the summer of death claims another

a couple more deaths and we can put a calendar together

well, it looks like the pair of black death overalls kathleen donned for her mates' funerals after the 312 bloodbath will have to be brought out from collecting mothballs; for, her buddy tim bob has passed onto the happy hunting ground in the sky.

after slamming a couple of armfuls of heroin and guzzling a bottle of booze, he collapsed on the floor of his flophouse hotel room - where he eventually stopped breathing. he was discovered by staff on thursday. his death has not officially been ruled by police yet, but it is said to be a suicide. those close to him told the fence that, ever since the freak fest, he experienced heavy symptoms of anxiety following the amount of publicity he received. young and impressible, he became succumbed by the spotlight.

kathleen gave an informal eulogy outside of her house today and pretty much said that tim bob was her hep parade intern and that, yes, she knew he was a writer at the time of the freak fest. she also said that she suspects foul play in his death and will be in contact with the fuzz.
detective kiss has put his theory out there too - he told police that hep parade had hired men kill tim bob, in an effort to keep kathleen out of jail, because he "knew too much" after spending several months conducting interviews with her for an article he was writing....that, to my knowledge, never came out.....and was separate from the article he wrote about the freak fest.....hmm...

in response, baby babble retorted that kiss is as dead to her as tim bob. okay, she didn't, but that comment alone made it sound like she wanted to and was biting her tongue and rolling her eyes in his general direction the whole time.
anyways, rest in peace tim bob.

the doll wants to run away to the big rock of nose candy mountains

she needs 'hab like there is no tomorrow

you already know what this is about, for whenever kathleen starts going on her drug-free tour - it means she's everything but clean.

the front pages reported today that 'those close to' baby babble have come forward in an effort to help rehabilitate her from drugs and alcohol. they told the papers that she started doing blow again at the freak fest; mates fear that the doll's habit will get worse, and she'll go spiraling off the deep end.

please. the day kathleen stops doing drugs is the day all the dealers' hearts in the world stop beating. this will never happen. also, everyone knows baby babble dines on a breakfast of crack rock cereal with whiskey milk, heroin and cocain speedball sandwiches for lunch and a casserole made out of foilies, broken glass, crushed-up klonopins, fentanly strips and 40s for dinner - she has been for ages and won't quit until the fat lady sings. let's just give her some air and let her snort lines until her heart is content. i don't care what the front pages say - she likes the drugs and the drugs like her back! i guess the cat's out of the bag. she's high! she's high all of the time. she'd have to be, anyways, to wear that gross, crack smoke-stained bandanna.

the best part was when one of the sources said that when he pleaded with kathleen to go to a rehabilitation centre, she punched him in the nose and ran away. okay, you know that was maynard b. 'kraut! you just know it.

he added that she had trotsky hooked on 'dope' now - after injecting him with heroin for the first time. he also said he witnessed her shoot up other people, including one time, where the doll 'injected a young girl as she lie unconscious on on her kitchen floor.' say what? well, i guess if you grab a lethargic person by the hair and shake their head up and down, they just said, "yes, please slam me full of drugs."

the dailies did point out, though, something truly disturbing. they noted that essentially every time the beautiful one is strung out, she does the same shit! like, that filthy bandanna has replaced last year's nasty ballet slippers; loyal is the new jimmy kiss and cielo is like arcadia - only with far better speed. kathleen still eats candy, but i'm sure she'll continue to do that until her teeth rot out of her skull. trust.

fanmail of the freak fest

the beautiful one was sweet enough to take time out of her super busy schedule of rioting, drugging writers, setting fires, overturning police cars and running around naked to answer some fanmail during the festival.

why the freak fest is still relevant i have no clue. but hey, since it is, here are the answers to the letters that were piling up at kathleen's feet backstage - bear in mind, she claims to have written it on the third morning, when she was probably high on drugs! there is a ghostwriter behind this...i'm just saying!

Q: How's the Freak Fest so far?
A: it's the coolest party i've ever hosted

Q:Is it true that you took your top off during your set?
A: OH YA SURE - I TOOK MY PANTS OFF 2!

Q: I'm sure that you are really loving the Freak Fest, but don't you miss the comforts of Cielo just a little bit?
A: yes - i miss the coston fox; cruising around in the gravedigger, pumping bollywood music, annoying headlock....i also miss hot showers like a motherbear

Q:The Coston Fox? Is that a code name for something?
A: THE COSTON FOX IS SO REAL, HE DOESN'T NEED A NAME - his name actually is the coston fox

Q: How hot is it there, in Monticello, right now?
A: it's hot enough that loyal's eyes are two fried eggballs. it's hot enough that kids aren't selling drugs - they're bootlegging bottled waters. it's hot enough that sodapop is complaining, OH WAIT....LOL!

Q: £4 for a bottle of measly water? Is this a joke?
A: NOPE, YOU FORGOT 2 ADD ON THE SALES TAX! STUPID!

Q: I live in Monticello myself and you've got to tell me - when it comes to camping at the Freak Fest, who is a big crybaby and who is a bigger crybaby?
A: TROTSKY; SODAPOOP. DUH. i pushed soda in the mud yesterday and he was glaring razorblades at me for the rest of the afternoon - trotsky has about thirty mosquito bites because he simply refuses to wear anything other than glitter and gold lamé hotpants!

Q: So, just how is Trotsky holding up?
A: he. and. ludo. won't. stop. raving. HOW AM I HOLDING UP IS THE QUESTION. and not very well is the answer, when it comes to those two.

Q: So, is Jimmy cool with you hanging around his little brother?
A: oh yeah, he's absolutely psyched about it

Q: You know, I keep reading about you and Joey Kiss, but I bet you and Jimmy Kiss will be back together in no time...
A: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i'd rather be hung by my toes and have my eyeballs gouged out with two, red-hot fire pokers!

Q: Wait a second - are you with Joey Kiss or are you with Loyal the Lost Boy?
A: I STILL GOT MY BANDANNA ON, DON'T I?

Q: What is your favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: COCAINE

Q: What is Trotsky's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: rolling in glitter and holding hands with ludo

Q:What is Sodapop's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: flapping his lips, being a big baby huey

Q:What are the Lost Boys' favorite Freak Fest pastimes?
A: STEALING HUBCAPS, STUD CIGARETTES AND HEROIN

Q: I would never pay a dime for the Freak Fest - long lines, hot weather and outrageous prices just to see you? Please!
A: LOL WUT A GIP, RIGHT? i guess the 700,00 people who bought tickets aren't as smart as you

Q: I read that people weren't buying tickets...just sneaking in through the Freak Wall...any truth to that?
A: GO 2 PANEL 777, KNOCK 7 TIMES, USE THE PASSWORD "I FORGOT" - my goons will let you just walk right in!

Q: What is your favorite Lost Boys song?
A: "MARY LIKES 2 SHOOT DARTS"

Q: Trotsky's cute...does he have any brothers?
A: he has a sister, gibby - BUT PAWS OFF! sodapop's going steady with her

Q: Gibby, what a pretty name - I'll be she's a looker!
A: yeah, she looks just like her brother - WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?

Q:I read that the high of the first day was 103°! Got a sunburn yet?
A: no, but i have 33 bugbites - calamine lotion and i are one

Q:Who are the Hell Boys?
A: a bunch of pansies who are giving cielo a bad reputation

Q: What did the Hell Boys say to make the Lost Boys so angry?
A: the hell boys said, "the lost boys were jewelry and pink panties." boy, that really bent rocko j. nasty out of shape - EVERYONE KNOWS HE WEARS PURPLE PANTIES!

Q: Have fun with your little party of freaks - I'll bet Jimmy Kiss is glad to be rid of you!
A: LOL I KNOW - THE FLOPHOUSE IS SUCH A STEP UP

Q: Who is and isn't on your guestlist for backstage?
A: IS: joey kiss, trotsky, ludo ludovic, sodapop, gibby bastien, maynard, heidi gretchen alberkraut
ISN'T: jimmy kiss, beau goodman, the fence

Q: I heard that you got in a fight with Heidi Gretchen backstage, because...she is blonde and you are blonde; Loyal had drunkenly confused you for her and the two were flirting...any truth in that?
A: ROFL NONE - i pulled my knife out, onstage, because she was calling loyal a "hood" and a "JD," because he was drunker than a skunk and falling asleep sitting up

Q: Okay, I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't Gibby, like, only 16 years old? Come on, are you for real?
A: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AGE

Q: And while we're on the topic of age - isn't Loyal only 17?
A: WRONG!!!!!!!!! HE'S 17 AND A HALF!

kathleen gets an A+ for effort with me, but i'd really love to meet the people who send these questions in. all i know is, i have a lot of questions for the doll and none of them involve soda's favorite pastime or if jimmy gives a shit that joey and kathleen are chummy chums. my inquests are more along the lines of : "what the hell is the matter with you?" and, "what's with the bandanna?" and, "are you still trying to make this 90's thing happen?"

the freak fest : day three

day three sees bonfires, riots and the shit hitting the fan

if you thought that the lost boys getting slashed up on the second night was bad - think again! it would seem that looting, violence and fires have marked the end of the first - and probably only - freak fest, with kathleen and her mates most likely to take the blame.

this is the last, but not least, lineup for sunday, july 15;

east stage
12:15 - 1:15 PM : the fungus amongus
1:30 - 2:30 PM : the flying fucks
2:45 - 4:00 PM : the filth
4:20 - 5:45 PM : the fury
6:00 - 7:50 PM : the freakshows
8:15 - 9:50 PM : the flowers of evil, with kathleen on tambourine

west stage
1 - 2 PM : over the moon
2:20 - 3:30 PM : pottymouths
3:40 - 4:55 PM : questionmasters
5:35 - 6:30 PM : road to ruin
6:40 - 7:40 PM : space cadet
8:00 - 9:00 PM : tabula rasa
9:15 - 10:15 PM : unicornholes

things, for the most part, went okay during yesterday's afternoon performances - but, during the final hours of the concert, mayhem escalated as the appropriately named flowers of evil played, along with kathleen on tambourine. blue-haired bassist, biggles, mate to the doll, decided to perform stark naked, as did kathleen. it would appear that birthday suits were a trend, as kathleen posed for a photograph with a nude rocko j. nasty behind the curtain, before gracing the east stage in only an american flag. she quickly ditched it to reveal her bare body, to the screams of horror and excitement of the crowd below.

in the afternoon, long before the flowers of evil played, a group of peace promoters distributed candles, intending for a vigil to be held at the end of the show, alongside a fireworks display. naturally, most of them were used to start bonfires. the hundreds of empty plastic water bottles that littered the area were used as fuel, as well as pieces of 'the freak wall,' a gigantic, sweeping mural that was acting as a purportedly inviolable security perimeter fence. it was constructed by the pretty people and painted by joey kiss - it extends over three miles long, is twelve feet high and stretches around the entire site. it took over two months to paint, with nearly two hundred people lending their hand to joey. he also painted the east and west stage with bright psychedelic imagery - a sky complete with neon stars and planets, rainbow spaceships; a unicorn morphing into a dove - which sits in ruins now.

many large bonfires had been burning for some time before the band left the stage for an emergency broadcast to be made. kathleen, who had been acting as the announcer, interrupted the concert to say, "okay kiddos, as you can see if you look behind you, we have a bit of a problem." everyone turned to see the nine or ten out-of-control fires dotting the field. "the promoters want me to tell you to get away from the fires so that the brigade can put them out. i don't give much of a shit myself, really, but they won't put the music back on until those fires are out, so cool it!"

when the flowers of evil were finally allowed to take the stage again, they played another song before kathleen and biggles stole the microphone away to call the audiences' attention to a rather important matter plaguing the festival since it began;

kathleen: "hey, you kids - just because the girls out there want to feel free and take their tops off doesn't mean a bunch of you have to grab her tits!"

biggles: "yeah, they're her tits! leave those tits alone. tits are a girl's personal private property and they're a beautiful thing, so keep your grubby paws off you filthy animals!"

kathleen: "of course, if you all weren't so grabby, they might all take their tops off - did you ever think of that? let's just be nice to one another out there."

biggles: "that's right - be nice to the tits, keep your paws off."

kathleen: "and that's another thing - i've been noticing that a lot of girls, coming over to the top here are having every single part of them felt up. do any of you know what i mean? and i think, that just because a girl wants to go in the pit and go crowd surfing - that doesn't give you creeps a right to molest them. so, if you're a guy out there and you see a girl passing overhead - give her a break, will you? and if you're a girl out there and you see a guy passing overhead, i want you to grab his balls and give them a yank!"

biggles: "yeah, that's right doll! make it so they can't handle their little schmekeles anymore!"

LOL @ schmekeles.

they played a few more songs and then ended with a punk rock 'n' roll rendition of "goodnite, sweetheart, goodnite," instead of the song they were supposed to play. biggles then lit the american flag, which kathleen had hung on the amps, on fire. consequently, their show sent the kids over the edge. the flowers of evil and kathleen disappeared offstage and this is when the trouble began.

it wasn't long the doll started jonesing for the mic and came back to rile the freaks. she said things like, "i'm not the devil, but i'm here to do his bidding." she and the boys also got the crowd to chant, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need to water, let the motherfucker burn." she was doing all sorts of bad shit.

kathleen stayed on the east stage as long as she could, provoking the people, before jumping off to go cause some trouble on the grounds.

once the police charged in, the freaks began throwing hoisted fireworks and makeshift molotov cocktails at the fuzz. the people, rather than surrendering themselves to the cops, gathered into a tight formation and began to antagonize the battalion of officers by chanting such things as, "shoot, shoot!" and, "kill, kill!"

an audio tower was then set ablaze - remaining tents, booths and trailers full of merchandise were robbed, destroyed and used as gasoline. the angry, severely dehydrated, sleep-deprived, drugged-out, drunken concertgoers, unchallenged, grew bolder. they tipped over and successfully set several police cars on fire. according to witness reports, the police soon then charged into the pulsating sea of people and began to beat and arrest both those fighting and those not. they were incredibly edgy and struck people with batons before unpleasing tear gas onto the violent crowds. festival goers were not fazed and continues to knock over towers, burned booths and pelted police with bottles, rocks and batteries.

after about five hours, the riot was over : six policeman were dead, twenty-eight injured; twelve civilians had been shot, over a hundred were arrested and an unknown number injured. the remains of twelve trailers full of merchandise nearby the east stage continued to smolder well into this morning. a line of more than a hundred troopers' cruises formed a barrier between the concert area and the adjacent campgrounds. the doll's farm included horses, lambs, pigs and chickens - people gave animals drugs, set them free and as a result, most either ran away or were killed. patrons of the festival also camped in, subsequently ruined and then set on fire two of three alfalfa fields. large amounts of tear gas was used and at least twice, police ran squad cars full speed into crowds. wow sounds like your typical doll party. glad i wasn't there to get drugged, raped and tear-gassed.

the freak fest : day two

day two sees mud pits, water hoses and rotten punks razored

the lead singer and other members of the controversial lost boys group were ambushed by a razor and knife-wielding gang backstage last night, after they wrapped their set. sodapop cola couldn't help himself and made a quick statement to the fence - he said that the boys were jumped by the notoriously nasty motorcycle gang, the hell boys.

after a half an hour wait in the medical tent, it was announced that none of the injuries sustained were lethal, but they were all serious. the boys received stitches in assorted locations; rocko suffered from deep facial cuts, loyal had received blows to the head and was mildly concussed and eddie spaghetti bruised a couple ribs. there are fears that the attack was part of a backlash against the lost boys and other dangerous trainhopping gangs, but i wouldn't be surprised if it was just a pissed off concert-goer! imagine this : you shell out £269 for a three-day ticket, only to find that the food and drink prices are outrageous and because of this, everyone is stealing from everyone - not to mention the overcrowding, sweltering heat and insufficient toilets - i'm surprised people aren't roosting! for example, today, after a forty-five minute wait in line, attendees decided to break apart the main pipes that provide water, to douse the rest of those suffering in the middle of the line - this in turn caused the creation of large mud pits.

the medical tents were packed, following an afternoon of crowd violence from the stirred-up freaks. you have the loudmouths and injustice to thank for that - the bands were encouraging kids to be as bad and mean as they possibly could. they taunted festival-goers with such things as, "let's see how many of you can get naked by the end of this song!" and, "this is the freak fest, come on - do something stupid!" it worked and there were many injuries. the unruliness began again when the lost boys took the stage at half-ten - crowds were stirred with their dark and dirty live show; their lionized, illuminated cross pulsing in the dark night.

on a more positive note, there weren't as many complaints about the heat yesterday - kathleen sent workers into town to purchase hoses for which to spray the exhausted audience with. there have been some reports of looting and at least three drug arrests, but the doll's people affirm, "that's to be expected." you know, these promoters aren't the brightest bulbs - there's about seven hundred thousand more kids than there are suits at this festival - if the people rebel, it doesn't really matter who you are.

with that being said, here's the lineup for yesterday, july 14 :

east stage
1:00 - 2:15 PM : the little darlings
2:30 - 4:15 PM : the loudmouths
4:25 PM - 5:25 PM : the liver-spots
5:45 PM - 7:15 PM : the lovelies
7:30 - 8:45 PM : the likely lads
9:05 - 10:05 PM : the lollygaggers
10:30 PM - 12:00 AM : the lost boys

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : hoes on tour
2:05 - 3:20 PM : injustice
3:40 - 4:40 PM : jiggy with it
5 - 6 PM : kraut
6:20 - 7:35 PM : loud ones
7:55 - 9:10 : mellow yellow
9:30 - 10:45 PM : nightcrawlers

in all, the worst part of today came when the lost boys say their measly lives flash in front of their eyes. the best part of today? during a brief press conference, headlock told the flashers (who have been banned from the event) that, "kathleen misbehaved on the first night and it really broke my heart. she was throwing her knife at people and threatened to impale one of the kids from the gorkholes. i had to take the knife off her backstage." you know, whoever thought it would be a good idea to host a festival and invite a bunch of flower children and lost boys and freaks and pretty people and junkies and gypsies and bikies and punks was totally right on the money. this shit couldn't get any worse!

the freak fest : day one

day one sees "alotta freaks," heavy traffic, and a high of 103°

upon her arrival in monitcello yesterday, the doll was going around telling anyone who would listen; "you know, i read in the newspapers that the state thruway is closed - isn't that far out? that's alotta freaks!"

 sure, sure doll - whatever you say. you're a freak, i'm a freak - we're all freaks.

now, i would love nothing more than to be able to sit her and report that the first night went horribly; it didn't. apart from a few drunk and unruly fans, it went off without a hitch.

with gridlock traffic controlling all main highways entering the festival site, most of the first-billed acts were not able to make it on time. after some clever rescheduling by kathleen and headlock, the music continued on and bands were flown in by helicopter.

beginning promptly at noon and ending early this morning, the lineup for yesterday, july 13, is as follows :

east stage
12:00 - 2:00 PM : the cigarette pack
2:40 - 4:00 PM : the crayola kids
4:30 - 6:00 PM : the coppertone babies
6:40 - 8;10 PM : the coolcats
8:30 - 9:10 PM : the coffin nails
9:20 - 10:20 PM :the chemical kids
10:40 PM - 1:10 AM : katty cakes
1:10 AM - 10:00 AM : the creepy-crawlies

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : artful dodgers
2:05 - 3:05 PM : bear claw
3:25 - 4:00 PM : capricorn
4:30 - 5:35 PM : dinger
5:55 - 6:55 PM : eagle claw
7:15 - 8:15 PM : frumptydumpties
8:35 PM - 10:05 PM : gorkholes

after the chemical kids finished on the east stage, kathleen took to spinning the wheels of steel until around one in the morning - she then handed it off to legendary house duo, the creepy-crawlies and the music continued until well past dawn. the kids, still going strong, must have been hopped up on drugs and were clearly not feeling the effects of a long day in the sun. good far them. during the doll's set, she spun everything from neo-psychedelic rock to old-time folk tunes; heavy metal, golden oldies and house electro. she played on the east stage, which is decorated with bright, technicolor pop art - complete with cartoon rainbows, clouds and a full day setting on the outside; the interior is painted to be a night sky, with clusters of motley stars and a man in the moon mural. upon taking the wild stage, she brought out a pint and guzzled it in one gulp to the croons of adoring fans below.

the beautiful one did have to stop at one point, though, to yell at one of the technician boys setting up a haughty balloon-and-confetti bomb that was going to explode at the end of her act, because he was stepping on the cords and screwing up the music. the doll wailed, "hey! knock that shit off! they don't like it when you step on their mics! you wanna watch the show from below, pal?"

then, there was an inebriated fan who started to cause trouble within the audience, so the doll tried to distract him - "this next song is called, "love," and it's about, well, love." when he didn't respond to her catch-flies-with-honey routine, she brought ou the vinegar and screamed, "hey! i'm gonna have the bikies beat you up if you don't know it off and scram!"

and, although the doll played last night, she is also the official announcer of the concert and could be heard throughout the day making intermittent announcements. she was behind the microphone for everything, from introducing the tibetan monks - who delivered a goodwill prayer to bring positive vibes and good karma to all - to the good night sign-off, where she read horoscopes from that day's newspaper.

she also gave her daily dose of good advice, when she told the crowd, "hey, if any of you kids out there have a gun in your hand, or under your bed or in your jockeybox or stashed away somewhere secret - go get it and throw it in the nearest trash can. use your brains." knives are cool though.

hopefully her demand is met, because there have been reports of unrest in the crowd. some think that £5 for a bottle of water, £12 for a single slice of pizza and a maximum of only two beers allowed to be purchased at a time - for a steep £15 - it a little ridiculous. well, fuck those cheap bitches! also, the distance from the camping grounds to the stage is 3/4 of a mile - the walk from the east stage to the west stage is a good 30 minutes, so, as a result, most fans are remaining at the larger and more popular east stage, where more of the headlining acts are performing. medical facilities are worried that heat, combined with dehydration and lack of sleep is going to be a problem - not to mention the mosh pits and the drugs and all the other wild things going on.

still, i'm sure everything will be fine....oh, who am i kidding? the freak fest is going to turn into nutball land, just you wait.

leave it to kathleen to be tardy to her own party

it's time for baby babble to get a watch

the freak fest is set to start tomorrow, with kathleen headlining on the first night, but she's nowhere to be seen in monticello! more than half of the bands have already arrived and, according to her people, still she remains in cielo.

originally she was set to fly in, but after she missed her scheduled flight - and then a couple more scheduled flights - to go boozing, it was arranged for her to hop on a train to monticello and catch a ride into the festival grounds. well, now it looks like that plan will have to be scrapped also - the state thruway is backed up for hours and hours and has since been closed! already? shit, maybe i'm missing something important. as a result of the closed thruway, kathleen is being flown in via helicopter, as her famous jet 'the crippler' sits in repair. oh and, no one has done a head count or anything, but the freak fest hasn't even started yet and the word has it that over six hundred thousand people are expected to be in attendance tonight.

hot damn, this is turning out to be the party of the summer, but i bet i can still tell you how it's going to end : the doll and the lost boys will do as they please and, in opening the gates of hell, surely the whole thing will go up in flames.

this is the best photograph of jimmy kiss....ever

jimmy kiss, the wet mop

jimmy kiss isn't getting the hint. ever since the doll dumped his ass for loyal, she asked him to kindly pack up and leave...only he won't pack up and leave. today, headlock had to put his things out on the curb of kathleen's 10050 lonesome lane home. then, when jimmy realized what was up, he casually tried to slink off to the riot house, where he was then casually denied room and board. he thinks he's slick!

there was no confirmation, however, as to if jimmy used the line, "don't you know who i am?" too bad, he should have tried it. riot house staff could have then responded, "yes, we do! and that's the problem." then again, they could have also said, "no, we don't! and that's the way it's staying." shit, why not try them both?

speaking of flophouses, kathleen might be joining jimmy soon - word on the street has it that kathleen is as broke as a joke. and no, it's not going up her nose - insiders say that she's footing the bill for the freak fest and hasn't an extra penny to her name. if you ask me, that's a crock of shit. she's got partners and backers just like everybody else. for, if it comes down to the doll choosing between her festival or her foilies - foilies wins every time.