the young kisses search for a new pile of bricks

after the bloodbath on skid row, the doll sets her sights on cielo

kathleen feels herself being called to her 10050 lonesome lane summer home, after her house in arcadia was turned into a human slaughterhouse. last weekend, a pack of four crazed followers broke into her 312 fortress, murdered five of her friends and nearly slashed the doll to ribbons. she is not pleased and is currently looking for a new tomb to call home. she will most likely go to her summer haunt, in the city of cielo. in the past, she has called the 10050 her 'love shack.'

"the house in cielo is in primrose canyon and oversees the valley from the lookout mountains. located off a narrow, winding road - there's nothing like it. it's surrounded by lush, thick trees, mountain laurel, bougainvillea and cherry-blossoms - with rose-blanketed fences and a cool spring pool grown over with wildflowers. there are stone fireplaces, high, beamed ceilings - a hayloft, hidden passageways and a secret tunnel that connected to the garage and guest house. it was built in the 1940s by a movie star to resemble a farmhouse in the french countryside, but it looks more twentieth century fox than anything. it is the house on the hill, a faraway place from the real world, where nothing can go wrong. burrowed against the hillside , it is the end-all of hideouts - one that hangs high above the valley, above the clouds."

kiss has mentioned to the papers that he feels the home at 10050 lonesome lane in cielo will be safer for kathleen, given the recent goings-on. no, actually he was talking about how he'll now be able to tell what she's up to at all times, because of some dumb outdoor lamps she put up and down the walkway for parties;

"...you could see her light from 10050 all the way down from lonesome lane - not lonesome lane, but primrose canyon, all the way down to the valley."

known as "the street with a famous reputation," lonesome lane garnered the lowly handle due to the popular locals on the block. sounds like kathleen and her heroin-spoon jimmy kiss will fit right in!
baby babble is said to be relieved about heading to cielo and so is kiss - word around the campfire is, the fuzz told them that since two of the four killers are dead, the remaining suspects will most likely be gearing up for a second attack, seeing as how the first one didn't go so hot. gulp.
word around the campfire is that she'll be headed to cielo next weekend, after she attends the funerals of her friends. sad times. sucks to be her - just saying.

the summer of death claims another

a couple more deaths and we can put a calendar together

well, it looks like the pair of black death overalls kathleen donned for her mates' funerals after the 312 bloodbath will have to be brought out from collecting mothballs; for, her buddy tim bob has passed onto the happy hunting ground in the sky.

after slamming a couple of armfuls of heroin and guzzling a bottle of booze, he collapsed on the floor of his flophouse hotel room - where he eventually stopped breathing. he was discovered by staff on thursday. his death has not officially been ruled by police yet, but it is said to be a suicide. those close to him told the fence that, ever since the freak fest, he experienced heavy symptoms of anxiety following the amount of publicity he received. young and impressible, he became succumbed by the spotlight.

kathleen gave an informal eulogy outside of her house today and pretty much said that tim bob was her hep parade intern and that, yes, she knew he was a writer at the time of the freak fest. she also said that she suspects foul play in his death and will be in contact with the fuzz.
detective kiss has put his theory out there too - he told police that hep parade had hired men kill tim bob, in an effort to keep kathleen out of jail, because he "knew too much" after spending several months conducting interviews with her for an article he was writing....that, to my knowledge, never came out.....and was separate from the article he wrote about the freak fest.....hmm...

in response, baby babble retorted that kiss is as dead to her as tim bob. okay, she didn't, but that comment alone made it sound like she wanted to and was biting her tongue and rolling her eyes in his general direction the whole time.
anyways, rest in peace tim bob.

the beautiful one launches the pretty people club magazine

and only the pretty people are allowed to read it!

kathleen held a very ladylike and demure tea party in the ballroom of the arcadian riot house this afternoon to celebrate launching the pretty people club magazine and later on, hosted a celebration at the il coyote country club in the early evening. i'm glad she's learned her lesson - slurp tea with the rich people, your bosses, by day and snort drugs with the kids, your target market, by night.

she announced that not only would she be extending the shelflife of her fanmail column with hep parade  while continuing to write books and star in films, but now heading  the pretty people club as well - ☺ is going to be on the backburner, so she can have time to put the finishing touches on HEP!.

.still, she's the president of the pretty people club now and that includes not weaseling out of highly important presidential duties. and, did i just lose my mind or did the doll seriously promise more fanmail? NO!!!!!! i would rather have a feral alley cat scratch my eyeballs out than read more of that shit!

the best part came during the doll's champagne toast :

"someone asked me why i started my own magazine......i was tired of the suits getting all of the hookers and cocaine..."

LOL. now, even though we all know that the pretty people club is going to have already gone down in flames by the same time next year, i still want to take it upon myself to formally wish kathleen luck on her latest foray. she is so in demand right now that she can barely spit on the sidewalk without some photographer having a conniption fit. besides - i hear ☺ is going to knock us all dead.

the fanmail answers itself nowadays

you've got to hang it to the doll's fans - if they didn't support her, who would? no one, that's who!

and hopefully, for her sake, they can continue to support her, because the beautiful one doesn't have much to do this summer. DIG! was set to premiere in the fall, but kathleen purposely pushed it to the summertime to clear her schedule; ☺ has been put on hold until further notice. other than bothering the riot house staff and answering fanmail, the doll has nothing but time on her hands. speaking of fanmail.....time to suffer!

Q: Missed me, missed me, now you've got to...?
A: MY MOM AND YOUR MOM WERE HANGING OUT CLOTHES

Q: I read somewhere that you and Jimmy were secretly married. Is that for real?
A: snot true!!!

Q: Do you use coupons?
A: ROFL

Q: Have you ever done something completely disgusting, just because someone paid you? (Note : heroin doesn't count!)
A: if heroin doesn't count - I DON'T WANNA PLAY

Q: Do you charge admission to your house parties?
A: ....SUCKERS!

Q: No, really. If I come to Cielo, I want to see 10050 Lonesome Lane.
A: that costs money too

Q: Who do you love?
A: i love the birds and the bees and the cigarette trees

Q: I read once that, during the writing of ☺, you suffered from insomnia. What's the truth in this?
A: I'LL SLEEP WHEN I DIE

Q: Have you ever had team sex?
A: what's team sex? I'LL WIN.

Q: When you drive, do you drive the speed limit?
A: LIMITS ARE 4 SQUARES

Q: Paranoid?
A: COYOTE

Q: You worried?
A: the doll, worry? IDGAF

Q: Which of Jimmy's features do you like most?
A: BUTT - next question

Q: What's next for the Doll?
A: first, cielo - THEN, THE WORLD

Q: If I wanted to take you out for hamburgers - sans the tomatoes - would you let me?
A: i never eat.....HAMBURGERS

Q: This question is for Jimmy Kiss : When you finally leave that eyesore Kat, do you think she'll become a harpy? I do.
A: WHY I OUGHTA - harpy? really? JIMMY'S THE HARPY

Q: Are you happy with your life?
A: i'm happy with death

Q: Wow, I was reading Hep Parade the other day and I saw that you have a copy of the Satanic Bible in your Riot House bungalow. Never figured you for a Devil-worshipper.
A: SATAN'S MY #1 FAN - 666!!!

Q: Beau Goodman, Marynard B. Alberkraut or Jimmy Kiss?
A: beau is garbage, maynard is green - jimmy's the still point of my turning world

Q: Isn't Beau dead?
A: worse - HEMMED UP

Q: Did you break up with Maynard because he doesn't like to party?
A: KRAUT PARTIES LIKE IT'S 1999 - he takes a whiskey sour at the riot house when i'm nice enough to give him drink tickets

Q: Okay - then what is it? Did he not put out?
A: PASS

Q: Sodapop likes to talk about you in the papers like there's no tomorrow - what's one of his dirty little secrets?
A: mother and father used to call him "the mistake" - one time they put him in the oven with the gas on as a young child

Q: God loves you.
A: cod? what cod do you speak of? THERE IS NO COD.

Q: Who is this Loyal character I keep hearing about?
A: LOYAL IS THE DUKE OF PUKE

Q: I don't get it - are the Lost Boys greasers, or are they punks?
A: GREASY PUNKS

Q: What is the Coston Fox?
A: the coston fox is your friend. he lurks nearby lonesome lane, but on coston - THE COSTON FOX LOVES CIELO

Q: You have it so easy - some would kill to be in your shoes.
A: ROFL - some have tried to kill to be in these shoes

Q: Why would anyone, in their right mind, drive all the way up Lonesome Lane?
A: to see the doll of course! JUST GO2 THE END OF THE LANE!

Q: Trotsky seems like the little brother of the 10050 - does he have a nickname?
A: Baby Bear

all i have to say is - harpy.

the beautiful one holidays with the pretty people

tries to escape 'no-mates' beau badman

kathleen was seen strolling along the beaches this weekend, on the isle of grimaldi, with her best pals by her side. it would seem that beau badman, who spent the weekend cooling off in an arcadian jailcell, is the furthest thing from the doll's mind as she enjoys a relaxing holiday with jimmy kiss, trotsky, brother sodapop cola, new members to the group maynard b. alberkraut, ludo ludovic and the rest of her people in tow. her army of 25+ wandering artists, bikers, punks, gypsies, junkies, flower children and billion dollar babies have been ceremoniously dubbed 'the pretty people' by kathleen and also called "the freaks" by the papers. they all boarded the doll's private jet, the crippler, in arcadia on friday morning and landed before sundown. i could make a joke about wild honeypie being high here, but really i'd rather not.

headlock, who is staying in cielo all by his lonesome, sent trotsky and brother sodapop ahead to watch over the group. these two, along with her pretty people, have reportedly been a "tower of strength" for her, what with the human slaughterhouse on skid row and beau stalking her and everything. you know, because jimmy's not a tower of strength! he's more like a tower of wet rags.

kathleen is the sunshine kid

baby babble and her spoonful of sugar are hitting the road!

kat and kiss are going on tour! why, you ask? i think the more important question is : THOSE 2 ARE BACK TOGETHER? oh lord jesus help us.

yup, kathleen somehow talked her way back into jimmy's pocket. word has it, she showed up outside of jimmy's cardboard shack on the street last night and lied through her teeth made a bunch of empty promises to get him back. i guess it worked, because today hep parade magazine announced 'the sunshine tour'. tickets will be on sale online starting next week. i'm sure those two will paint the skid row neighborhood red. and a little bit of the brown and white, if you know what i mean.

in the rider, the troublesome doll rather ridiculously demanded;

one (1) roadie who speaks decent french, bad german and even worse english. he must not be afraid of death. also, he needs to be comfortable with:
1.) headlock - headlock will be his right hand man. this may seem obvious, but take it from me - he is not a people person.
2.) china white, needles, wadded-up pieces of tinfoil and getting arrested - this is all we do.
3.) sodapop - sodapop will talk at will. feel free to ignore him totally or carry your own earplugs.
demands:
security; we will be requiring the use of three (3) intensely loyal security persons - who don't mind looking the other way if certain situations should arise - to be stationed at the entrance of the dressing rooms. yes, three men, preferably built like brick shit-houses, to stand menacingly outside the doors. please also note that during the crawl, we will have extra persons with us - no police, thanks.
parking; this is skid row and kathleen and her people will require parking passes for at least seven (7) cars on the dar of the crawl.
dressing rooms; three (3) comfortable dressing rooms will be required. one for trotsky and sodapop - as well as the production crew of DIG!
*the kisses will require the exclusive use of the dressing room for the entire day and night of the gigs. the doors should lock and the rooms should have the ability to be temperature-regulated by the occupants. there must also be a 120-volt electrical service in each. this means a really janky-looking wall socket that's already got three things plugged into it. for our friends from france.
1.) silver tea service would be the best. i suppose you could provide a kettle or a coffee machine if you like, otherwise i'm sure there's a café nearby. and if there isn't - this is god, telling you to open one.
2.) two (2) packs of playing cards. in case jimmy wants to do some card tricks - or kathleen wants to hold a quick game of strip poker.
the kisses;
fresh ginger, honey, lemons and a knife sharp enough to stab jimmy kiss with. and some chinese gunpowder tea so we can blow the joint up. kidding! i doubt you'll be able to find chinese gunpowder tea at this time of year.
an english language newspaper
a bucket of ice, for champagne
a box of tinfoil
2 bottles each: grey goose or belvedere
jamison whiskey
martell cognac
1 case each: heineken
banana bread beer, brewed by our friends from england
coca-cola, in bottles, with cane sugar
ribena juice boxes
2 boxes of rough rider condoms
assorted candy (saturn zingers, flying saucers, raspberry bootlace...)
1 carton each of camel blue, parliament full flavor and light american spirit cigarettes.
*i'd just like to say that the next time that i, the sunshine kid, gets booked, if my rider is not totally satisfied, i will show up at the venue three hours late and won't go on until my needs are met.
*and no wimping out every night after a few drinks. the sunshine kid will frown upon this as the tour motto now is "blood in, blood out."

the fun, fun times for her.

and, it sounds like sodapop will be joining in for the hijinks as well! hopefully the kisses cut him out of all the action, because you know the second that the tour is over, soda's going to go make some real money with the newspapers. i am convinced that sodapop should get a device installed in his body, so that when the fence needs ideas for cover stories, they can just stick a couple of quarters in him and he'll spit on out. it's pretty much the same thing he does now, only with less mechanics involved.

nothing gets past the 312

the doll's "spoonful of sugar" sings like a canary!

ever since jimmy kiss smashed the doll's heart quicker than he would a piggy bank full of black-tar heroin, he's been running around arcadia - flapping his lips. for example - today, he filled the fence in on how great the doll was in the sack! kathleen will probably take it badly, but if anything, jimmy did her a favor - she'll be beating the boys away with a stick, starting now!

he led with, "believe what you will, but i'm the only man she's ever been with." yeah, right! he continued by saying, "when she told me it was the first time, i knew anything i did to her she would love, because she had never had anything done to her." gross. "i promise i did it good, too!" i seriously doubt that. please, somebody say he's joking! what in the fuck?

he then told a really super touching story, starring himself, kathleen and a trampoline in a friend's backyard one slippery wet summer night. jimmy said, "it was at a party - we were in the back, smoking a ciggie and she looked at me - she gave me this look. i knew right away what she wanted." he went on, but all i have to say is - a trampoline, really? are we back in junior high again? because, the last time i got down on a trampoline, i still had a locker combination - let's just be real.

after that, kiss went on a tangent about how great he was - beginning with some wild idea that he created the doll we all know and hate. in his little pea brain, he credits himself to giving kathleen her start in "the business." what business? the business of smoking crack and eating ice lollies all day?

jimmy said that his baby babble became famous overnight after he introduced her to his photographer friends. he couldn't be talking about the sleazy, industry flasher buddies who were behind the published photos of katty cakes sprawled out half-nude in what appeared to be a dope house, looking three sheets to the wind, could he? as if! jimmy is the one responsible for creating the doll, yes, but not because of that - it's because he introduced her to his good friends, heroin and cocaine. that's how she got her true start.

speaking of sleazy photographer friends - the same gang will be shooting a film on katty cakes, entitled, DIG! to be released in the late summer, around the same time as her book. and yes, i do believe they are releasing it in the summer of never, because ☺ will never be finished!

jimmy brought the attention back on him and wrapped up his tour down memory lane by presenting the flashers with love bites and scratches on his back, as well as polaroids from kathleen naked - doing everything from swimming to housework. if that's not class, i don't know what is. he made some other comments worthy of a good eye-roll, but i can make a long story short better than he can - the doll loves sex, but she loves drugs more! she likes to go at it all night long and is into kink. slap her around a bit and you won't be able to get rid of her, but tell her to call you "daddy" and she'll be gone before you can try to take it back!

honestly, jimmy should have known better - anything you do with the doll, you take to the grave!

and, from the sounds of it, kiss is firing blanks.