hide your eight-balls; the doll is back in arcadia

home again, home again, jiggity jig

it's a shame that kathleen and joey's return to arcadia couldn't have been worse. within five minutes of arriving in the city with all their property, the two received a call that their recently purchased home in the easy street hills - located at 1999 lisbon drive - is still under the knife and not available to live in right now; so, when the pair was dropped off at the l'amour bar and restaurant to get their ducks in a row, they found it to be closed for renovations! double damn! the cherry on top of kathleen and joey's garbage sundae came after they hiked from the l'amour to 312 skid row, otherwise known as the dollhouse. in addition to baby babble's security code failing, jimmy kiss - who was supposed to be working in grimaldi on a photoshoot - came strutting down the driveway with a scowl stretched across his face. it was on!

kathleen opened her mouth to begin the verbal cagematch, but jimmy wouldn't hear any of it. sadly, before the doll's wand and spellbook could be located, jimmy respectfully put on his trilby and got the fuck out of there. it was from the 312 that kathleen booked one of the small studio flats above the disco room nightclub. located downtown in calley alley, the disco room was one of the doll's usual boozing spots when she was a former resident of skid row, as well as the l'amour and the after-hours club. now, it looks like it's going to be her new home! that's probably for the best - instead of stumbling her boozy tail home, she can stumble it upstairs and save herself the embarassment.

kathleen hits the disco room

the disco room hits back and baby babble cries alligator tears in cally alley

the doll and her gaggle of pretty people are back in arcadia to paint the town red. and a little bit of the white and ski-blacky, if you know what i'm talking about.

kathleen is not back in her old stomping grounds for pleasure, sadly, but for business - DIG! premiered tonight at the disco room.

DIG! is about the doll and her pretty people. the film was originally going to chronicle the writing process of ☺, but word has it that, recently, the concept changed entirely. critics are expecting footage from her raw public persona, as well a "candid" look at kathleen. candid? i think there's been a typo - they probably meant uncanny.

the moving picture can also be seen for free, throughout the weekend, at the riot house in. tomorrow, the doll will be home and making an appearance at the ceremony being held in cielo. i'm sure she'll be over the moon to be home - the people in arcadia were about as welcoming as a slap to the face.

kathleen, soda, trotsky and maynard b. vanillakraut arrived in arcadia sometime around three and her pretty people got in after five. without skipping a beat, wild honeypie went from the train station to the l'amour and immediately began hitting the hooch. she was supposed to drag her tail to the disco room promptly at six, but didn't stroll in until half-seven.

the film began at eight; there were over five hundred in attendance, with many people lined around the block for hours to get in. a projector and screen were recently installed outside for the premiere, causing most locals to scrap the premiere itself and watch the film from nearby rooftops. sodapop took to overseeing the music after the picture closed, that is, until kathleen stole the mic from him. after pushing the bartender to his moral limit, she stumbled over to the dancefloor and jumped onstage. doing the most appropriate thing she could think of at the time, she launched into her own version of "gimme dat nut." she didn't even make it to the chorus. the doll was booed off the stage without delay by a bunch of grumpy haters. those cunts! when kathleen sings, birds don't fall dead from the trees or anything - choirs of angels join in.

nevertheless, kathleen couldn't take the heat, so she sat on the sidewalk and pouted for a good half an hour, until she walked home with mates. ok, i lied - she was carried home.

but, if you ask me, i still think the best part of the night came when she brought the party back to the 312 - she was going down to the main gates to meet a mate and the flashers started to get on her case about jimmy. they asked if she was planning on visiting him in jail and her response was, "yeah, i'll go see kiss - right after i staple my hands together." meow!

beau badman is missing the point

a restraining order means the same as "i love you" to him

everyone knows that the big, heart-shaped foilie that was the love between beau and kathleen has long since been smoked up. she wished him the best and kiss pretty much wrote his obituary. now that the remaining heir of the badman family fortune has plenty of time to focus on himself, the kisses are focusing on keeping the crazy out of their lives.

to start, kathleen and sodapop had trotsky drive them into the cielo valley to obtain a restraining order against beau. apparently, he has been trying to get into her 10050 love shack every night now and has even taken to following trotsky and sodapop when they leave.
she said, "when i first met him, i was at the l'amour bar and he came in from the rain. he told me he had no where else to go and so i told him i'd take him in - for one night. that night turned into months. and that's the story of beau goodman."

in recent times, it’s fair to say that the kisses have been friendly towards beau. he was occasionally invited to stay over and kathleen even helped him get a small gig with hep parade magazine. according to trotsky; "when jimmy left for mulholland, beau started to come over more often and it seemed he and kathleen had worked things out. then, a couple weeks later - she asked me to change the locks."

wow, she must really be serious this time if she went and changed the locks and everything! i mean, this isn't her first time dealing with psychos who have nothing better to do than find ways to break in, so i'm sort of surprised she didn't give headlock the go-ahead to take a sniper position on the roof or something. changing the locks won't do shit!

kathleen added, in a really dramatic voice, outside of her house that beau would not be invited to the doll's reopening of the 312 human slaughterhouse taking place in a couple of weeks. all of her real friends were invited to arcadia to pay their respects and help kathleen lock up the house until they're "damn good and ready to open it again." good! lock up the haunted house and throw away the key! that place is like an indian burial ground now.

kathleen doesn't need a restraining order - she could just wear a bar of soap on a string around her neck at all times to steer clear of the badman.

it's dollface - enough said

katty cakes beats heroin snots out of beau badman, tells fuzz "i didn't know i couldn't do that" - the laughs can still be heard echoing in space

i'm absolutely positive now that kathleen was absent on the day they taught "treat others how you would like to be treated" in kindergarten - unless, of course, she does like to have her face smashed into the pavement on a regular basis - because i am tired of having to write about the doll stomping some ass! shit's ridiculous.

last night began normally - the doll was hitting the sauce at the l'amour bar and restaurant like usual with jimmy, when she stepped outside for a smoke. okay, she, jimmy, trotsky and anyone else who wanted to come, stepped outside for a doobie break. kathleen was busy hotboxing the gravedigger, when sodapop knocked on the window and warned her that beau badman was in the house. notes from fuzz on the scene state that the fight started when beau approached the gravedigger. it was on! kathleen pushed jimmy out of the car and began to lay the smackdown on beau. by the time she finished, there was blood all over the car, her dress and the concrete. the report went on to say that she slammed his head into a window and hit him until sodapop and jimmy could peel her off. i'm sure somewhere in there it also mentioned how she was chasing the dragon during all of this. she's like an octopus - she can beat beau badman with one hand, shovel snow up her nose with another and write down ideas for her next book, all while smoking a cigarette.

as she was being hauled off in the paddywagon, she howled her world-renowned line, "if i ever see you again, you're dead!" only, i seriously doubt that because he was arrested also for...well, for being beau badman. and, like usual, as soon as beau was in custody - he started singing like a canary! he told the officers that this wasn't his first time riding the doll beatdown rollercoaster with no safety bar and that he feared for his life. i would too - no one fucks with jimmy's wallet aka kat. all she had to say was, "i'm sorry, officer, i didn't know i couldn't do that." the handcuffs dissolved instantly into a pile of glitter and the doll was free!

outside of her skid row palace this morning, she hushed the naysayers with, "i don't know if you've ever mixed heroin and cocaine before..." no, she didn't, but you know she wanted to!