween!

break out the candy and champagne! the kisses have good news!

no, she isn't pregnant with the great pumpkin, kathleen announced tonight that she is nearing her first month of pregnancy, with the baby due in late july. she said, "i feel like it's a baby boy, this time - i'd love a little libra, but a healthy little gemini or cancer will be just as nice." i think she can stop getting her palms read and playing with tarot cards now...

baby babble broke the baby news on her way out of her 1999 lisbon drive home and to her annual riot house costume party. she was dressed as a vintage playboy bunny and joey was dressed as himself. just kidding - he was supposed to be jim morrison, lead singer of the 60s rock group, the doors, but the jokes on him! those leather pants and that concho indian belt were from his personal 'i'm a rockstar" collection and he knows it!

now, i wouldn't be surprised if he dresses like a drunk 60s rock shaman all the time now - the doll was caressing him up and down and all around the dance floor the whole night! it must be all those hormones from being knocked up. she is extra horny and doesn't give a damn who knows it! even if it is for one of the slimy, garbage pail kiss brothers - i still commend her. get it girl! you work too hard to not sexpress yourself!

doll watches twilight zone episode, gets scared, dials 911

sleeps with murder weap by bed

joey kiss better hurry up and finish his (excuse for a heroin bender)  scouting for shady lake, because the doll won't last much longer! she is still alone in arcadia at the kiss cradle and she is beginning to crack. she phoned police at 3 AM after hearing scary noises while watching an equally as scary episode of the twilight zone. you can blame it on the witching hour or she was probably high off her face on cocaine, but the story still remains the same.

kathleen told police that she can't stand being away from joey and gets scared easily - she sleeps with the light on and with a shotgun next to the bed. gulp, a shotgun? that sounds like an accident waiting to happen. i hope joey is aware of this.

in his defense, he tried to say that the doll has a super duper magical unicorn security gate that will protect her from all the weirdos of the world…..

just kidding! it’s 2013 and no one is safe from anything anymore. it's no wonder she's got some firepower at arm's reach - lest we forget she was brutally attacked in arcadia! a security gate doesn't mean shit anymore. if this was a test to prove that he can take care of the doll, he just flunked big time.

has the doll lost her razor sharp edge?

goes from XXX to ZZZ... 

word around the campfire is kathleen has been complaining to friends that, ever since joey tried to off himself, the two haven't been intimate. this cannot be true! the doll is a sexual minx whose magical beauty could bring even a blind man to seeing! what is wrong with this joey guy? this is totally joey's fault because he has the charisma of nosferatu. just kidding, even nosferatu has game.

she claimed that it's been "months" and that she's worried joey is cheating, because he barely even kisses her anymore! lame. sad. this sucks for him because i know at least four guys (jimmy, beau, maynard and loyal) who would be more than happy to assist the doll in her frustrations. don't worry beautiful brat! you still got that fire! if joey can't see it, at least you still have one more kiss brother left!

and of course this all comes after jimmy went around running his mouth about how he and the doll pretty much got A+ in sexual chemistry class back in the day. gross. no wonder joey is slacking when it comes to laying the doll's pipe - he's probably super duper creeped out!

the doll doesn't want to talk about babies or suicide

goes on TV to let everyone know

the doll was on a popular grimaldi news programme this afternoon to talk about shady lake. now, the channel might as well have said it was a tell-all interview about joey's suicide and her miscarriage, because the host had a barrage of questions that were 100% off-topic. the interview went something like this:

host: so, kathleen, how's it been going? kathleen: been writing a lot for the upcoming movie, shady lake
host: what has this experience been like?
kathleen: next question.
host: but a lot of people found your miscarriage unbelievably tragic...what did you think about it?
kathleen: you have to be kidding me.
host: and then to have joey, your fiancé, nearly commit suicide. what do you hope the future to hold for you two?
kathleen: *laughs* i can't believe i was dumb enough to book this show.
host: do you still love him?
kathleen: i love him enough for the both of us.

once outside the studio, she bitched and moaned about the interview and said she would put a spell on the host. just kidding! she said she would use her ouija board to communicate with ghostly spirits to haunt the host.

 

the underworld, and worldwide, and the wide world of underground still remember freak fest

it was one year ago today that the doll waltzed out on a monticello stage with nothing but an american flag draped over her body...thus, inciting thousands to riot in the middle of nowhere. LOL, i know it sounds like a blast right now, but at the time the doll was in some hot, hot, boiling hot water! R.I.P. to all the sweet concert tees lost in the bonfires created by rioting fans; a shouts out to all the naked girls and all the horny guys; and lastly, a big ups to the doll. because with her, we would never have had a reason to drain our bank accounts and travel all the way out to bumfuck monticello for a gathering of freaks. oh, and i completely forgot to mention all the drugs. and not just the one in the doll's system.

i hope your tats don't run!

love tats for kat and joey

both kisses cemented their love for each other today with a sentimental tattoo of a simple heart with an arrow going through it. kathleen chose hers to be in purple and joey opted for turquoise. in other doll news, the two want to spend the summer on the isle of grimaldi, and are trying to get back ASAP. that is, after joey gets arrested again! just kidding, he's staying there for the vitamin D. hopefully it'll cure him from trying to off himself. kathleen is attached to his hip like always, smoking foilies out of seashells and communicating in a language only mermaids understand.

you can STFU anytime, sodapop!

loose lips sink ships

kathleen's pinch-hitter publicist, brother and all around loudmouth sodapop cola has really outdone himself this time. in between his ultra demanding and high-paced schedule of taking wingnut on walks around the neighborhood and snooping in the doll's diary for possible press material, soda has signed a deal for a tell-all book about his sister. i only have three things to say about this:

1.) soda loves to blab about everyone's personal life, so this really comes as no surprise.....what surprises me is that it's not a how-to manual on diming your famous siblings out for a living!
2.) you'd have to be a class A moron to write a tell-all about the one person who puts a roof over your head 
3.) you know that there's a totally a ghostwrite for his book......and his name is jimmy kiss

after sodapop finished dishing to reporters about his deal, he then switched gears to joey kiss' trouble with the law. he told the fence that if the kisses ever return from grimaldi, joey faces several court dates and a possible stint in the big house. then again, you know how the arcadian judicial system works when it comes to matters involving the doll - joey will be out in minutes for good behavior. in other doll news, it's good to have her back in the public eye, because i missed her scrawny ass. seriously. santa claus answered my prayers early this year with "green for the money; gold for the honey." it also gave us an introduction to baby babble's chef, shuggie bo bellski. shuggie pretty much sounds like a funky pimp from harlem in the 1970s, so he must be the perfect fit to the doll's team. besides, anyone who can get along with the bitch of all bitches - headlock - is immediately hired on, so shuggie didn't really have a choice as it is.

kathleen : "i've done worse things to better men"

doll fan learns about wild honeypie's wild right hook in mulholland

baby babble's tour to support ☺ was brought to an abrupt halt tonight during a reading at the hangover house in downtown mulholland. the story is still being pieced together; apparently the doll was in mid-sentence when she locked in on a member of the audience, clad in a tee-shirt that read 'kiss should be dead.'
she addressed the man and asked him to come forward - which he stupidly did - and then she told him to fork over the offensive shirt on the double. the man shook his head no, so the doll wasted no time in launching into the sea of unfamiliar faces and, with the help of her more than willing fan army, ripped the shirt from his body. and then she proceeded to beat him senseless. the doll broke his nose, two fingers and a rip before security guards could pull her away.
in response to the baby frenzy that has followed this story, kathleen responded, "he was asking for it....besides i've done worse things to better men."
the doll's camp responded, "no comment."
sodapop responded, "by crossing my heart and hoping to die, i don't know what the hell you're talking about."
hep parade announced today that they are cancelling the remaining six dates and bringing the ☺ tour to a close, to allow kathleen to focus on joey. more like they don't want her to focus her fists on anymore innocent civilians! LOL, good luck.

pretty people club handboook is released

☺ hits bookshelves everywhere

the heartless group of rich and sheltered suits that sign the doll's paychecks are surely going to have a long afterlife in the 9th circle of hell - just 10 days after kathleen's true love, joey kiss, was discovered half-dead in cielo, the doll's book has been released and she's been thrown on a press tour!

the tour kicked off with a luncheon, a reading at a popular bookstore in downtown arcadia and then took a trip down memory lane and answered some questions from fans. and, you guessed it, the doll bombed.

now, let's give her bony ass some credit - it's her first time in the media since joey tried to end it all and the questions she was given were less than second-rate. plus, if you add a little bit of cocaine in the mix you're going to get one classic doll fanmail column released 'round the world:

Q:Is it true you tried to kill Joey Kiss?
A: that sounds like a loaded question
Q: Are you going to try and kill yourself now?
A: DON'T U KNO WHO I AM???? you can't ask those kind of questions. i can have you fired for that type of shit.
Q: Joey : Heroin :: Doll : __________?
A: GO$$IP
Q:I don't get it - your fiancé just tried to kill himself....why are you going on tour?
A: well, i'm here to make $$$$$$$$$$ and the bottom line is - the man is going to try and take advantage of you if you're underground and they'll take advantage of you if you're signed to a major label. the more money i make, the more the people like you leave me alone.
Q: Would you miss him?
A: every minute of every day
Q:Who is ☺ dedicated to?
A: LUCIFER + WINGNUT + LUXY
Q: How much money do you make per year?
A: a boatload - 2 MUCH 2 COUNT
Q:I just saw HEP! and DIG! for the first time and my favorite part is you dancing to the credits - is this candid or was it scripted?
A: I GO HAM - always candid. but the director did have to warm me up to the idea...he was telling me shit like, "remember me from the freak fest? i was one of the roadies!" and "yo, i can't stand that beau fool!"
Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: HELL
Q: Are you planning on staying with Joey, or are you going to get back with one of your exes? Beau? Loyal? Maynard? Jimmy?
A: you can't believe everything you see and hear, now can you? i feel like joey'd want me to tell you all to go fuck yourselves.

the best part of the story is that the doll's backers are going to hire a tour manager - and, nope, it's not headlock - to wrangle kathleen. in an interview with the fence, the tour manager said that the doll is a "hothead" and seems like it will be a "struggle" to get her through the tour in one piece. the tour manager swears that the doll is on drugs and a good night for her consists of a million foilies. taking off all her clothes, running in circles around the stage, talking to herself and stage-diving. diva!

in other doll news, joey kiss is out of the hospital and currently under close suicide watch at the couple's lisbon drive home.

2 many pills!

joey kiss overdoses

and no, this is not an april fools' joke. it's no secret that kat happens to be attracted to loser males with an addiction to more than just kissing her sweet lips; and joey kiss is no exception to the rule. he demonstrated this flawlessly last night after being rushed to hospital, unconscious from an apparent overdose of narcotics. the doll was by his side the entire time and even spent the night in the hospital with him. she refused to speak to not only reporters, but the police as well and urged the arcadian people to leave them the hell alone. her request was not honored.
kathleen's camp dropped the curtain on the story by releasing this official statement: "..........he just took too many pills." LOL. too many pills? what an understatement! those publicists deserve the #1 spot in the super duper storystrechers of earth's all time history library-museum and hall of fame.

cop-caller beau badman calls cops

beau is at it again!

it seemed like the start of any normal day in beau badman's life - he woke up at his local traphouse around noon, put on his rattiest trilby and headed down to the nearest corner to begin his day of tricking for the flashers. beau wasted no time and began talking their ears off; he filled reporters' heads with nonsense about everything: from the doll's miscarriage of baby lux his own homemade allegations that joey kiss is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin seed eater. beau confirmed that the night of the alleged "accident," he witnessed the two kisses getting high as a kite on heroin. yeah, right, beau!

and kathleen was the first to call him out. even though she's sworn off all contact with the papers, not more than 20 minutes later, kathleen was on the phone with the local television network and confirmed that beau is stoned off his ass on crack. the doll said that he is still bitter from their breakup a zillion years ago and that she and joey should "teach him a lesson he'll never forget."

beau immediately took that as a threat and walked his happy ass to the arcadian police station to file a report against her! he told cops that kathleen loves to harass him and her statements on television are a prime example of this. officers surely must have been dipping into beau's secret stash, because they filed the report!
in the end, the doll's lawyer - judah fussganger - laughed away the report. judah said - much to no one's surprise - that beau is crazy to think he has a case and that he doubts police will even go so far as to question the beautiful one.

and even though beau badman can now consider himself #1 on the kisses' shitlist,  they're really gunning for the fence. after the "oh, baby, baby, baby" article in the doll's own pretty people club magazine, the two kisses have sworn off all contact with reporters. the journo behind the article referred to joey as a "heroin junkie" and implied that the two would be shitty parents. oh hell to the no! i'm on the doll's team all the way - beau badman may be an asshole for life, but the press should give babygirl some respect in her dark days. team doll!

#1 wedding in this solar system postponed

i forsee joey leaving the doll in 5.....4.....3.....2....

joey kiss must be high on heroin like the papers report, because he has put the date of his wedding with doll on the backburner until further notice! his camp reports that with the success of L3 M30W, joey has asked to return to the studio with the lost boys to cut another album. nowhere in joey's obviously prepared press statement did it mention any word of the death of baby lux.

the beautiful one's camp, however, released their own statement and in it pleaded with the public and the media to give kathleen some goddamn peace in the wake of such a loss. it also said that she loves joey more than the navy has sailors and the two will still be getting hitched....in their own good time. still, i'm not buying that bullshit! 'in their own good time' is just dollspeak for : the wedding will have to take place on the rings of planet saturn, because kathleen and joey are already broken up!

p.s. and it only adds to the sad irony that is the doll's life when on the same day it is made known that her wedding date has been postponed, her fiancé goes and gets a fugly, weird tattoo of a naked bride.....

lost boys return to arcadia

the lost boys' tour to support L3 M30W wrapped last night at the riot house in arcadia; pregnant kathleen, who was proudly sporting her tummy and grinning from ear to ear, introduced the band and even sang a couple of songs with them.

before the show, the doll held an impromptu champagne toast at the arcadian il coyote country club - also known as 'the dago dive.' the country club and baby babble have a sketchy past, only know they really aren't feeling her. see, the kisses made reservations for seven for the early evening and then showed up at half-ten, a busy hour for the club during the weekends. the hostess still made a point to seat them quickly. now, i'm a little fuzzy on the events myself, but at some point, the shit went down and before staff could tell the group to kick rocks, the kisses were at each others' throats! i'm not kidding - it took three bouncers to peel the two off of one another. obviously, police were the first to be dialed and before the station could pick up - the doll's pregnant ass was long gone down the street!

the official police report states that there is over three thousand dollars worth of damage on locale and claims to be 'heavily' pursuing the beautiful one. yeah, right! pigs will pursue the doll on the 9th of never!