here we are again

and so soon

i hate to say this, but i really can't wait until hep parade tells kathleen, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" once and for all, because this fanmail shit is for the birds.
you know the doll, though; she has always been quite the bitch and hardly appreciates her fans. speaking of, get out your reading glasses and get ready for another ascent to outer space, courtesy of our one and only baby babble!

Q: Do you really think that you'll still be relevant in 10 years?
A: no, from what i've been told, i've proved that underground literature is a bankable commodity - THEY WON'T NEED ME 4EVER

Q: Isn't it funny that Jimmy's new girlfriend looks just like you?
A: O YA - THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

Q: Did Jimmy really replace you with Trotsky's sister?
A: LMAO!!!!!!! YA RIGHT! restraining order

Q: I heard Jimmy Kiss recently took a foray into the music business. How does this make you feel?
A: like killing myself - jimmy kiss singing makes birds fall dead from the trees

Q: Oh yeah? Well I also heard that he's doing a show in Arcadia at the Disco Room soon.
A: IS THAT SO? WHEN AND WUT TIME??? I'LL HAVE THE FUZZ WAITING IN CALLY ALLEY 4 HIS LOSER ASS!

Q: Since when did you start on all the Jimmy Kiss hate?
A: SINCE 4 EVER. DUH.

Q: What's the last thing you said to Jimmy?
A: you can eat shit for all i care...

Q: I love you.
A: JOEY'S GONNA BE SO MAD

Q: Did you ever go to your high school prom?
A: OF COURSE NOT - 2 UGLY

Q: What would you describe yourself as?
A: LIFER

Q: Did Jimmy teach you the term 'lifer?'
A: ROFL - HE WISHES

Q: Do you drive drunk?
A: only always - me sober attracts too much attention

Q: Quick! Go to your window right now - how many photographers are outside your house?
A: LOL - 1 FLASHER, 2 FLASHER, 3 FLASHER....when i'm alone i count myself - ONE DOLL!

Q: I have some blow - I'll be at the Riot House, in room 234, under the name of 'Kurk Crowbar' - can you meet me there on Monday?
A: BLOW? I LOVE BLOW. WUT TIME????

Q: Let's meet at midnight - wear all black.
A: U GOT IT

Q: Will you ever marry?
A: WHO WOULD WANT 2 MARRY ALL THIS??? I SUCK

Q: What's with the outer space talk? You start going to astronaut school or something?
A: i dropped out of astronaut school - besides, i've already been to the moon and looked down on the earth; UR NOTHING IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN 2 SPACE

Q: Go ahead and sign with Hep Parade because your latest boyfriend works there - they just want to make a quick profit off of you.
A: PROPHET = PROFIT

Q: So, if you are what you eat, then what does that make you - nothing?
A: OOOH GOOD ONE

Q: How's the heroin from Cielo compare with the heroin from Arcadia?
A: IT'S MORE DOPE

Q: I've followed you're entire career and noticed one thing - you have no friends that are female. What is with this?
A: THERE'S NOT ROOM ENOUGH FOR 2 QUEEN QUNTS IN THIS TOWN

Q: I've heard that you have terrible vision and been in more accidents than you can remember - how do you still have a license?
A: IDK - sometimes i can't even see signs until after i've passed them. IS THAT BAD?

Q: Where do you believe your appeal truly lies?
A: IN OUTER SPACE, DUH - no, i believe it's because i truly DGAF

Q: Whatever happened to Sodapop? Did you finally shut him up?
A: LOL I WISH - he's still kicking around somewhere....probably chasing some tail

Q: I was informed that you only make a mere ten thousand a day. Am I wrong, or are you in the poorhouse now?
A: U WERE ILL INFORMED - i make a million a day

um, what - the poorhouse? please. she makes boatloads of cash as it is, what with all the gibberish she scribbles out. the doll has made her fortune off of plenty of different things over the years : books, columns, death threats to beau badman, essays, jimmy kiss' eulogy, speeches, shit that nobody understands...why would she be in the poorhouse? i mean, the bandanna was one thing, but she's since given that up for a super sweet denim jacket from 1993 that joey handed down to her. duh.

and, if i could direct this towards sodapop - you know he's chasing a gaggle of flashers around, trying to get some kind of story published. it's either that or he's dead, because there's nothing that can shut him up.

kathleen to fans : "if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck"

more like : if it ain't cokey babble, it ain't kathleen

i'd advise you to take off your belt, wrap it tight 'round your arm and get your vein ready - it's time to slam some words of wisdom from the doll.

Q: So just how did you break up with Jimmy Kiss? He still seems pretty heartbroken.
A: i told him LOOK KISS, IT'S BEEN REAL AND IT'S BEEN FUN - BUT IT AIN'T BEEN REAL FUN

Q: Just how many people have you slept with?
A: THIS QUESTION HAS NO WRONG ANSWER

Q: What do you miss most about Jimmy Kiss?
A: HIS GROWL

Q: I saw Heidi Gretchen Alberkraut and Loyal locked in conversation last night at the Riot House. He was feeding her drinks all night and she had her hand on his thigh. Later on, I saw them again, flirting in the smoking area. Your thoughts?
A: they totally banged that night

Q: Just saying - I would pray if I were you.
A: okay, i'll start right now - GOD OF ATOM, GOD OF THINE' ALL THE WORLD OF POWER IS MINE

Q: Have you ever been to jail before? I mean, besides the drunk tank.
A: LURK MORE - the drunk tank is my kind of tank

Q: I read that you were once jailed for publically beating Jimmy Kiss in the street. Any truth in that?
A: NONE - it was trotsky; we were high on mushrooms and went streaking down lookout mountain

Q: How long will it take you to learn that drugs are bad?
A: i don't understand

Q: What a great role model you are - taking heroin and talking about Satan. There will be a special place reserved in hell for you.
A: this planet doesn't deserve me - HELL NEEDS ME

Q: You've been in the spotlight for years...do you even have any friends left?
A: HEROIN IS DOPE

Q: My friends tell me that you'll fuck on the first date - I've got some warm booze and a joint waiting for you in the backseat of my car with your name on it.
A: FUNNY - what kind of car you drive?

Q: I drive a 90's import.
A: SEE YOU @ 9 BABE

Q: Leather jackets or jean jackets?
A: DUH, jean

Q: You are such a stupid little girl...how does it feel to be just another average Cielo airhead?
A: KISS U KNOW I'M ABOVE AVERAGE

Q: I hope you enjoy your time with Loyal...you know he's just going to get while the getting's good when it's his time - don't take it personally! Honestly, we're all waiting for the day you realize it was a mistake to leave Jimmy and go crawling back to him.
A: ROFL - the day i go crawling back to kiss is the day is have a tag on my toe

Q: Are you still relevant?
A: well, i have three unanswered bags of mail so...U TELL ME SMARTGUY

Q: What do I have to do to hang out with you?
A: BLOW..........and lots of it

Q: Do you miss the Gravedigger?
A: LIKE IT WAS MY RIGHT TIT - cruising around on the back of loyal's motorbike doesn't quite cut it

Q: Do you actually live on Lonesome Lane?
A: I NEVER TELL A LIE - THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DOLL ON THE PLANET, 10050 LONESOME LANE, CIELO

Q: What is your idea of a good time?
A: jacking the heat in my house up to 73 degrees and running around with no clothes on

Q: What's the story with HEP!?
A: there is no story - it's a moving picture. THE ANTI-STORY

Q: Correct me if I am wrong, but Trotsky is gay, right?
A: trotsky is so much more than that

Q: Johnny Frigiletti - who is he?
A: he was trotsky's rent boy - now ludo ludovic is - and does everything media-related for the camp. he survived the 312 bloodbath and went on to finish DIG! by his lonesome and is currently working on HEP!

Q: Jimmy Kiss, Beau Goodman, Maynard B. Alberkraut and Loyal the Lost Boy - what have you learned?
A: if it ain't stiff, it ain't worth a fuck

Q: What happened to the Doll we once knew and loved?
A: i don't know how to tell you this, but she's long gone - BOX CITY SWEETHEART

Q: What's your favorite color?
A: black - like my heart

Q: Do you ever answer questions seriously or is it just that you never get any serious questions?
A: well, that all depends - R U BEING SRS?

Q: Which Kiss brother do you think is cuter - Jimmy or Joey?
A: JOHNNY

Q: I've been seeing Joey Kiss roaming around Cielo lately; does this mean you finally moved him into the Love Shack?
A: yes but don't tell his big brother - JIMMY WILL TAKE TWO SHITS AND DIE

Q: Can we bang? Like no joke - dead up.
A: SURPRISE ME

Q: I would die if I met you! The first time I saw you, you were topless and flipping off a crowd of people. Then you sort of passed out on the stairs on your way down.
A: TYPICAL DOLL

that's my girl! topless one second and unconscious the next.

mary, mary, quite contrary

to popular belief, kathleen and jimmy kiss are not knocking boots anymore

are you kidding me?? even though kathleen dumped maynard b. 'kraut like a hot bag of stones, attached herself to jimmy's lips and allowed him to move his garbage back into the love shack - that doesn't mean that the two kisses are doing the shaky horizontal bone shuffle.
outside of the 10050 today, one of the flashers went to extremes to get the beautiful one's attention, by yelling, "is it true that you're pregnant with jimmy's baby?"

well, after the doll took a mental note of what the flasher looked like and which dark alley she was going to meet him down later, she yelled back, "pregnant? and just what gave you that idea?"

the flasher then asked, "aren't you back with kiss?"

kathleen then responded, without missing a beat, "when it comes to kiss and i, it's been real and it's been fun - but it hasn't been real fun." HUH. WHAT.

now, don't get me wrong - any day kathleen and jimmy call it quits should be made a global holiday, but i don't think that really applies here. they've been doing this dance for years now and until i see some tears, blood and squad cars out front of the 10050 - i'm not buying it.
jimmy, of course, took off on his 'no, we really are in love' tour, but the damage was done. besides, everyone knows he walks on eggshells around the doll - she writes his checks and he's in for the long haul.

jimmy kiss hemmed up at 10050 love shack

streets are now a little safer

kiss was popped today, right out front of the lonesome lane home he used to share with the doll, having just returned from retrieving his belongings. oh, and he might have 'borrowed' a few crack rocks from kat's personal stash. hey! now, i know what you're thinking, but he at least wrote one of his famous IOUs. the 's' clearly stands for shit, because he will never get around to paying her back.

jimmy wasn't arrested for violating his restraining order - surprise, surprise - he was arrested for simple possession of marijuana. bummer, i was expecting a felony.

the beautiful one has been unavailable for a comment on her sleazy ex, as she is currently redecorating her recently acquired farmhouse in monticello - some say she's in hiding since kiss wouldn't take a hint and some say she's avoiding the cielo police force as the word is they will be investigating over a bunch of leads about the riot house being a haven for drugs, gambling and all sorts of other illegal activities. please! they aren't going to do shit. the police will start investigating the riot house right after they get on their magical unicorns and fly off to planet never.

if you ask me, the fuzz should just do themselves a favor and keep jimmy's cell ready at all times. it's only a matter of time before he gets thrown in the clink again. i mean, you know he's got a 'home, sweet home' plaque on the wall; his slippers are in the corner and there's a shelf he built for his best trilbies.

i really should stop all the kiss hate. compared to 'kraut, he's a total live wire. it's like the doll's the vein and jimmy's the needle. together, they're the ultimate combo, but apart, it's just not the same. besides, maynard is about as thrilling as vanilla ice cream.

the beautiful one holidays with the pretty people

tries to escape 'no-mates' beau badman

kathleen was seen strolling along the beaches this weekend, on the isle of grimaldi, with her best pals by her side. it would seem that beau badman, who spent the weekend cooling off in an arcadian jailcell, is the furthest thing from the doll's mind as she enjoys a relaxing holiday with jimmy kiss, trotsky, brother sodapop cola, new members to the group maynard b. alberkraut, ludo ludovic and the rest of her people in tow. her army of 25+ wandering artists, bikers, punks, gypsies, junkies, flower children and billion dollar babies have been ceremoniously dubbed 'the pretty people' by kathleen and also called "the freaks" by the papers. they all boarded the doll's private jet, the crippler, in arcadia on friday morning and landed before sundown. i could make a joke about wild honeypie being high here, but really i'd rather not.

headlock, who is staying in cielo all by his lonesome, sent trotsky and brother sodapop ahead to watch over the group. these two, along with her pretty people, have reportedly been a "tower of strength" for her, what with the human slaughterhouse on skid row and beau stalking her and everything. you know, because jimmy's not a tower of strength! he's more like a tower of wet rags.

beau badman is missing the point

a restraining order means the same as "i love you" to him

everyone knows that the big, heart-shaped foilie that was the love between beau and kathleen has long since been smoked up. she wished him the best and kiss pretty much wrote his obituary. now that the remaining heir of the badman family fortune has plenty of time to focus on himself, the kisses are focusing on keeping the crazy out of their lives.

to start, kathleen and sodapop had trotsky drive them into the cielo valley to obtain a restraining order against beau. apparently, he has been trying to get into her 10050 love shack every night now and has even taken to following trotsky and sodapop when they leave.
she said, "when i first met him, i was at the l'amour bar and he came in from the rain. he told me he had no where else to go and so i told him i'd take him in - for one night. that night turned into months. and that's the story of beau goodman."

in recent times, it’s fair to say that the kisses have been friendly towards beau. he was occasionally invited to stay over and kathleen even helped him get a small gig with hep parade magazine. according to trotsky; "when jimmy left for mulholland, beau started to come over more often and it seemed he and kathleen had worked things out. then, a couple weeks later - she asked me to change the locks."

wow, she must really be serious this time if she went and changed the locks and everything! i mean, this isn't her first time dealing with psychos who have nothing better to do than find ways to break in, so i'm sort of surprised she didn't give headlock the go-ahead to take a sniper position on the roof or something. changing the locks won't do shit!

kathleen added, in a really dramatic voice, outside of her house that beau would not be invited to the doll's reopening of the 312 human slaughterhouse taking place in a couple of weeks. all of her real friends were invited to arcadia to pay their respects and help kathleen lock up the house until they're "damn good and ready to open it again." good! lock up the haunted house and throw away the key! that place is like an indian burial ground now.

kathleen doesn't need a restraining order - she could just wear a bar of soap on a string around her neck at all times to steer clear of the badman.