Q: are you writing this from inside trotsky's coffin?

A: DUH

um, is it just me or is kathleen a handful of pills away from ending it all? if you don't agree now, perhaps you will after reading her latest installment for hep parade.

Q: Mulholland or the Isle of Grimaldi?
A: grimaldi - going to mulholland makes me want to slit my wrists
Q: You know, for Trotsky's sake, you shouldn't joke about wanting to kill yourself.
A: you think i'm kidding
Q: When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: i wanted to be able to write a mean book; and now, my books are so mean, that they never call their mother
Q: So, just how did you get your reputation?
A: by being the bitch that nobody wants to be
Q: No, really - how did someone like you get to be so famous?
A: someone like me???? um, i used to be the prettiest doll in arcadia and now i'm the prettiest doll in cielo
Q: I thought HEP! was a great dedication to the friendship that you and Trotsky shared - congratulations.
A: you obviously didn't 'get' HEP! then
Q: You are such a stupid slut. Do humankind a favor and disappear - you can take your little party dresses and your dollies with you.
A: many a true word spoken in jest
Q: If only you knew the people that I have keeping tabs on you - you would probably think twice about the things you do.
A: HEADLOCK??????????????? WTF i've done nothing incriminating.........yet
Q: I read a gossip report recently that said you fell asleep during a phone interview and cited the reason as you were "high as a kite off of heroin" - any truth in this?
A: I THINK DOPE IS DOPE - what's it to you?
Q: Are you a morning person?
A: NO WAY - especially not today. someone had been calling me all morning since 666 o'clock. some of us still live fast and die young, you know? and it just had to be someone from the fence! none of my friends wake up that early - they stay up that late
Q: I'm sure that you're tired of being badgered about Trotsky and all the elements surrounding his death, but I've always had a question about him and figured it was now or never - why did Trotsky select the 69th room at the Riot House as his suite?
A: R U FUCKING WITH ME? trotsky was as camp as a row of pink tents
Q: What did you think when Hep Parade Magazine told you to write another fanmail piece?
A: I THOUGHT 'O GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT DETH IN NOVEMBER
Q: I miss the normal Kathleen - when is she coming back to Planet Earth?
A: ROFL - WHEN WAS I 'NORMAL?'
Q: You probably won't spill, but were you the one who gave Trotsky the 'barbies?'
A: well, that depends - is it a crime that the pigs just write a little ticket for; or is it a crime where they puts my hands behind my back and wrap those darling silver bracelets around my wrists?
Q: Why the Jimmy tattoo?
A: U SAY 'WHY?' - I SAY 'WHY NOT?'
Q: Could you give me an estimate of the percentage of people around you that snort coke?
A: 100% this is cielo DUH
Q: Gibby Bastien is naturally gorgeous, whereas you have to pancake your makeup on and yet you still look like you rolled out of the grave. I'm glad Jimmy Kiss has moved onto a more mature woman and left the little girl in the playground.
A: WTF? playground.....grave.....natural.......U CAN SAY WHATEVER, BUT GIB HAS YET 2 ENTER THE 10050
Q: What is the last thing Trotsky said to you?
A: "doll, i can't breathe in here."
Q: Well, then what's the last thing that you said to Trotsky?
A: "but, baby, you are safe - in here."

it's almost like kathleen has spent one too many hours hovering over her favorite framed picture of trotsky, blowing lines. she probably thinks she can talk to his ghost now too. quick! someone check the doll's pulse - i want to be 100% sure that she's still with us.

HEP! premieres; hailed as - you guessed it - award winning material

HEP! : because the eight-balls don't buy themselves, baby

the million dollar brat has only been mourning trotsky's untimely death for less than a week and her cold-blooded company has already demanded that she return to work!

sadly, HEP! was supposed to start gracing the silver screens only a day after the news of trotsky's death broke. without delay, wild honeypie cancelled the event and didn't even issue an apology; then, she went and had the first edition of the pretty people club - featuring the piece "the million dollar brat" - pulled off of the shelves, because it is damaging to the memory of trotsky or some bullshit. in short, the article included him downing drugs at the doll buffet. yet, her camp at hep parade  finally said, "we're not asking - we're telling," and then they told kathleen to get her ass back to work!

so, the premiere of HEP! took place tonight at cosmic charlie's cosmic disco because the riot house has been under strong police surveillance - and critics have already floated the moving picture as a nominee for several moving picture awards. the film has also garnished four and a half stars out o the possible five - but who's counting?

there was a small party held before the event and all the pretty people were in attendance. katty cakes managed to get the reclusive and notorious motorcycle gang, the hell boys, to come out and play for the opening night. they probably heard their mating call of black tar heroin crackling on tinfoil and the clinks of whiskey bottles and came a-runnin'.

no, sodapop cracked the dead bolt on his loose lips and opened up to the fence; soda said that his sister's people did it because, um, well, kathleen's been a goddamn stage sixteen mess ever since trotsky croaked. those close to her say that the doll's worse than ever - she has been secluded in her 10050 love shack home since the news hit and takes mostly to her bed. mates say that she has her drug dealers coming in and out of the house at all hours; consequentially, headlock phoned up the hell boys and asked them to come watch over the property.

"it's been really nutty," sodapop told photographers, "the fence's presence is pretty heavy. we've only had the TV on once - we looked out the window and saw ourselves look out the window through the television." furthermore - and on more than one occasion, too - the doll has been so far gone, that she spaced locking her house and gates; friends fear that something unfortunate could be in the works if she doesn't watch it.

the lost boys were there too, stinking up the place with a stench similar to a high school football team's dirty gym socks. yet even with all of those familiar faces beaming back at her from the audience, kathleen fled long before the movie was finished. those in attendance say that she couldn't bring herself to sit through the entire movie, as it pretty much features trotsky in every scene. joey was seen later escorting the doll home. well, at least she got to toast the memory of her dearly departed friend before she left - she held a champagne tribute before the movie commenced and said, "this is for you, trotsky - i wish you could be here with us tonight, but that's cool. save me a spot in rock 'n' roll heaven and i'll be there before you know it." okay that was a little dark - even for her. after giving her self-eulogy, kathleen downed her drink and one and then jetted out the door.

in other doll news, the riot house was re-opened last night and every single room was taken out of vacancy within a matter of hours. and i mean every room - there was even a point in the night where people were even asking if they could rent out portions of the rose gardens to set up tents like some kind of goddamn gypsy camp! those requests were denied, naturally, as the gardens are still off limits to guests, due to the recent loss of trotsky.

speaking of, trotsky's cause of death has been ruled accidental - and, yes, he was taking drugs at the time of his worldly departure. lots and lots of drugs. trotsky's system almost puts the doll to shame. his chemical analysis revealed lethal levels of cocaine and morphine - known as kathleen's breakfast or a 'speedball' on the streets - as well as codeine, barbiturates and other various prescription drugs. the police are investigating the matter as the barbiturates - commonly referred as 'barbies' - were prescribed to kathleen. the fuzz have ruled, though, that his death was unintentional and will not be continuing their investigation.

now, i've been cutting baby babble some slack because she's in mourning, but i have to say something : kathleen sure seems like she wants to join trotsky in dancing on all the tables in heaven; i mean, she showed up to the HEP! premiere looking like you could find her sleeping with the alley cats and pawing at fish skeletons. basically, she looked like last year - bug eyes, runny nose; with scratches and bruises scattered throughout her arms. cigarette at hand, drink in tow and disgusting ballet slippers on her feet - here we go again! and so soon, doll?

tragedy strikes at the riot house!

x

death in the gardens!

the riot house has been shut down until further notice by order of the cielo fuzz, because trotsky plunged to his death early this morning. the autopsy has not yet been made public, but witnesses say that following a long night of snorting and shooting drugs, he scrambled atop the roof to light some leftover fireworks from the freak fest; at some point, he lost his footing and plummeted down to the ground below. his body was discovered by kathleen in the riot house rose gardens before daybreak. trotsky was 21 years old.

the million dollar brat is currently holed up at her 10050 love shack and is absolutely refusing to speak with anyone who is not tied in with the doll camp. the only person to come or leave is headlock, who went to the airport this morning to pick up sodapop cola, kathleen's brother - who was in arcadia, working on a super duper secret job, given to him by his sister. once home in cielo, soda didn't waste time on spilling to the fence and said that trotsky's run-in with police the other night was no drunken twist of fate. after losing his mind from taking too many drugs and fleeing kathleen's lonesome lane home, a concerned headlock phoned the fuzz and informed them that trotsky was suicidal. by the time he was apprehended by deputies, however, he did not appear to want to take his own life - "he was acting like a brat; he just needed to dry out," one officer said. police had no choice but to let him go. soda said that the incident occurred after the doll begged with trotsky to enter rehab, but he snubbed any and all pleas.

he was recently charged with disturbing the peace after a long night with 'bad influence' kathleen. he’s been living, for quite some time, in the guest cottage on the edge of the property and therefore he became the doll's #1 friend and running mate. she even named him as the successor to headlock's position and she also named him in her last will and testament as a beneficiary.

well, trotsky, you were always one of my favorites; you could dance all night on club drugs and still find time to trim the hedges, take phone messages and snort lines with baby babble - here's hoping that you're still disturbing the peace.......up in heaven.

a funeral is expected to be held sometime next week, but neither kathleen nor her people will give any word on the matter. the flashers have even respectfully given up roosting outside 10050 lonesome lane, so we must really have a tragedy on our hands. you know a paparazzo would never put their camera down - even if it was on fire.

R.I.P. trotsky - there will never be another gold-hotpants-wearing caretaker like you.

the beautiful one launches the pretty people club magazine

and only the pretty people are allowed to read it!

kathleen held a very ladylike and demure tea party in the ballroom of the arcadian riot house this afternoon to celebrate launching the pretty people club magazine and later on, hosted a celebration at the il coyote country club in the early evening. i'm glad she's learned her lesson - slurp tea with the rich people, your bosses, by day and snort drugs with the kids, your target market, by night.

she announced that not only would she be extending the shelflife of her fanmail column with hep parade  while continuing to write books and star in films, but now heading  the pretty people club as well - ☺ is going to be on the backburner, so she can have time to put the finishing touches on HEP!.

.still, she's the president of the pretty people club now and that includes not weaseling out of highly important presidential duties. and, did i just lose my mind or did the doll seriously promise more fanmail? NO!!!!!! i would rather have a feral alley cat scratch my eyeballs out than read more of that shit!

the best part came during the doll's champagne toast :

"someone asked me why i started my own magazine......i was tired of the suits getting all of the hookers and cocaine..."

LOL. now, even though we all know that the pretty people club is going to have already gone down in flames by the same time next year, i still want to take it upon myself to formally wish kathleen luck on her latest foray. she is so in demand right now that she can barely spit on the sidewalk without some photographer having a conniption fit. besides - i hear ☺ is going to knock us all dead.

kathleen to fans : "if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck"

more like : if it ain't cokey babble, it ain't kathleen

i'd advise you to take off your belt, wrap it tight 'round your arm and get your vein ready - it's time to slam some words of wisdom from the doll.

 

Q: So just how did you break up with Jimmy Kiss? He still seems pretty heartbroken.
A: i told him LOOK KISS, IT'S BEEN REAL AND IT'S BEEN FUN - BUT IT AIN'T BEEN REAL FUN

Q: Just how many people have you slept with?
A: THIS QUESTION HAS NO WRONG ANSWER

Q: What do you miss most about Jimmy Kiss?
A: HIS GROWL

Q: I saw Heidi Gretchen Alberkraut and Loyal locked in conversation last night at the Riot House. He was feeding her drinks all night and she had her hand on his thigh. Later on, I saw them again, flirting in the smoking area. Your thoughts?
A: they totally banged that night

Q: Just saying - I would pray if I were you.
A: okay, i'll start right now - GOD OF ATOM, GOD OF THINE' ALL THE WORLD OF POWER IS MINE

Q: Have you ever been to jail before? I mean, besides the drunk tank.
A: LURK MORE - the drunk tank is my kind of tank

Q: I read that you were once jailed for publically beating Jimmy Kiss in the street. Any truth in that?
A: NONE - it was trotsky; we were high on mushrooms and went streaking down lookout mountain

Q: How long will it take you to learn that drugs are bad?
A: i don't understand

Q: What a great role model you are - taking heroin and talking about Satan. There will be a special place reserved in hell for you.
A: this planet doesn't deserve me - HELL NEEDS ME

Q: You've been in the spotlight for years...do you even have any friends left?
A: HEROIN IS DOPE

Q: My friends tell me that you'll fuck on the first date - I've got some warm booze and a joint waiting for you in the backseat of my car with your name on it.
A: FUNNY - what kind of car you drive?

Q: I drive a 90's import.
A: SEE YOU @ 9 BABE

Q: Leather jackets or jean jackets?
A: DUH, jean

Q: You are such a stupid little girl...how does it feel to be just another average Cielo airhead?
A: KISS U KNOW I'M ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: I hope you enjoy your time with Loyal...you know he's just going to get while the getting's good when it's his time - don't take it personally! Honestly, we're all waiting for the day you realize it was a mistake to leave Jimmy and go crawling back to him.
A: ROFL - the day i go crawling back to kiss is the day is have a tag on my toe

Q: Are you still relevant?
A: well, i have three unanswered bags of mail so...U TELL ME SMARTGUY

Q: What do I have to do to hang out with you?
A: BLOW..........and lots of it

Q: Do you miss the Gravedigger?
A: LIKE IT WAS MY RIGHT TIT - cruising around on the back of loyal's motorbike doesn't quite cut it

Q: Do you actually live on Lonesome Lane?
A: I NEVER TELL A LIE - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DOLL ON THE PLANET, 10050 LONESOME LANE, CIELO

Q: What is your idea of a good time?
A: jacking the heat in my house up to 73 degrees and running around with no clothes on

Q: What's the story with HEP!?
A: there is no story - it's a moving picture. THE ANTI-STORY

Q: Correct me if I am wrong, but Trotsky is gay, right?
A: trotsky is so much more than that

Q: Johnny Frigiletti - who is he?
A: he was trotsky's rent boy - now ludo ludovic is - and does everything media-related for the camp. he survived the 312 bloodbath and went on to finish DIG! by his lonesome and is currently working on HEP!

Q: Jimmy Kiss, Beau Goodman, Maynard B. Alberkraut and Loyal the Lost Boy - what have you learned?
A: if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck

Q: What happened to the Doll we once knew and loved?
A: i don't know how to tell you this, but she's long gone - BOX CITY SWEETHEART

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: black - like my heart

Q: Do you ever answer questions seriously or is it just that you never get any serious questions?
A: well, that all depends - R U BEING SRS?

Q: Which Kiss brother do you think is cuter - Jimmy or Joey?
A: JOHNNY

Q: I've been seeing Joey Kiss roaming around Cielo lately; does this mean you finally moved him into the Love Shack?
A: yes but don't tell his big brother - JIMMY WILL TAKE TWO SHITS AND DIE

Q: Can we bang? Like no joke - dead up.
A: SURPRISE ME

Q: I would die if I met you! The first time I saw you, you were topless and flipping off a crowd of people. Then you sort of passed out on the stairs on your way down.
A: TYPICAL DOLL

that's my girl! topless one second and unconscious the next.

 

the fanmail answers itself nowadays

you've got to hang it to the doll's fans - if they didn't support her, who would? no one, that's who!

and hopefully, for her sake, they can continue to support her, because the beautiful one doesn't have much to do this summer. DIG! was set to premiere in the fall, but kathleen purposely pushed it to the summertime to clear her schedule; ☺ has been put on hold until further notice. other than bothering the riot house staff and answering fanmail, the doll has nothing but time on her hands. speaking of fanmail.....time to suffer!

Q: Missed me, missed me, now you've got to...?
A: MY MOM AND YOUR MOM WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES

Q: I read somewhere that you and Jimmy were secretly married. Is that for real?
A: snot true!!!

Q: Do you use coupons?
A: ROFL

Q: Have you ever done something completely disgusting, just because someone paid you? (Note : heroin doesn't count!)
A: if heroin doesn't count - I DON'T WANNA PLAY

Q: Do you charge admission to your house parties?
A: ....SUCKERS!

Q: No, really. If I come to Cielo, I want to see 10050 Lonesome Lane.
A: that costs money too

Q: Who do you love?
A: i love the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Q: I read once that, during the writing of ☺, you suffered from insomnia. What's the truth in this?
A: I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE

Q: Have you ever had team sex?
A: what's team sex? I'LL WIN.

Q: When you drive, do you drive the speed limit?
A: LIMITS ARE 4 SQUARES

Q: Paranoid?
A: COYOTE

Q: You worried?
A: the doll, worry? IDGAF

Q: Which of Jimmy's features do you like most?
A: BUTT - next question

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: first, cielo - THEN, THE WORLD

Q: If I wanted to take you out for hamburgers - sans the tomatoes - would you let me?
A: i never eat.....HAMBURGERS

Q: This question is for Jimmy Kiss : When you finally leave that eyesore Kat, do you think she'll become a harpy? I do.
A: WHY I OUGHTA - harpy? really? JIMMY'S THE HARPY

Q: Are you happy with your life?
A: i'm happy with death

Q: Wow, I was reading Hep Parade the other day and I saw that you have a copy of the Satanic Bible in your Riot House bungalow. Never figured you for a Devil-worshipper.
A: SATAN'S MY #1 FAN - 666!!!

Q: Beau Goodman, Marynard B. Alberkraut or Jimmy Kiss?
A: beau is garbage, maynard is green - jimmy's the still point of my turning world

Q: Isn't Beau dead?
A: worse - HEMMED UP

Q: Did you break up with Maynard because he doesn't like to party?
A: KRAUT PARTIES LIKE IT'S 1999 - he takes a whiskey sour at the riot house when i'm nice enough to give him drink tickets

Q: Okay - then what is it? Did he not put out?
A: PASS

Q: Sodapop likes to talk about you in the papers like there's no tomorrow - what's one of his dirty little secrets?
A: mother and father used to call him "the mistake" - one time they put him in the oven with the gas on as a young child

Q: God loves you.
A: cod? what cod do you speak of? THERE IS NO COD.

Q: Who is this Loyal character I keep hearing about?
A: LOYAL IS THE DUKE OF PUKE

Q: I don't get it - are the Lost Boys greasers, or are they punks?
A: GREASY PUNKS

Q: What is the Coston Fox?
A: the coston fox is your friend. he lurks nearby lonesome lane, but on coston - THE COSTON FOX LOVES CIELO

Q: You have it so easy - some would kill to be in your shoes.
A: ROFL - some have tried to kill to be in these shoes

Q: Why would anyone, in their right mind, drive all the way up Lonesome Lane?
A: to see the doll of course! JUST GO2 THE END OF THE LANE!

Q: Trotsky seems like the little brother of the 10050 - does he have a nickname?
A: Baby Bear

all i have to say is - harpy.

i don't know how much longer i can do this with you, doll

it is time, yet again, to gather 'round and lend your eyes to kathleen. she's been answering her fanmail every other week like a good girl for hep parade magazine and unless you've been hovering over a dusty mirror for the last few months - it's the hottest thing on the block. hep parade has reported a surge in membership and they have even given kathleen a £100,000 raise. i don't get it!
Q: You're still really trying to make this '90s thing happen, aren't you?
A: it's the SUMMER OF LOVE

Q: What is the Summer of Love?
A: there's a lot of 40s, calamine lotion, doobies, heavy metal and freaks

Q: No, seriously - what happened to your jean jacket?
A: it's went back to 1993......PSYCHE!

Q: Punk rock?
A: PUNK RAWK.

Q: Which did you like better : 312 Skid Row or 10050 Lonesome Lane?
A: ROOM 666 @ THE RIOT HOUSE

Q: I read that you and Jimmy are actually married and you have a child on the way - care to comment?
A: i don't read fiction - I WRITE IT

Q: Why do you get thrown out of all the clubs?
A: they throw me out for being too rich

Q: What in the hell is the Riot House?
A: best party in cielo

Q: You're so Generation X.
A: I BELONG TO THE BLANK GENERATION

Q: You know, I really used to like and respect you. When all my cool friends talked badly about you - I would stand up for you. But after you broke up with Jimmy Kiss and ran his name through the mud to make yourself some quick cash - you lost me. I'm sure I'm not the first either. Get it together.
A: Wait a second, wait a second - HOW COOL ARE THESE 'COOL FRIENDS' AGAIN?

Q: Give me 3 words that best describe you.
A: God among mortals.

Q: Is ☺ ever going to be released?
A: NOT TODAY

Q: I think it's sad that you're using film footage of your dead friends for DIG! It must be hard to live with yourself.
A: LIVE FAST - maybe you'll die young

Q: Coke or heroin?
A: foilies - ONLY FOILIES

Q: Even though I'm sure that you'll respond 'NOTHING' - what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
A: dolls!

Q: Why was Jimmy arrested?
A: kiss got hemmed up because he's kiss - NEXT QUESTION

Q: A pool party? Isn't that a little junior high-ish?
A: what's it to you? DON'T BE A FOOL - GET IN THE POOL

Q: I really think you should give Jimmy a second chance. You and Maynard aren't meant for each other. Atticus Finch, really? Really?
A: REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Trotsky has said in the past that you're a "bad influence" on him - specifically that you give him drugs on occasion. What's the hardest drug you've ever given him?
A: MY FACE IS NUMB

my face is numb too - and not in a good way. don't write when you're high on crack everybody!

kathleen hits the disco room

the disco room hits back and baby babble cries alligator tears in cally alley

the doll and her gaggle of pretty people are back in arcadia to paint the town red. and a little bit of the white and ski-blacky, if you know what i'm talking about.

kathleen is not back in her old stomping grounds for pleasure, sadly, but for business - DIG! premiered tonight at the disco room.

DIG! is about the doll and her pretty people. the film was originally going to chronicle the writing process of ☺, but word has it that, recently, the concept changed entirely. critics are expecting footage from her raw public persona, as well a "candid" look at kathleen. candid? i think there's been a typo - they probably meant uncanny.

the moving picture can also be seen for free, throughout the weekend, at the riot house in. tomorrow, the doll will be home and making an appearance at the ceremony being held in cielo. i'm sure she'll be over the moon to be home - the people in arcadia were about as welcoming as a slap to the face.

kathleen, soda, trotsky and maynard b. vanillakraut arrived in arcadia sometime around three and her pretty people got in after five. without skipping a beat, wild honeypie went from the train station to the l'amour and immediately began hitting the hooch. she was supposed to drag her tail to the disco room promptly at six, but didn't stroll in until half-seven.

the film began at eight; there were over five hundred in attendance, with many people lined around the block for hours to get in. a projector and screen were recently installed outside for the premiere, causing most locals to scrap the premiere itself and watch the film from nearby rooftops. sodapop took to overseeing the music after the picture closed, that is, until kathleen stole the mic from him. after pushing the bartender to his moral limit, she stumbled over to the dancefloor and jumped onstage. doing the most appropriate thing she could think of at the time, she launched into her own version of "gimme dat nut." she didn't even make it to the chorus. the doll was booed off the stage without delay by a bunch of grumpy haters. those cunts! when kathleen sings, birds don't fall dead from the trees or anything - choirs of angels join in.

nevertheless, kathleen couldn't take the heat, so she sat on the sidewalk and pouted for a good half an hour, until she walked home with mates. ok, i lied - she was carried home.

but, if you ask me, i still think the best part of the night came when she brought the party back to the 312 - she was going down to the main gates to meet a mate and the flashers started to get on her case about jimmy. they asked if she was planning on visiting him in jail and her response was, "yeah, i'll go see kiss - right after i staple my hands together." meow!

baby babble answers her fanmail

the doll is such a hoot! her latest composition for hep parade magazine has me thinking that she doesn't take anyone - except herself - seriously! if she continues on like this, she won't have any fans left! well, other than myself.

in fact, i'm almost convinced that the beautiful one made up most of these questions by herself. the only one that i'm not sure about is : "I'll be at the Riot House tomorrow - I'll have your eight-ball ready. I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Satan Loves Me."" if that's not jimmy kiss, then i don't know what is!

Q: Do you think Jimmy Kiss still cares about you?
A: i don't think

Q: Are you single now or what?
A: or what

Q: I heard that you fucked for fame - is that true?
A: hey, i heard that too!!!!!

Q: Is the Riot House only for your friends or can normal people stay there too?
A: WEIRDOS ONLY - what is this 'normal' shit?

Q: You always look so gross - when did you get that jean jacket, 1996?
A: ROFL - you are so right, i am so filthy it's disgusting

Q: Are you mean in real life or is that just your reputation?
A: i like being mean.......BUT NOT TO YOU

Q: You know that you're totally going to hell when you die, right?
A: HELL NEEDS ME - heaven doesn't deserve me

Q: You need to clean up your act and quit with the drugs bullshit and find a nice boyfriend - not Jimmy or Beau.
A: LOL WUT - shut up headlock!

Q: What kind of drugs do you want, I can get you anything. I know people who know people - let's party!
A: I WANT THEM ALL - LET'S HUG
Q: I really like your columns for Hep Parade and I can't wait for DIG! and ☺ to come out - what's next after that?
A: ALOTTA FREAKS!

Q: I like what you're doing - we should get together. I can make you famous.
A: talk to my agent

Q: Are you really into the Devil?
A: YES HAIL SATAN 666

Q: Have you ever blown Beau Goodman?
A: i have done blow with him - LOL FOILIES!

Q: You really do like your heroin, don't you?
A: not enough

Q: No one care about anything you do - you mean nothing.
A: LOL WUT

Q: How fun is the Riot House on a scale of 1-10?
A: there is no scale for disco

Q: Is Disco all you play at the Riot House?
A: no, we also play punk rawk, doo wop do wop, heavy metal, polka and funk - why? WHAT'S IT TO YOU? WRITING A BOOK OR SOMETHING?

Q: I'll be at the Riot House tomorrow - I'll have your eight-ball ready. I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Satan Loves Me."
A: no one loves you - NOT EVEN SATAN

Q: Did you love Jimmy Kiss?
A: i don't love

Q: Do you really roll your own doobies? I thought you would have someone for that...
A: ROFL - if the doll were a country, rolling up doobs would be the national pastime

Q: Who is @heavyhorse?
A: well it's most definitely not JOEY KISS

Q: What's your favorite thing to do in Cielo?
A: DO SPEEDBALLS COUNT?? LOL

Q: Do you have any friends?
A: no, i pay trotsky, ludo and maynard to hang out with me

Q: So, let me guess, you're just one of the average Cielo airheads, right?
A: no - ABOVE AVERAGE

this is why i love her! she tells the best jokes.

kathleen is the sunshine kid

baby babble and her spoonful of sugar are hitting the road!

kat and kiss are going on tour! why, you ask? i think the more important question is : THOSE 2 ARE BACK TOGETHER? oh lord jesus help us.

yup, kathleen somehow talked her way back into jimmy's pocket. word has it, she showed up outside of jimmy's cardboard shack on the street last night and lied through her teeth made a bunch of empty promises to get him back. i guess it worked, because today hep parade magazine announced 'the sunshine tour'. tickets will be on sale online starting next week. i'm sure those two will paint the skid row neighborhood red. and a little bit of the brown and white, if you know what i mean.

in the rider, the troublesome doll rather ridiculously demanded;

one (1) roadie who speaks decent french, bad german and even worse english. he must not be afraid of death. also, he needs to be comfortable with:
1.) headlock - headlock will be his right hand man. this may seem obvious, but take it from me - he is not a people person.
2.) china white, needles, wadded-up pieces of tinfoil and getting arrested - this is all we do.
3.) sodapop - sodapop will talk at will. feel free to ignore him totally or carry your own earplugs.
demands:
security; we will be requiring the use of three (3) intensely loyal security persons - who don't mind looking the other way if certain situations should arise - to be stationed at the entrance of the dressing rooms. yes, three men, preferably built like brick shit-houses, to stand menacingly outside the doors. please also note that during the crawl, we will have extra persons with us - no police, thanks.
parking; this is skid row and kathleen and her people will require parking passes for at least seven (7) cars on the dar of the crawl.
dressing rooms; three (3) comfortable dressing rooms will be required. one for trotsky and sodapop - as well as the production crew of DIG!
*the kisses will require the exclusive use of the dressing room for the entire day and night of the gigs. the doors should lock and the rooms should have the ability to be temperature-regulated by the occupants. there must also be a 120-volt electrical service in each. this means a really janky-looking wall socket that's already got three things plugged into it. for our friends from france.
1.) silver tea service would be the best. i suppose you could provide a kettle or a coffee machine if you like, otherwise i'm sure there's a café nearby. and if there isn't - this is god, telling you to open one.
2.) two (2) packs of playing cards. in case jimmy wants to do some card tricks - or kathleen wants to hold a quick game of strip poker.
the kisses;
fresh ginger, honey, lemons and a knife sharp enough to stab jimmy kiss with. and some chinese gunpowder tea so we can blow the joint up. kidding! i doubt you'll be able to find chinese gunpowder tea at this time of year.
an english language newspaper
a bucket of ice, for champagne
a box of tinfoil
2 bottles each: grey goose or belvedere
jamison whiskey
martell cognac
1 case each: heineken
banana bread beer, brewed by our friends from england
coca-cola, in bottles, with cane sugar
ribena juice boxes
2 boxes of rough rider condoms
assorted candy (saturn zingers, flying saucers, raspberry bootlace...)
1 carton each of camel blue, parliament full flavor and light american spirit cigarettes.
*i'd just like to say that the next time that i, the sunshine kid, gets booked, if my rider is not totally satisfied, i will show up at the venue three hours late and won't go on until my needs are met.
*and no wimping out every night after a few drinks. the sunshine kid will frown upon this as the tour motto now is "blood in, blood out."

the fun, fun times for her.

and, it sounds like sodapop will be joining in for the hijinks as well! hopefully the kisses cut him out of all the action, because you know the second that the tour is over, soda's going to go make some real money with the newspapers. i am convinced that sodapop should get a device installed in his body, so that when the fence needs ideas for cover stories, they can just stick a couple of quarters in him and he'll spit on out. it's pretty much the same thing he does now, only with less mechanics involved.

 

nothing gets past the 312

the doll's "spoonful of sugar" sings like a canary!

ever since jimmy kiss smashed the doll's heart quicker than he would a piggy bank full of black-tar heroin, he's been running around arcadia - flapping his lips. for example - today, he filled the fence in on how great the doll was in the sack! kathleen will probably take it badly, but if anything, jimmy did her a favor - she'll be beating the boys away with a stick, starting now!

he led with, "believe what you will, but i'm the only man she's ever been with." yeah, right! he continued by saying, "when she told me it was the first time, i knew anything i did to her she would love, because she had never had anything done to her." gross. "i promise i did it good, too!" i seriously doubt that. please, somebody say he's joking! what in the fuck?

he then told a really super touching story, starring himself, kathleen and a trampoline in a friend's backyard one slippery wet summer night. jimmy said, "it was at a party - we were in the back, smoking a ciggie and she looked at me - she gave me this look. i knew right away what she wanted." he went on, but all i have to say is - a trampoline, really? are we back in junior high again? because, the last time i got down on a trampoline, i still had a locker combination - let's just be real.

after that, kiss went on a tangent about how great he was - beginning with some wild idea that he created the doll we all know and hate. in his little pea brain, he credits himself to giving kathleen her start in "the business." what business? the business of smoking crack and eating ice lollies all day?

jimmy said that his baby babble became famous overnight after he introduced her to his photographer friends. he couldn't be talking about the sleazy, industry flasher buddies who were behind the published photos of katty cakes sprawled out half-nude in what appeared to be a dope house, looking three sheets to the wind, could he? as if! jimmy is the one responsible for creating the doll, yes, but not because of that - it's because he introduced her to his good friends, heroin and cocaine. that's how she got her true start.

speaking of sleazy photographer friends - the same gang will be shooting a film on katty cakes, entitled, DIG! to be released in the late summer, around the same time as her book. and yes, i do believe they are releasing it in the summer of never, because ☺ will never be finished!

jimmy brought the attention back on him and wrapped up his tour down memory lane by presenting the flashers with love bites and scratches on his back, as well as polaroids from kathleen naked - doing everything from swimming to housework. if that's not class, i don't know what is. he made some other comments worthy of a good eye-roll, but i can make a long story short better than he can - the doll loves sex, but she loves drugs more! she likes to go at it all night long and is into kink. slap her around a bit and you won't be able to get rid of her, but tell her to call you "daddy" and she'll be gone before you can try to take it back!

honestly, jimmy should have known better - anything you do with the doll, you take to the grave!

and, from the sounds of it, kiss is firing blanks.