i don't like jokes, so i don't find this very funny.....

the million dollar brat is expecting a brat of her very own

okay, i don't even know where to begin. my head has just barely stopped spinning from the news about kathleen and joey's sudden engagement and now the papers are reporting that the one and only doll has a bun in the oven. and no, reporters didn't squeeze the news out of sodapop for once - it was kathleen herself who proudly phoned the dailies' office early today to confirm the good news. still, it was to no avail - this morning's headlines rang like an obituary : ARCADIAN ROYALTY, KATHLEEN AND JOEY KISS, PLANNING SHOTGUN WEDDING. 

those sick dickheads! i mean, she gave them an inch and they took a mile. i don't know; if you ask me, this whole thing stinks like a sleazy, old-fashioned feat for publicity. think about it - the doll's new year's resolutions were to - you guessed it - do boatloads of cocaine this coming year! i guess she'll have to forget all about that now; because, being knocked up means giving up almost everything she lives for : chasing the dragon, guzzling 40s, jumping rope, taking fat rips off of a frosty bong, doing the twist to oldies music, taking whippets, smoking ciggies and slamming speedballs. well, sucks to be her! i'm going to do tons of speedballs out of my frosty bong while skipping rope and make her so jealous. so, before kathleen gets ahead of herself and enrolls in lamaze classes, she can go ahead and check herself into the nearest rehab - let's get the future best mother of this galaxy a little detoxification and she'll be good to go.

speaking of, also featured in today's paper was the backlash on the doll's baby broadcast. everybody and their dog tripped over themselves to get in the dailies and say something about it! joey said, "the word around the campfire is true - kathleen and i are as happy as a dog with two tails. we really only got the news ourselves, but we wanted to be the first to spill to the fence."

sodapop cola said, "i just can't wait to teach the little angel how to swear and flip people off." um....yeah, right, soda - more like teach the little angel how to dial the flashers to leak information at the drop of a dime.

headlock said, "i'm happy for the kids." from there he began to dribble on about how he wanted to be a part of the kiss family.....or something. he said, "i would love nothing more than to be front row throughout the kid's life.....i'll build the baby a soapbox car to race in, maybe be the one to give him his first beer and play catch with him in the yard - i'll be like grandpa headlock." um, earth to gramps - it's not 1934! there are no soapbox car races anymore! that shit hasn't been around for a long time. and, just how old is headlock going to be when kathleen and joey's baby is ready for their first beer? 316 years old? get your head out of the clouds, grandpa!

for the rest of the spread, reporters rounded up all of kathleen's old rent boys - even the stinky rat beau badman crawled out of the sewer to make a statement - and the lads each gave their own sincere response.

loyal said, "on behalf of the lost boys, we'd like to congratulate the happy couple and say that we all can't wait to corrupt the little lamb. also, the hell boys want me to say that shortly after the birth, your kid is going to be inducted as an honorary member of their gang. if there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask." gross - i wouldn't let those drooling, bandanna-donning punks anywhere near my kid, even with a blood test and hazmat suit.

maynard b. alberkraut opted for his classic role of sappy romantic and - aside from making it seem like he was still in love with kathleen - gushed, "despite her reputation, she was born to be a mother; and with joey, her child will not only be blessed with beauty, but brains as well. i wish for them nothing but the stars and hope that kathleen's pregnancy goes smoothly." okay, i can totally see joey throwing the doll a 'really?' look the entire time he read maynard's contribution - i know that i did."

beau, in-between wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and taking fat slugs out of a flask, followed maynard's suit and targeted the doll in his statement. beau said, "got any heroin?" no, i'm kidding. he said, "wowie zowie, doll, i never thought i'd see the day where you were with child. i'll bet that you end up having the toughest baby in the whole wide world - in fact, i hope you do. i'm glad that someone could make you happy - lord knows i tried." sadly, that actually wasn't a joke - beau is pretty deluded. the former fling of kathleen's wrapped up his soapbox set on a lighter note, with, "i hope your old man - they tell me his name is joey - continues to do good by you. if he doesn't, you know that you can always call me." LOL @ that nonsense! i'm sure the doll would sooner gargle battery acid.

lastly, jimmy kiss - joey's older brother - kept from sobbing and through gritted teeth, remarked, "congratulations to them both - i'll bet joey will be a great father and i just know i'm going to have to spoil the hell out of that brat. l'chaim!" well, give him all the candies and toys that you want, but keep him away from the blow! if the child truly is of doll descent, one dance with the white lady would surely be one dances too many!

baby babble got the last laugh and said, "i've been knocked up all of fifteen minutes and aliens vacationing on saturn's rings have already sent their congratulations. mind your own goddamn business or i'll sic joey on you." then, she added, "and did i hallucinate or did beau goodman actually address me? i thought he was dead already...." okay, kathleen didn't say the last part, but i'm sure that she wanted to. she really should have - for her baby's sake.

in other doll news, her puppy dog - wingnut - made the morning news when he slithered underneath the kiss cradle gates at four this morning and began scampering down lisbon drive. one of the beautiful one's candid photographers - on a stakeout for pregnancy snapshots - spotted the pup. he rang the telephone number listed on wingnut's tag - kathleen answered, mumbled inaudibly for a moment and, before slamming the receiver down, screamed "go fuck yourself!" naturally, the flasher's next call was to the local arcadian television station. wingnut roamed around the stage set for most of the morning, until kathleen phoned in and began bitching out the television anchors for kidnapping her dog! without even so much as a warning, the doll barged onto the scene as the news was airing live and demanded the return of her beloved puppy. there has never been a soul that said no to the million dollar brat and lived to tell the story, so wingnut was placed back in the loving arms of his master.

kathleen made her grand exit off of the programme, following a dig at the kisses' offspring - the lead news lady kidded, "let's hope, for your sake, that your seed is smarter than wingnut and stays inside the gates." the doll smashed a tray of coffee cups and called the anchorwoman a, "cunt who lives on asshole avenue in loserland." then, baby babble kicked up her ballet slippers and stormed out of the station; but not before she flipped off the cameras, still recording live. that's my girl!

the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

ludo ludovic is welcomed into the pretty people club with open arms

a couple of days ago, after the doll broke headlock's arm, her camp announced that they would be hiring ludo ludovic to temporarily fill his position. today, however, kathleen announced that he would be coming on board permanently and that he would be moving into 1999 lisbon drive - or as it is now fittingly known to this planet and the surrounding galaxies : 'the kiss cradle.' i don't know why she's being so hasty - maybe ludo knows where to score the good drugs in the easy street hills. maybe it's because christmas is coming up in the next couple of days. on the other hand, there's word that it's because his grandmother is a heavyweight in the publishing world and baby babble is manipulating the staff to help her write ☺. funny, because everyone knows that the doll's books are ghostwritten by satan's enslaved sluts; her books come straight from the deep, deep fiery pits of hell and are bound by their charred souls. duh.

now, because ludovic is so young and susceptible to the doll's witchy charms - much like trotsky once was before she eventually corrupted him - the fence is suggesting that she is trying to fill the hole in her heart where trotsky used to live with ludo. kathleen called bullshit on the gossip and said, "no one will ever be able to replace trotsky. with that being said, i found someone to replace trotsky - his name is ludo ludovic." wow, with the way that the beautiful one has been going on and on about trotsky, i wouldn't be surprised if she buried him in the backyard of her home in arcadia. in addition to ludo, she also asked her brother - sodapop cola - to move back in and look after the property. i'm guessing this has something to do with the fact that ludo is built like a girl and soda is built like a brick shithouse.

in other doll news, she was a picture of ladylike behavior today downtown on the arcadian high road. she was shopping at an affluent boutique for all the 'it' people, when one of the shop slaves came up and demanded that she leave! the million dollar brat asked why and the worked said, "because you smell like cigarette smoke." say what?????

i can't believe my eyeballs, but i'm sure i read that right. no one calls the doll smelly and lives to tell the story! anyways, i guess the kid told kathleen that she needed to vamoose, because she was still stinking up the joint; so, the beautiful one remained still as a statue. then, with ever so much grace and dignity, she rooted in her satchel, produced a ciggie and immediately started puffing away on it. security was called and you know the rest - but at least kathleen got the last laugh! i'm really quite surprised that she didn't return later with a can of gasoline and burn the place down! that boutique really got off easy, i'm telling you..............

the doll makes a futile attempt to kill headlock

joey buys her motorbike as early christmas gift; she nearly maims headlock with it

a couple of weeks ago, while the doll and her young kiss were on holiday in grimaldi, joey came across a vintage motorcycle being peddled by a real live greaser and knew that he just had to buy it for baby babble. when joey called and had it rerouted to their new easy street hills home in arcadia, it ended up arriving earlier than expected; so, joey decided to let kathleen open it early. i think we all know where this is going...............

within moments of turning the key to 'on,' she had totaled the bike - with headlock riding bitch. a frantic joey rushed the two to hospital. kathleen is fine - she'll probably outlive us all - but headlock broke his left arm, wrist and cracked a rip as well. while she was talking to doctors, she confessed that she hadn't eaten all day long, took some quaaludes and guzzled a couple of drinks before the crash, sure, but she wasn't tipsy. um, only a couple drinks? come on, doll, don't kid yourself! try a couple bottles. and quaaludes? where did you manage those from? a time capsule from 1974? she also told headlock that he should have known that he was driving her to drink.....and drive.......

her brother told the papers that, not to worry, baby babble's camp had already sent for ludo ludovic - trotsky's old rent-boy - to replace grandpa headlock until he feels better. they also contracted out the help of a specialist to repair kathleen's broken motorbike. okay, can someone please give me a good reason as to why in the fuck are they fixing the 'cycle back up? that thing is a deathtrap and if the million dollar brat isn't careful, she'll be the next asshole walking into hospital with a broken arm - or worse.

speaking of which, i'll bet headlock wishes that day would come sooner rather than later - because katty cakes was a straight up bitch to him while he was hurting. the doll said that she was seconds away from demanding a prescription-strength bullet in the head and ending it all, since headlock wouldn't shut the fuck up! she said that he was in so much pain and crying like such a skirt that is was "tear-jerking to see him in such a state." and by that, kathleen of course means that she thought long and hard about suffocating him with one of the hospital's flatter-than-cardboard pillows. i say, in her defense, she's a writer - not a nurse. caring about people isn't part of her gig.

hopefully, for her sake, while the doll was in hospital she asked for a quick vitamin transfusion - because she is beginning to look a little on the ratty side yet again. on the other hand, it could be for the reason that the million dollar morphine brat conned the doctors out of a couple of narcotic pain injections for her on the low-low. sodapop joked to the press that is made his sister so loopy, she started dancing in the hallway of the emergency room until she fell down and passed out for a little disco nap. to that i say - damn! kathleen needs to get me the street name of that shit.

the million dollar brat draws up blueprints for arcadian riot house

shit, there's nothing quite like the comforts of home, are there? since she's totally beyond skid row mentally, the doll is bringing everything that reminds her of cielo. the only thing that she's going to be missing is beau badman, but i'm sure he'll find some reason to slither back to arcadia that doesn't involve kathleen whatsoever.

her first call was to mate rudy rubideaux, who helped her open the first riot house in cielo. rudy also lent a hand in introducing jimmy kiss to gibby bastien - sister of deceased caretaker trotsky - and the two have since been going steady. word has it that the doll told rudy, "just remember one thing for me - although it will be adorned with riot house regalia, it will not be the same scene as cielo. it will be bigger, better and meaner. it will be the kind of place that you don't want your kid to go." oh, don't worry your pretty little head, baby babble; i'm sure that the riot house is already a place parents don't want their kids to go.

hep parade agreed to front her money because they've probably come to the realization by now that she won't move to arcadia unless all of her stupid stipulations are met. the doll's boss said, "if opening a second riot house will make her feel more at home, then by all means, let's open a second riot house." you know what else makes the doll feel at home? smoking foilies - but you don't see sammy (burns, head of hep parade) tripping over themselves to meet such an inquiry, now do you?

in other doll news, she angered a bunch of her fans off today when she abandoned an appearance and was later found swilling hooch by the flashers. damn! kathleen responded by saying, "and this is news?"

headlock then shoved her aside and offered the fence some priceless advice, "i've learned to not get on the bad side of those who speedball." i'm sure that this will be the epitaph on his gravestone someday.

the beautiful one's camp took their sweet time commenting, with, "minutes before the event was to begin, kathleen was compelled to regretfully cancel a scheduled reading in downtown cielo after feeling ill. soon after, she was photographed at a bar nearby her home, sparking fictional stories that she traded in work for play today - which is just sadistic." no, the sadistic shit here comes from kathleen's representative who is trying to trick us into believing that the doll was at home being sick when we all know that she was on her knees, snorting lines off of the toilet seats in said afore mentioned bar! i mean, and i'm not rocket scientist or anything, but it wasn't that hard to put two and two together. furthermore, those weren't 'stomach paints' you were feeling, doll - it was your body crying out in horror from the malnourishment.

Q: are you writing this from inside trotsky's coffin?

A: DUH

um, is it just me or is kathleen a handful of pills away from ending it all? if you don't agree now, perhaps you will after reading her latest installment for hep parade.

Q: Mulholland or the Isle of Grimaldi?
A: grimaldi - going to mulholland makes me want to slit my wrists

Q: You know, for Trotsky's sake, you shouldn't joke about wanting to kill yourself.
A: you think i'm kidding

Q: When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: i wanted to be able to write a mean book; and now, my books are so mean, that they never call their mother

Q: So, just how did you get your reputation?
A: by being the bitch that nobody wants to be

Q: No, really - how did someone like you get to be so famous?
A: someone like me???? um, i used to be the prettiest doll in arcadia and now i'm the prettiest doll in cielo

Q: I thought HEP! was a great dedication to the friendship that you and Trotsky shared - congratulations.
A: you obviously didn't 'get' HEP! then

Q: You are such a stupid slut. Do humankind a favor and disappear - you can take your little party dresses and your dollies with you.
A: many a true word spoken in jest

Q: If only you knew the people that I have keeping tabs on you - you would probably think twice about the things you do.
A: HEADLOCK??????????????? WTF i've done nothing incriminating.........yet

Q: I read a gossip report recently that said you fell asleep during a phone interview and cited the reason as you were "high as a kite off of heroin" - any truth in this?
A: I THINK DOPE IS DOPE - what's it to you?

Q: Are you a morning person?
A: NO WAY - especially not today. someone had been calling me all morning since 666 o'clock. some of us still live fast and die young, you know? and it just had to be someone from the fence! none of my friends wake up that early - they stay up that late

Q: I'm sure that you're tired of being badgered about Trotsky and all the elements surrounding his death, but I've always had a question about him and figured it was now or never - why did Trotsky select the 69th room at the Riot House as his suite?
A: R U FUCKING WITH ME? trotsky was as camp as a row of pink tents

Q: What did you think when Hep Parade Magazine told you to write another fanmail piece?
A: I THOUGHT 'O GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT DETH IN NOVEMBER

Q: I miss the normal Kathleen - when is she coming back to Planet Earth?
A: ROFL - WHEN WAS I 'NORMAL?'

Q: You probably won't spill, but were you the one who gave Trotsky the 'barbies?'
A: well, that depends - is it a crime that the pigs just write a little ticket for; or is it a crime where they puts my hands behind my back and wrap those darling silver bracelets around my wrists?

Q: Why the Jimmy tattoo?
A: U SAY 'WHY?' - I SAY 'WHY NOT?'

Q: Could you give me an estimate of the percentage of people around you that snort coke?
A: 100% this is cielo DUH

Q: Gibby Bastien is naturally gorgeous, whereas you have to pancake your makeup on and yet you still look like you rolled out of the grave. I'm glad Jimmy Kiss has moved onto a more mature woman and left the little girl in the playground.
A: WTF? playground.....grave.....natural.......U CAN SAY WHATEVER, BUT GIB HAS YET 2 ENTER THE 10050

Q: What is the last thing Trotsky said to you?
A: "doll, i can't breathe in here."

Q: Well, then what's the last thing that you said to Trotsky?
A: "but, baby, you are safe - in here."

it's almost like kathleen has spent one too many hours hovering over her favorite framed picture of trotsky, blowing lines. she probably thinks she can talk to his ghost now too. quick! someone check the doll's pulse - i want to be 100% sure that she's still with us.

jimmy kiss and not-kathleen

as if being dumped by joey and trotsky's untimely death wasn't enough for kathleen to process, jimmy kiss has gone and found someone new to hold hands with! and no, it's not the white lady. her name is gibby bastien and she is the sister of, well, duh - abbie bastien = trotsky = gib's brother. and no, they didn't meet at the funeral; that would be funny though....

jimmy met gibby though rudy rubideaux, the prosperous nightclub and hotel entrepreneur; rudy just recently opened the club de luxe and also assisted kathleen in the opening of the riot house - but gibby "isn't in the business," jimmy said. get this - she's a librarian. he also said that she doesn't even do drugs! WTF? surely this shit will never last. i give it one hot minute before jimmy starts trying to smoke, snort or slam everything in sight.

now, i'm sure somewhere in the back of the doll's little pea brain, she's always figured that jimmy would come crawling back sooner or later to wash her feet with his tears, but this gibby character completely blows that theory to shit. the beautiful one was informed of this sordid romance by - no surprises here - the flashers. they told her that gibby was going around to the fence and badmouthing baby babble, saying evil things like, "she really did a number on my baby," and, "jimmy wouldn't touch kathleen with a ten-foot pole now; he was really hurt."

okay, doll, it's time to break out your magic witch potions and lotions - there's a dumb slut running around cielo that is just asking to have a hex put on her. now, let's break it down : first of all, gibby, jimmy kiss has been kathleen's baby since the thirteenth of forever - don't get it twisted. and, oh yeah, i'm sure that jimmy really hurt when katty warbucks dried up and stopped shelling out the dough for his every want and need!

the funny thing is, after the reporters told her about jimmy and his new girl, kiss tried to pull a fast one when he went over to the 10050 to pick up some of his leftover junk - he had the audacity to bring gibby with him! wild honeypie wasn't fooled and insisted that headlock do something about it - or else she, her shovel and her .45 would. so, when headlock strolled down to the main gates to let them in, he told jimmy, "oh, i'm sorry, we must have forgotten to tell you - you can come in, jimmy, but your trash will have to stay on the curb with the rest of the garbage." LOL! even old headlock still knows how to make kiss blush. jimmy left in a huff shortly thereafter, settling the score to jimmy : 0, kat :1..

and, is it just me or are jimmy and the doll still in love with each other? i mean, jimmy's new meal ticket / girlfriend bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain beautiful blonde doper that we all know and worship. i'm just saying - i think baby babble has an evil twin running around cielo and she's simultaneously banging jimmy kiss. then again, the million dollar brat was getting busy with his younger brother, joey, who looks exactly like him. and i mean exactly - from the glazed-over, heroin-induced look in his eye to the trilby atop his head.

in other doll news, the pretty people club president announced during a radio interview that she's afraid to sleep at the riot house now. evidently, the last time she did, she had a nightmare about trotsky. now she believes his ghost to haunt the property and thinks that he keeps her up all night. i know, i think kathleen is full of it too - it's just an excuse for all that speed tea she drinks. it was during her cokey babble, though, that she revealed she would be locking up trotsky's suite in the hotel - which, believably and unbelievably is room number 69 - and throw away the key. i'm sure trotsky would have done the same thing if he could be in her situation, but you know jimmy wouldn't! the second that the doll flatlined, kiss would be out on the bethel strip, trying to hock bootlegs of her latest book or offer to let people take photographs with her corpse.

if you ask me, i think it's about time that we close the book on jimmy kiss. he and his low-rent, tap water high school version of kathleen can pack up their crackpipes, trilbies and knockoff kinderslut dresses and hit the road!

HEP! premieres; hailed as - you guessed it - award winning material

HEP! : because the eight-balls don't buy themselves, baby

the million dollar brat has only been mourning trotsky's untimely death for less than a week and her cold-blooded company has already demanded that she return to work!

sadly, HEP! was supposed to start gracing the silver screens only a day after the news of trotsky's death broke. without delay, wild honeypie cancelled the event and didn't even issue an apology; then, she went and had the first edition of the pretty people club - featuring the piece "the million dollar brat" - pulled off of the shelves, because it is damaging to the memory of trotsky or some bullshit. in short, the article included him downing drugs at the doll buffet. yet, her camp at hep parade  finally said, "we're not asking - we're telling," and then they told kathleen to get her ass back to work!

so, the premiere of HEP! took place tonight at cosmic charlie's cosmic disco because the riot house has been under strong police surveillance - and critics have already floated the moving picture as a nominee for several moving picture awards. the film has also garnished four and a half stars out o the possible five - but who's counting?

there was a small party held before the event and all the pretty people were in attendance. katty cakes managed to get the reclusive and notorious motorcycle gang, the hell boys, to come out and play for the opening night. they probably heard their mating call of black tar heroin crackling on tinfoil and the clinks of whiskey bottles and came a-runnin'.

no, sodapop cracked the dead bolt on his loose lips and opened up to the fence; soda said that his sister's people did it because, um, well, kathleen's been a goddamn stage sixteen mess ever since trotsky croaked. those close to her say that the doll's worse than ever - she has been secluded in her 10050 love shack home since the news hit and takes mostly to her bed. mates say that she has her drug dealers coming in and out of the house at all hours; consequentially, headlock phoned up the hell boys and asked them to come watch over the property.

"it's been really nutty," sodapop told photographers, "the fence's presence is pretty heavy. we've only had the TV on once - we looked out the window and saw ourselves look out the window through the television." furthermore - and on more than one occasion, too - the doll has been so far gone, that she spaced locking her house and gates; friends fear that something unfortunate could be in the works if she doesn't watch it.

the lost boys were there too, stinking up the place with a stench similar to a high school football team's dirty gym socks. yet even with all of those familiar faces beaming back at her from the audience, kathleen fled long before the movie was finished. those in attendance say that she couldn't bring herself to sit through the entire movie, as it pretty much features trotsky in every scene. joey was seen later escorting the doll home. well, at least she got to toast the memory of her dearly departed friend before she left - she held a champagne tribute before the movie commenced and said, "this is for you, trotsky - i wish you could be here with us tonight, but that's cool. save me a spot in rock 'n' roll heaven and i'll be there before you know it." okay that was a little dark - even for her. after giving her self-eulogy, kathleen downed her drink and one and then jetted out the door.

in other doll news, the riot house was re-opened last night and every single room was taken out of vacancy within a matter of hours. and i mean every room - there was even a point in the night where people were even asking if they could rent out portions of the rose gardens to set up tents like some kind of goddamn gypsy camp! those requests were denied, naturally, as the gardens are still off limits to guests, due to the recent loss of trotsky.

speaking of, trotsky's cause of death has been ruled accidental - and, yes, he was taking drugs at the time of his worldly departure. lots and lots of drugs. trotsky's system almost puts the doll to shame. his chemical analysis revealed lethal levels of cocaine and morphine - known as kathleen's breakfast or a 'speedball' on the streets - as well as codeine, barbiturates and other various prescription drugs. the police are investigating the matter as the barbiturates - commonly referred as 'barbies' - were prescribed to kathleen. the fuzz have ruled, though, that his death was unintentional and will not be continuing their investigation.

now, i've been cutting baby babble some slack because she's in mourning, but i have to say something : kathleen sure seems like she wants to join trotsky in dancing on all the tables in heaven; i mean, she showed up to the HEP! premiere looking like you could find her sleeping with the alley cats and pawing at fish skeletons. basically, she looked like last year - bug eyes, runny nose; with scratches and bruises scattered throughout her arms. cigarette at hand, drink in tow and disgusting ballet slippers on her feet - here we go again! and so soon, doll?

tragedy strikes at the riot house!

x

death in the gardens!

the riot house has been shut down until further notice by order of the cielo fuzz, because trotsky plunged to his death early this morning. the autopsy has not yet been made public, but witnesses say that following a long night of snorting and shooting drugs, he scrambled atop the roof to light some leftover fireworks from the freak fest; at some point, he lost his footing and plummeted down to the ground below. his body was discovered by kathleen in the riot house rose gardens before daybreak. trotsky was 21 years old.

the million dollar brat is currently holed up at her 10050 love shack and is absolutely refusing to speak with anyone who is not tied in with the doll camp. the only person to come or leave is headlock, who went to the airport this morning to pick up sodapop cola, kathleen's brother - who was in arcadia, working on a super duper secret job, given to him by his sister. once home in cielo, soda didn't waste time on spilling to the fence and said that trotsky's run-in with police the other night was no drunken twist of fate. after losing his mind from taking too many drugs and fleeing kathleen's lonesome lane home, a concerned headlock phoned the fuzz and informed them that trotsky was suicidal. by the time he was apprehended by deputies, however, he did not appear to want to take his own life - "he was acting like a brat; he just needed to dry out," one officer said. police had no choice but to let him go. soda said that the incident occurred after the doll begged with trotsky to enter rehab, but he snubbed any and all pleas.

he was recently charged with disturbing the peace after a long night with 'bad influence' kathleen. he’s been living, for quite some time, in the guest cottage on the edge of the property and therefore he became the doll's #1 friend and running mate. she even named him as the successor to headlock's position and she also named him in her last will and testament as a beneficiary.

well, trotsky, you were always one of my favorites; you could dance all night on club drugs and still find time to trim the hedges, take phone messages and snort lines with baby babble - here's hoping that you're still disturbing the peace.......up in heaven.

a funeral is expected to be held sometime next week, but neither kathleen nor her people will give any word on the matter. the flashers have even respectfully given up roosting outside 10050 lonesome lane, so we must really have a tragedy on our hands. you know a paparazzo would never put their camera down - even if it was on fire.

R.I.P. trotsky - there will never be another gold-hotpants-wearing caretaker like you.

the beautiful one launches the pretty people club magazine

and only the pretty people are allowed to read it!

kathleen held a very ladylike and demure tea party in the ballroom of the arcadian riot house this afternoon to celebrate launching the pretty people club magazine and later on, hosted a celebration at the il coyote country club in the early evening. i'm glad she's learned her lesson - slurp tea with the rich people, your bosses, by day and snort drugs with the kids, your target market, by night.

she announced that not only would she be extending the shelflife of her fanmail column with hep parade  while continuing to write books and star in films, but now heading  the pretty people club as well - ☺ is going to be on the backburner, so she can have time to put the finishing touches on HEP!.

.still, she's the president of the pretty people club now and that includes not weaseling out of highly important presidential duties. and, did i just lose my mind or did the doll seriously promise more fanmail? NO!!!!!! i would rather have a feral alley cat scratch my eyeballs out than read more of that shit!

the best part came during the doll's champagne toast :

"someone asked me why i started my own magazine......i was tired of the suits getting all of the hookers and cocaine..."

LOL. now, even though we all know that the pretty people club is going to have already gone down in flames by the same time next year, i still want to take it upon myself to formally wish kathleen luck on her latest foray. she is so in demand right now that she can barely spit on the sidewalk without some photographer having a conniption fit. besides - i hear ☺ is going to knock us all dead.

the beautiful one slashes herself up

not even innocent house windows are safe from the wrath of kat!

kathleen was hospitalized at half-three this morning after she cut her wrists and forearms trying to open a window at her cielo manor. the 10050 is a much older haunt, so when she went to slide the window up, 'it shattered under her force.' okay, first of all, what is it with her and glass? it's like anytime she comes into contact with something that can get broken, it does get broken. secondly, the doll operates on photosynthesis for her "strength," let's not kid ourselves.

trotsky had to drive her in the recently renovated gravedigger to hospital, as, needless to say, headlock and jolly roger were too busy holding hands somewhere else. kathleen sustained ample cuts and received a handful of stitches. i'm sure she also talked the doctors out of some pain meds too. either that or she had trotsky kipe some.

the doll was released back into the streets at around five in the morning. before she headed back to the 10050 for a quick disco nap, she hit up - yes, you guessed it - the bar! trotsky made a quick detour to the riot house for about forty-five minutes, the beautiful one leaving with drink in tow. i'll be she's going to have a super duper day. when she got back home, she shared some of her good mood with the press. when the flashers quipped, "ouch, doll, those cuts sure look like they hurt," kathleen retorted, "i love pain."

now, she can tell everbody that she was trying to open a window all she wants, but i know she was trying to off herself. let's be honest - she's beyond overdosing and this whole affair reeks of suicide attempt gone awry. quick! someone get her some xanax and an upbeat tempo, stat!

in other baby babble news, i am happy to report that she finally sobered up and ditched that nasty bandanna. at last! she must have returned it to the homeless, meandering drunk transient she obtained it from in the first place. i'm so proud of you - welcome back, doll.

kathleen piledrives her cherished gravedigger into the riot house

in a series of sad and totally predictable events, the doll crashed her beloved black townhearse, affectionately nicknamed 'the gravedigger,' into the front foyer of the riot house last night, also sending her french grand piano to the great cocktail lounge in the sky.

she had just finished logging some considerable hours in the bar, which is located in the basement of the hotel. around one in the morning, kathleen, acting sneaky like a snake, snuck the keys from headlock's pocket and then headed off with mates to spacecruise around cielo and laugh about what a tool headlock is. or, as rocko j. nasty calls him, "headcock."

witnesses, also known as the flashers, said that they saw her drive around the blow a couple of times, race down the wrong side of the road and, after hopping a curb, crashed into the riot house. forget that! i say the riot house crashed into her.

the front pages were the first to allege that maybe, oh, i don't know, the doll was dancing on a cloud of heroin smoke or skiing down a mountain of blow when all of this went down - maybe both - but i'm not sold. there are plenty of explanations for this :

1.) she was trying to run jimmy kiss over

2.) she was trying to run beau badman over

3.) it was a futile suicide attempt

4.) the wheel slipped away from her

5.) she doesn't know how to park

6.) she thought trotsky was driving

7.) she didn't know that she couldn't do that

everyone knows that her license has pretty much been suspended since the day she got it - but the cops are forgiving her, on account of all the grief she is getting over the freak fest. the chief of police, and i kid you not, said that they were going to clear all charges, because, "she has enough on her plate." she has nothing on her plate and everyone knows it!

fanmail of the freak fest

the beautiful one was sweet enough to take time out of her super busy schedule of rioting, drugging writers, setting fires, overturning police cars and running around naked to answer some fanmail during the festival.

why the freak fest is still relevant i have no clue. but hey, since it is, here are the answers to the letters that were piling up at kathleen's feet backstage - bear in mind, she claims to have written it on the third morning, when she was probably high on drugs! there is a ghostwriter behind this...i'm just saying!

Q: How's the Freak Fest so far?
A: it's the coolest party i've ever hosted

Q:Is it true that you took your top off during your set?
A: OH YA SURE - I TOOK MY PANTS OFF 2!

Q: I'm sure that you are really loving the Freak Fest, but don't you miss the comforts of Cielo just a little bit?
A: yes - i miss the coston fox; cruising around in the gravedigger, pumping bollywood music, annoying headlock....i also miss hot showers like a motherbear

Q:The Coston Fox? Is that a code name for something?
A: THE COSTON FOX IS SO REAL, HE DOESN'T NEED A NAME - his name actually is the coston fox

Q: How hot is it there, in Monticello, right now?
A: it's hot enough that loyal's eyes are two fried eggballs. it's hot enough that kids aren't selling drugs - they're bootlegging bottled waters. it's hot enough that sodapop is complaining, OH WAIT....LOL!

Q: £4 for a bottle of measly water? Is this a joke?
A: NOPE, YOU FORGOT 2 ADD ON THE SALES TAX! STUPID!

Q: I live in Monticello myself and you've got to tell me - when it comes to camping at the Freak Fest, who is a big crybaby and who is a bigger crybaby?
A: TROTSKY; SODAPOOP. DUH. i pushed soda in the mud yesterday and he was glaring razorblades at me for the rest of the afternoon - trotsky has about thirty mosquito bites because he simply refuses to wear anything other than glitter and gold lamé hotpants!

Q: So, just how is Trotsky holding up?
A: he. and. ludo. won't. stop. raving. HOW AM I HOLDING UP IS THE QUESTION. and not very well is the answer, when it comes to those two.

Q: So, is Jimmy cool with you hanging around his little brother?
A: oh yeah, he's absolutely psyched about it

Q: You know, I keep reading about you and Joey Kiss, but I bet you and Jimmy Kiss will be back together in no time...
A: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i'd rather be hung by my toes and have my eyeballs gouged out with two, red-hot fire pokers!

Q: Wait a second - are you with Joey Kiss or are you with Loyal the Lost Boy?
A: I STILL GOT MY BANDANNA ON, DON'T I?

Q: What is your favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: COCAINE

Q: What is Trotsky's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: rolling in glitter and holding hands with ludo

Q:What is Sodapop's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: flapping his lips, being a big baby huey

Q:What are the Lost Boys' favorite Freak Fest pastimes?
A: STEALING HUBCAPS, STUD CIGARETTES AND HEROIN

Q: I would never pay a dime for the Freak Fest - long lines, hot weather and outrageous prices just to see you? Please!
A: LOL WUT A GIP, RIGHT? i guess the 700,00 people who bought tickets aren't as smart as you

Q: I read that people weren't buying tickets...just sneaking in through the Freak Wall...any truth to that?
A: GO 2 PANEL 777, KNOCK 7 TIMES, USE THE PASSWORD "I FORGOT" - my goons will let you just walk right in!

Q: What is your favorite Lost Boys song?
A: "MARY LIKES 2 SHOOT DARTS"

Q: Trotsky's cute...does he have any brothers?
A: he has a sister, gibby - BUT PAWS OFF! sodapop's going steady with her

Q: Gibby, what a pretty name - I'll be she's a looker!
A: yeah, she looks just like her brother - WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?

Q:I read that the high of the first day was 103°! Got a sunburn yet?
A: no, but i have 33 bugbites - calamine lotion and i are one

Q:Who are the Hell Boys?
A: a bunch of pansies who are giving cielo a bad reputation

Q: What did the Hell Boys say to make the Lost Boys so angry?
A: the hell boys said, "the lost boys were jewelry and pink panties." boy, that really bent rocko j. nasty out of shape - EVERYONE KNOWS HE WEARS PURPLE PANTIES!

Q: Have fun with your little party of freaks - I'll bet Jimmy Kiss is glad to be rid of you!
A: LOL I KNOW - THE FLOPHOUSE IS SUCH A STEP UP

Q: Who is and isn't on your guestlist for backstage?
A: IS: joey kiss, trotsky, ludo ludovic, sodapop, gibby bastien, maynard, heidi gretchen alberkraut
ISN'T: jimmy kiss, beau goodman, the fence

Q: I heard that you got in a fight with Heidi Gretchen backstage, because...she is blonde and you are blonde; Loyal had drunkenly confused you for her and the two were flirting...any truth in that?
A: ROFL NONE - i pulled my knife out, onstage, because she was calling loyal a "hood" and a "JD," because he was drunker than a skunk and falling asleep sitting up

Q: Okay, I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't Gibby, like, only 16 years old? Come on, are you for real?
A: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AGE

Q: And while we're on the topic of age - isn't Loyal only 17?
A: WRONG!!!!!!!!! HE'S 17 AND A HALF!

kathleen gets an A+ for effort with me, but i'd really love to meet the people who send these questions in. all i know is, i have a lot of questions for the doll and none of them involve soda's favorite pastime or if jimmy gives a shit that joey and kathleen are chummy chums. my inquests are more along the lines of : "what the hell is the matter with you?" and, "what's with the bandanna?" and, "are you still trying to make this 90's thing happen?"

the freak fest : day three

day three sees bonfires, riots and the shit hitting the fan

if you thought that the lost boys getting slashed up on the second night was bad - think again! it would seem that looting, violence and fires have marked the end of the first - and probably only - freak fest, with kathleen and her mates most likely to take the blame.

this is the last, but not least, lineup for sunday, july 15;

east stage
12:15 - 1:15 PM : the fungus amongus
1:30 - 2:30 PM : the flying fucks
2:45 - 4:00 PM : the filth
4:20 - 5:45 PM : the fury
6:00 - 7:50 PM : the freakshows
8:15 - 9:50 PM : the flowers of evil, with kathleen on tambourine

west stage
1 - 2 PM : over the moon
2:20 - 3:30 PM : pottymouths
3:40 - 4:55 PM : questionmasters
5:35 - 6:30 PM : road to ruin
6:40 - 7:40 PM : space cadet
8:00 - 9:00 PM : tabula rasa
9:15 - 10:15 PM : unicornholes

things, for the most part, went okay during yesterday's afternoon performances - but, during the final hours of the concert, mayhem escalated as the appropriately named flowers of evil played, along with kathleen on tambourine. blue-haired bassist, biggles, mate to the doll, decided to perform stark naked, as did kathleen. it would appear that birthday suits were a trend, as kathleen posed for a photograph with a nude rocko j. nasty behind the curtain, before gracing the east stage in only an american flag. she quickly ditched it to reveal her bare body, to the screams of horror and excitement of the crowd below.

in the afternoon, long before the flowers of evil played, a group of peace promoters distributed candles, intending for a vigil to be held at the end of the show, alongside a fireworks display. naturally, most of them were used to start bonfires. the hundreds of empty plastic water bottles that littered the area were used as fuel, as well as pieces of 'the freak wall,' a gigantic, sweeping mural that was acting as a purportedly inviolable security perimeter fence. it was constructed by the pretty people and painted by joey kiss - it extends over three miles long, is twelve feet high and stretches around the entire site. it took over two months to paint, with nearly two hundred people lending their hand to joey. he also painted the east and west stage with bright psychedelic imagery - a sky complete with neon stars and planets, rainbow spaceships; a unicorn morphing into a dove - which sits in ruins now.

many large bonfires had been burning for some time before the band left the stage for an emergency broadcast to be made. kathleen, who had been acting as the announcer, interrupted the concert to say, "okay kiddos, as you can see if you look behind you, we have a bit of a problem." everyone turned to see the nine or ten out-of-control fires dotting the field. "the promoters want me to tell you to get away from the fires so that the brigade can put them out. i don't give much of a shit myself, really, but they won't put the music back on until those fires are out, so cool it!"

when the flowers of evil were finally allowed to take the stage again, they played another song before kathleen and biggles stole the microphone away to call the audiences' attention to a rather important matter plaguing the festival since it began;

kathleen: "hey, you kids - just because the girls out there want to feel free and take their tops off doesn't mean a bunch of you have to grab her tits!"

biggles: "yeah, they're her tits! leave those tits alone. tits are a girl's personal private property and they're a beautiful thing, so keep your grubby paws off you filthy animals!"

kathleen: "of course, if you all weren't so grabby, they might all take their tops off - did you ever think of that? let's just be nice to one another out there."

biggles: "that's right - be nice to the tits, keep your paws off."

kathleen: "and that's another thing - i've been noticing that a lot of girls, coming over to the top here are having every single part of them felt up. do any of you know what i mean? and i think, that just because a girl wants to go in the pit and go crowd surfing - that doesn't give you creeps a right to molest them. so, if you're a guy out there and you see a girl passing overhead - give her a break, will you? and if you're a girl out there and you see a guy passing overhead, i want you to grab his balls and give them a yank!"

biggles: "yeah, that's right doll! make it so they can't handle their little schmekeles anymore!"

LOL @ schmekeles.

they played a few more songs and then ended with a punk rock 'n' roll rendition of "goodnite, sweetheart, goodnite," instead of the song they were supposed to play. biggles then lit the american flag, which kathleen had hung on the amps, on fire. consequently, their show sent the kids over the edge. the flowers of evil and kathleen disappeared offstage and this is when the trouble began.

it wasn't long the doll started jonesing for the mic and came back to rile the freaks. she said things like, "i'm not the devil, but i'm here to do his bidding." she and the boys also got the crowd to chant, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need to water, let the motherfucker burn." she was doing all sorts of bad shit.

kathleen stayed on the east stage as long as she could, provoking the people, before jumping off to go cause some trouble on the grounds.

once the police charged in, the freaks began throwing hoisted fireworks and makeshift molotov cocktails at the fuzz. the people, rather than surrendering themselves to the cops, gathered into a tight formation and began to antagonize the battalion of officers by chanting such things as, "shoot, shoot!" and, "kill, kill!"

an audio tower was then set ablaze - remaining tents, booths and trailers full of merchandise were robbed, destroyed and used as gasoline. the angry, severely dehydrated, sleep-deprived, drugged-out, drunken concertgoers, unchallenged, grew bolder. they tipped over and successfully set several police cars on fire. according to witness reports, the police soon then charged into the pulsating sea of people and began to beat and arrest both those fighting and those not. they were incredibly edgy and struck people with batons before unpleasing tear gas onto the violent crowds. festival goers were not fazed and continues to knock over towers, burned booths and pelted police with bottles, rocks and batteries.

after about five hours, the riot was over : six policeman were dead, twenty-eight injured; twelve civilians had been shot, over a hundred were arrested and an unknown number injured. the remains of twelve trailers full of merchandise nearby the east stage continued to smolder well into this morning. a line of more than a hundred troopers' cruises formed a barrier between the concert area and the adjacent campgrounds. the doll's farm included horses, lambs, pigs and chickens - people gave animals drugs, set them free and as a result, most either ran away or were killed. patrons of the festival also camped in, subsequently ruined and then set on fire two of three alfalfa fields. large amounts of tear gas was used and at least twice, police ran squad cars full speed into crowds. wow sounds like your typical doll party. glad i wasn't there to get drugged, raped and tear-gassed.

the freak fest : day two

day two sees mud pits, water hoses and rotten punks razored

the lead singer and other members of the controversial lost boys group were ambushed by a razor and knife-wielding gang backstage last night, after they wrapped their set. sodapop cola couldn't help himself and made a quick statement to the fence - he said that the boys were jumped by the notoriously nasty motorcycle gang, the hell boys.

after a half an hour wait in the medical tent, it was announced that none of the injuries sustained were lethal, but they were all serious. the boys received stitches in assorted locations; rocko suffered from deep facial cuts, loyal had received blows to the head and was mildly concussed and eddie spaghetti bruised a couple ribs. there are fears that the attack was part of a backlash against the lost boys and other dangerous trainhopping gangs, but i wouldn't be surprised if it was just a pissed off concert-goer! imagine this : you shell out £269 for a three-day ticket, only to find that the food and drink prices are outrageous and because of this, everyone is stealing from everyone - not to mention the overcrowding, sweltering heat and insufficient toilets - i'm surprised people aren't roosting! for example, today, after a forty-five minute wait in line, attendees decided to break apart the main pipes that provide water, to douse the rest of those suffering in the middle of the line - this in turn caused the creation of large mud pits.

the medical tents were packed, following an afternoon of crowd violence from the stirred-up freaks. you have the loudmouths and injustice to thank for that - the bands were encouraging kids to be as bad and mean as they possibly could. they taunted festival-goers with such things as, "let's see how many of you can get naked by the end of this song!" and, "this is the freak fest, come on - do something stupid!" it worked and there were many injuries. the unruliness began again when the lost boys took the stage at half-ten - crowds were stirred with their dark and dirty live show; their lionized, illuminated cross pulsing in the dark night.

on a more positive note, there weren't as many complaints about the heat yesterday - kathleen sent workers into town to purchase hoses for which to spray the exhausted audience with. there have been some reports of looting and at least three drug arrests, but the doll's people affirm, "that's to be expected." you know, these promoters aren't the brightest bulbs - there's about seven hundred thousand more kids than there are suits at this festival - if the people rebel, it doesn't really matter who you are.

with that being said, here's the lineup for yesterday, july 14 :

east stage
1:00 - 2:15 PM : the little darlings
2:30 - 4:15 PM : the loudmouths
4:25 PM - 5:25 PM : the liver-spots
5:45 PM - 7:15 PM : the lovelies
7:30 - 8:45 PM : the likely lads
9:05 - 10:05 PM : the lollygaggers
10:30 PM - 12:00 AM : the lost boys

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : hoes on tour
2:05 - 3:20 PM : injustice
3:40 - 4:40 PM : jiggy with it
5 - 6 PM : kraut
6:20 - 7:35 PM : loud ones
7:55 - 9:10 : mellow yellow
9:30 - 10:45 PM : nightcrawlers

in all, the worst part of today came when the lost boys say their measly lives flash in front of their eyes. the best part of today? during a brief press conference, headlock told the flashers (who have been banned from the event) that, "kathleen misbehaved on the first night and it really broke my heart. she was throwing her knife at people and threatened to impale one of the kids from the gorkholes. i had to take the knife off her backstage." you know, whoever thought it would be a good idea to host a festival and invite a bunch of flower children and lost boys and freaks and pretty people and junkies and gypsies and bikies and punks was totally right on the money. this shit couldn't get any worse!

the freak fest : day one

day one sees "alotta freaks," heavy traffic, and a high of 103°

upon her arrival in monitcello yesterday, the doll was going around telling anyone who would listen; "you know, i read in the newspapers that the state thruway is closed - isn't that far out? that's alotta freaks!"

 sure, sure doll - whatever you say. you're a freak, i'm a freak - we're all freaks.

now, i would love nothing more than to be able to sit her and report that the first night went horribly; it didn't. apart from a few drunk and unruly fans, it went off without a hitch.

with gridlock traffic controlling all main highways entering the festival site, most of the first-billed acts were not able to make it on time. after some clever rescheduling by kathleen and headlock, the music continued on and bands were flown in by helicopter.

beginning promptly at noon and ending early this morning, the lineup for yesterday, july 13, is as follows :

east stage
12:00 - 2:00 PM : the cigarette pack
2:40 - 4:00 PM : the crayola kids
4:30 - 6:00 PM : the coppertone babies
6:40 - 8;10 PM : the coolcats
8:30 - 9:10 PM : the coffin nails
9:20 - 10:20 PM :the chemical kids
10:40 PM - 1:10 AM : katty cakes
1:10 AM - 10:00 AM : the creepy-crawlies

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : artful dodgers
2:05 - 3:05 PM : bear claw
3:25 - 4:00 PM : capricorn
4:30 - 5:35 PM : dinger
5:55 - 6:55 PM : eagle claw
7:15 - 8:15 PM : frumptydumpties
8:35 PM - 10:05 PM : gorkholes

after the chemical kids finished on the east stage, kathleen took to spinning the wheels of steel until around one in the morning - she then handed it off to legendary house duo, the creepy-crawlies and the music continued until well past dawn. the kids, still going strong, must have been hopped up on drugs and were clearly not feeling the effects of a long day in the sun. good far them. during the doll's set, she spun everything from neo-psychedelic rock to old-time folk tunes; heavy metal, golden oldies and house electro. she played on the east stage, which is decorated with bright, technicolor pop art - complete with cartoon rainbows, clouds and a full day setting on the outside; the interior is painted to be a night sky, with clusters of motley stars and a man in the moon mural. upon taking the wild stage, she brought out a pint and guzzled it in one gulp to the croons of adoring fans below.

the beautiful one did have to stop at one point, though, to yell at one of the technician boys setting up a haughty balloon-and-confetti bomb that was going to explode at the end of her act, because he was stepping on the cords and screwing up the music. the doll wailed, "hey! knock that shit off! they don't like it when you step on their mics! you wanna watch the show from below, pal?"

then, there was an inebriated fan who started to cause trouble within the audience, so the doll tried to distract him - "this next song is called, "love," and it's about, well, love." when he didn't respond to her catch-flies-with-honey routine, she brought ou the vinegar and screamed, "hey! i'm gonna have the bikies beat you up if you don't know it off and scram!"

and, although the doll played last night, she is also the official announcer of the concert and could be heard throughout the day making intermittent announcements. she was behind the microphone for everything, from introducing the tibetan monks - who delivered a goodwill prayer to bring positive vibes and good karma to all - to the good night sign-off, where she read horoscopes from that day's newspaper.

she also gave her daily dose of good advice, when she told the crowd, "hey, if any of you kids out there have a gun in your hand, or under your bed or in your jockeybox or stashed away somewhere secret - go get it and throw it in the nearest trash can. use your brains." knives are cool though.

hopefully her demand is met, because there have been reports of unrest in the crowd. some think that £5 for a bottle of water, £12 for a single slice of pizza and a maximum of only two beers allowed to be purchased at a time - for a steep £15 - it a little ridiculous. well, fuck those cheap bitches! also, the distance from the camping grounds to the stage is 3/4 of a mile - the walk from the east stage to the west stage is a good 30 minutes, so, as a result, most fans are remaining at the larger and more popular east stage, where more of the headlining acts are performing. medical facilities are worried that heat, combined with dehydration and lack of sleep is going to be a problem - not to mention the mosh pits and the drugs and all the other wild things going on.

still, i'm sure everything will be fine....oh, who am i kidding? the freak fest is going to turn into nutball land, just you wait.

this is the best photograph of jimmy kiss....ever

jimmy kiss, the wet mop

jimmy kiss isn't getting the hint. ever since the doll dumped his ass for loyal, she asked him to kindly pack up and leave...only he won't pack up and leave. today, headlock had to put his things out on the curb of kathleen's 10050 lonesome lane home. then, when jimmy realized what was up, he casually tried to slink off to the riot house, where he was then casually denied room and board. he thinks he's slick!

there was no confirmation, however, as to if jimmy used the line, "don't you know who i am?" too bad, he should have tried it. riot house staff could have then responded, "yes, we do! and that's the problem." then again, they could have also said, "no, we don't! and that's the way it's staying." shit, why not try them both?

speaking of flophouses, kathleen might be joining jimmy soon - word on the street has it that kathleen is as broke as a joke. and no, it's not going up her nose - insiders say that she's footing the bill for the freak fest and hasn't an extra penny to her name. if you ask me, that's a crock of shit. she's got partners and backers just like everybody else. for, if it comes down to the doll choosing between her festival or her foilies - foilies wins every time.

the beautiful one goes to nutball land

accidentally stabs mate on the way there

it was kathleen who put in a frantic telephone call to cielo police last night, informing officers that they needed to send an ambulance straightaway, after she stabbed her mate "on accident." yet, today, she laughed the fence off and told them that, "the knife slipped away from me."

her friend, real name unknown - nickname 'loyal' - recently began working at the riot house, thanks to kat, as a bartender. he also runs with the greasy underground rough-and-tumble gang, the lost boys. the lost boys are in town to work with the doll - they currently have a gig every tuesday night at the riot house.

now, loyal was invited to the 10050 love shack last night for the free blow and a "small get-together between close friends," but ended up being kathleen's latest victim! don't worry, though - loyal won't be pressing charges anytime soon; for, this morning, fresh from the hospital, with his arm draped around the doll's shoulders - he asked the timeless question, "how could you be mad with a girl so beautiful?"

so, the story supposedly goes, kathleen had a few too many speedballs - just kidding - it was too many whiskey sours and she was fooling around with her knife, when loyal gives her the go-ahead to "playfully" stab him. bad move, loyal. clearly he wanted to die.

moving right along - kathleen stabs him. she told the fuzz that she didn't cut him deep and she made sure that she got him in the side, "the safest place to knife someone." earth to doll, there is no safe place to knife someone! i know you have major experience with knives, but i didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - you're not fooling me.

naturally, loyal had his own knife and the pair continued their dangerous game for about twenty minutes or so. the doll stopped to take a break and headed to the main house for a drink - this is when guests found him on the lawn, in a pool of blood, completely unconscious. and this is why i never go to any of her parties! coke and knives - sounds like a blast. NOT!

all i have to say is - where was headlock during all of this? he used to drag kat's ass out of the bar by her hair and flush her blow down the john if she gave him any lip. nowadays, whenever she fucks up - he's nowhere in sight! or he basically tells the papers that he saw it coming. total bullshit, right?

like today, he told the front pages that, "she's had that knife for a long time - longer than i can remember. she used to carry it in a sheath on her hip. the first night i worked for her, she pulled it out and was playing with it in front of me. she asked, 'does this make you nervous?' she's tried to stab people more times than i can count on my fingers, so, honestly, this comes as no big surprise to me." see? totally sold her out on a dime.

and it's like nothing ever happened

here we go again

it's the summer of love and kathleen recently found herself choosing between maynard b. alberkraut and someone who could be easily confused with a wet mop. jimmy just got out of the slammer a couple of minutes ago - in something he calls a 'mixup' - and even though kathleen didn't take any time out of her super, super busy schedule of eating candies, sunning in a bikini, slugging down booze and chasing the dragon to see him behind bars, word around the campfire has it that you can now call her jimmy's girl again. she even allowed him to move all his shit - a couple of trilbies, a pair of winklepicker boots and an old iron maiden LP - back into the 10050 love shack.

good! i'm glad. i was never a chairholding member in the i love 'kraut committee. ok, maybe a little at first, but by the end, he had me asleep.....to death, i'm telling you!

there were two major turning points. firstly, kathleen went to the hep parade magazine offices yesterday morning to dot some Is and cross some Ts - she told them that maynard was a 'stunt' and that she's happily back snorting lines off of jimmy's butt again. ok, she didn't say the last part, but she was thinking it. a stunt? well, she sure had me going. i wish i were smarter.

secondly, jimmy told the front pages something today that truly made me cringle madly deeply, "she's the one - i want my ring on her finger." he's only said shit like this one other time - he got trashed in arcadia without kathleen and got lost on the streets. the fuzz somehow caught up with him and offered kiss a ride home. only problem was - he couldn't remember where the hell he lived! he told them, "you know, the house with all the flashers out front, trying to catch a glimpse of my bride." turns out he was just super verschinckered, because the next day, the doll just laughed and laughed the story away. in response to the rumor that jimmy started today, kathleen said, "no! not even on a bet!"

still, it sounds like he wants to marry her......or something. you know, he'd have a better shot at her accepting if he proposed with a ring made of candy - or black tar heroin. oh, and if he had the money to buy one. jimmy's pockets have been mighty empty since the beginning of time.
now, no one - not even loose lips sodapop - will confirm, but i believe that kathleen and maynard are finally done. i heard that the doll was tired of trying to make "boring" 'kraut get outside of himself. for example, tame maynard mostly liked to lie around in bed and read books and be a goody-goody, whereas kat and kiss used to take their breakfast cereal with champagne instead of milk; they'd throw television from hotel windows, smash glass and cut themselves up with it - no one wanted to come anywhere near them! not even headlock!
so what if maynard b. opened doors for her and lit her cigarettes? kiss lights her crackpipe and goes to jail for her. that's what love is really about.

i don't know how much longer i can do this with you, doll

it is time, yet again, to gather 'round and lend your eyes to kathleen. she's been answering her fanmail every other week like a good girl for hep parade magazine and unless you've been hovering over a dusty mirror for the last few months - it's the hottest thing on the block. hep parade has reported a surge in membership and they have even given kathleen a £100,000 raise. i don't get it!

Q: You're still really trying to make this '90s thing happen, aren't you?
A: it's the SUMMER OF LOVE

Q: What is the Summer of Love?
A: there's a lot of 40s, calamine lotion, doobies, heavy metal and freaks

Q: No, seriously - what happened to your jean jacket?
A: it's went back to 1993......PSYCHE!

Q: Punk rock?
A: PUNK RAWK.

Q: Which did you like better : 312 Skid Row or 10050 Lonesome Lane?
A: ROOM 666 @ THE RIOT HOUSE

Q: I read that you and Jimmy are actually married and you have a child on the way - care to comment?
A: i don't read fiction - I WRITE IT

Q: Why do you get thrown out of all the clubs?
A: they throw me out for being too rich

Q: What in the hell is the Riot House?
A: best party in cielo

Q: You're so Generation X.
A: I BELONG TO THE BLANK GENERATION

Q: You know, I really used to like and respect you. When all my cool friends talked badly about you - I would stand up for you. But after you broke up with Jimmy Kiss and ran his name through the mud to make yourself some quick cash - you lost me. I'm sure I'm not the first either. Get it together.
A: Wait a second, wait a second - HOW COOL ARE THESE 'COOL FRIENDS' AGAIN?

Q: Give me 3 words that best describe you.
A: God among mortals.

Q: Is ☺ ever going to be released?
A: NOT TODAY

Q: I think it's sad that you're using film footage of your dead friends for DIG! It must be hard to live with yourself.
A: LIVE FAST - maybe you'll die young

Q: Coke or heroin?
A: foilies - ONLY FOILIES

Q: Even though I'm sure that you'll respond 'NOTHING' - what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
A: dolls!

Q: Why was Jimmy arrested?
A: kiss got hemmed up because he's kiss - NEXT QUESTION

Q: A pool party? Isn't that a little junior high-ish?
A: what's it to you? DON'T BE A FOOL - GET IN THE POOL

Q: I really think you should give Jimmy a second chance. You and Maynard aren't meant for each other. Atticus Finch, really? Really?
A: REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Trotsky has said in the past that you're a "bad influence" on him - specifically that you give him drugs on occasion. What's the hardest drug you've ever given him?
A: MY FACE IS NUMB

my face is numb too - and not in a good way. don't write when you're high on crack everybody!