the doll makes a futile attempt to kill headlock

joey buys her motorbike as early christmas gift; she nearly maims headlock with it

a couple of weeks ago, while the doll and her young kiss were on holiday in grimaldi, joey came across a vintage motorcycle being peddled by a real live greaser and knew that he just had to buy it for baby babble. when joey called and had it rerouted to their new easy street hills home in arcadia, it ended up arriving earlier than expected; so, joey decided to let kathleen open it early. i think we all know where this is going...............

within moments of turning the key to 'on,' she had totaled the bike - with headlock riding bitch. a frantic joey rushed the two to hospital. kathleen is fine - she'll probably outlive us all - but headlock broke his left arm, wrist and cracked a rip as well. while she was talking to doctors, she confessed that she hadn't eaten all day long, took some quaaludes and guzzled a couple of drinks before the crash, sure, but she wasn't tipsy. um, only a couple drinks? come on, doll, don't kid yourself! try a couple bottles. and quaaludes? where did you manage those from? a time capsule from 1974? she also told headlock that he should have known that he was driving her to drink.....and drive.......

her brother told the papers that, not to worry, baby babble's camp had already sent for ludo ludovic - trotsky's old rent-boy - to replace grandpa headlock until he feels better. they also contracted out the help of a specialist to repair kathleen's broken motorbike. okay, can someone please give me a good reason as to why in the fuck are they fixing the 'cycle back up? that thing is a deathtrap and if the million dollar brat isn't careful, she'll be the next asshole walking into hospital with a broken arm - or worse.

speaking of which, i'll bet headlock wishes that day would come sooner rather than later - because katty cakes was a straight up bitch to him while he was hurting. the doll said that she was seconds away from demanding a prescription-strength bullet in the head and ending it all, since headlock wouldn't shut the fuck up! she said that he was in so much pain and crying like such a skirt that is was "tear-jerking to see him in such a state." and by that, kathleen of course means that she thought long and hard about suffocating him with one of the hospital's flatter-than-cardboard pillows. i say, in her defense, she's a writer - not a nurse. caring about people isn't part of her gig.

hopefully, for her sake, while the doll was in hospital she asked for a quick vitamin transfusion - because she is beginning to look a little on the ratty side yet again. on the other hand, it could be for the reason that the million dollar morphine brat conned the doctors out of a couple of narcotic pain injections for her on the low-low. sodapop joked to the press that is made his sister so loopy, she started dancing in the hallway of the emergency room until she fell down and passed out for a little disco nap. to that i say - damn! kathleen needs to get me the street name of that shit.

katty cakes is a stage five wreck at cosmic charlie's outer space costume ball

celebrates "free candy day" early and with lots of class, ass and grass

kathleen took joey as her plus one to cosmic charlie's cosmic disco for a halloween party and really made me proud - she was naked all over the place, loaded and, at one point, was sitting up on the roof throwing water balloons at the fence. she must have either been drunk and stoned - or on a serious sugar high.

.....but this isn't what has people talking. her plummeting goddamn weight is what has people worried!

now, in her defense, she eats! she eats all the time. the other say i saw her hog down a whole eight-ball lemonade ice lolly, a handful of popcorn and then, she binged and had three pieces of bubblegum to herself. she's a total pig, i'm telling you. let's be real though, people dream of having a body like like the beautiful one's - willowy and sleek, like an unlit matchstick.

dressed for the ball, her costume was...um, i don't know what. i think she started out as a gothic 90's cheerleader and, by the end of the night, was, um, a half-naked gothic 90's cheerleader. joey played it safe as a greaser, which was very touching in its own respect - he even dyed his peroxide-blonde-wannabe-loyal locks back to classic kiss brown for the event. trotsky and ludo were too cool to wear costumes, as were the lost boys; except for loyal - who dressed as a ghost, opting for the time-honored design of a white sheet with holes cut out for the eyes and mouth. you know he only did it to hide his face from shame - and to hide the tears streaming down his faces when he saw the gothic cheerleader and the greaser dirty dancing on the like it was nobody's business!

kathleen tried really, really hard to be good, but the doll got the best of her and it wasn't long before she was up to her usual shit. the trouble all started when some mates clambered to the roof of the club to smoke a cigarette and finish their drinks without the bother of the party below. once the flashers realized this and started snapping away, kathleen called down to trotsky and told him to run to the nearest shop. she demanded he buy some water balloons, fill them up and bring them up to her. trotsky responded with, "yes, your majesty," and within twenty minutes he was back, balloons at hand. the sunshine kid and company began launching the goods at the fence, causing them to disperse. shortly after this, kathleen came down from the roof, got naked and began running around the cosmic disco. eventually, she was threatened to be kicked out by security, after she lit up her three-hundredth doobie of the night.

that's cute, but no one tells wild honeypie what to do! she stomped outside with her arms crossed, told the flashers that she was getting out of the "square ball" as fast as her ballet slippers could carry her and that she was appalled people could be so "heartless", especially so close to "free candy day," of all days! like she's anyone to talk - she has a 'for rent' sign where her heart used to be. nevertheless, the greaser and the half-naked gothic cheerleader tossed photographers the middle finger, clambered in the back of the gravedigger and went back to the 10050 where they belong.

baby babble is all bones and ratted hair at the cosmic charlie's opening

cielo now has another spot that kathleen can go and get hammered at - say hello to rudy rubideaux's cosmic charlie's cosmic disco!

people have been talking about how svelte the beautiful one's frame has become over the past several weeks since the freak fest and she didn't really help that talk by going out scantily-clad tonight. i mean, you can now count virtually every bone in her body. she would be the ideal living skeleton for junior high science classes everywhere. just have the lost boys strum that "skeleton bones" song, while kathleen dances around and sings to it, simultaneously identifying the corresponding bones and they'll be making the big bucks in no time. i'd definitely pay to see a show like that!

anyways, she attended the opening because it's her mate, rudy rubideaux's joint and he invited her. he even told her that she could give a champagne toast and i'm sure he now wishes he hadn't. for, in the middle of her toast, she went off on a tangent about how rudy's launch was good, but hers would be better - a portent of things to come. way to steal the thunder, doll! the world still revolves around you, last time i checked.

the best part of the night was when rudy asked for the guests to be seated, as dinner would be coming out shortly. kathleen sat still for about fifteen seconds, which was long enough to tell the maître d' that she wouldn't be eating, but that he could bring her another drink as soon as possible. she kept excusing herself so much, that guests said rudy finally shamed her in front of everyone for being such an obvious cokehead. LOL, he probably said, "come on, eat with us - it's not going to kill you, you know?" wrong! food to the doll is worse than poison. she takes drugs and candy for nutrition.

and, i'm sad to report that loyal's bandanna of filth made an unsightly return to the doll's throat. kathleen took time to address the people wondering as to if she had dumped joey; baby babble said that she brought loyal as her date since joey is out of town on business.
i'm going to cut this short, because in other news, jimmy is at the top of the tallest building in town, threatening to jump! come on, not time to waste - let's go put some china white on the sidewalk to see if we can talk him into coming down!

the beautiful one slashes herself up

not even innocent house windows are safe from the wrath of kat!

kathleen was hospitalized at half-three this morning after she cut her wrists and forearms trying to open a window at her cielo manor. the 10050 is a much older haunt, so when she went to slide the window up, 'it shattered under her force.' okay, first of all, what is it with her and glass? it's like anytime she comes into contact with something that can get broken, it does get broken. secondly, the doll operates on photosynthesis for her "strength," let's not kid ourselves.

trotsky had to drive her in the recently renovated gravedigger to hospital, as, needless to say, headlock and jolly roger were too busy holding hands somewhere else. kathleen sustained ample cuts and received a handful of stitches. i'm sure she also talked the doctors out of some pain meds too. either that or she had trotsky kipe some.

the doll was released back into the streets at around five in the morning. before she headed back to the 10050 for a quick disco nap, she hit up - yes, you guessed it - the bar! trotsky made a quick detour to the riot house for about forty-five minutes, the beautiful one leaving with drink in tow. i'll be she's going to have a super duper day. when she got back home, she shared some of her good mood with the press. when the flashers quipped, "ouch, doll, those cuts sure look like they hurt," kathleen retorted, "i love pain."

now, she can tell everbody that she was trying to open a window all she wants, but i know she was trying to off herself. let's be honest - she's beyond overdosing and this whole affair reeks of suicide attempt gone awry. quick! someone get her some xanax and an upbeat tempo, stat!

in other baby babble news, i am happy to report that she finally sobered up and ditched that nasty bandanna. at last! she must have returned it to the homeless, meandering drunk transient she obtained it from in the first place. i'm so proud of you - welcome back, doll.

the doll wants to run away to the big rock of nose candy mountains

she needs 'hab like there is no tomorrow

you already know what this is about, for whenever kathleen starts going on her drug-free tour - it means she's everything but clean.

the front pages reported today that 'those close to' baby babble have come forward in an effort to help rehabilitate her from drugs and alcohol. they told the papers that she started doing blow again at the freak fest; mates fear that the doll's habit will get worse, and she'll go spiraling off the deep end.

please. the day kathleen stops doing drugs is the day all the dealers' hearts in the world stop beating. this will never happen. also, everyone knows baby babble dines on a breakfast of crack rock cereal with whiskey milk, heroin and cocain speedball sandwiches for lunch and a casserole made out of foilies, broken glass, crushed-up klonopins, fentanly strips and 40s for dinner - she has been for ages and won't quit until the fat lady sings. let's just give her some air and let her snort lines until her heart is content. i don't care what the front pages say - she likes the drugs and the drugs like her back! i guess the cat's out of the bag. she's high! she's high all of the time. she'd have to be, anyways, to wear that gross, crack smoke-stained bandanna.

the best part was when one of the sources said that when he pleaded with kathleen to go to a rehabilitation centre, she punched him in the nose and ran away. okay, you know that was maynard b. 'kraut! you just know it.

he added that she had trotsky hooked on 'dope' now - after injecting him with heroin for the first time. he also said he witnessed her shoot up other people, including one time, where the doll 'injected a young girl as she lie unconscious on on her kitchen floor.' say what? well, i guess if you grab a lethargic person by the hair and shake their head up and down, they just said, "yes, please slam me full of drugs."

the dailies did point out, though, something truly disturbing. they noted that essentially every time the beautiful one is strung out, she does the same shit! like, that filthy bandanna has replaced last year's nasty ballet slippers; loyal is the new jimmy kiss and cielo is like arcadia - only with far better speed. kathleen still eats candy, but i'm sure she'll continue to do that until her teeth rot out of her skull. trust.

kathleen piledrives her cherished gravedigger into the riot house

in a series of sad and totally predictable events, the doll crashed her beloved black townhearse, affectionately nicknamed 'the gravedigger,' into the front foyer of the riot house last night, also sending her french grand piano to the great cocktail lounge in the sky.

she had just finished logging some considerable hours in the bar, which is located in the basement of the hotel. around one in the morning, kathleen, acting sneaky like a snake, snuck the keys from headlock's pocket and then headed off with mates to spacecruise around cielo and laugh about what a tool headlock is. or, as rocko j. nasty calls him, "headcock."

witnesses, also known as the flashers, said that they saw her drive around the blow a couple of times, race down the wrong side of the road and, after hopping a curb, crashed into the riot house. forget that! i say the riot house crashed into her.

the front pages were the first to allege that maybe, oh, i don't know, the doll was dancing on a cloud of heroin smoke or skiing down a mountain of blow when all of this went down - maybe both - but i'm not sold. there are plenty of explanations for this :

1.) she was trying to run jimmy kiss over

2.) she was trying to run beau badman over

3.) it was a futile suicide attempt

4.) the wheel slipped away from her

5.) she doesn't know how to park

6.) she thought trotsky was driving

7.) she didn't know that she couldn't do that

everyone knows that her license has pretty much been suspended since the day she got it - but the cops are forgiving her, on account of all the grief she is getting over the freak fest. the chief of police, and i kid you not, said that they were going to clear all charges, because, "she has enough on her plate." she has nothing on her plate and everyone knows it!

the freak fest : day three

day three sees bonfires, riots and the shit hitting the fan

if you thought that the lost boys getting slashed up on the second night was bad - think again! it would seem that looting, violence and fires have marked the end of the first - and probably only - freak fest, with kathleen and her mates most likely to take the blame.

this is the last, but not least, lineup for sunday, july 15;

east stage
12:15 - 1:15 PM : the fungus amongus
1:30 - 2:30 PM : the flying fucks
2:45 - 4:00 PM : the filth
4:20 - 5:45 PM : the fury
6:00 - 7:50 PM : the freakshows
8:15 - 9:50 PM : the flowers of evil, with kathleen on tambourine

west stage
1 - 2 PM : over the moon
2:20 - 3:30 PM : pottymouths
3:40 - 4:55 PM : questionmasters
5:35 - 6:30 PM : road to ruin
6:40 - 7:40 PM : space cadet
8:00 - 9:00 PM : tabula rasa
9:15 - 10:15 PM : unicornholes

things, for the most part, went okay during yesterday's afternoon performances - but, during the final hours of the concert, mayhem escalated as the appropriately named flowers of evil played, along with kathleen on tambourine. blue-haired bassist, biggles, mate to the doll, decided to perform stark naked, as did kathleen. it would appear that birthday suits were a trend, as kathleen posed for a photograph with a nude rocko j. nasty behind the curtain, before gracing the east stage in only an american flag. she quickly ditched it to reveal her bare body, to the screams of horror and excitement of the crowd below.

in the afternoon, long before the flowers of evil played, a group of peace promoters distributed candles, intending for a vigil to be held at the end of the show, alongside a fireworks display. naturally, most of them were used to start bonfires. the hundreds of empty plastic water bottles that littered the area were used as fuel, as well as pieces of 'the freak wall,' a gigantic, sweeping mural that was acting as a purportedly inviolable security perimeter fence. it was constructed by the pretty people and painted by joey kiss - it extends over three miles long, is twelve feet high and stretches around the entire site. it took over two months to paint, with nearly two hundred people lending their hand to joey. he also painted the east and west stage with bright psychedelic imagery - a sky complete with neon stars and planets, rainbow spaceships; a unicorn morphing into a dove - which sits in ruins now.

many large bonfires had been burning for some time before the band left the stage for an emergency broadcast to be made. kathleen, who had been acting as the announcer, interrupted the concert to say, "okay kiddos, as you can see if you look behind you, we have a bit of a problem." everyone turned to see the nine or ten out-of-control fires dotting the field. "the promoters want me to tell you to get away from the fires so that the brigade can put them out. i don't give much of a shit myself, really, but they won't put the music back on until those fires are out, so cool it!"

when the flowers of evil were finally allowed to take the stage again, they played another song before kathleen and biggles stole the microphone away to call the audiences' attention to a rather important matter plaguing the festival since it began;

kathleen: "hey, you kids - just because the girls out there want to feel free and take their tops off doesn't mean a bunch of you have to grab her tits!"

biggles: "yeah, they're her tits! leave those tits alone. tits are a girl's personal private property and they're a beautiful thing, so keep your grubby paws off you filthy animals!"

kathleen: "of course, if you all weren't so grabby, they might all take their tops off - did you ever think of that? let's just be nice to one another out there."

biggles: "that's right - be nice to the tits, keep your paws off."

kathleen: "and that's another thing - i've been noticing that a lot of girls, coming over to the top here are having every single part of them felt up. do any of you know what i mean? and i think, that just because a girl wants to go in the pit and go crowd surfing - that doesn't give you creeps a right to molest them. so, if you're a guy out there and you see a girl passing overhead - give her a break, will you? and if you're a girl out there and you see a guy passing overhead, i want you to grab his balls and give them a yank!"

biggles: "yeah, that's right doll! make it so they can't handle their little schmekeles anymore!"

LOL @ schmekeles.

they played a few more songs and then ended with a punk rock 'n' roll rendition of "goodnite, sweetheart, goodnite," instead of the song they were supposed to play. biggles then lit the american flag, which kathleen had hung on the amps, on fire. consequently, their show sent the kids over the edge. the flowers of evil and kathleen disappeared offstage and this is when the trouble began.

it wasn't long the doll started jonesing for the mic and came back to rile the freaks. she said things like, "i'm not the devil, but i'm here to do his bidding." she and the boys also got the crowd to chant, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need to water, let the motherfucker burn." she was doing all sorts of bad shit.

kathleen stayed on the east stage as long as she could, provoking the people, before jumping off to go cause some trouble on the grounds.

once the police charged in, the freaks began throwing hoisted fireworks and makeshift molotov cocktails at the fuzz. the people, rather than surrendering themselves to the cops, gathered into a tight formation and began to antagonize the battalion of officers by chanting such things as, "shoot, shoot!" and, "kill, kill!"

an audio tower was then set ablaze - remaining tents, booths and trailers full of merchandise were robbed, destroyed and used as gasoline. the angry, severely dehydrated, sleep-deprived, drugged-out, drunken concertgoers, unchallenged, grew bolder. they tipped over and successfully set several police cars on fire. according to witness reports, the police soon then charged into the pulsating sea of people and began to beat and arrest both those fighting and those not. they were incredibly edgy and struck people with batons before unpleasing tear gas onto the violent crowds. festival goers were not fazed and continues to knock over towers, burned booths and pelted police with bottles, rocks and batteries.

after about five hours, the riot was over : six policeman were dead, twenty-eight injured; twelve civilians had been shot, over a hundred were arrested and an unknown number injured. the remains of twelve trailers full of merchandise nearby the east stage continued to smolder well into this morning. a line of more than a hundred troopers' cruises formed a barrier between the concert area and the adjacent campgrounds. the doll's farm included horses, lambs, pigs and chickens - people gave animals drugs, set them free and as a result, most either ran away or were killed. patrons of the festival also camped in, subsequently ruined and then set on fire two of three alfalfa fields. large amounts of tear gas was used and at least twice, police ran squad cars full speed into crowds. wow sounds like your typical doll party. glad i wasn't there to get drugged, raped and tear-gassed.

the freak fest : day two

day two sees mud pits, water hoses and rotten punks razored

the lead singer and other members of the controversial lost boys group were ambushed by a razor and knife-wielding gang backstage last night, after they wrapped their set. sodapop cola couldn't help himself and made a quick statement to the fence - he said that the boys were jumped by the notoriously nasty motorcycle gang, the hell boys.

after a half an hour wait in the medical tent, it was announced that none of the injuries sustained were lethal, but they were all serious. the boys received stitches in assorted locations; rocko suffered from deep facial cuts, loyal had received blows to the head and was mildly concussed and eddie spaghetti bruised a couple ribs. there are fears that the attack was part of a backlash against the lost boys and other dangerous trainhopping gangs, but i wouldn't be surprised if it was just a pissed off concert-goer! imagine this : you shell out £269 for a three-day ticket, only to find that the food and drink prices are outrageous and because of this, everyone is stealing from everyone - not to mention the overcrowding, sweltering heat and insufficient toilets - i'm surprised people aren't roosting! for example, today, after a forty-five minute wait in line, attendees decided to break apart the main pipes that provide water, to douse the rest of those suffering in the middle of the line - this in turn caused the creation of large mud pits.

the medical tents were packed, following an afternoon of crowd violence from the stirred-up freaks. you have the loudmouths and injustice to thank for that - the bands were encouraging kids to be as bad and mean as they possibly could. they taunted festival-goers with such things as, "let's see how many of you can get naked by the end of this song!" and, "this is the freak fest, come on - do something stupid!" it worked and there were many injuries. the unruliness began again when the lost boys took the stage at half-ten - crowds were stirred with their dark and dirty live show; their lionized, illuminated cross pulsing in the dark night.

on a more positive note, there weren't as many complaints about the heat yesterday - kathleen sent workers into town to purchase hoses for which to spray the exhausted audience with. there have been some reports of looting and at least three drug arrests, but the doll's people affirm, "that's to be expected." you know, these promoters aren't the brightest bulbs - there's about seven hundred thousand more kids than there are suits at this festival - if the people rebel, it doesn't really matter who you are.

with that being said, here's the lineup for yesterday, july 14 :

east stage
1:00 - 2:15 PM : the little darlings
2:30 - 4:15 PM : the loudmouths
4:25 PM - 5:25 PM : the liver-spots
5:45 PM - 7:15 PM : the lovelies
7:30 - 8:45 PM : the likely lads
9:05 - 10:05 PM : the lollygaggers
10:30 PM - 12:00 AM : the lost boys

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : hoes on tour
2:05 - 3:20 PM : injustice
3:40 - 4:40 PM : jiggy with it
5 - 6 PM : kraut
6:20 - 7:35 PM : loud ones
7:55 - 9:10 : mellow yellow
9:30 - 10:45 PM : nightcrawlers

in all, the worst part of today came when the lost boys say their measly lives flash in front of their eyes. the best part of today? during a brief press conference, headlock told the flashers (who have been banned from the event) that, "kathleen misbehaved on the first night and it really broke my heart. she was throwing her knife at people and threatened to impale one of the kids from the gorkholes. i had to take the knife off her backstage." you know, whoever thought it would be a good idea to host a festival and invite a bunch of flower children and lost boys and freaks and pretty people and junkies and gypsies and bikies and punks was totally right on the money. this shit couldn't get any worse!

the freak fest : day one

day one sees "alotta freaks," heavy traffic, and a high of 103°

upon her arrival in monitcello yesterday, the doll was going around telling anyone who would listen; "you know, i read in the newspapers that the state thruway is closed - isn't that far out? that's alotta freaks!"

 sure, sure doll - whatever you say. you're a freak, i'm a freak - we're all freaks.

now, i would love nothing more than to be able to sit her and report that the first night went horribly; it didn't. apart from a few drunk and unruly fans, it went off without a hitch.

with gridlock traffic controlling all main highways entering the festival site, most of the first-billed acts were not able to make it on time. after some clever rescheduling by kathleen and headlock, the music continued on and bands were flown in by helicopter.

beginning promptly at noon and ending early this morning, the lineup for yesterday, july 13, is as follows :

east stage
12:00 - 2:00 PM : the cigarette pack
2:40 - 4:00 PM : the crayola kids
4:30 - 6:00 PM : the coppertone babies
6:40 - 8;10 PM : the coolcats
8:30 - 9:10 PM : the coffin nails
9:20 - 10:20 PM :the chemical kids
10:40 PM - 1:10 AM : katty cakes
1:10 AM - 10:00 AM : the creepy-crawlies

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : artful dodgers
2:05 - 3:05 PM : bear claw
3:25 - 4:00 PM : capricorn
4:30 - 5:35 PM : dinger
5:55 - 6:55 PM : eagle claw
7:15 - 8:15 PM : frumptydumpties
8:35 PM - 10:05 PM : gorkholes

after the chemical kids finished on the east stage, kathleen took to spinning the wheels of steel until around one in the morning - she then handed it off to legendary house duo, the creepy-crawlies and the music continued until well past dawn. the kids, still going strong, must have been hopped up on drugs and were clearly not feeling the effects of a long day in the sun. good far them. during the doll's set, she spun everything from neo-psychedelic rock to old-time folk tunes; heavy metal, golden oldies and house electro. she played on the east stage, which is decorated with bright, technicolor pop art - complete with cartoon rainbows, clouds and a full day setting on the outside; the interior is painted to be a night sky, with clusters of motley stars and a man in the moon mural. upon taking the wild stage, she brought out a pint and guzzled it in one gulp to the croons of adoring fans below.

the beautiful one did have to stop at one point, though, to yell at one of the technician boys setting up a haughty balloon-and-confetti bomb that was going to explode at the end of her act, because he was stepping on the cords and screwing up the music. the doll wailed, "hey! knock that shit off! they don't like it when you step on their mics! you wanna watch the show from below, pal?"

then, there was an inebriated fan who started to cause trouble within the audience, so the doll tried to distract him - "this next song is called, "love," and it's about, well, love." when he didn't respond to her catch-flies-with-honey routine, she brought ou the vinegar and screamed, "hey! i'm gonna have the bikies beat you up if you don't know it off and scram!"

and, although the doll played last night, she is also the official announcer of the concert and could be heard throughout the day making intermittent announcements. she was behind the microphone for everything, from introducing the tibetan monks - who delivered a goodwill prayer to bring positive vibes and good karma to all - to the good night sign-off, where she read horoscopes from that day's newspaper.

she also gave her daily dose of good advice, when she told the crowd, "hey, if any of you kids out there have a gun in your hand, or under your bed or in your jockeybox or stashed away somewhere secret - go get it and throw it in the nearest trash can. use your brains." knives are cool though.

hopefully her demand is met, because there have been reports of unrest in the crowd. some think that £5 for a bottle of water, £12 for a single slice of pizza and a maximum of only two beers allowed to be purchased at a time - for a steep £15 - it a little ridiculous. well, fuck those cheap bitches! also, the distance from the camping grounds to the stage is 3/4 of a mile - the walk from the east stage to the west stage is a good 30 minutes, so, as a result, most fans are remaining at the larger and more popular east stage, where more of the headlining acts are performing. medical facilities are worried that heat, combined with dehydration and lack of sleep is going to be a problem - not to mention the mosh pits and the drugs and all the other wild things going on.

still, i'm sure everything will be fine....oh, who am i kidding? the freak fest is going to turn into nutball land, just you wait.

the fanmail answers itself nowadays

you've got to hang it to the doll's fans - if they didn't support her, who would? no one, that's who!

and hopefully, for her sake, they can continue to support her, because the beautiful one doesn't have much to do this summer. DIG! was set to premiere in the fall, but kathleen purposely pushed it to the summertime to clear her schedule; ☺ has been put on hold until further notice. other than bothering the riot house staff and answering fanmail, the doll has nothing but time on her hands. speaking of fanmail.....time to suffer!

Q: Missed me, missed me, now you've got to...?
A: MY MOM AND YOUR MOM WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES

Q: I read somewhere that you and Jimmy were secretly married. Is that for real?
A: snot true!!!

Q: Do you use coupons?
A: ROFL

Q: Have you ever done something completely disgusting, just because someone paid you? (Note : heroin doesn't count!)
A: if heroin doesn't count - I DON'T WANNA PLAY

Q: Do you charge admission to your house parties?
A: ....SUCKERS!

Q: No, really. If I come to Cielo, I want to see 10050 Lonesome Lane.
A: that costs money too

Q: Who do you love?
A: i love the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Q: I read once that, during the writing of ☺, you suffered from insomnia. What's the truth in this?
A: I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE

Q: Have you ever had team sex?
A: what's team sex? I'LL WIN.

Q: When you drive, do you drive the speed limit?
A: LIMITS ARE 4 SQUARES

Q: Paranoid?
A: COYOTE

Q: You worried?
A: the doll, worry? IDGAF

Q: Which of Jimmy's features do you like most?
A: BUTT - next question

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: first, cielo - THEN, THE WORLD

Q: If I wanted to take you out for hamburgers - sans the tomatoes - would you let me?
A: i never eat.....HAMBURGERS

Q: This question is for Jimmy Kiss : When you finally leave that eyesore Kat, do you think she'll become a harpy? I do.
A: WHY I OUGHTA - harpy? really? JIMMY'S THE HARPY

Q: Are you happy with your life?
A: i'm happy with death

Q: Wow, I was reading Hep Parade the other day and I saw that you have a copy of the Satanic Bible in your Riot House bungalow. Never figured you for a Devil-worshipper.
A: SATAN'S MY #1 FAN - 666!!!

Q: Beau Goodman, Marynard B. Alberkraut or Jimmy Kiss?
A: beau is garbage, maynard is green - jimmy's the still point of my turning world

Q: Isn't Beau dead?
A: worse - HEMMED UP

Q: Did you break up with Maynard because he doesn't like to party?
A: KRAUT PARTIES LIKE IT'S 1999 - he takes a whiskey sour at the riot house when i'm nice enough to give him drink tickets

Q: Okay - then what is it? Did he not put out?
A: PASS

Q: Sodapop likes to talk about you in the papers like there's no tomorrow - what's one of his dirty little secrets?
A: mother and father used to call him "the mistake" - one time they put him in the oven with the gas on as a young child

Q: God loves you.
A: cod? what cod do you speak of? THERE IS NO COD.

Q: Who is this Loyal character I keep hearing about?
A: LOYAL IS THE DUKE OF PUKE

Q: I don't get it - are the Lost Boys greasers, or are they punks?
A: GREASY PUNKS

Q: What is the Coston Fox?
A: the coston fox is your friend. he lurks nearby lonesome lane, but on coston - THE COSTON FOX LOVES CIELO

Q: You have it so easy - some would kill to be in your shoes.
A: ROFL - some have tried to kill to be in these shoes

Q: Why would anyone, in their right mind, drive all the way up Lonesome Lane?
A: to see the doll of course! JUST GO2 THE END OF THE LANE!

Q: Trotsky seems like the little brother of the 10050 - does he have a nickname?
A: Baby Bear

all i have to say is - harpy.

the doll : "jimmy, who?"

baby babble takes it off for maynard's birthday in hep parade

he was thrown a lavish party last week in cielo - kathleen jumped naked out of a cake - but i juess 'kraut has a birthday that never ends, because a spread featuring a scantily-clad doll ran today in hep parade and jimmy is not feeling it.

luckily, kiss didn't have to whistle for any flashers to come to his corner - they were already there. outside of the doll's lonesome lane home, photographers asked her if she thinks the spread will 'hurt jimmy's feelings,' and kathleen responded with, "jimmy, who?" kiss was last seen with tears streaming down his face. oh well. jimmy should know by now that there's not a black heart like the black, black heart of the black-hearted doll named kat.

outside of the flophouse, where he's been staying since kathleen told him, 'see you - wouldn't want to be you!' - kiss said inbetween sniffles, "i'll see her in hell." well, once the doll finally gets around to writing and releasing ☺, she can go straight to work on JIMMY KISS IS A BIG, FAT CUNT AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS. 

kathleen hits the disco room

the disco room hits back and baby babble cries alligator tears in cally alley

the doll and her gaggle of pretty people are back in arcadia to paint the town red. and a little bit of the white and ski-blacky, if you know what i'm talking about.

kathleen is not back in her old stomping grounds for pleasure, sadly, but for business - DIG! premiered tonight at the disco room.

DIG! is about the doll and her pretty people. the film was originally going to chronicle the writing process of ☺, but word has it that, recently, the concept changed entirely. critics are expecting footage from her raw public persona, as well a "candid" look at kathleen. candid? i think there's been a typo - they probably meant uncanny.

the moving picture can also be seen for free, throughout the weekend, at the riot house in. tomorrow, the doll will be home and making an appearance at the ceremony being held in cielo. i'm sure she'll be over the moon to be home - the people in arcadia were about as welcoming as a slap to the face.

kathleen, soda, trotsky and maynard b. vanillakraut arrived in arcadia sometime around three and her pretty people got in after five. without skipping a beat, wild honeypie went from the train station to the l'amour and immediately began hitting the hooch. she was supposed to drag her tail to the disco room promptly at six, but didn't stroll in until half-seven.

the film began at eight; there were over five hundred in attendance, with many people lined around the block for hours to get in. a projector and screen were recently installed outside for the premiere, causing most locals to scrap the premiere itself and watch the film from nearby rooftops. sodapop took to overseeing the music after the picture closed, that is, until kathleen stole the mic from him. after pushing the bartender to his moral limit, she stumbled over to the dancefloor and jumped onstage. doing the most appropriate thing she could think of at the time, she launched into her own version of "gimme dat nut." she didn't even make it to the chorus. the doll was booed off the stage without delay by a bunch of grumpy haters. those cunts! when kathleen sings, birds don't fall dead from the trees or anything - choirs of angels join in.

nevertheless, kathleen couldn't take the heat, so she sat on the sidewalk and pouted for a good half an hour, until she walked home with mates. ok, i lied - she was carried home.

but, if you ask me, i still think the best part of the night came when she brought the party back to the 312 - she was going down to the main gates to meet a mate and the flashers started to get on her case about jimmy. they asked if she was planning on visiting him in jail and her response was, "yeah, i'll go see kiss - right after i staple my hands together." meow!