i don't like jokes, so i don't find this very funny.....

the million dollar brat is expecting a brat of her very own

okay, i don't even know where to begin. my head has just barely stopped spinning from the news about kathleen and joey's sudden engagement and now the papers are reporting that the one and only doll has a bun in the oven. and no, reporters didn't squeeze the news out of sodapop for once - it was kathleen herself who proudly phoned the dailies' office early today to confirm the good news. still, it was to no avail - this morning's headlines rang like an obituary : ARCADIAN ROYALTY, KATHLEEN AND JOEY KISS, PLANNING SHOTGUN WEDDING. 

those sick dickheads! i mean, she gave them an inch and they took a mile. i don't know; if you ask me, this whole thing stinks like a sleazy, old-fashioned feat for publicity. think about it - the doll's new year's resolutions were to - you guessed it - do boatloads of cocaine this coming year! i guess she'll have to forget all about that now; because, being knocked up means giving up almost everything she lives for : chasing the dragon, guzzling 40s, jumping rope, taking fat rips off of a frosty bong, doing the twist to oldies music, taking whippets, smoking ciggies and slamming speedballs. well, sucks to be her! i'm going to do tons of speedballs out of my frosty bong while skipping rope and make her so jealous. so, before kathleen gets ahead of herself and enrolls in lamaze classes, she can go ahead and check herself into the nearest rehab - let's get the future best mother of this galaxy a little detoxification and she'll be good to go.

speaking of, also featured in today's paper was the backlash on the doll's baby broadcast. everybody and their dog tripped over themselves to get in the dailies and say something about it! joey said, "the word around the campfire is true - kathleen and i are as happy as a dog with two tails. we really only got the news ourselves, but we wanted to be the first to spill to the fence."

sodapop cola said, "i just can't wait to teach the little angel how to swear and flip people off." um....yeah, right, soda - more like teach the little angel how to dial the flashers to leak information at the drop of a dime.

headlock said, "i'm happy for the kids." from there he began to dribble on about how he wanted to be a part of the kiss family.....or something. he said, "i would love nothing more than to be front row throughout the kid's life.....i'll build the baby a soapbox car to race in, maybe be the one to give him his first beer and play catch with him in the yard - i'll be like grandpa headlock." um, earth to gramps - it's not 1934! there are no soapbox car races anymore! that shit hasn't been around for a long time. and, just how old is headlock going to be when kathleen and joey's baby is ready for their first beer? 316 years old? get your head out of the clouds, grandpa!

for the rest of the spread, reporters rounded up all of kathleen's old rent boys - even the stinky rat beau badman crawled out of the sewer to make a statement - and the lads each gave their own sincere response.

loyal said, "on behalf of the lost boys, we'd like to congratulate the happy couple and say that we all can't wait to corrupt the little lamb. also, the hell boys want me to say that shortly after the birth, your kid is going to be inducted as an honorary member of their gang. if there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask." gross - i wouldn't let those drooling, bandanna-donning punks anywhere near my kid, even with a blood test and hazmat suit.

maynard b. alberkraut opted for his classic role of sappy romantic and - aside from making it seem like he was still in love with kathleen - gushed, "despite her reputation, she was born to be a mother; and with joey, her child will not only be blessed with beauty, but brains as well. i wish for them nothing but the stars and hope that kathleen's pregnancy goes smoothly." okay, i can totally see joey throwing the doll a 'really?' look the entire time he read maynard's contribution - i know that i did."

beau, in-between wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and taking fat slugs out of a flask, followed maynard's suit and targeted the doll in his statement. beau said, "got any heroin?" no, i'm kidding. he said, "wowie zowie, doll, i never thought i'd see the day where you were with child. i'll bet that you end up having the toughest baby in the whole wide world - in fact, i hope you do. i'm glad that someone could make you happy - lord knows i tried." sadly, that actually wasn't a joke - beau is pretty deluded. the former fling of kathleen's wrapped up his soapbox set on a lighter note, with, "i hope your old man - they tell me his name is joey - continues to do good by you. if he doesn't, you know that you can always call me." LOL @ that nonsense! i'm sure the doll would sooner gargle battery acid.

lastly, jimmy kiss - joey's older brother - kept from sobbing and through gritted teeth, remarked, "congratulations to them both - i'll bet joey will be a great father and i just know i'm going to have to spoil the hell out of that brat. l'chaim!" well, give him all the candies and toys that you want, but keep him away from the blow! if the child truly is of doll descent, one dance with the white lady would surely be one dances too many!

baby babble got the last laugh and said, "i've been knocked up all of fifteen minutes and aliens vacationing on saturn's rings have already sent their congratulations. mind your own goddamn business or i'll sic joey on you." then, she added, "and did i hallucinate or did beau goodman actually address me? i thought he was dead already...." okay, kathleen didn't say the last part, but i'm sure that she wanted to. she really should have - for her baby's sake.

in other doll news, her puppy dog - wingnut - made the morning news when he slithered underneath the kiss cradle gates at four this morning and began scampering down lisbon drive. one of the beautiful one's candid photographers - on a stakeout for pregnancy snapshots - spotted the pup. he rang the telephone number listed on wingnut's tag - kathleen answered, mumbled inaudibly for a moment and, before slamming the receiver down, screamed "go fuck yourself!" naturally, the flasher's next call was to the local arcadian television station. wingnut roamed around the stage set for most of the morning, until kathleen phoned in and began bitching out the television anchors for kidnapping her dog! without even so much as a warning, the doll barged onto the scene as the news was airing live and demanded the return of her beloved puppy. there has never been a soul that said no to the million dollar brat and lived to tell the story, so wingnut was placed back in the loving arms of his master.

kathleen made her grand exit off of the programme, following a dig at the kisses' offspring - the lead news lady kidded, "let's hope, for your sake, that your seed is smarter than wingnut and stays inside the gates." the doll smashed a tray of coffee cups and called the anchorwoman a, "cunt who lives on asshole avenue in loserland." then, baby babble kicked up her ballet slippers and stormed out of the station; but not before she flipped off the cameras, still recording live. that's my girl!

is joey going to make an honest woman out of kathleen?

the doll is affianced...................and to a kiss no less!

earlier this week, joey kiss was reported to have been seen shopping for engagement rings in arcadia - joey told those close to him that he feels kathleen is 'the one.' and now kathleen's camp has gone and confirmed the worst : the two are, in fact, engaged to one another. you know, i really doubt that the doll feels joey is 'the one.' she only feels that way about candy, cocaine, words and smoking doobies. though, and i hate to admit it, joey is my favorite out of all of her victims.

jimmy was too similar to her, maynard b. alberkraut was a bore - beau goodman was a creep and loyal was too young for her; joey, on the other hand, seems to have domesticated the once wild honeypie. i mean, don't get me wrong - she probably still hovers over dusty mirrors like there's no tomorrow, but at least she's happy! thus, joey kiss is much better; much better than jimmy, that is.

speaking of, after jimmy was seen browsing downtown for rings - alongside brothers, joey and johnny - he even went as far as to tell the press that he is 'over the moon' that the two are in love. he said that he's glad his loss could be someone's gain - even if it's his baby brother's. i'm not even kidding; he really did say that shit - although i'm 99% positive that he's lying. come on, jimmy collapses into a weeping puddle of sorrow anytime someone looks at him wrong and is merely a couple of pills away from flying off to the big heroin needle in the sky. you're not fooling me, jimmy! even though i didn't really want to, i've committed myself to not flipping him shit for a while; for, you just know he's on suicide watch now that his brother's engagement has been made official.

come to think of it, i feel like i've finally figured joey out; as suspected, he and jimmy are nearly as different as night and day. at first, i thought him to be a goody-goody like maynard, because he was shy in front of the camera lens. from the beginning, joey has been in the spotlight, his every move a methodical one; as if every day were another test to see if he could handle life with the doll. for example, during their third week of courtship, kathleen and joey were enjoying a normal night at the riot house - the doll was drunk, high, topless and talking to the side of a building - when flashers started giving baby babble grief for carrying on so cheaply. whereas jimmy would have smashed the photographer's flashbulbs in, stomped on their cameras and gotten arrested - joey handled it like a gentleman and, after smashing their flashbulbs in, snuck kathleen out the back entrance and took her home before police arrived. see? if that were a test, he passed with magical, flying unicorn colors. in another instance, kathleen wasn't feeling too hot and had been laid up in bed - a result of burning the candle at both ends, no doubt - joey brought her fresh flowers in bed. okay, to be fair, i'm sure jimmy might have gotten her flowers too; but he wouldn't have gone to a shop like a normal person or picked them himself - jimmy probably would have conjured up a bouquet out of a garbage bin in a dirty alley somewhere. yeah, the doll test - jimmy failed so badly and joey has already graduated with honors. seriously, after years and years of meticulously studying jimmy's every move and slowly creeping towards the doll, joey has done it!

in other doll news, sodapop cola of course had his own two cents to chip in about his sister's romantic revelation. he said, "joey's a great guy and all and i'm really, truly happy for the two of them, but i believe in my heart of hearts that she still loves jimmy. don't ask me why, but i just do." okay, soda, what are you trying to say? actually, i withdraw that question - soda, what do you know? no one even asked you anyways! why couldn't you have just cut out the bullshit and said, "i'm happy for the two of them," like a normal human being? don't be shocked when your invitation to the wedding of the century doesn't appear in your mailbox! kathleen should seriously add 'one-way ticket to another planet' to her wedding registry if she doesn't have the heart to tell her brother to lock up his loose lips from here on out - it's the only way.

in the end, the million dollar brat responded to sodapop's erroneous jests through the dailies and retorted, "well, i love my brother and all - but sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his goddamn mouth shut." well, maybe that will help him. jimmy scrambled for a little recognition and took it upon himself to respond - in doing so he made sodapop look like an absolute asshole - he said, "i don't know what sodapop is talking about. i couldn't be happier for my baby brother; and as far as kathleen is concerned, bygones are bygones." i know it's sick, but i was kind of hoping that jimmy would slip in, "oh and p.s. : one man's trash is another man's treasure" at the end there, but,  he kept it together for once. 

the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

HEP! premieres; hailed as - you guessed it - award winning material

HEP! : because the eight-balls don't buy themselves, baby

the million dollar brat has only been mourning trotsky's untimely death for less than a week and her cold-blooded company has already demanded that she return to work!

sadly, HEP! was supposed to start gracing the silver screens only a day after the news of trotsky's death broke. without delay, wild honeypie cancelled the event and didn't even issue an apology; then, she went and had the first edition of the pretty people club - featuring the piece "the million dollar brat" - pulled off of the shelves, because it is damaging to the memory of trotsky or some bullshit. in short, the article included him downing drugs at the doll buffet. yet, her camp at hep parade  finally said, "we're not asking - we're telling," and then they told kathleen to get her ass back to work!

so, the premiere of HEP! took place tonight at cosmic charlie's cosmic disco because the riot house has been under strong police surveillance - and critics have already floated the moving picture as a nominee for several moving picture awards. the film has also garnished four and a half stars out o the possible five - but who's counting?

there was a small party held before the event and all the pretty people were in attendance. katty cakes managed to get the reclusive and notorious motorcycle gang, the hell boys, to come out and play for the opening night. they probably heard their mating call of black tar heroin crackling on tinfoil and the clinks of whiskey bottles and came a-runnin'.

no, sodapop cracked the dead bolt on his loose lips and opened up to the fence; soda said that his sister's people did it because, um, well, kathleen's been a goddamn stage sixteen mess ever since trotsky croaked. those close to her say that the doll's worse than ever - she has been secluded in her 10050 love shack home since the news hit and takes mostly to her bed. mates say that she has her drug dealers coming in and out of the house at all hours; consequentially, headlock phoned up the hell boys and asked them to come watch over the property.

"it's been really nutty," sodapop told photographers, "the fence's presence is pretty heavy. we've only had the TV on once - we looked out the window and saw ourselves look out the window through the television." furthermore - and on more than one occasion, too - the doll has been so far gone, that she spaced locking her house and gates; friends fear that something unfortunate could be in the works if she doesn't watch it.

the lost boys were there too, stinking up the place with a stench similar to a high school football team's dirty gym socks. yet even with all of those familiar faces beaming back at her from the audience, kathleen fled long before the movie was finished. those in attendance say that she couldn't bring herself to sit through the entire movie, as it pretty much features trotsky in every scene. joey was seen later escorting the doll home. well, at least she got to toast the memory of her dearly departed friend before she left - she held a champagne tribute before the movie commenced and said, "this is for you, trotsky - i wish you could be here with us tonight, but that's cool. save me a spot in rock 'n' roll heaven and i'll be there before you know it." okay that was a little dark - even for her. after giving her self-eulogy, kathleen downed her drink and one and then jetted out the door.

in other doll news, the riot house was re-opened last night and every single room was taken out of vacancy within a matter of hours. and i mean every room - there was even a point in the night where people were even asking if they could rent out portions of the rose gardens to set up tents like some kind of goddamn gypsy camp! those requests were denied, naturally, as the gardens are still off limits to guests, due to the recent loss of trotsky.

speaking of, trotsky's cause of death has been ruled accidental - and, yes, he was taking drugs at the time of his worldly departure. lots and lots of drugs. trotsky's system almost puts the doll to shame. his chemical analysis revealed lethal levels of cocaine and morphine - known as kathleen's breakfast or a 'speedball' on the streets - as well as codeine, barbiturates and other various prescription drugs. the police are investigating the matter as the barbiturates - commonly referred as 'barbies' - were prescribed to kathleen. the fuzz have ruled, though, that his death was unintentional and will not be continuing their investigation.

now, i've been cutting baby babble some slack because she's in mourning, but i have to say something : kathleen sure seems like she wants to join trotsky in dancing on all the tables in heaven; i mean, she showed up to the HEP! premiere looking like you could find her sleeping with the alley cats and pawing at fish skeletons. basically, she looked like last year - bug eyes, runny nose; with scratches and bruises scattered throughout her arms. cigarette at hand, drink in tow and disgusting ballet slippers on her feet - here we go again! and so soon, doll?

katty cakes is a stage five wreck at cosmic charlie's outer space costume ball

celebrates "free candy day" early and with lots of class, ass and grass

kathleen took joey as her plus one to cosmic charlie's cosmic disco for a halloween party and really made me proud - she was naked all over the place, loaded and, at one point, was sitting up on the roof throwing water balloons at the fence. she must have either been drunk and stoned - or on a serious sugar high.

.....but this isn't what has people talking. her plummeting goddamn weight is what has people worried!

now, in her defense, she eats! she eats all the time. the other say i saw her hog down a whole eight-ball lemonade ice lolly, a handful of popcorn and then, she binged and had three pieces of bubblegum to herself. she's a total pig, i'm telling you. let's be real though, people dream of having a body like like the beautiful one's - willowy and sleek, like an unlit matchstick.

dressed for the ball, her costume was...um, i don't know what. i think she started out as a gothic 90's cheerleader and, by the end of the night, was, um, a half-naked gothic 90's cheerleader. joey played it safe as a greaser, which was very touching in its own respect - he even dyed his peroxide-blonde-wannabe-loyal locks back to classic kiss brown for the event. trotsky and ludo were too cool to wear costumes, as were the lost boys; except for loyal - who dressed as a ghost, opting for the time-honored design of a white sheet with holes cut out for the eyes and mouth. you know he only did it to hide his face from shame - and to hide the tears streaming down his faces when he saw the gothic cheerleader and the greaser dirty dancing on the like it was nobody's business!

kathleen tried really, really hard to be good, but the doll got the best of her and it wasn't long before she was up to her usual shit. the trouble all started when some mates clambered to the roof of the club to smoke a cigarette and finish their drinks without the bother of the party below. once the flashers realized this and started snapping away, kathleen called down to trotsky and told him to run to the nearest shop. she demanded he buy some water balloons, fill them up and bring them up to her. trotsky responded with, "yes, your majesty," and within twenty minutes he was back, balloons at hand. the sunshine kid and company began launching the goods at the fence, causing them to disperse. shortly after this, kathleen came down from the roof, got naked and began running around the cosmic disco. eventually, she was threatened to be kicked out by security, after she lit up her three-hundredth doobie of the night.

that's cute, but no one tells wild honeypie what to do! she stomped outside with her arms crossed, told the flashers that she was getting out of the "square ball" as fast as her ballet slippers could carry her and that she was appalled people could be so "heartless", especially so close to "free candy day," of all days! like she's anyone to talk - she has a 'for rent' sign where her heart used to be. nevertheless, the greaser and the half-naked gothic cheerleader tossed photographers the middle finger, clambered in the back of the gravedigger and went back to the 10050 where they belong.

baby babble is all bones and ratted hair at the cosmic charlie's opening

cielo now has another spot that kathleen can go and get hammered at - say hello to rudy rubideaux's cosmic charlie's cosmic disco!

people have been talking about how svelte the beautiful one's frame has become over the past several weeks since the freak fest and she didn't really help that talk by going out scantily-clad tonight. i mean, you can now count virtually every bone in her body. she would be the ideal living skeleton for junior high science classes everywhere. just have the lost boys strum that "skeleton bones" song, while kathleen dances around and sings to it, simultaneously identifying the corresponding bones and they'll be making the big bucks in no time. i'd definitely pay to see a show like that!

anyways, she attended the opening because it's her mate, rudy rubideaux's joint and he invited her. he even told her that she could give a champagne toast and i'm sure he now wishes he hadn't. for, in the middle of her toast, she went off on a tangent about how rudy's launch was good, but hers would be better - a portent of things to come. way to steal the thunder, doll! the world still revolves around you, last time i checked.

the best part of the night was when rudy asked for the guests to be seated, as dinner would be coming out shortly. kathleen sat still for about fifteen seconds, which was long enough to tell the maître d' that she wouldn't be eating, but that he could bring her another drink as soon as possible. she kept excusing herself so much, that guests said rudy finally shamed her in front of everyone for being such an obvious cokehead. LOL, he probably said, "come on, eat with us - it's not going to kill you, you know?" wrong! food to the doll is worse than poison. she takes drugs and candy for nutrition.

and, i'm sad to report that loyal's bandanna of filth made an unsightly return to the doll's throat. kathleen took time to address the people wondering as to if she had dumped joey; baby babble said that she brought loyal as her date since joey is out of town on business.
i'm going to cut this short, because in other news, jimmy is at the top of the tallest building in town, threatening to jump! come on, not time to waste - let's go put some china white on the sidewalk to see if we can talk him into coming down!

two kisses too many!

one of them has got to go - my money's on jimmy!

jimmy's younger brother joey is fresh off the train from arcadia to cielo and all bets are off, seeing as how kathleen has had a crush on him since time began. good! i hope the two fall madly, truly, deeply in love with each other and jimmy cracks under the pressure. maybe he'll finally make good on that suicide threat.

now, according to hep parade magazine, jimmy is currently living with the happy couple at the 10050 love shack. all the doll has to do is slip a, "it's been real and it's been fun, but it ain't been real fun," under his pillow on the sleeper sofa and he's a goner for sure!

but on a more grave note, there must be something going on between the doll and joey, because she even took loyal's grungy bandanna off her neck and put it up on the gravedigger's rear-vision mirror. hopefully someone finds it there and throws it in the garbage where it truly belongs. i think i've discovered what direction her look is going in next, though : 90's gothic cheerleader.

today, she donned a black lace top, lavender schoolgirl skirt and a spike dog collar around her ankle. people in the streets were actualy running in the opposite direction to get away from her. and, sadly, joey and trotsky are seemingly following the trend - the two were both wearing matching jean jackets. say it ain't so!

now, believe it or not, but the front pages think that joey is in town to help jimmy move on with his life. the dailies have reported that the two are prepared to go into business for themselves. they should go into the drug-dealing business; i'm sure they'd be just tip-top at that. instead, the brothers kiss are planning on launching a magazine. jimmy wants to take photographs and joey wants to scout out the talent to feature.

they're forgetting one key element to a periodical, however, and have kept quiet on hiring a staff of writers. i'm not surprised - i doubt neither jimmy nor joey knows how to spell. if this shit really does happen, it's most certainly going to be the worst magazine in the history of magazines. the pages will be made out of old foilies and pieces of garbage and the columns will probably be written in blood. give up now, kisses!

in closing, joey may be swell and all, but if he and the doll become an item, i'm walking. she needs to learn - kat + kiss = star-crossed.

kathleen to fans : "if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck"

more like : if it ain't cokey babble, it ain't kathleen

i'd advise you to take off your belt, wrap it tight 'round your arm and get your vein ready - it's time to slam some words of wisdom from the doll.

Q: So just how did you break up with Jimmy Kiss? He still seems pretty heartbroken.
A: i told him LOOK KISS, IT'S BEEN REAL AND IT'S BEEN FUN - BUT IT AIN'T BEEN REAL FUN

Q: Just how many people have you slept with?
A: THIS QUESTION HAS NO WRONG ANSWER

Q: What do you miss most about Jimmy Kiss?
A: HIS GROWL

Q: I saw Heidi Gretchen Alberkraut and Loyal locked in conversation last night at the Riot House. He was feeding her drinks all night and she had her hand on his thigh. Later on, I saw them again, flirting in the smoking area. Your thoughts?
A: they totally banged that night

Q: Just saying - I would pray if I were you.
A: okay, i'll start right now - GOD OF ATOM, GOD OF THINE' ALL THE WORLD OF POWER IS MINE

Q: Have you ever been to jail before? I mean, besides the drunk tank.
A: LURK MORE - the drunk tank is my kind of tank

Q: I read that you were once jailed for publically beating Jimmy Kiss in the street. Any truth in that?
A: NONE - it was trotsky; we were high on mushrooms and went streaking down lookout mountain

Q: How long will it take you to learn that drugs are bad?
A: i don't understand

Q: What a great role model you are - taking heroin and talking about Satan. There will be a special place reserved in hell for you.
A: this planet doesn't deserve me - HELL NEEDS ME

Q: You've been in the spotlight for years...do you even have any friends left?
A: HEROIN IS DOPE

Q: My friends tell me that you'll fuck on the first date - I've got some warm booze and a joint waiting for you in the backseat of my car with your name on it.
A: FUNNY - what kind of car you drive?

Q: I drive a 90's import.
A: SEE YOU @ 9 BABE

Q: Leather jackets or jean jackets?
A: DUH, jean

Q: You are such a stupid little girl...how does it feel to be just another average Cielo airhead?
A: KISS U KNOW I'M ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: I hope you enjoy your time with Loyal...you know he's just going to get while the getting's good when it's his time - don't take it personally! Honestly, we're all waiting for the day you realize it was a mistake to leave Jimmy and go crawling back to him.
A: ROFL - the day i go crawling back to kiss is the day is have a tag on my toe

Q: Are you still relevant?
A: well, i have three unanswered bags of mail so...U TELL ME SMARTGUY

Q: What do I have to do to hang out with you?
A: BLOW..........and lots of it

Q: Do you miss the Gravedigger?
A: LIKE IT WAS MY RIGHT TIT - cruising around on the back of loyal's motorbike doesn't quite cut it

Q: Do you actually live on Lonesome Lane?
A: I NEVER TELL A LIE - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DOLL ON THE PLANET, 10050 LONESOME LANE, CIELO

Q: What is your idea of a good time?
A: jacking the heat in my house up to 73 degrees and running around with no clothes on

Q: What's the story with HEP!?
A: there is no story - it's a moving picture. THE ANTI-STORY

Q: Correct me if I am wrong, but Trotsky is gay, right?
A: trotsky is so much more than that

Q: Johnny Frigiletti - who is he?
A: he was trotsky's rent boy - now ludo ludovic is - and does everything media-related for the camp. he survived the 312 bloodbath and went on to finish DIG! by his lonesome and is currently working on HEP!

Q: Jimmy Kiss, Beau Goodman, Maynard B. Alberkraut and Loyal the Lost Boy - what have you learned?
A: if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck

Q: What happened to the Doll we once knew and loved?
A: i don't know how to tell you this, but she's long gone - BOX CITY SWEETHEART

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: black - like my heart

Q: Do you ever answer questions seriously or is it just that you never get any serious questions?
A: well, that all depends - R U BEING SRS?

Q: Which Kiss brother do you think is cuter - Jimmy or Joey?
A: JOHNNY

Q: I've been seeing Joey Kiss roaming around Cielo lately; does this mean you finally moved him into the Love Shack?
A: yes but don't tell his big brother - JIMMY WILL TAKE TWO SHITS AND DIE

Q: Can we bang? Like no joke - dead up.
A: SURPRISE ME

Q: I would die if I met you! The first time I saw you, you were topless and flipping off a crowd of people. Then you sort of passed out on the stairs on your way down.
A: TYPICAL DOLL

that's my girl! topless one second and unconscious the next.

kathleen piledrives her cherished gravedigger into the riot house

in a series of sad and totally predictable events, the doll crashed her beloved black townhearse, affectionately nicknamed 'the gravedigger,' into the front foyer of the riot house last night, also sending her french grand piano to the great cocktail lounge in the sky.

she had just finished logging some considerable hours in the bar, which is located in the basement of the hotel. around one in the morning, kathleen, acting sneaky like a snake, snuck the keys from headlock's pocket and then headed off with mates to spacecruise around cielo and laugh about what a tool headlock is. or, as rocko j. nasty calls him, "headcock."

witnesses, also known as the flashers, said that they saw her drive around the blow a couple of times, race down the wrong side of the road and, after hopping a curb, crashed into the riot house. forget that! i say the riot house crashed into her.

the front pages were the first to allege that maybe, oh, i don't know, the doll was dancing on a cloud of heroin smoke or skiing down a mountain of blow when all of this went down - maybe both - but i'm not sold. there are plenty of explanations for this :

1.) she was trying to run jimmy kiss over

2.) she was trying to run beau badman over

3.) it was a futile suicide attempt

4.) the wheel slipped away from her

5.) she doesn't know how to park

6.) she thought trotsky was driving

7.) she didn't know that she couldn't do that

everyone knows that her license has pretty much been suspended since the day she got it - but the cops are forgiving her, on account of all the grief she is getting over the freak fest. the chief of police, and i kid you not, said that they were going to clear all charges, because, "she has enough on her plate." she has nothing on her plate and everyone knows it!

the freak fest : day three

day three sees bonfires, riots and the shit hitting the fan

if you thought that the lost boys getting slashed up on the second night was bad - think again! it would seem that looting, violence and fires have marked the end of the first - and probably only - freak fest, with kathleen and her mates most likely to take the blame.

this is the last, but not least, lineup for sunday, july 15;

east stage
12:15 - 1:15 PM : the fungus amongus
1:30 - 2:30 PM : the flying fucks
2:45 - 4:00 PM : the filth
4:20 - 5:45 PM : the fury
6:00 - 7:50 PM : the freakshows
8:15 - 9:50 PM : the flowers of evil, with kathleen on tambourine

west stage
1 - 2 PM : over the moon
2:20 - 3:30 PM : pottymouths
3:40 - 4:55 PM : questionmasters
5:35 - 6:30 PM : road to ruin
6:40 - 7:40 PM : space cadet
8:00 - 9:00 PM : tabula rasa
9:15 - 10:15 PM : unicornholes

things, for the most part, went okay during yesterday's afternoon performances - but, during the final hours of the concert, mayhem escalated as the appropriately named flowers of evil played, along with kathleen on tambourine. blue-haired bassist, biggles, mate to the doll, decided to perform stark naked, as did kathleen. it would appear that birthday suits were a trend, as kathleen posed for a photograph with a nude rocko j. nasty behind the curtain, before gracing the east stage in only an american flag. she quickly ditched it to reveal her bare body, to the screams of horror and excitement of the crowd below.

in the afternoon, long before the flowers of evil played, a group of peace promoters distributed candles, intending for a vigil to be held at the end of the show, alongside a fireworks display. naturally, most of them were used to start bonfires. the hundreds of empty plastic water bottles that littered the area were used as fuel, as well as pieces of 'the freak wall,' a gigantic, sweeping mural that was acting as a purportedly inviolable security perimeter fence. it was constructed by the pretty people and painted by joey kiss - it extends over three miles long, is twelve feet high and stretches around the entire site. it took over two months to paint, with nearly two hundred people lending their hand to joey. he also painted the east and west stage with bright psychedelic imagery - a sky complete with neon stars and planets, rainbow spaceships; a unicorn morphing into a dove - which sits in ruins now.

many large bonfires had been burning for some time before the band left the stage for an emergency broadcast to be made. kathleen, who had been acting as the announcer, interrupted the concert to say, "okay kiddos, as you can see if you look behind you, we have a bit of a problem." everyone turned to see the nine or ten out-of-control fires dotting the field. "the promoters want me to tell you to get away from the fires so that the brigade can put them out. i don't give much of a shit myself, really, but they won't put the music back on until those fires are out, so cool it!"

when the flowers of evil were finally allowed to take the stage again, they played another song before kathleen and biggles stole the microphone away to call the audiences' attention to a rather important matter plaguing the festival since it began;

kathleen: "hey, you kids - just because the girls out there want to feel free and take their tops off doesn't mean a bunch of you have to grab her tits!"

biggles: "yeah, they're her tits! leave those tits alone. tits are a girl's personal private property and they're a beautiful thing, so keep your grubby paws off you filthy animals!"

kathleen: "of course, if you all weren't so grabby, they might all take their tops off - did you ever think of that? let's just be nice to one another out there."

biggles: "that's right - be nice to the tits, keep your paws off."

kathleen: "and that's another thing - i've been noticing that a lot of girls, coming over to the top here are having every single part of them felt up. do any of you know what i mean? and i think, that just because a girl wants to go in the pit and go crowd surfing - that doesn't give you creeps a right to molest them. so, if you're a guy out there and you see a girl passing overhead - give her a break, will you? and if you're a girl out there and you see a guy passing overhead, i want you to grab his balls and give them a yank!"

biggles: "yeah, that's right doll! make it so they can't handle their little schmekeles anymore!"

LOL @ schmekeles.

they played a few more songs and then ended with a punk rock 'n' roll rendition of "goodnite, sweetheart, goodnite," instead of the song they were supposed to play. biggles then lit the american flag, which kathleen had hung on the amps, on fire. consequently, their show sent the kids over the edge. the flowers of evil and kathleen disappeared offstage and this is when the trouble began.

it wasn't long the doll started jonesing for the mic and came back to rile the freaks. she said things like, "i'm not the devil, but i'm here to do his bidding." she and the boys also got the crowd to chant, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need to water, let the motherfucker burn." she was doing all sorts of bad shit.

kathleen stayed on the east stage as long as she could, provoking the people, before jumping off to go cause some trouble on the grounds.

once the police charged in, the freaks began throwing hoisted fireworks and makeshift molotov cocktails at the fuzz. the people, rather than surrendering themselves to the cops, gathered into a tight formation and began to antagonize the battalion of officers by chanting such things as, "shoot, shoot!" and, "kill, kill!"

an audio tower was then set ablaze - remaining tents, booths and trailers full of merchandise were robbed, destroyed and used as gasoline. the angry, severely dehydrated, sleep-deprived, drugged-out, drunken concertgoers, unchallenged, grew bolder. they tipped over and successfully set several police cars on fire. according to witness reports, the police soon then charged into the pulsating sea of people and began to beat and arrest both those fighting and those not. they were incredibly edgy and struck people with batons before unpleasing tear gas onto the violent crowds. festival goers were not fazed and continues to knock over towers, burned booths and pelted police with bottles, rocks and batteries.

after about five hours, the riot was over : six policeman were dead, twenty-eight injured; twelve civilians had been shot, over a hundred were arrested and an unknown number injured. the remains of twelve trailers full of merchandise nearby the east stage continued to smolder well into this morning. a line of more than a hundred troopers' cruises formed a barrier between the concert area and the adjacent campgrounds. the doll's farm included horses, lambs, pigs and chickens - people gave animals drugs, set them free and as a result, most either ran away or were killed. patrons of the festival also camped in, subsequently ruined and then set on fire two of three alfalfa fields. large amounts of tear gas was used and at least twice, police ran squad cars full speed into crowds. wow sounds like your typical doll party. glad i wasn't there to get drugged, raped and tear-gassed.

the freak fest : day two

day two sees mud pits, water hoses and rotten punks razored

the lead singer and other members of the controversial lost boys group were ambushed by a razor and knife-wielding gang backstage last night, after they wrapped their set. sodapop cola couldn't help himself and made a quick statement to the fence - he said that the boys were jumped by the notoriously nasty motorcycle gang, the hell boys.

after a half an hour wait in the medical tent, it was announced that none of the injuries sustained were lethal, but they were all serious. the boys received stitches in assorted locations; rocko suffered from deep facial cuts, loyal had received blows to the head and was mildly concussed and eddie spaghetti bruised a couple ribs. there are fears that the attack was part of a backlash against the lost boys and other dangerous trainhopping gangs, but i wouldn't be surprised if it was just a pissed off concert-goer! imagine this : you shell out £269 for a three-day ticket, only to find that the food and drink prices are outrageous and because of this, everyone is stealing from everyone - not to mention the overcrowding, sweltering heat and insufficient toilets - i'm surprised people aren't roosting! for example, today, after a forty-five minute wait in line, attendees decided to break apart the main pipes that provide water, to douse the rest of those suffering in the middle of the line - this in turn caused the creation of large mud pits.

the medical tents were packed, following an afternoon of crowd violence from the stirred-up freaks. you have the loudmouths and injustice to thank for that - the bands were encouraging kids to be as bad and mean as they possibly could. they taunted festival-goers with such things as, "let's see how many of you can get naked by the end of this song!" and, "this is the freak fest, come on - do something stupid!" it worked and there were many injuries. the unruliness began again when the lost boys took the stage at half-ten - crowds were stirred with their dark and dirty live show; their lionized, illuminated cross pulsing in the dark night.

on a more positive note, there weren't as many complaints about the heat yesterday - kathleen sent workers into town to purchase hoses for which to spray the exhausted audience with. there have been some reports of looting and at least three drug arrests, but the doll's people affirm, "that's to be expected." you know, these promoters aren't the brightest bulbs - there's about seven hundred thousand more kids than there are suits at this festival - if the people rebel, it doesn't really matter who you are.

with that being said, here's the lineup for yesterday, july 14 :

east stage
1:00 - 2:15 PM : the little darlings
2:30 - 4:15 PM : the loudmouths
4:25 PM - 5:25 PM : the liver-spots
5:45 PM - 7:15 PM : the lovelies
7:30 - 8:45 PM : the likely lads
9:05 - 10:05 PM : the lollygaggers
10:30 PM - 12:00 AM : the lost boys

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : hoes on tour
2:05 - 3:20 PM : injustice
3:40 - 4:40 PM : jiggy with it
5 - 6 PM : kraut
6:20 - 7:35 PM : loud ones
7:55 - 9:10 : mellow yellow
9:30 - 10:45 PM : nightcrawlers

in all, the worst part of today came when the lost boys say their measly lives flash in front of their eyes. the best part of today? during a brief press conference, headlock told the flashers (who have been banned from the event) that, "kathleen misbehaved on the first night and it really broke my heart. she was throwing her knife at people and threatened to impale one of the kids from the gorkholes. i had to take the knife off her backstage." you know, whoever thought it would be a good idea to host a festival and invite a bunch of flower children and lost boys and freaks and pretty people and junkies and gypsies and bikies and punks was totally right on the money. this shit couldn't get any worse!

this is the best photograph of jimmy kiss....ever

jimmy kiss, the wet mop

jimmy kiss isn't getting the hint. ever since the doll dumped his ass for loyal, she asked him to kindly pack up and leave...only he won't pack up and leave. today, headlock had to put his things out on the curb of kathleen's 10050 lonesome lane home. then, when jimmy realized what was up, he casually tried to slink off to the riot house, where he was then casually denied room and board. he thinks he's slick!

there was no confirmation, however, as to if jimmy used the line, "don't you know who i am?" too bad, he should have tried it. riot house staff could have then responded, "yes, we do! and that's the problem." then again, they could have also said, "no, we don't! and that's the way it's staying." shit, why not try them both?

speaking of flophouses, kathleen might be joining jimmy soon - word on the street has it that kathleen is as broke as a joke. and no, it's not going up her nose - insiders say that she's footing the bill for the freak fest and hasn't an extra penny to her name. if you ask me, that's a crock of shit. she's got partners and backers just like everybody else. for, if it comes down to the doll choosing between her festival or her foilies - foilies wins every time.

oh yeah loyal, get some of that pancake butt

as so cryptically revealed in this week's hep parade magazine, as well as other highly accredited sources, we now know the reason why kathleen is not getting freaky with jimmy kiss anymore - it's because she's getting freaky with loyal the lost boy!

the lost boys, according to street legend, are a pack of young, greasy trainhopping punks who roam the streets in search of the wayward american dream. they busk for their dope dinner, possess only the clothes on their backs and if you believe the word around the campfire, they are here for the doll. she gave them a regular gig at the riot house every tuesday. there are rumors flying around that they will help her and the pretty people create a festival to take place sometime during this summer.

now, even though jimmy has moved all of his worldly belongings - two trilbies, a pair of black denim jeans and his most-cherished dinger - back into the love shack, that does not mean she's still his baby babble. she proved that last night after she let loyal get to second base. hey, she's not sharing needles with jimmy anymore - she's a free agent.

the best part of the night came at the riot house nightclub - flashers have been pressuring the doll all week to come clean about her relationship with loyal. she must be tired of all the bullying, because she took the opportunity to say, "well, he did give me his knife - since the piggies took mine away," and then she pulled her knife out from the sheath on her hip. you know none of those photographers were the least bit scared; kathleen's had them knocking on death's door more times than few.

and, that knife isn't the only thing he gave her - someone forgot to mention the addition of one filthy, stinking bandanna to her wardrobe, which she proudly decided to sport last night like some sort of cute necklace, when it was anything but. hopefully she decides to retire this look soon, or else...

the fanmail answers itself nowadays

you've got to hang it to the doll's fans - if they didn't support her, who would? no one, that's who!

and hopefully, for her sake, they can continue to support her, because the beautiful one doesn't have much to do this summer. DIG! was set to premiere in the fall, but kathleen purposely pushed it to the summertime to clear her schedule; ☺ has been put on hold until further notice. other than bothering the riot house staff and answering fanmail, the doll has nothing but time on her hands. speaking of fanmail.....time to suffer!

Q: Missed me, missed me, now you've got to...?
A: MY MOM AND YOUR MOM WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES

Q: I read somewhere that you and Jimmy were secretly married. Is that for real?
A: snot true!!!

Q: Do you use coupons?
A: ROFL

Q: Have you ever done something completely disgusting, just because someone paid you? (Note : heroin doesn't count!)
A: if heroin doesn't count - I DON'T WANNA PLAY

Q: Do you charge admission to your house parties?
A: ....SUCKERS!

Q: No, really. If I come to Cielo, I want to see 10050 Lonesome Lane.
A: that costs money too

Q: Who do you love?
A: i love the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Q: I read once that, during the writing of ☺, you suffered from insomnia. What's the truth in this?
A: I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE

Q: Have you ever had team sex?
A: what's team sex? I'LL WIN.

Q: When you drive, do you drive the speed limit?
A: LIMITS ARE 4 SQUARES

Q: Paranoid?
A: COYOTE

Q: You worried?
A: the doll, worry? IDGAF

Q: Which of Jimmy's features do you like most?
A: BUTT - next question

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: first, cielo - THEN, THE WORLD

Q: If I wanted to take you out for hamburgers - sans the tomatoes - would you let me?
A: i never eat.....HAMBURGERS

Q: This question is for Jimmy Kiss : When you finally leave that eyesore Kat, do you think she'll become a harpy? I do.
A: WHY I OUGHTA - harpy? really? JIMMY'S THE HARPY

Q: Are you happy with your life?
A: i'm happy with death

Q: Wow, I was reading Hep Parade the other day and I saw that you have a copy of the Satanic Bible in your Riot House bungalow. Never figured you for a Devil-worshipper.
A: SATAN'S MY #1 FAN - 666!!!

Q: Beau Goodman, Marynard B. Alberkraut or Jimmy Kiss?
A: beau is garbage, maynard is green - jimmy's the still point of my turning world

Q: Isn't Beau dead?
A: worse - HEMMED UP

Q: Did you break up with Maynard because he doesn't like to party?
A: KRAUT PARTIES LIKE IT'S 1999 - he takes a whiskey sour at the riot house when i'm nice enough to give him drink tickets

Q: Okay - then what is it? Did he not put out?
A: PASS

Q: Sodapop likes to talk about you in the papers like there's no tomorrow - what's one of his dirty little secrets?
A: mother and father used to call him "the mistake" - one time they put him in the oven with the gas on as a young child

Q: God loves you.
A: cod? what cod do you speak of? THERE IS NO COD.

Q: Who is this Loyal character I keep hearing about?
A: LOYAL IS THE DUKE OF PUKE

Q: I don't get it - are the Lost Boys greasers, or are they punks?
A: GREASY PUNKS

Q: What is the Coston Fox?
A: the coston fox is your friend. he lurks nearby lonesome lane, but on coston - THE COSTON FOX LOVES CIELO

Q: You have it so easy - some would kill to be in your shoes.
A: ROFL - some have tried to kill to be in these shoes

Q: Why would anyone, in their right mind, drive all the way up Lonesome Lane?
A: to see the doll of course! JUST GO2 THE END OF THE LANE!

Q: Trotsky seems like the little brother of the 10050 - does he have a nickname?
A: Baby Bear

all i have to say is - harpy.

the beautiful one goes to nutball land

accidentally stabs mate on the way there

it was kathleen who put in a frantic telephone call to cielo police last night, informing officers that they needed to send an ambulance straightaway, after she stabbed her mate "on accident." yet, today, she laughed the fence off and told them that, "the knife slipped away from me."

her friend, real name unknown - nickname 'loyal' - recently began working at the riot house, thanks to kat, as a bartender. he also runs with the greasy underground rough-and-tumble gang, the lost boys. the lost boys are in town to work with the doll - they currently have a gig every tuesday night at the riot house.

now, loyal was invited to the 10050 love shack last night for the free blow and a "small get-together between close friends," but ended up being kathleen's latest victim! don't worry, though - loyal won't be pressing charges anytime soon; for, this morning, fresh from the hospital, with his arm draped around the doll's shoulders - he asked the timeless question, "how could you be mad with a girl so beautiful?"

so, the story supposedly goes, kathleen had a few too many speedballs - just kidding - it was too many whiskey sours and she was fooling around with her knife, when loyal gives her the go-ahead to "playfully" stab him. bad move, loyal. clearly he wanted to die.

moving right along - kathleen stabs him. she told the fuzz that she didn't cut him deep and she made sure that she got him in the side, "the safest place to knife someone." earth to doll, there is no safe place to knife someone! i know you have major experience with knives, but i didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - you're not fooling me.

naturally, loyal had his own knife and the pair continued their dangerous game for about twenty minutes or so. the doll stopped to take a break and headed to the main house for a drink - this is when guests found him on the lawn, in a pool of blood, completely unconscious. and this is why i never go to any of her parties! coke and knives - sounds like a blast. NOT!

all i have to say is - where was headlock during all of this? he used to drag kat's ass out of the bar by her hair and flush her blow down the john if she gave him any lip. nowadays, whenever she fucks up - he's nowhere in sight! or he basically tells the papers that he saw it coming. total bullshit, right?

like today, he told the front pages that, "she's had that knife for a long time - longer than i can remember. she used to carry it in a sheath on her hip. the first night i worked for her, she pulled it out and was playing with it in front of me. she asked, 'does this make you nervous?' she's tried to stab people more times than i can count on my fingers, so, honestly, this comes as no big surprise to me." see? totally sold her out on a dime.