the summer of death claims another

a couple more deaths and we can put a calendar together

well, it looks like the pair of black death overalls kathleen donned for her mates' funerals after the 312 bloodbath will have to be brought out from collecting mothballs; for, her buddy tim bob has passed onto the happy hunting ground in the sky.

after slamming a couple of armfuls of heroin and guzzling a bottle of booze, he collapsed on the floor of his flophouse hotel room - where he eventually stopped breathing. he was discovered by staff on thursday. his death has not officially been ruled by police yet, but it is said to be a suicide. those close to him told the fence that, ever since the freak fest, he experienced heavy symptoms of anxiety following the amount of publicity he received. young and impressible, he became succumbed by the spotlight.

kathleen gave an informal eulogy outside of her house today and pretty much said that tim bob was her hep parade intern and that, yes, she knew he was a writer at the time of the freak fest. she also said that she suspects foul play in his death and will be in contact with the fuzz.
detective kiss has put his theory out there too - he told police that hep parade had hired men kill tim bob, in an effort to keep kathleen out of jail, because he "knew too much" after spending several months conducting interviews with her for an article he was writing....that, to my knowledge, never came out.....and was separate from the article he wrote about the freak fest.....hmm...

in response, baby babble retorted that kiss is as dead to her as tim bob. okay, she didn't, but that comment alone made it sound like she wanted to and was biting her tongue and rolling her eyes in his general direction the whole time.
anyways, rest in peace tim bob.

shiksa goddess kathleen meets mama kiss

and the rest of the kiss clan in upstate arcadia

the beautiful one is currently dating gentleman joey, who, unlike his big brother jimmy, practices judiasm. as a result, kathleen not only hosted traditional christmas parties, but is also going to learn all about hanukkah with the kiss family this year. now, i don't know what roofie joey slipped in his mommy's drink, but she is not only cool with the doll coming to hanukkah - she is actually a fan of the doll's work. you would think mama kiss would be the kind of mother to only refer to kathleen as 'that girl.' you would also think that she'd tell the shiksa sunshine kid to piss up a rope after breaking jimmy's heart, but he's probably the black sheep of the family. in a sign of respect, the kisses even delegated the super-duper important task of lighting the first candle of the menorah to kathleen - which she somehow managed not to fuck up. i'm just saying - all those years of practice balancing a spoon full of heroin over a candle totally helped.

at first, mama kiss didn't want the doll to have anything to do with the kitchen. jimmy wasted no time in jumping at the chance to offer his hand - you know he was thinking about slipping some rat poison into the doll's share of latkes - but then mama kiss came to her senses and decided that she was going to front the 'jew the doll up' effort. mama kiss started school for the day by teaching kathleen how to cook all the great hanukkah foods. yeah, i don't know any either; and i also don't know why baby babble would ever want to hang around a hot kitchen all day long when she doesn't even eat in the to begin with! i know she's much rather be railing lines off of joey's naked body or whatever the hell she's into now - but it isn't food. anyways, mama kiss tried her best; she loves the doll and everything, but when it comes to knowing her way around the kitchen - she told kathleen to stick to what she does best, drugs, and leave the cooking to those who actually eat.

i think what did joey's girl in was when mama kiss graciously allowed her to make gefelte fish - when the dish was finished, kathleen complained that it looked like "gross dog shit," and that, no, she would not be trying any. real nice, doll!

so, the fence presumes that joey is introducing kathleen to his mother - as his father has since passed on to sing "maoz tzur" with trotsky in heaven  - because he wants to ask for her hand in marriage. well, baby babble had better get used to spinning the dreidel then. hopefully jimmy can handle it; if not, expect to see photographs of nooses and cyanide pills as his computer's desktop background for a while.

as least kathleen and joey's visit to upstate arcadia won't be a total bust; for, they've been making crispy green bills by loosening their lips - à la sodapop cola - on a popular daytime radio programme. they've pretty much been going on the air to bitch and moan over whatever stupid shit is going on in their lives that day. for example, yesterday, they went on a diatribe about how unfair it was that mama kiss made the couple sleep in separate bedrooms. somehow, the beautiful one managed to get shafted and ended up down in the dungeon-like basement with jimmy! that was probably a real thrill for her.

the doll also said that he was not a gentleman and snatched the only sleepaway sofa from her; as a consequence, she had to curl up on the floor. shit, i'm surprised that kathleen didn't stab him in his sleep as a consequence! jimmy ultimately got his - kathleen and joey brought their puppy, wingnut, along with them upstate and the pooch ended up using all of jimmy's effects as his personal toilet. whatever; if you ask me - mama doll can separate them until she's blue in the face, but you know that kathleen and joey were playing musical sleeping beds as soon as her light went out.

furthermore, kathleen told the radio show that on the first day she was there, she was sneaking mama kiss secret shots of whiskey in the kitchen when no one was looking. well, no wonder the gefelte fish looked like dog shit! wowie zowie; cute girl - but not so much in the brains department.

one of the best stories that the doll told by far, however, had to be about the letterman's jacket. now, the doll is really pushing the demented 90's cheerleader look, so she asked joey for a letterman's jacket this year. ironically, he - and jimmy as well - used to be on the basketball team and there was a jacket waiting for her in arcadia. the only problem was that joey's jacket had been damaged from all the years of being stuffed in the back of a closet, so he pulled jimmy's - which was in much better shape - out of storage instead, thinking that his brother wouldn't notice. oh, jimmy noticed.

the kicker came on one of the nights of hanukkah, when joey handed kathleen the letterman's jacket as a gift. okay, the two were supposed to have a touching moment and maybe leak out a couple of lovey dovey tears; but instead, big baby jimmy pitched a fit and ruined the mood for everyone. as soon as the beautiful one's big eyes lit up and the phrase, "oh, a letterman's jacket - just what i've always wanted, joey, thank you!" started to form at her lips, jimmy jumped up and squealed at the top of his lungs, "hey! what gives? that's mine!" and demanded that kathleen return it to him. it was kind of cute. everyone just looked at him like he was five years old again and someone else got the present that he really wanted. you know that about fifteen seconds later, jimmy folded his arms over his chest, threw everyone a quick mean mug, muttered "i hate hanukkah" and rescinded back to his dungeon to cry with no witnesses. after this, the adults went around the room and high-fived each other - but not before they broke out the alcohol from the locked liquor cabinet.

the end of letterman's jacket war came when mama kiss, told jimmy to go to his room until he could ask for forgiveness. when jimmy refused to join them for dinner and then breakfast and lunch the following day, mama kiss stomped down to the basement and demanded that he apologize - or else! jimmy eventually trudged upstairs with his tail between his legs; he sucked up his pride, batted his eyelashes and told kat that he was real, real sorry.................but that he still wanted his letterman's jacket back. LOL! what an asshole.

in hindsight, i foresaw a great many things to take place during the doll's holiday with the kiss family, but something has just come out of left field. yes, folks, we have a wildcard on our hands and his name is johnny kiss. he is the eldest kiss brother and will totally be kathleen's next victim if perchance she and joey work out about as well as she and jimmy did. according to sodapop - everyone's inside source - johnny is most rebellious of the kiss family. great! i'll bet he and baby babble got on like a house on fire. instead of mama kiss catching the kids smoking doobies in the garage, she probably caught doing things like using her fine silverware to cook heroin and smoking speed off of her good tinfoil.

in all, it was a good hanukkah. the kiss family plus one doll could have probably done without jimmy's antics, but that's life; and, if joey really does want to marry the million dollar brat, it's good to know that mama kiss loves her like she loves matzo balls. still, you have to give it up for joey being deluded enough to even entertain the idea of being betrothed to kathleen - kissing her must be like breathing in pure heroin smoke.

the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

baby babble's fanmail column has death rattle

for once, she didn't phone this one in

kathleen sure didn't seem to have a problem pulling out her notepad and pencil for hep parade this week; and it's a good thing too - because with the responses garnered from kathleen, it's a wonder she even has fans at all!

Q: Do you really use cocaine to help you stay up late and crank out deadlines?
A: no - i snort coffee grounds to help me stay up late and crank out deadlines

Q: Is it true that you're on cocaine right now?
A: GO FUCK URSELF - I ONLY DO DOPE, OKAY??????????????

Q: Just how many men have you scared off?
A: 2 MANY; I'M PRETTY SCARY - THE SCARIEST!!!

Q: Are you banging Joey Kiss or is it some sick sort of publicity stunt?
A: WTF - never met him........or his brother

Q: What did you ask Joey to get you for Christmas?
A: some clean needles, a real 90's letterman's jacket from a bona fide varsity jockstrap, cha cha heels, chinese gunpowder tea, a roll in the hay...............

Q: I happen to think you are one smart blonde for landing that cutie pie Joey - what's it like to be his girl?
A: IT'S LIKE CRIMSON + CLOVER OVER AND OVER

Q: Everybody knows that you always make the first move - so, Doll, what did you say to Joey to get him interested in you?
A: CUM WITH ME - I'LL MAKE U FAMOUS

Q: Jimmy Kiss still loves you, whether you give a shit or not.
A: UM OK I'LL BE SURE 2 ALERT THE FUZZ AND GET MY HOT LITTLE HANDS ON A RESTRAINING ORDER

Q: You and Jimmy are star-crossed - stop playing with Joey's heart. Good things come to those who wait and I'm sure Jimmy would wait until the end of time for you.
A: WTF is it with you people? i feel like i'm on another planet! is this a twilight zone episode i missed or what????

Q: I happen to have a babydoll dress from the 90's that I think would be perfect for you - it's purple and blue and in butterfly print. What's an address that I can send it to?
A: i don't like butterflies - just butterfly knives

Q: I know you love sugar - so, what's your favorite type of candy?
A: flying saucers, sour lollies, dusty popping sweets, cherry bootlace, neptune fizz, saturn zingers, ultra-violets, jelly snakes.............

Q: I just read a column that you did for the Pretty People Club Magazine - who knew that you were so intelligent?
A: I'M NOT JUST A CUTE GIRL - I HAVE BRAINS 2

Q: Are you going to have an preface for ☺?
A: yes, and it will go a little something like this : i, the doll of the city of arcadia, in order to form a more perfect piece of fiction, establish long trains of thought about outer space, insure domestic cats, provide for the common criminals, bestow a sense of trust on all habitual cocaine users, promote the generally lost and secure the shit that needs secured; to ourselves and our notoriety, do ordain and establish this constitution of the doll.

Q: How do you think people view you?
A: i know that you all think i'm bad, but really - i'm not

Q: You are a literary prostitute; you are a Satanic bitch with your sadistic way of writing - don't be surprised when all your pretty friends leave you in the dust and your life goes in the toilet.
A: UM I PAY 2 MUCH MONEY 2 BE IGNORED BY MY PRETTY FRIENDS - IT'S THE UGLY ONES I'M WORRIED ABOUT

Q : How does it feel to be back home in Arcadia?
A: ROFL - like taking a bump of ski-blacky off of a key for the first time

Q: Why did you choose the Easy Street Hills to live and not Skid Row? Do you want to live closer to Beau Goodman?
A: O YA RIGHT - IN BEAU'S DREAMS

Q: What's going to be different about the Riot House in Arcadia as opposed to the Riot House in Cielo?
A: one thing : BLOW AVAILABLE BY ROOM SERVICE

Q: You're not the prettiest girl on this planet by far - stop acting as if you were.
A: earth doesn't deserve me - OUTER SPACE NEEDS ME

Q: There's a small print of the same foreign phrase on the back of every issue of the Pretty People Club Magazine - what does it translate to?
A: "THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS"

Q: How do you feel about the fence, now that the media storm following Trotsky's death has lapsed?
A: the less that they know about me - the better

Q: How does it feel to be used daily by everyone you know?
A: WRONG - IT'S THE DOLL WHO DOES THE USING AROUND HERE

Q: If your town car is called 'the Gravedigger,' and your personal jet, 'the Crippler' - what do you call your motorcycle?
A: the iron horse

Q: So, your summer home at 10050 Lonesome Lane in Cielo is nicknamed 'the Love Shack,' and your former home at 312 Skid Row was nicknamed 'the Dollhouse' - have you figured out anything to designate your new home at 1999 Lisbon Drive?
A: YUP - IT'S NAME IS the 1999 KISS CRADLE - you know, like rattles and bibs and night lights when we go to bed

Q: Besides the Wolfman Jack Show, what kind of music do you listen to?
A: the best of the 60's, the best of the 70's and the best of joey singing in the shower

Q: How much do you pay Joey to be seen with you? Everyone knows that you're not really in love.
A: he pays me £21.15 a week - half in cash, the other half in coupons for things like bear hugs and piggyback rides

Q: You and Jimmy obviously had pet names for each other; do you and Joey follow this trend as well?
A: he calls me sticky; i call him biscuits

Q: So, if you call each other 'Sticky' and 'Biscuits' - what do your friends call the two of you?
A: DUH- THE KING + QUEEN OF THE PROM

damn, her column should come with a little glass box that says 'break in case of emergency' and contains a disposable foilie, box of matches and hollowed-out inkpen within. i can barely make it through a whole article without bearhugging my baking soda and aluminum foil and i mean it!

the doll makes a futile attempt to kill headlock

joey buys her motorbike as early christmas gift; she nearly maims headlock with it

a couple of weeks ago, while the doll and her young kiss were on holiday in grimaldi, joey came across a vintage motorcycle being peddled by a real live greaser and knew that he just had to buy it for baby babble. when joey called and had it rerouted to their new easy street hills home in arcadia, it ended up arriving earlier than expected; so, joey decided to let kathleen open it early. i think we all know where this is going...............

within moments of turning the key to 'on,' she had totaled the bike - with headlock riding bitch. a frantic joey rushed the two to hospital. kathleen is fine - she'll probably outlive us all - but headlock broke his left arm, wrist and cracked a rip as well. while she was talking to doctors, she confessed that she hadn't eaten all day long, took some quaaludes and guzzled a couple of drinks before the crash, sure, but she wasn't tipsy. um, only a couple drinks? come on, doll, don't kid yourself! try a couple bottles. and quaaludes? where did you manage those from? a time capsule from 1974? she also told headlock that he should have known that he was driving her to drink.....and drive.......

her brother told the papers that, not to worry, baby babble's camp had already sent for ludo ludovic - trotsky's old rent-boy - to replace grandpa headlock until he feels better. they also contracted out the help of a specialist to repair kathleen's broken motorbike. okay, can someone please give me a good reason as to why in the fuck are they fixing the 'cycle back up? that thing is a deathtrap and if the million dollar brat isn't careful, she'll be the next asshole walking into hospital with a broken arm - or worse.

speaking of which, i'll bet headlock wishes that day would come sooner rather than later - because katty cakes was a straight up bitch to him while he was hurting. the doll said that she was seconds away from demanding a prescription-strength bullet in the head and ending it all, since headlock wouldn't shut the fuck up! she said that he was in so much pain and crying like such a skirt that is was "tear-jerking to see him in such a state." and by that, kathleen of course means that she thought long and hard about suffocating him with one of the hospital's flatter-than-cardboard pillows. i say, in her defense, she's a writer - not a nurse. caring about people isn't part of her gig.

hopefully, for her sake, while the doll was in hospital she asked for a quick vitamin transfusion - because she is beginning to look a little on the ratty side yet again. on the other hand, it could be for the reason that the million dollar morphine brat conned the doctors out of a couple of narcotic pain injections for her on the low-low. sodapop joked to the press that is made his sister so loopy, she started dancing in the hallway of the emergency room until she fell down and passed out for a little disco nap. to that i say - damn! kathleen needs to get me the street name of that shit.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

i have no doubt that trotsky is going cartwheels in his grave right now. he was the doll's sidekick and doubled as her ultra-femme advisor; and as her advisor, i know he would have advised her in the opposite direction, especially if it was anything that included the words 'jimmy kiss' and 'permanent' in the sentence.

if you ask me, this come as a total sucker punch to my windpipe; i mean, i had heard around the campfire that kathleen and joey were having some issues - i suspected it was because of jimmy rubbing his second rate, wannabe doll girlfriend in kat's face - but she has got to be fucking kidding me with this tattoo shit!

the fence reported that the pretty people club luminary wandered onto the arcadian high road last night and waltzed into the first tattoo shop that she could see. the artists inside refused to tattoo her, as she was blackout drunk - a result of logging some important hours at the club de luxe with drinking pal and lost boy rocko j. nasty - so, she began throwing money at them until they ultimately agreed to ink her. okay, i'm lying - she flashed them until they ultimately agreed to ink her with what will now be known as the dumbest tattoo......ever.

joey was blindsided by the news - just like me - but still pretty pleased with himself that he's since kicked the doll to the curb; and he let the whole world know about it. the young kiss must have been taking lessons from captain loose lips himself, sodapop, because he told the fence that the doll screws with his head on a regular basis and that her shitty choice of a tattoo isn't the first time that she's intentionally done something to hurt his feelings. joey revealed that a little over two months ago - while jimmy was still haunting the 10050 - he woke up late in the doll's bed, only to realize that kathleen had disappeared! fearing the worst, he reached for his trusty shotgun - WTF? - and began to search the house. it was upon stumbling into the guest bedroom - where jimmy was rooming - that joey discovered his brother and kathleen locked in a steamy conversation and gazing deeply into each other's eyes. they also may or may not have been sharing a bottle of wine. feeling like his heart had been smashed into a hundred little pieces with a sledgehammer; you know joey stared long and hard at that shotgun before he put it away. he claims that he now considers the memory a bygone one, but i say he's full of it - i'll bet joey's voice was breaking the entire time he was participating in his own open-air therapy session with the press. he's a kiss - this he cannot change - being a wet mop is in their blood, it's as simple as this.

okay, i think i should switch back to making fun of the doll right now. i'll put it this way, unless she's trying to put some kind of witchy spell on jimmy via tattooing his own name on her flesh - i'm not interested. that shit just howls : laser removal, big mistake and wrong.

mr. obvious says that kathleen is a bad influence

um, duh

trotsky was taken into custody last night for public indecency, intoxication and resisting arrest - when questioned by the fuzz, he told officers that kathleen was his boss and that she's a "bad influence" on him. i'm sure everyone in the police station and nearby vicinity was instantly brought to their knees from paralyzing laughter. i know that i was.

when the deputies asked why he didn't have any clothes on, trotsky said that kathleen had dared him to and he didn't want to seem like a big baby huey by saying no. when the cops asked him why he had white powder around the outside of his nose, he replied that katty cakes took him to a wild party in the easy street hills with all her friends. good cover!

okay, she may be a shitty role model, but the doll really came through with her witch magic and saved the day; she had her lawyer - judah fussganger - summoned and the charges against trotsky vanished into a cloud of glitter within a matter of seconds. okay, i'm lying - trotsky didn't get out until this morning and when he died - kathleen was nowhere to be found! still, i'm sure her witchcraft helped in his release, even if she was casting spells in her heroin-activated sleep.

without hesitation, once trotsky had been released from the pokey, he told reporters on the scene that he's going to give kathleen a good tongue-lashing the next time he sees her, because she was right by his side when the fuzz showed up - and then she took off running without him! he attested that wild honeypie was there one second and the next, all he could see was blonde hair fading into the horizon. he tried to catch up to her, but was apprehended and immediately arrested and handcuffed. LOL. i don't know what he expected - maybe next time he'll keep his head on a swivel like wild honeypie and run too.

trotsky - in classic sodapop fashion - continued to spill outside of the cielo jailhouse this morning and said that the real reason he's so bummed is because, "spending the night in jail cost me a hot date." well, why didn't you say so? the doll gets with anything that walks, talks and wears a trilby hat; but not everyone has it that easy! even trotsky needs love too.

speaking of trilbies, can someone please tell baby babble that it is not cool to pass jimmy's highly valued statement piece around to all her boyfriends? think about it - in a cold, dark and lonely alley somewhere, jimmy is trying to fight off the crocodile tears and is keeping his head warm with a pile of newspapers.

this is the best photograph of jimmy kiss....ever

jimmy kiss, the wet mop

jimmy kiss isn't getting the hint. ever since the doll dumped his ass for loyal, she asked him to kindly pack up and leave...only he won't pack up and leave. today, headlock had to put his things out on the curb of kathleen's 10050 lonesome lane home. then, when jimmy realized what was up, he casually tried to slink off to the riot house, where he was then casually denied room and board. he thinks he's slick!

there was no confirmation, however, as to if jimmy used the line, "don't you know who i am?" too bad, he should have tried it. riot house staff could have then responded, "yes, we do! and that's the problem." then again, they could have also said, "no, we don't! and that's the way it's staying." shit, why not try them both?

speaking of flophouses, kathleen might be joining jimmy soon - word on the street has it that kathleen is as broke as a joke. and no, it's not going up her nose - insiders say that she's footing the bill for the freak fest and hasn't an extra penny to her name. if you ask me, that's a crock of shit. she's got partners and backers just like everybody else. for, if it comes down to the doll choosing between her festival or her foilies - foilies wins every time.

and it's like nothing ever happened

here we go again

it's the summer of love and kathleen recently found herself choosing between maynard b. alberkraut and someone who could be easily confused with a wet mop. jimmy just got out of the slammer a couple of minutes ago - in something he calls a 'mixup' - and even though kathleen didn't take any time out of her super, super busy schedule of eating candies, sunning in a bikini, slugging down booze and chasing the dragon to see him behind bars, word around the campfire has it that you can now call her jimmy's girl again. she even allowed him to move all his shit - a couple of trilbies, a pair of winklepicker boots and an old iron maiden LP - back into the 10050 love shack.

good! i'm glad. i was never a chairholding member in the i love 'kraut committee. ok, maybe a little at first, but by the end, he had me asleep.....to death, i'm telling you!

there were two major turning points. firstly, kathleen went to the hep parade magazine offices yesterday morning to dot some Is and cross some Ts - she told them that maynard was a 'stunt' and that she's happily back snorting lines off of jimmy's butt again. ok, she didn't say the last part, but she was thinking it. a stunt? well, she sure had me going. i wish i were smarter.

secondly, jimmy told the front pages something today that truly made me cringle madly deeply, "she's the one - i want my ring on her finger." he's only said shit like this one other time - he got trashed in arcadia without kathleen and got lost on the streets. the fuzz somehow caught up with him and offered kiss a ride home. only problem was - he couldn't remember where the hell he lived! he told them, "you know, the house with all the flashers out front, trying to catch a glimpse of my bride." turns out he was just super verschinckered, because the next day, the doll just laughed and laughed the story away. in response to the rumor that jimmy started today, kathleen said, "no! not even on a bet!"

still, it sounds like he wants to marry her......or something. you know, he'd have a better shot at her accepting if he proposed with a ring made of candy - or black tar heroin. oh, and if he had the money to buy one. jimmy's pockets have been mighty empty since the beginning of time.
now, no one - not even loose lips sodapop - will confirm, but i believe that kathleen and maynard are finally done. i heard that the doll was tired of trying to make "boring" 'kraut get outside of himself. for example, tame maynard mostly liked to lie around in bed and read books and be a goody-goody, whereas kat and kiss used to take their breakfast cereal with champagne instead of milk; they'd throw television from hotel windows, smash glass and cut themselves up with it - no one wanted to come anywhere near them! not even headlock!
so what if maynard b. opened doors for her and lit her cigarettes? kiss lights her crackpipe and goes to jail for her. that's what love is really about.

the doll's new toy

kathleen has revealed to the fence that he has a new man in her life, now that she's sacked wet mop jimmy kiss. she has been snapped out numerous times with maynard b. alberkraut, her friend from arcadia who is currently working at the riot house in hotpants, dancing on tables. i don't believe it - the picture inside the doll's locket will always be of jimmy kiss.

their romance became official at the opening riot house bash last weekend - she showed up with 'kraut and kiss, although he was banned from attending, went stag.

maynard became close to kathleen after the 312 knifings and before long, was in her inner circle. he spent time holidaying in mulholland with the doll and recently, the two took a trip upstate, to the farmy monticello to purchase property for, well, it's a surprise. baby babble told the papers, "i can't tell you what it's for - it's a surprise! it's for me to know and you to find out." you know that's just doll code for : my drug dealing hub. just you wait. in a couple of months, there's going to be a big drug bust in monticello. believe!

people close to her - aka sodapop - told the papers that the two get along like a house on fire and that kathleen thinks he's the perfect gentleman. well, of course she would! jimmy kiss was the imperfect gentleman. after seeing how kiss behaves, i'm convinced that he was either raised by wolves or savages. or both! his take on life is totally warped. come to think of it, it's just jimmy that's warped.

if you ask me, maynard b. alberkraut is a total bore. aside from being ticketed for minor in possession of tobacco - when he was sixteen - curfew and parking on the wrong side of the street, he's a snooze! for a while, everyone thought that he was the doll's new drug dealer, but after sizing him up - i highly doubt that.

'kraut makes me yawn! there's not a wild bone in his body. i mean, shit, in high school, jimmy kiss knocked up a cheerleader and she broke his heart by getting an abortion, so he brought a gun to school and the rest is history! i don't like jokes so i'm not even kidding. oh and p.s. - he was star of the football team. can you imagine? kiss doesn't have the lung capacity to go up and down the stairs, let alone a field! i suspect the doll had something to do with the write-up of his 'official' - officially bullshit, maybe - autobiography page on the world wide web. kiss was born in the gutter and he will die in the gutter. and you know that kathleen didn't attend high school because she didn't need to - she was born a genius. she was also born blonde, so don't get it twisted.

in other doll news, the beautiful one confessed that she has plans to take her family of freaks on tour - "we've received a warm welcome from the crowds in arcadia and mulholland, not to mention right here in the valley; we're gearing up right now for a movement." gearing up is right on the money. gearing up with gear! she said, "so, look out your window - because we'll be coming to a town near you!"

yes, it has been a busy couple of weeks for the sunshine kid - from breaking up with longtime loverboy jimmy kiss, to all of her work with hep parade magazine, to opening the riot house, to shacking up with maynard - and now a tour announcement. b. alberkraut told the papers that he hopes she hasn't "piled too much on her plate." earth to maynard! first lesson : this girl doesn't eat! so, there should be no problems.

back to the garden

"kids are walking barefoot all over cielo" 

if you were to stand on any high road in the valley right now, you would see select packs of the doll's freaks roaming around - about thirty or so more than usual. they are filling up the downtown streets faster than the doll smokes a gram. no, jimmy kiss hasn't dropped dead from a broken heart yet and they're gathering for his funeral - kathleen has opened up her home to the pretty people. most of them arrived by train early this morning and, according to sodapop, they will continue arriving all summer. baby babble has reopened the revolving doors of her 10050 love shack and turned it into a campground for all the young lost kids of cielo, arcadia and mulholland. these are the kids who will totally be famous in a couple of years. the 10050 is like finishing school. sodapop said;

"dig it, this is the scene - we're getting together a bunch of flintstone kids, punkers, bikies, flower children, silver spooners and buskers and we're going to find out what happens when we all party together." 

i'll bet the neighbors are thrilled.

all of the beautiful one's freaky friends have already set up camp at her lonesome lane estate - and by that, i mean they've seriously set up camp there. tents are scattered throughout the three acre property; she's even had six yurts built on and below the hillside to house her pretty people. the bulk of the freaks consist of your usual poor-little-rich-kid artist types, booted out of their upscale homes and cast into the real world. lost and still a little wet behind the ears, it was only natural that they ended up at the doll's.

like i said before, she's already given maynard b. alberkraut and ludo ludovic the most important jobs at the riot house - wearing gold hotpants and dancing on tables - so the freaks will be fighting over the dregs. some will slave at the riot house and the others at hep parade. kathleen has already made it clear that if, "you don't work, you don't eat," so those that aren't working with her will be on their own. i foresee a run in the busking occupation of downtown cielo in the very near future.

that's about all i know - i'm packing my bindle stick on the quick and hopping the next train to cielo. i've got dream to be a freak and only the doll can make that a reality!

beau badman is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

last night, kathleen and jimmy were having one of their usual knock-down and drag-out crackhead fights about beau, when the doll decided to run away from kiss and go join the badman himself in a fog of cocaine dust once and for all. only problem was - when she showed up outside the tin shack he calls a home, she busted him red-handed getting busy with another girl! cue the waterworks.

she told sodapop that she saw him through the window and when she tried to the open the door to start the slaughter, it was locked. the windows must have also been bulletproof as well, because you know she came back with a loaded gun. so, she sucked up what guts she had left and stumbled home to save the homicide for another day.

.......just kidding! wild honeypie started banging on his door until he answered and then she beat him with a frightening-looking four-fingered ring that had an uncanny resemblance to brass knuckles. she fucked up his face, stomach, ribs and back. that's right, sister! you tell him. if he takes a sledgehammer to your heart in front of god and everybody - well, then you just take a sledgehammer to his face and send him the bill!

the girl beau was banging behind kat's back ran out the door and hasn't been heard from since. that's because kathleen and sodapop totally paid her a little visit and her new address is : in a hole, beneath your feet, the middle of nowhere.

now, when i first heard this news, i couldn't believe my eyeballs, but the doll is backing all of it. she said that, "beau goodman is a plague to arcadia and i will do all in my power to drag his name through the gutter at every opportunity i find. i simply cannot wait for him to die, so that i can spit and dance on his grave." no, she didn't say the last part, but i'm sure she is planning on it.

oh and the fuzz did come to beau's easy street home to calm the situation down, but didn't arrest kathleen, because she said beau put his hands on her initially. damn! she's getting better at dealing with the pigs. i know this isn't her first time at the french opera, but she has definitely learned from her last fifteen stints in jail. the officers immediately took their mean mugs off of the doll and settled them on beau. they tackled and arrested him faster than baby babble could squeal, "get him!"

i imagine she won't be pressing charges, though, since she's his #1 fan. she'll probably just let him dry out in the can for a couple of days to scare the shit out of him. i say she should leave beau to rot in there forever and do the world some good! he's with his kind now.