baby babble's fanmail column has death rattle

for once, she didn't phone this one in

kathleen sure didn't seem to have a problem pulling out her notepad and pencil for hep parade this week; and it's a good thing too - because with the responses garnered from kathleen, it's a wonder she even has fans at all!

Q: Do you really use cocaine to help you stay up late and crank out deadlines?
A: no - i snort coffee grounds to help me stay up late and crank out deadlines
Q: Is it true that you're on cocaine right now?
A: GO FUCK URSELF - I ONLY DO DOPE, OKAY??????????????
Q: Just how many men have you scared off?
A: 2 MANY; I'M PRETTY SCARY - THE SCARIEST!!!
Q: Are you banging Joey Kiss or is it some sick sort of publicity stunt?
A: WTF - never met him........or his brother
Q: What did you ask Joey to get you for Christmas?
A: some clean needles, a real 90's letterman's jacket from a bona fide varsity jockstrap, cha cha heels, chinese gunpowder tea, a roll in the hay...............
Q: I happen to think you are one smart blonde for landing that cutie pie Joey - what's it like to be his girl?
A: IT'S LIKE CRIMSON + CLOVER OVER AND OVER
Q: Everybody knows that you always make the first move - so, Doll, what did you say to Joey to get him interested in you?
A: CUM WITH ME - I'LL MAKE U FAMOUS
Q: Jimmy Kiss still loves you, whether you give a shit or not.
A: UM OK I'LL BE SURE 2 ALERT THE FUZZ AND GET MY HOT LITTLE HANDS ON A RESTRAINING ORDER
Q: You and Jimmy are star-crossed - stop playing with Joey's heart. Good things come to those who wait and I'm sure Jimmy would wait until the end of time for you.
A: WTF is it with you people? i feel like i'm on another planet! is this a twilight zone episode i missed or what????
Q: I happen to have a babydoll dress from the 90's that I think would be perfect for you - it's purple and blue and in butterfly print. What's an address that I can send it to?
A: i don't like butterflies - just butterfly knives
Q: I know you love sugar - so, what's your favorite type of candy?
A: flying saucers, sour lollies, dusty popping sweets, cherry bootlace, neptune fizz, saturn zingers, ultra-violets, jelly snakes.............
Q: I just read a column that you did for the Pretty People Club Magazine - who knew that you were so intelligent?
A: I'M NOT JUST A CUTE GIRL - I HAVE BRAINS 2
Q: Are you going to have an preface for ☺?
A: yes, and it will go a little something like this : i, the doll of the city of arcadia, in order to form a more perfect piece of fiction, establish long trains of thought about outer space, insure domestic cats, provide for the common criminals, bestow a sense of trust on all habitual cocaine users, promote the generally lost and secure the shit that needs secured; to ourselves and our notoriety, do ordain and establish this constitution of the doll.
Q: How do you think people view you?
A: i know that you all think i'm bad, but really - i'm not
Q: You are a literary prostitute; you are a Satanic bitch with your sadistic way of writing - don't be surprised when all your pretty friends leave you in the dust and your life goes in the toilet.
A: UM I PAY 2 MUCH MONEY 2 BE IGNORED BY MY PRETTY FRIENDS - IT'S THE UGLY ONES I'M WORRIED ABOUT
Q : How does it feel to be back home in Arcadia?
A: ROFL - like taking a bump of ski-blacky off of a key for the first time
Q: Why did you choose the Easy Street Hills to live and not Skid Row? Do you want to live closer to Beau Goodman?
A: O YA RIGHT - IN BEAU'S DREAMS
Q: What's going to be different about the Riot House in Arcadia as opposed to the Riot House in Cielo?
A: one thing : BLOW AVAILABLE BY ROOM SERVICE
Q: You're not the prettiest girl on this planet by far - stop acting as if you were.
A: earth doesn't deserve me - OUTER SPACE NEEDS ME
Q: There's a small print of the same foreign phrase on the back of every issue of the Pretty People Club Magazine - what does it translate to?
A: "THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS"
Q: How do you feel about the fence, now that the media storm following Trotsky's death has lapsed?
A: the less that they know about me - the better
Q: How does it feel to be used daily by everyone you know?
A: WRONG - IT'S THE DOLL WHO DOES THE USING AROUND HERE
Q: If your town car is called 'the Gravedigger,' and your personal jet, 'the Crippler' - what do you call your motorcycle?
A: the iron horse
Q: So, your summer home at 10050 Lonesome Lane in Cielo is nicknamed 'the Love Shack,' and your former home at 312 Skid Row was nicknamed 'the Dollhouse' - have you figured out anything to designate your new home at 1999 Lisbon Drive?
A: YUP - IT'S NAME IS the 1999 KISS CRADLE - you know, like rattles and bibs and night lights when we go to bed
Q: Besides the Wolfman Jack Show, what kind of music do you listen to?
A: the best of the 60's, the best of the 70's and the best of joey singing in the shower
Q: How much do you pay Joey to be seen with you? Everyone knows that you're not really in love.
A: he pays me £21.15 a week - half in cash, the other half in coupons for things like bear hugs and piggyback rides
Q: You and Jimmy obviously had pet names for each other; do you and Joey follow this trend as well?
A: he calls me sticky; i call him biscuits
Q: So, if you call each other 'Sticky' and 'Biscuits' - what do your friends call the two of you?
A: DUH- THE KING + QUEEN OF THE PROM

damn, her column should come with a little glass box that says 'break in case of emergency' and contains a disposable foilie, box of matches and hollowed-out inkpen within. i can barely make it through a whole article without bearhugging my baking soda and aluminum foil and i mean it!

Q: are you writing this from inside trotsky's coffin?

A: DUH

um, is it just me or is kathleen a handful of pills away from ending it all? if you don't agree now, perhaps you will after reading her latest installment for hep parade.

Q: Mulholland or the Isle of Grimaldi?
A: grimaldi - going to mulholland makes me want to slit my wrists
Q: You know, for Trotsky's sake, you shouldn't joke about wanting to kill yourself.
A: you think i'm kidding
Q: When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: i wanted to be able to write a mean book; and now, my books are so mean, that they never call their mother
Q: So, just how did you get your reputation?
A: by being the bitch that nobody wants to be
Q: No, really - how did someone like you get to be so famous?
A: someone like me???? um, i used to be the prettiest doll in arcadia and now i'm the prettiest doll in cielo
Q: I thought HEP! was a great dedication to the friendship that you and Trotsky shared - congratulations.
A: you obviously didn't 'get' HEP! then
Q: You are such a stupid slut. Do humankind a favor and disappear - you can take your little party dresses and your dollies with you.
A: many a true word spoken in jest
Q: If only you knew the people that I have keeping tabs on you - you would probably think twice about the things you do.
A: HEADLOCK??????????????? WTF i've done nothing incriminating.........yet
Q: I read a gossip report recently that said you fell asleep during a phone interview and cited the reason as you were "high as a kite off of heroin" - any truth in this?
A: I THINK DOPE IS DOPE - what's it to you?
Q: Are you a morning person?
A: NO WAY - especially not today. someone had been calling me all morning since 666 o'clock. some of us still live fast and die young, you know? and it just had to be someone from the fence! none of my friends wake up that early - they stay up that late
Q: I'm sure that you're tired of being badgered about Trotsky and all the elements surrounding his death, but I've always had a question about him and figured it was now or never - why did Trotsky select the 69th room at the Riot House as his suite?
A: R U FUCKING WITH ME? trotsky was as camp as a row of pink tents
Q: What did you think when Hep Parade Magazine told you to write another fanmail piece?
A: I THOUGHT 'O GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT DETH IN NOVEMBER
Q: I miss the normal Kathleen - when is she coming back to Planet Earth?
A: ROFL - WHEN WAS I 'NORMAL?'
Q: You probably won't spill, but were you the one who gave Trotsky the 'barbies?'
A: well, that depends - is it a crime that the pigs just write a little ticket for; or is it a crime where they puts my hands behind my back and wrap those darling silver bracelets around my wrists?
Q: Why the Jimmy tattoo?
A: U SAY 'WHY?' - I SAY 'WHY NOT?'
Q: Could you give me an estimate of the percentage of people around you that snort coke?
A: 100% this is cielo DUH
Q: Gibby Bastien is naturally gorgeous, whereas you have to pancake your makeup on and yet you still look like you rolled out of the grave. I'm glad Jimmy Kiss has moved onto a more mature woman and left the little girl in the playground.
A: WTF? playground.....grave.....natural.......U CAN SAY WHATEVER, BUT GIB HAS YET 2 ENTER THE 10050
Q: What is the last thing Trotsky said to you?
A: "doll, i can't breathe in here."
Q: Well, then what's the last thing that you said to Trotsky?
A: "but, baby, you are safe - in here."

it's almost like kathleen has spent one too many hours hovering over her favorite framed picture of trotsky, blowing lines. she probably thinks she can talk to his ghost now too. quick! someone check the doll's pulse - i want to be 100% sure that she's still with us.

here we are again

and so soon

i hate to say this, but i really can't wait until hep parade tells kathleen, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" once and for all, because this fanmail shit is for the birds.
you know the doll, though; she has always been quite the bitch and hardly appreciates her fans. speaking of, get out your reading glasses and get ready for another ascent to outer space, courtesy of our one and only baby babble!

Q: Do you really think that you'll still be relevant in 10 years?
A: no, from what i've been told, i've proved that underground literature is a bankable commodity - THEY WON'T NEED ME 4EVER

Q: Isn't it funny that Jimmy's new girlfriend looks just like you?
A: O YA - THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

Q: Did Jimmy really replace you with Trotsky's sister?
A: LMAO!!!!!!! YA RIGHT! restraining order

Q: I heard Jimmy Kiss recently took a foray into the music business. How does this make you feel?
A: like killing myself - jimmy kiss singing makes birds fall dead from the trees

Q: Oh yeah? Well I also heard that he's doing a show in Arcadia at the Disco Room soon.
A: IS THAT SO? WHEN AND WUT TIME??? I'LL HAVE THE FUZZ WAITING IN CALLY ALLEY 4 HIS LOSER ASS!

Q: Since when did you start on all the Jimmy Kiss hate?
A: SINCE 4 EVER. DUH.

Q: What's the last thing you said to Jimmy?
A: you can eat shit for all i care...

Q: I love you.
A: JOEY'S GONNA BE SO MAD

Q: Did you ever go to your high school prom?
A: OF COURSE NOT - 2 UGLY

Q: What would you describe yourself as?
A: LIFER

Q: Did Jimmy teach you the term 'lifer?'
A: ROFL - HE WISHES

Q: Do you drive drunk?
A: only always - me sober attracts too much attention

Q: Quick! Go to your window right now - how many photographers are outside your house?
A: LOL - 1 FLASHER, 2 FLASHER, 3 FLASHER....when i'm alone i count myself - ONE DOLL!

Q: I have some blow - I'll be at the Riot House, in room 234, under the name of 'Kurk Crowbar' - can you meet me there on Monday?
A: BLOW? I LOVE BLOW. WUT TIME????

Q: Let's meet at midnight - wear all black.
A: U GOT IT

Q: Will you ever marry?
A: WHO WOULD WANT 2 MARRY ALL THIS??? I SUCK

Q: What's with the outer space talk? You start going to astronaut school or something?
A: i dropped out of astronaut school - besides, i've already been to the moon and looked down on the earth; UR NOTHING IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN 2 SPACE

Q: Go ahead and sign with Hep Parade because your latest boyfriend works there - they just want to make a quick profit off of you.
A: PROPHET = PROFIT

Q: So, if you are what you eat, then what does that make you - nothing?
A: OOOH GOOD ONE

Q: How's the heroin from Cielo compare with the heroin from Arcadia?
A: IT'S MORE DOPE

Q: I've followed you're entire career and noticed one thing - you have no friends that are female. What is with this?
A: THERE'S NOT ROOM ENOUGH FOR 2 QUEEN QUNTS IN THIS TOWN

Q: I've heard that you have terrible vision and been in more accidents than you can remember - how do you still have a license?
A: IDK - sometimes i can't even see signs until after i've passed them. IS THAT BAD?

Q: Where do you believe your appeal truly lies?
A: IN OUTER SPACE, DUH - no, i believe it's because i truly DGAF

Q: Whatever happened to Sodapop? Did you finally shut him up?
A: LOL I WISH - he's still kicking around somewhere....probably chasing some tail

Q: I was informed that you only make a mere ten thousand a day. Am I wrong, or are you in the poorhouse now?
A: U WERE ILL INFORMED - i make a million a day

um, what - the poorhouse? please. she makes boatloads of cash as it is, what with all the gibberish she scribbles out. the doll has made her fortune off of plenty of different things over the years : books, columns, death threats to beau badman, essays, jimmy kiss' eulogy, speeches, shit that nobody understands...why would she be in the poorhouse? i mean, the bandanna was one thing, but she's since given that up for a super sweet denim jacket from 1993 that joey handed down to her. duh.

and, if i could direct this towards sodapop - you know he's chasing a gaggle of flashers around, trying to get some kind of story published. it's either that or he's dead, because there's nothing that can shut him up.

 

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"
Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT
Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me
Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL
Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies
Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up
Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin
Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK
Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high
Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?
Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME
Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am
Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk
Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET
Q: Virgin?
A: whore
Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE
Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????
Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"
Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo
Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far
Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far
Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

kathleen to fans : "if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck"

more like : if it ain't cokey babble, it ain't kathleen

i'd advise you to take off your belt, wrap it tight 'round your arm and get your vein ready - it's time to slam some words of wisdom from the doll.

 

Q: So just how did you break up with Jimmy Kiss? He still seems pretty heartbroken.
A: i told him LOOK KISS, IT'S BEEN REAL AND IT'S BEEN FUN - BUT IT AIN'T BEEN REAL FUN

Q: Just how many people have you slept with?
A: THIS QUESTION HAS NO WRONG ANSWER

Q: What do you miss most about Jimmy Kiss?
A: HIS GROWL

Q: I saw Heidi Gretchen Alberkraut and Loyal locked in conversation last night at the Riot House. He was feeding her drinks all night and she had her hand on his thigh. Later on, I saw them again, flirting in the smoking area. Your thoughts?
A: they totally banged that night

Q: Just saying - I would pray if I were you.
A: okay, i'll start right now - GOD OF ATOM, GOD OF THINE' ALL THE WORLD OF POWER IS MINE

Q: Have you ever been to jail before? I mean, besides the drunk tank.
A: LURK MORE - the drunk tank is my kind of tank

Q: I read that you were once jailed for publically beating Jimmy Kiss in the street. Any truth in that?
A: NONE - it was trotsky; we were high on mushrooms and went streaking down lookout mountain

Q: How long will it take you to learn that drugs are bad?
A: i don't understand

Q: What a great role model you are - taking heroin and talking about Satan. There will be a special place reserved in hell for you.
A: this planet doesn't deserve me - HELL NEEDS ME

Q: You've been in the spotlight for years...do you even have any friends left?
A: HEROIN IS DOPE

Q: My friends tell me that you'll fuck on the first date - I've got some warm booze and a joint waiting for you in the backseat of my car with your name on it.
A: FUNNY - what kind of car you drive?

Q: I drive a 90's import.
A: SEE YOU @ 9 BABE

Q: Leather jackets or jean jackets?
A: DUH, jean

Q: You are such a stupid little girl...how does it feel to be just another average Cielo airhead?
A: KISS U KNOW I'M ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: I hope you enjoy your time with Loyal...you know he's just going to get while the getting's good when it's his time - don't take it personally! Honestly, we're all waiting for the day you realize it was a mistake to leave Jimmy and go crawling back to him.
A: ROFL - the day i go crawling back to kiss is the day is have a tag on my toe

Q: Are you still relevant?
A: well, i have three unanswered bags of mail so...U TELL ME SMARTGUY

Q: What do I have to do to hang out with you?
A: BLOW..........and lots of it

Q: Do you miss the Gravedigger?
A: LIKE IT WAS MY RIGHT TIT - cruising around on the back of loyal's motorbike doesn't quite cut it

Q: Do you actually live on Lonesome Lane?
A: I NEVER TELL A LIE - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DOLL ON THE PLANET, 10050 LONESOME LANE, CIELO

Q: What is your idea of a good time?
A: jacking the heat in my house up to 73 degrees and running around with no clothes on

Q: What's the story with HEP!?
A: there is no story - it's a moving picture. THE ANTI-STORY

Q: Correct me if I am wrong, but Trotsky is gay, right?
A: trotsky is so much more than that

Q: Johnny Frigiletti - who is he?
A: he was trotsky's rent boy - now ludo ludovic is - and does everything media-related for the camp. he survived the 312 bloodbath and went on to finish DIG! by his lonesome and is currently working on HEP!

Q: Jimmy Kiss, Beau Goodman, Maynard B. Alberkraut and Loyal the Lost Boy - what have you learned?
A: if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck

Q: What happened to the Doll we once knew and loved?
A: i don't know how to tell you this, but she's long gone - BOX CITY SWEETHEART

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: black - like my heart

Q: Do you ever answer questions seriously or is it just that you never get any serious questions?
A: well, that all depends - R U BEING SRS?

Q: Which Kiss brother do you think is cuter - Jimmy or Joey?
A: JOHNNY

Q: I've been seeing Joey Kiss roaming around Cielo lately; does this mean you finally moved him into the Love Shack?
A: yes but don't tell his big brother - JIMMY WILL TAKE TWO SHITS AND DIE

Q: Can we bang? Like no joke - dead up.
A: SURPRISE ME

Q: I would die if I met you! The first time I saw you, you were topless and flipping off a crowd of people. Then you sort of passed out on the stairs on your way down.
A: TYPICAL DOLL

that's my girl! topless one second and unconscious the next.

 

fanmail of the freak fest

the beautiful one was sweet enough to take time out of her super busy schedule of rioting, drugging writers, setting fires, overturning police cars and running around naked to answer some fanmail during the festival.

why the freak fest is still relevant i have no clue. but hey, since it is, here are the answers to the letters that were piling up at kathleen's feet backstage - bear in mind, she claims to have written it on the third morning, when she was probably high on drugs! there is a ghostwriter behind this...i'm just saying!

Q: How's the Freak Fest so far?
A: it's the coolest party i've ever hosted
Q:Is it true that you took your top off during your set?
A: OH YA SURE - I TOOK MY PANTS OFF 2!
Q: I'm sure that you are really loving the Freak Fest, but don't you miss the comforts of Cielo just a little bit?
A: yes - i miss the coston fox; cruising around in the gravedigger, pumping bollywood music, annoying headlock....i also miss hot showers like a motherbear
Q:The Coston Fox? Is that a code name for something?
A: THE COSTON FOX IS SO REAL, HE DOESN'T NEED A NAME - his name actually is the coston fox
Q: How hot is it there, in Monticello, right now?
A: it's hot enough that loyal's eyes are two fried eggballs. it's hot enough that kids aren't selling drugs - they're bootlegging bottled waters. it's hot enough that sodapop is complaining, OH WAIT....LOL!
Q: £4 for a bottle of measly water? Is this a joke?
A: NOPE, YOU FORGOT 2 ADD ON THE SALES TAX! STUPID!
Q: I live in Monticello myself and you've got to tell me - when it comes to camping at the Freak Fest, who is a big crybaby and who is a bigger crybaby?
A: TROTSKY; SODAPOOP. DUH. i pushed soda in the mud yesterday and he was glaring razorblades at me for the rest of the afternoon - trotsky has about thirty mosquito bites because he simply refuses to wear anything other than glitter and gold lamé hotpants!
Q: So, just how is Trotsky holding up?
A: he. and. ludo. won't. stop. raving. HOW AM I HOLDING UP IS THE QUESTION. and not very well is the answer, when it comes to those two.
Q: So, is Jimmy cool with you hanging around his little brother?
A: oh yeah, he's absolutely psyched about it
Q: You know, I keep reading about you and Joey Kiss, but I bet you and Jimmy Kiss will be back together in no time...
A: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i'd rather be hung by my toes and have my eyeballs gouged out with two, red-hot fire pokers!
Q: Wait a second - are you with Joey Kiss or are you with Loyal the Lost Boy?
A: I STILL GOT MY BANDANNA ON, DON'T I?
Q: What is your favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: COCAINE
Q: What is Trotsky's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: rolling in glitter and holding hands with ludo
Q:What is Sodapop's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: flapping his lips, being a big baby huey
Q:What are the Lost Boys' favorite Freak Fest pastimes?
A: STEALING HUBCAPS, STUD CIGARETTES AND HEROIN
Q: I would never pay a dime for the Freak Fest - long lines, hot weather and outrageous prices just to see you? Please!
A: LOL WUT A GIP, RIGHT? i guess the 700,00 people who bought tickets aren't as smart as you
Q: I read that people weren't buying tickets...just sneaking in through the Freak Wall...any truth to that?
A: GO 2 PANEL 777, KNOCK 7 TIMES, USE THE PASSWORD "I FORGOT" - my goons will let you just walk right in!
Q: What is your favorite Lost Boys song?
A: "MARY LIKES 2 SHOOT DARTS"
Q: Trotsky's cute...does he have any brothers?
A: he has a sister, gibby - BUT PAWS OFF! sodapop's going steady with her
Q: Gibby, what a pretty name - I'll be she's a looker!
A: yeah, she looks just like her brother - WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?
Q:I read that the high of the first day was 103°! Got a sunburn yet?
A: no, but i have 33 bugbites - calamine lotion and i are one
Q:Who are the Hell Boys?
A: a bunch of pansies who are giving cielo a bad reputation
Q: What did the Hell Boys say to make the Lost Boys so angry?
A: the hell boys said, "the lost boys were jewelry and pink panties." boy, that really bent rocko j. nasty out of shape - EVERYONE KNOWS HE WEARS PURPLE PANTIES!
Q: Have fun with your little party of freaks - I'll bet Jimmy Kiss is glad to be rid of you!
A: LOL I KNOW - THE FLOPHOUSE IS SUCH A STEP UP
Q: Who is and isn't on your guestlist for backstage?
A: IS: joey kiss, trotsky, ludo ludovic, sodapop, gibby bastien, maynard, heidi gretchen alberkraut
ISN'T: jimmy kiss, beau goodman, the fence
Q: I heard that you got in a fight with Heidi Gretchen backstage, because...she is blonde and you are blonde; Loyal had drunkenly confused you for her and the two were flirting...any truth in that?
A: ROFL NONE - i pulled my knife out, onstage, because she was calling loyal a "hood" and a "JD," because he was drunker than a skunk and falling asleep sitting up
Q: Okay, I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't Gibby, like, only 16 years old? Come on, are you for real?
A: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AGE
Q: And while we're on the topic of age - isn't Loyal only 17?
A: WRONG!!!!!!!!! HE'S 17 AND A HALF!

kathleen gets an A+ for effort with me, but i'd really love to meet the people who send these questions in. all i know is, i have a lot of questions for the doll and none of them involve soda's favorite pastime or if jimmy gives a shit that joey and kathleen are chummy chums. my inquests are more along the lines of : "what the hell is the matter with you?" and, "what's with the bandanna?" and, "are you still trying to make this 90's thing happen?"

the fanmail answers itself nowadays

you've got to hang it to the doll's fans - if they didn't support her, who would? no one, that's who!

and hopefully, for her sake, they can continue to support her, because the beautiful one doesn't have much to do this summer. DIG! was set to premiere in the fall, but kathleen purposely pushed it to the summertime to clear her schedule; ☺ has been put on hold until further notice. other than bothering the riot house staff and answering fanmail, the doll has nothing but time on her hands. speaking of fanmail.....time to suffer!

Q: Missed me, missed me, now you've got to...?
A: MY MOM AND YOUR MOM WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES

Q: I read somewhere that you and Jimmy were secretly married. Is that for real?
A: snot true!!!

Q: Do you use coupons?
A: ROFL

Q: Have you ever done something completely disgusting, just because someone paid you? (Note : heroin doesn't count!)
A: if heroin doesn't count - I DON'T WANNA PLAY

Q: Do you charge admission to your house parties?
A: ....SUCKERS!

Q: No, really. If I come to Cielo, I want to see 10050 Lonesome Lane.
A: that costs money too

Q: Who do you love?
A: i love the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Q: I read once that, during the writing of ☺, you suffered from insomnia. What's the truth in this?
A: I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE

Q: Have you ever had team sex?
A: what's team sex? I'LL WIN.

Q: When you drive, do you drive the speed limit?
A: LIMITS ARE 4 SQUARES

Q: Paranoid?
A: COYOTE

Q: You worried?
A: the doll, worry? IDGAF

Q: Which of Jimmy's features do you like most?
A: BUTT - next question

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: first, cielo - THEN, THE WORLD

Q: If I wanted to take you out for hamburgers - sans the tomatoes - would you let me?
A: i never eat.....HAMBURGERS

Q: This question is for Jimmy Kiss : When you finally leave that eyesore Kat, do you think she'll become a harpy? I do.
A: WHY I OUGHTA - harpy? really? JIMMY'S THE HARPY

Q: Are you happy with your life?
A: i'm happy with death

Q: Wow, I was reading Hep Parade the other day and I saw that you have a copy of the Satanic Bible in your Riot House bungalow. Never figured you for a Devil-worshipper.
A: SATAN'S MY #1 FAN - 666!!!

Q: Beau Goodman, Marynard B. Alberkraut or Jimmy Kiss?
A: beau is garbage, maynard is green - jimmy's the still point of my turning world

Q: Isn't Beau dead?
A: worse - HEMMED UP

Q: Did you break up with Maynard because he doesn't like to party?
A: KRAUT PARTIES LIKE IT'S 1999 - he takes a whiskey sour at the riot house when i'm nice enough to give him drink tickets

Q: Okay - then what is it? Did he not put out?
A: PASS

Q: Sodapop likes to talk about you in the papers like there's no tomorrow - what's one of his dirty little secrets?
A: mother and father used to call him "the mistake" - one time they put him in the oven with the gas on as a young child

Q: God loves you.
A: cod? what cod do you speak of? THERE IS NO COD.

Q: Who is this Loyal character I keep hearing about?
A: LOYAL IS THE DUKE OF PUKE

Q: I don't get it - are the Lost Boys greasers, or are they punks?
A: GREASY PUNKS

Q: What is the Coston Fox?
A: the coston fox is your friend. he lurks nearby lonesome lane, but on coston - THE COSTON FOX LOVES CIELO

Q: You have it so easy - some would kill to be in your shoes.
A: ROFL - some have tried to kill to be in these shoes

Q: Why would anyone, in their right mind, drive all the way up Lonesome Lane?
A: to see the doll of course! JUST GO2 THE END OF THE LANE!

Q: Trotsky seems like the little brother of the 10050 - does he have a nickname?
A: Baby Bear

all i have to say is - harpy.

i don't know how much longer i can do this with you, doll

it is time, yet again, to gather 'round and lend your eyes to kathleen. she's been answering her fanmail every other week like a good girl for hep parade magazine and unless you've been hovering over a dusty mirror for the last few months - it's the hottest thing on the block. hep parade has reported a surge in membership and they have even given kathleen a £100,000 raise. i don't get it!
Q: You're still really trying to make this '90s thing happen, aren't you?
A: it's the SUMMER OF LOVE

Q: What is the Summer of Love?
A: there's a lot of 40s, calamine lotion, doobies, heavy metal and freaks

Q: No, seriously - what happened to your jean jacket?
A: it's went back to 1993......PSYCHE!

Q: Punk rock?
A: PUNK RAWK.

Q: Which did you like better : 312 Skid Row or 10050 Lonesome Lane?
A: ROOM 666 @ THE RIOT HOUSE

Q: I read that you and Jimmy are actually married and you have a child on the way - care to comment?
A: i don't read fiction - I WRITE IT

Q: Why do you get thrown out of all the clubs?
A: they throw me out for being too rich

Q: What in the hell is the Riot House?
A: best party in cielo

Q: You're so Generation X.
A: I BELONG TO THE BLANK GENERATION

Q: You know, I really used to like and respect you. When all my cool friends talked badly about you - I would stand up for you. But after you broke up with Jimmy Kiss and ran his name through the mud to make yourself some quick cash - you lost me. I'm sure I'm not the first either. Get it together.
A: Wait a second, wait a second - HOW COOL ARE THESE 'COOL FRIENDS' AGAIN?

Q: Give me 3 words that best describe you.
A: God among mortals.

Q: Is ☺ ever going to be released?
A: NOT TODAY

Q: I think it's sad that you're using film footage of your dead friends for DIG! It must be hard to live with yourself.
A: LIVE FAST - maybe you'll die young

Q: Coke or heroin?
A: foilies - ONLY FOILIES

Q: Even though I'm sure that you'll respond 'NOTHING' - what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
A: dolls!

Q: Why was Jimmy arrested?
A: kiss got hemmed up because he's kiss - NEXT QUESTION

Q: A pool party? Isn't that a little junior high-ish?
A: what's it to you? DON'T BE A FOOL - GET IN THE POOL

Q: I really think you should give Jimmy a second chance. You and Maynard aren't meant for each other. Atticus Finch, really? Really?
A: REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Trotsky has said in the past that you're a "bad influence" on him - specifically that you give him drugs on occasion. What's the hardest drug you've ever given him?
A: MY FACE IS NUMB

my face is numb too - and not in a good way. don't write when you're high on crack everybody!

baby babble answers her fanmail

the doll is such a hoot! her latest composition for hep parade magazine has me thinking that she doesn't take anyone - except herself - seriously! if she continues on like this, she won't have any fans left! well, other than myself.

in fact, i'm almost convinced that the beautiful one made up most of these questions by herself. the only one that i'm not sure about is : "I'll be at the Riot House tomorrow - I'll have your eight-ball ready. I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Satan Loves Me."" if that's not jimmy kiss, then i don't know what is!

Q: Do you think Jimmy Kiss still cares about you?
A: i don't think

Q: Are you single now or what?
A: or what

Q: I heard that you fucked for fame - is that true?
A: hey, i heard that too!!!!!

Q: Is the Riot House only for your friends or can normal people stay there too?
A: WEIRDOS ONLY - what is this 'normal' shit?

Q: You always look so gross - when did you get that jean jacket, 1996?
A: ROFL - you are so right, i am so filthy it's disgusting

Q: Are you mean in real life or is that just your reputation?
A: i like being mean.......BUT NOT TO YOU

Q: You know that you're totally going to hell when you die, right?
A: HELL NEEDS ME - heaven doesn't deserve me

Q: You need to clean up your act and quit with the drugs bullshit and find a nice boyfriend - not Jimmy or Beau.
A: LOL WUT - shut up headlock!

Q: What kind of drugs do you want, I can get you anything. I know people who know people - let's party!
A: I WANT THEM ALL - LET'S HUG
Q: I really like your columns for Hep Parade and I can't wait for DIG! and ☺ to come out - what's next after that?
A: ALOTTA FREAKS!

Q: I like what you're doing - we should get together. I can make you famous.
A: talk to my agent

Q: Are you really into the Devil?
A: YES HAIL SATAN 666

Q: Have you ever blown Beau Goodman?
A: i have done blow with him - LOL FOILIES!

Q: You really do like your heroin, don't you?
A: not enough

Q: No one care about anything you do - you mean nothing.
A: LOL WUT

Q: How fun is the Riot House on a scale of 1-10?
A: there is no scale for disco

Q: Is Disco all you play at the Riot House?
A: no, we also play punk rawk, doo wop do wop, heavy metal, polka and funk - why? WHAT'S IT TO YOU? WRITING A BOOK OR SOMETHING?

Q: I'll be at the Riot House tomorrow - I'll have your eight-ball ready. I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Satan Loves Me."
A: no one loves you - NOT EVEN SATAN

Q: Did you love Jimmy Kiss?
A: i don't love

Q: Do you really roll your own doobies? I thought you would have someone for that...
A: ROFL - if the doll were a country, rolling up doobs would be the national pastime

Q: Who is @heavyhorse?
A: well it's most definitely not JOEY KISS

Q: What's your favorite thing to do in Cielo?
A: DO SPEEDBALLS COUNT?? LOL

Q: Do you have any friends?
A: no, i pay trotsky, ludo and maynard to hang out with me

Q: So, let me guess, you're just one of the average Cielo airheads, right?
A: no - ABOVE AVERAGE

this is why i love her! she tells the best jokes.

wild honeypie answers her fanmail

and it's a wonder she even has any fans at all!

because summer is right around the corner, i naturally assumed that the doll would be gearing up for the season by burying herself in a bottle of booze - but i would be wrong! instead of speedballing speedballs, kat's been at her hep parade office every. goddamn. day. i don't even like jokes, so i'm not kidding. she's supposed to be writing her book, so you know she's doing everything but.

instead, she's been working her fingers to the bone.....answering her fanmail. and from the sounds of it, she's not going to have many followers left once they read her replies.
i shit you not - katty cakes is a straight up bitch!

Q: Why do you do the things you do?
A: fais rentrer les euros

Q: What's your favorite thing about the 312?
A: the fact that you can't come there!

Q: Yeah? I'm glad I'm not there, loser!
A: me too. I AM A LOSER. i hope the tears pouring down my face short-circuit the keyboard, so i never have to deal with garbage pails like you anymore!

Q: How long is Jimmy's penis?
A: "well, how long's a piece of string?"

Q: Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex with Jimmy?
A: UNDER YOUR BED

Q: Who is Cool Breeze?
A: someone i blowed and did blow with

Q: Why cocaine?
A: because heroin was more expensive that go-around

Q: Why heroin?
A: why not? who is this - HEADLOCK?

Q: What is your new book about?
A: daisy chains, the devil and big, black leather boots, whips and denim jackets - pink lipstick and tattoos

Q: Is Jimmy Jewish?
A: well, he is circumcised if that's what you're angling at

Q: How come you get away with everything you do?
A: if you had as much money as i do, you could get away with anything too

Q: Besides, "Baby Babble," does Jimmy have any other pet names for you?
A: WILD HONEYPIE

Q: What do you call him?
A: MUD - my little spoonful of sugar

Q: Do you love Jimmy?
A: I DON'T LOVE

Q: What is Jimmy's favorite thing that you make him?
A: it's called "IT'S A SURPRISE" and i make it for him every night

Q: Who makes more money - you or Jimmy?
A: jimmy baked the bread and i brought home the bacon

Q: Those close to you say that what is reported in the newspapers is completely false and that the articles printed in the magazines are dead on - but all the things printed in the papers mostly come from Sodapop's mouth - so, which is it?
A: LOL - who said they were close to me?

Q: Is Sodapop your real brother?
A: no, he was adopted as a baby. don't tell him, though, it'd break his little heart.

Q: What's the most drug-riddled club in Arcadia on a Saturday night?
A: 312 SKID ROW, ARCADIA - but don't come, because you're not invited

after reading this, i've come to the conclusion that kathleen needs better fans. now, with that out of the way - get back to work, doll! asses and elbows! ☺ isn't going to write itself!