ludo ludovic is welcomed into the pretty people club with open arms

a couple of days ago, after the doll broke headlock's arm, her camp announced that they would be hiring ludo ludovic to temporarily fill his position. today, however, kathleen announced that he would be coming on board permanently and that he would be moving into 1999 lisbon drive - or as it is now fittingly known to this planet and the surrounding galaxies : 'the kiss cradle.' i don't know why she's being so hasty - maybe ludo knows where to score the good drugs in the easy street hills. maybe it's because christmas is coming up in the next couple of days. on the other hand, there's word that it's because his grandmother is a heavyweight in the publishing world and baby babble is manipulating the staff to help her write ☺. funny, because everyone knows that the doll's books are ghostwritten by satan's enslaved sluts; her books come straight from the deep, deep fiery pits of hell and are bound by their charred souls. duh.

now, because ludovic is so young and susceptible to the doll's witchy charms - much like trotsky once was before she eventually corrupted him - the fence is suggesting that she is trying to fill the hole in her heart where trotsky used to live with ludo. kathleen called bullshit on the gossip and said, "no one will ever be able to replace trotsky. with that being said, i found someone to replace trotsky - his name is ludo ludovic." wow, with the way that the beautiful one has been going on and on about trotsky, i wouldn't be surprised if she buried him in the backyard of her home in arcadia. in addition to ludo, she also asked her brother - sodapop cola - to move back in and look after the property. i'm guessing this has something to do with the fact that ludo is built like a girl and soda is built like a brick shithouse.

in other doll news, she was a picture of ladylike behavior today downtown on the arcadian high road. she was shopping at an affluent boutique for all the 'it' people, when one of the shop slaves came up and demanded that she leave! the million dollar brat asked why and the worked said, "because you smell like cigarette smoke." say what?????

i can't believe my eyeballs, but i'm sure i read that right. no one calls the doll smelly and lives to tell the story! anyways, i guess the kid told kathleen that she needed to vamoose, because she was still stinking up the joint; so, the beautiful one remained still as a statue. then, with ever so much grace and dignity, she rooted in her satchel, produced a ciggie and immediately started puffing away on it. security was called and you know the rest - but at least kathleen got the last laugh! i'm really quite surprised that she didn't return later with a can of gasoline and burn the place down! that boutique really got off easy, i'm telling you..............

the doll makes a futile attempt to kill headlock

joey buys her motorbike as early christmas gift; she nearly maims headlock with it

a couple of weeks ago, while the doll and her young kiss were on holiday in grimaldi, joey came across a vintage motorcycle being peddled by a real live greaser and knew that he just had to buy it for baby babble. when joey called and had it rerouted to their new easy street hills home in arcadia, it ended up arriving earlier than expected; so, joey decided to let kathleen open it early. i think we all know where this is going...............

within moments of turning the key to 'on,' she had totaled the bike - with headlock riding bitch. a frantic joey rushed the two to hospital. kathleen is fine - she'll probably outlive us all - but headlock broke his left arm, wrist and cracked a rip as well. while she was talking to doctors, she confessed that she hadn't eaten all day long, took some quaaludes and guzzled a couple of drinks before the crash, sure, but she wasn't tipsy. um, only a couple drinks? come on, doll, don't kid yourself! try a couple bottles. and quaaludes? where did you manage those from? a time capsule from 1974? she also told headlock that he should have known that he was driving her to drink.....and drive.......

her brother told the papers that, not to worry, baby babble's camp had already sent for ludo ludovic - trotsky's old rent-boy - to replace grandpa headlock until he feels better. they also contracted out the help of a specialist to repair kathleen's broken motorbike. okay, can someone please give me a good reason as to why in the fuck are they fixing the 'cycle back up? that thing is a deathtrap and if the million dollar brat isn't careful, she'll be the next asshole walking into hospital with a broken arm - or worse.

speaking of which, i'll bet headlock wishes that day would come sooner rather than later - because katty cakes was a straight up bitch to him while he was hurting. the doll said that she was seconds away from demanding a prescription-strength bullet in the head and ending it all, since headlock wouldn't shut the fuck up! she said that he was in so much pain and crying like such a skirt that is was "tear-jerking to see him in such a state." and by that, kathleen of course means that she thought long and hard about suffocating him with one of the hospital's flatter-than-cardboard pillows. i say, in her defense, she's a writer - not a nurse. caring about people isn't part of her gig.

hopefully, for her sake, while the doll was in hospital she asked for a quick vitamin transfusion - because she is beginning to look a little on the ratty side yet again. on the other hand, it could be for the reason that the million dollar morphine brat conned the doctors out of a couple of narcotic pain injections for her on the low-low. sodapop joked to the press that is made his sister so loopy, she started dancing in the hallway of the emergency room until she fell down and passed out for a little disco nap. to that i say - damn! kathleen needs to get me the street name of that shit.

get a room already!

kathleen and joey are seriously driving me batty - they are always attached at the lips! i know they've been dating for a couple of months - which, mind you, is years in doll time - but they're worse than a damn junior high school couple! i've never seen more hand holding, lovebites and piggyback rides in my life! and i haven't ralphed more, either.

the doll and her young kiss have taken to staying at one of the small studio flats above the disco room nightclub on cally alley for the time being, until their easy street hills home is available. they will also be staying with joey's family for hanukkah - jimmy is going to be there too and i'm sure he'll be rapid-fire speed dialling the arcadian suicide hot line throughout the entire holiday.

if you can't tell excited jimmy is, listen to what he told one of the flashers outside of the 312 - where kathleen has graciously allowed him to live since she can't stand him - upon receiving the scoop that the doll was cut in on hanukkah, "honestly, i don't give much of a shit, myself. my ma asked me to be there and out of the kindness of my heart, i'm going to do it. not for kathleen, or my brother - for my ma." out of the kindness of his heart? is that supposed to be a joke?

once the doll caught wind of this, she chimed in and said, "jimmy's just mad because i was invited and his mother won't let him bring his latest sick, skanky excuse for a girlfriend. too bad, so sad." LOL, what a bitch. it's a step in the right direction though - she had to disconnect herself from joey's lips long enough to make such a nasty statement.

the doll should really withdraw from her sniper position opposite jimmy's bedroom window - everyone knows that he's not going to show up for the holiday anyways. and, if he does he'll either be high and drunk the entire time - or drunk and high - and be shunned from the family at once. if jimmy manages to grace kiss manor without fresh track marks, you know that the shit will hit the fan - trust. especially now that kathleen and joey can't knock off the heavy petting! them of all people should know how sensitive jimmy is. he can't handle the thought of the two necking, let alone actually witnessing the act. that would be the end of jimmy kiss as we know it. i'm just saying that it would be in poor taste of the doll to be mean to jimmy, as he is so close to the edge..............of jumping off a cliff!

all jokes aside, she really does need to put herself in someone else's dirty, heroin-smoke stained ballet slippers for once.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

i have no doubt that trotsky is going cartwheels in his grave right now. he was the doll's sidekick and doubled as her ultra-femme advisor; and as her advisor, i know he would have advised her in the opposite direction, especially if it was anything that included the words 'jimmy kiss' and 'permanent' in the sentence.

if you ask me, this come as a total sucker punch to my windpipe; i mean, i had heard around the campfire that kathleen and joey were having some issues - i suspected it was because of jimmy rubbing his second rate, wannabe doll girlfriend in kat's face - but she has got to be fucking kidding me with this tattoo shit!

the fence reported that the pretty people club luminary wandered onto the arcadian high road last night and waltzed into the first tattoo shop that she could see. the artists inside refused to tattoo her, as she was blackout drunk - a result of logging some important hours at the club de luxe with drinking pal and lost boy rocko j. nasty - so, she began throwing money at them until they ultimately agreed to ink her. okay, i'm lying - she flashed them until they ultimately agreed to ink her with what will now be known as the dumbest tattoo......ever.

joey was blindsided by the news - just like me - but still pretty pleased with himself that he's since kicked the doll to the curb; and he let the whole world know about it. the young kiss must have been taking lessons from captain loose lips himself, sodapop, because he told the fence that the doll screws with his head on a regular basis and that her shitty choice of a tattoo isn't the first time that she's intentionally done something to hurt his feelings. joey revealed that a little over two months ago - while jimmy was still haunting the 10050 - he woke up late in the doll's bed, only to realize that kathleen had disappeared! fearing the worst, he reached for his trusty shotgun - WTF? - and began to search the house. it was upon stumbling into the guest bedroom - where jimmy was rooming - that joey discovered his brother and kathleen locked in a steamy conversation and gazing deeply into each other's eyes. they also may or may not have been sharing a bottle of wine. feeling like his heart had been smashed into a hundred little pieces with a sledgehammer; you know joey stared long and hard at that shotgun before he put it away. he claims that he now considers the memory a bygone one, but i say he's full of it - i'll bet joey's voice was breaking the entire time he was participating in his own open-air therapy session with the press. he's a kiss - this he cannot change - being a wet mop is in their blood, it's as simple as this.

okay, i think i should switch back to making fun of the doll right now. i'll put it this way, unless she's trying to put some kind of witchy spell on jimmy via tattooing his own name on her flesh - i'm not interested. that shit just howls : laser removal, big mistake and wrong.

the doll's favorite number is 666

kathleen and satan, sitting in a tree.....

because halloween is like doll christmas - or as she calls it, free candy day - baby babble wanted to get in the spirit and spruce up her 10050 love shack with some super duper spooky decorations.

she must have sent trotsky to the death metal store, though, because he came back with shit like upside down crosses, pig's heads and other products that just screamed lucifer. he also picked up some lights, which kathleen "harmlessly" arranged in a pentagram. yeah, harmless if you worship the devil! her neighbors felt this way too; for, a couple of hours after wild honeypie turned the lights on for the first time, telephone calls began to pour in, demanding that she take down her halloween decorations. even some bitchy crab apples from the high road claimed that they could see her homage to halloween and were extremely offended. let's try extremely full of shit - the city is so polluted from the doll's coke smoke that you couldn't see a star in the sky from the high road, let alone a string of lights on the doll's lawn. much to my delight, kathleen's only answers to her neighbors' pleas were, "no," and, "go fuck yourself," - i'm sure that both replies were equally enjoyed by the outraged citizens.

this all took place last night, so understand baby babble's alarm when the same small fraction of the community were still outraged and took to the fence, saying shit like kathleen is nothing but a dirty witch and the only reason that she has made so much money with her writing is because satan is guiding her hand, of course! but let's keep it real - the witch part is probably true. now, even with all of the highly convincing arguments from the kooky residents of cielo, the beautiful one was adamant and refused to change the lights. actually, i take that back. in response to the public outcry, she offered to swap the display from a pentagram to writing '666' in her lawn. always with the jokes, that girl.

the people of cielo need to smoke some of kathleen's shit and calm the fuck down; you know that after halloween is over, she'll have the display moved regardless - where would all of her houseguests sleep?

katty cakes is a stage five wreck at cosmic charlie's outer space costume ball

celebrates "free candy day" early and with lots of class, ass and grass

kathleen took joey as her plus one to cosmic charlie's cosmic disco for a halloween party and really made me proud - she was naked all over the place, loaded and, at one point, was sitting up on the roof throwing water balloons at the fence. she must have either been drunk and stoned - or on a serious sugar high.

.....but this isn't what has people talking. her plummeting goddamn weight is what has people worried!

now, in her defense, she eats! she eats all the time. the other say i saw her hog down a whole eight-ball lemonade ice lolly, a handful of popcorn and then, she binged and had three pieces of bubblegum to herself. she's a total pig, i'm telling you. let's be real though, people dream of having a body like like the beautiful one's - willowy and sleek, like an unlit matchstick.

dressed for the ball, her costume was...um, i don't know what. i think she started out as a gothic 90's cheerleader and, by the end of the night, was, um, a half-naked gothic 90's cheerleader. joey played it safe as a greaser, which was very touching in its own respect - he even dyed his peroxide-blonde-wannabe-loyal locks back to classic kiss brown for the event. trotsky and ludo were too cool to wear costumes, as were the lost boys; except for loyal - who dressed as a ghost, opting for the time-honored design of a white sheet with holes cut out for the eyes and mouth. you know he only did it to hide his face from shame - and to hide the tears streaming down his faces when he saw the gothic cheerleader and the greaser dirty dancing on the like it was nobody's business!

kathleen tried really, really hard to be good, but the doll got the best of her and it wasn't long before she was up to her usual shit. the trouble all started when some mates clambered to the roof of the club to smoke a cigarette and finish their drinks without the bother of the party below. once the flashers realized this and started snapping away, kathleen called down to trotsky and told him to run to the nearest shop. she demanded he buy some water balloons, fill them up and bring them up to her. trotsky responded with, "yes, your majesty," and within twenty minutes he was back, balloons at hand. the sunshine kid and company began launching the goods at the fence, causing them to disperse. shortly after this, kathleen came down from the roof, got naked and began running around the cosmic disco. eventually, she was threatened to be kicked out by security, after she lit up her three-hundredth doobie of the night.

that's cute, but no one tells wild honeypie what to do! she stomped outside with her arms crossed, told the flashers that she was getting out of the "square ball" as fast as her ballet slippers could carry her and that she was appalled people could be so "heartless", especially so close to "free candy day," of all days! like she's anyone to talk - she has a 'for rent' sign where her heart used to be. nevertheless, the greaser and the half-naked gothic cheerleader tossed photographers the middle finger, clambered in the back of the gravedigger and went back to the 10050 where they belong.

the beautiful one slashes herself up

not even innocent house windows are safe from the wrath of kat!

kathleen was hospitalized at half-three this morning after she cut her wrists and forearms trying to open a window at her cielo manor. the 10050 is a much older haunt, so when she went to slide the window up, 'it shattered under her force.' okay, first of all, what is it with her and glass? it's like anytime she comes into contact with something that can get broken, it does get broken. secondly, the doll operates on photosynthesis for her "strength," let's not kid ourselves.

trotsky had to drive her in the recently renovated gravedigger to hospital, as, needless to say, headlock and jolly roger were too busy holding hands somewhere else. kathleen sustained ample cuts and received a handful of stitches. i'm sure she also talked the doctors out of some pain meds too. either that or she had trotsky kipe some.

the doll was released back into the streets at around five in the morning. before she headed back to the 10050 for a quick disco nap, she hit up - yes, you guessed it - the bar! trotsky made a quick detour to the riot house for about forty-five minutes, the beautiful one leaving with drink in tow. i'll be she's going to have a super duper day. when she got back home, she shared some of her good mood with the press. when the flashers quipped, "ouch, doll, those cuts sure look like they hurt," kathleen retorted, "i love pain."

now, she can tell everbody that she was trying to open a window all she wants, but i know she was trying to off herself. let's be honest - she's beyond overdosing and this whole affair reeks of suicide attempt gone awry. quick! someone get her some xanax and an upbeat tempo, stat!

in other baby babble news, i am happy to report that she finally sobered up and ditched that nasty bandanna. at last! she must have returned it to the homeless, meandering drunk transient she obtained it from in the first place. i'm so proud of you - welcome back, doll.

the beautiful one goes to nutball land

accidentally stabs mate on the way there

it was kathleen who put in a frantic telephone call to cielo police last night, informing officers that they needed to send an ambulance straightaway, after she stabbed her mate "on accident." yet, today, she laughed the fence off and told them that, "the knife slipped away from me."

her friend, real name unknown - nickname 'loyal' - recently began working at the riot house, thanks to kat, as a bartender. he also runs with the greasy underground rough-and-tumble gang, the lost boys. the lost boys are in town to work with the doll - they currently have a gig every tuesday night at the riot house.

now, loyal was invited to the 10050 love shack last night for the free blow and a "small get-together between close friends," but ended up being kathleen's latest victim! don't worry, though - loyal won't be pressing charges anytime soon; for, this morning, fresh from the hospital, with his arm draped around the doll's shoulders - he asked the timeless question, "how could you be mad with a girl so beautiful?"

so, the story supposedly goes, kathleen had a few too many speedballs - just kidding - it was too many whiskey sours and she was fooling around with her knife, when loyal gives her the go-ahead to "playfully" stab him. bad move, loyal. clearly he wanted to die.

moving right along - kathleen stabs him. she told the fuzz that she didn't cut him deep and she made sure that she got him in the side, "the safest place to knife someone." earth to doll, there is no safe place to knife someone! i know you have major experience with knives, but i didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - you're not fooling me.

naturally, loyal had his own knife and the pair continued their dangerous game for about twenty minutes or so. the doll stopped to take a break and headed to the main house for a drink - this is when guests found him on the lawn, in a pool of blood, completely unconscious. and this is why i never go to any of her parties! coke and knives - sounds like a blast. NOT!

all i have to say is - where was headlock during all of this? he used to drag kat's ass out of the bar by her hair and flush her blow down the john if she gave him any lip. nowadays, whenever she fucks up - he's nowhere in sight! or he basically tells the papers that he saw it coming. total bullshit, right?

like today, he told the front pages that, "she's had that knife for a long time - longer than i can remember. she used to carry it in a sheath on her hip. the first night i worked for her, she pulled it out and was playing with it in front of me. she asked, 'does this make you nervous?' she's tried to stab people more times than i can count on my fingers, so, honestly, this comes as no big surprise to me." see? totally sold her out on a dime.

and it's like nothing ever happened

here we go again

it's the summer of love and kathleen recently found herself choosing between maynard b. alberkraut and someone who could be easily confused with a wet mop. jimmy just got out of the slammer a couple of minutes ago - in something he calls a 'mixup' - and even though kathleen didn't take any time out of her super, super busy schedule of eating candies, sunning in a bikini, slugging down booze and chasing the dragon to see him behind bars, word around the campfire has it that you can now call her jimmy's girl again. she even allowed him to move all his shit - a couple of trilbies, a pair of winklepicker boots and an old iron maiden LP - back into the 10050 love shack.

good! i'm glad. i was never a chairholding member in the i love 'kraut committee. ok, maybe a little at first, but by the end, he had me asleep.....to death, i'm telling you!

there were two major turning points. firstly, kathleen went to the hep parade magazine offices yesterday morning to dot some Is and cross some Ts - she told them that maynard was a 'stunt' and that she's happily back snorting lines off of jimmy's butt again. ok, she didn't say the last part, but she was thinking it. a stunt? well, she sure had me going. i wish i were smarter.

secondly, jimmy told the front pages something today that truly made me cringle madly deeply, "she's the one - i want my ring on her finger." he's only said shit like this one other time - he got trashed in arcadia without kathleen and got lost on the streets. the fuzz somehow caught up with him and offered kiss a ride home. only problem was - he couldn't remember where the hell he lived! he told them, "you know, the house with all the flashers out front, trying to catch a glimpse of my bride." turns out he was just super verschinckered, because the next day, the doll just laughed and laughed the story away. in response to the rumor that jimmy started today, kathleen said, "no! not even on a bet!"

still, it sounds like he wants to marry her......or something. you know, he'd have a better shot at her accepting if he proposed with a ring made of candy - or black tar heroin. oh, and if he had the money to buy one. jimmy's pockets have been mighty empty since the beginning of time.
now, no one - not even loose lips sodapop - will confirm, but i believe that kathleen and maynard are finally done. i heard that the doll was tired of trying to make "boring" 'kraut get outside of himself. for example, tame maynard mostly liked to lie around in bed and read books and be a goody-goody, whereas kat and kiss used to take their breakfast cereal with champagne instead of milk; they'd throw television from hotel windows, smash glass and cut themselves up with it - no one wanted to come anywhere near them! not even headlock!
so what if maynard b. opened doors for her and lit her cigarettes? kiss lights her crackpipe and goes to jail for her. that's what love is really about.

i don't know how much longer i can do this with you, doll

it is time, yet again, to gather 'round and lend your eyes to kathleen. she's been answering her fanmail every other week like a good girl for hep parade magazine and unless you've been hovering over a dusty mirror for the last few months - it's the hottest thing on the block. hep parade has reported a surge in membership and they have even given kathleen a £100,000 raise. i don't get it!

Q: You're still really trying to make this '90s thing happen, aren't you?
A: it's the SUMMER OF LOVE

Q: What is the Summer of Love?
A: there's a lot of 40s, calamine lotion, doobies, heavy metal and freaks

Q: No, seriously - what happened to your jean jacket?
A: it's went back to 1993......PSYCHE!

Q: Punk rock?
A: PUNK RAWK.

Q: Which did you like better : 312 Skid Row or 10050 Lonesome Lane?
A: ROOM 666 @ THE RIOT HOUSE

Q: I read that you and Jimmy are actually married and you have a child on the way - care to comment?
A: i don't read fiction - I WRITE IT

Q: Why do you get thrown out of all the clubs?
A: they throw me out for being too rich

Q: What in the hell is the Riot House?
A: best party in cielo

Q: You're so Generation X.
A: I BELONG TO THE BLANK GENERATION

Q: You know, I really used to like and respect you. When all my cool friends talked badly about you - I would stand up for you. But after you broke up with Jimmy Kiss and ran his name through the mud to make yourself some quick cash - you lost me. I'm sure I'm not the first either. Get it together.
A: Wait a second, wait a second - HOW COOL ARE THESE 'COOL FRIENDS' AGAIN?

Q: Give me 3 words that best describe you.
A: God among mortals.

Q: Is ☺ ever going to be released?
A: NOT TODAY

Q: I think it's sad that you're using film footage of your dead friends for DIG! It must be hard to live with yourself.
A: LIVE FAST - maybe you'll die young

Q: Coke or heroin?
A: foilies - ONLY FOILIES

Q: Even though I'm sure that you'll respond 'NOTHING' - what did you eat for breakfast this morning?
A: dolls!

Q: Why was Jimmy arrested?
A: kiss got hemmed up because he's kiss - NEXT QUESTION

Q: A pool party? Isn't that a little junior high-ish?
A: what's it to you? DON'T BE A FOOL - GET IN THE POOL

Q: I really think you should give Jimmy a second chance. You and Maynard aren't meant for each other. Atticus Finch, really? Really?
A: REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Trotsky has said in the past that you're a "bad influence" on him - specifically that you give him drugs on occasion. What's the hardest drug you've ever given him?
A: MY FACE IS NUMB

my face is numb too - and not in a good way. don't write when you're high on crack everybody!

jimmy kiss hemmed up at 10050 love shack

streets are now a little safer

kiss was popped today, right out front of the lonesome lane home he used to share with the doll, having just returned from retrieving his belongings. oh, and he might have 'borrowed' a few crack rocks from kat's personal stash. hey! now, i know what you're thinking, but he at least wrote one of his famous IOUs. the 's' clearly stands for shit, because he will never get around to paying her back.

jimmy wasn't arrested for violating his restraining order - surprise, surprise - he was arrested for simple possession of marijuana. bummer, i was expecting a felony.

the beautiful one has been unavailable for a comment on her sleazy ex, as she is currently redecorating her recently acquired farmhouse in monticello - some say she's in hiding since kiss wouldn't take a hint and some say she's avoiding the cielo police force as the word is they will be investigating over a bunch of leads about the riot house being a haven for drugs, gambling and all sorts of other illegal activities. please! they aren't going to do shit. the police will start investigating the riot house right after they get on their magical unicorns and fly off to planet never.

if you ask me, the fuzz should just do themselves a favor and keep jimmy's cell ready at all times. it's only a matter of time before he gets thrown in the clink again. i mean, you know he's got a 'home, sweet home' plaque on the wall; his slippers are in the corner and there's a shelf he built for his best trilbies.

i really should stop all the kiss hate. compared to 'kraut, he's a total live wire. it's like the doll's the vein and jimmy's the needle. together, they're the ultimate combo, but apart, it's just not the same. besides, maynard is about as thrilling as vanilla ice cream.

the party never stops with the sunshine kid

the beautiful one gets loaded, takes disco nap - continues bender by jumping on cars and acting like a nut
DOLL : BOOZE :: JIMMY : WET MOP

kathleen exceeded all of our expectations last night and showed that she had moved on from her split with 'bad dream' jimmy kiss as she enjoyed a boozy night out with new boyfriend, maynard b. alberkraut. she logged some important hours at the riot house before continuing her tour of the streets - she ducked into a corner shop to buy candies and, no surprises here, more booze! the drinks were the on the doll last night as she sauced with close mates until around half-three in the morning, when she took the party to her lonesome lane home, where it would continue until well after sun-up.

i think the best part of the night came when the flashers caught up with her and she tried really, really hard to pull it together.

"i'm the doll and i'm at the speakeasy on bedlam way? no, no i am not. wait - yes i am. okay, everyone is shaking their heads at me. what is it? where am i? cally road? doesn't matter - i'm here....and you're not! losers!"

she was totally dedicating that last part of the message to kiss - it just feels right.

after the fence got all of the above on film, sodapop came in to save the day and, after throwing kathleen over his shoulders like a small child, flipped the bird to the cameras and hauled her away.

oh, and the flashers got some super slippery wet pictures of kathleen and maynard swapping spit. gross! gee, maynard, i hope you know that kissing baby babble is the direct equivalent of slamming an armful of dope. jimmy could handle it, but i don't think you have what it takes.

speaking of jimmy, he crawled out of his hole to call the doll a "disgrace" after he drunken antics were well-documented in the press. he said that she should be "ashamed" of herself for carrying on in such a way. this shit is worse than high school! it's not like he's any prize! he can go back to crying ski-blacky tears and walking hand-in-hand in the gutter with beau at anytime now.

and, even though kiss has been on his soapbox, letting everyone know that he'll "never forgive" the beautiful one, he told flashers today, "i miss her - i just can't stay mad with her!" too bad he didn't add LOL at the end of that - i would have!

he wrapped with, "i'd do anything to call her 'baby' again." well....just about anything. i'm willing to bet that if it involves giving up the white or brown lady, then probably not.

let's just say that is in the near future, the headline 'KRAUT SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES NOW' is run, we'll all know who to point the finger at.

wild honeypie alleges that her 312 doll manor is "haunted"

insists that she saw ghosts roaming the grounds

the good doll has been living at 312 skid row for almost six years and yet she might be packing up and moving out soon. she's convinced the property is haunted.

baby babble just recently got back together with jimmy kiss, who is going to be spending lots and lots of time at work in party-haven mulholland. his schedule will have him away from home for about a month - which leaves kathleen getting drunk and high by herself. it's no wonder she recently told hep parade that she's been thinking of moving! the doll recanted one of her typical 312 nightmares for the magazine:

"i was alone at the house one night, asleep, when something woke me up. i'm not confident in what it was, but it seemed like every noise in the house had me spooked. i was just so afraid. i sat up in bed and while i was looking around the room, i suddenly became aware of someone standing in the doorway - it was a creepy-looking woman. she walked towards me and sat right at the foot of the bed. i slipped on my robe and made a mad dash out of the bedroom. as i headed down the stairs, i stopped dead in my tracks. there, at the foot of the stairs, was the same woman - but this time she was more frightening. she had a rope around her neck and a slashed throat. then, oddly, as soon as the vision had come - it was gone. i poured myself a stiff drink, convinced i'd seen a ghost. the 312 is haunted, i'm sure of it."

you know the people of arcadia are thinking, "nicely played - kat : 0, ghosts : 1."

it's dollface - enough said

katty cakes beats heroin snots out of beau badman, tells fuzz "i didn't know i couldn't do that" - the laughs can still be heard echoing in space

i'm absolutely positive now that kathleen was absent on the day they taught "treat others how you would like to be treated" in kindergarten - unless, of course, she does like to have her face smashed into the pavement on a regular basis - because i am tired of having to write about the doll stomping some ass! shit's ridiculous.

last night began normally - the doll was hitting the sauce at the l'amour bar and restaurant like usual with jimmy, when she stepped outside for a smoke. okay, she, jimmy, trotsky and anyone else who wanted to come, stepped outside for a doobie break. kathleen was busy hotboxing the gravedigger, when sodapop knocked on the window and warned her that beau badman was in the house. notes from fuzz on the scene state that the fight started when beau approached the gravedigger. it was on! kathleen pushed jimmy out of the car and began to lay the smackdown on beau. by the time she finished, there was blood all over the car, her dress and the concrete. the report went on to say that she slammed his head into a window and hit him until sodapop and jimmy could peel her off. i'm sure somewhere in there it also mentioned how she was chasing the dragon during all of this. she's like an octopus - she can beat beau badman with one hand, shovel snow up her nose with another and write down ideas for her next book, all while smoking a cigarette.

as she was being hauled off in the paddywagon, she howled her world-renowned line, "if i ever see you again, you're dead!" only, i seriously doubt that because he was arrested also for...well, for being beau badman. and, like usual, as soon as beau was in custody - he started singing like a canary! he told the officers that this wasn't his first time riding the doll beatdown rollercoaster with no safety bar and that he feared for his life. i would too - no one fucks with jimmy's wallet aka kat. all she had to say was, "i'm sorry, officer, i didn't know i couldn't do that." the handcuffs dissolved instantly into a pile of glitter and the doll was free!

outside of her skid row palace this morning, she hushed the naysayers with, "i don't know if you've ever mixed heroin and cocaine before..." no, she didn't, but you know she wanted to!

nothing gets past the 312

the doll's "spoonful of sugar" sings like a canary!

ever since jimmy kiss smashed the doll's heart quicker than he would a piggy bank full of black-tar heroin, he's been running around arcadia - flapping his lips. for example - today, he filled the fence in on how great the doll was in the sack! kathleen will probably take it badly, but if anything, jimmy did her a favor - she'll be beating the boys away with a stick, starting now!

he led with, "believe what you will, but i'm the only man she's ever been with." yeah, right! he continued by saying, "when she told me it was the first time, i knew anything i did to her she would love, because she had never had anything done to her." gross. "i promise i did it good, too!" i seriously doubt that. please, somebody say he's joking! what in the fuck?

he then told a really super touching story, starring himself, kathleen and a trampoline in a friend's backyard one slippery wet summer night. jimmy said, "it was at a party - we were in the back, smoking a ciggie and she looked at me - she gave me this look. i knew right away what she wanted." he went on, but all i have to say is - a trampoline, really? are we back in junior high again? because, the last time i got down on a trampoline, i still had a locker combination - let's just be real.

after that, kiss went on a tangent about how great he was - beginning with some wild idea that he created the doll we all know and hate. in his little pea brain, he credits himself to giving kathleen her start in "the business." what business? the business of smoking crack and eating ice lollies all day?

jimmy said that his baby babble became famous overnight after he introduced her to his photographer friends. he couldn't be talking about the sleazy, industry flasher buddies who were behind the published photos of katty cakes sprawled out half-nude in what appeared to be a dope house, looking three sheets to the wind, could he? as if! jimmy is the one responsible for creating the doll, yes, but not because of that - it's because he introduced her to his good friends, heroin and cocaine. that's how she got her true start.

speaking of sleazy photographer friends - the same gang will be shooting a film on katty cakes, entitled, DIG! to be released in the late summer, around the same time as her book. and yes, i do believe they are releasing it in the summer of never, because ☺ will never be finished!

jimmy brought the attention back on him and wrapped up his tour down memory lane by presenting the flashers with love bites and scratches on his back, as well as polaroids from kathleen naked - doing everything from swimming to housework. if that's not class, i don't know what is. he made some other comments worthy of a good eye-roll, but i can make a long story short better than he can - the doll loves sex, but she loves drugs more! she likes to go at it all night long and is into kink. slap her around a bit and you won't be able to get rid of her, but tell her to call you "daddy" and she'll be gone before you can try to take it back!

honestly, jimmy should have known better - anything you do with the doll, you take to the grave!

and, from the sounds of it, kiss is firing blanks.