tragedy strikes at the riot house!

x

death in the gardens!

the riot house has been shut down until further notice by order of the cielo fuzz, because trotsky plunged to his death early this morning. the autopsy has not yet been made public, but witnesses say that following a long night of snorting and shooting drugs, he scrambled atop the roof to light some leftover fireworks from the freak fest; at some point, he lost his footing and plummeted down to the ground below. his body was discovered by kathleen in the riot house rose gardens before daybreak. trotsky was 21 years old.

the million dollar brat is currently holed up at her 10050 love shack and is absolutely refusing to speak with anyone who is not tied in with the doll camp. the only person to come or leave is headlock, who went to the airport this morning to pick up sodapop cola, kathleen's brother - who was in arcadia, working on a super duper secret job, given to him by his sister. once home in cielo, soda didn't waste time on spilling to the fence and said that trotsky's run-in with police the other night was no drunken twist of fate. after losing his mind from taking too many drugs and fleeing kathleen's lonesome lane home, a concerned headlock phoned the fuzz and informed them that trotsky was suicidal. by the time he was apprehended by deputies, however, he did not appear to want to take his own life - "he was acting like a brat; he just needed to dry out," one officer said. police had no choice but to let him go. soda said that the incident occurred after the doll begged with trotsky to enter rehab, but he snubbed any and all pleas.

he was recently charged with disturbing the peace after a long night with 'bad influence' kathleen. he’s been living, for quite some time, in the guest cottage on the edge of the property and therefore he became the doll's #1 friend and running mate. she even named him as the successor to headlock's position and she also named him in her last will and testament as a beneficiary.

well, trotsky, you were always one of my favorites; you could dance all night on club drugs and still find time to trim the hedges, take phone messages and snort lines with baby babble - here's hoping that you're still disturbing the peace.......up in heaven.

a funeral is expected to be held sometime next week, but neither kathleen nor her people will give any word on the matter. the flashers have even respectfully given up roosting outside 10050 lonesome lane, so we must really have a tragedy on our hands. you know a paparazzo would never put their camera down - even if it was on fire.

R.I.P. trotsky - there will never be another gold-hotpants-wearing caretaker like you.

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"
Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT
Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me
Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL
Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies
Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up
Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin
Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK
Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high
Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?
Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME
Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am
Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk
Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET
Q: Virgin?
A: whore
Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE
Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????
Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"
Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo
Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far
Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far
Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

the freak fest : day two

day two sees mud pits, water hoses and rotten punks razored

the lead singer and other members of the controversial lost boys group were ambushed by a razor and knife-wielding gang backstage last night, after they wrapped their set. sodapop cola couldn't help himself and made a quick statement to the fence - he said that the boys were jumped by the notoriously nasty motorcycle gang, the hell boys.

after a half an hour wait in the medical tent, it was announced that none of the injuries sustained were lethal, but they were all serious. the boys received stitches in assorted locations; rocko suffered from deep facial cuts, loyal had received blows to the head and was mildly concussed and eddie spaghetti bruised a couple ribs. there are fears that the attack was part of a backlash against the lost boys and other dangerous trainhopping gangs, but i wouldn't be surprised if it was just a pissed off concert-goer! imagine this : you shell out £269 for a three-day ticket, only to find that the food and drink prices are outrageous and because of this, everyone is stealing from everyone - not to mention the overcrowding, sweltering heat and insufficient toilets - i'm surprised people aren't roosting! for example, today, after a forty-five minute wait in line, attendees decided to break apart the main pipes that provide water, to douse the rest of those suffering in the middle of the line - this in turn caused the creation of large mud pits.

the medical tents were packed, following an afternoon of crowd violence from the stirred-up freaks. you have the loudmouths and injustice to thank for that - the bands were encouraging kids to be as bad and mean as they possibly could. they taunted festival-goers with such things as, "let's see how many of you can get naked by the end of this song!" and, "this is the freak fest, come on - do something stupid!" it worked and there were many injuries. the unruliness began again when the lost boys took the stage at half-ten - crowds were stirred with their dark and dirty live show; their lionized, illuminated cross pulsing in the dark night.

on a more positive note, there weren't as many complaints about the heat yesterday - kathleen sent workers into town to purchase hoses for which to spray the exhausted audience with. there have been some reports of looting and at least three drug arrests, but the doll's people affirm, "that's to be expected." you know, these promoters aren't the brightest bulbs - there's about seven hundred thousand more kids than there are suits at this festival - if the people rebel, it doesn't really matter who you are.

with that being said, here's the lineup for yesterday, july 14 :

east stage
1:00 - 2:15 PM : the little darlings
2:30 - 4:15 PM : the loudmouths
4:25 PM - 5:25 PM : the liver-spots
5:45 PM - 7:15 PM : the lovelies
7:30 - 8:45 PM : the likely lads
9:05 - 10:05 PM : the lollygaggers
10:30 PM - 12:00 AM : the lost boys
west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : hoes on tour
2:05 - 3:20 PM : injustice
3:40 - 4:40 PM : jiggy with it
5 - 6 PM : kraut
6:20 - 7:35 PM : loud ones
7:55 - 9:10 : mellow yellow
9:30 - 10:45 PM : nightcrawlers

in all, the worst part of today came when the lost boys say their measly lives flash in front of their eyes. the best part of today? during a brief press conference, headlock told the flashers (who have been banned from the event) that, "kathleen misbehaved on the first night and it really broke my heart. she was throwing her knife at people and threatened to impale one of the kids from the gorkholes. i had to take the knife off her backstage." you know, whoever thought it would be a good idea to host a festival and invite a bunch of flower children and lost boys and freaks and pretty people and junkies and gypsies and bikies and punks was totally right on the money. this shit couldn't get any worse!

the freak fest : day one

day one sees "alotta freaks," heavy traffic, and a high of 103°

upon her arrival in monitcello yesterday, the doll was going around telling anyone who would listen; "you know, i read in the newspapers that the state thruway is closed - isn't that far out? that's alotta freaks!"

 sure, sure doll - whatever you say. you're a freak, i'm a freak - we're all freaks.

now, i would love nothing more than to be able to sit her and report that the first night went horribly; it didn't. apart from a few drunk and unruly fans, it went off without a hitch.

with gridlock traffic controlling all main highways entering the festival site, most of the first-billed acts were not able to make it on time. after some clever rescheduling by kathleen and headlock, the music continued on and bands were flown in by helicopter.

beginning promptly at noon and ending early this morning, the lineup for yesterday, july 13, is as follows :

east stage
12:00 - 2:00 PM : the cigarette pack
2:40 - 4:00 PM : the crayola kids
4:30 - 6:00 PM : the coppertone babies
6:40 - 8;10 PM : the coolcats
8:30 - 9:10 PM : the coffin nails
9:20 - 10:20 PM :the chemical kids
10:40 PM - 1:10 AM : katty cakes
1:10 AM - 10:00 AM : the creepy-crawlies
west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : artful dodgers
2:05 - 3:05 PM : bear claw
3:25 - 4:00 PM : capricorn
4:30 - 5:35 PM : dinger
5:55 - 6:55 PM : eagle claw
7:15 - 8:15 PM : frumptydumpties
8:35 PM - 10:05 PM : gorkholes

after the chemical kids finished on the east stage, kathleen took to spinning the wheels of steel until around one in the morning - she then handed it off to legendary house duo, the creepy-crawlies and the music continued until well past dawn. the kids, still going strong, must have been hopped up on drugs and were clearly not feeling the effects of a long day in the sun. good far them. during the doll's set, she spun everything from neo-psychedelic rock to old-time folk tunes; heavy metal, golden oldies and house electro. she played on the east stage, which is decorated with bright, technicolor pop art - complete with cartoon rainbows, clouds and a full day setting on the outside; the interior is painted to be a night sky, with clusters of motley stars and a man in the moon mural. upon taking the wild stage, she brought out a pint and guzzled it in one gulp to the croons of adoring fans below.

the beautiful one did have to stop at one point, though, to yell at one of the technician boys setting up a haughty balloon-and-confetti bomb that was going to explode at the end of her act, because he was stepping on the cords and screwing up the music. the doll wailed, "hey! knock that shit off! they don't like it when you step on their mics! you wanna watch the show from below, pal?"

then, there was an inebriated fan who started to cause trouble within the audience, so the doll tried to distract him - "this next song is called, "love," and it's about, well, love." when he didn't respond to her catch-flies-with-honey routine, she brought ou the vinegar and screamed, "hey! i'm gonna have the bikies beat you up if you don't know it off and scram!"

and, although the doll played last night, she is also the official announcer of the concert and could be heard throughout the day making intermittent announcements. she was behind the microphone for everything, from introducing the tibetan monks - who delivered a goodwill prayer to bring positive vibes and good karma to all - to the good night sign-off, where she read horoscopes from that day's newspaper.

she also gave her daily dose of good advice, when she told the crowd, "hey, if any of you kids out there have a gun in your hand, or under your bed or in your jockeybox or stashed away somewhere secret - go get it and throw it in the nearest trash can. use your brains." knives are cool though.

hopefully her demand is met, because there have been reports of unrest in the crowd. some think that £5 for a bottle of water, £12 for a single slice of pizza and a maximum of only two beers allowed to be purchased at a time - for a steep £15 - it a little ridiculous. well, fuck those cheap bitches! also, the distance from the camping grounds to the stage is 3/4 of a mile - the walk from the east stage to the west stage is a good 30 minutes, so, as a result, most fans are remaining at the larger and more popular east stage, where more of the headlining acts are performing. medical facilities are worried that heat, combined with dehydration and lack of sleep is going to be a problem - not to mention the mosh pits and the drugs and all the other wild things going on.

still, i'm sure everything will be fine....oh, who am i kidding? the freak fest is going to turn into nutball land, just you wait.

oh yeah loyal, get some of that pancake butt

as so cryptically revealed in this week's hep parade magazine, as well as other highly accredited sources, we now know the reason why kathleen is not getting freaky with jimmy kiss anymore - it's because she's getting freaky with loyal the lost boy!

the lost boys, according to street legend, are a pack of young, greasy trainhopping punks who roam the streets in search of the wayward american dream. they busk for their dope dinner, possess only the clothes on their backs and if you believe the word around the campfire, they are here for the doll. she gave them a regular gig at the riot house every tuesday. there are rumors flying around that they will help her and the pretty people create a festival to take place sometime during this summer.

now, even though jimmy has moved all of his worldly belongings - two trilbies, a pair of black denim jeans and his most-cherished dinger - back into the love shack, that does not mean she's still his baby babble. she proved that last night after she let loyal get to second base. hey, she's not sharing needles with jimmy anymore - she's a free agent.

the best part of the night came at the riot house nightclub - flashers have been pressuring the doll all week to come clean about her relationship with loyal. she must be tired of all the bullying, because she took the opportunity to say, "well, he did give me his knife - since the piggies took mine away," and then she pulled her knife out from the sheath on her hip. you know none of those photographers were the least bit scared; kathleen's had them knocking on death's door more times than few.

and, that knife isn't the only thing he gave her - someone forgot to mention the addition of one filthy, stinking bandanna to her wardrobe, which she proudly decided to sport last night like some sort of cute necklace, when it was anything but. hopefully she decides to retire this look soon, or else...

the beautiful one goes to nutball land

accidentally stabs mate on the way there

it was kathleen who put in a frantic telephone call to cielo police last night, informing officers that they needed to send an ambulance straightaway, after she stabbed her mate "on accident." yet, today, she laughed the fence off and told them that, "the knife slipped away from me."

her friend, real name unknown - nickname 'loyal' - recently began working at the riot house, thanks to kat, as a bartender. he also runs with the greasy underground rough-and-tumble gang, the lost boys. the lost boys are in town to work with the doll - they currently have a gig every tuesday night at the riot house.

now, loyal was invited to the 10050 love shack last night for the free blow and a "small get-together between close friends," but ended up being kathleen's latest victim! don't worry, though - loyal won't be pressing charges anytime soon; for, this morning, fresh from the hospital, with his arm draped around the doll's shoulders - he asked the timeless question, "how could you be mad with a girl so beautiful?"

so, the story supposedly goes, kathleen had a few too many speedballs - just kidding - it was too many whiskey sours and she was fooling around with her knife, when loyal gives her the go-ahead to "playfully" stab him. bad move, loyal. clearly he wanted to die.

moving right along - kathleen stabs him. she told the fuzz that she didn't cut him deep and she made sure that she got him in the side, "the safest place to knife someone." earth to doll, there is no safe place to knife someone! i know you have major experience with knives, but i didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - you're not fooling me.

naturally, loyal had his own knife and the pair continued their dangerous game for about twenty minutes or so. the doll stopped to take a break and headed to the main house for a drink - this is when guests found him on the lawn, in a pool of blood, completely unconscious. and this is why i never go to any of her parties! coke and knives - sounds like a blast. NOT!

all i have to say is - where was headlock during all of this? he used to drag kat's ass out of the bar by her hair and flush her blow down the john if she gave him any lip. nowadays, whenever she fucks up - he's nowhere in sight! or he basically tells the papers that he saw it coming. total bullshit, right?

like today, he told the front pages that, "she's had that knife for a long time - longer than i can remember. she used to carry it in a sheath on her hip. the first night i worked for her, she pulled it out and was playing with it in front of me. she asked, 'does this make you nervous?' she's tried to stab people more times than i can count on my fingers, so, honestly, this comes as no big surprise to me." see? totally sold her out on a dime.

kathleen is the sunshine kid

baby babble and her spoonful of sugar are hitting the road!

kat and kiss are going on tour! why, you ask? i think the more important question is : THOSE 2 ARE BACK TOGETHER? oh lord jesus help us.

yup, kathleen somehow talked her way back into jimmy's pocket. word has it, she showed up outside of jimmy's cardboard shack on the street last night and lied through her teeth made a bunch of empty promises to get him back. i guess it worked, because today hep parade magazine announced 'the sunshine tour'. tickets will be on sale online starting next week. i'm sure those two will paint the skid row neighborhood red. and a little bit of the brown and white, if you know what i mean.

in the rider, the troublesome doll rather ridiculously demanded;

one (1) roadie who speaks decent french, bad german and even worse english. he must not be afraid of death. also, he needs to be comfortable with:
1.) headlock - headlock will be his right hand man. this may seem obvious, but take it from me - he is not a people person.
2.) china white, needles, wadded-up pieces of tinfoil and getting arrested - this is all we do.
3.) sodapop - sodapop will talk at will. feel free to ignore him totally or carry your own earplugs.
demands:
security; we will be requiring the use of three (3) intensely loyal security persons - who don't mind looking the other way if certain situations should arise - to be stationed at the entrance of the dressing rooms. yes, three men, preferably built like brick shit-houses, to stand menacingly outside the doors. please also note that during the crawl, we will have extra persons with us - no police, thanks.
parking; this is skid row and kathleen and her people will require parking passes for at least seven (7) cars on the dar of the crawl.
dressing rooms; three (3) comfortable dressing rooms will be required. one for trotsky and sodapop - as well as the production crew of DIG!
*the kisses will require the exclusive use of the dressing room for the entire day and night of the gigs. the doors should lock and the rooms should have the ability to be temperature-regulated by the occupants. there must also be a 120-volt electrical service in each. this means a really janky-looking wall socket that's already got three things plugged into it. for our friends from france.
1.) silver tea service would be the best. i suppose you could provide a kettle or a coffee machine if you like, otherwise i'm sure there's a café nearby. and if there isn't - this is god, telling you to open one.
2.) two (2) packs of playing cards. in case jimmy wants to do some card tricks - or kathleen wants to hold a quick game of strip poker.
the kisses;
fresh ginger, honey, lemons and a knife sharp enough to stab jimmy kiss with. and some chinese gunpowder tea so we can blow the joint up. kidding! i doubt you'll be able to find chinese gunpowder tea at this time of year.
an english language newspaper
a bucket of ice, for champagne
a box of tinfoil
2 bottles each: grey goose or belvedere
jamison whiskey
martell cognac
1 case each: heineken
banana bread beer, brewed by our friends from england
coca-cola, in bottles, with cane sugar
ribena juice boxes
2 boxes of rough rider condoms
assorted candy (saturn zingers, flying saucers, raspberry bootlace...)
1 carton each of camel blue, parliament full flavor and light american spirit cigarettes.
*i'd just like to say that the next time that i, the sunshine kid, gets booked, if my rider is not totally satisfied, i will show up at the venue three hours late and won't go on until my needs are met.
*and no wimping out every night after a few drinks. the sunshine kid will frown upon this as the tour motto now is "blood in, blood out."

the fun, fun times for her.

and, it sounds like sodapop will be joining in for the hijinks as well! hopefully the kisses cut him out of all the action, because you know the second that the tour is over, soda's going to go make some real money with the newspapers. i am convinced that sodapop should get a device installed in his body, so that when the fence needs ideas for cover stories, they can just stick a couple of quarters in him and he'll spit on out. it's pretty much the same thing he does now, only with less mechanics involved.