the summer of death claims another

a couple more deaths and we can put a calendar together

well, it looks like the pair of black death overalls kathleen donned for her mates' funerals after the 312 bloodbath will have to be brought out from collecting mothballs; for, her buddy tim bob has passed onto the happy hunting ground in the sky.

after slamming a couple of armfuls of heroin and guzzling a bottle of booze, he collapsed on the floor of his flophouse hotel room - where he eventually stopped breathing. he was discovered by staff on thursday. his death has not officially been ruled by police yet, but it is said to be a suicide. those close to him told the fence that, ever since the freak fest, he experienced heavy symptoms of anxiety following the amount of publicity he received. young and impressible, he became succumbed by the spotlight.

kathleen gave an informal eulogy outside of her house today and pretty much said that tim bob was her hep parade intern and that, yes, she knew he was a writer at the time of the freak fest. she also said that she suspects foul play in his death and will be in contact with the fuzz.
detective kiss has put his theory out there too - he told police that hep parade had hired men kill tim bob, in an effort to keep kathleen out of jail, because he "knew too much" after spending several months conducting interviews with her for an article he was writing....that, to my knowledge, never came out.....and was separate from the article he wrote about the freak fest.....hmm...

in response, baby babble retorted that kiss is as dead to her as tim bob. okay, she didn't, but that comment alone made it sound like she wanted to and was biting her tongue and rolling her eyes in his general direction the whole time.
anyways, rest in peace tim bob.

i will never forgive that wet mop!

jimmy kiss is at the top of baby babble's shitlist

somebody needs to keep jimmy kiss out of my sight, because if i ever see him i will slap that trilby right off his goddamn head and not even think twice about it! i'm sure that he's all melancholy and everything now that rumors are flying around about his younger brother and former girlfriend are getting hitched - but how dare he smash up kathleen's shit! that selfish asshole should have mailed it to me! i would have personally paid for all of his crackrocks next year.

after jimmy's hanukkah from hell, he returned to the 312 to find a box of the doll's junk - having been mailed from cielo - sitting on his porch. instead of doing the human thing and having it forwarded to her new address in the easy street hills, he took a baseball bat to the box. in doing so, he smashed kathleen's original, rare and signed-in-lipstick copies of her entire riot grrrl music collection. along with her LPs, he created a small bonfire and burned his collection of the doll's unpublished drafts and notes - which kathleen affirmed that he stole - from her books throughout the years, including the yet-to-be-released ☺.

can you believe that shit? it's like jimmy has surpassed his wet mop days and reverted back to a state of junior high school. the middle kiss brother is certainly winning his way into satan's 9th circle of hell - hitler, cassius, brutus and judas iscariot are probably super duper proud of lucifer's #1 son right now.

okay, and i don't mean to always be the one to slaughter the pink elephant in the room - but jimmy really needs to get the net! he and the beautiful one broke up ages ago, WTF? he must have been high off his ass on black tar when he thought that he even had so much as a snowball's chance in hell of getting kathleen back - watching the two together at hanukkah, behaving like the happy campers that they are, nearly sent him running for the razorblades.............and not in a doll-over-a-dusty-mirror kind of a way, either.

in closing, baby babble, you now have my permission to put an evil curse upon jimmy kiss' head; and, i promise i won't even make fun of you or try to burn you at the stake or anything. do something really bad - like, make it so he can never find a vein to shoot up with ever again. wait......that could be a good thing if you think about it. fuck it, instead of a curse, let's just put a price on his head and get some old-fashioned homicide going. i'm sure that the mean, old boogieman with a limp from the arcadian trailer park will do it for £699, no cash down.

get a room already!

kathleen and joey are seriously driving me batty - they are always attached at the lips! i know they've been dating for a couple of months - which, mind you, is years in doll time - but they're worse than a damn junior high school couple! i've never seen more hand holding, lovebites and piggyback rides in my life! and i haven't ralphed more, either.

the doll and her young kiss have taken to staying at one of the small studio flats above the disco room nightclub on cally alley for the time being, until their easy street hills home is available. they will also be staying with joey's family for hanukkah - jimmy is going to be there too and i'm sure he'll be rapid-fire speed dialling the arcadian suicide hot line throughout the entire holiday.

if you can't tell excited jimmy is, listen to what he told one of the flashers outside of the 312 - where kathleen has graciously allowed him to live since she can't stand him - upon receiving the scoop that the doll was cut in on hanukkah, "honestly, i don't give much of a shit, myself. my ma asked me to be there and out of the kindness of my heart, i'm going to do it. not for kathleen, or my brother - for my ma." out of the kindness of his heart? is that supposed to be a joke?

once the doll caught wind of this, she chimed in and said, "jimmy's just mad because i was invited and his mother won't let him bring his latest sick, skanky excuse for a girlfriend. too bad, so sad." LOL, what a bitch. it's a step in the right direction though - she had to disconnect herself from joey's lips long enough to make such a nasty statement.

the doll should really withdraw from her sniper position opposite jimmy's bedroom window - everyone knows that he's not going to show up for the holiday anyways. and, if he does he'll either be high and drunk the entire time - or drunk and high - and be shunned from the family at once. if jimmy manages to grace kiss manor without fresh track marks, you know that the shit will hit the fan - trust. especially now that kathleen and joey can't knock off the heavy petting! them of all people should know how sensitive jimmy is. he can't handle the thought of the two necking, let alone actually witnessing the act. that would be the end of jimmy kiss as we know it. i'm just saying that it would be in poor taste of the doll to be mean to jimmy, as he is so close to the edge..............of jumping off a cliff!

all jokes aside, she really does need to put herself in someone else's dirty, heroin-smoke stained ballet slippers for once.

more junior high shit

dollface makes kiss cry, he leaves her; she says "sorry"

there is something going seriously wrong with the world if the doll is apologizing to a kiss, but i got that correct. now, remember how a couple of days ago, the two got in a knock-down-and-drag-out fight because the doll wanted to take speedballs until her eyes stopped, dropped and rolled in the back of her head? sure you do. well, that same night, the young kiss packed up his makeup and curlers and said, "see ya!" to kathleen. he was planning on forgetting all about her, until kathleen did the unthinkable and asked forgiveness of him. word has it that the row started because joey doesn't approve of kathleen taking drugs and caught her red-handed trying to score some off her dealer. busted! in her defense, joey should have known what noose he was slipping over his head - no one tells kathleen what to do and lives to tell the tale!

well, no one except joey apparently. the doll tracked him down at - surprise, surprise - the flophouse with big brother jimmy and presented him with a heartfelt "sorry." joey took one look at jimmy and then a quick glance around his flophouse room and said to kathleen, "apology accepted - let's hid the road, babe!" the two have been together ever since and probably will be for a couple more days until the next disagreement.

i mean - and i'm not saying that world war kat will surely be waged again - let's just hope that is there is a next time, joey will handle it a little better. he could stand to learn a thing or two from his brother - jimmy took his doll-approved beatings like a champ.

and, if joey kiss thinks that he'll be the one to change the beautiful one, he can save it! some say he's even dropped the dreaded 'r' word to katty cakes! don't even make me laugh - she'll go to rehab when pigs sprout wings and make a sty out of the clouds.

jimmy kiss and not-kathleen

as if being dumped by joey and trotsky's untimely death wasn't enough for kathleen to process, jimmy kiss has gone and found someone new to hold hands with! and no, it's not the white lady. her name is gibby bastien and she is the sister of, well, duh - abbie bastien = trotsky = gib's brother. and no, they didn't meet at the funeral; that would be funny though....

jimmy met gibby though rudy rubideaux, the prosperous nightclub and hotel entrepreneur; rudy just recently opened the club de luxe and also assisted kathleen in the opening of the riot house - but gibby "isn't in the business," jimmy said. get this - she's a librarian. he also said that she doesn't even do drugs! WTF? surely this shit will never last. i give it one hot minute before jimmy starts trying to smoke, snort or slam everything in sight.

now, i'm sure somewhere in the back of the doll's little pea brain, she's always figured that jimmy would come crawling back sooner or later to wash her feet with his tears, but this gibby character completely blows that theory to shit. the beautiful one was informed of this sordid romance by - no surprises here - the flashers. they told her that gibby was going around to the fence and badmouthing baby babble, saying evil things like, "she really did a number on my baby," and, "jimmy wouldn't touch kathleen with a ten-foot pole now; he was really hurt."

okay, doll, it's time to break out your magic witch potions and lotions - there's a dumb slut running around cielo that is just asking to have a hex put on her. now, let's break it down : first of all, gibby, jimmy kiss has been kathleen's baby since the thirteenth of forever - don't get it twisted. and, oh yeah, i'm sure that jimmy really hurt when katty warbucks dried up and stopped shelling out the dough for his every want and need!

the funny thing is, after the reporters told her about jimmy and his new girl, kiss tried to pull a fast one when he went over to the 10050 to pick up some of his leftover junk - he had the audacity to bring gibby with him! wild honeypie wasn't fooled and insisted that headlock do something about it - or else she, her shovel and her .45 would. so, when headlock strolled down to the main gates to let them in, he told jimmy, "oh, i'm sorry, we must have forgotten to tell you - you can come in, jimmy, but your trash will have to stay on the curb with the rest of the garbage." LOL! even old headlock still knows how to make kiss blush. jimmy left in a huff shortly thereafter, settling the score to jimmy : 0, kat :1..

and, is it just me or are jimmy and the doll still in love with each other? i mean, jimmy's new meal ticket / girlfriend bears an uncanny resemblance to a certain beautiful blonde doper that we all know and worship. i'm just saying - i think baby babble has an evil twin running around cielo and she's simultaneously banging jimmy kiss. then again, the million dollar brat was getting busy with his younger brother, joey, who looks exactly like him. and i mean exactly - from the glazed-over, heroin-induced look in his eye to the trilby atop his head.

in other doll news, the pretty people club president announced during a radio interview that she's afraid to sleep at the riot house now. evidently, the last time she did, she had a nightmare about trotsky. now she believes his ghost to haunt the property and thinks that he keeps her up all night. i know, i think kathleen is full of it too - it's just an excuse for all that speed tea she drinks. it was during her cokey babble, though, that she revealed she would be locking up trotsky's suite in the hotel - which, believably and unbelievably is room number 69 - and throw away the key. i'm sure trotsky would have done the same thing if he could be in her situation, but you know jimmy wouldn't! the second that the doll flatlined, kiss would be out on the bethel strip, trying to hock bootlegs of her latest book or offer to let people take photographs with her corpse.

if you ask me, i think it's about time that we close the book on jimmy kiss. he and his low-rent, tap water high school version of kathleen can pack up their crackpipes, trilbies and knockoff kinderslut dresses and hit the road!

here we are again

and so soon

i hate to say this, but i really can't wait until hep parade tells kathleen, "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" once and for all, because this fanmail shit is for the birds.
you know the doll, though; she has always been quite the bitch and hardly appreciates her fans. speaking of, get out your reading glasses and get ready for another ascent to outer space, courtesy of our one and only baby babble!

Q: Do you really think that you'll still be relevant in 10 years?
A: no, from what i've been told, i've proved that underground literature is a bankable commodity - THEY WON'T NEED ME 4EVER

Q: Isn't it funny that Jimmy's new girlfriend looks just like you?
A: O YA - THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

Q: Did Jimmy really replace you with Trotsky's sister?
A: LMAO!!!!!!! YA RIGHT! restraining order

Q: I heard Jimmy Kiss recently took a foray into the music business. How does this make you feel?
A: like killing myself - jimmy kiss singing makes birds fall dead from the trees

Q: Oh yeah? Well I also heard that he's doing a show in Arcadia at the Disco Room soon.
A: IS THAT SO? WHEN AND WUT TIME??? I'LL HAVE THE FUZZ WAITING IN CALLY ALLEY 4 HIS LOSER ASS!

Q: Since when did you start on all the Jimmy Kiss hate?
A: SINCE 4 EVER. DUH.

Q: What's the last thing you said to Jimmy?
A: you can eat shit for all i care...

Q: I love you.
A: JOEY'S GONNA BE SO MAD

Q: Did you ever go to your high school prom?
A: OF COURSE NOT - 2 UGLY

Q: What would you describe yourself as?
A: LIFER

Q: Did Jimmy teach you the term 'lifer?'
A: ROFL - HE WISHES

Q: Do you drive drunk?
A: only always - me sober attracts too much attention

Q: Quick! Go to your window right now - how many photographers are outside your house?
A: LOL - 1 FLASHER, 2 FLASHER, 3 FLASHER....when i'm alone i count myself - ONE DOLL!

Q: I have some blow - I'll be at the Riot House, in room 234, under the name of 'Kurk Crowbar' - can you meet me there on Monday?
A: BLOW? I LOVE BLOW. WUT TIME????

Q: Let's meet at midnight - wear all black.
A: U GOT IT

Q: Will you ever marry?
A: WHO WOULD WANT 2 MARRY ALL THIS??? I SUCK

Q: What's with the outer space talk? You start going to astronaut school or something?
A: i dropped out of astronaut school - besides, i've already been to the moon and looked down on the earth; UR NOTHING IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN 2 SPACE

Q: Go ahead and sign with Hep Parade because your latest boyfriend works there - they just want to make a quick profit off of you.
A: PROPHET = PROFIT

Q: So, if you are what you eat, then what does that make you - nothing?
A: OOOH GOOD ONE

Q: How's the heroin from Cielo compare with the heroin from Arcadia?
A: IT'S MORE DOPE

Q: I've followed you're entire career and noticed one thing - you have no friends that are female. What is with this?
A: THERE'S NOT ROOM ENOUGH FOR 2 QUEEN QUNTS IN THIS TOWN

Q: I've heard that you have terrible vision and been in more accidents than you can remember - how do you still have a license?
A: IDK - sometimes i can't even see signs until after i've passed them. IS THAT BAD?

Q: Where do you believe your appeal truly lies?
A: IN OUTER SPACE, DUH - no, i believe it's because i truly DGAF

Q: Whatever happened to Sodapop? Did you finally shut him up?
A: LOL I WISH - he's still kicking around somewhere....probably chasing some tail

Q: I was informed that you only make a mere ten thousand a day. Am I wrong, or are you in the poorhouse now?
A: U WERE ILL INFORMED - i make a million a day

um, what - the poorhouse? please. she makes boatloads of cash as it is, what with all the gibberish she scribbles out. the doll has made her fortune off of plenty of different things over the years : books, columns, death threats to beau badman, essays, jimmy kiss' eulogy, speeches, shit that nobody understands...why would she be in the poorhouse? i mean, the bandanna was one thing, but she's since given that up for a super sweet denim jacket from 1993 that joey handed down to her. duh.

and, if i could direct this towards sodapop - you know he's chasing a gaggle of flashers around, trying to get some kind of story published. it's either that or he's dead, because there's nothing that can shut him up.

oh yeah loyal, get some of that pancake butt

as so cryptically revealed in this week's hep parade magazine, as well as other highly accredited sources, we now know the reason why kathleen is not getting freaky with jimmy kiss anymore - it's because she's getting freaky with loyal the lost boy!

the lost boys, according to street legend, are a pack of young, greasy trainhopping punks who roam the streets in search of the wayward american dream. they busk for their dope dinner, possess only the clothes on their backs and if you believe the word around the campfire, they are here for the doll. she gave them a regular gig at the riot house every tuesday. there are rumors flying around that they will help her and the pretty people create a festival to take place sometime during this summer.

now, even though jimmy has moved all of his worldly belongings - two trilbies, a pair of black denim jeans and his most-cherished dinger - back into the love shack, that does not mean she's still his baby babble. she proved that last night after she let loyal get to second base. hey, she's not sharing needles with jimmy anymore - she's a free agent.

the best part of the night came at the riot house nightclub - flashers have been pressuring the doll all week to come clean about her relationship with loyal. she must be tired of all the bullying, because she took the opportunity to say, "well, he did give me his knife - since the piggies took mine away," and then she pulled her knife out from the sheath on her hip. you know none of those photographers were the least bit scared; kathleen's had them knocking on death's door more times than few.

and, that knife isn't the only thing he gave her - someone forgot to mention the addition of one filthy, stinking bandanna to her wardrobe, which she proudly decided to sport last night like some sort of cute necklace, when it was anything but. hopefully she decides to retire this look soon, or else...

mary, mary, quite contrary

to popular belief, kathleen and jimmy kiss are not knocking boots anymore

are you kidding me?? even though kathleen dumped maynard b. 'kraut like a hot bag of stones, attached herself to jimmy's lips and allowed him to move his garbage back into the love shack - that doesn't mean that the two kisses are doing the shaky horizontal bone shuffle.
outside of the 10050 today, one of the flashers went to extremes to get the beautiful one's attention, by yelling, "is it true that you're pregnant with jimmy's baby?"

well, after the doll took a mental note of what the flasher looked like and which dark alley she was going to meet him down later, she yelled back, "pregnant? and just what gave you that idea?"

the flasher then asked, "aren't you back with kiss?"

kathleen then responded, without missing a beat, "when it comes to kiss and i, it's been real and it's been fun - but it hasn't been real fun." HUH. WHAT.

now, don't get me wrong - any day kathleen and jimmy call it quits should be made a global holiday, but i don't think that really applies here. they've been doing this dance for years now and until i see some tears, blood and squad cars out front of the 10050 - i'm not buying it.
jimmy, of course, took off on his 'no, we really are in love' tour, but the damage was done. besides, everyone knows he walks on eggshells around the doll - she writes his checks and he's in for the long haul.

the doll : "jimmy, who?"

baby babble takes it off for maynard's birthday in hep parade

he was thrown a lavish party last week in cielo - kathleen jumped naked out of a cake - but i juess 'kraut has a birthday that never ends, because a spread featuring a scantily-clad doll ran today in hep parade and jimmy is not feeling it.

luckily, kiss didn't have to whistle for any flashers to come to his corner - they were already there. outside of the doll's lonesome lane home, photographers asked her if she thinks the spread will 'hurt jimmy's feelings,' and kathleen responded with, "jimmy, who?" kiss was last seen with tears streaming down his face. oh well. jimmy should know by now that there's not a black heart like the black, black heart of the black-hearted doll named kat.

outside of the flophouse, where he's been staying since kathleen told him, 'see you - wouldn't want to be you!' - kiss said inbetween sniffles, "i'll see her in hell." well, once the doll finally gets around to writing and releasing ☺, she can go straight to work on JIMMY KISS IS A BIG, FAT CUNT AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS. 

the party never stops with the sunshine kid

the beautiful one gets loaded, takes disco nap - continues bender by jumping on cars and acting like a nut
DOLL : BOOZE :: JIMMY : WET MOP

kathleen exceeded all of our expectations last night and showed that she had moved on from her split with 'bad dream' jimmy kiss as she enjoyed a boozy night out with new boyfriend, maynard b. alberkraut. she logged some important hours at the riot house before continuing her tour of the streets - she ducked into a corner shop to buy candies and, no surprises here, more booze! the drinks were the on the doll last night as she sauced with close mates until around half-three in the morning, when she took the party to her lonesome lane home, where it would continue until well after sun-up.

i think the best part of the night came when the flashers caught up with her and she tried really, really hard to pull it together.

"i'm the doll and i'm at the speakeasy on bedlam way? no, no i am not. wait - yes i am. okay, everyone is shaking their heads at me. what is it? where am i? cally road? doesn't matter - i'm here....and you're not! losers!"

she was totally dedicating that last part of the message to kiss - it just feels right.

after the fence got all of the above on film, sodapop came in to save the day and, after throwing kathleen over his shoulders like a small child, flipped the bird to the cameras and hauled her away.

oh, and the flashers got some super slippery wet pictures of kathleen and maynard swapping spit. gross! gee, maynard, i hope you know that kissing baby babble is the direct equivalent of slamming an armful of dope. jimmy could handle it, but i don't think you have what it takes.

speaking of jimmy, he crawled out of his hole to call the doll a "disgrace" after he drunken antics were well-documented in the press. he said that she should be "ashamed" of herself for carrying on in such a way. this shit is worse than high school! it's not like he's any prize! he can go back to crying ski-blacky tears and walking hand-in-hand in the gutter with beau at anytime now.

and, even though kiss has been on his soapbox, letting everyone know that he'll "never forgive" the beautiful one, he told flashers today, "i miss her - i just can't stay mad with her!" too bad he didn't add LOL at the end of that - i would have!

he wrapped with, "i'd do anything to call her 'baby' again." well....just about anything. i'm willing to bet that if it involves giving up the white or brown lady, then probably not.

let's just say that is in the near future, the headline 'KRAUT SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES NOW' is run, we'll all know who to point the finger at.

beau badman is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

last night, kathleen and jimmy were having one of their usual knock-down and drag-out crackhead fights about beau, when the doll decided to run away from kiss and go join the badman himself in a fog of cocaine dust once and for all. only problem was - when she showed up outside the tin shack he calls a home, she busted him red-handed getting busy with another girl! cue the waterworks.

she told sodapop that she saw him through the window and when she tried to the open the door to start the slaughter, it was locked. the windows must have also been bulletproof as well, because you know she came back with a loaded gun. so, she sucked up what guts she had left and stumbled home to save the homicide for another day.

.......just kidding! wild honeypie started banging on his door until he answered and then she beat him with a frightening-looking four-fingered ring that had an uncanny resemblance to brass knuckles. she fucked up his face, stomach, ribs and back. that's right, sister! you tell him. if he takes a sledgehammer to your heart in front of god and everybody - well, then you just take a sledgehammer to his face and send him the bill!

the girl beau was banging behind kat's back ran out the door and hasn't been heard from since. that's because kathleen and sodapop totally paid her a little visit and her new address is : in a hole, beneath your feet, the middle of nowhere.

now, when i first heard this news, i couldn't believe my eyeballs, but the doll is backing all of it. she said that, "beau goodman is a plague to arcadia and i will do all in my power to drag his name through the gutter at every opportunity i find. i simply cannot wait for him to die, so that i can spit and dance on his grave." no, she didn't say the last part, but i'm sure she is planning on it.

oh and the fuzz did come to beau's easy street home to calm the situation down, but didn't arrest kathleen, because she said beau put his hands on her initially. damn! she's getting better at dealing with the pigs. i know this isn't her first time at the french opera, but she has definitely learned from her last fifteen stints in jail. the officers immediately took their mean mugs off of the doll and settled them on beau. they tackled and arrested him faster than baby babble could squeal, "get him!"

i imagine she won't be pressing charges, though, since she's his #1 fan. she'll probably just let him dry out in the can for a couple of days to scare the shit out of him. i say she should leave beau to rot in there forever and do the world some good! he's with his kind now.

they're kiss until the death...

...or at least until they break up

now, no one will confirm shit - not even loose lips sodapop - but i suspect that jimmy has left katty cakes like a hot bag of rocks on front street for, well, for a lot of reasons. and who can blame him? the doll is the president of the worst girlfriend ever society and wrote the rulebook. i'm just saying. but to dump someone on their birthday?? unforgivable!

jimmy totally believed the doll's lies when she said that she and beau weren't shacking up while he was in jail, but she just had jimmy in a cloud of coke smoke and was bewitching him with promises of smoochy-wooches and kissy-wisses. it was all a sham! as soon as beau was arrested, the doll immediately ran to his side and that didn't sit well with jimmy. now that beau is out of jail thanks to the doll's hard earned cash, kiss finally threw up his hands and left the doll on the curb for, "beau to pick up the pieces." zing!

jimmy kiss is serious and even changed his address from : kathleen's pocket, 312 skid row, arcadia, to : one of the small squats above the disco room nightclub for £65 a week, cally alley, arcadia. he's far enough away from the doll for her to miss him, but close enough in case she decides that she wants him back.

with jimmy out of the way, kathleen now has lots and lots of time to do important shit, like kick it with beau, slam heroin, finish the next bible, guzzle hooch, sew sodapop's mouth shut, foilies and smoke her weight in doobies. sounds like her life is going to be great without kiss! what's the problem?

and, for what it's worth - those two will be back to shooting each other up in no time.