merry xmas!

doll friends and family woke up this morning, sat down by the christmas tree and opened presents....just like everybody else. well, everybody but the kiss side of the family, because they already celebrated hanukkah and yawn when the 25th of december comes around.

this year, kathleen went cheap and made joey a scrapbook of ultrasound scans (barf), sodapop a vacation, headlock a new radio to listen to baseball on, shuggie a new set of knives, ludo a raise and promised close-up in shady lake, and the two lost boys rocko j. nasty and loyal were promised a follow-up to L3 M30W. the doll even treated herself to the boxset of sci-fi favorite, twilight zone. 

wow, sounds like the only person who was missing a gift - as usual - was jimmy kiss!

no one touches the doll!

joey beats doll fan after touching kathleen's baby belly; throws them in riot house pool

kathleen and joey were enjoying a typical friday date night - dinner, movie and an assault - when the pair had headlock make a detour and head to the riot house, located in downtown arcadia. she poked her head around the property and was chatting up some guests in the gardens, when a townie thought it would be a wise idea to rub the doll's belly like she was the second coming of buddha or something!

although classy kat giggled and nonchalantly changed the subject, joey wasted no time. he snapped and asked the man WTF he thought he was doing. two nanoseconds later, that man was floating unconscious in the garden pool. when the couple were questioned by riot house security, joey said, "nobody touches my baby," and that kathleen wanted to press charges. when security told her that to do so, police needed to be involved, kathleen laughed and said, "this isn't a joke - i'm not just anybody."

come on, arcadian police get medals for helping the doll's cat down from a tree - they were there lickety split to clean up the situation. minutes after their arrival on the scene, the perp was seen being hauled off in handcuffs, in the back of a paddywagon.

joey turns over new leaf

and then the tree dies LOL

boxes upon boxes heaping full of the younger kiss' old clothing and personal belongings lined lisbon drive today, thus beginning a new chapter in the book of joey's life that is ghostwritten by the doll. naturally, he was later seen shopping at vintage boutiques for suits, polos, chinos and all sorts of other non-greaser wear straight out of the 50s.

he even gave up wearing his famous leather jacket and stated that he would start carrying a gun and, instead, retire his sheath knife, almost always worn on his hip. a present from lost boy rocko j. nasty, it has been seen on him for years and at all types of occasions - holidays, movie premieres or just a boring ass tuesday. gun definitely sounds safe though. good trade, joey.

he even called in doll ex and apparent mate, maynard g. alberkraut for help in the style department. even though marynard is more vanilla than a vanilla flavored ice cream cone, he has the fashion sense of atticus finch, which seems like a good choice for the expecting kiss.

is the doll pregnant with jimmy's baby?

yes, you hear me right - jimmy, not fiancé joey, could be the father?! say it ain't so!

rumors are flying around arcadia, cielo, grimaldi and monticello that several months ago, jimmy and kat were spotted together and like it was 2009 all over again; and now she's pregnant! honestly, i could see it - kat has always made a spot in her black heart for jimmy kiss, and those two get on like a house on fire...

regardless, i think joey is destined to have his heart broken by the one and only doll. the sooner he realizes, the better.

it's just funny, because i would have thought von holzy was the baby daddy! with how close those two are becoming, it's only a matter of time before pictures of them kissing in a hidden arcadian glade pop up.

long story short, the doll is a shameless flirt and will never change. if you're a guy, steer clear and if you're a woman, lock up your brothers, husbands and/or sons!

happy thanksgiving!

years before, the doll would have been thankful for cocaine, punk rock music, ballet slippers and fake eyelashes; but now she is mostly thankful for joey, her baby, headlock and her nightly fantasies of hans von holzhausen.
ok, maybe i don't know if the last one is true, but i feel like it is. she even invited him to the same thanksgiving mama doll and mama kiss were at! you know that joey had his arms crossed, glaring at him the entire time and probably refused to take a bite of the dish hans brought. so predictable!
and even though everyone was expecting the doll to push her plate away after three bites, she didn't - she actually ate! only, she craves the strangest foods now.
instead of traditional turkey and sides, the beautiful one opted for cold matzo ball soup and gefilte fish on toast, marshmallow fluff sandwiches, cottage cheese and leftover chinese food. and yes, the correct reaction is to be disgusted. but hey, at least she's eating!

doll fills house and office with magic crystals

makes 1999 lisbon home a crystal castle

she says that they cure her pregnancy aches and pains, but i personally think she is full of baloney! i think they are really used to stir up a magic love spell, aimed directly at hans von holzy haus!

kathleen told the papers today that she has commissioned gem-experts and shamans to fill her home with spiritual objets d'art to help promote divine well-being and a healthy pregnancy. yeah, yeah, yeah - blah, blah, blah.

let's cut to the chase! all of this was just a reason to get hans von holzy involved, because his shaman is her shaman. their shamans know each other. so, naturally, it wasn't long before the two were meditating together, chanting mickey mouse gibberish and weaving dreamcatchers, etc.

she is probably thisclose to naming her child moonbeam zuzana lotusblossom - trust.

kathleen falls fast asleep during important conference call

back in the day, the doll would have waltzed into an important meeting with white powder falling out of her nose, no bra on and she would have thought it was tuesday when it was really friday. but these days she has really been on point, which is why have no theory as to why she passed out today during a phone call with all the movers and shakers of shady lake.

tired from being pregnant?

it's a shame she didn't know hans von holzhausen was on the other end! i'm sure she would have found it within herself to stay awake.

the call wasn't really super important, though, it was to talk about filming locations, schedules and the million dollar brat's notorious rider. no wonder! sounds like a snoozefest. zzzzzzzzz

doll has a crush

shady lake will begin filming after the holidays. argosy burns, daughter of hep parade magazine boss, will be the lead and the newcomer, southern gentleman hans von holzhausen has been named director. johnny kiss was named producer ages ago, and it's probably just because the doll has a crush on him too!

and ever since he was named director, kathleen has been spending an awful lot of time on the movie set. no, i don't think it's because she wants a producer's credit - she has a crush on cutie pie holzhausen!

and no, this isn't just a hunch, sodapop cola told reporters that his sister goes gaga for hans and gets all giddy at the mere mention of long ass WWII name!

while on set, the beautiful one takes it upon herself to get his coffee every morning and conveniently leaves out everyone else. one day she even forgot baby daddy joey! LOL, go figure!

speaking of joey, he is reportedly super jealous and makes it a point to 'drop by' the set alllll the time. probably checking to see if the doll is staying faithful which i am almost 100% sure she isn't. come on joey! this isn't her first ride on the cheating merry-go-round! she at least knows to get a telly.

scary beau badman scares baby babble

the dead come always come back for one last dance on halloween

everybody knows that beau is crazier is than your average bear - last night, outside of the pretty people club headquarters, he was arrested for making malicious threats and for assaulting joey. gulp.

the official story goes like this : kathleen drove to the pretty people HQ for some late, impromptu writing and had been working for about an hour, when she noticed a suspicious person on the security cameras.

she went to go check it out and by the time she got to the front door, she realized it was none other than low life beau badman! she told him to scram, lying that joey was inside, but beau was not fazed.

this wasn't the doll's first time at the crazy parade, though, so she immediately called joey that the creep of all creeps was outside and that he needed to handle the situation.

joey rolled up on his skateboard 10 minutes later and after beau tried to give him the ol' 1-2, joey picked up his skateboard and hit him over the head.

in beau's defense, he later said he was there to congratulate the doll on her baby news. oh yeah, i'll bet - sneaking around in the middle of the night? and you know how arcadian police are - they didn't even need a statement from the doll, they arrested beau lickety split.

happy halloween!

break out the candy and champagne! the kisses have good news!

no, she isn't pregnant with the great pumpkin, kathleen announced tonight that she is nearing her first month of pregnancy, with the baby due in late july. she said, "i feel like it's a baby boy, this time - i'd love a little libra, but a healthy little gemini or cancer will be just as nice." i think she can stop getting her palms read and playing with tarot cards now...

baby babble broke the baby news on her way out of her 1999 lisbon drive home and to her annual riot house costume party. she was dressed as a vintage playboy bunny and joey was dressed as himself. just kidding - he was supposed to be jim morrison, lead singer of the 60s rock group, the doors, but the jokes on him! those leather pants and that concho indian belt were from his personal 'i'm a rockstar" collection and he knows it!

now, i wouldn't be surprised if he dresses like a drunk 60s rock shaman all the time now - the doll was caressing him up and down and all around the dance floor the whole night! it must be all those hormones from being knocked up. she is extra horny and doesn't give a damn who knows it! even if it is for one of the slimy, garbage pail kiss brothers - i still commend her. get it girl! you work too hard to not sexpress yourself!

doll is a witch, reads tarot cards

kathleen told papers today that ever since the loss of baby lux zarazthustra, she has been trying anything and everything to get pregnant again - including spells, tarot cards, magical herbs and spices, chants and candle ceremonies. basically she is a witch now trying to have a witch baby. all she is missing is a magic wand, pointy hat and broomstick.

she told reporters that she visits a palm reader, has employed a shaman and once a week has a meeting with a dream interpreter. sounds mystical. whatever works for her, i guess. i would say her best bet is to cast a love spell on joey and wait in the bedroom with candles lit and rose petals on the bed.

i wonder if she pulled out her ouija board to try and reach trotsky from beyond the grave? or at least ask if the great spirits of the netherworld can please find it in their black souls to take their #1 boy back, jimmy, back to the pit from which he came? you know what they say, doll, as above - so below!

the beautiful one has spanish influenza

dr. kiss reports for duty!

she'll share a pipe with just about anybody, so it comes as no surprise that the doll is sick! paramedics were seen outside of lisbon drive today and headlock told reporters that kathleen has and will be laid up until further notice.
no, sadly, she isn't pregnant! headlock said doctors diagnosed her with influenza, probably from those nasty tourists on the isle of 8 balls grimaldi : where people don't wear shoes or underwear.
the funny thing is, joey kiss is the worst doctor and is totally sleeping on the floor tonight or in the doghouse or on a couch in headlock's shack. one of the three. headlock told reporters that kathleen demanded he call paramedics because he wouldn't even take her temperature! joey is so paranoid she is going to get him sick that he won't even be in the same room as the poor doll.
dumb joey! it's just the flu! don't be such a pussy!

the wedding of the century is back on!

this is not a drill, people

whatever love spell the doll cast on joey is working, because today he announced, with a big smile, that the wedding hiatus is over and the two will be married in january. i am really, seriously and truly hoping that this news is in the wake of another unplanned pregnancy! i demand a shotgun wedding of her. i love babies and seeing the doll with a glow that isn't due to shooting too much dope makes me warm all over.

the doll doesn't want to talk about babies or suicide

goes on TV to let everyone know

the doll was on a popular grimaldi news programme this afternoon to talk about shady lake. now, the channel might as well have said it was a tell-all interview about joey's suicide and her miscarriage, because the host had a barrage of questions that were 100% off-topic. the interview went something like this:

host: so, kathleen, how's it been going? kathleen: been writing a lot for the upcoming movie, shady lake
host: what has this experience been like?
kathleen: next question.
host: but a lot of people found your miscarriage unbelievably tragic...what did you think about it?
kathleen: you have to be kidding me.
host: and then to have joey, your fiancé, nearly commit suicide. what do you hope the future to hold for you two?
kathleen: *laughs* i can't believe i was dumb enough to book this show.
host: do you still love him?
kathleen: i love him enough for the both of us.

once outside the studio, she bitched and moaned about the interview and said she would put a spell on the host. just kidding! she said she would use her ouija board to communicate with ghostly spirits to haunt the host.

baby babble babbles to fans

although today was the original date of her wedding, kathleen is spending it instead speaking to fans in the wake of joey's attempted suicide. the doll wasted no time in breaking the news to the media, figuring it better to hear it from her, rather than anyone else. she also chose to ignore her managers and publicists and addressed her fans this afternoon outside of her easy street hills home and after  reading one of joey's love letters, she played what would have been his final message, recorded on her home answer-phone machine:

to my doll:
seeing as this is coming from the heart of a melancholy man in mourning, i hope you'll be able to understand this.
doll, for as long as i can remember - i have been in love with you; which, at times has been good for me and at times bad for me. you're like my heroin. i can't fool you, or anyone else for that matter - i am 100% in love with you.
i believe what ultimately has led me to this choice is the realization that the life i currently lead has gone to nothing but shit. i have lost my baby, my mind, my life to addiction. also, i feel that the pressures of reaching superstardom with the success i've found with the lost boys and L3 M30W have aided in my decision.
perhaps if luxy had made it there wouldn't be such a gap in my relationship with you. i blame only myself baby. so, from the bottom of my black and burning heart - i love you. i love you and hope that someday you can find a way to forgive me baby.

i only have one one thing to say: you're like my heroin.
after playing what might have been joey's last words to the world, kathleen opened up the gates and began handing out some of the couple's personal items : their engagement announcement photo, a signed copy of L3 M30W, a pair of joey's boots, lux zarathustra's baby rattle, kathleen's wedding veil, an empty bottle of prescription pills....the list just goes on and on and on. the exchange with fans ultimately had to come to a close, though, once the doll tried to bring some of the crowd inside the gates for a house tour. headlock ushered her inside while sodapop told press a bunch of juicy details about his sister's downward spiral. like, for instance, soda said that drug dealers make stops by the house every single day and some even know the gate codes. he added that if she's not with joey at the hospital, kathleen mainly stays in her bedroom, has been refusing food, and has been off the wagon since joey tried to off himself.
in other doll news, her book ☺  is due out soon and critics are already warming a spot for it at the top of all the best-seller lists, as well as predicting several literary awards in her future.

cop-caller beau badman calls cops

beau is at it again!

it seemed like the start of any normal day in beau badman's life - he woke up at his local traphouse around noon, put on his rattiest trilby and headed down to the nearest corner to begin his day of tricking for the flashers. beau wasted no time and began talking their ears off; he filled reporters' heads with nonsense about everything: from the doll's miscarriage of baby lux his own homemade allegations that joey kiss is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin seed eater. beau confirmed that the night of the alleged "accident," he witnessed the two kisses getting high as a kite on heroin. yeah, right, beau!

and kathleen was the first to call him out. even though she's sworn off all contact with the papers, not more than 20 minutes later, kathleen was on the phone with the local television network and confirmed that beau is stoned off his ass on crack. the doll said that he is still bitter from their breakup a zillion years ago and that she and joey should "teach him a lesson he'll never forget."

beau immediately took that as a threat and walked his happy ass to the arcadian police station to file a report against her! he told cops that kathleen loves to harass him and her statements on television are a prime example of this. officers surely must have been dipping into beau's secret stash, because they filed the report!
in the end, the doll's lawyer - judah fussganger - laughed away the report. judah said - much to no one's surprise - that beau is crazy to think he has a case and that he doubts police will even go so far as to question the beautiful one.

and even though beau badman can now consider himself #1 on the kisses' shitlist,  they're really gunning for the fence. after the "oh, baby, baby, baby" article in the doll's own pretty people club magazine, the two kisses have sworn off all contact with reporters. the journo behind the article referred to joey as a "heroin junkie" and implied that the two would be shitty parents. oh hell to the no! i'm on the doll's team all the way - beau badman may be an asshole for life, but the press should give babygirl some respect in her dark days. team doll!

#1 wedding in this solar system postponed

i forsee joey leaving the doll in 5.....4.....3.....2....

joey kiss must be high on heroin like the papers report, because he has put the date of his wedding with doll on the backburner until further notice! his camp reports that with the success of L3 M30W, joey has asked to return to the studio with the lost boys to cut another album. nowhere in joey's obviously prepared press statement did it mention any word of the death of baby lux.

the beautiful one's camp, however, released their own statement and in it pleaded with the public and the media to give kathleen some goddamn peace in the wake of such a loss. it also said that she loves joey more than the navy has sailors and the two will still be getting hitched....in their own good time. still, i'm not buying that bullshit! 'in their own good time' is just dollspeak for : the wedding will have to take place on the rings of planet saturn, because kathleen and joey are already broken up!

p.s. and it only adds to the sad irony that is the doll's life when on the same day it is made known that her wedding date has been postponed, her fiancé goes and gets a fugly, weird tattoo of a naked bride.....

trouble at camp doll!

R.I.P. lux zarathustra kiss

kathleen loses baby lux zarathustra or julia jane. 

last night, as nine-month pregnant kathleen and joey kiss were travelling from arcadia to cielo by way of the gravedigger, the automobile was hit by a drunk driver and totaled. sadly, the kisses were travelling on a rural road and were not given medical attention for several hours. by the time kathleen was seen by a doctor, she had miscarried.

and if things weren't bad enough in the doll's life, as the kisses were making their way out of the hospital, photographers swarmed around the beautiful one like pigs at feeding time. instictivally, joey manuvered through the pit, shoving any flashers in his way, using any means necessary to get his fiancée the f-u-c-k out of there. press asked kathleen and joey for a comment today, but the couple has sworn off all contact with the press after their last interview with kathleen's own the pretty people club. her last comment made in the press was, "i don't count anything that the fence writes as worth a shit. it isn't real to me - or to joey for that matter."

so, the flashers are speculating the miscarriage is due to heroin and alcohol abuse - they say that baby babble loves to log important boozing hours at the riot house when nobody's looking. rumors are flying around everywhere that, not only did the doll's management staging an intervention on the couple before the announce of the pregnancy, but they were about to stage a second intervention on joey once the baby came. everyone is saying they saw it coming - but i sure as hell didn't! this news is sad, so sad and my black heart goes out to the beautiful one. R.I.P. lux zarathusta....or julia jane.

lost boys return to arcadia

the lost boys' tour to support L3 M30W wrapped last night at the riot house in arcadia; pregnant kathleen, who was proudly sporting her tummy and grinning from ear to ear, introduced the band and even sang a couple of songs with them.

before the show, the doll held an impromptu champagne toast at the arcadian il coyote country club - also known as 'the dago dive.' the country club and baby babble have a sketchy past, only know they really aren't feeling her. see, the kisses made reservations for seven for the early evening and then showed up at half-ten, a busy hour for the club during the weekends. the hostess still made a point to seat them quickly. now, i'm a little fuzzy on the events myself, but at some point, the shit went down and before staff could tell the group to kick rocks, the kisses were at each others' throats! i'm not kidding - it took three bouncers to peel the two off of one another. obviously, police were the first to be dialed and before the station could pick up - the doll's pregnant ass was long gone down the street!

the official police report states that there is over three thousand dollars worth of damage on locale and claims to be 'heavily' pursuing the beautiful one. yeah, right! pigs will pursue the doll on the 9th of never!

riot house #2 opens in arcadia

while the doll has been laid up getting pregnanter and pregnanter - and also while joey has been laid up off the heroin needle - a crew of big, grizzly bear construction men have been hard at work finishing the second riot house. located in the trendy downtown area, on the corner of nova boulevard and 1st street, hotel and nightclub opened its doors for the first time last night to all the lovers of arcadia. lines of people wrapped around the block for hours and by midnight, the hotel had no vacancies. kathleen, who has been resting low profile from the fence in arcadia for the past few weeks, was not set to attend the event; yet, when she heard about the crowds, she hopped in the gravedigger and hit the gas.

still, sideways reporters were clearly the last thing on the kisses' minds as they graced the disco dancefloor - though the doll is nine months pregnant. the club was completed with the 'man-in-the-moon' piece which features a gigantic full moon with a man's face...as well as a gigantic spoonful of blow being shoveled into the nose. if anyone's wondering what a sweeping art installation promoting cocaine usage is doing in the middle of a club, that has the doll written all over it.

but the best part of this story came when, outside of the club, one of kathleen's mates passed out cold of a heroin overdose. the incident took place early this morning and left everybody stunned.....everybody except kathleen, that is! the doll waddled up and wasted no time in snapping, "don't worry - it's just an overdose, i know what to do," at the photographers who were too busy snapping pictures to listen. naturally today's headlines read, "KATHLEEN : DON'T WORRY - IT'S JUST AN O.D." she's totally going to be a great mom.