there is a saying in the music industry that just because one has the means to record doesn't mean that they should; as the money continues to roll in to his easy street hills home, joey kiss shows that he is not one of these people.
very little is known about joey kiss. his older brother, jimmy, has been in the public eye for most of his life - jimmy dated kathleen for a handful of years – and yet details about the kisses are sparse, leading many reporters to believe that the family dislike the press. stories of jimmy and joey torturing the media are legion; however, within seconds of arriving at 1999 lisbon drive - otherwise known as 'the kiss cradle' in the newspapers - joey not only introduces himself warmly, but adds, "so - what do you want to know?"
he invites me within the home and directs me to the sitting room, where kathleen is perched atop a stack of pillows on the floor, suspended over a stack of handwritten notes. she looks up and utters quickly, "hi, how are you?" before dropping her head back into a sea of penciled words. she is fenced-in by an array of bibles, of which she cites as research material. "i'm writing about a girl who is god," she explains, brandishing one of her drafts for me to look over. it reads:
and now came to pass the days of the doll when she was very happy. living in the heart of the city, sleeping in a crib, the doll spent most of her days on display. people would walk back and forth like she was an animal at the zoo, eyeballing her through the cradle bars. this all stopped one day when a sailor, on leave, noticed the damsel in distress and freed her. he could tell that she was sick, much sicker than he; so, he said, "the dream of you was like an albatross to me - no, perhaps like a plumbing stone; or maybe a millstone.
upon hearing this, the doll's knees began to shake; as it had been years since another human had spoken to her, let alone profess their love. she took time in delivering a response, as she knew then that nothing she said would secure her loneliness. the doll told the sailor that the two could be one for a spell, and that, "it'd be swell." the sailor began fantasizing of this as she continued, "and then," she breathed, in a voice not much different than that of an angel's, "when the swelling's gone down - your ship, the sea and another bethel will be waiting for you." these were things that the sailor knew, but didn't want to hear. he said neither that nor this : in his dreams, the two were together on the sea.
i hand her the scrap of paper back and she doesn't ask my opinion, yet says, "pretty good shit, right? i know, you don't have to tell me twice - you don't even have to tell me once!" at this time, joey bounds into the room, balancing the lost boys' album L3 M30W in one hand and a tray of tea in the other. "so," kathleen begins for him, "what should we talk about?"
"heroin," joey says quietly, handing her the day's newspaper.
kathleen instantly reprimands him with, "oh, baby - you really shouldn't use such big words."
addressing the 'journos' - or journalists - that the kisses have been rowing publically with, joey said, "just because it's in print doesn't make it true." he continues, "you know, my girl got into writing so that she could tell stories - not be a story in the tabloids. same with me - i want to make music, not talk about it with the fence all day long." he admits that he's tried heroin and will occasionally use the substance, but that he is in no way addicted. "in this business, drugs are thrown at artists day and night. what i am doing is no different than any of your other superstars."
his fiancée says, "i don't want to talk about heroin - or even cocaine for that matter - but i will say this : there isn't one party i've been to where narcotics weren't present. if the fence wants us to be the poster children for dope, then so be it; but i just thought everyone should know."
at this moment, lead lost boy - rocko j. nasty - lopes into the room and takes a seat to join the repartee; before he can get comfortable, though, the telephone sounds and rocko jumps up to answer it. kathleen explains that the boys are currently in the midst of a press junket, but that they are taking a few days off - "this is their first tour, so you know they're bitching and moaning like a bunch of newborns."
joey chimes in, "the label invited me to hit the trail with them, but i knew they'd be a handful - i've informed them that i'd wait until the boys learn the ways of the road before i hop on a sold-out tour with them." he goes on to describe his position with the lost boys - "the initial concept was that i would sit in the studio with them and answer any questions they had; then, the label picked me up and asked me to produce the record. now, i'm talking to the fence for the album while they're on tour."
rocko returns and, upon eavesdropping, states his view on the matter with, "don't make it sound like we answer to you, joey - jolly roger is still our manager and remains on the books - we just put you in front of the cameras because us boys are too stupid to think of anything smart to say." kathleen nods in agreement and rocko carries on, "L3 M30W is disturbing and dirty and, well, you know, really dark stuff. it's the kind of music a mother wouldn't want her kids to listen to and joey has a way of making it sound like spun sugar; so that's why we made him an honorary member." he adds that although joey will be joining the boys for a few gigs on tour, he will be spending most of his time in arcadia with his wife-to-be.
the telephone rings again and, like a shot, rocko is off to answer it; he returns within seconds, running back in the room to have joey take the telephone interview. this occurrence - the constant hassle from the media - is common at any and all doll locations, only this time the calls are not for kathleen; in spite of this, they are for her fiancé, joey. "i'm a total square now," she gripes, "last night sodapop and i stayed up until the late, late hour of ten playing cribbage." her days used to be filled with grandiose parties, exotic destinations and heavy drugs - her days now are spent wrapping ☺, brainstorming wedding arrangements and preparing for her baby.
out of the kitchen, the lost boys begin filing one by one into the sitting room; each boy is packing a platter of food, piled with what they have affectionately dubbed 'a shitkicker's breakfast.' as kathleen's band of punks begin to introduce themselves, kathleen takes the opportunity to eat - she and joey share blueberry pancakes, eggs benedict and a several pieces of toast, complete with a large glass of juice. instead of such a healthy beverage, however, joey has a cup of coffee with irish whiskey; he apologizes at length to his fiancée for drinking it in front of her as she complains, "what a wouldn't give for a swig of whiskey right now." joey reminds her that, in all honesty, she could if she wanted; and kathleen retorts, "i'm being a good girl - no means no, kiss."
"well, i feel that i had this whiskey coming to me," joey says; he smiles and finishes his coffee in one gulp. "i just got off the phone with another journo, trying like the devil to run L3 M30W into the mud."
in obvious agreement, loyal states, "been there, done that - we did a telly interview the other day; the anchor babe got the album name wrong. she called it CAT'S MEOW." additionally, when asked about the music video concept for the cover song "a cowboy needs a horse," loyal continued to toy with the interviewer; announcing that the boys had decided to axe the track - due to funding issues - replacing it with "an indian needs a tomahawk."
rocko laughs, "it was the pits - the kid introduced loyal as joey, me as jolly roger and then brought eddie and freddy out as larry and jerry."
"i'll tell you what - she's just lucky that she was cute , or else i would have given her a harder time," freddy the freeloader, self-proclaimed casanova of the group, chimes in, "the babe asked us how it felt to be considered a boy band. i answered, 'how do you even know that we're males? i mean, no one knows but our personal stylists. we may have dicks, but we also have bellybuttons - so watch it with the boy band shit.'"
loyal nods, "he's not lying, for once - she really did say that."
rocko wraps the discussion with, "by the end of the interview, she had made more mistakes than the navy has sailors, so i couldn't help myself - i had to flip her some shit."
joey laughs, "i've never seen a girl blush so much since, well," he locks a longing gaze on kathleen and talks to kathleen with only the utmost ardor, ending his sentence with, "since i met my doll."
kathleen squeezes him tight and speaks softly, "we have a love as pure as the roses that glow upon the cheeks of little children." she leans to kiss him atop the forehead; joey neither swats her away, embarrassed to be put in such a position in front of company, nor does he look disinterested in such a classic expression - he simply welcomes kathleen's gesture as if it were the first time.
joey begins again, "the boys had completely overwhelmed the poor kid - she ended up confusing their names at the very end rocko said, 'we didn't mean to throw you off or make you nervous, i'm sorry; i know our beauty is like being in a dream."
kathleen barrels over him, "what a crock of shit - the boys wish they were as beautiful as females. you know, they only got signed because an industry scout was at one of their shows when they just so happened to be dressed in drag. the scout was visibly bummed to discover that the skirts were just a classic lost boys' parlor gimmick."
rocko snorts out a laugh, "my mother lent me one of her old dresses for that night."
resultantly, with that comment from rocko, the boys launch into a tirade about their parents and how their various contributions to the band. loyal follows with, "well, my mom still polishes my boots a few times a week."
eddie spaghetti, quite the quiet character, pipes up and declares, "my old man thinks i dress like a punk; still, he likes it, because it doesn't cost an arm and a leg and he's such a cheap bastard himself."
freddy says, "once in a while, my ma will send a box of surprises : condoms, bottles of fancy booze, cookies, cigarettes, pornographic magazines, deodorant and new socks for each lost boy."
at this moment, it is not the telephone that sounds - it is the doorbell. kathleen begins to primp herself for the caller on the other side of the door, when joey slowly pats her leg fondly and treads towards the door, saving her from the tremendous task. joey may do a fantastic job of keeping up with the kiss family reputation of being tough; yet, when it comes to kathleen, he cannot help himself. "i turn into such a shipwreck," he admitted earlier, grinning foolishly, "i'm always trying to think of things to say to her that would be sharp." the kisses, what with their reputation of being an ill-omened pair of dope-addled trust fund babies, are anything but; they appear incredibly close and incredibly in love.
now be that as it may, joey - even as much as kathleen - believes in work before play. still working for the lost boys and still at the door, joey calls rocko over to his assistance; within seconds, rocko's grumpy howl is heard from the foyer, "okay, which asshole decided to book two interviews at once?" like a wave, the lost boys shrug their shoulders up and down and nervously dart their eyes about the room. there is an awkward moment of silence before the guilty being steps forward - kathleen apologizes and complains that she didn't even realize what day it was; she eventually cites headlock as the ultimate blame.
without missing a beat, headlock - her professional watchdog and, at times, surrogate father - pops his head into the room. "well, you can put the kibosh on that second sit-down boys - the nursery's first coat is dry, so you all have chores to do." he sits down and, though the entire room has, in unison, turned a deaf ear, headlock perseveres, "you know, when i got the news about kathleen, i remember thinking, 'oh my god, oh no - you're going to have a baby?'" he lets out a series of short, bearish chuckles and then gives kathleen a heavy slap on the back; headlock continues on and boasts that he is also working with jolly roger on building all the furniture for the baby's room.
joey kids, "she put in a request for a cradle that can safely sit on a treetop's bow."
albeit kathleen and her baby - as well as its handcrafted cradle - are still pending, the fate of L3 M30W, the pet of joey kiss and the lost boys, has been sealed in the stars. with the phone ringing off the hook, journalists tripping over themselves to get an interview and a looming six-week sold-out tour; the money is rolling right in at 1999 lisbon drive and there's no doubt about it - the kisses are the cat's meow.
