i will never forgive that wet mop!

jimmy kiss is at the top of baby babble's shitlist

somebody needs to keep jimmy kiss out of my sight, because if i ever see him i will slap that trilby right off his goddamn head and not even think twice about it! i'm sure that he's all melancholy and everything now that rumors are flying around about his younger brother and former girlfriend are getting hitched - but how dare he smash up kathleen's shit! that selfish asshole should have mailed it to me! i would have personally paid for all of his crackrocks next year.

after jimmy's hanukkah from hell, he returned to the 312 to find a box of the doll's junk - having been mailed from cielo - sitting on his porch. instead of doing the human thing and having it forwarded to her new address in the easy street hills, he took a baseball bat to the box. in doing so, he smashed kathleen's original, rare and signed-in-lipstick copies of her entire riot grrrl music collection. along with her LPs, he created a small bonfire and burned his collection of the doll's unpublished drafts and notes - which kathleen affirmed that he stole - from her books throughout the years, including the yet-to-be-released ☺.

can you believe that shit? it's like jimmy has surpassed his wet mop days and reverted back to a state of junior high school. the middle kiss brother is certainly winning his way into satan's 9th circle of hell - hitler, cassius, brutus and judas iscariot are probably super duper proud of lucifer's #1 son right now.

okay, and i don't mean to always be the one to slaughter the pink elephant in the room - but jimmy really needs to get the net! he and the beautiful one broke up ages ago, WTF? he must have been high off his ass on black tar when he thought that he even had so much as a snowball's chance in hell of getting kathleen back - watching the two together at hanukkah, behaving like the happy campers that they are, nearly sent him running for the razorblades.............and not in a doll-over-a-dusty-mirror kind of a way, either.

in closing, baby babble, you now have my permission to put an evil curse upon jimmy kiss' head; and, i promise i won't even make fun of you or try to burn you at the stake or anything. do something really bad - like, make it so he can never find a vein to shoot up with ever again. wait......that could be a good thing if you think about it. fuck it, instead of a curse, let's just put a price on his head and get some old-fashioned homicide going. i'm sure that the mean, old boogieman with a limp from the arcadian trailer park will do it for £699, no cash down.

hide your eight-balls; the doll is back in arcadia

home again, home again, jiggity jig

it's a shame that kathleen and joey's return to arcadia couldn't have been worse. within five minutes of arriving in the city with all their property, the two received a call that their recently purchased home in the easy street hills - located at 1999 lisbon drive - is still under the knife and not available to live in right now; so, when the pair was dropped off at the l'amour bar and restaurant to get their ducks in a row, they found it to be closed for renovations! double damn! the cherry on top of kathleen and joey's garbage sundae came after they hiked from the l'amour to 312 skid row, otherwise known as the dollhouse. in addition to baby babble's security code failing, jimmy kiss - who was supposed to be working in grimaldi on a photoshoot - came strutting down the driveway with a scowl stretched across his face. it was on!

kathleen opened her mouth to begin the verbal cagematch, but jimmy wouldn't hear any of it. sadly, before the doll's wand and spellbook could be located, jimmy respectfully put on his trilby and got the fuck out of there. it was from the 312 that kathleen booked one of the small studio flats above the disco room nightclub. located downtown in calley alley, the disco room was one of the doll's usual boozing spots when she was a former resident of skid row, as well as the l'amour and the after-hours club. now, it looks like it's going to be her new home! that's probably for the best - instead of stumbling her boozy tail home, she can stumble it upstairs and save herself the embarassment.

tragedy strikes at the riot house!

x

death in the gardens!

the riot house has been shut down until further notice by order of the cielo fuzz, because trotsky plunged to his death early this morning. the autopsy has not yet been made public, but witnesses say that following a long night of snorting and shooting drugs, he scrambled atop the roof to light some leftover fireworks from the freak fest; at some point, he lost his footing and plummeted down to the ground below. his body was discovered by kathleen in the riot house rose gardens before daybreak. trotsky was 21 years old.

the million dollar brat is currently holed up at her 10050 love shack and is absolutely refusing to speak with anyone who is not tied in with the doll camp. the only person to come or leave is headlock, who went to the airport this morning to pick up sodapop cola, kathleen's brother - who was in arcadia, working on a super duper secret job, given to him by his sister. once home in cielo, soda didn't waste time on spilling to the fence and said that trotsky's run-in with police the other night was no drunken twist of fate. after losing his mind from taking too many drugs and fleeing kathleen's lonesome lane home, a concerned headlock phoned the fuzz and informed them that trotsky was suicidal. by the time he was apprehended by deputies, however, he did not appear to want to take his own life - "he was acting like a brat; he just needed to dry out," one officer said. police had no choice but to let him go. soda said that the incident occurred after the doll begged with trotsky to enter rehab, but he snubbed any and all pleas.

he was recently charged with disturbing the peace after a long night with 'bad influence' kathleen. he’s been living, for quite some time, in the guest cottage on the edge of the property and therefore he became the doll's #1 friend and running mate. she even named him as the successor to headlock's position and she also named him in her last will and testament as a beneficiary.

well, trotsky, you were always one of my favorites; you could dance all night on club drugs and still find time to trim the hedges, take phone messages and snort lines with baby babble - here's hoping that you're still disturbing the peace.......up in heaven.

a funeral is expected to be held sometime next week, but neither kathleen nor her people will give any word on the matter. the flashers have even respectfully given up roosting outside 10050 lonesome lane, so we must really have a tragedy on our hands. you know a paparazzo would never put their camera down - even if it was on fire.

R.I.P. trotsky - there will never be another gold-hotpants-wearing caretaker like you.

beau badman is missing the point

a restraining order means the same as "i love you" to him

everyone knows that the big, heart-shaped foilie that was the love between beau and kathleen has long since been smoked up. she wished him the best and kiss pretty much wrote his obituary. now that the remaining heir of the badman family fortune has plenty of time to focus on himself, the kisses are focusing on keeping the crazy out of their lives.

to start, kathleen and sodapop had trotsky drive them into the cielo valley to obtain a restraining order against beau. apparently, he has been trying to get into her 10050 love shack every night now and has even taken to following trotsky and sodapop when they leave.
she said, "when i first met him, i was at the l'amour bar and he came in from the rain. he told me he had no where else to go and so i told him i'd take him in - for one night. that night turned into months. and that's the story of beau goodman."

in recent times, it’s fair to say that the kisses have been friendly towards beau. he was occasionally invited to stay over and kathleen even helped him get a small gig with hep parade magazine. according to trotsky; "when jimmy left for mulholland, beau started to come over more often and it seemed he and kathleen had worked things out. then, a couple weeks later - she asked me to change the locks."

wow, she must really be serious this time if she went and changed the locks and everything! i mean, this isn't her first time dealing with psychos who have nothing better to do than find ways to break in, so i'm sort of surprised she didn't give headlock the go-ahead to take a sniper position on the roof or something. changing the locks won't do shit!

kathleen added, in a really dramatic voice, outside of her house that beau would not be invited to the doll's reopening of the 312 human slaughterhouse taking place in a couple of weeks. all of her real friends were invited to arcadia to pay their respects and help kathleen lock up the house until they're "damn good and ready to open it again." good! lock up the haunted house and throw away the key! that place is like an indian burial ground now.

kathleen doesn't need a restraining order - she could just wear a bar of soap on a string around her neck at all times to steer clear of the badman.

wild honeypie alleges that her 312 doll manor is "haunted"

insists that she saw ghosts roaming the grounds

the good doll has been living at 312 skid row for almost six years and yet she might be packing up and moving out soon. she's convinced the property is haunted.

baby babble just recently got back together with jimmy kiss, who is going to be spending lots and lots of time at work in party-haven mulholland. his schedule will have him away from home for about a month - which leaves kathleen getting drunk and high by herself. it's no wonder she recently told hep parade that she's been thinking of moving! the doll recanted one of her typical 312 nightmares for the magazine:

"i was alone at the house one night, asleep, when something woke me up. i'm not confident in what it was, but it seemed like every noise in the house had me spooked. i was just so afraid. i sat up in bed and while i was looking around the room, i suddenly became aware of someone standing in the doorway - it was a creepy-looking woman. she walked towards me and sat right at the foot of the bed. i slipped on my robe and made a mad dash out of the bedroom. as i headed down the stairs, i stopped dead in my tracks. there, at the foot of the stairs, was the same woman - but this time she was more frightening. she had a rope around her neck and a slashed throat. then, oddly, as soon as the vision had come - it was gone. i poured myself a stiff drink, convinced i'd seen a ghost. the 312 is haunted, i'm sure of it."

you know the people of arcadia are thinking, "nicely played - kat : 0, ghosts : 1."

nothing gets past the 312

the doll's "spoonful of sugar" sings like a canary!

ever since jimmy kiss smashed the doll's heart quicker than he would a piggy bank full of black-tar heroin, he's been running around arcadia - flapping his lips. for example - today, he filled the fence in on how great the doll was in the sack! kathleen will probably take it badly, but if anything, jimmy did her a favor - she'll be beating the boys away with a stick, starting now!

he led with, "believe what you will, but i'm the only man she's ever been with." yeah, right! he continued by saying, "when she told me it was the first time, i knew anything i did to her she would love, because she had never had anything done to her." gross. "i promise i did it good, too!" i seriously doubt that. please, somebody say he's joking! what in the fuck?

he then told a really super touching story, starring himself, kathleen and a trampoline in a friend's backyard one slippery wet summer night. jimmy said, "it was at a party - we were in the back, smoking a ciggie and she looked at me - she gave me this look. i knew right away what she wanted." he went on, but all i have to say is - a trampoline, really? are we back in junior high again? because, the last time i got down on a trampoline, i still had a locker combination - let's just be real.

after that, kiss went on a tangent about how great he was - beginning with some wild idea that he created the doll we all know and hate. in his little pea brain, he credits himself to giving kathleen her start in "the business." what business? the business of smoking crack and eating ice lollies all day?

jimmy said that his baby babble became famous overnight after he introduced her to his photographer friends. he couldn't be talking about the sleazy, industry flasher buddies who were behind the published photos of katty cakes sprawled out half-nude in what appeared to be a dope house, looking three sheets to the wind, could he? as if! jimmy is the one responsible for creating the doll, yes, but not because of that - it's because he introduced her to his good friends, heroin and cocaine. that's how she got her true start.

speaking of sleazy photographer friends - the same gang will be shooting a film on katty cakes, entitled, DIG! to be released in the late summer, around the same time as her book. and yes, i do believe they are releasing it in the summer of never, because ☺ will never be finished!

jimmy brought the attention back on him and wrapped up his tour down memory lane by presenting the flashers with love bites and scratches on his back, as well as polaroids from kathleen naked - doing everything from swimming to housework. if that's not class, i don't know what is. he made some other comments worthy of a good eye-roll, but i can make a long story short better than he can - the doll loves sex, but she loves drugs more! she likes to go at it all night long and is into kink. slap her around a bit and you won't be able to get rid of her, but tell her to call you "daddy" and she'll be gone before you can try to take it back!

honestly, jimmy should have known better - anything you do with the doll, you take to the grave!

and, from the sounds of it, kiss is firing blanks.

beau badman is the latest deadbeat to sing the jailhouse blues

jimmy kiss seen jumping up and clicking his heels in the streets

jimmy no longer has to deal with beau badman, the rotten lowlife, bumming his ciggies, smoking up his crack stash or borrowing his favorite trilby without asking - because beau has temporarily moved into the big house. jimmy is probably happier than a pig in a mud - recently released from jail and the one person he holds the most contempt for gets hemmed up for the time being? this shit couldn't be better if there was a dramatic score to accompany it. and, it looks like kiss believes kathleen when she says she only kissed beau. fool!

everything all started when baby babble invited him along to her hep parade  birthday photo shoot. she arrived at the studio at eleven in the morning and around midnight, when the "work" was done, kathleen decided to thank the crew by sending out for some booze.

naturally, it wasn't long before everyone was falling-down drunk. that's when "sticky fingers" beau decided to make his move and case the joint! the crew reported a bunch of shit -worth about £1,500 - missing the next morning. he took an american flag backdrop, a pair of moldy, old roller skates, a giant cat head and paws and a bunch of other worthless junk. damn, was that trash made out of gold or something? and he's got to be the dumbest criminal alive! why didn't he swipe any cameras or televisions or anything expensive? i'm sure there was plenty of that lying around. besides, if those people were so drunk, why didn't he just rob their asses? no shame in that - i would have.

so, the story goes that beau badman was charged and tossed in the can. good! i hope he stays there forever. i mean, WTF, beau? this is not magical free land where you can just do whatever you want all the time! but don't feel so bad. back in the day, the doll was sent to the slammer after she crashed her car into her own house while her license was on suspension. she was also high on pills when the incident took place. she promised she'd try really, really hard not to do it again and was released subsequently.

the best part was when the police showed up to the 312 to question kat and beau.

beau: "okay, so i stole the cat head and the flag and shit - whatever! i figured i'd give it back - i didn't know i'd have to walk the green mile for it."
cop: "so you're admitting that you stole the things?"
beau: "i took them!"
cop: "you took them, or you stole them?"
beau: "i...took them, like, borrowed it."
cop: "ok and did kathleen...."
doll: "don't look at me - i didn't touch shit."

the funny thing is, you know she totally did.