merry xmas!

doll friends and family woke up this morning, sat down by the christmas tree and opened presents....just like everybody else. well, everybody but the kiss side of the family, because they already celebrated hanukkah and yawn when the 25th of december comes around.

this year, kathleen went cheap and made joey a scrapbook of ultrasound scans (barf), sodapop a vacation, headlock a new radio to listen to baseball on, shuggie a new set of knives, ludo a raise and promised close-up in shady lake, and the two lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal were promised a follow-up to L3 M30W. the doll even treated herself to the boxset of sci-fi favorite, twilight zone. 

wow, sounds like the only person who was missing a gift - as usual - was jimmy kiss!

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

doll fills house and office with magic crystals

makes 1999 lisbon home a crystal castle

she says that they cure her pregnancy aches and pains, but i personally think she is full of baloney! i think they are really used to stir up a magic love spell, aimed directly at hans von holzy haus!

kathleen told the papers today that she has commissioned gem-experts and shamans to fill her home with spiritual objets d'art to help promote divine well-being and a healthy pregnancy. yeah, yeah, yeah - blah, blah, blah.

let's cut to the chase! all of this was just a reason to get hans von holzy involved, because his shaman is her shaman. their shamans know each other. so, naturally, it wasn't long before the two were meditating together, chanting mickey mouse gibberish and weaving dreamcatchers, etc.

she is probably thisclose to naming her child moonbeam zuzana lotusblossom - trust.

happy halloween!

break out the candy and champagne! the kisses have good news!

no, she isn't pregnant with the great pumpkin, kathleen announced tonight that she is nearing her first month of pregnancy, with the baby due in late july. she said, "i feel like it's a baby boy, this time - i'd love a little libra, but a healthy little gemini or cancer will be just as nice." i think she can stop getting her palms read and playing with tarot cards now...

baby babble broke the baby news on her way out of her 1999 lisbon drive home and to her annual riot house costume party. she was dressed as a vintage playboy bunny and joey was dressed as himself. just kidding - he was supposed to be jim morrison, lead singer of the 60s rock group, the doors, but the jokes on him! those leather pants and that concho indian belt were from his personal 'i'm a rockstar" collection and he knows it!

now, i wouldn't be surprised if he dresses like a drunk 60s rock shaman all the time now - the doll was caressing him up and down and all around the dance floor the whole night! it must be all those hormones from being knocked up. she is extra horny and doesn't give a damn who knows it! even if it is for one of the slimy, garbage pail kiss brothers - i still commend her. get it girl! you work too hard to not sexpress yourself!

the beautiful one has spanish influenza

dr. kiss reports for duty!

she'll share a pipe with just about anybody, so it comes as no surprise that the doll is sick! paramedics were seen outside of lisbon drive today and headlock told reporters that kathleen has and will be laid up until further notice.
no, sadly, she isn't pregnant! headlock said doctors diagnosed her with influenza, probably from those nasty tourists on the isle of 8 balls grimaldi : where people don't wear shoes or underwear.
the funny thing is, joey kiss is the worst doctor and is totally sleeping on the floor tonight or in the doghouse or on a couch in headlock's shack. one of the three. headlock told reporters that kathleen demanded he call paramedics because he wouldn't even take her temperature! joey is so paranoid she is going to get him sick that he won't even be in the same room as the poor doll.
dumb joey! it's just the flu! don't be such a pussy!

the kisses go to arcadia for the holidays

fires warning shot at photographers

kathleen and joey were in arcadia all of twenty minutes, when photographers swarmed them inside the airport and followed them all the way home to their 1999 lisbon drive residence. by the time headlock pulled the gravedigger up, though, flashers wasted no time in rushing the gates and continuing inside the property on foot. this is when headlock parked at the garage, grabbed his pistol and proceeded to fire a warning shot in the air.
the reporter got the hint and drove off, but not before calling the cops to snitch on headlock! later on, officers arrived outside of the kiss cradle and as soon as they saw kathleen, they shrugged, sighed, turned off the sirens and went home. arcadian police and the doll go way back - they wouldn't dream of prosecuting her to the fullest extent of the law! also, i know what you're thinking - holidays? but it's october!

kathleen : "i've done worse things to better men"

doll fan learns about wild honeypie's wild right hook in mulholland

baby babble's tour to support ☺ was brought to an abrupt halt tonight during a reading at the hangover house in downtown mulholland. the story is still being pieced together; apparently the doll was in mid-sentence when she locked in on a member of the audience, clad in a tee-shirt that read 'kiss should be dead.'
she addressed the man and asked him to come forward - which he stupidly did - and then she told him to fork over the offensive shirt on the double. the man shook his head no, so the doll wasted no time in launching into the sea of unfamiliar faces and, with the help of her more than willing fan army, ripped the shirt from his body. and then she proceeded to beat him senseless. the doll broke his nose, two fingers and a rip before security guards could pull her away.
in response to the baby frenzy that has followed this story, kathleen responded, "he was asking for it....besides i've done worse things to better men."
the doll's camp responded, "no comment."
sodapop responded, "by crossing my heart and hoping to die, i don't know what the hell you're talking about."
hep parade announced today that they are cancelling the remaining six dates and bringing the ☺ tour to a close, to allow kathleen to focus on joey. more like they don't want her to focus her fists on anymore innocent civilians! LOL, good luck.

after the laughter, comes the tears

joey kiss knocks on heaven's door, gets told to 'kick rocks'

kathleen was hard at work on her new column this morning at the pretty people club offices when she received an alarming phone call from headlock, urging her to come home. by the time she made it through arcadia's hellish morning traffic, police and ambulances were in the driveway, reporters were just beginning to arrive. before long, the entire block was a media circus, complete with journalists hounding neighbors and sneaking through backyards, all in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the greek tragedy that is the beautiful one's life.

soon after news broke that 1999 lisbon was ground zero for some real doll drama, fans of both joey and kathleen began to gather outside of the gates as well.the doll made it through the main gates when her brother, sodapop cola, jaunted up to her. he broke the news that joey kiss attempted to take his life this morning and was in critical condition at the couple's lisbon drive home.

joey had been missing for several days and was thought to be in cielo; but returned yesterday to arcadia and had been holed up, on the edge of the property, in a small guest cottage. his body was discovered by sodapop; details are still sketchy as to exactly what happened or what the hell is even going on.

one thing is for sure, though - those close to kathleen say, despite joey's recent trials and tribulations, "they were very close and they were very much in love."

police and medical technicians were on the scene early this afternoon and joey is currently in the intensive care unit. for now, kathleen has traded in the kiss cradle for the riot house. from there i'm sure she will probably fill her suite with alligator tears, smoke foilies and wonder why it couldn't have been beau badman instead.

the gravedigger's tires have been slashed!

kathleen may have a baby on the way, but her first child - beloved black rolls royce town car - the gravedigger is in critical condition! when the doll awoke today, she traipsed into the kitchen and languidly put a kettle on to boil; within a few minutes, the water was ready and her tea was brewing. the doll reached for her favorite coffee cup and went to the cupboard for some sugar - only to find a space on the shelf where the sugar used to live! now, normally kathleen would stomp her feet and howl for someone to get her more on the double; but now that she's pregnant and sober, she's a different doll. also, joey is back in the studio with the lost boys - working on their first album, L3 M30W- and headlock was with sodapop, painting the nursery. furthermore, it's been said before that groundskeeper ludo ludovic is useless before noon; so, the million dollar brat did a quick sweep of the grounds before heading to the gravedigger to buy another bag from the closest grocery store. as she approached the monstrous machine, however, kathleen realized that all four tires were flatter than blueberry pancakes.

oddly enough, the knifing went down sometime after three this morning and took place within the locked kiss cradle gates. even more oddly, although other cars were on the property - a total of seven - the gravedigger was the only vehicle to fall victim. sadly, the knife-brandishing prowlers are going to remain free to continue prowling - no security footage could be utilized, as baby babble's beloved automobile just so happened to be parked out of frame.

fuzz warned wild honeypie that she should take such an invasion as a great threat and that a prowler would only do something of such a degree to send a message. officers then questioned friends and neighbors as to if the doll has any enemies that would want to see her suffer. joey responded with, "oh yeah, because she likes to surround herself with sadists."

kathleen made a remark of similar cynical merit and answered, "i don't even have friends - only enemies" i'll buy that. still, can someone please phone in an anonymous tip to the arcadian police department for me? i'm almost 100% positive that jimmy kiss has a chip on his shoulder about the shotgun wedding of the century and unleashed his frustrations on a beastly black town car.

joey kiss : "no money, no funny"

kathleen's rent boy is working around the clock in arcadia; and, no, for once it's not to support the doll's nasty nose candy habit!

joey hit the studio in arcadia with the lost boys - the band was signed soon after being attacked at the freak festival last year - to work on their latest album, L3 M3OW. the young kiss was asked to join the project after hep parade- the company of which kathleen is contracted out by - signed joey under their name.

the lost boys want their record to be a concept album and have asked joey to produce the likely sensation. the boys are already showing boatloads of promise - as a trial, 500 copies of the first single, "a cowboy needs a horse," were released at arcadia's premier record shop and within ten minutes, all 500 copies had been sold. still, it may all be too good to be true - sodapop leaked to the press that pregnant kathleen is worried joey is partying more than working.

spending most of his time in the studio, joey hasn't seen his 1999 lisbon drive home since last year! kiss claims that his lack of presence is an effort to wrap the album as quickly as possible - so he can spend a heap of time with his knocked up fiancée. he told flashers, "no money - no funny," and that he's surely soon to be as famous as his old lady. well, i'm not buying it and neither is the doll!

soda is certain that kathleen is certain joey is out boozing it up and that her feelings are really hurt - the expectant father has also skipped out on important doctor's appointments, which left the doll dangerously close to the edge of grabbing her shotgun and a shovel to begin the kiss genocide at once. the beautiful one's loudmouthed brother also made it seem like the doll has no life now; and said that, every night, baby babble stays up super duper late and waits for joey to come home - only he never does! sodapop pretty much confirmed that kathleen switches between staring longingly out the window for a glimpse of joey and staring longingly at the telephone for a call from joey.

the stories were all put to rest today when journalists cornered the million dollar brat and inquired as to if joey really was writing her off or if it's just idle gossip. she didn't any questions, naturally; only responding with, "the joke is on all you assholes - now go kill yourselves."