i will never forgive that wet mop!

jimmy kiss is at the top of baby babble's shitlist

somebody needs to keep jimmy kiss out of my sight, because if i ever see him i will slap that trilby right off his goddamn head and not even think twice about it! i'm sure that he's all melancholy and everything now that rumors are flying around about his younger brother and former girlfriend are getting hitched - but how dare he smash up kathleen's shit! that selfish asshole should have mailed it to me! i would have personally paid for all of his crackrocks next year.

after jimmy's hanukkah from hell, he returned to the 312 to find a box of the doll's junk - having been mailed from cielo - sitting on his porch. instead of doing the human thing and having it forwarded to her new address in the easy street hills, he took a baseball bat to the box. in doing so, he smashed kathleen's original, rare and signed-in-lipstick copies of her entire riot grrrl music collection. along with her LPs, he created a small bonfire and burned his collection of the doll's unpublished drafts and notes - which kathleen affirmed that he stole - from her books throughout the years, including the yet-to-be-released ☺.

can you believe that shit? it's like jimmy has surpassed his wet mop days and reverted back to a state of junior high school. the middle kiss brother is certainly winning his way into satan's 9th circle of hell - hitler, cassius, brutus and judas iscariot are probably super duper proud of lucifer's #1 son right now.

okay, and i don't mean to always be the one to slaughter the pink elephant in the room - but jimmy really needs to get the net! he and the beautiful one broke up ages ago, WTF? he must have been high off his ass on black tar when he thought that he even had so much as a snowball's chance in hell of getting kathleen back - watching the two together at hanukkah, behaving like the happy campers that they are, nearly sent him running for the razorblades.............and not in a doll-over-a-dusty-mirror kind of a way, either.

in closing, baby babble, you now have my permission to put an evil curse upon jimmy kiss' head; and, i promise i won't even make fun of you or try to burn you at the stake or anything. do something really bad - like, make it so he can never find a vein to shoot up with ever again. wait......that could be a good thing if you think about it. fuck it, instead of a curse, let's just put a price on his head and get some old-fashioned homicide going. i'm sure that the mean, old boogieman with a limp from the arcadian trailer park will do it for £699, no cash down.

the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

the million dollar brat draws up blueprints for arcadian riot house

shit, there's nothing quite like the comforts of home, are there? since she's totally beyond skid row mentally, the doll is bringing everything that reminds her of cielo. the only thing that she's going to be missing is beau badman, but i'm sure he'll find some reason to slither back to arcadia that doesn't involve kathleen whatsoever.

her first call was to mate rudy rubideaux, who helped her open the first riot house in cielo. rudy also lent a hand in introducing jimmy kiss to gibby bastien - sister of deceased caretaker trotsky - and the two have since been going steady. word has it that the doll told rudy, "just remember one thing for me - although it will be adorned with riot house regalia, it will not be the same scene as cielo. it will be bigger, better and meaner. it will be the kind of place that you don't want your kid to go." oh, don't worry your pretty little head, baby babble; i'm sure that the riot house is already a place parents don't want their kids to go.

hep parade agreed to front her money because they've probably come to the realization by now that she won't move to arcadia unless all of her stupid stipulations are met. the doll's boss said, "if opening a second riot house will make her feel more at home, then by all means, let's open a second riot house." you know what else makes the doll feel at home? smoking foilies - but you don't see sammy (burns, head of hep parade) tripping over themselves to meet such an inquiry, now do you?

in other doll news, she angered a bunch of her fans off today when she abandoned an appearance and was later found swilling hooch by the flashers. damn! kathleen responded by saying, "and this is news?"

headlock then shoved her aside and offered the fence some priceless advice, "i've learned to not get on the bad side of those who speedball." i'm sure that this will be the epitaph on his gravestone someday.

the beautiful one's camp took their sweet time commenting, with, "minutes before the event was to begin, kathleen was compelled to regretfully cancel a scheduled reading in downtown cielo after feeling ill. soon after, she was photographed at a bar nearby her home, sparking fictional stories that she traded in work for play today - which is just sadistic." no, the sadistic shit here comes from kathleen's representative who is trying to trick us into believing that the doll was at home being sick when we all know that she was on her knees, snorting lines off of the toilet seats in said afore mentioned bar! i mean, and i'm not rocket scientist or anything, but it wasn't that hard to put two and two together. furthermore, those weren't 'stomach paints' you were feeling, doll - it was your body crying out in horror from the malnourishment.

Q: are you writing this from inside trotsky's coffin?

A: DUH

um, is it just me or is kathleen a handful of pills away from ending it all? if you don't agree now, perhaps you will after reading her latest installment for hep parade.

Q: Mulholland or the Isle of Grimaldi?
A: grimaldi - going to mulholland makes me want to slit my wrists

Q: You know, for Trotsky's sake, you shouldn't joke about wanting to kill yourself.
A: you think i'm kidding

Q: When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: i wanted to be able to write a mean book; and now, my books are so mean, that they never call their mother

Q: So, just how did you get your reputation?
A: by being the bitch that nobody wants to be

Q: No, really - how did someone like you get to be so famous?
A: someone like me???? um, i used to be the prettiest doll in arcadia and now i'm the prettiest doll in cielo

Q: I thought HEP! was a great dedication to the friendship that you and Trotsky shared - congratulations.
A: you obviously didn't 'get' HEP! then

Q: You are such a stupid slut. Do humankind a favor and disappear - you can take your little party dresses and your dollies with you.
A: many a true word spoken in jest

Q: If only you knew the people that I have keeping tabs on you - you would probably think twice about the things you do.
A: HEADLOCK??????????????? WTF i've done nothing incriminating.........yet

Q: I read a gossip report recently that said you fell asleep during a phone interview and cited the reason as you were "high as a kite off of heroin" - any truth in this?
A: I THINK DOPE IS DOPE - what's it to you?

Q: Are you a morning person?
A: NO WAY - especially not today. someone had been calling me all morning since 666 o'clock. some of us still live fast and die young, you know? and it just had to be someone from the fence! none of my friends wake up that early - they stay up that late

Q: I'm sure that you're tired of being badgered about Trotsky and all the elements surrounding his death, but I've always had a question about him and figured it was now or never - why did Trotsky select the 69th room at the Riot House as his suite?
A: R U FUCKING WITH ME? trotsky was as camp as a row of pink tents

Q: What did you think when Hep Parade Magazine told you to write another fanmail piece?
A: I THOUGHT 'O GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT DETH IN NOVEMBER

Q: I miss the normal Kathleen - when is she coming back to Planet Earth?
A: ROFL - WHEN WAS I 'NORMAL?'

Q: You probably won't spill, but were you the one who gave Trotsky the 'barbies?'
A: well, that depends - is it a crime that the pigs just write a little ticket for; or is it a crime where they puts my hands behind my back and wrap those darling silver bracelets around my wrists?

Q: Why the Jimmy tattoo?
A: U SAY 'WHY?' - I SAY 'WHY NOT?'

Q: Could you give me an estimate of the percentage of people around you that snort coke?
A: 100% this is cielo DUH

Q: Gibby Bastien is naturally gorgeous, whereas you have to pancake your makeup on and yet you still look like you rolled out of the grave. I'm glad Jimmy Kiss has moved onto a more mature woman and left the little girl in the playground.
A: WTF? playground.....grave.....natural.......U CAN SAY WHATEVER, BUT GIB HAS YET 2 ENTER THE 10050

Q: What is the last thing Trotsky said to you?
A: "doll, i can't breathe in here."

Q: Well, then what's the last thing that you said to Trotsky?
A: "but, baby, you are safe - in here."

it's almost like kathleen has spent one too many hours hovering over her favorite framed picture of trotsky, blowing lines. she probably thinks she can talk to his ghost now too. quick! someone check the doll's pulse - i want to be 100% sure that she's still with us.

jimmy kiss and not-kathleen

as if being dumped by joey and trotsky's untimely death wasn't enough for kathleen to process, jimmy kiss has gone and found someone new to hold hands with! and no, it's not the white lady. her name is gibby bastien and she is the sister of, well, duh - abbie bastien = trotsky = gib's brother. and no, they didn't meet at the funeral; that would be funny though....

jimmy met gibby though rudy rubideaux, the prosperous nightclub and hotel entrepreneur; rudy just recently opened the club de luxe and also assisted kathleen in the opening of the riot house - but gibby "isn't in the business," jimmy said. get this - she's a librarian. he also said that she doesn't even do drugs! WTF? surely this shit will never last. i give it one hot minute before jimmy starts trying to smoke, snort or slam everything in sight.

now, i'm sure somewhere in the back of the doll's little pea brain, she's always figured that jimmy would come crawling back sooner or later to wash her feet with his tears, but this gibby character completely blows that theory to shit. the beautiful one was informed of this sordid romance by - no surprises here - the flashers. they told her that gibby was going around to the fence and badmouthing baby babble, saying evil things like, "she really did a number on my baby," and, "jimmy wouldn't touch kathleen with a ten-foot pole now; he was really hurt."

okay, doll, it's time to break out your magic witch potions and lotions - there's a dumb slut running around cielo that is just asking to have a hex put on her. now, let's break it down : first of all, gibby, jimmy kiss has been kathleen's baby since the thirteenth of forever - don't get it twisted. and, oh yeah, i'm sure that jimmy really hurt when katty warbucks dried up and stopped shelling out the dough for his every want and need!

the funny thing is, after the reporters told her about jimmy and his new girl, kiss tried to pull a fast one when he went over to the 10050 to pick up some of his leftover junk - he had the audacity to bring gibby with him! wild honeypie wasn't fooled and insisted that headlock do something about it - or else she, her shovel and her .45 would. so, when headlock strolled down to the main gates to let them in, he told jimmy, "oh, i'm sorry, we must have forgotten to tell you - you can come in, jimmy, but your trash will have to stay on the curb with the rest of the garbage." LOL! even old headlock still knows how to make kiss blush. jimmy left in a huff shortly thereafter, settling the score to jimmy : 0, kat :1..

and, is it just me or are jimmy and the doll still in love with each other? i mean, jimmy's new meal ticket / girlfriend bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain beautiful blonde doper that we all know and worship. i'm just saying - i think baby babble has an evil twin running around cielo and she's simultaneously banging jimmy kiss. then again, the million dollar brat was getting busy with his younger brother, joey, who looks exactly like him. and i mean exactly - from the glazed-over, heroin-induced look in his eye to the trilby atop his head.

in other doll news, the pretty people club president announced during a radio interview that she's afraid to sleep at the riot house now. evidently, the last time she did, she had a nightmare about trotsky. now she believes his ghost to haunt the property and thinks that he keeps her up all night. i know, i think kathleen is full of it too - it's just an excuse for all that speed tea she drinks. it was during her cokey babble, though, that she revealed she would be locking up trotsky's suite in the hotel - which, believably and unbelievably is room number 69 - and throw away the key. i'm sure trotsky would have done the same thing if he could be in her situation, but you know jimmy wouldn't! the second that the doll flatlined, kiss would be out on the bethel strip, trying to hock bootlegs of her latest book or offer to let people take photographs with her corpse.

if you ask me, i think it's about time that we close the book on jimmy kiss. he and his low-rent, tap water high school version of kathleen can pack up their crackpipes, trilbies and knockoff kinderslut dresses and hit the road!

HEP! premieres; hailed as - you guessed it - award winning material

HEP! : because the eight-balls don't buy themselves, baby

the million dollar brat has only been mourning trotsky's untimely death for less than a week and her cold-blooded company has already demanded that she return to work!

sadly, HEP! was supposed to start gracing the silver screens only a day after the news of trotsky's death broke. without delay, wild honeypie cancelled the event and didn't even issue an apology; then, she went and had the first edition of the pretty people club - featuring the piece "the million dollar brat" - pulled off of the shelves, because it is damaging to the memory of trotsky or some bullshit. in short, the article included him downing drugs at the doll buffet. yet, her camp at hep parade  finally said, "we're not asking - we're telling," and then they told kathleen to get her ass back to work!

so, the premiere of HEP! took place tonight at cosmic charlie's cosmic disco because the riot house has been under strong police surveillance - and critics have already floated the moving picture as a nominee for several moving picture awards. the film has also garnished four and a half stars out o the possible five - but who's counting?

there was a small party held before the event and all the pretty people were in attendance. katty cakes managed to get the reclusive and notorious motorcycle gang, the hell boys, to come out and play for the opening night. they probably heard their mating call of black tar heroin crackling on tinfoil and the clinks of whiskey bottles and came a-runnin'.

no, sodapop cracked the dead bolt on his loose lips and opened up to the fence; soda said that his sister's people did it because, um, well, kathleen's been a goddamn stage sixteen mess ever since trotsky croaked. those close to her say that the doll's worse than ever - she has been secluded in her 10050 love shack home since the news hit and takes mostly to her bed. mates say that she has her drug dealers coming in and out of the house at all hours; consequentially, headlock phoned up the hell boys and asked them to come watch over the property.

"it's been really nutty," sodapop told photographers, "the fence's presence is pretty heavy. we've only had the TV on once - we looked out the window and saw ourselves look out the window through the television." furthermore - and on more than one occasion, too - the doll has been so far gone, that she spaced locking her house and gates; friends fear that something unfortunate could be in the works if she doesn't watch it.

the lost boys were there too, stinking up the place with a stench similar to a high school football team's dirty gym socks. yet even with all of those familiar faces beaming back at her from the audience, kathleen fled long before the movie was finished. those in attendance say that she couldn't bring herself to sit through the entire movie, as it pretty much features trotsky in every scene. joey was seen later escorting the doll home. well, at least she got to toast the memory of her dearly departed friend before she left - she held a champagne tribute before the movie commenced and said, "this is for you, trotsky - i wish you could be here with us tonight, but that's cool. save me a spot in rock 'n' roll heaven and i'll be there before you know it." okay that was a little dark - even for her. after giving her self-eulogy, kathleen downed her drink and one and then jetted out the door.

in other doll news, the riot house was re-opened last night and every single room was taken out of vacancy within a matter of hours. and i mean every room - there was even a point in the night where people were even asking if they could rent out portions of the rose gardens to set up tents like some kind of goddamn gypsy camp! those requests were denied, naturally, as the gardens are still off limits to guests, due to the recent loss of trotsky.

speaking of, trotsky's cause of death has been ruled accidental - and, yes, he was taking drugs at the time of his worldly departure. lots and lots of drugs. trotsky's system almost puts the doll to shame. his chemical analysis revealed lethal levels of cocaine and morphine - known as kathleen's breakfast or a 'speedball' on the streets - as well as codeine, barbiturates and other various prescription drugs. the police are investigating the matter as the barbiturates - commonly referred as 'barbies' - were prescribed to kathleen. the fuzz have ruled, though, that his death was unintentional and will not be continuing their investigation.

now, i've been cutting baby babble some slack because she's in mourning, but i have to say something : kathleen sure seems like she wants to join trotsky in dancing on all the tables in heaven; i mean, she showed up to the HEP! premiere looking like you could find her sleeping with the alley cats and pawing at fish skeletons. basically, she looked like last year - bug eyes, runny nose; with scratches and bruises scattered throughout her arms. cigarette at hand, drink in tow and disgusting ballet slippers on her feet - here we go again! and so soon, doll?

the beautiful one launches the pretty people club magazine

and only the pretty people are allowed to read it!

kathleen held a very ladylike and demure tea party in the ballroom of the arcadian riot house this afternoon to celebrate launching the pretty people club magazine and later on, hosted a celebration at the il coyote country club in the early evening. i'm glad she's learned her lesson - slurp tea with the rich people, your bosses, by day and snort drugs with the kids, your target market, by night.

she announced that not only would she be extending the shelflife of her fanmail column with hep parade  while continuing to write books and star in films, but now heading  the pretty people club as well - ☺ is going to be on the backburner, so she can have time to put the finishing touches on HEP!.

.still, she's the president of the pretty people club now and that includes not weaseling out of highly important presidential duties. and, did i just lose my mind or did the doll seriously promise more fanmail? NO!!!!!! i would rather have a feral alley cat scratch my eyeballs out than read more of that shit!

the best part came during the doll's champagne toast :

"someone asked me why i started my own magazine......i was tired of the suits getting all of the hookers and cocaine..."

LOL. now, even though we all know that the pretty people club is going to have already gone down in flames by the same time next year, i still want to take it upon myself to formally wish kathleen luck on her latest foray. she is so in demand right now that she can barely spit on the sidewalk without some photographer having a conniption fit. besides - i hear ☺ is going to knock us all dead.

mr. obvious says that kathleen is a bad influence

um, duh

trotsky was taken into custody last night for public indecency, intoxication and resisting arrest - when questioned by the fuzz, he told officers that kathleen was his boss and that she's a "bad influence" on him. i'm sure everyone in the police station and nearby vicinity was instantly brought to their knees from paralyzing laughter. i know that i was.

when the deputies asked why he didn't have any clothes on, trotsky said that kathleen had dared him to and he didn't want to seem like a big baby huey by saying no. when the cops asked him why he had white powder around the outside of his nose, he replied that katty cakes took him to a wild party in the easy street hills with all her friends. good cover!

okay, she may be a shitty role model, but the doll really came through with her witch magic and saved the day; she had her lawyer - judah fussganger - summoned and the charges against trotsky vanished into a cloud of glitter within a matter of seconds. okay, i'm lying - trotsky didn't get out until this morning and when he died - kathleen was nowhere to be found! still, i'm sure her witchcraft helped in his release, even if she was casting spells in her heroin-activated sleep.

without hesitation, once trotsky had been released from the pokey, he told reporters on the scene that he's going to give kathleen a good tongue-lashing the next time he sees her, because she was right by his side when the fuzz showed up - and then she took off running without him! he attested that wild honeypie was there one second and the next, all he could see was blonde hair fading into the horizon. he tried to catch up to her, but was apprehended and immediately arrested and handcuffed. LOL. i don't know what he expected - maybe next time he'll keep his head on a swivel like wild honeypie and run too.

trotsky - in classic sodapop fashion - continued to spill outside of the cielo jailhouse this morning and said that the real reason he's so bummed is because, "spending the night in jail cost me a hot date." well, why didn't you say so? the doll gets with anything that walks, talks and wears a trilby hat; but not everyone has it that easy! even trotsky needs love too.

speaking of trilbies, can someone please tell baby babble that it is not cool to pass jimmy's highly valued statement piece around to all her boyfriends? think about it - in a cold, dark and lonely alley somewhere, jimmy is trying to fight off the crocodile tears and is keeping his head warm with a pile of newspapers.

katty cakes is a stage five wreck at cosmic charlie's outer space costume ball

celebrates "free candy day" early and with lots of class, ass and grass

kathleen took joey as her plus one to cosmic charlie's cosmic disco for a halloween party and really made me proud - she was naked all over the place, loaded and, at one point, was sitting up on the roof throwing water balloons at the fence. she must have either been drunk and stoned - or on a serious sugar high.

.....but this isn't what has people talking. her plummeting goddamn weight is what has people worried!

now, in her defense, she eats! she eats all the time. the other say i saw her hog down a whole eight-ball lemonade ice lolly, a handful of popcorn and then, she binged and had three pieces of bubblegum to herself. she's a total pig, i'm telling you. let's be real though, people dream of having a body like like the beautiful one's - willowy and sleek, like an unlit matchstick.

dressed for the ball, her costume was...um, i don't know what. i think she started out as a gothic 90's cheerleader and, by the end of the night, was, um, a half-naked gothic 90's cheerleader. joey played it safe as a greaser, which was very touching in its own respect - he even dyed his peroxide-blonde-wannabe-loyal locks back to classic kiss brown for the event. trotsky and ludo were too cool to wear costumes, as were the lost boys; except for loyal - who dressed as a ghost, opting for the time-honored design of a white sheet with holes cut out for the eyes and mouth. you know he only did it to hide his face from shame - and to hide the tears streaming down his faces when he saw the gothic cheerleader and the greaser dirty dancing on the like it was nobody's business!

kathleen tried really, really hard to be good, but the doll got the best of her and it wasn't long before she was up to her usual shit. the trouble all started when some mates clambered to the roof of the club to smoke a cigarette and finish their drinks without the bother of the party below. once the flashers realized this and started snapping away, kathleen called down to trotsky and told him to run to the nearest shop. she demanded he buy some water balloons, fill them up and bring them up to her. trotsky responded with, "yes, your majesty," and within twenty minutes he was back, balloons at hand. the sunshine kid and company began launching the goods at the fence, causing them to disperse. shortly after this, kathleen came down from the roof, got naked and began running around the cosmic disco. eventually, she was threatened to be kicked out by security, after she lit up her three-hundredth doobie of the night.

that's cute, but no one tells wild honeypie what to do! she stomped outside with her arms crossed, told the flashers that she was getting out of the "square ball" as fast as her ballet slippers could carry her and that she was appalled people could be so "heartless", especially so close to "free candy day," of all days! like she's anyone to talk - she has a 'for rent' sign where her heart used to be. nevertheless, the greaser and the half-naked gothic cheerleader tossed photographers the middle finger, clambered in the back of the gravedigger and went back to the 10050 where they belong.

here we are again

and so soon

i hate to say this, but i really can't wait until hep parade tells kathleen, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" once and for all, because this fanmail shit is for the birds.
you know the doll, though; she has always been quite the bitch and hardly appreciates her fans. speaking of, get out your reading glasses and get ready for another ascent to outer space, courtesy of our one and only baby babble!

Q: Do you really think that you'll still be relevant in 10 years?
A: no, from what i've been told, i've proved that underground literature is a bankable commodity - THEY WON'T NEED ME 4EVER

Q: Isn't it funny that Jimmy's new girlfriend looks just like you?
A: O YA - THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

Q: Did Jimmy really replace you with Trotsky's sister?
A: LMAO!!!!!!! YA RIGHT! restraining order

Q: I heard Jimmy Kiss recently took a foray into the music business. How does this make you feel?
A: like killing myself - jimmy kiss singing makes birds fall dead from the trees

Q: Oh yeah? Well I also heard that he's doing a show in Arcadia at the Disco Room soon.
A: IS THAT SO? WHEN AND WUT TIME??? I'LL HAVE THE FUZZ WAITING IN CALLY ALLEY 4 HIS LOSER ASS!

Q: Since when did you start on all the Jimmy Kiss hate?
A: SINCE 4 EVER. DUH.

Q: What's the last thing you said to Jimmy?
A: you can eat shit for all i care...

Q: I love you.
A: JOEY'S GONNA BE SO MAD

Q: Did you ever go to your high school prom?
A: OF COURSE NOT - 2 UGLY

Q: What would you describe yourself as?
A: LIFER

Q: Did Jimmy teach you the term 'lifer?'
A: ROFL - HE WISHES

Q: Do you drive drunk?
A: only always - me sober attracts too much attention

Q: Quick! Go to your window right now - how many photographers are outside your house?
A: LOL - 1 FLASHER, 2 FLASHER, 3 FLASHER....when i'm alone i count myself - ONE DOLL!

Q: I have some blow - I'll be at the Riot House, in room 234, under the name of 'Kurk Crowbar' - can you meet me there on Monday?
A: BLOW? I LOVE BLOW. WUT TIME????

Q: Let's meet at midnight - wear all black.
A: U GOT IT

Q: Will you ever marry?
A: WHO WOULD WANT 2 MARRY ALL THIS??? I SUCK

Q: What's with the outer space talk? You start going to astronaut school or something?
A: i dropped out of astronaut school - besides, i've already been to the moon and looked down on the earth; UR NOTHING IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN 2 SPACE

Q: Go ahead and sign with Hep Parade because your latest boyfriend works there - they just want to make a quick profit off of you.
A: PROPHET = PROFIT

Q: So, if you are what you eat, then what does that make you - nothing?
A: OOOH GOOD ONE

Q: How's the heroin from Cielo compare with the heroin from Arcadia?
A: IT'S MORE DOPE

Q: I've followed you're entire career and noticed one thing - you have no friends that are female. What is with this?
A: THERE'S NOT ROOM ENOUGH FOR 2 QUEEN QUNTS IN THIS TOWN

Q: I've heard that you have terrible vision and been in more accidents than you can remember - how do you still have a license?
A: IDK - sometimes i can't even see signs until after i've passed them. IS THAT BAD?

Q: Where do you believe your appeal truly lies?
A: IN OUTER SPACE, DUH - no, i believe it's because i truly DGAF

Q: Whatever happened to Sodapop? Did you finally shut him up?
A: LOL I WISH - he's still kicking around somewhere....probably chasing some tail

Q: I was informed that you only make a mere ten thousand a day. Am I wrong, or are you in the poorhouse now?
A: U WERE ILL INFORMED - i make a million a day

um, what - the poorhouse? please. she makes boatloads of cash as it is, what with all the gibberish she scribbles out. the doll has made her fortune off of plenty of different things over the years : books, columns, death threats to beau badman, essays, jimmy kiss' eulogy, speeches, shit that nobody understands...why would she be in the poorhouse? i mean, the bandanna was one thing, but she's since given that up for a super sweet denim jacket from 1993 that joey handed down to her. duh.

and, if i could direct this towards sodapop - you know he's chasing a gaggle of flashers around, trying to get some kind of story published. it's either that or he's dead, because there's nothing that can shut him up.

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"

Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT

Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me

Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL

Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies

Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up

Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin

Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK

Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high

Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?

Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME

Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am

Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk

Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET

Q: Virgin?
A: whore

Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE

Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????

Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"

Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo

Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far

Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far

Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

two kisses too many!

one of them has got to go - my money's on jimmy!

jimmy's younger brother joey is fresh off the train from arcadia to cielo and all bets are off, seeing as how kathleen has had a crush on him since time began. good! i hope the two fall madly, truly, deeply in love with each other and jimmy cracks under the pressure. maybe he'll finally make good on that suicide threat.

now, according to hep parade magazine, jimmy is currently living with the happy couple at the 10050 love shack. all the doll has to do is slip a, "it's been real and it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun," under his pillow on the sleeper sofa and he's a goner for sure!

but on a more grave note, there must be something going on between the doll and joey, because she even took loyal's grungy bandanna off her neck and put it up on the gravedigger's rear-vision mirror. hopefully someone finds it there and throws it in the garbage where it truly belongs. i think i've discovered what direction her look is going in next, though : 90's gothic cheerleader.

today, she donned a black lace top, lavender schoolgirl skirt and a spike dog collar around her ankle. people in the streets were actualy running in the opposite direction to get away from her. and, sadly, joey and trotsky are seemingly following the trend - the two were both wearing matching jean jackets. say it ain't so!

now, believe it or not, but the front pages think that joey is in town to help jimmy move on with his life. the dailies have reported that the two are prepared to go into business for themselves. they should go into the drug-dealing business; i'm sure they'd be just tip-top at that. instead, the brothers kiss are planning on launching a magazine. jimmy wants to take photographs and joey wants to scout out the talent to feature.

they're forgetting one key element to a periodical, however, and have kept quiet on hiring a staff of writers. i'm not surprised - i doubt neither jimmy nor joey knows how to spell. if this shit really does happen, it's most certainly going to be the worst magazine in the history of magazines. the pages will be made out of old foilies and pieces of garbage and the columns will probably be written in blood. give up now, kisses!

in closing, joey may be swell and all, but if he and the doll become an item, i'm walking. she needs to learn - kat + kiss = star-crossed.

kathleen to fans : "if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck"

more like : if it ain't cokey babble, it ain't kathleen

i'd advise you to take off your belt, wrap it tight 'round your arm and get your vein ready - it's time to slam some words of wisdom from the doll.

Q: So just how did you break up with Jimmy Kiss? He still seems pretty heartbroken.
A: i told him LOOK KISS, IT'S BEEN REAL AND IT'S BEEN FUN - BUT IT AIN'T BEEN REAL FUN

Q: Just how many people have you slept with?
A: THIS QUESTION HAS NO WRONG ANSWER

Q: What do you miss most about Jimmy Kiss?
A: HIS GROWL

Q: I saw Heidi Gretchen Alberkraut and Loyal locked in conversation last night at the Riot House. He was feeding her drinks all night and she had her hand on his thigh. Later on, I saw them again, flirting in the smoking area. Your thoughts?
A: they totally banged that night

Q: Just saying - I would pray if I were you.
A: okay, i'll start right now - GOD OF ATOM, GOD OF THINE' ALL THE WORLD OF POWER IS MINE

Q: Have you ever been to jail before? I mean, besides the drunk tank.
A: LURK MORE - the drunk tank is my kind of tank

Q: I read that you were once jailed for publically beating Jimmy Kiss in the street. Any truth in that?
A: NONE - it was trotsky; we were high on mushrooms and went streaking down lookout mountain

Q: How long will it take you to learn that drugs are bad?
A: i don't understand

Q: What a great role model you are - taking heroin and talking about Satan. There will be a special place reserved in hell for you.
A: this planet doesn't deserve me - HELL NEEDS ME

Q: You've been in the spotlight for years...do you even have any friends left?
A: HEROIN IS DOPE

Q: My friends tell me that you'll fuck on the first date - I've got some warm booze and a joint waiting for you in the backseat of my car with your name on it.
A: FUNNY - what kind of car you drive?

Q: I drive a 90's import.
A: SEE YOU @ 9 BABE

Q: Leather jackets or jean jackets?
A: DUH, jean

Q: You are such a stupid little girl...how does it feel to be just another average Cielo airhead?
A: KISS U KNOW I'M ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: I hope you enjoy your time with Loyal...you know he's just going to get while the getting's good when it's his time - don't take it personally! Honestly, we're all waiting for the day you realize it was a mistake to leave Jimmy and go crawling back to him.
A: ROFL - the day i go crawling back to kiss is the day is have a tag on my toe

Q: Are you still relevant?
A: well, i have three unanswered bags of mail so...U TELL ME SMARTGUY

Q: What do I have to do to hang out with you?
A: BLOW..........and lots of it

Q: Do you miss the Gravedigger?
A: LIKE IT WAS MY RIGHT TIT - cruising around on the back of loyal's motorbike doesn't quite cut it

Q: Do you actually live on Lonesome Lane?
A: I NEVER TELL A LIE - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DOLL ON THE PLANET, 10050 LONESOME LANE, CIELO

Q: What is your idea of a good time?
A: jacking the heat in my house up to 73 degrees and running around with no clothes on

Q: What's the story with HEP!?
A: there is no story - it's a moving picture. THE ANTI-STORY

Q: Correct me if I am wrong, but Trotsky is gay, right?
A: trotsky is so much more than that

Q: Johnny Frigiletti - who is he?
A: he was trotsky's rent boy - now ludo ludovic is - and does everything media-related for the camp. he survived the 312 bloodbath and went on to finish DIG! by his lonesome and is currently working on HEP!

Q: Jimmy Kiss, Beau Goodman, Maynard B. Alberkraut and Loyal the Lost Boy - what have you learned?
A: if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck

Q: What happened to the Doll we once knew and loved?
A: i don't know how to tell you this, but she's long gone - BOX CITY SWEETHEART

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: black - like my heart

Q: Do you ever answer questions seriously or is it just that you never get any serious questions?
A: well, that all depends - R U BEING SRS?

Q: Which Kiss brother do you think is cuter - Jimmy or Joey?
A: JOHNNY

Q: I've been seeing Joey Kiss roaming around Cielo lately; does this mean you finally moved him into the Love Shack?
A: yes but don't tell his big brother - JIMMY WILL TAKE TWO SHITS AND DIE

Q: Can we bang? Like no joke - dead up.
A: SURPRISE ME

Q: I would die if I met you! The first time I saw you, you were topless and flipping off a crowd of people. Then you sort of passed out on the stairs on your way down.
A: TYPICAL DOLL

that's my girl! topless one second and unconscious the next.

the doll wants to run away to the big rock of nose candy mountains

she needs 'hab like there is no tomorrow

you already know what this is about, for whenever kathleen starts going on her drug-free tour - it means she's everything but clean.

the front pages reported today that 'those close to' baby babble have come forward in an effort to help rehabilitate her from drugs and alcohol. they told the papers that she started doing blow again at the freak fest; mates fear that the doll's habit will get worse, and she'll go spiraling off the deep end.

please. the day kathleen stops doing drugs is the day all the dealers' hearts in the world stop beating. this will never happen. also, everyone knows baby babble dines on a breakfast of crack rock cereal with whiskey milk, heroin and cocain speedball sandwiches for lunch and a casserole made out of foilies, broken glass, crushed-up klonopins, fentanly strips and 40s for dinner - she has been for ages and won't quit until the fat lady sings. let's just give her some air and let her snort lines until her heart is content. i don't care what the front pages say - she likes the drugs and the drugs like her back! i guess the cat's out of the bag. she's high! she's high all of the time. she'd have to be, anyways, to wear that gross, crack smoke-stained bandanna.

the best part was when one of the sources said that when he pleaded with kathleen to go to a rehabilitation centre, she punched him in the nose and ran away. okay, you know that was maynard b. 'kraut! you just know it.

he added that she had trotsky hooked on 'dope' now - after injecting him with heroin for the first time. he also said he witnessed her shoot up other people, including one time, where the doll 'injected a young girl as she lie unconscious on on her kitchen floor.' say what? well, i guess if you grab a lethargic person by the hair and shake their head up and down, they just said, "yes, please slam me full of drugs."

the dailies did point out, though, something truly disturbing. they noted that essentially every time the beautiful one is strung out, she does the same shit! like, that filthy bandanna has replaced last year's nasty ballet slippers; loyal is the new jimmy kiss and cielo is like arcadia - only with far better speed. kathleen still eats candy, but i'm sure she'll continue to do that until her teeth rot out of her skull. trust.

fanmail of the freak fest

the beautiful one was sweet enough to take time out of her super busy schedule of rioting, drugging writers, setting fires, overturning police cars and running around naked to answer some fanmail during the festival.

why the freak fest is still relevant i have no clue. but hey, since it is, here are the answers to the letters that were piling up at kathleen's feet backstage - bear in mind, she claims to have written it on the third morning, when she was probably high on drugs! there is a ghostwriter behind this...i'm just saying!

Q: How's the Freak Fest so far?
A: it's the coolest party i've ever hosted

Q:Is it true that you took your top off during your set?
A: OH YA SURE - I TOOK MY PANTS OFF 2!

Q: I'm sure that you are really loving the Freak Fest, but don't you miss the comforts of Cielo just a little bit?
A: yes - i miss the coston fox; cruising around in the gravedigger, pumping bollywood music, annoying headlock....i also miss hot showers like a motherbear

Q:The Coston Fox? Is that a code name for something?
A: THE COSTON FOX IS SO REAL, HE DOESN'T NEED A NAME - his name actually is the coston fox

Q: How hot is it there, in Monticello, right now?
A: it's hot enough that loyal's eyes are two fried eggballs. it's hot enough that kids aren't selling drugs - they're bootlegging bottled waters. it's hot enough that sodapop is complaining, OH WAIT....LOL!

Q: £4 for a bottle of measly water? Is this a joke?
A: NOPE, YOU FORGOT 2 ADD ON THE SALES TAX! STUPID!

Q: I live in Monticello myself and you've got to tell me - when it comes to camping at the Freak Fest, who is a big crybaby and who is a bigger crybaby?
A: TROTSKY; SODAPOOP. DUH. i pushed soda in the mud yesterday and he was glaring razorblades at me for the rest of the afternoon - trotsky has about thirty mosquito bites because he simply refuses to wear anything other than glitter and gold lamé hotpants!

Q: So, just how is Trotsky holding up?
A: he. and. ludo. won't. stop. raving. HOW AM I HOLDING UP IS THE QUESTION. and not very well is the answer, when it comes to those two.

Q: So, is Jimmy cool with you hanging around his little brother?
A: oh yeah, he's absolutely psyched about it

Q: You know, I keep reading about you and Joey Kiss, but I bet you and Jimmy Kiss will be back together in no time...
A: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i'd rather be hung by my toes and have my eyeballs gouged out with two, red-hot fire pokers!

Q: Wait a second - are you with Joey Kiss or are you with Loyal the Lost Boy?
A: I STILL GOT MY BANDANNA ON, DON'T I?

Q: What is your favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: COCAINE

Q: What is Trotsky's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: rolling in glitter and holding hands with ludo

Q:What is Sodapop's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: flapping his lips, being a big baby huey

Q:What are the Lost Boys' favorite Freak Fest pastimes?
A: STEALING HUBCAPS, STUD CIGARETTES AND HEROIN

Q: I would never pay a dime for the Freak Fest - long lines, hot weather and outrageous prices just to see you? Please!
A: LOL WUT A GIP, RIGHT? i guess the 700,00 people who bought tickets aren't as smart as you

Q: I read that people weren't buying tickets...just sneaking in through the Freak Wall...any truth to that?
A: GO 2 PANEL 777, KNOCK 7 TIMES, USE THE PASSWORD "I FORGOT" - my goons will let you just walk right in!

Q: What is your favorite Lost Boys song?
A: "MARY LIKES 2 SHOOT DARTS"

Q: Trotsky's cute...does he have any brothers?
A: he has a sister, gibby - BUT PAWS OFF! sodapop's going steady with her

Q: Gibby, what a pretty name - I'll be she's a looker!
A: yeah, she looks just like her brother - WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?

Q:I read that the high of the first day was 103°! Got a sunburn yet?
A: no, but i have 33 bugbites - calamine lotion and i are one

Q:Who are the Hell Boys?
A: a bunch of pansies who are giving cielo a bad reputation

Q: What did the Hell Boys say to make the Lost Boys so angry?
A: the hell boys said, "the lost boys were jewelry and pink panties." boy, that really bent rocko j. nasty out of shape - EVERYONE KNOWS HE WEARS PURPLE PANTIES!

Q: Have fun with your little party of freaks - I'll bet Jimmy Kiss is glad to be rid of you!
A: LOL I KNOW - THE FLOPHOUSE IS SUCH A STEP UP

Q: Who is and isn't on your guestlist for backstage?
A: IS: joey kiss, trotsky, ludo ludovic, sodapop, gibby bastien, maynard, heidi gretchen alberkraut
ISN'T: jimmy kiss, beau goodman, the fence

Q: I heard that you got in a fight with Heidi Gretchen backstage, because...she is blonde and you are blonde; Loyal had drunkenly confused you for her and the two were flirting...any truth in that?
A: ROFL NONE - i pulled my knife out, onstage, because she was calling loyal a "hood" and a "JD," because he was drunker than a skunk and falling asleep sitting up

Q: Okay, I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't Gibby, like, only 16 years old? Come on, are you for real?
A: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AGE

Q: And while we're on the topic of age - isn't Loyal only 17?
A: WRONG!!!!!!!!! HE'S 17 AND A HALF!

kathleen gets an A+ for effort with me, but i'd really love to meet the people who send these questions in. all i know is, i have a lot of questions for the doll and none of them involve soda's favorite pastime or if jimmy gives a shit that joey and kathleen are chummy chums. my inquests are more along the lines of : "what the hell is the matter with you?" and, "what's with the bandanna?" and, "are you still trying to make this 90's thing happen?"

the freak fest : day three

day three sees bonfires, riots and the shit hitting the fan

if you thought that the lost boys getting slashed up on the second night was bad - think again! it would seem that looting, violence and fires have marked the end of the first - and probably only - freak fest, with kathleen and her mates most likely to take the blame.

this is the last, but not least, lineup for sunday, july 15;

east stage
12:15 - 1:15 PM : the fungus amongus
1:30 - 2:30 PM : the flying fucks
2:45 - 4:00 PM : the filth
4:20 - 5:45 PM : the fury
6:00 - 7:50 PM : the freakshows
8:15 - 9:50 PM : the flowers of evil, with kathleen on tambourine

west stage
1 - 2 PM : over the moon
2:20 - 3:30 PM : pottymouths
3:40 - 4:55 PM : questionmasters
5:35 - 6:30 PM : road to ruin
6:40 - 7:40 PM : space cadet
8:00 - 9:00 PM : tabula rasa
9:15 - 10:15 PM : unicornholes

things, for the most part, went okay during yesterday's afternoon performances - but, during the final hours of the concert, mayhem escalated as the appropriately named flowers of evil played, along with kathleen on tambourine. blue-haired bassist, biggles, mate to the doll, decided to perform stark naked, as did kathleen. it would appear that birthday suits were a trend, as kathleen posed for a photograph with a nude rocko j. nasty behind the curtain, before gracing the east stage in only an american flag. she quickly ditched it to reveal her bare body, to the screams of horror and excitement of the crowd below.

in the afternoon, long before the flowers of evil played, a group of peace promoters distributed candles, intending for a vigil to be held at the end of the show, alongside a fireworks display. naturally, most of them were used to start bonfires. the hundreds of empty plastic water bottles that littered the area were used as fuel, as well as pieces of 'the freak wall,' a gigantic, sweeping mural that was acting as a purportedly inviolable security perimeter fence. it was constructed by the pretty people and painted by joey kiss - it extends over three miles long, is twelve feet high and stretches around the entire site. it took over two months to paint, with nearly two hundred people lending their hand to joey. he also painted the east and west stage with bright psychedelic imagery - a sky complete with neon stars and planets, rainbow spaceships; a unicorn morphing into a dove - which sits in ruins now.

many large bonfires had been burning for some time before the band left the stage for an emergency broadcast to be made. kathleen, who had been acting as the announcer, interrupted the concert to say, "okay kiddos, as you can see if you look behind you, we have a bit of a problem." everyone turned to see the nine or ten out-of-control fires dotting the field. "the promoters want me to tell you to get away from the fires so that the brigade can put them out. i don't give much of a shit myself, really, but they won't put the music back on until those fires are out, so cool it!"

when the flowers of evil were finally allowed to take the stage again, they played another song before kathleen and biggles stole the microphone away to call the audiences' attention to a rather important matter plaguing the festival since it began;

kathleen: "hey, you kids - just because the girls out there want to feel free and take their tops off doesn't mean a bunch of you have to grab her tits!"

biggles: "yeah, they're her tits! leave those tits alone. tits are a girl's personal private property and they're a beautiful thing, so keep your grubby paws off you filthy animals!"

kathleen: "of course, if you all weren't so grabby, they might all take their tops off - did you ever think of that? let's just be nice to one another out there."

biggles: "that's right - be nice to the tits, keep your paws off."

kathleen: "and that's another thing - i've been noticing that a lot of girls, coming over to the top here are having every single part of them felt up. do any of you know what i mean? and i think, that just because a girl wants to go in the pit and go crowd surfing - that doesn't give you creeps a right to molest them. so, if you're a guy out there and you see a girl passing overhead - give her a break, will you? and if you're a girl out there and you see a guy passing overhead, i want you to grab his balls and give them a yank!"

biggles: "yeah, that's right doll! make it so they can't handle their little schmekeles anymore!"

LOL @ schmekeles.

they played a few more songs and then ended with a punk rock 'n' roll rendition of "goodnite, sweetheart, goodnite," instead of the song they were supposed to play. biggles then lit the american flag, which kathleen had hung on the amps, on fire. consequently, their show sent the kids over the edge. the flowers of evil and kathleen disappeared offstage and this is when the trouble began.

it wasn't long the doll started jonesing for the mic and came back to rile the freaks. she said things like, "i'm not the devil, but i'm here to do his bidding." she and the boys also got the crowd to chant, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need to water, let the motherfucker burn." she was doing all sorts of bad shit.

kathleen stayed on the east stage as long as she could, provoking the people, before jumping off to go cause some trouble on the grounds.

once the police charged in, the freaks began throwing hoisted fireworks and makeshift molotov cocktails at the fuzz. the people, rather than surrendering themselves to the cops, gathered into a tight formation and began to antagonize the battalion of officers by chanting such things as, "shoot, shoot!" and, "kill, kill!"

an audio tower was then set ablaze - remaining tents, booths and trailers full of merchandise were robbed, destroyed and used as gasoline. the angry, severely dehydrated, sleep-deprived, drugged-out, drunken concertgoers, unchallenged, grew bolder. they tipped over and successfully set several police cars on fire. according to witness reports, the police soon then charged into the pulsating sea of people and began to beat and arrest both those fighting and those not. they were incredibly edgy and struck people with batons before unpleasing tear gas onto the violent crowds. festival goers were not fazed and continues to knock over towers, burned booths and pelted police with bottles, rocks and batteries.

after about five hours, the riot was over : six policeman were dead, twenty-eight injured; twelve civilians had been shot, over a hundred were arrested and an unknown number injured. the remains of twelve trailers full of merchandise nearby the east stage continued to smolder well into this morning. a line of more than a hundred troopers' cruises formed a barrier between the concert area and the adjacent campgrounds. the doll's farm included horses, lambs, pigs and chickens - people gave animals drugs, set them free and as a result, most either ran away or were killed. patrons of the festival also camped in, subsequently ruined and then set on fire two of three alfalfa fields. large amounts of tear gas was used and at least twice, police ran squad cars full speed into crowds. wow sounds like your typical doll party. glad i wasn't there to get drugged, raped and tear-gassed.

leave it to kathleen to be tardy to her own party

it's time for baby babble to get a watch

the freak fest is set to start tomorrow, with kathleen headlining on the first night, but she's nowhere to be seen in monticello! more than half of the bands have already arrived and, according to her people, still she remains in cielo.

originally she was set to fly in, but after she missed her scheduled flight - and then a couple more scheduled flights - to go boozing, it was arranged for her to hop on a train to monticello and catch a ride into the festival grounds. well, now it looks like that plan will have to be scrapped also - the state thruway is backed up for hours and hours and has since been closed! already? shit, maybe i'm missing something important. as a result of the closed thruway, kathleen is being flown in via helicopter, as her famous jet 'the crippler' sits in repair. oh and, no one has done a head count or anything, but the freak fest hasn't even started yet and the word has it that over six hundred thousand people are expected to be in attendance tonight.

hot damn, this is turning out to be the party of the summer, but i bet i can still tell you how it's going to end : the doll and the lost boys will do as they please and, in opening the gates of hell, surely the whole thing will go up in flames.

the beautiful one goes to nutball land

accidentally stabs mate on the way there

it was kathleen who put in a frantic telephone call to cielo police last night, informing officers that they needed to send an ambulance straightaway, after she stabbed her mate "on accident." yet, today, she laughed the fence off and told them that, "the knife slipped away from me."

her friend, real name unknown - nickname 'loyal' - recently began working at the riot house, thanks to kat, as a bartender. he also runs with the greasy underground rough-and-tumble gang, the lost boys. the lost boys are in town to work with the doll - they currently have a gig every tuesday night at the riot house.

now, loyal was invited to the 10050 love shack last night for the free blow and a "small get-together between close friends," but ended up being kathleen's latest victim! don't worry, though - loyal won't be pressing charges anytime soon; for, this morning, fresh from the hospital, with his arm draped around the doll's shoulders - he asked the timeless question, "how could you be mad with a girl so beautiful?"

so, the story supposedly goes, kathleen had a few too many speedballs - just kidding - it was too many whiskey sours and she was fooling around with her knife, when loyal gives her the go-ahead to "playfully" stab him. bad move, loyal. clearly he wanted to die.

moving right along - kathleen stabs him. she told the fuzz that she didn't cut him deep and she made sure that she got him in the side, "the safest place to knife someone." earth to doll, there is no safe place to knife someone! i know you have major experience with knives, but i didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - you're not fooling me.

naturally, loyal had his own knife and the pair continued their dangerous game for about twenty minutes or so. the doll stopped to take a break and headed to the main house for a drink - this is when guests found him on the lawn, in a pool of blood, completely unconscious. and this is why i never go to any of her parties! coke and knives - sounds like a blast. NOT!

all i have to say is - where was headlock during all of this? he used to drag kat's ass out of the bar by her hair and flush her blow down the john if she gave him any lip. nowadays, whenever she fucks up - he's nowhere in sight! or he basically tells the papers that he saw it coming. total bullshit, right?

like today, he told the front pages that, "she's had that knife for a long time - longer than i can remember. she used to carry it in a sheath on her hip. the first night i worked for her, she pulled it out and was playing with it in front of me. she asked, 'does this make you nervous?' she's tried to stab people more times than i can count on my fingers, so, honestly, this comes as no big surprise to me." see? totally sold her out on a dime.

and it's like nothing ever happened

here we go again

it's the summer of love and kathleen recently found herself choosing between maynard b. alberkraut and someone who could be easily confused with a wet mop. jimmy just got out of the slammer a couple of minutes ago - in something he calls a 'mixup' - and even though kathleen didn't take any time out of her super, super busy schedule of eating candies, sunning in a bikini, slugging down booze and chasing the dragon to see him behind bars, word around the campfire has it that you can now call her jimmy's girl again. she even allowed him to move all his shit - a couple of trilbies, a pair of winklepicker boots and an old iron maiden LP - back into the 10050 love shack.

good! i'm glad. i was never a chairholding member in the i love 'kraut committee. ok, maybe a little at first, but by the end, he had me asleep.....to death, i'm telling you!

there were two major turning points. firstly, kathleen went to the hep parade magazine offices yesterday morning to dot some Is and cross some Ts - she told them that maynard was a 'stunt' and that she's happily back snorting lines off of jimmy's butt again. ok, she didn't say the last part, but she was thinking it. a stunt? well, she sure had me going. i wish i were smarter.

secondly, jimmy told the front pages something today that truly made me cringle madly deeply, "she's the one - i want my ring on her finger." he's only said shit like this one other time - he got trashed in arcadia without kathleen and got lost on the streets. the fuzz somehow caught up with him and offered kiss a ride home. only problem was - he couldn't remember where the hell he lived! he told them, "you know, the house with all the flashers out front, trying to catch a glimpse of my bride." turns out he was just super verschinckered, because the next day, the doll just laughed and laughed the story away. in response to the rumor that jimmy started today, kathleen said, "no! not even on a bet!"

still, it sounds like he wants to marry her......or something. you know, he'd have a better shot at her accepting if he proposed with a ring made of candy - or black tar heroin. oh, and if he had the money to buy one. jimmy's pockets have been mighty empty since the beginning of time.
now, no one - not even loose lips sodapop - will confirm, but i believe that kathleen and maynard are finally done. i heard that the doll was tired of trying to make "boring" 'kraut get outside of himself. for example, tame maynard mostly liked to lie around in bed and read books and be a goody-goody, whereas kat and kiss used to take their breakfast cereal with champagne instead of milk; they'd throw television from hotel windows, smash glass and cut themselves up with it - no one wanted to come anywhere near them! not even headlock!
so what if maynard b. opened doors for her and lit her cigarettes? kiss lights her crackpipe and goes to jail for her. that's what love is really about.

the doll : "jimmy, who?"

baby babble takes it off for maynard's birthday in hep parade

he was thrown a lavish party last week in cielo - kathleen jumped naked out of a cake - but i juess 'kraut has a birthday that never ends, because a spread featuring a scantily-clad doll ran today in hep parade and jimmy is not feeling it.

luckily, kiss didn't have to whistle for any flashers to come to his corner - they were already there. outside of the doll's lonesome lane home, photographers asked her if she thinks the spread will 'hurt jimmy's feelings,' and kathleen responded with, "jimmy, who?" kiss was last seen with tears streaming down his face. oh well. jimmy should know by now that there's not a black heart like the black, black heart of the black-hearted doll named kat.

outside of the flophouse, where he's been staying since kathleen told him, 'see you - wouldn't want to be you!' - kiss said inbetween sniffles, "i'll see her in hell." well, once the doll finally gets around to writing and releasing ☺, she can go straight to work on JIMMY KISS IS A BIG, FAT CUNT AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS.