the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

ludo ludovic is welcomed into the pretty people club with open arms

a couple of days ago, after the doll broke headlock's arm, her camp announced that they would be hiring ludo ludovic to temporarily fill his position. today, however, kathleen announced that he would be coming on board permanently and that he would be moving into 1999 lisbon drive - or as it is now fittingly known to this planet and the surrounding galaxies : 'the kiss cradle.' i don't know why she's being so hasty - maybe ludo knows where to score the good drugs in the easy street hills. maybe it's because christmas is coming up in the next couple of days. on the other hand, there's word that it's because his grandmother is a heavyweight in the publishing world and baby babble is manipulating the staff to help her write ☺. funny, because everyone knows that the doll's books are ghostwritten by satan's enslaved sluts; her books come straight from the deep, deep fiery pits of hell and are bound by their charred souls. duh.

now, because ludovic is so young and susceptible to the doll's witchy charms - much like trotsky once was before she eventually corrupted him - the fence is suggesting that she is trying to fill the hole in her heart where trotsky used to live with ludo. kathleen called bullshit on the gossip and said, "no one will ever be able to replace trotsky. with that being said, i found someone to replace trotsky - his name is ludo ludovic." wow, with the way that the beautiful one has been going on and on about trotsky, i wouldn't be surprised if she buried him in the backyard of her home in arcadia. in addition to ludo, she also asked her brother - sodapop cola - to move back in and look after the property. i'm guessing this has something to do with the fact that ludo is built like a girl and soda is built like a brick shithouse.

in other doll news, she was a picture of ladylike behavior today downtown on the arcadian high road. she was shopping at an affluent boutique for all the 'it' people, when one of the shop slaves came up and demanded that she leave! the million dollar brat asked why and the worked said, "because you smell like cigarette smoke." say what?????

i can't believe my eyeballs, but i'm sure i read that right. no one calls the doll smelly and lives to tell the story! anyways, i guess the kid told kathleen that she needed to vamoose, because she was still stinking up the joint; so, the beautiful one remained still as a statue. then, with ever so much grace and dignity, she rooted in her satchel, produced a ciggie and immediately started puffing away on it. security was called and you know the rest - but at least kathleen got the last laugh! i'm really quite surprised that she didn't return later with a can of gasoline and burn the place down! that boutique really got off easy, i'm telling you..............

the doll makes a futile attempt to kill headlock

joey buys her motorbike as early christmas gift; she nearly maims headlock with it

a couple of weeks ago, while the doll and her young kiss were on holiday in grimaldi, joey came across a vintage motorcycle being peddled by a real live greaser and knew that he just had to buy it for baby babble. when joey called and had it rerouted to their new easy street hills home in arcadia, it ended up arriving earlier than expected; so, joey decided to let kathleen open it early. i think we all know where this is going...............

within moments of turning the key to 'on,' she had totaled the bike - with headlock riding bitch. a frantic joey rushed the two to hospital. kathleen is fine - she'll probably outlive us all - but headlock broke his left arm, wrist and cracked a rip as well. while she was talking to doctors, she confessed that she hadn't eaten all day long, took some quaaludes and guzzled a couple of drinks before the crash, sure, but she wasn't tipsy. um, only a couple drinks? come on, doll, don't kid yourself! try a couple bottles. and quaaludes? where did you manage those from? a time capsule from 1974? she also told headlock that he should have known that he was driving her to drink.....and drive.......

her brother told the papers that, not to worry, baby babble's camp had already sent for ludo ludovic - trotsky's old rent-boy - to replace grandpa headlock until he feels better. they also contracted out the help of a specialist to repair kathleen's broken motorbike. okay, can someone please give me a good reason as to why in the fuck are they fixing the 'cycle back up? that thing is a deathtrap and if the million dollar brat isn't careful, she'll be the next asshole walking into hospital with a broken arm - or worse.

speaking of which, i'll bet headlock wishes that day would come sooner rather than later - because katty cakes was a straight up bitch to him while he was hurting. the doll said that she was seconds away from demanding a prescription-strength bullet in the head and ending it all, since headlock wouldn't shut the fuck up! she said that he was in so much pain and crying like such a skirt that is was "tear-jerking to see him in such a state." and by that, kathleen of course means that she thought long and hard about suffocating him with one of the hospital's flatter-than-cardboard pillows. i say, in her defense, she's a writer - not a nurse. caring about people isn't part of her gig.

hopefully, for her sake, while the doll was in hospital she asked for a quick vitamin transfusion - because she is beginning to look a little on the ratty side yet again. on the other hand, it could be for the reason that the million dollar morphine brat conned the doctors out of a couple of narcotic pain injections for her on the low-low. sodapop joked to the press that is made his sister so loopy, she started dancing in the hallway of the emergency room until she fell down and passed out for a little disco nap. to that i say - damn! kathleen needs to get me the street name of that shit.

katty cakes is a stage five wreck at cosmic charlie's outer space costume ball

celebrates "free candy day" early and with lots of class, ass and grass

kathleen took joey as her plus one to cosmic charlie's cosmic disco for a halloween party and really made me proud - she was naked all over the place, loaded and, at one point, was sitting up on the roof throwing water balloons at the fence. she must have either been drunk and stoned - or on a serious sugar high.

.....but this isn't what has people talking. her plummeting goddamn weight is what has people worried!

now, in her defense, she eats! she eats all the time. the other say i saw her hog down a whole eight-ball lemonade ice lolly, a handful of popcorn and then, she binged and had three pieces of bubblegum to herself. she's a total pig, i'm telling you. let's be real though, people dream of having a body like like the beautiful one's - willowy and sleek, like an unlit matchstick.

dressed for the ball, her costume was...um, i don't know what. i think she started out as a gothic 90's cheerleader and, by the end of the night, was, um, a half-naked gothic 90's cheerleader. joey played it safe as a greaser, which was very touching in its own respect - he even dyed his peroxide-blonde-wannabe-loyal locks back to classic kiss brown for the event. trotsky and ludo were too cool to wear costumes, as were the lost boys; except for loyal - who dressed as a ghost, opting for the time-honored design of a white sheet with holes cut out for the eyes and mouth. you know he only did it to hide his face from shame - and to hide the tears streaming down his faces when he saw the gothic cheerleader and the greaser dirty dancing on the like it was nobody's business!

kathleen tried really, really hard to be good, but the doll got the best of her and it wasn't long before she was up to her usual shit. the trouble all started when some mates clambered to the roof of the club to smoke a cigarette and finish their drinks without the bother of the party below. once the flashers realized this and started snapping away, kathleen called down to trotsky and told him to run to the nearest shop. she demanded he buy some water balloons, fill them up and bring them up to her. trotsky responded with, "yes, your majesty," and within twenty minutes he was back, balloons at hand. the sunshine kid and company began launching the goods at the fence, causing them to disperse. shortly after this, kathleen came down from the roof, got naked and began running around the cosmic disco. eventually, she was threatened to be kicked out by security, after she lit up her three-hundredth doobie of the night.

that's cute, but no one tells wild honeypie what to do! she stomped outside with her arms crossed, told the flashers that she was getting out of the "square ball" as fast as her ballet slippers could carry her and that she was appalled people could be so "heartless", especially so close to "free candy day," of all days! like she's anyone to talk - she has a 'for rent' sign where her heart used to be. nevertheless, the greaser and the half-naked gothic cheerleader tossed photographers the middle finger, clambered in the back of the gravedigger and went back to the 10050 where they belong.

back to the garden

"kids are walking barefoot all over cielo" 

if you were to stand on any high road in the valley right now, you would see select packs of the doll's freaks roaming around - about thirty or so more than usual. they are filling up the downtown streets faster than the doll smokes a gram. no, jimmy kiss hasn't dropped dead from a broken heart yet and they're gathering for his funeral - kathleen has opened up her home to the pretty people. most of them arrived by train early this morning and, according to sodapop, they will continue arriving all summer. baby babble has reopened the revolving doors of her 10050 love shack and turned it into a campground for all the young lost kids of cielo, arcadia and mulholland. these are the kids who will totally be famous in a couple of years. the 10050 is like finishing school. sodapop said;

"dig it, this is the scene - we're getting together a bunch of flintstone kids, punkers, bikies, flower children, silver spooners and buskers and we're going to find out what happens when we all party together." 

i'll bet the neighbors are thrilled.

all of the beautiful one's freaky friends have already set up camp at her lonesome lane estate - and by that, i mean they've seriously set up camp there. tents are scattered throughout the three acre property; she's even had six yurts built on and below the hillside to house her pretty people. the bulk of the freaks consist of your usual poor-little-rich-kid artist types, booted out of their upscale homes and cast into the real world. lost and still a little wet behind the ears, it was only natural that they ended up at the doll's.

like i said before, she's already given maynard b. alberkraut and ludo ludovic the most important jobs at the riot house - wearing gold hotpants and dancing on tables - so the freaks will be fighting over the dregs. some will slave at the riot house and the others at hep parade. kathleen has already made it clear that if, "you don't work, you don't eat," so those that aren't working with her will be on their own. i foresee a run in the busking occupation of downtown cielo in the very near future.

that's about all i know - i'm packing my bindle stick on the quick and hopping the next train to cielo. i've got dream to be a freak and only the doll can make that a reality!

wild honeypie will open the riot house in cielo

right on the strip in the valley and everything

the riot house is soon to be known in cielo as the end-all of hotel-nightclubs, because the doll has given it her sunshine touch. she's opening up the joint under her name and you know she's only doing it to drink for free. a hotelier, by the name of rudy rubideaux, is helping her with all the angles.

back on subject, she told hep parade magazine that when it comes to the riot house, she wants to emulate some of the idyllic rock 'n' roll hotels of long ago, as well as give it her signature hep look. she considered opening in mulholland for a hot minute, but finally decided upon cielo after her move from arcadia. renovations began earlier this year, once the doll purchased the the benz high school building. katty cakes has transformed the nine acre property, originally built in 1881, into a really happening scene.

instead of a gymnasium in the east wing, there's a grand ballroom - intended for formal dinners, masquerades, balls and other elegant affairs. the ballroom is decorated with the utmost extravagance - a massive dome, constructed of wrought ironwork and glass covers the entrance; inside, false windows with mirrors and mirrored glass open the hall, making it more light and bright. the 72-foot high ceiling is composed entirely of glass - the massive skylight opens up the beautiful cielo sky, day or night.

the ballroom connects to an auditorium in the middle of the hotel; the theatre was left as-is and renovated to its former state. the kitchen is located in a separate building, cater-cornered to the bungalows; in the basement, sits the riot house bar and nightclub - the street entrance can be found on benz alley. everything reeks of the doll - in the bar, above the dance floor is a giant "man in the moon with a cocaine spoon." i can't even make this shit up. the moon and the spoon are suspended above at opposite sides of the room and meet when the glittering, cocaine-dusted spoon goes back and forth into the moon's nose. the busboys for the bar are going to wear gold hot pants and nothing else - kathleen said, "their job is to wipe off the tables and then dance on them." trotsky, maynard b. alberkraut, sodapop and ludo ludovic make up the bartending and wait staff.

in a building that hosts so much history of cielo, the doll felt that it was inappropriate to demolish and affirmed that the added relics would only appeal to patrons more.

the riot house sits on the intersection of benz street and bethel boulevard. the hotel has one hundred rooms, twenty-five suites, five garden cottages, five poolside cottages and five penthouses. the property itself is surrounded and filled with lush gardens, in which three ample mountain pools are contained. guests will revel in things like in-room safes, personalized stationary, limousine services, fine hand-stitched linens, laundry facilities and 24-hour room service - food can be ordered from the rooms or the bar. the rooms differ, but features range from working fireplaces, hardwood floors, full kitchen and dining areas, private entrances, attached carports, landscaped courtyards, wraparound terraces and private gardens. basically, anything you want, you can have - at the riot house. and yes, that's means drugs too. i mean, this is the doll we're talking about.

the opening ceremony will take place this weekend - the who's who of arcadia, mulholland, cielo and even people coming in special from the isle of grimaldi will be there - or be square.

the beautiful one holidays with the pretty people

tries to escape 'no-mates' beau badman

kathleen was seen strolling along the beaches this weekend, on the isle of grimaldi, with her best pals by her side. it would seem that beau badman, who spent the weekend cooling off in an arcadian jailcell, is the furthest thing from the doll's mind as she enjoys a relaxing holiday with jimmy kiss, trotsky, brother sodapop cola, new members to the group maynard b. alberkraut, ludo ludovic and the rest of her people in tow. her army of 25+ wandering artists, bikers, punks, gypsies, junkies, flower children and billion dollar babies have been ceremoniously dubbed 'the pretty people' by kathleen and also called "the freaks" by the papers. they all boarded the doll's private jet, the crippler, in arcadia on friday morning and landed before sundown. i could make a joke about wild honeypie being high here, but really i'd rather not.

headlock, who is staying in cielo all by his lonesome, sent trotsky and brother sodapop ahead to watch over the group. these two, along with her pretty people, have reportedly been a "tower of strength" for her, what with the human slaughterhouse on skid row and beau stalking her and everything. you know, because jimmy's not a tower of strength! he's more like a tower of wet rags.