is the doll pregnant with jimmy's baby?

yes, you hear me right - jimmy, not fiancé joey, could be the father?! say it ain't so!

rumors are flying around arcadia, cielo, grimaldi and monticello that several months ago, jimmy and kat were spotted together and like it was 2009 all over again; and now she's pregnant! honestly, i could see it - kat has always made a spot in her black heart for jimmy kiss, and those two get on like a house on fire...

regardless, i think joey is destined to have his heart broken by the one and only doll. the sooner he realizes, the better.

it's just funny, because i would have thought von holzy was the baby daddy! with how close those two are becoming, it's only a matter of time before pictures of them kissing in a hidden arcadian glade pop up.

long story short, the doll is a shameless flirt and will never change. if you're a guy, steer clear and if you're a woman, lock up your brothers, husbands and/or sons!

the beautiful one has spanish influenza

dr. kiss reports for duty!

she'll share a pipe with just about anybody, so it comes as no surprise that the doll is sick! paramedics were seen outside of lisbon drive today and headlock told reporters that kathleen has and will be laid up until further notice.
no, sadly, she isn't pregnant! headlock said doctors diagnosed her with influenza, probably from those nasty tourists on the isle of 8 balls grimaldi : where people don't wear shoes or underwear.
the funny thing is, joey kiss is the worst doctor and is totally sleeping on the floor tonight or in the doghouse or on a couch in headlock's shack. one of the three. headlock told reporters that kathleen demanded he call paramedics because he wouldn't even take her temperature! joey is so paranoid she is going to get him sick that he won't even be in the same room as the poor doll.
dumb joey! it's just the flu! don't be such a pussy!

shabbat dinner for mama doll

happy birthday mama doll! if it weren't for your daughter, you wouldn't look a day over 22 and i mean it! it's just such a shame that girl discovered blow all those years ago. or should i say blow discovered her....

anyways, shixsa kathleen and joey hosted a super special shabbat dinner party in honor of her very own mother. she even flew her out special on her private jet, the crippler, and gave ludo ludovic and sodapop the shit jobs of accompanying her. on the way, they picked up mama kiss and, for whatever reason, jimmy kiss as well. the two moms are quite friendly and are photographed regularly without their famous children. and no, i know what you're thinking - they weren't heading into a police station to bail them out! the two generally meet for dinner several times a month and have also been seen shopping together. OMG, i just had a thought : what if they're lezzy lesbians? imagine that!

as predicted, jimmy the wet mop was there and was being a sourpuss the entire night. sodapop told the flashers, over a cigarette before cutting the birthday cake, that jimmy wouldn't even sit at the dinner table - he sat in the living room the entire time, watching a baseball game! what a dick.

nothing else really cool to report, other than eldest kiss brother johnny was in attendance and when he strolled into the dinner, the doll probably pictured herself dumping joey for a hot minute and running off into the sunset with johnny. 2 brothers down, doll, 1 to go....

the doll doesn't want to talk about babies or suicide

goes on TV to let everyone know

the doll was on a popular grimaldi news programme this afternoon to talk about shady lake. now, the channel might as well have said it was a tell-all interview about joey's suicide and her miscarriage, because the host had a barrage of questions that were 100% off-topic. the interview went something like this:

host: so, kathleen, how's it been going? kathleen: been writing a lot for the upcoming movie, shady lake
host: what has this experience been like?
kathleen: next question.
host: but a lot of people found your miscarriage unbelievably tragic...what did you think about it?
kathleen: you have to be kidding me.
host: and then to have joey, your fiancé, nearly commit suicide. what do you hope the future to hold for you two?
kathleen: *laughs* i can't believe i was dumb enough to book this show.
host: do you still love him?
kathleen: i love him enough for the both of us.

once outside the studio, she bitched and moaned about the interview and said she would put a spell on the host. just kidding! she said she would use her ouija board to communicate with ghostly spirits to haunt the host.

 

lights, camera, action!

the doll to write screenplay for shady lake

kathleen is such a diva, she can do business anywhere she pleases - from her office at home, to a yacht, to the shores of a private beach, to a disco on another, fancier yacht. today, she signed a deal from argosy's family mansion on the isle of grimaldi for a motion picture, to be called shady lake .

not much is known about the plot yet, but apparently shady lake is based off of a scary story kathleen wrote when she was in 4th grade. obviously it will be revamped for today's audiences. argosy is in talks to star and the doll is currently looking for a male lead and a director. the film will follow a young girl, named coco rodriguez, and her boyfriend as they go camping on shady lake. unbeknownst to them, a psycho killer is on the loose, on foot, and on the way to shady lake!! i bet it will be similar to any great 90s slasher horror movie.

can't wait, sounds like it'll be a scream.

joey kiss is a video ho

stars in lost boys' latest video

and by all means, the doll is a video ho as well. the lost boys' latest video, "nancy is a heartbreaker," stars the two as themselves. in the first scene, the doll and her beau are engaged in one of their usual knock down and drag out crackhead fights, when the doll throws her famous locket with joey's picture inside right at his face! thus, making her the heartbreaker...

cut to the second scene - joey is walking, and no, not to the pawn shop to get some money for that locket in the last scene - joey is walking home, to change and head out for a night with the lost boys. he throws on a ratty white tee shirt, some tight black pants and a nasty, disease-infested leather jacket. the boys are dressed similarly. the video cues to a shot of downtown grimaldi. the sun is setting between buildings. clips of the night are playing : joey wilding out, breaking beer bottles in the street, doing whippets, hanging with gang members, skateboarding with other punks, greasing his hair back, dancing his skinny booty off, robbing people, flipping off the camera, air-boxing, smoking blunts, playing grab-ass.........you get the picture. cut to end scene : joey stumbles into some kind of random hotel party and immediately eyes the doll in a corner. as he makes his way over to her, he begins stripping and the video ends with the two making out and rolling around in a bathroom. ICK NAST.

firstly, who would want to roll around with greasy joey kiss, let alone on the floor of some gross hotel party? make better choices doll! otherwise, kathleen was born to play the role of the heartbreaker. i was just wondering why my boy shuggie didn't make his big screen debut! with a stage name like shuggie bo bellski, he is bound for stardom. trust.

i hope your tats don't run!

love tats for kat and joey

both kisses cemented their love for each other today with a sentimental tattoo of a simple heart with an arrow going through it. kathleen chose hers to be in purple and joey opted for turquoise. in other doll news, the two want to spend the summer on the isle of grimaldi, and are trying to get back ASAP. that is, after joey gets arrested again! just kidding, he's staying there for the vitamin D. hopefully it'll cure him from trying to off himself. kathleen is attached to his hip like always, smoking foilies out of seashells and communicating in a language only mermaids understand.

you can STFU anytime, sodapop!

loose lips sink ships

kathleen's pinch-hitter publicist, brother and all around loudmouth sodapop cola has really outdone himself this time. in between his ultra demanding and high-paced schedule of taking wingnut on walks around the neighborhood and snooping in the doll's diary for possible press material, soda has signed a deal for a tell-all book about his sister. i only have three things to say about this:

1.) soda loves to blab about everyone's personal life, so this really comes as no surprise.....what surprises me is that it's not a how-to manual on diming your famous siblings out for a living!
2.) you'd have to be a class A moron to write a tell-all about the one person who puts a roof over your head 
3.) you know that there's a totally a ghostwrite for his book......and his name is jimmy kiss

after sodapop finished dishing to reporters about his deal, he then switched gears to joey kiss' trouble with the law. he told the fence that if the kisses ever return from grimaldi, joey faces several court dates and a possible stint in the big house. then again, you know how the arcadian judicial system works when it comes to matters involving the doll - joey will be out in minutes for good behavior. in other doll news, it's good to have her back in the public eye, because i missed her scrawny ass. seriously. santa claus answered my prayers early this year with "green for the money; gold for the honey." it also gave us an introduction to baby babble's chef, shuggie bo bellski. shuggie pretty much sounds like a funky pimp from harlem in the 1970s, so he must be the perfect fit to the doll's team. besides, anyone who can get along with the bitch of all bitches - headlock - is immediately hired on, so shuggie didn't really have a choice as it is.

the world's #1 couple goes to the isle of 8-balls

running around the globe promoting your bestselling book and trying to commit suicide are super tiring activities, so the kisses have decided to take a vacation. they're spending the week on the isle of grimaldi, in the birdcage neighborhood - an area known for it's constant playing of disco music, high occupancy of only the best, extra-fruity homosexuals and widespread usage of club drugs. basically, it's the party that never stops.

kathleen talked argosy, daughter of sammy 'third degree' burns (who owns hep parade ), into opening the doors to her family mansion - today, the doll told papers that she "would never leave," and that argosy made, "a huge tactical error" in giving her the master set of keys.

baby babble then told the fence that she is due back in the office on monday, but has already phoned in sick in advance. yeah, she's sick alright - sick of working! she ended the conversation with reporters by assuring she was not joking.

in other doll news, she has officially changed her address from 1999 lisbon lane, easy street hills of arcadia to big mansion down the street from a bunch of drag clubs, isle of grimaldi

.

the albion beauty bar is open to sauce

the world's #1 cutest couple and their fleet were called to cielo last night, to celebrate the opening of the albion beauty bar located at the foot of the primrose canyon. now, the two probably had better things to do - like drugs - but were in attendance because kathleen co-owns the joint, alongside mate argosy burns.

now, speaking of co-owners, argosy's father sammy 'third degree' burns (who heads hep parade) recently invested in pretty people club. sammy once again co-owns part of the doll's soul! does this mean he will be overseeing the production of baby babble's next book, 💘. sammy might also be somewhat in control of the beautiful one's own pretty people club magazine, so you know what that means.....more fanmail.

and more fanmail means the walls of the beauty bar won't be bare - kathleen was put in charge of design and chose to use old tabloid articles, fanmail columns and personal photos as wallpaper. trotsky, ludo ludovic, the lost boys, jimmy and joey kiss, as well as countless others dot the walls; HEP! and DIG! play endlessly on the television screens throughout the bar.

in other doll news, the kisses are planning a trip to the isle of grimaldi soon. the beautiful one thought it would be a good idea for joey to get away from the spotlight for a while. plus grimaldi has some pretty good blow, if you know what i mean!

doll does beach

the young couple sees sun, fun and guns on their vacation in grimaldi - soon after news that the two were arriving on the isle yesterday, the local airport was swarmed with fans and police were soon called in as a security measure. the kisses were actually held by grimaldi on the plane until the scene could be calmed down - it took thirty minutes, two smoke bombs and several scary guards with looks on their faces that made it crystal clear they meant business. the guards, toting rifles, ushered the pregnant beautiful one and her fiancé off of the plane, into the airport and then out a side entrance to a waiting town car.

after gracing grimaldi's prom yesterday, the two have taken to holing up in a private island cabin, the two - plus one ludo ludovic and wingnut - plan to spend the weekend relaxing peacefully and going over arrangements for the shotgun wedding of the century. though, don't expect to see kathleen purchasing a permanent property on the isle anytime soon; wild honeypie thinks the party city is about as fun as one of the lost boy's motorcycle boots to the head. she bitched, "the only thing to do out here is get into trouble and i can do that at home." she also added, "the people of grimaldi are a nightmare too - if i wanted to be treated like shit, i would have stayed with beau goodman." LOL! she's not fooling, either.

the kisses go to the prom

the king of queen of all that is wild and witchy do ball for grimaldi's debutantes

for an eye-roll worthy event styled after a high school prom - i know, the doll was probably so psyched - that kathleen and joey ended up traveling all the way to the isle of grimaldi to attend, it was worth it in the end - arcadia's #1 couple were chosen as prom king and queen!

the shindig was pretty much a debutante's ball for the young and underground artists of grimaldi to get their names in the industry; though the who's who of the entire galaxy was involved. speeches were made, toasts were given, awards were doled out and sammy "third degree" burns - owner of hep parade  magazine and former employer of wild honeypie -was honored as a patron of the arts; but all eyes were on the kisses as they entered the scene forty-five minutes late, only to interrupt biggles von biba - bassist for band, the flowers of evil - mid-sentence.

in her defense, i will say that not doing cocaine anymore has definitely given her more time to focus on her true calling : getting under people's skin. taking her sweet time to find her seat, kathleen managed to displease a handful of audience members in record time - at one point, someone even yelled at her to 'go home!' that comment must have gone over her head, though, because i was left speechless when she didn't summon her loyal demons from the blazes of limbo to cut the guilty party's tongue out.

the doll spent her first leg of the night making small talk with other guests at and around her table - which included fellow arcadians rocko j. nasty and rudy rubideaux - before she progressed closer and closer towards the stage. what happened next surely could not be avoided, as baby babble beset the stage and snatched the microphone away. she used her outside voice to say, "i deserve every award there is - i am the doll! i say this because i am the one who makes the money, who puts words on paper; i am a god, i have a great lawyer and more beautiful than any of you!" and then dedicated the moment to trotsky; after waving to the cameras, she joked, "hi, trots - i hope they have TVs in hell!"

the kisses wrapped their tour of the ball by accepting the coveted title of best new artist - known exclusively as the prom king or queen award in the business - and the doll won by a landslide. kathleen and joey graced that stage and baby babble, living up to her nickname, commanded the podium for a lot longer than she should have. i was half expecting the producers to cut the feed for the microphone and dub music over the doll's prattle; but, right when she was about to lose me, she folded up her collapsible soapbox and brought the crowd down - she earned a standing ovation with, "i want to dedicate being queen of the prom to the best gal pal i've ever had - trotsky. he's probably kicking himself in heaven that he's not here to wear my crown and sash for me." that was really sweet of her - i'm sure to counteract such a phenomenon, grimaldi's prom queen did something really mean after walking offstage.

cool answers for your square questions

the kisses cut the bullshit

the doll's fanmail column for hep parade hasn't even been dead long enough to attract worms, yet she's already back at it! why? who the hell gives that much of a shit about kathleen to keep such a crappy crapola column running? i would rather read the phonebook than any more fanmail!

just in time to dispel rumors that the two are having issues, the pretty people club magazine directed fans to write the kisses with questions regarding their relationship, engagement and baby. the couple answered individually and it's a hoot...............but this shit had better not become a regular thing again!

Q: Which would you rather have - a girl or a boy?
doll: a healthy baby
joey: a healthy baby
Q: What happened on your first date?
doll: 8-BALL
joey: doll got a nosebleed
Q: Is Jimmy Kiss as big of a 'wet mop' about your relationship as the tabloids make him out to be?
doll: BIGGER - i almost had to fork over my letterman's jacket to that creep
joey: it hasn't been a walk in the park, but i think he's gotten over himself by now
Q: Who are you considering for the godparents?
doll: DUH - the hell boys; headlock is a close second, though
joey: i want headlock as the godfather so that he can teach our kid how to drink hard booze with no chasers
Q: Are you going to let your child enter show business?
doll: ROFL @ SHOW BUSINESS - i work at the biggest whorehouse in arcadia let's cut the shit
joey: um, it'd be kind of hard not to - unless we relocated to outer space.......
Q: Is there anything from your pasts that you are afraid will come back to haunt you once Kathleen has given birth?
doll: yes - his name is beau goodman
joey: no, i am the ghost - i know everyone, but they don't know me
Q: Doll, are you sad that you can't drink or do drugs anymore?
doll: says who? i still drink and do drugs - now i just share with my baby
joey: the doll doesn't get sad - she always gets what she wants
Q: There are rumors floating around Arcadia that the two of you, namely Joey, are doing drugs - isn't the life of your baby be more important than getting high? Or do you both want to go to jail?
doll: you wanna know what jail is like? go to your local high school, find a janitor's closet and lock yourself inside for a week
joey: jail is for ugly people
Q: This is for Kathleen : you seem to be drawn to hep cities, like Cielo and Grimaldi and Arcadia - what attracts you to these locales?
doll: the vibes, the vibes, the vibes
joey: she's drawn to the city, i'm drawn to her
Q: In magazine articles, you two come off as being very intimate - yet it seems you are constantly surrounded by an excess of people; will that change once the baby is born?
doll: UM YA - HEADLOCK WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER
joey: seriously - i'm scared that some night i'll go to the crib and discover that our baby missing, only to find him in the garage with headlock......drinking hooch and listening to baseball games
Q: Who will be in your wedding party?
doll: sodapop is going to be the flower girl, ludo will be my maid of honor - the lost boys are over the moon to be my bridesmaids in black. P.S. headlock informed me that he would be officiating the ceremony, whether we like it or not
joey: jimmy has consented to be my best man; johnny wants to be the ring bearer
Q: You've hardly talked about Jimmy's reaction to when you both began to date - how did he actually take it?
doll: cried, screamed, bummed a ciggie off of me, cried some more, got drunk, fell down, squeezed out a few more tears, fell asleep on the street, woke up a policeman giving him a mean hairy eyeball and then stumbled back to joey and i; from there, he bummed a few more ciggies, we gave him some blow, he took a shower, calmed the fuck down and apologized. subsequently, he was asked to leave.
joey: with respect to my older brother, jimmy took it like an airplane crash
Q: Did Jimmy really ask for his letterman's jacket back?
doll: ....................................LOL
joey: LOL....................................
Q: For your child's future, what is your biggest fear?
doll: I'M SCARED MY BABY WILL TURN OUT 2 BE A L7
joey: i don't want my kid stepping foot in the riot house - its reputation of being the kind of place a mother wouldn't want their child going precedes the joint enough for me
Q: What's the first thing that you're going to do once the baby is born?
doll: i'm going to walk into the riot house and check into a room, no, a bungalow under a fake name - like harmonishka - from there, i will page my drug dealer score some blow. then, off of a framed picture, stolen right from the riot house walls, i will rail a line as long as the mississippi. all while the baby is watching, of course.
joey: i'm going to watch the doll do all of that
Q: Be honest - would you let Jimmy babysit?
doll: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL i would rather be strung by my thumbs and have my eyeballs dug out with an ice-cream scooper!
joey: um, would you?

okay, whoever sent in that last question deserves to be sainted; and - i'm talking to kathleen here - she deserves sainthood as well for her angelic response. uncle jimmy is going to be, hands down, the worst uncle in the history of uncles! sodapop will be the runner-up, but jimmy has him beat with a clean sweep.