merry xmas!

doll friends and family woke up this morning, sat down by the christmas tree and opened presents....just like everybody else. well, everybody but the kiss side of the family, because they already celebrated hanukkah and yawn when the 25th of december comes around.

this year, kathleen went cheap and made joey a scrapbook of ultrasound scans (barf), sodapop a vacation, headlock a new radio to listen to baseball on, shuggie a new set of knives, ludo a raise and promised close-up in shady lake, and the two lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal were promised a follow-up to L3 M30W. the doll even treated herself to the boxset of sci-fi favorite, twilight zone. 

wow, sounds like the only person who was missing a gift - as usual - was jimmy kiss!

kathleen allows joey to open one gift

mama doll, mama kiss, sodapop, kiss brothers jimmy and johnny, ludo ludovic, shuggie bo bellski, joey and kat, lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal, and even maynard g. alberkraut were gathered underneath the doll's christmas tree in arcadia last night to eat, drink and be merry. as part of time honored doll family tradition, everyone was allowed to open one gift.

according to sodapop, joey chose the biggest box and inside was one of kathleen's famous IOUs for a new tattoo. so, at around midnight, after several hot toddies, kathleen, sodapop and jimmy dragged joey down to the only tattoo shop open in arcadia on a snowy christmas eve....only to promptly call in their private tattoo artist LOL.

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

long time gone

"who can find a virtuous wife? for her price is far above rubies...give her the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates"

- proverbs 31:10-31 

the gates outside of kathleen and joey's 1999 lisbon drive home and typically strewn with fanmail, flowers, pictures - but not for the holidays. kathleen takes the holidays very seriously, beginning with halloween, and demands that headlock go around hourly to remove any unwanted graffiti. instead of fanmail, hangs a wreath of cinnamon pine cones; instead of flowers, a string of gourds and pumpkins; instead of photographs, small decorations, like a scary witch on a broom, a black cat with an arched back and a spooky ghost.

as you cross the threshold, you don't feel as if you are in the home of a multi-millionaire celebrity and tabloid darling; you feel like you are in the home of someone you have known a very long time.

"please, darling," kathleen says in a low breathy whisper, "could you please take off your shoes? we just got this brand new flooring and the handyman recommended just stocking feet." after a second, she cocks her head, "but you can always wear joey's house slippers if you don't feel comfortable in socks."

it is nearing eleven on a chilly october night in arcadia. always the night owl, kathleen motions for me to follow her to the kitchen for hot apple cider. she puts her her finger to her lips and shushes me as ludo, her housekeeper, snores away on the sofa.

the twilight zone plays on in the background, rod serling's voice obviously having lulled him to sleep. she grabs a blanket off of a nearby love seat and covers him, then shuts off the TV with the remote, and sets the remote down on a nearby coffee table.

and on this coffee table are only a small collection of trinkets, but nonetheless the perfect selection to describe the kisses: a set of car keys to kathleen's black rolls royce, nicknamed 'the gravedigger'; a citation for marijuana possession made out to lost boy rocko j. nasty, a small bouquet of fresh wildflowers, picked by joey; a large amethyst crystal; a check past dated to 2010 for well over £10,000 from hep parade; a set of tarot cards and a stack of books from the local library including this year's farmers' almanac, the ramayana and bram stoker's dracula. .

joey is dressed in his pajamas - a silk striped set, complete with nearly matching blue argyle socks and a navy blue bathrobe. in his hand is a cup of cider, dressed with a cinnamon stick.

"what an outfit!" kathleen jokes, as joey lifts up his pant leg to reveal that the socks are emblazoned with a playboy bunny. "how boss!" she giggles.

in the background, the wind howls and then the house telephone rings, causing ludo to stir in his sleep. kathleen takes a phone call in another room and joey offers up a tour while i wait. as he breezes past an otherwise unoccupied room, i realize that it would have been the room for their baby, lux zarathustra. the walls, splashed a pretty, pastel pink, now cast dark from the shadows of the house. baby goods, still in their packaging, are piled up in the corners of the room. the crib has a flowered sheet over it. it's as if the two have pressed pause, and are waiting to resume at moment's notice.

when we return to the kitchen, ludo is awake and drinking a cup of hot cider. another familiar noise from the 1960s is recognized - the wolfman jack show. there is a draft in the room, so she puts on a vintage-looking floor-length kimono with a large screen print of king tut on the back. when that doesn't do the trick, she sends joey to light a fire in the next room.

as joey blows out the flame on the lengthy fireplace match, kathleen strikes another off the box to light candles on the mantle. adding to the spooky, halloween adornment, she placed taper candles in old, decorative wine bottles - the wax dripping down for added effect; mini gourds and pumpkins dot the room and atop her bookcase, a human skull. "it's a very eerie feeling to be on a hot, humid, sunny isle one day, feeling like you are on a permanent summer; and then to be back home, lighting fires in your fireplace." she laughs and shakes her head. "i mean, they have trees there - but the leaves never change."

"wasn't it bat masterson's last words something about how everybody gets the same amount of ice - the poor get it in the winter and the rich get it in the summer..." joey trails off, reminiscing.

"but now, these days, i am feeling older and wanting to withdraw more and more from a city centered around partying. i grew up in arcadia, joey grew up in arcadia; our babies will grow up in arcadia."

she goes a little sullen at the mere mention of children and joey fishes in his bath robe pockets for a minute, then produces a lighter and a doobie.

"some things will never change, though," he smiles, "even when we have children.

"you will still be you, i will still be me," he lights up the joint, "and i'm sure the wolfman's voice will still be echoing throughout the halls!"

at this point he stops, holds a finger up to his lips and after a second of silence, the wolfman's shrieking laughter carries in from another room.

kathleen's eyes twinkle in the candlelight and she pats her belly, "and it's been a long time coming."

joey kiss' LP slams into record shops like pure china white

L3 M30W puts the lost boys on the map

i'm beginning to think more and more everyday that jimmy was adopted by the kiss family and is, in fact, the son of satan - but joey made me sure of it this week when his work with the lost boys, L3 M30W hit #1 on the arcadian music charts and hasn't left the top spot since! he may be as high off of heroin as his older brother, it doesn't matter - the album has been predicted to go double platinum just in the first week.

then again, the release wasn't exactly a piece of the doll's leftover birthday cake - feathers have been ruffled due to one track, entitled, "hannah humps like a bunny." the lost boys are swearing on a stack of bibles that their hearts were in the right place and joey stated, "let me say this once so we don't have to keep doing this dance - we love women."

en masse, the lost boys and joey kiss' L3 M30W is making boatloads of cash and has most of the moguls in the industry planning a trainhopping adventure for the summertime and have them out buying matching bandannas. even top suit, sammy 'third degree' burns, noted that, "green, hep underground artists are quickly becoming a practical commodity," because they make the most money and stated that the boys' LP proves just thus.

in other doll news, kathleen was at the album launch to support her fiancé - though honestly she looked as if she would rather be cleaning out the high school football team's locker room. most of the fans on the scene were groupies, so you know the beautiful one was super duper thrilled to be there. at one point, it seemed like the million dollar brat was seconds away from inciting puppy wingnut to sic a pack of sluts. "it was so gross," the doll hissed to flashers outside, making a golden defense for herself, "most of the girls were only there to get rocko j. nasty's autograph across their tits; so, yes, for the love of pete, i'm ready to go home." LOL, i'll bet she was.

the kisses go to the prom

the king of queen of all that is wild and witchy do ball for grimaldi's debutantes

for an eye-roll worthy event styled after a high school prom - i know, the doll was probably so psyched - that kathleen and joey ended up traveling all the way to the isle of grimaldi to attend, it was worth it in the end - arcadia's #1 couple were chosen as prom king and queen!

the shindig was pretty much a debutante's ball for the young and underground artists of grimaldi to get their names in the industry; though the who's who of the entire galaxy was involved. speeches were made, toasts were given, awards were doled out and sammy "third degree" burns - owner of hep parade  magazine and former employer of wild honeypie -was honored as a patron of the arts; but all eyes were on the kisses as they entered the scene forty-five minutes late, only to interrupt biggles von biba - bassist for band, the flowers of evil - mid-sentence.

in her defense, i will say that not doing cocaine anymore has definitely given her more time to focus on her true calling : getting under people's skin. taking her sweet time to find her seat, kathleen managed to displease a handful of audience members in record time - at one point, someone even yelled at her to 'go home!' that comment must have gone over her head, though, because i was left speechless when she didn't summon her loyal demons from the blazes of limbo to cut the guilty party's tongue out.

the doll spent her first leg of the night making small talk with other guests at and around her table - which included fellow arcadians rocko j. nasty and rudy rubideaux - before she progressed closer and closer towards the stage. what happened next surely could not be avoided, as baby babble beset the stage and snatched the microphone away. she used her outside voice to say, "i deserve every award there is - i am the doll! i say this because i am the one who makes the money, who puts words on paper; i am a god, i have a great lawyer and more beautiful than any of you!" and then dedicated the moment to trotsky; after waving to the cameras, she joked, "hi, trots - i hope they have TVs in hell!"

the kisses wrapped their tour of the ball by accepting the coveted title of best new artist - known exclusively as the prom king or queen award in the business - and the doll won by a landslide. kathleen and joey graced that stage and baby babble, living up to her nickname, commanded the podium for a lot longer than she should have. i was half expecting the producers to cut the feed for the microphone and dub music over the doll's prattle; but, right when she was about to lose me, she folded up her collapsible soapbox and brought the crowd down - she earned a standing ovation with, "i want to dedicate being queen of the prom to the best gal pal i've ever had - trotsky. he's probably kicking himself in heaven that he's not here to wear my crown and sash for me." that was really sweet of her - i'm sure to counteract such a phenomenon, grimaldi's prom queen did something really mean after walking offstage.