i will never forgive that wet mop!

jimmy kiss is at the top of baby babble's shitlist

somebody needs to keep jimmy kiss out of my sight, because if i ever see him i will slap that trilby right off his goddamn head and not even think twice about it! i'm sure that he's all melancholy and everything now that rumors are flying around about his younger brother and former girlfriend are getting hitched - but how dare he smash up kathleen's shit! that selfish asshole should have mailed it to me! i would have personally paid for all of his crackrocks next year.

after jimmy's hanukkah from hell, he returned to the 312 to find a box of the doll's junk - having been mailed from cielo - sitting on his porch. instead of doing the human thing and having it forwarded to her new address in the easy street hills, he took a baseball bat to the box. in doing so, he smashed kathleen's original, rare and signed-in-lipstick copies of her entire riot grrrl music collection. along with her LPs, he created a small bonfire and burned his collection of the doll's unpublished drafts and notes - which kathleen affirmed that he stole - from her books throughout the years, including the yet-to-be-released ☺.

can you believe that shit? it's like jimmy has surpassed his wet mop days and reverted back to a state of junior high school. the middle kiss brother is certainly winning his way into satan's 9th circle of hell - hitler, cassius, brutus and judas iscariot are probably super duper proud of lucifer's #1 son right now.

okay, and i don't mean to always be the one to slaughter the pink elephant in the room - but jimmy really needs to get the net! he and the beautiful one broke up ages ago, WTF? he must have been high off his ass on black tar when he thought that he even had so much as a snowball's chance in hell of getting kathleen back - watching the two together at hanukkah, behaving like the happy campers that they are, nearly sent him running for the razorblades.............and not in a doll-over-a-dusty-mirror kind of a way, either.

in closing, baby babble, you now have my permission to put an evil curse upon jimmy kiss' head; and, i promise i won't even make fun of you or try to burn you at the stake or anything. do something really bad - like, make it so he can never find a vein to shoot up with ever again. wait......that could be a good thing if you think about it. fuck it, instead of a curse, let's just put a price on his head and get some old-fashioned homicide going. i'm sure that the mean, old boogieman with a limp from the arcadian trailer park will do it for £699, no cash down.

ludo ludovic is welcomed into the pretty people club with open arms

a couple of days ago, after the doll broke headlock's arm, her camp announced that they would be hiring ludo ludovic to temporarily fill his position. today, however, kathleen announced that he would be coming on board permanently and that he would be moving into 1999 lisbon drive - or as it is now fittingly known to this planet and the surrounding galaxies : 'the kiss cradle.' i don't know why she's being so hasty - maybe ludo knows where to score the good drugs in the easy street hills. maybe it's because christmas is coming up in the next couple of days. on the other hand, there's word that it's because his grandmother is a heavyweight in the publishing world and baby babble is manipulating the staff to help her write ☺. funny, because everyone knows that the doll's books are ghostwritten by satan's enslaved sluts; her books come straight from the deep, deep fiery pits of hell and are bound by their charred souls. duh.

now, because ludovic is so young and susceptible to the doll's witchy charms - much like trotsky once was before she eventually corrupted him - the fence is suggesting that she is trying to fill the hole in her heart where trotsky used to live with ludo. kathleen called bullshit on the gossip and said, "no one will ever be able to replace trotsky. with that being said, i found someone to replace trotsky - his name is ludo ludovic." wow, with the way that the beautiful one has been going on and on about trotsky, i wouldn't be surprised if she buried him in the backyard of her home in arcadia. in addition to ludo, she also asked her brother - sodapop cola - to move back in and look after the property. i'm guessing this has something to do with the fact that ludo is built like a girl and soda is built like a brick shithouse.

in other doll news, she was a picture of ladylike behavior today downtown on the arcadian high road. she was shopping at an affluent boutique for all the 'it' people, when one of the shop slaves came up and demanded that she leave! the million dollar brat asked why and the worked said, "because you smell like cigarette smoke." say what?????

i can't believe my eyeballs, but i'm sure i read that right. no one calls the doll smelly and lives to tell the story! anyways, i guess the kid told kathleen that she needed to vamoose, because she was still stinking up the joint; so, the beautiful one remained still as a statue. then, with ever so much grace and dignity, she rooted in her satchel, produced a ciggie and immediately started puffing away on it. security was called and you know the rest - but at least kathleen got the last laugh! i'm really quite surprised that she didn't return later with a can of gasoline and burn the place down! that boutique really got off easy, i'm telling you..............

baby babble's fanmail column has death rattle

for once, she didn't phone this one in

kathleen sure didn't seem to have a problem pulling out her notepad and pencil for hep parade this week; and it's a good thing too - because with the responses garnered from kathleen, it's a wonder she even has fans at all!

Q: Do you really use cocaine to help you stay up late and crank out deadlines?
A: no - i snort coffee grounds to help me stay up late and crank out deadlines
Q: Is it true that you're on cocaine right now?
A: GO FUCK URSELF - I ONLY DO DOPE, OKAY??????????????
Q: Just how many men have you scared off?
A: 2 MANY; I'M PRETTY SCARY - THE SCARIEST!!!
Q: Are you banging Joey Kiss or is it some sick sort of publicity stunt?
A: WTF - never met him........or his brother
Q: What did you ask Joey to get you for Christmas?
A: some clean needles, a real 90's letterman's jacket from a bona fide varsity jockstrap, cha cha heels, chinese gunpowder tea, a roll in the hay...............
Q: I happen to think you are one smart blonde for landing that cutie pie Joey - what's it like to be his girl?
A: IT'S LIKE CRIMSON + CLOVER OVER AND OVER
Q: Everybody knows that you always make the first move - so, Doll, what did you say to Joey to get him interested in you?
A: CUM WITH ME - I'LL MAKE U FAMOUS
Q: Jimmy Kiss still loves you, whether you give a shit or not.
A: UM OK I'LL BE SURE 2 ALERT THE FUZZ AND GET MY HOT LITTLE HANDS ON A RESTRAINING ORDER
Q: You and Jimmy are star-crossed - stop playing with Joey's heart. Good things come to those who wait and I'm sure Jimmy would wait until the end of time for you.
A: WTF is it with you people? i feel like i'm on another planet! is this a twilight zone episode i missed or what????
Q: I happen to have a babydoll dress from the 90's that I think would be perfect for you - it's purple and blue and in butterfly print. What's an address that I can send it to?
A: i don't like butterflies - just butterfly knives
Q: I know you love sugar - so, what's your favorite type of candy?
A: flying saucers, sour lollies, dusty popping sweets, cherry bootlace, neptune fizz, saturn zingers, ultra-violets, jelly snakes.............
Q: I just read a column that you did for the Pretty People Club Magazine - who knew that you were so intelligent?
A: I'M NOT JUST A CUTE GIRL - I HAVE BRAINS 2
Q: Are you going to have an preface for ☺?
A: yes, and it will go a little something like this : i, the doll of the city of arcadia, in order to form a more perfect piece of fiction, establish long trains of thought about outer space, insure domestic cats, provide for the common criminals, bestow a sense of trust on all habitual cocaine users, promote the generally lost and secure the shit that needs secured; to ourselves and our notoriety, do ordain and establish this constitution of the doll.
Q: How do you think people view you?
A: i know that you all think i'm bad, but really - i'm not
Q: You are a literary prostitute; you are a Satanic bitch with your sadistic way of writing - don't be surprised when all your pretty friends leave you in the dust and your life goes in the toilet.
A: UM I PAY 2 MUCH MONEY 2 BE IGNORED BY MY PRETTY FRIENDS - IT'S THE UGLY ONES I'M WORRIED ABOUT
Q : How does it feel to be back home in Arcadia?
A: ROFL - like taking a bump of ski-blacky off of a key for the first time
Q: Why did you choose the Easy Street Hills to live and not Skid Row? Do you want to live closer to Beau Goodman?
A: O YA RIGHT - IN BEAU'S DREAMS
Q: What's going to be different about the Riot House in Arcadia as opposed to the Riot House in Cielo?
A: one thing : BLOW AVAILABLE BY ROOM SERVICE
Q: You're not the prettiest girl on this planet by far - stop acting as if you were.
A: earth doesn't deserve me - OUTER SPACE NEEDS ME
Q: There's a small print of the same foreign phrase on the back of every issue of the Pretty People Club Magazine - what does it translate to?
A: "THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS"
Q: How do you feel about the fence, now that the media storm following Trotsky's death has lapsed?
A: the less that they know about me - the better
Q: How does it feel to be used daily by everyone you know?
A: WRONG - IT'S THE DOLL WHO DOES THE USING AROUND HERE
Q: If your town car is called 'the Gravedigger,' and your personal jet, 'the Crippler' - what do you call your motorcycle?
A: the iron horse
Q: So, your summer home at 10050 Lonesome Lane in Cielo is nicknamed 'the Love Shack,' and your former home at 312 Skid Row was nicknamed 'the Dollhouse' - have you figured out anything to designate your new home at 1999 Lisbon Drive?
A: YUP - IT'S NAME IS the 1999 KISS CRADLE - you know, like rattles and bibs and night lights when we go to bed
Q: Besides the Wolfman Jack Show, what kind of music do you listen to?
A: the best of the 60's, the best of the 70's and the best of joey singing in the shower
Q: How much do you pay Joey to be seen with you? Everyone knows that you're not really in love.
A: he pays me £21.15 a week - half in cash, the other half in coupons for things like bear hugs and piggyback rides
Q: You and Jimmy obviously had pet names for each other; do you and Joey follow this trend as well?
A: he calls me sticky; i call him biscuits
Q: So, if you call each other 'Sticky' and 'Biscuits' - what do your friends call the two of you?
A: DUH- THE KING + QUEEN OF THE PROM

damn, her column should come with a little glass box that says 'break in case of emergency' and contains a disposable foilie, box of matches and hollowed-out inkpen within. i can barely make it through a whole article without bearhugging my baking soda and aluminum foil and i mean it!

the beautiful one launches the pretty people club magazine

and only the pretty people are allowed to read it!

kathleen held a very ladylike and demure tea party in the ballroom of the arcadian riot house this afternoon to celebrate launching the pretty people club magazine and later on, hosted a celebration at the il coyote country club in the early evening. i'm glad she's learned her lesson - slurp tea with the rich people, your bosses, by day and snort drugs with the kids, your target market, by night.

she announced that not only would she be extending the shelflife of her fanmail column with hep parade  while continuing to write books and star in films, but now heading  the pretty people club as well - ☺ is going to be on the backburner, so she can have time to put the finishing touches on HEP!.

.still, she's the president of the pretty people club now and that includes not weaseling out of highly important presidential duties. and, did i just lose my mind or did the doll seriously promise more fanmail? NO!!!!!! i would rather have a feral alley cat scratch my eyeballs out than read more of that shit!

the best part came during the doll's champagne toast :

"someone asked me why i started my own magazine......i was tired of the suits getting all of the hookers and cocaine..."

LOL. now, even though we all know that the pretty people club is going to have already gone down in flames by the same time next year, i still want to take it upon myself to formally wish kathleen luck on her latest foray. she is so in demand right now that she can barely spit on the sidewalk without some photographer having a conniption fit. besides - i hear ☺ is going to knock us all dead.

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"
Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT
Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me
Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL
Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies
Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up
Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin
Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK
Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high
Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?
Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME
Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am
Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk
Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET
Q: Virgin?
A: whore
Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE
Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????
Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"
Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo
Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far
Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far
Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

the fanmail answers itself nowadays

you've got to hang it to the doll's fans - if they didn't support her, who would? no one, that's who!

and hopefully, for her sake, they can continue to support her, because the beautiful one doesn't have much to do this summer. DIG! was set to premiere in the fall, but kathleen purposely pushed it to the summertime to clear her schedule; ☺ has been put on hold until further notice. other than bothering the riot house staff and answering fanmail, the doll has nothing but time on her hands. speaking of fanmail.....time to suffer!

Q: Missed me, missed me, now you've got to...?
A: MY MOM AND YOUR MOM WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES

Q: I read somewhere that you and Jimmy were secretly married. Is that for real?
A: snot true!!!

Q: Do you use coupons?
A: ROFL

Q: Have you ever done something completely disgusting, just because someone paid you? (Note : heroin doesn't count!)
A: if heroin doesn't count - I DON'T WANNA PLAY

Q: Do you charge admission to your house parties?
A: ....SUCKERS!

Q: No, really. If I come to Cielo, I want to see 10050 Lonesome Lane.
A: that costs money too

Q: Who do you love?
A: i love the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Q: I read once that, during the writing of ☺, you suffered from insomnia. What's the truth in this?
A: I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE

Q: Have you ever had team sex?
A: what's team sex? I'LL WIN.

Q: When you drive, do you drive the speed limit?
A: LIMITS ARE 4 SQUARES

Q: Paranoid?
A: COYOTE

Q: You worried?
A: the doll, worry? IDGAF

Q: Which of Jimmy's features do you like most?
A: BUTT - next question

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: first, cielo - THEN, THE WORLD

Q: If I wanted to take you out for hamburgers - sans the tomatoes - would you let me?
A: i never eat.....HAMBURGERS

Q: This question is for Jimmy Kiss : When you finally leave that eyesore Kat, do you think she'll become a harpy? I do.
A: WHY I OUGHTA - harpy? really? JIMMY'S THE HARPY

Q: Are you happy with your life?
A: i'm happy with death

Q: Wow, I was reading Hep Parade the other day and I saw that you have a copy of the Satanic Bible in your Riot House bungalow. Never figured you for a Devil-worshipper.
A: SATAN'S MY #1 FAN - 666!!!

Q: Beau Goodman, Marynard B. Alberkraut or Jimmy Kiss?
A: beau is garbage, maynard is green - jimmy's the still point of my turning world

Q: Isn't Beau dead?
A: worse - HEMMED UP

Q: Did you break up with Maynard because he doesn't like to party?
A: KRAUT PARTIES LIKE IT'S 1999 - he takes a whiskey sour at the riot house when i'm nice enough to give him drink tickets

Q: Okay - then what is it? Did he not put out?
A: PASS

Q: Sodapop likes to talk about you in the papers like there's no tomorrow - what's one of his dirty little secrets?
A: mother and father used to call him "the mistake" - one time they put him in the oven with the gas on as a young child

Q: God loves you.
A: cod? what cod do you speak of? THERE IS NO COD.

Q: Who is this Loyal character I keep hearing about?
A: LOYAL IS THE DUKE OF PUKE

Q: I don't get it - are the Lost Boys greasers, or are they punks?
A: GREASY PUNKS

Q: What is the Coston Fox?
A: the coston fox is your friend. he lurks nearby lonesome lane, but on coston - THE COSTON FOX LOVES CIELO

Q: You have it so easy - some would kill to be in your shoes.
A: ROFL - some have tried to kill to be in these shoes

Q: Why would anyone, in their right mind, drive all the way up Lonesome Lane?
A: to see the doll of course! JUST GO2 THE END OF THE LANE!

Q: Trotsky seems like the little brother of the 10050 - does he have a nickname?
A: Baby Bear

all i have to say is - harpy.

the doll : "jimmy, who?"

 
IMG_0137.JPG
 

baby babble takes it off for maynard's birthday in hep parade

he was thrown a lavish party last week in cielo - kathleen jumped naked out of a cake - but i juess 'kraut has a birthday that never ends, because a spread featuring a scantily-clad doll ran today in hep parade and jimmy is not feeling it.

luckily, kiss didn't have to whistle for any flashers to come to his corner - they were already there. outside of the doll's lonesome lane home, photographers asked her if she thinks the spread will 'hurt jimmy's feelings,' and kathleen responded with, "jimmy, who?" kiss was last seen with tears streaming down his face. oh well. jimmy should know by now that there's not a black heart like the black, black heart of the black-hearted doll named kat.

outside of the flophouse, where he's been staying since kathleen told him, 'see you - wouldn't want to be you!' - kiss said inbetween sniffles, "i'll see her in hell." well, once the doll finally gets around to writing and releasing ☺, she can go straight to work on JIMMY KISS IS A BIG, FAT CUNT AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS. 

i don't know how much longer i can do this with you, doll

it is time, yet again, to gather 'round and lend your eyes to kathleen. she's been answering her fanmail every other week like a good girl for hep parade magazine and unless you've been hovering over a dusty mirror for the last few months - it's the hottest thing on the block. hep parade has reported a surge in membership and they have even given kathleen a £100,000 raise. i don't get it!
Q: You're still really trying to make this '90s thing happen, aren't you?
A: it's the SUMMER OF LOVE

Q: What is the Summer of Love?
A: there's a lot of 40s, calamine lotion, doobies, heavy metal and freaks

Q: No, seriously - what happened to your jean jacket?
A: it's went back to 1993......PSYCHE!

Q: Punk rock?
A: PUNK RAWK.

Q: Which did you like better : 312 Skid Row or 10050 Lonesome Lane?
A: ROOM 666 @ THE RIOT HOUSE

Q: I read that you and Jimmy are actually married and you have a child on the way - care to comment?
A: i don't read fiction - I WRITE IT

Q: Why do you get thrown out of all the clubs?
A: they throw me out for being too rich

Q: What in the hell is the Riot House?
A: best party in cielo

Q: You're so Generation X.
A: I BELONG TO THE BLANK GENERATION

Q: You know, I really used to like and respect you. When all my cool friends talked badly about you - I would stand up for you. But after you broke up with Jimmy Kiss and ran his name through the mud to make yourself some quick cash - you lost me. I'm sure I'm not the first either. Get it together.
A: Wait a second, wait a second - HOW COOL ARE THESE 'COOL FRIENDS' AGAIN?

Q: Give me 3 words that best describe you.
A: God among mortals.

Q: Is ☺ ever going to be released?
A: NOT TODAY

Q: I think it's sad that you're using film footage of your dead friends for DIG! It must be hard to live with yourself.
A: LIVE FAST - maybe you'll die young

Q: Coke or heroin?
A: foilies - ONLY FOILIES

Q: Even though I'm sure that you'll respond 'NOTHING' - what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
A: dolls!

Q: Why was Jimmy arrested?
A: kiss got hemmed up because he's kiss - NEXT QUESTION

Q: A pool party? Isn't that a little junior high-ish?
A: what's it to you? DON'T BE A FOOL - GET IN THE POOL

Q: I really think you should give Jimmy a second chance. You and Maynard aren't meant for each other. Atticus Finch, really? Really?
A: REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Trotsky has said in the past that you're a "bad influence" on him - specifically that you give him drugs on occasion. What's the hardest drug you've ever given him?
A: MY FACE IS NUMB

my face is numb too - and not in a good way. don't write when you're high on crack everybody!

kathleen hits the disco room

the disco room hits back and baby babble cries alligator tears in cally alley

the doll and her gaggle of pretty people are back in arcadia to paint the town red. and a little bit of the white and ski-blacky, if you know what i'm talking about.

kathleen is not back in her old stomping grounds for pleasure, sadly, but for business - DIG! premiered tonight at the disco room.

DIG! is about the doll and her pretty people. the film was originally going to chronicle the writing process of ☺, but word has it that, recently, the concept changed entirely. critics are expecting footage from her raw public persona, as well a "candid" look at kathleen. candid? i think there's been a typo - they probably meant uncanny.

the moving picture can also be seen for free, throughout the weekend, at the riot house in. tomorrow, the doll will be home and making an appearance at the ceremony being held in cielo. i'm sure she'll be over the moon to be home - the people in arcadia were about as welcoming as a slap to the face.

kathleen, soda, trotsky and maynard b. vanillakraut arrived in arcadia sometime around three and her pretty people got in after five. without skipping a beat, wild honeypie went from the train station to the l'amour and immediately began hitting the hooch. she was supposed to drag her tail to the disco room promptly at six, but didn't stroll in until half-seven.

the film began at eight; there were over five hundred in attendance, with many people lined around the block for hours to get in. a projector and screen were recently installed outside for the premiere, causing most locals to scrap the premiere itself and watch the film from nearby rooftops. sodapop took to overseeing the music after the picture closed, that is, until kathleen stole the mic from him. after pushing the bartender to his moral limit, she stumbled over to the dancefloor and jumped onstage. doing the most appropriate thing she could think of at the time, she launched into her own version of "gimme dat nut." she didn't even make it to the chorus. the doll was booed off the stage without delay by a bunch of grumpy haters. those cunts! when kathleen sings, birds don't fall dead from the trees or anything - choirs of angels join in.

nevertheless, kathleen couldn't take the heat, so she sat on the sidewalk and pouted for a good half an hour, until she walked home with mates. ok, i lied - she was carried home.

but, if you ask me, i still think the best part of the night came when she brought the party back to the 312 - she was going down to the main gates to meet a mate and the flashers started to get on her case about jimmy. they asked if she was planning on visiting him in jail and her response was, "yeah, i'll go see kiss - right after i staple my hands together." meow!

baby babble answers her fanmail

the doll is such a hoot! her latest composition for hep parade magazine has me thinking that she doesn't take anyone - except herself - seriously! if she continues on like this, she won't have any fans left! well, other than myself.

in fact, i'm almost convinced that the beautiful one made up most of these questions by herself. the only one that i'm not sure about is : "I'll be at the Riot House tomorrow - I'll have your eight-ball ready. I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Satan Loves Me."" if that's not jimmy kiss, then i don't know what is!

Q: Do you think Jimmy Kiss still cares about you?
A: i don't think

Q: Are you single now or what?
A: or what

Q: I heard that you fucked for fame - is that true?
A: hey, i heard that too!!!!!

Q: Is the Riot House only for your friends or can normal people stay there too?
A: WEIRDOS ONLY - what is this 'normal' shit?

Q: You always look so gross - when did you get that jean jacket, 1996?
A: ROFL - you are so right, i am so filthy it's disgusting

Q: Are you mean in real life or is that just your reputation?
A: i like being mean.......BUT NOT TO YOU

Q: You know that you're totally going to hell when you die, right?
A: HELL NEEDS ME - heaven doesn't deserve me

Q: You need to clean up your act and quit with the drugs bullshit and find a nice boyfriend - not Jimmy or Beau.
A: LOL WUT - shut up headlock!

Q: What kind of drugs do you want, I can get you anything. I know people who know people - let's party!
A: I WANT THEM ALL - LET'S HUG
Q: I really like your columns for Hep Parade and I can't wait for DIG! and ☺ to come out - what's next after that?
A: ALOTTA FREAKS!

Q: I like what you're doing - we should get together. I can make you famous.
A: talk to my agent

Q: Are you really into the Devil?
A: YES HAIL SATAN 666

Q: Have you ever blown Beau Goodman?
A: i have done blow with him - LOL FOILIES!

Q: You really do like your heroin, don't you?
A: not enough

Q: No one care about anything you do - you mean nothing.
A: LOL WUT

Q: How fun is the Riot House on a scale of 1-10?
A: there is no scale for disco

Q: Is Disco all you play at the Riot House?
A: no, we also play punk rawk, doo wop do wop, heavy metal, polka and funk - why? WHAT'S IT TO YOU? WRITING A BOOK OR SOMETHING?

Q: I'll be at the Riot House tomorrow - I'll have your eight-ball ready. I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Satan Loves Me."
A: no one loves you - NOT EVEN SATAN

Q: Did you love Jimmy Kiss?
A: i don't love

Q: Do you really roll your own doobies? I thought you would have someone for that...
A: ROFL - if the doll were a country, rolling up doobs would be the national pastime

Q: Who is @heavyhorse?
A: well it's most definitely not JOEY KISS

Q: What's your favorite thing to do in Cielo?
A: DO SPEEDBALLS COUNT?? LOL

Q: Do you have any friends?
A: no, i pay trotsky, ludo and maynard to hang out with me

Q: So, let me guess, you're just one of the average Cielo airheads, right?
A: no - ABOVE AVERAGE

this is why i love her! she tells the best jokes.

wild honeypie answers her fanmail

and it's a wonder she even has any fans at all!

because summer is right around the corner, i naturally assumed that the doll would be gearing up for the season by burying herself in a bottle of booze - but i would be wrong! instead of speedballing speedballs, kat's been at her hep parade office every. goddamn. day. i don't even like jokes, so i'm not kidding. she's supposed to be writing her book, so you know she's doing everything but.

instead, she's been working her fingers to the bone.....answering her fanmail. and from the sounds of it, she's not going to have many followers left once they read her replies.
i shit you not - katty cakes is a straight up bitch!

Q: Why do you do the things you do?
A: fais rentrer les euros

Q: What's your favorite thing about the 312?
A: the fact that you can't come there!

Q: Yeah? I'm glad I'm not there, loser!
A: me too. I AM A LOSER. i hope the tears pouring down my face short-circuit the keyboard, so i never have to deal with garbage pails like you anymore!

Q: How long is Jimmy's penis?
A: "well, how long's a piece of string?"

Q: Where's the strangest place you've ever had sex with Jimmy?
A: UNDER YOUR BED

Q: Who is Cool Breeze?
A: someone i blowed and did blow with

Q: Why cocaine?
A: because heroin was more expensive that go-around

Q: Why heroin?
A: why not? who is this - HEADLOCK?

Q: What is your new book about?
A: daisy chains, the devil and big, black leather boots, whips and denim jackets - pink lipstick and tattoos

Q: Is Jimmy Jewish?
A: well, he is circumcised if that's what you're angling at

Q: How come you get away with everything you do?
A: if you had as much money as i do, you could get away with anything too

Q: Besides, "Baby Babble," does Jimmy have any other pet names for you?
A: WILD HONEYPIE

Q: What do you call him?
A: MUD - my little spoonful of sugar

Q: Do you love Jimmy?
A: I DON'T LOVE

Q: What is Jimmy's favorite thing that you make him?
A: it's called "IT'S A SURPRISE" and i make it for him every night

Q: Who makes more money - you or Jimmy?
A: jimmy baked the bread and i brought home the bacon

Q: Those close to you say that what is reported in the newspapers is completely false and that the articles printed in the magazines are dead on - but all the things printed in the papers mostly come from Sodapop's mouth - so, which is it?
A: LOL - who said they were close to me?

Q: Is Sodapop your real brother?
A: no, he was adopted as a baby. don't tell him, though, it'd break his little heart.

Q: What's the most drug-riddled club in Arcadia on a Saturday night?
A: 312 SKID ROW, ARCADIA - but don't come, because you're not invited

after reading this, i've come to the conclusion that kathleen needs better fans. now, with that out of the way - get back to work, doll! asses and elbows! ☺ isn't going to write itself!

nothing gets past the 312

the doll's "spoonful of sugar" sings like a canary!

ever since jimmy kiss smashed the doll's heart quicker than he would a piggy bank full of black-tar heroin, he's been running around arcadia - flapping his lips. for example - today, he filled the fence in on how great the doll was in the sack! kathleen will probably take it badly, but if anything, jimmy did her a favor - she'll be beating the boys away with a stick, starting now!

he led with, "believe what you will, but i'm the only man she's ever been with." yeah, right! he continued by saying, "when she told me it was the first time, i knew anything i did to her she would love, because she had never had anything done to her." gross. "i promise i did it good, too!" i seriously doubt that. please, somebody say he's joking! what in the fuck?

he then told a really super touching story, starring himself, kathleen and a trampoline in a friend's backyard one slippery wet summer night. jimmy said, "it was at a party - we were in the back, smoking a ciggie and she looked at me - she gave me this look. i knew right away what she wanted." he went on, but all i have to say is - a trampoline, really? are we back in junior high again? because, the last time i got down on a trampoline, i still had a locker combination - let's just be real.

after that, kiss went on a tangent about how great he was - beginning with some wild idea that he created the doll we all know and hate. in his little pea brain, he credits himself to giving kathleen her start in "the business." what business? the business of smoking crack and eating ice lollies all day?

jimmy said that his baby babble became famous overnight after he introduced her to his photographer friends. he couldn't be talking about the sleazy, industry flasher buddies who were behind the published photos of katty cakes sprawled out half-nude in what appeared to be a dope house, looking three sheets to the wind, could he? as if! jimmy is the one responsible for creating the doll, yes, but not because of that - it's because he introduced her to his good friends, heroin and cocaine. that's how she got her true start.

speaking of sleazy photographer friends - the same gang will be shooting a film on katty cakes, entitled, DIG! to be released in the late summer, around the same time as her book. and yes, i do believe they are releasing it in the summer of never, because ☺ will never be finished!

jimmy brought the attention back on him and wrapped up his tour down memory lane by presenting the flashers with love bites and scratches on his back, as well as polaroids from kathleen naked - doing everything from swimming to housework. if that's not class, i don't know what is. he made some other comments worthy of a good eye-roll, but i can make a long story short better than he can - the doll loves sex, but she loves drugs more! she likes to go at it all night long and is into kink. slap her around a bit and you won't be able to get rid of her, but tell her to call you "daddy" and she'll be gone before you can try to take it back!

honestly, jimmy should have known better - anything you do with the doll, you take to the grave!

and, from the sounds of it, kiss is firing blanks.