the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

tragedy strikes at the riot house!

x

death in the gardens!

the riot house has been shut down until further notice by order of the cielo fuzz, because trotsky plunged to his death early this morning. the autopsy has not yet been made public, but witnesses say that following a long night of snorting and shooting drugs, he scrambled atop the roof to light some leftover fireworks from the freak fest; at some point, he lost his footing and plummeted down to the ground below. his body was discovered by kathleen in the riot house rose gardens before daybreak. trotsky was 21 years old.

the million dollar brat is currently holed up at her 10050 love shack and is absolutely refusing to speak with anyone who is not tied in with the doll camp. the only person to come or leave is headlock, who went to the airport this morning to pick up sodapop cola, kathleen's brother - who was in arcadia, working on a super duper secret job, given to him by his sister. once home in cielo, soda didn't waste time on spilling to the fence and said that trotsky's run-in with police the other night was no drunken twist of fate. after losing his mind from taking too many drugs and fleeing kathleen's lonesome lane home, a concerned headlock phoned the fuzz and informed them that trotsky was suicidal. by the time he was apprehended by deputies, however, he did not appear to want to take his own life - "he was acting like a brat; he just needed to dry out," one officer said. police had no choice but to let him go. soda said that the incident occurred after the doll begged with trotsky to enter rehab, but he snubbed any and all pleas.

he was recently charged with disturbing the peace after a long night with 'bad influence' kathleen. he’s been living, for quite some time, in the guest cottage on the edge of the property and therefore he became the doll's #1 friend and running mate. she even named him as the successor to headlock's position and she also named him in her last will and testament as a beneficiary.

well, trotsky, you were always one of my favorites; you could dance all night on club drugs and still find time to trim the hedges, take phone messages and snort lines with baby babble - here's hoping that you're still disturbing the peace.......up in heaven.

a funeral is expected to be held sometime next week, but neither kathleen nor her people will give any word on the matter. the flashers have even respectfully given up roosting outside 10050 lonesome lane, so we must really have a tragedy on our hands. you know a paparazzo would never put their camera down - even if it was on fire.

R.I.P. trotsky - there will never be another gold-hotpants-wearing caretaker like you.

mr. obvious says that kathleen is a bad influence

um, duh

trotsky was taken into custody last night for public indecency, intoxication and resisting arrest - when questioned by the fuzz, he told officers that kathleen was his boss and that she's a "bad influence" on him. i'm sure everyone in the police station and nearby vicinity was instantly brought to their knees from paralyzing laughter. i know that i was.

when the deputies asked why he didn't have any clothes on, trotsky said that kathleen had dared him to and he didn't want to seem like a big baby huey by saying no. when the cops asked him why he had white powder around the outside of his nose, he replied that katty cakes took him to a wild party in the easy street hills with all her friends. good cover!

okay, she may be a shitty role model, but the doll really came through with her witch magic and saved the day; she had her lawyer - judah fussganger - summoned and the charges against trotsky vanished into a cloud of glitter within a matter of seconds. okay, i'm lying - trotsky didn't get out until this morning and when he died - kathleen was nowhere to be found! still, i'm sure her witchcraft helped in his release, even if she was casting spells in her heroin-activated sleep.

without hesitation, once trotsky had been released from the pokey, he told reporters on the scene that he's going to give kathleen a good tongue-lashing the next time he sees her, because she was right by his side when the fuzz showed up - and then she took off running without him! he attested that wild honeypie was there one second and the next, all he could see was blonde hair fading into the horizon. he tried to catch up to her, but was apprehended and immediately arrested and handcuffed. LOL. i don't know what he expected - maybe next time he'll keep his head on a swivel like wild honeypie and run too.

trotsky - in classic sodapop fashion - continued to spill outside of the cielo jailhouse this morning and said that the real reason he's so bummed is because, "spending the night in jail cost me a hot date." well, why didn't you say so? the doll gets with anything that walks, talks and wears a trilby hat; but not everyone has it that easy! even trotsky needs love too.

speaking of trilbies, can someone please tell baby babble that it is not cool to pass jimmy's highly valued statement piece around to all her boyfriends? think about it - in a cold, dark and lonely alley somewhere, jimmy is trying to fight off the crocodile tears and is keeping his head warm with a pile of newspapers.

jimmy kiss hemmed up at 10050 love shack

streets are now a little safer

kiss was popped today, right out front of the lonesome lane home he used to share with the doll, having just returned from retrieving his belongings. oh, and he might have 'borrowed' a few crack rocks from kat's personal stash. hey! now, i know what you're thinking, but he at least wrote one of his famous IOUs. the 's' clearly stands for shit, because he will never get around to paying her back.

jimmy wasn't arrested for violating his restraining order - surprise, surprise - he was arrested for simple possession of marijuana. bummer, i was expecting a felony.

the beautiful one has been unavailable for a comment on her sleazy ex, as she is currently redecorating her recently acquired farmhouse in monticello - some say she's in hiding since kiss wouldn't take a hint and some say she's avoiding the cielo police force as the word is they will be investigating over a bunch of leads about the riot house being a haven for drugs, gambling and all sorts of other illegal activities. please! they aren't going to do shit. the police will start investigating the riot house right after they get on their magical unicorns and fly off to planet never.

if you ask me, the fuzz should just do themselves a favor and keep jimmy's cell ready at all times. it's only a matter of time before he gets thrown in the clink again. i mean, you know he's got a 'home, sweet home' plaque on the wall; his slippers are in the corner and there's a shelf he built for his best trilbies.

i really should stop all the kiss hate. compared to 'kraut, he's a total live wire. it's like the doll's the vein and jimmy's the needle. together, they're the ultimate combo, but apart, it's just not the same. besides, maynard is about as thrilling as vanilla ice cream.

it's dollface - enough said

katty cakes beats heroin snots out of beau badman, tells fuzz "i didn't know i couldn't do that" - the laughs can still be heard echoing in space

i'm absolutely positive now that kathleen was absent on the day they taught "treat others how you would like to be treated" in kindergarten - unless, of course, she does like to have her face smashed into the pavement on a regular basis - because i am tired of having to write about the doll stomping some ass! shit's ridiculous.

last night began normally - the doll was hitting the sauce at the l'amour bar and restaurant like usual with jimmy, when she stepped outside for a smoke. okay, she, jimmy, trotsky and anyone else who wanted to come, stepped outside for a doobie break. kathleen was busy hotboxing the gravedigger, when sodapop knocked on the window and warned her that beau badman was in the house. notes from fuzz on the scene state that the fight started when beau approached the gravedigger. it was on! kathleen pushed jimmy out of the car and began to lay the smackdown on beau. by the time she finished, there was blood all over the car, her dress and the concrete. the report went on to say that she slammed his head into a window and hit him until sodapop and jimmy could peel her off. i'm sure somewhere in there it also mentioned how she was chasing the dragon during all of this. she's like an octopus - she can beat beau badman with one hand, shovel snow up her nose with another and write down ideas for her next book, all while smoking a cigarette.

as she was being hauled off in the paddywagon, she howled her world-renowned line, "if i ever see you again, you're dead!" only, i seriously doubt that because he was arrested also for...well, for being beau badman. and, like usual, as soon as beau was in custody - he started singing like a canary! he told the officers that this wasn't his first time riding the doll beatdown rollercoaster with no safety bar and that he feared for his life. i would too - no one fucks with jimmy's wallet aka kat. all she had to say was, "i'm sorry, officer, i didn't know i couldn't do that." the handcuffs dissolved instantly into a pile of glitter and the doll was free!

outside of her skid row palace this morning, she hushed the naysayers with, "i don't know if you've ever mixed heroin and cocaine before..." no, she didn't, but you know she wanted to!

beau badman is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

last night, kathleen and jimmy were having one of their usual knock-down and drag-out crackhead fights about beau, when the doll decided to run away from kiss and go join the badman himself in a fog of cocaine dust once and for all. only problem was - when she showed up outside the tin shack he calls a home, she busted him red-handed getting busy with another girl! cue the waterworks.

she told sodapop that she saw him through the window and when she tried to the open the door to start the slaughter, it was locked. the windows must have also been bulletproof as well, because you know she came back with a loaded gun. so, she sucked up what guts she had left and stumbled home to save the homicide for another day.

.......just kidding! wild honeypie started banging on his door until he answered and then she beat him with a frightening-looking four-fingered ring that had an uncanny resemblance to brass knuckles. she fucked up his face, stomach, ribs and back. that's right, sister! you tell him. if he takes a sledgehammer to your heart in front of god and everybody - well, then you just take a sledgehammer to his face and send him the bill!

the girl beau was banging behind kat's back ran out the door and hasn't been heard from since. that's because kathleen and sodapop totally paid her a little visit and her new address is : in a hole, beneath your feet, the middle of nowhere.

now, when i first heard this news, i couldn't believe my eyeballs, but the doll is backing all of it. she said that, "beau goodman is a plague to arcadia and i will do all in my power to drag his name through the gutter at every opportunity i find. i simply cannot wait for him to die, so that i can spit and dance on his grave." no, she didn't say the last part, but i'm sure she is planning on it.

oh and the fuzz did come to beau's easy street home to calm the situation down, but didn't arrest kathleen, because she said beau put his hands on her initially. damn! she's getting better at dealing with the pigs. i know this isn't her first time at the french opera, but she has definitely learned from her last fifteen stints in jail. the officers immediately took their mean mugs off of the doll and settled them on beau. they tackled and arrested him faster than baby babble could squeal, "get him!"

i imagine she won't be pressing charges, though, since she's his #1 fan. she'll probably just let him dry out in the can for a couple of days to scare the shit out of him. i say she should leave beau to rot in there forever and do the world some good! he's with his kind now.

beau badman is the latest deadbeat to sing the jailhouse blues

jimmy kiss seen jumping up and clicking his heels in the streets

jimmy no longer has to deal with beau badman, the rotten lowlife, bumming his ciggies, smoking up his crack stash or borrowing his favorite trilby without asking - because beau has temporarily moved into the big house. jimmy is probably happier than a pig in a mud - recently released from jail and the one person he holds the most contempt for gets hemmed up for the time being? this shit couldn't be better if there was a dramatic score to accompany it. and, it looks like kiss believes kathleen when she says she only kissed beau. fool!

everything all started when baby babble invited him along to her hep parade  birthday photo shoot. she arrived at the studio at eleven in the morning and around midnight, when the "work" was done, kathleen decided to thank the crew by sending out for some booze.

naturally, it wasn't long before everyone was falling-down drunk. that's when "sticky fingers" beau decided to make his move and case the joint! the crew reported a bunch of shit -worth about £1,500 - missing the next morning. he took an american flag backdrop, a pair of moldy, old roller skates, a giant cat head and paws and a bunch of other worthless junk. damn, was that trash made out of gold or something? and he's got to be the dumbest criminal alive! why didn't he swipe any cameras or televisions or anything expensive? i'm sure there was plenty of that lying around. besides, if those people were so drunk, why didn't he just rob their asses? no shame in that - i would have.

so, the story goes that beau badman was charged and tossed in the can. good! i hope he stays there forever. i mean, WTF, beau? this is not magical free land where you can just do whatever you want all the time! but don't feel so bad. back in the day, the doll was sent to the slammer after she crashed her car into her own house while her license was on suspension. she was also high on pills when the incident took place. she promised she'd try really, really hard not to do it again and was released subsequently.

the best part was when the police showed up to the 312 to question kat and beau.

beau: "okay, so i stole the cat head and the flag and shit - whatever! i figured i'd give it back - i didn't know i'd have to walk the green mile for it."
cop: "so you're admitting that you stole the things?"
beau: "i took them!"
cop: "you took them, or you stole them?"
beau: "i...took them, like, borrowed it."
cop: "ok and did kathleen...."
doll: "don't look at me - i didn't touch shit."

the funny thing is, you know she totally did.