the young kisses search for a new pile of bricks

after the bloodbath on skid row, the doll sets her sights on cielo

kathleen feels herself being called to her 10050 lonesome lane summer home, after her house in arcadia was turned into a human slaughterhouse. last weekend, a pack of four crazed followers broke into her 312 fortress, murdered five of her friends and nearly slashed the doll to ribbons. she is not pleased and is currently looking for a new tomb to call home. she will most likely go to her summer haunt, in the city of cielo. in the past, she has called the 10050 her 'love shack.'

"the house in cielo is in primrose canyon and oversees the valley from the lookout mountains. located off a narrow, winding road - there's nothing like it. it's surrounded by lush, thick trees, mountain laurel, bougainvillea and cherry-blossoms - with rose-blanketed fences and a cool spring pool grown over with wildflowers. there are stone fireplaces, high, beamed ceilings - a hayloft, hidden passageways and a secret tunnel that connected to the garage and guest house. it was built in the 1940s by a movie star to resemble a farmhouse in the french countryside, but it looks more twentieth century fox than anything. it is the house on the hill, a faraway place from the real world, where nothing can go wrong. burrowed against the hillside , it is the end-all of hideouts - one that hangs high above the valley, above the clouds."

kiss has mentioned to the papers that he feels the home at 10050 lonesome lane in cielo will be safer for kathleen, given the recent goings-on. no, actually he was talking about how he'll now be able to tell what she's up to at all times, because of some dumb outdoor lamps she put up and down the walkway for parties;

"...you could see her light from 10050 all the way down from lonesome lane - not lonesome lane, but primrose canyon, all the way down to the valley."

known as "the street with a famous reputation," lonesome lane garnered the lowly handle due to the popular locals on the block. sounds like kathleen and her heroin-spoon jimmy kiss will fit right in!
baby babble is said to be relieved about heading to cielo and so is kiss - word around the campfire is, the fuzz told them that since two of the four killers are dead, the remaining suspects will most likely be gearing up for a second attack, seeing as how the first one didn't go so hot. gulp.
word around the campfire is that she'll be headed to cielo next weekend, after she attends the funerals of her friends. sad times. sucks to be her - just saying.

i don't like jokes, so i don't find this very funny.....

the million dollar brat is expecting a brat of her very own

okay, i don't even know where to begin. my head has just barely stopped spinning from the news about kathleen and joey's sudden engagement and now the papers are reporting that the one and only doll has a bun in the oven. and no, reporters didn't squeeze the news out of sodapop for once - it was kathleen herself who proudly phoned the dailies' office early today to confirm the good news. still, it was to no avail - this morning's headlines rang like an obituary : ARCADIAN ROYALTY, KATHLEEN AND JOEY KISS, PLANNING SHOTGUN WEDDING. 

those sick dickheads! i mean, she gave them an inch and they took a mile. i don't know; if you ask me, this whole thing stinks like a sleazy, old-fashioned feat for publicity. think about it - the doll's new year's resolutions were to - you guessed it - do boatloads of cocaine this coming year! i guess she'll have to forget all about that now; because, being knocked up means giving up almost everything she lives for : chasing the dragon, guzzling 40s, jumping rope, taking fat rips off of a frosty bong, doing the twist to oldies music, taking whippets, smoking ciggies and slamming speedballs. well, sucks to be her! i'm going to do tons of speedballs out of my frosty bong while skipping rope and make her so jealous. so, before kathleen gets ahead of herself and enrolls in lamaze classes, she can go ahead and check herself into the nearest rehab - let's get the future best mother of this galaxy a little detoxification and she'll be good to go.

speaking of, also featured in today's paper was the backlash on the doll's baby broadcast. everybody and their dog tripped over themselves to get in the dailies and say something about it! joey said, "the word around the campfire is true - kathleen and i are as happy as a dog with two tails. we really only got the news ourselves, but we wanted to be the first to spill to the fence."

sodapop cola said, "i just can't wait to teach the little angel how to swear and flip people off." um....yeah, right, soda - more like teach the little angel how to dial the flashers to leak information at the drop of a dime.

headlock said, "i'm happy for the kids." from there he began to dribble on about how he wanted to be a part of the kiss family.....or something. he said, "i would love nothing more than to be front row throughout the kid's life.....i'll build the baby a soapbox car to race in, maybe be the one to give him his first beer and play catch with him in the yard - i'll be like grandpa headlock." um, earth to gramps - it's not 1934! there are no soapbox car races anymore! that shit hasn't been around for a long time. and, just how old is headlock going to be when kathleen and joey's baby is ready for their first beer? 316 years old? get your head out of the clouds, grandpa!

for the rest of the spread, reporters rounded up all of kathleen's old rent boys - even the stinky rat beau badman crawled out of the sewer to make a statement - and the lads each gave their own sincere response.

loyal said, "on behalf of the lost boys, we'd like to congratulate the happy couple and say that we all can't wait to corrupt the little lamb. also, the hell boys want me to say that shortly after the birth, your kid is going to be inducted as an honorary member of their gang. if there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask." gross - i wouldn't let those drooling, bandanna-donning punks anywhere near my kid, even with a blood test and hazmat suit.

maynard b. alberkraut opted for his classic role of sappy romantic and - aside from making it seem like he was still in love with kathleen - gushed, "despite her reputation, she was born to be a mother; and with joey, her child will not only be blessed with beauty, but brains as well. i wish for them nothing but the stars and hope that kathleen's pregnancy goes smoothly." okay, i can totally see joey throwing the doll a 'really?' look the entire time he read maynard's contribution - i know that i did."

beau, in-between wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and taking fat slugs out of a flask, followed maynard's suit and targeted the doll in his statement. beau said, "got any heroin?" no, i'm kidding. he said, "wowie zowie, doll, i never thought i'd see the day where you were with child. i'll bet that you end up having the toughest baby in the whole wide world - in fact, i hope you do. i'm glad that someone could make you happy - lord knows i tried." sadly, that actually wasn't a joke - beau is pretty deluded. the former fling of kathleen's wrapped up his soapbox set on a lighter note, with, "i hope your old man - they tell me his name is joey - continues to do good by you. if he doesn't, you know that you can always call me." LOL @ that nonsense! i'm sure the doll would sooner gargle battery acid.

lastly, jimmy kiss - joey's older brother - kept from sobbing and through gritted teeth, remarked, "congratulations to them both - i'll bet joey will be a great father and i just know i'm going to have to spoil the hell out of that brat. l'chaim!" well, give him all the candies and toys that you want, but keep him away from the blow! if the child truly is of doll descent, one dance with the white lady would surely be one dances too many!

baby babble got the last laugh and said, "i've been knocked up all of fifteen minutes and aliens vacationing on saturn's rings have already sent their congratulations. mind your own goddamn business or i'll sic joey on you." then, she added, "and did i hallucinate or did beau goodman actually address me? i thought he was dead already...." okay, kathleen didn't say the last part, but i'm sure that she wanted to. she really should have - for her baby's sake.

in other doll news, her puppy dog - wingnut - made the morning news when he slithered underneath the kiss cradle gates at four this morning and began scampering down lisbon drive. one of the beautiful one's candid photographers - on a stakeout for pregnancy snapshots - spotted the pup. he rang the telephone number listed on wingnut's tag - kathleen answered, mumbled inaudibly for a moment and, before slamming the receiver down, screamed "go fuck yourself!" naturally, the flasher's next call was to the local arcadian television station. wingnut roamed around the stage set for most of the morning, until kathleen phoned in and began bitching out the television anchors for kidnapping her dog! without even so much as a warning, the doll barged onto the scene as the news was airing live and demanded the return of her beloved puppy. there has never been a soul that said no to the million dollar brat and lived to tell the story, so wingnut was placed back in the loving arms of his master.

kathleen made her grand exit off of the programme, following a dig at the kisses' offspring - the lead news lady kidded, "let's hope, for your sake, that your seed is smarter than wingnut and stays inside the gates." the doll smashed a tray of coffee cups and called the anchorwoman a, "cunt who lives on asshole avenue in loserland." then, baby babble kicked up her ballet slippers and stormed out of the station; but not before she flipped off the cameras, still recording live. that's my girl!

is joey going to make an honest woman out of kathleen?

the doll is affianced...................and to a kiss no less!

earlier this week, joey kiss was reported to have been seen shopping for engagement rings in arcadia - joey told those close to him that he feels kathleen is 'the one.' and now kathleen's camp has gone and confirmed the worst : the two are, in fact, engaged to one another. you know, i really doubt that the doll feels joey is 'the one.' she only feels that way about candy, cocaine, words and smoking doobies. though, and i hate to admit it, joey is my favorite out of all of her victims.

jimmy was too similar to her, maynard b. alberkraut was a bore - beau goodman was a creep and loyal was too young for her; joey, on the other hand, seems to have domesticated the once wild honeypie. i mean, don't get me wrong - she probably still hovers over dusty mirrors like there's no tomorrow, but at least she's happy! thus, joey kiss is much better; much better than jimmy, that is.

speaking of, after jimmy was seen browsing downtown for rings - alongside brothers, joey and johnny - he even went as far as to tell the press that he is 'over the moon' that the two are in love. he said that he's glad his loss could be someone's gain - even if it's his baby brother's. i'm not even kidding; he really did say that shit - although i'm 99% positive that he's lying. come on, jimmy collapses into a weeping puddle of sorrow anytime someone looks at him wrong and is merely a couple of pills away from flying off to the big heroin needle in the sky. you're not fooling me, jimmy! even though i didn't really want to, i've committed myself to not flipping him shit for a while; for, you just know he's on suicide watch now that his brother's engagement has been made official.

come to think of it, i feel like i've finally figured joey out; as suspected, he and jimmy are nearly as different as night and day. at first, i thought him to be a goody-goody like maynard, because he was shy in front of the camera lens. from the beginning, joey has been in the spotlight, his every move a methodical one; as if every day were another test to see if he could handle life with the doll. for example, during their third week of courtship, kathleen and joey were enjoying a normal night at the riot house - the doll was drunk, high, topless and talking to the side of a building - when flashers started giving baby babble grief for carrying on so cheaply. whereas jimmy would have smashed the photographer's flashbulbs in, stomped on their cameras and gotten arrested - joey handled it like a gentleman and, after smashing their flashbulbs in, snuck kathleen out the back entrance and took her home before police arrived. see? if that were a test, he passed with magical, flying unicorn colors. in another instance, kathleen wasn't feeling too hot and had been laid up in bed - a result of burning the candle at both ends, no doubt - joey brought her fresh flowers in bed. okay, to be fair, i'm sure jimmy might have gotten her flowers too; but he wouldn't have gone to a shop like a normal person or picked them himself - jimmy probably would have conjured up a bouquet out of a garbage bin in a dirty alley somewhere. yeah, the doll test - jimmy failed so badly and joey has already graduated with honors. seriously, after years and years of meticulously studying jimmy's every move and slowly creeping towards the doll, joey has done it!

in other doll news, sodapop cola of course had his own two cents to chip in about his sister's romantic revelation. he said, "joey's a great guy and all and i'm really, truly happy for the two of them, but i believe in my heart of hearts that she still loves jimmy. don't ask me why, but i just do." okay, soda, what are you trying to say? actually, i withdraw that question - soda, what do you know? no one even asked you anyways! why couldn't you have just cut out the bullshit and said, "i'm happy for the two of them," like a normal human being? don't be shocked when your invitation to the wedding of the century doesn't appear in your mailbox! kathleen should seriously add 'one-way ticket to another planet' to her wedding registry if she doesn't have the heart to tell her brother to lock up his loose lips from here on out - it's the only way.

in the end, the million dollar brat responded to sodapop's erroneous jests through the dailies and retorted, "well, i love my brother and all - but sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his goddamn mouth shut." well, maybe that will help him. jimmy scrambled for a little recognition and took it upon himself to respond - in doing so he made sodapop look like an absolute asshole - he said, "i don't know what sodapop is talking about. i couldn't be happier for my baby brother; and as far as kathleen is concerned, bygones are bygones." i know it's sick, but i was kind of hoping that jimmy would slip in, "oh and p.s. : one man's trash is another man's treasure" at the end there, but,  he kept it together for once. 

i will never forgive that wet mop!

jimmy kiss is at the top of baby babble's shitlist

somebody needs to keep jimmy kiss out of my sight, because if i ever see him i will slap that trilby right off his goddamn head and not even think twice about it! i'm sure that he's all melancholy and everything now that rumors are flying around about his younger brother and former girlfriend are getting hitched - but how dare he smash up kathleen's shit! that selfish asshole should have mailed it to me! i would have personally paid for all of his crackrocks next year.

after jimmy's hanukkah from hell, he returned to the 312 to find a box of the doll's junk - having been mailed from cielo - sitting on his porch. instead of doing the human thing and having it forwarded to her new address in the easy street hills, he took a baseball bat to the box. in doing so, he smashed kathleen's original, rare and signed-in-lipstick copies of her entire riot grrrl music collection. along with her LPs, he created a small bonfire and burned his collection of the doll's unpublished drafts and notes - which kathleen affirmed that he stole - from her books throughout the years, including the yet-to-be-released ☺.

can you believe that shit? it's like jimmy has surpassed his wet mop days and reverted back to a state of junior high school. the middle kiss brother is certainly winning his way into satan's 9th circle of hell - hitler, cassius, brutus and judas iscariot are probably super duper proud of lucifer's #1 son right now.

okay, and i don't mean to always be the one to slaughter the pink elephant in the room - but jimmy really needs to get the net! he and the beautiful one broke up ages ago, WTF? he must have been high off his ass on black tar when he thought that he even had so much as a snowball's chance in hell of getting kathleen back - watching the two together at hanukkah, behaving like the happy campers that they are, nearly sent him running for the razorblades.............and not in a doll-over-a-dusty-mirror kind of a way, either.

in closing, baby babble, you now have my permission to put an evil curse upon jimmy kiss' head; and, i promise i won't even make fun of you or try to burn you at the stake or anything. do something really bad - like, make it so he can never find a vein to shoot up with ever again. wait......that could be a good thing if you think about it. fuck it, instead of a curse, let's just put a price on his head and get some old-fashioned homicide going. i'm sure that the mean, old boogieman with a limp from the arcadian trailer park will do it for £699, no cash down.

the million dollar brat draws up blueprints for arcadian riot house

shit, there's nothing quite like the comforts of home, are there? since she's totally beyond skid row mentally, the doll is bringing everything that reminds her of cielo. the only thing that she's going to be missing is beau badman, but i'm sure he'll find some reason to slither back to arcadia that doesn't involve kathleen whatsoever.

her first call was to mate rudy rubideaux, who helped her open the first riot house in cielo. rudy also lent a hand in introducing jimmy kiss to gibby bastien - sister of deceased caretaker trotsky - and the two have since been going steady. word has it that the doll told rudy, "just remember one thing for me - although it will be adorned with riot house regalia, it will not be the same scene as cielo. it will be bigger, better and meaner. it will be the kind of place that you don't want your kid to go." oh, don't worry your pretty little head, baby babble; i'm sure that the riot house is already a place parents don't want their kids to go.

hep parade agreed to front her money because they've probably come to the realization by now that she won't move to arcadia unless all of her stupid stipulations are met. the doll's boss said, "if opening a second riot house will make her feel more at home, then by all means, let's open a second riot house." you know what else makes the doll feel at home? smoking foilies - but you don't see sammy (burns, head of hep parade) tripping over themselves to meet such an inquiry, now do you?

in other doll news, she angered a bunch of her fans off today when she abandoned an appearance and was later found swilling hooch by the flashers. damn! kathleen responded by saying, "and this is news?"

headlock then shoved her aside and offered the fence some priceless advice, "i've learned to not get on the bad side of those who speedball." i'm sure that this will be the epitaph on his gravestone someday.

the beautiful one's camp took their sweet time commenting, with, "minutes before the event was to begin, kathleen was compelled to regretfully cancel a scheduled reading in downtown cielo after feeling ill. soon after, she was photographed at a bar nearby her home, sparking fictional stories that she traded in work for play today - which is just sadistic." no, the sadistic shit here comes from kathleen's representative who is trying to trick us into believing that the doll was at home being sick when we all know that she was on her knees, snorting lines off of the toilet seats in said afore mentioned bar! i mean, and i'm not rocket scientist or anything, but it wasn't that hard to put two and two together. furthermore, those weren't 'stomach paints' you were feeling, doll - it was your body crying out in horror from the malnourishment.

more junior high shit

dollface makes kiss cry, he leaves her; she says "sorry"

there is something going seriously wrong with the world if the doll is apologizing to a kiss, but i got that correct. now, remember how a couple of days ago, the two got in a knock-down-and-drag-out fight because the doll wanted to take speedballs until her eyes stopped, dropped and rolled in the back of her head? sure you do. well, that same night, the young kiss packed up his makeup and curlers and said, "see ya!" to kathleen. he was planning on forgetting all about her, until kathleen did the unthinkable and asked forgiveness of him. word has it that the row started because joey doesn't approve of kathleen taking drugs and caught her red-handed trying to score some off her dealer. busted! in her defense, joey should have known what noose he was slipping over his head - no one tells kathleen what to do and lives to tell the tale!

well, no one except joey apparently. the doll tracked him down at - surprise, surprise - the flophouse with big brother jimmy and presented him with a heartfelt "sorry." joey took one look at jimmy and then a quick glance around his flophouse room and said to kathleen, "apology accepted - let's hid the road, babe!" the two have been together ever since and probably will be for a couple more days until the next disagreement.

i mean - and i'm not saying that world war kat will surely be waged again - let's just hope that is there is a next time, joey will handle it a little better. he could stand to learn a thing or two from his brother - jimmy took his doll-approved beatings like a champ.

and, if joey kiss thinks that he'll be the one to change the beautiful one, he can save it! some say he's even dropped the dreaded 'r' word to katty cakes! don't even make me laugh - she'll go to rehab when pigs sprout wings and make a sty out of the clouds.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

i have no doubt that trotsky is going cartwheels in his grave right now. he was the doll's sidekick and doubled as her ultra-femme advisor; and as her advisor, i know he would have advised her in the opposite direction, especially if it was anything that included the words 'jimmy kiss' and 'permanent' in the sentence.

if you ask me, this come as a total sucker punch to my windpipe; i mean, i had heard around the campfire that kathleen and joey were having some issues - i suspected it was because of jimmy rubbing his second rate, wannabe doll girlfriend in kat's face - but she has got to be fucking kidding me with this tattoo shit!

the fence reported that the pretty people club luminary wandered onto the arcadian high road last night and waltzed into the first tattoo shop that she could see. the artists inside refused to tattoo her, as she was blackout drunk - a result of logging some important hours at the club de luxe with drinking pal and lost boy rocko j. nasty - so, she began throwing money at them until they ultimately agreed to ink her. okay, i'm lying - she flashed them until they ultimately agreed to ink her with what will now be known as the dumbest tattoo......ever.

joey was blindsided by the news - just like me - but still pretty pleased with himself that he's since kicked the doll to the curb; and he let the whole world know about it. the young kiss must have been taking lessons from captain loose lips himself, sodapop, because he told the fence that the doll screws with his head on a regular basis and that her shitty choice of a tattoo isn't the first time that she's intentionally done something to hurt his feelings. joey revealed that a little over two months ago - while jimmy was still haunting the 10050 - he woke up late in the doll's bed, only to realize that kathleen had disappeared! fearing the worst, he reached for his trusty shotgun - WTF? - and began to search the house. it was upon stumbling into the guest bedroom - where jimmy was rooming - that joey discovered his brother and kathleen locked in a steamy conversation and gazing deeply into each other's eyes. they also may or may not have been sharing a bottle of wine. feeling like his heart had been smashed into a hundred little pieces with a sledgehammer; you know joey stared long and hard at that shotgun before he put it away. he claims that he now considers the memory a bygone one, but i say he's full of it - i'll bet joey's voice was breaking the entire time he was participating in his own open-air therapy session with the press. he's a kiss - this he cannot change - being a wet mop is in their blood, it's as simple as this.

okay, i think i should switch back to making fun of the doll right now. i'll put it this way, unless she's trying to put some kind of witchy spell on jimmy via tattooing his own name on her flesh - i'm not interested. that shit just howls : laser removal, big mistake and wrong.

Q: are you writing this from inside trotsky's coffin?

A: DUH

um, is it just me or is kathleen a handful of pills away from ending it all? if you don't agree now, perhaps you will after reading her latest installment for hep parade.

Q: Mulholland or the Isle of Grimaldi?
A: grimaldi - going to mulholland makes me want to slit my wrists

Q: You know, for Trotsky's sake, you shouldn't joke about wanting to kill yourself.
A: you think i'm kidding

Q: When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: i wanted to be able to write a mean book; and now, my books are so mean, that they never call their mother

Q: So, just how did you get your reputation?
A: by being the bitch that nobody wants to be

Q: No, really - how did someone like you get to be so famous?
A: someone like me???? um, i used to be the prettiest doll in arcadia and now i'm the prettiest doll in cielo

Q: I thought HEP! was a great dedication to the friendship that you and Trotsky shared - congratulations.
A: you obviously didn't 'get' HEP! then

Q: You are such a stupid slut. Do humankind a favor and disappear - you can take your little party dresses and your dollies with you.
A: many a true word spoken in jest

Q: If only you knew the people that I have keeping tabs on you - you would probably think twice about the things you do.
A: HEADLOCK??????????????? WTF i've done nothing incriminating.........yet

Q: I read a gossip report recently that said you fell asleep during a phone interview and cited the reason as you were "high as a kite off of heroin" - any truth in this?
A: I THINK DOPE IS DOPE - what's it to you?

Q: Are you a morning person?
A: NO WAY - especially not today. someone had been calling me all morning since 666 o'clock. some of us still live fast and die young, you know? and it just had to be someone from the fence! none of my friends wake up that early - they stay up that late

Q: I'm sure that you're tired of being badgered about Trotsky and all the elements surrounding his death, but I've always had a question about him and figured it was now or never - why did Trotsky select the 69th room at the Riot House as his suite?
A: R U FUCKING WITH ME? trotsky was as camp as a row of pink tents

Q: What did you think when Hep Parade Magazine told you to write another fanmail piece?
A: I THOUGHT 'O GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT DETH IN NOVEMBER

Q: I miss the normal Kathleen - when is she coming back to Planet Earth?
A: ROFL - WHEN WAS I 'NORMAL?'

Q: You probably won't spill, but were you the one who gave Trotsky the 'barbies?'
A: well, that depends - is it a crime that the pigs just write a little ticket for; or is it a crime where they puts my hands behind my back and wrap those darling silver bracelets around my wrists?

Q: Why the Jimmy tattoo?
A: U SAY 'WHY?' - I SAY 'WHY NOT?'

Q: Could you give me an estimate of the percentage of people around you that snort coke?
A: 100% this is cielo DUH

Q: Gibby Bastien is naturally gorgeous, whereas you have to pancake your makeup on and yet you still look like you rolled out of the grave. I'm glad Jimmy Kiss has moved onto a more mature woman and left the little girl in the playground.
A: WTF? playground.....grave.....natural.......U CAN SAY WHATEVER, BUT GIB HAS YET 2 ENTER THE 10050

Q: What is the last thing Trotsky said to you?
A: "doll, i can't breathe in here."

Q: Well, then what's the last thing that you said to Trotsky?
A: "but, baby, you are safe - in here."

it's almost like kathleen has spent one too many hours hovering over her favorite framed picture of trotsky, blowing lines. she probably thinks she can talk to his ghost now too. quick! someone check the doll's pulse - i want to be 100% sure that she's still with us.

jimmy kiss and not-kathleen

as if being dumped by joey and trotsky's untimely death wasn't enough for kathleen to process, jimmy kiss has gone and found someone new to hold hands with! and no, it's not the white lady. her name is gibby bastien and she is the sister of, well, duh - abbie bastien = trotsky = gib's brother. and no, they didn't meet at the funeral; that would be funny though....

jimmy met gibby though rudy rubideaux, the prosperous nightclub and hotel entrepreneur; rudy just recently opened the club de luxe and also assisted kathleen in the opening of the riot house - but gibby "isn't in the business," jimmy said. get this - she's a librarian. he also said that she doesn't even do drugs! WTF? surely this shit will never last. i give it one hot minute before jimmy starts trying to smoke, snort or slam everything in sight.

now, i'm sure somewhere in the back of the doll's little pea brain, she's always figured that jimmy would come crawling back sooner or later to wash her feet with his tears, but this gibby character completely blows that theory to shit. the beautiful one was informed of this sordid romance by - no surprises here - the flashers. they told her that gibby was going around to the fence and badmouthing baby babble, saying evil things like, "she really did a number on my baby," and, "jimmy wouldn't touch kathleen with a ten-foot pole now; he was really hurt."

okay, doll, it's time to break out your magic witch potions and lotions - there's a dumb slut running around cielo that is just asking to have a hex put on her. now, let's break it down : first of all, gibby, jimmy kiss has been kathleen's baby since the thirteenth of forever - don't get it twisted. and, oh yeah, i'm sure that jimmy really hurt when katty warbucks dried up and stopped shelling out the dough for his every want and need!

the funny thing is, after the reporters told her about jimmy and his new girl, kiss tried to pull a fast one when he went over to the 10050 to pick up some of his leftover junk - he had the audacity to bring gibby with him! wild honeypie wasn't fooled and insisted that headlock do something about it - or else she, her shovel and her .45 would. so, when headlock strolled down to the main gates to let them in, he told jimmy, "oh, i'm sorry, we must have forgotten to tell you - you can come in, jimmy, but your trash will have to stay on the curb with the rest of the garbage." LOL! even old headlock still knows how to make kiss blush. jimmy left in a huff shortly thereafter, settling the score to jimmy : 0, kat :1..

and, is it just me or are jimmy and the doll still in love with each other? i mean, jimmy's new meal ticket / girlfriend bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain beautiful blonde doper that we all know and worship. i'm just saying - i think baby babble has an evil twin running around cielo and she's simultaneously banging jimmy kiss. then again, the million dollar brat was getting busy with his younger brother, joey, who looks exactly like him. and i mean exactly - from the glazed-over, heroin-induced look in his eye to the trilby atop his head.

in other doll news, the pretty people club president announced during a radio interview that she's afraid to sleep at the riot house now. evidently, the last time she did, she had a nightmare about trotsky. now she believes his ghost to haunt the property and thinks that he keeps her up all night. i know, i think kathleen is full of it too - it's just an excuse for all that speed tea she drinks. it was during her cokey babble, though, that she revealed she would be locking up trotsky's suite in the hotel - which, believably and unbelievably is room number 69 - and throw away the key. i'm sure trotsky would have done the same thing if he could be in her situation, but you know jimmy wouldn't! the second that the doll flatlined, kiss would be out on the bethel strip, trying to hock bootlegs of her latest book or offer to let people take photographs with her corpse.

if you ask me, i think it's about time that we close the book on jimmy kiss. he and his low-rent, tap water high school version of kathleen can pack up their crackpipes, trilbies and knockoff kinderslut dresses and hit the road!

mr. obvious says that kathleen is a bad influence

um, duh

trotsky was taken into custody last night for public indecency, intoxication and resisting arrest - when questioned by the fuzz, he told officers that kathleen was his boss and that she's a "bad influence" on him. i'm sure everyone in the police station and nearby vicinity was instantly brought to their knees from paralyzing laughter. i know that i was.

when the deputies asked why he didn't have any clothes on, trotsky said that kathleen had dared him to and he didn't want to seem like a big baby huey by saying no. when the cops asked him why he had white powder around the outside of his nose, he replied that katty cakes took him to a wild party in the easy street hills with all her friends. good cover!

okay, she may be a shitty role model, but the doll really came through with her witch magic and saved the day; she had her lawyer - judah fussganger - summoned and the charges against trotsky vanished into a cloud of glitter within a matter of seconds. okay, i'm lying - trotsky didn't get out until this morning and when he died - kathleen was nowhere to be found! still, i'm sure her witchcraft helped in his release, even if she was casting spells in her heroin-activated sleep.

without hesitation, once trotsky had been released from the pokey, he told reporters on the scene that he's going to give kathleen a good tongue-lashing the next time he sees her, because she was right by his side when the fuzz showed up - and then she took off running without him! he attested that wild honeypie was there one second and the next, all he could see was blonde hair fading into the horizon. he tried to catch up to her, but was apprehended and immediately arrested and handcuffed. LOL. i don't know what he expected - maybe next time he'll keep his head on a swivel like wild honeypie and run too.

trotsky - in classic sodapop fashion - continued to spill outside of the cielo jailhouse this morning and said that the real reason he's so bummed is because, "spending the night in jail cost me a hot date." well, why didn't you say so? the doll gets with anything that walks, talks and wears a trilby hat; but not everyone has it that easy! even trotsky needs love too.

speaking of trilbies, can someone please tell baby babble that it is not cool to pass jimmy's highly valued statement piece around to all her boyfriends? think about it - in a cold, dark and lonely alley somewhere, jimmy is trying to fight off the crocodile tears and is keeping his head warm with a pile of newspapers.

here we are again

and so soon

i hate to say this, but i really can't wait until hep parade tells kathleen, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" once and for all, because this fanmail shit is for the birds.
you know the doll, though; she has always been quite the bitch and hardly appreciates her fans. speaking of, get out your reading glasses and get ready for another ascent to outer space, courtesy of our one and only baby babble!

Q: Do you really think that you'll still be relevant in 10 years?
A: no, from what i've been told, i've proved that underground literature is a bankable commodity - THEY WON'T NEED ME 4EVER

Q: Isn't it funny that Jimmy's new girlfriend looks just like you?
A: O YA - THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

Q: Did Jimmy really replace you with Trotsky's sister?
A: LMAO!!!!!!! YA RIGHT! restraining order

Q: I heard Jimmy Kiss recently took a foray into the music business. How does this make you feel?
A: like killing myself - jimmy kiss singing makes birds fall dead from the trees

Q: Oh yeah? Well I also heard that he's doing a show in Arcadia at the Disco Room soon.
A: IS THAT SO? WHEN AND WUT TIME??? I'LL HAVE THE FUZZ WAITING IN CALLY ALLEY 4 HIS LOSER ASS!

Q: Since when did you start on all the Jimmy Kiss hate?
A: SINCE 4 EVER. DUH.

Q: What's the last thing you said to Jimmy?
A: you can eat shit for all i care...

Q: I love you.
A: JOEY'S GONNA BE SO MAD

Q: Did you ever go to your high school prom?
A: OF COURSE NOT - 2 UGLY

Q: What would you describe yourself as?
A: LIFER

Q: Did Jimmy teach you the term 'lifer?'
A: ROFL - HE WISHES

Q: Do you drive drunk?
A: only always - me sober attracts too much attention

Q: Quick! Go to your window right now - how many photographers are outside your house?
A: LOL - 1 FLASHER, 2 FLASHER, 3 FLASHER....when i'm alone i count myself - ONE DOLL!

Q: I have some blow - I'll be at the Riot House, in room 234, under the name of 'Kurk Crowbar' - can you meet me there on Monday?
A: BLOW? I LOVE BLOW. WUT TIME????

Q: Let's meet at midnight - wear all black.
A: U GOT IT

Q: Will you ever marry?
A: WHO WOULD WANT 2 MARRY ALL THIS??? I SUCK

Q: What's with the outer space talk? You start going to astronaut school or something?
A: i dropped out of astronaut school - besides, i've already been to the moon and looked down on the earth; UR NOTHING IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN 2 SPACE

Q: Go ahead and sign with Hep Parade because your latest boyfriend works there - they just want to make a quick profit off of you.
A: PROPHET = PROFIT

Q: So, if you are what you eat, then what does that make you - nothing?
A: OOOH GOOD ONE

Q: How's the heroin from Cielo compare with the heroin from Arcadia?
A: IT'S MORE DOPE

Q: I've followed you're entire career and noticed one thing - you have no friends that are female. What is with this?
A: THERE'S NOT ROOM ENOUGH FOR 2 QUEEN QUNTS IN THIS TOWN

Q: I've heard that you have terrible vision and been in more accidents than you can remember - how do you still have a license?
A: IDK - sometimes i can't even see signs until after i've passed them. IS THAT BAD?

Q: Where do you believe your appeal truly lies?
A: IN OUTER SPACE, DUH - no, i believe it's because i truly DGAF

Q: Whatever happened to Sodapop? Did you finally shut him up?
A: LOL I WISH - he's still kicking around somewhere....probably chasing some tail

Q: I was informed that you only make a mere ten thousand a day. Am I wrong, or are you in the poorhouse now?
A: U WERE ILL INFORMED - i make a million a day

um, what - the poorhouse? please. she makes boatloads of cash as it is, what with all the gibberish she scribbles out. the doll has made her fortune off of plenty of different things over the years : books, columns, death threats to beau badman, essays, jimmy kiss' eulogy, speeches, shit that nobody understands...why would she be in the poorhouse? i mean, the bandanna was one thing, but she's since given that up for a super sweet denim jacket from 1993 that joey handed down to her. duh.

and, if i could direct this towards sodapop - you know he's chasing a gaggle of flashers around, trying to get some kind of story published. it's either that or he's dead, because there's nothing that can shut him up.

baby babble is all bones and ratted hair at the cosmic charlie's opening

cielo now has another spot that kathleen can go and get hammered at - say hello to rudy rubideaux's cosmic charlie's cosmic disco!

people have been talking about how svelte the beautiful one's frame has become over the past several weeks since the freak fest and she didn't really help that talk by going out scantily-clad tonight. i mean, you can now count virtually every bone in her body. she would be the ideal living skeleton for junior high science classes everywhere. just have the lost boys strum that "skeleton bones" song, while kathleen dances around and sings to it, simultaneously identifying the corresponding bones and they'll be making the big bucks in no time. i'd definitely pay to see a show like that!

anyways, she attended the opening because it's her mate, rudy rubideaux's joint and he invited her. he even told her that she could give a champagne toast and i'm sure he now wishes he hadn't. for, in the middle of her toast, she went off on a tangent about how rudy's launch was good, but hers would be better - a portent of things to come. way to steal the thunder, doll! the world still revolves around you, last time i checked.

the best part of the night was when rudy asked for the guests to be seated, as dinner would be coming out shortly. kathleen sat still for about fifteen seconds, which was long enough to tell the maître d' that she wouldn't be eating, but that he could bring her another drink as soon as possible. she kept excusing herself so much, that guests said rudy finally shamed her in front of everyone for being such an obvious cokehead. LOL, he probably said, "come on, eat with us - it's not going to kill you, you know?" wrong! food to the doll is worse than poison. she takes drugs and candy for nutrition.

and, i'm sad to report that loyal's bandanna of filth made an unsightly return to the doll's throat. kathleen took time to address the people wondering as to if she had dumped joey; baby babble said that she brought loyal as her date since joey is out of town on business.
i'm going to cut this short, because in other news, jimmy is at the top of the tallest building in town, threatening to jump! come on, not time to waste - let's go put some china white on the sidewalk to see if we can talk him into coming down!

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"

Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT

Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me

Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL

Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies

Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up

Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin

Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK

Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high

Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?

Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME

Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am

Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk

Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET

Q: Virgin?
A: whore

Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE

Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????

Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"

Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo

Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far

Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far

Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

two kisses too many!

one of them has got to go - my money's on jimmy!

jimmy's younger brother joey is fresh off the train from arcadia to cielo and all bets are off, seeing as how kathleen has had a crush on him since time began. good! i hope the two fall madly, truly, deeply in love with each other and jimmy cracks under the pressure. maybe he'll finally make good on that suicide threat.

now, according to hep parade magazine, jimmy is currently living with the happy couple at the 10050 love shack. all the doll has to do is slip a, "it's been real and it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun," under his pillow on the sleeper sofa and he's a goner for sure!

but on a more grave note, there must be something going on between the doll and joey, because she even took loyal's grungy bandanna off her neck and put it up on the gravedigger's rear-vision mirror. hopefully someone finds it there and throws it in the garbage where it truly belongs. i think i've discovered what direction her look is going in next, though : 90's gothic cheerleader.

today, she donned a black lace top, lavender schoolgirl skirt and a spike dog collar around her ankle. people in the streets were actualy running in the opposite direction to get away from her. and, sadly, joey and trotsky are seemingly following the trend - the two were both wearing matching jean jackets. say it ain't so!

now, believe it or not, but the front pages think that joey is in town to help jimmy move on with his life. the dailies have reported that the two are prepared to go into business for themselves. they should go into the drug-dealing business; i'm sure they'd be just tip-top at that. instead, the brothers kiss are planning on launching a magazine. jimmy wants to take photographs and joey wants to scout out the talent to feature.

they're forgetting one key element to a periodical, however, and have kept quiet on hiring a staff of writers. i'm not surprised - i doubt neither jimmy nor joey knows how to spell. if this shit really does happen, it's most certainly going to be the worst magazine in the history of magazines. the pages will be made out of old foilies and pieces of garbage and the columns will probably be written in blood. give up now, kisses!

in closing, joey may be swell and all, but if he and the doll become an item, i'm walking. she needs to learn - kat + kiss = star-crossed.

kathleen to fans : "if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck"

more like : if it ain't cokey babble, it ain't kathleen

i'd advise you to take off your belt, wrap it tight 'round your arm and get your vein ready - it's time to slam some words of wisdom from the doll.

Q: So just how did you break up with Jimmy Kiss? He still seems pretty heartbroken.
A: i told him LOOK KISS, IT'S BEEN REAL AND IT'S BEEN FUN - BUT IT AIN'T BEEN REAL FUN

Q: Just how many people have you slept with?
A: THIS QUESTION HAS NO WRONG ANSWER

Q: What do you miss most about Jimmy Kiss?
A: HIS GROWL

Q: I saw Heidi Gretchen Alberkraut and Loyal locked in conversation last night at the Riot House. He was feeding her drinks all night and she had her hand on his thigh. Later on, I saw them again, flirting in the smoking area. Your thoughts?
A: they totally banged that night

Q: Just saying - I would pray if I were you.
A: okay, i'll start right now - GOD OF ATOM, GOD OF THINE' ALL THE WORLD OF POWER IS MINE

Q: Have you ever been to jail before? I mean, besides the drunk tank.
A: LURK MORE - the drunk tank is my kind of tank

Q: I read that you were once jailed for publically beating Jimmy Kiss in the street. Any truth in that?
A: NONE - it was trotsky; we were high on mushrooms and went streaking down lookout mountain

Q: How long will it take you to learn that drugs are bad?
A: i don't understand

Q: What a great role model you are - taking heroin and talking about Satan. There will be a special place reserved in hell for you.
A: this planet doesn't deserve me - HELL NEEDS ME

Q: You've been in the spotlight for years...do you even have any friends left?
A: HEROIN IS DOPE

Q: My friends tell me that you'll fuck on the first date - I've got some warm booze and a joint waiting for you in the backseat of my car with your name on it.
A: FUNNY - what kind of car you drive?

Q: I drive a 90's import.
A: SEE YOU @ 9 BABE

Q: Leather jackets or jean jackets?
A: DUH, jean

Q: You are such a stupid little girl...how does it feel to be just another average Cielo airhead?
A: KISS U KNOW I'M ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: I hope you enjoy your time with Loyal...you know he's just going to get while the getting's good when it's his time - don't take it personally! Honestly, we're all waiting for the day you realize it was a mistake to leave Jimmy and go crawling back to him.
A: ROFL - the day i go crawling back to kiss is the day is have a tag on my toe

Q: Are you still relevant?
A: well, i have three unanswered bags of mail so...U TELL ME SMARTGUY

Q: What do I have to do to hang out with you?
A: BLOW..........and lots of it

Q: Do you miss the Gravedigger?
A: LIKE IT WAS MY RIGHT TIT - cruising around on the back of loyal's motorbike doesn't quite cut it

Q: Do you actually live on Lonesome Lane?
A: I NEVER TELL A LIE - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DOLL ON THE PLANET, 10050 LONESOME LANE, CIELO

Q: What is your idea of a good time?
A: jacking the heat in my house up to 73 degrees and running around with no clothes on

Q: What's the story with HEP!?
A: there is no story - it's a moving picture. THE ANTI-STORY

Q: Correct me if I am wrong, but Trotsky is gay, right?
A: trotsky is so much more than that

Q: Johnny Frigiletti - who is he?
A: he was trotsky's rent boy - now ludo ludovic is - and does everything media-related for the camp. he survived the 312 bloodbath and went on to finish DIG! by his lonesome and is currently working on HEP!

Q: Jimmy Kiss, Beau Goodman, Maynard B. Alberkraut and Loyal the Lost Boy - what have you learned?
A: if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck

Q: What happened to the Doll we once knew and loved?
A: i don't know how to tell you this, but she's long gone - BOX CITY SWEETHEART

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: black - like my heart

Q: Do you ever answer questions seriously or is it just that you never get any serious questions?
A: well, that all depends - R U BEING SRS?

Q: Which Kiss brother do you think is cuter - Jimmy or Joey?
A: JOHNNY

Q: I've been seeing Joey Kiss roaming around Cielo lately; does this mean you finally moved him into the Love Shack?
A: yes but don't tell his big brother - JIMMY WILL TAKE TWO SHITS AND DIE

Q: Can we bang? Like no joke - dead up.
A: SURPRISE ME

Q: I would die if I met you! The first time I saw you, you were topless and flipping off a crowd of people. Then you sort of passed out on the stairs on your way down.
A: TYPICAL DOLL

that's my girl! topless one second and unconscious the next.

the doll wants to run away to the big rock of nose candy mountains

she needs 'hab like there is no tomorrow

you already know what this is about, for whenever kathleen starts going on her drug-free tour - it means she's everything but clean.

the front pages reported today that 'those close to' baby babble have come forward in an effort to help rehabilitate her from drugs and alcohol. they told the papers that she started doing blow again at the freak fest; mates fear that the doll's habit will get worse, and she'll go spiraling off the deep end.

please. the day kathleen stops doing drugs is the day all the dealers' hearts in the world stop beating. this will never happen. also, everyone knows baby babble dines on a breakfast of crack rock cereal with whiskey milk, heroin and cocain speedball sandwiches for lunch and a casserole made out of foilies, broken glass, crushed-up klonopins, fentanly strips and 40s for dinner - she has been for ages and won't quit until the fat lady sings. let's just give her some air and let her snort lines until her heart is content. i don't care what the front pages say - she likes the drugs and the drugs like her back! i guess the cat's out of the bag. she's high! she's high all of the time. she'd have to be, anyways, to wear that gross, crack smoke-stained bandanna.

the best part was when one of the sources said that when he pleaded with kathleen to go to a rehabilitation centre, she punched him in the nose and ran away. okay, you know that was maynard b. 'kraut! you just know it.

he added that she had trotsky hooked on 'dope' now - after injecting him with heroin for the first time. he also said he witnessed her shoot up other people, including one time, where the doll 'injected a young girl as she lie unconscious on on her kitchen floor.' say what? well, i guess if you grab a lethargic person by the hair and shake their head up and down, they just said, "yes, please slam me full of drugs."

the dailies did point out, though, something truly disturbing. they noted that essentially every time the beautiful one is strung out, she does the same shit! like, that filthy bandanna has replaced last year's nasty ballet slippers; loyal is the new jimmy kiss and cielo is like arcadia - only with far better speed. kathleen still eats candy, but i'm sure she'll continue to do that until her teeth rot out of her skull. trust.

kathleen piledrives her cherished gravedigger into the riot house

in a series of sad and totally predictable events, the doll crashed her beloved black townhearse, affectionately nicknamed 'the gravedigger,' into the front foyer of the riot house last night, also sending her french grand piano to the great cocktail lounge in the sky.

she had just finished logging some considerable hours in the bar, which is located in the basement of the hotel. around one in the morning, kathleen, acting sneaky like a snake, snuck the keys from headlock's pocket and then headed off with mates to spacecruise around cielo and laugh about what a tool headlock is. or, as rocko j. nasty calls him, "headcock."

witnesses, also known as the flashers, said that they saw her drive around the blow a couple of times, race down the wrong side of the road and, after hopping a curb, crashed into the riot house. forget that! i say the riot house crashed into her.

the front pages were the first to allege that maybe, oh, i don't know, the doll was dancing on a cloud of heroin smoke or skiing down a mountain of blow when all of this went down - maybe both - but i'm not sold. there are plenty of explanations for this :

1.) she was trying to run jimmy kiss over

2.) she was trying to run beau badman over

3.) it was a futile suicide attempt

4.) the wheel slipped away from her

5.) she doesn't know how to park

6.) she thought trotsky was driving

7.) she didn't know that she couldn't do that

everyone knows that her license has pretty much been suspended since the day she got it - but the cops are forgiving her, on account of all the grief she is getting over the freak fest. the chief of police, and i kid you not, said that they were going to clear all charges, because, "she has enough on her plate." she has nothing on her plate and everyone knows it!

fanmail of the freak fest

the beautiful one was sweet enough to take time out of her super busy schedule of rioting, drugging writers, setting fires, overturning police cars and running around naked to answer some fanmail during the festival.

why the freak fest is still relevant i have no clue. but hey, since it is, here are the answers to the letters that were piling up at kathleen's feet backstage - bear in mind, she claims to have written it on the third morning, when she was probably high on drugs! there is a ghostwriter behind this...i'm just saying!

Q: How's the Freak Fest so far?
A: it's the coolest party i've ever hosted

Q:Is it true that you took your top off during your set?
A: OH YA SURE - I TOOK MY PANTS OFF 2!

Q: I'm sure that you are really loving the Freak Fest, but don't you miss the comforts of Cielo just a little bit?
A: yes - i miss the coston fox; cruising around in the gravedigger, pumping bollywood music, annoying headlock....i also miss hot showers like a motherbear

Q:The Coston Fox? Is that a code name for something?
A: THE COSTON FOX IS SO REAL, HE DOESN'T NEED A NAME - his name actually is the coston fox

Q: How hot is it there, in Monticello, right now?
A: it's hot enough that loyal's eyes are two fried eggballs. it's hot enough that kids aren't selling drugs - they're bootlegging bottled waters. it's hot enough that sodapop is complaining, OH WAIT....LOL!

Q: £4 for a bottle of measly water? Is this a joke?
A: NOPE, YOU FORGOT 2 ADD ON THE SALES TAX! STUPID!

Q: I live in Monticello myself and you've got to tell me - when it comes to camping at the Freak Fest, who is a big crybaby and who is a bigger crybaby?
A: TROTSKY; SODAPOOP. DUH. i pushed soda in the mud yesterday and he was glaring razorblades at me for the rest of the afternoon - trotsky has about thirty mosquito bites because he simply refuses to wear anything other than glitter and gold lamé hotpants!

Q: So, just how is Trotsky holding up?
A: he. and. ludo. won't. stop. raving. HOW AM I HOLDING UP IS THE QUESTION. and not very well is the answer, when it comes to those two.

Q: So, is Jimmy cool with you hanging around his little brother?
A: oh yeah, he's absolutely psyched about it

Q: You know, I keep reading about you and Joey Kiss, but I bet you and Jimmy Kiss will be back together in no time...
A: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i'd rather be hung by my toes and have my eyeballs gouged out with two, red-hot fire pokers!

Q: Wait a second - are you with Joey Kiss or are you with Loyal the Lost Boy?
A: I STILL GOT MY BANDANNA ON, DON'T I?

Q: What is your favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: COCAINE

Q: What is Trotsky's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: rolling in glitter and holding hands with ludo

Q:What is Sodapop's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: flapping his lips, being a big baby huey

Q:What are the Lost Boys' favorite Freak Fest pastimes?
A: STEALING HUBCAPS, STUD CIGARETTES AND HEROIN

Q: I would never pay a dime for the Freak Fest - long lines, hot weather and outrageous prices just to see you? Please!
A: LOL WUT A GIP, RIGHT? i guess the 700,00 people who bought tickets aren't as smart as you

Q: I read that people weren't buying tickets...just sneaking in through the Freak Wall...any truth to that?
A: GO 2 PANEL 777, KNOCK 7 TIMES, USE THE PASSWORD "I FORGOT" - my goons will let you just walk right in!

Q: What is your favorite Lost Boys song?
A: "MARY LIKES 2 SHOOT DARTS"

Q: Trotsky's cute...does he have any brothers?
A: he has a sister, gibby - BUT PAWS OFF! sodapop's going steady with her

Q: Gibby, what a pretty name - I'll be she's a looker!
A: yeah, she looks just like her brother - WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?

Q:I read that the high of the first day was 103°! Got a sunburn yet?
A: no, but i have 33 bugbites - calamine lotion and i are one

Q:Who are the Hell Boys?
A: a bunch of pansies who are giving cielo a bad reputation

Q: What did the Hell Boys say to make the Lost Boys so angry?
A: the hell boys said, "the lost boys were jewelry and pink panties." boy, that really bent rocko j. nasty out of shape - EVERYONE KNOWS HE WEARS PURPLE PANTIES!

Q: Have fun with your little party of freaks - I'll bet Jimmy Kiss is glad to be rid of you!
A: LOL I KNOW - THE FLOPHOUSE IS SUCH A STEP UP

Q: Who is and isn't on your guestlist for backstage?
A: IS: joey kiss, trotsky, ludo ludovic, sodapop, gibby bastien, maynard, heidi gretchen alberkraut
ISN'T: jimmy kiss, beau goodman, the fence

Q: I heard that you got in a fight with Heidi Gretchen backstage, because...she is blonde and you are blonde; Loyal had drunkenly confused you for her and the two were flirting...any truth in that?
A: ROFL NONE - i pulled my knife out, onstage, because she was calling loyal a "hood" and a "JD," because he was drunker than a skunk and falling asleep sitting up

Q: Okay, I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't Gibby, like, only 16 years old? Come on, are you for real?
A: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AGE

Q: And while we're on the topic of age - isn't Loyal only 17?
A: WRONG!!!!!!!!! HE'S 17 AND A HALF!

kathleen gets an A+ for effort with me, but i'd really love to meet the people who send these questions in. all i know is, i have a lot of questions for the doll and none of them involve soda's favorite pastime or if jimmy gives a shit that joey and kathleen are chummy chums. my inquests are more along the lines of : "what the hell is the matter with you?" and, "what's with the bandanna?" and, "are you still trying to make this 90's thing happen?"

this is the best photograph of jimmy kiss....ever

jimmy kiss, the wet mop

jimmy kiss isn't getting the hint. ever since the doll dumped his ass for loyal, she asked him to kindly pack up and leave...only he won't pack up and leave. today, headlock had to put his things out on the curb of kathleen's 10050 lonesome lane home. then, when jimmy realized what was up, he casually tried to slink off to the riot house, where he was then casually denied room and board. he thinks he's slick!

there was no confirmation, however, as to if jimmy used the line, "don't you know who i am?" too bad, he should have tried it. riot house staff could have then responded, "yes, we do! and that's the problem." then again, they could have also said, "no, we don't! and that's the way it's staying." shit, why not try them both?

speaking of flophouses, kathleen might be joining jimmy soon - word on the street has it that kathleen is as broke as a joke. and no, it's not going up her nose - insiders say that she's footing the bill for the freak fest and hasn't an extra penny to her name. if you ask me, that's a crock of shit. she's got partners and backers just like everybody else. for, if it comes down to the doll choosing between her festival or her foilies - foilies wins every time.

oh yeah loyal, get some of that pancake butt

as so cryptically revealed in this week's hep parade magazine, as well as other highly accredited sources, we now know the reason why kathleen is not getting freaky with jimmy kiss anymore - it's because she's getting freaky with loyal the lost boy!

the lost boys, according to street legend, are a pack of young, greasy trainhopping punks who roam the streets in search of the wayward american dream. they busk for their dope dinner, possess only the clothes on their backs and if you believe the word around the campfire, they are here for the doll. she gave them a regular gig at the riot house every tuesday. there are rumors flying around that they will help her and the pretty people create a festival to take place sometime during this summer.

now, even though jimmy has moved all of his worldly belongings - two trilbies, a pair of black denim jeans and his most-cherished dinger - back into the love shack, that does not mean she's still his baby babble. she proved that last night after she let loyal get to second base. hey, she's not sharing needles with jimmy anymore - she's a free agent.

the best part of the night came at the riot house nightclub - flashers have been pressuring the doll all week to come clean about her relationship with loyal. she must be tired of all the bullying, because she took the opportunity to say, "well, he did give me his knife - since the piggies took mine away," and then she pulled her knife out from the sheath on her hip. you know none of those photographers were the least bit scared; kathleen's had them knocking on death's door more times than few.

and, that knife isn't the only thing he gave her - someone forgot to mention the addition of one filthy, stinking bandanna to her wardrobe, which she proudly decided to sport last night like some sort of cute necklace, when it was anything but. hopefully she decides to retire this look soon, or else...