is joey going to make an honest woman out of kathleen?

the doll is affianced...................and to a kiss no less!

earlier this week, joey kiss was reported to have been seen shopping for engagement rings in arcadia - joey told those close to him that he feels kathleen is 'the one.' and now kathleen's camp has gone and confirmed the worst : the two are, in fact, engaged to one another. you know, i really doubt that the doll feels joey is 'the one.' she only feels that way about candy, cocaine, words and smoking doobies. though, and i hate to admit it, joey is my favorite out of all of her victims.

jimmy was too similar to her, maynard b. alberkraut was a bore - beau goodman was a creep and loyal was too young for her; joey, on the other hand, seems to have domesticated the once wild honeypie. i mean, don't get me wrong - she probably still hovers over dusty mirrors like there's no tomorrow, but at least she's happy! thus, joey kiss is much better; much better than jimmy, that is.

speaking of, after jimmy was seen browsing downtown for rings - alongside brothers, joey and johnny - he even went as far as to tell the press that he is 'over the moon' that the two are in love. he said that he's glad his loss could be someone's gain - even if it's his baby brother's. i'm not even kidding; he really did say that shit - although i'm 99% positive that he's lying. come on, jimmy collapses into a weeping puddle of sorrow anytime someone looks at him wrong and is merely a couple of pills away from flying off to the big heroin needle in the sky. you're not fooling me, jimmy! even though i didn't really want to, i've committed myself to not flipping him shit for a while; for, you just know he's on suicide watch now that his brother's engagement has been made official.

come to think of it, i feel like i've finally figured joey out; as suspected, he and jimmy are nearly as different as night and day. at first, i thought him to be a goody-goody like maynard, because he was shy in front of the camera lens. from the beginning, joey has been in the spotlight, his every move a methodical one; as if every day were another test to see if he could handle life with the doll. for example, during their third week of courtship, kathleen and joey were enjoying a normal night at the riot house - the doll was drunk, high, topless and talking to the side of a building - when flashers started giving baby babble grief for carrying on so cheaply. whereas jimmy would have smashed the photographer's flashbulbs in, stomped on their cameras and gotten arrested - joey handled it like a gentleman and, after smashing their flashbulbs in, snuck kathleen out the back entrance and took her home before police arrived. see? if that were a test, he passed with magical, flying unicorn colors. in another instance, kathleen wasn't feeling too hot and had been laid up in bed - a result of burning the candle at both ends, no doubt - joey brought her fresh flowers in bed. okay, to be fair, i'm sure jimmy might have gotten her flowers too; but he wouldn't have gone to a shop like a normal person or picked them himself - jimmy probably would have conjured up a bouquet out of a garbage bin in a dirty alley somewhere. yeah, the doll test - jimmy failed so badly and joey has already graduated with honors. seriously, after years and years of meticulously studying jimmy's every move and slowly creeping towards the doll, joey has done it!

in other doll news, sodapop cola of course had his own two cents to chip in about his sister's romantic revelation. he said, "joey's a great guy and all and i'm really, truly happy for the two of them, but i believe in my heart of hearts that she still loves jimmy. don't ask me why, but i just do." okay, soda, what are you trying to say? actually, i withdraw that question - soda, what do you know? no one even asked you anyways! why couldn't you have just cut out the bullshit and said, "i'm happy for the two of them," like a normal human being? don't be shocked when your invitation to the wedding of the century doesn't appear in your mailbox! kathleen should seriously add 'one-way ticket to another planet' to her wedding registry if she doesn't have the heart to tell her brother to lock up his loose lips from here on out - it's the only way.

in the end, the million dollar brat responded to sodapop's erroneous jests through the dailies and retorted, "well, i love my brother and all - but sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his goddamn mouth shut." well, maybe that will help him. jimmy scrambled for a little recognition and took it upon himself to respond - in doing so he made sodapop look like an absolute asshole - he said, "i don't know what sodapop is talking about. i couldn't be happier for my baby brother; and as far as kathleen is concerned, bygones are bygones." i know it's sick, but i was kind of hoping that jimmy would slip in, "oh and p.s. : one man's trash is another man's treasure" at the end there, but,  he kept it together for once. 

shiksa goddess kathleen meets mama kiss

and the rest of the kiss clan in upstate arcadia

the beautiful one is currently dating gentleman joey, who, unlike his big brother jimmy, practices judiasm. as a result, kathleen not only hosted traditional christmas parties, but is also going to learn all about hanukkah with the kiss family this year. now, i don't know what roofie joey slipped in his mommy's drink, but she is not only cool with the doll coming to hanukkah - she is actually a fan of the doll's work. you would think mama kiss would be the kind of mother to only refer to kathleen as 'that girl.' you would also think that she'd tell the shiksa sunshine kid to piss up a rope after breaking jimmy's heart, but he's probably the black sheep of the family. in a sign of respect, the kisses even delegated the super-duper important task of lighting the first candle of the menorah to kathleen - which she somehow managed not to fuck up. i'm just saying - all those years of practice balancing a spoon full of heroin over a candle totally helped.

at first, mama kiss didn't want the doll to have anything to do with the kitchen. jimmy wasted no time in jumping at the chance to offer his hand - you know he was thinking about slipping some rat poison into the doll's share of latkes - but then mama kiss came to her senses and decided that she was going to front the 'jew the doll up' effort. mama kiss started school for the day by teaching kathleen how to cook all the great hanukkah foods. yeah, i don't know any either; and i also don't know why baby babble would ever want to hang around a hot kitchen all day long when she doesn't even eat in the to begin with! i know she's much rather be railing lines off of joey's naked body or whatever the hell she's into now - but it isn't food. anyways, mama kiss tried her best; she loves the doll and everything, but when it comes to knowing her way around the kitchen - she told kathleen to stick to what she does best, drugs, and leave the cooking to those who actually eat.

i think what did joey's girl in was when mama kiss graciously allowed her to make gefelte fish - when the dish was finished, kathleen complained that it looked like "gross dog shit," and that, no, she would not be trying any. real nice, doll!

so, the fence presumes that joey is introducing kathleen to his mother - as his father has since passed on to sing "maoz tzur" with trotsky in heaven  - because he wants to ask for her hand in marriage. well, baby babble had better get used to spinning the dreidel then. hopefully jimmy can handle it; if not, expect to see photographs of nooses and cyanide pills as his computer's desktop background for a while.

as least kathleen and joey's visit to upstate arcadia won't be a total bust; for, they've been making crispy green bills by loosening their lips - à la sodapop cola - on a popular daytime radio programme. they've pretty much been going on the air to bitch and moan over whatever stupid shit is going on in their lives that day. for example, yesterday, they went on a diatribe about how unfair it was that mama kiss made the couple sleep in separate bedrooms. somehow, the beautiful one managed to get shafted and ended up down in the dungeon-like basement with jimmy! that was probably a real thrill for her.

the doll also said that he was not a gentleman and snatched the only sleepaway sofa from her; as a consequence, she had to curl up on the floor. shit, i'm surprised that kathleen didn't stab him in his sleep as a consequence! jimmy ultimately got his - kathleen and joey brought their puppy, wingnut, along with them upstate and the pooch ended up using all of jimmy's effects as his personal toilet. whatever; if you ask me - mama doll can separate them until she's blue in the face, but you know that kathleen and joey were playing musical sleeping beds as soon as her light went out.

furthermore, kathleen told the radio show that on the first day she was there, she was sneaking mama kiss secret shots of whiskey in the kitchen when no one was looking. well, no wonder the gefelte fish looked like dog shit! wowie zowie; cute girl - but not so much in the brains department.

one of the best stories that the doll told by far, however, had to be about the letterman's jacket. now, the doll is really pushing the demented 90's cheerleader look, so she asked joey for a letterman's jacket this year. ironically, he - and jimmy as well - used to be on the basketball team and there was a jacket waiting for her in arcadia. the only problem was that joey's jacket had been damaged from all the years of being stuffed in the back of a closet, so he pulled jimmy's - which was in much better shape - out of storage instead, thinking that his brother wouldn't notice. oh, jimmy noticed.

the kicker came on one of the nights of hanukkah, when joey handed kathleen the letterman's jacket as a gift. okay, the two were supposed to have a touching moment and maybe leak out a couple of lovey dovey tears; but instead, big baby jimmy pitched a fit and ruined the mood for everyone. as soon as the beautiful one's big eyes lit up and the phrase, "oh, a letterman's jacket - just what i've always wanted, joey, thank you!" started to form at her lips, jimmy jumped up and squealed at the top of his lungs, "hey! what gives? that's mine!" and demanded that kathleen return it to him. it was kind of cute. everyone just looked at him like he was five years old again and someone else got the present that he really wanted. you know that about fifteen seconds later, jimmy folded his arms over his chest, threw everyone a quick mean mug, muttered "i hate hanukkah" and rescinded back to his dungeon to cry with no witnesses. after this, the adults went around the room and high-fived each other - but not before they broke out the alcohol from the locked liquor cabinet.

the end of letterman's jacket war came when mama kiss, told jimmy to go to his room until he could ask for forgiveness. when jimmy refused to join them for dinner and then breakfast and lunch the following day, mama kiss stomped down to the basement and demanded that he apologize - or else! jimmy eventually trudged upstairs with his tail between his legs; he sucked up his pride, batted his eyelashes and told kat that he was real, real sorry.................but that he still wanted his letterman's jacket back. LOL! what an asshole.

in hindsight, i foresaw a great many things to take place during the doll's holiday with the kiss family, but something has just come out of left field. yes, folks, we have a wildcard on our hands and his name is johnny kiss. he is the eldest kiss brother and will totally be kathleen's next victim if perchance she and joey work out about as well as she and jimmy did. according to sodapop - everyone's inside source - johnny is most rebellious of the kiss family. great! i'll bet he and baby babble got on like a house on fire. instead of mama kiss catching the kids smoking doobies in the garage, she probably caught doing things like using her fine silverware to cook heroin and smoking speed off of her good tinfoil.

in all, it was a good hanukkah. the kiss family plus one doll could have probably done without jimmy's antics, but that's life; and, if joey really does want to marry the million dollar brat, it's good to know that mama kiss loves her like she loves matzo balls. still, you have to give it up for joey being deluded enough to even entertain the idea of being betrothed to kathleen - kissing her must be like breathing in pure heroin smoke.