i don't like jokes, so i don't find this very funny.....

the million dollar brat is expecting a brat of her very own

okay, i don't even know where to begin. my head has just barely stopped spinning from the news about kathleen and joey's sudden engagement and now the papers are reporting that the one and only doll has a bun in the oven. and no, reporters didn't squeeze the news out of sodapop for once - it was kathleen herself who proudly phoned the dailies' office early today to confirm the good news. still, it was to no avail - this morning's headlines rang like an obituary : ARCADIAN ROYALTY, KATHLEEN AND JOEY KISS, PLANNING SHOTGUN WEDDING. 

those sick dickheads! i mean, she gave them an inch and they took a mile. i don't know; if you ask me, this whole thing stinks like a sleazy, old-fashioned feat for publicity. think about it - the doll's new year's resolutions were to - you guessed it - do boatloads of cocaine this coming year! i guess she'll have to forget all about that now; because, being knocked up means giving up almost everything she lives for : chasing the dragon, guzzling 40s, jumping rope, taking fat rips off of a frosty bong, doing the twist to oldies music, taking whippets, smoking ciggies and slamming speedballs. well, sucks to be her! i'm going to do tons of speedballs out of my frosty bong while skipping rope and make her so jealous. so, before kathleen gets ahead of herself and enrolls in lamaze classes, she can go ahead and check herself into the nearest rehab - let's get the future best mother of this galaxy a little detoxification and she'll be good to go.

speaking of, also featured in today's paper was the backlash on the doll's baby broadcast. everybody and their dog tripped over themselves to get in the dailies and say something about it! joey said, "the word around the campfire is true - kathleen and i are as happy as a dog with two tails. we really only got the news ourselves, but we wanted to be the first to spill to the fence."

sodapop cola said, "i just can't wait to teach the little angel how to swear and flip people off." um....yeah, right, soda - more like teach the little angel how to dial the flashers to leak information at the drop of a dime.

headlock said, "i'm happy for the kids." from there he began to dribble on about how he wanted to be a part of the kiss family.....or something. he said, "i would love nothing more than to be front row throughout the kid's life.....i'll build the baby a soapbox car to race in, maybe be the one to give him his first beer and play catch with him in the yard - i'll be like grandpa headlock." um, earth to gramps - it's not 1934! there are no soapbox car races anymore! that shit hasn't been around for a long time. and, just how old is headlock going to be when kathleen and joey's baby is ready for their first beer? 316 years old? get your head out of the clouds, grandpa!

for the rest of the spread, reporters rounded up all of kathleen's old rent boys - even the stinky rat beau badman crawled out of the sewer to make a statement - and the lads each gave their own sincere response.

loyal said, "on behalf of the lost boys, we'd like to congratulate the happy couple and say that we all can't wait to corrupt the little lamb. also, the hell boys want me to say that shortly after the birth, your kid is going to be inducted as an honorary member of their gang. if there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask." gross - i wouldn't let those drooling, bandanna-donning punks anywhere near my kid, even with a blood test and hazmat suit.

maynard b. alberkraut opted for his classic role of sappy romantic and - aside from making it seem like he was still in love with kathleen - gushed, "despite her reputation, she was born to be a mother; and with joey, her child will not only be blessed with beauty, but brains as well. i wish for them nothing but the stars and hope that kathleen's pregnancy goes smoothly." okay, i can totally see joey throwing the doll a 'really?' look the entire time he read maynard's contribution - i know that i did."

beau, in-between wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and taking fat slugs out of a flask, followed maynard's suit and targeted the doll in his statement. beau said, "got any heroin?" no, i'm kidding. he said, "wowie zowie, doll, i never thought i'd see the day where you were with child. i'll bet that you end up having the toughest baby in the whole wide world - in fact, i hope you do. i'm glad that someone could make you happy - lord knows i tried." sadly, that actually wasn't a joke - beau is pretty deluded. the former fling of kathleen's wrapped up his soapbox set on a lighter note, with, "i hope your old man - they tell me his name is joey - continues to do good by you. if he doesn't, you know that you can always call me." LOL @ that nonsense! i'm sure the doll would sooner gargle battery acid.

lastly, jimmy kiss - joey's older brother - kept from sobbing and through gritted teeth, remarked, "congratulations to them both - i'll bet joey will be a great father and i just know i'm going to have to spoil the hell out of that brat. l'chaim!" well, give him all the candies and toys that you want, but keep him away from the blow! if the child truly is of doll descent, one dance with the white lady would surely be one dances too many!

baby babble got the last laugh and said, "i've been knocked up all of fifteen minutes and aliens vacationing on saturn's rings have already sent their congratulations. mind your own goddamn business or i'll sic joey on you." then, she added, "and did i hallucinate or did beau goodman actually address me? i thought he was dead already...." okay, kathleen didn't say the last part, but i'm sure that she wanted to. she really should have - for her baby's sake.

in other doll news, her puppy dog - wingnut - made the morning news when he slithered underneath the kiss cradle gates at four this morning and began scampering down lisbon drive. one of the beautiful one's candid photographers - on a stakeout for pregnancy snapshots - spotted the pup. he rang the telephone number listed on wingnut's tag - kathleen answered, mumbled inaudibly for a moment and, before slamming the receiver down, screamed "go fuck yourself!" naturally, the flasher's next call was to the local arcadian television station. wingnut roamed around the stage set for most of the morning, until kathleen phoned in and began bitching out the television anchors for kidnapping her dog! without even so much as a warning, the doll barged onto the scene as the news was airing live and demanded the return of her beloved puppy. there has never been a soul that said no to the million dollar brat and lived to tell the story, so wingnut was placed back in the loving arms of his master.

kathleen made her grand exit off of the programme, following a dig at the kisses' offspring - the lead news lady kidded, "let's hope, for your sake, that your seed is smarter than wingnut and stays inside the gates." the doll smashed a tray of coffee cups and called the anchorwoman a, "cunt who lives on asshole avenue in loserland." then, baby babble kicked up her ballet slippers and stormed out of the station; but not before she flipped off the cameras, still recording live. that's my girl!

shiksa goddess kathleen meets mama kiss

and the rest of the kiss clan in upstate arcadia

the beautiful one is currently dating gentleman joey, who, unlike his big brother jimmy, practices judiasm. as a result, kathleen not only hosted traditional christmas parties, but is also going to learn all about hanukkah with the kiss family this year. now, i don't know what roofie joey slipped in his mommy's drink, but she is not only cool with the doll coming to hanukkah - she is actually a fan of the doll's work. you would think mama kiss would be the kind of mother to only refer to kathleen as 'that girl.' you would also think that she'd tell the shiksa sunshine kid to piss up a rope after breaking jimmy's heart, but he's probably the black sheep of the family. in a sign of respect, the kisses even delegated the super-duper important task of lighting the first candle of the menorah to kathleen - which she somehow managed not to fuck up. i'm just saying - all those years of practice balancing a spoon full of heroin over a candle totally helped.

at first, mama kiss didn't want the doll to have anything to do with the kitchen. jimmy wasted no time in jumping at the chance to offer his hand - you know he was thinking about slipping some rat poison into the doll's share of latkes - but then mama kiss came to her senses and decided that she was going to front the 'jew the doll up' effort. mama kiss started school for the day by teaching kathleen how to cook all the great hanukkah foods. yeah, i don't know any either; and i also don't know why baby babble would ever want to hang around a hot kitchen all day long when she doesn't even eat in the to begin with! i know she's much rather be railing lines off of joey's naked body or whatever the hell she's into now - but it isn't food. anyways, mama kiss tried her best; she loves the doll and everything, but when it comes to knowing her way around the kitchen - she told kathleen to stick to what she does best, drugs, and leave the cooking to those who actually eat.

i think what did joey's girl in was when mama kiss graciously allowed her to make gefelte fish - when the dish was finished, kathleen complained that it looked like "gross dog shit," and that, no, she would not be trying any. real nice, doll!

so, the fence presumes that joey is introducing kathleen to his mother - as his father has since passed on to sing "maoz tzur" with trotsky in heaven  - because he wants to ask for her hand in marriage. well, baby babble had better get used to spinning the dreidel then. hopefully jimmy can handle it; if not, expect to see photographs of nooses and cyanide pills as his computer's desktop background for a while.

as least kathleen and joey's visit to upstate arcadia won't be a total bust; for, they've been making crispy green bills by loosening their lips - à la sodapop cola - on a popular daytime radio programme. they've pretty much been going on the air to bitch and moan over whatever stupid shit is going on in their lives that day. for example, yesterday, they went on a diatribe about how unfair it was that mama kiss made the couple sleep in separate bedrooms. somehow, the beautiful one managed to get shafted and ended up down in the dungeon-like basement with jimmy! that was probably a real thrill for her.

the doll also said that he was not a gentleman and snatched the only sleepaway sofa from her; as a consequence, she had to curl up on the floor. shit, i'm surprised that kathleen didn't stab him in his sleep as a consequence! jimmy ultimately got his - kathleen and joey brought their puppy, wingnut, along with them upstate and the pooch ended up using all of jimmy's effects as his personal toilet. whatever; if you ask me - mama doll can separate them until she's blue in the face, but you know that kathleen and joey were playing musical sleeping beds as soon as her light went out.

furthermore, kathleen told the radio show that on the first day she was there, she was sneaking mama kiss secret shots of whiskey in the kitchen when no one was looking. well, no wonder the gefelte fish looked like dog shit! wowie zowie; cute girl - but not so much in the brains department.

one of the best stories that the doll told by far, however, had to be about the letterman's jacket. now, the doll is really pushing the demented 90's cheerleader look, so she asked joey for a letterman's jacket this year. ironically, he - and jimmy as well - used to be on the basketball team and there was a jacket waiting for her in arcadia. the only problem was that joey's jacket had been damaged from all the years of being stuffed in the back of a closet, so he pulled jimmy's - which was in much better shape - out of storage instead, thinking that his brother wouldn't notice. oh, jimmy noticed.

the kicker came on one of the nights of hanukkah, when joey handed kathleen the letterman's jacket as a gift. okay, the two were supposed to have a touching moment and maybe leak out a couple of lovey dovey tears; but instead, big baby jimmy pitched a fit and ruined the mood for everyone. as soon as the beautiful one's big eyes lit up and the phrase, "oh, a letterman's jacket - just what i've always wanted, joey, thank you!" started to form at her lips, jimmy jumped up and squealed at the top of his lungs, "hey! what gives? that's mine!" and demanded that kathleen return it to him. it was kind of cute. everyone just looked at him like he was five years old again and someone else got the present that he really wanted. you know that about fifteen seconds later, jimmy folded his arms over his chest, threw everyone a quick mean mug, muttered "i hate hanukkah" and rescinded back to his dungeon to cry with no witnesses. after this, the adults went around the room and high-fived each other - but not before they broke out the alcohol from the locked liquor cabinet.

the end of letterman's jacket war came when mama kiss, told jimmy to go to his room until he could ask for forgiveness. when jimmy refused to join them for dinner and then breakfast and lunch the following day, mama kiss stomped down to the basement and demanded that he apologize - or else! jimmy eventually trudged upstairs with his tail between his legs; he sucked up his pride, batted his eyelashes and told kat that he was real, real sorry.................but that he still wanted his letterman's jacket back. LOL! what an asshole.

in hindsight, i foresaw a great many things to take place during the doll's holiday with the kiss family, but something has just come out of left field. yes, folks, we have a wildcard on our hands and his name is johnny kiss. he is the eldest kiss brother and will totally be kathleen's next victim if perchance she and joey work out about as well as she and jimmy did. according to sodapop - everyone's inside source - johnny is most rebellious of the kiss family. great! i'll bet he and baby babble got on like a house on fire. instead of mama kiss catching the kids smoking doobies in the garage, she probably caught doing things like using her fine silverware to cook heroin and smoking speed off of her good tinfoil.

in all, it was a good hanukkah. the kiss family plus one doll could have probably done without jimmy's antics, but that's life; and, if joey really does want to marry the million dollar brat, it's good to know that mama kiss loves her like she loves matzo balls. still, you have to give it up for joey being deluded enough to even entertain the idea of being betrothed to kathleen - kissing her must be like breathing in pure heroin smoke.

the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.