the summer of death claims another

a couple more deaths and we can put a calendar together

well, it looks like the pair of black death overalls kathleen donned for her mates' funerals after the 312 bloodbath will have to be brought out from collecting mothballs; for, her buddy tim bob has passed onto the happy hunting ground in the sky.

after slamming a couple of armfuls of heroin and guzzling a bottle of booze, he collapsed on the floor of his flophouse hotel room - where he eventually stopped breathing. he was discovered by staff on thursday. his death has not officially been ruled by police yet, but it is said to be a suicide. those close to him told the fence that, ever since the freak fest, he experienced heavy symptoms of anxiety following the amount of publicity he received. young and impressible, he became succumbed by the spotlight.

kathleen gave an informal eulogy outside of her house today and pretty much said that tim bob was her hep parade intern and that, yes, she knew he was a writer at the time of the freak fest. she also said that she suspects foul play in his death and will be in contact with the fuzz.
detective kiss has put his theory out there too - he told police that hep parade had hired men kill tim bob, in an effort to keep kathleen out of jail, because he "knew too much" after spending several months conducting interviews with her for an article he was writing....that, to my knowledge, never came out.....and was separate from the article he wrote about the freak fest.....hmm...

in response, baby babble retorted that kiss is as dead to her as tim bob. okay, she didn't, but that comment alone made it sound like she wanted to and was biting her tongue and rolling her eyes in his general direction the whole time.
anyways, rest in peace tim bob.

i don't like jokes, so i don't find this very funny.....

the million dollar brat is expecting a brat of her very own

okay, i don't even know where to begin. my head has just barely stopped spinning from the news about kathleen and joey's sudden engagement and now the papers are reporting that the one and only doll has a bun in the oven. and no, reporters didn't squeeze the news out of sodapop for once - it was kathleen herself who proudly phoned the dailies' office early today to confirm the good news. still, it was to no avail - this morning's headlines rang like an obituary : ARCADIAN ROYALTY, KATHLEEN AND JOEY KISS, PLANNING SHOTGUN WEDDING. 

those sick dickheads! i mean, she gave them an inch and they took a mile. i don't know; if you ask me, this whole thing stinks like a sleazy, old-fashioned feat for publicity. think about it - the doll's new year's resolutions were to - you guessed it - do boatloads of cocaine this coming year! i guess she'll have to forget all about that now; because, being knocked up means giving up almost everything she lives for : chasing the dragon, guzzling 40s, jumping rope, taking fat rips off of a frosty bong, doing the twist to oldies music, taking whippets, smoking ciggies and slamming speedballs. well, sucks to be her! i'm going to do tons of speedballs out of my frosty bong while skipping rope and make her so jealous. so, before kathleen gets ahead of herself and enrolls in lamaze classes, she can go ahead and check herself into the nearest rehab - let's get the future best mother of this galaxy a little detoxification and she'll be good to go.

speaking of, also featured in today's paper was the backlash on the doll's baby broadcast. everybody and their dog tripped over themselves to get in the dailies and say something about it! joey said, "the word around the campfire is true - kathleen and i are as happy as a dog with two tails. we really only got the news ourselves, but we wanted to be the first to spill to the fence."

sodapop cola said, "i just can't wait to teach the little angel how to swear and flip people off." um....yeah, right, soda - more like teach the little angel how to dial the flashers to leak information at the drop of a dime.

headlock said, "i'm happy for the kids." from there he began to dribble on about how he wanted to be a part of the kiss family.....or something. he said, "i would love nothing more than to be front row throughout the kid's life.....i'll build the baby a soapbox car to race in, maybe be the one to give him his first beer and play catch with him in the yard - i'll be like grandpa headlock." um, earth to gramps - it's not 1934! there are no soapbox car races anymore! that shit hasn't been around for a long time. and, just how old is headlock going to be when kathleen and joey's baby is ready for their first beer? 316 years old? get your head out of the clouds, grandpa!

for the rest of the spread, reporters rounded up all of kathleen's old rent boys - even the stinky rat beau badman crawled out of the sewer to make a statement - and the lads each gave their own sincere response.

loyal said, "on behalf of the lost boys, we'd like to congratulate the happy couple and say that we all can't wait to corrupt the little lamb. also, the hell boys want me to say that shortly after the birth, your kid is going to be inducted as an honorary member of their gang. if there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask." gross - i wouldn't let those drooling, bandanna-donning punks anywhere near my kid, even with a blood test and hazmat suit.

maynard b. alberkraut opted for his classic role of sappy romantic and - aside from making it seem like he was still in love with kathleen - gushed, "despite her reputation, she was born to be a mother; and with joey, her child will not only be blessed with beauty, but brains as well. i wish for them nothing but the stars and hope that kathleen's pregnancy goes smoothly." okay, i can totally see joey throwing the doll a 'really?' look the entire time he read maynard's contribution - i know that i did."

beau, in-between wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and taking fat slugs out of a flask, followed maynard's suit and targeted the doll in his statement. beau said, "got any heroin?" no, i'm kidding. he said, "wowie zowie, doll, i never thought i'd see the day where you were with child. i'll bet that you end up having the toughest baby in the whole wide world - in fact, i hope you do. i'm glad that someone could make you happy - lord knows i tried." sadly, that actually wasn't a joke - beau is pretty deluded. the former fling of kathleen's wrapped up his soapbox set on a lighter note, with, "i hope your old man - they tell me his name is joey - continues to do good by you. if he doesn't, you know that you can always call me." LOL @ that nonsense! i'm sure the doll would sooner gargle battery acid.

lastly, jimmy kiss - joey's older brother - kept from sobbing and through gritted teeth, remarked, "congratulations to them both - i'll bet joey will be a great father and i just know i'm going to have to spoil the hell out of that brat. l'chaim!" well, give him all the candies and toys that you want, but keep him away from the blow! if the child truly is of doll descent, one dance with the white lady would surely be one dances too many!

baby babble got the last laugh and said, "i've been knocked up all of fifteen minutes and aliens vacationing on saturn's rings have already sent their congratulations. mind your own goddamn business or i'll sic joey on you." then, she added, "and did i hallucinate or did beau goodman actually address me? i thought he was dead already...." okay, kathleen didn't say the last part, but i'm sure that she wanted to. she really should have - for her baby's sake.

in other doll news, her puppy dog - wingnut - made the morning news when he slithered underneath the kiss cradle gates at four this morning and began scampering down lisbon drive. one of the beautiful one's candid photographers - on a stakeout for pregnancy snapshots - spotted the pup. he rang the telephone number listed on wingnut's tag - kathleen answered, mumbled inaudibly for a moment and, before slamming the receiver down, screamed "go fuck yourself!" naturally, the flasher's next call was to the local arcadian television station. wingnut roamed around the stage set for most of the morning, until kathleen phoned in and began bitching out the television anchors for kidnapping her dog! without even so much as a warning, the doll barged onto the scene as the news was airing live and demanded the return of her beloved puppy. there has never been a soul that said no to the million dollar brat and lived to tell the story, so wingnut was placed back in the loving arms of his master.

kathleen made her grand exit off of the programme, following a dig at the kisses' offspring - the lead news lady kidded, "let's hope, for your sake, that your seed is smarter than wingnut and stays inside the gates." the doll smashed a tray of coffee cups and called the anchorwoman a, "cunt who lives on asshole avenue in loserland." then, baby babble kicked up her ballet slippers and stormed out of the station; but not before she flipped off the cameras, still recording live. that's my girl!

shiksa goddess kathleen meets mama kiss

and the rest of the kiss clan in upstate arcadia

the beautiful one is currently dating gentleman joey, who, unlike his big brother jimmy, practices judiasm. as a result, kathleen not only hosted traditional christmas parties, but is also going to learn all about hanukkah with the kiss family this year. now, i don't know what roofie joey slipped in his mommy's drink, but she is not only cool with the doll coming to hanukkah - she is actually a fan of the doll's work. you would think mama kiss would be the kind of mother to only refer to kathleen as 'that girl.' you would also think that she'd tell the shiksa sunshine kid to piss up a rope after breaking jimmy's heart, but he's probably the black sheep of the family. in a sign of respect, the kisses even delegated the super-duper important task of lighting the first candle of the menorah to kathleen - which she somehow managed not to fuck up. i'm just saying - all those years of practice balancing a spoon full of heroin over a candle totally helped.

at first, mama kiss didn't want the doll to have anything to do with the kitchen. jimmy wasted no time in jumping at the chance to offer his hand - you know he was thinking about slipping some rat poison into the doll's share of latkes - but then mama kiss came to her senses and decided that she was going to front the 'jew the doll up' effort. mama kiss started school for the day by teaching kathleen how to cook all the great hanukkah foods. yeah, i don't know any either; and i also don't know why baby babble would ever want to hang around a hot kitchen all day long when she doesn't even eat in the to begin with! i know she's much rather be railing lines off of joey's naked body or whatever the hell she's into now - but it isn't food. anyways, mama kiss tried her best; she loves the doll and everything, but when it comes to knowing her way around the kitchen - she told kathleen to stick to what she does best, drugs, and leave the cooking to those who actually eat.

i think what did joey's girl in was when mama kiss graciously allowed her to make gefelte fish - when the dish was finished, kathleen complained that it looked like "gross dog shit," and that, no, she would not be trying any. real nice, doll!

so, the fence presumes that joey is introducing kathleen to his mother - as his father has since passed on to sing "maoz tzur" with trotsky in heaven  - because he wants to ask for her hand in marriage. well, baby babble had better get used to spinning the dreidel then. hopefully jimmy can handle it; if not, expect to see photographs of nooses and cyanide pills as his computer's desktop background for a while.

as least kathleen and joey's visit to upstate arcadia won't be a total bust; for, they've been making crispy green bills by loosening their lips - à la sodapop cola - on a popular daytime radio programme. they've pretty much been going on the air to bitch and moan over whatever stupid shit is going on in their lives that day. for example, yesterday, they went on a diatribe about how unfair it was that mama kiss made the couple sleep in separate bedrooms. somehow, the beautiful one managed to get shafted and ended up down in the dungeon-like basement with jimmy! that was probably a real thrill for her.

the doll also said that he was not a gentleman and snatched the only sleepaway sofa from her; as a consequence, she had to curl up on the floor. shit, i'm surprised that kathleen didn't stab him in his sleep as a consequence! jimmy ultimately got his - kathleen and joey brought their puppy, wingnut, along with them upstate and the pooch ended up using all of jimmy's effects as his personal toilet. whatever; if you ask me - mama doll can separate them until she's blue in the face, but you know that kathleen and joey were playing musical sleeping beds as soon as her light went out.

furthermore, kathleen told the radio show that on the first day she was there, she was sneaking mama kiss secret shots of whiskey in the kitchen when no one was looking. well, no wonder the gefelte fish looked like dog shit! wowie zowie; cute girl - but not so much in the brains department.

one of the best stories that the doll told by far, however, had to be about the letterman's jacket. now, the doll is really pushing the demented 90's cheerleader look, so she asked joey for a letterman's jacket this year. ironically, he - and jimmy as well - used to be on the basketball team and there was a jacket waiting for her in arcadia. the only problem was that joey's jacket had been damaged from all the years of being stuffed in the back of a closet, so he pulled jimmy's - which was in much better shape - out of storage instead, thinking that his brother wouldn't notice. oh, jimmy noticed.

the kicker came on one of the nights of hanukkah, when joey handed kathleen the letterman's jacket as a gift. okay, the two were supposed to have a touching moment and maybe leak out a couple of lovey dovey tears; but instead, big baby jimmy pitched a fit and ruined the mood for everyone. as soon as the beautiful one's big eyes lit up and the phrase, "oh, a letterman's jacket - just what i've always wanted, joey, thank you!" started to form at her lips, jimmy jumped up and squealed at the top of his lungs, "hey! what gives? that's mine!" and demanded that kathleen return it to him. it was kind of cute. everyone just looked at him like he was five years old again and someone else got the present that he really wanted. you know that about fifteen seconds later, jimmy folded his arms over his chest, threw everyone a quick mean mug, muttered "i hate hanukkah" and rescinded back to his dungeon to cry with no witnesses. after this, the adults went around the room and high-fived each other - but not before they broke out the alcohol from the locked liquor cabinet.

the end of letterman's jacket war came when mama kiss, told jimmy to go to his room until he could ask for forgiveness. when jimmy refused to join them for dinner and then breakfast and lunch the following day, mama kiss stomped down to the basement and demanded that he apologize - or else! jimmy eventually trudged upstairs with his tail between his legs; he sucked up his pride, batted his eyelashes and told kat that he was real, real sorry.................but that he still wanted his letterman's jacket back. LOL! what an asshole.

in hindsight, i foresaw a great many things to take place during the doll's holiday with the kiss family, but something has just come out of left field. yes, folks, we have a wildcard on our hands and his name is johnny kiss. he is the eldest kiss brother and will totally be kathleen's next victim if perchance she and joey work out about as well as she and jimmy did. according to sodapop - everyone's inside source - johnny is most rebellious of the kiss family. great! i'll bet he and baby babble got on like a house on fire. instead of mama kiss catching the kids smoking doobies in the garage, she probably caught doing things like using her fine silverware to cook heroin and smoking speed off of her good tinfoil.

in all, it was a good hanukkah. the kiss family plus one doll could have probably done without jimmy's antics, but that's life; and, if joey really does want to marry the million dollar brat, it's good to know that mama kiss loves her like she loves matzo balls. still, you have to give it up for joey being deluded enough to even entertain the idea of being betrothed to kathleen - kissing her must be like breathing in pure heroin smoke.

the lost girl's first rock 'n' roll christmas

wingnut moves into kiss cradle; the lost boys nearly burn kiss cradle down

i will open this by saying that the doll has played hostess to plenty of parties in her day, but none have been as wild as the party that took place last night at her easy street hills home. kathleen has had parties where patrons were arrested, released and then arrested again - all in the same night! she even had one party where, at the end, everyone was brutally stabbed; but still, i insist that baby babble has never had a party so wild - and she's been slamming heroin and cocaine together for about as long as i can remember.

the million dollar brat started her first christmas at the kiss cradle off by waking up with joey at about eleven in the morning. they had some tea, smoked some foilies and probably got busy a couple of times before rousting the lost boys, sodapop, ludo and headlock. then, the merry mob trouped under the christmas tree and opened presents. joey's last present for the doll had been hiding with ludo ludovic in the guest cabin and was revealed to be a darling little puppy, which kathleen named 'wingnut.' in return, joey received a handjob. just kidding, she ended up buying him a motorcycle as well. you would think that the sunshine kid would have learned from her last run; in fact, word has it that she only refers to headlock as 'lefty' now - on account of the broken arm he suffered as a result of kathleen's boozy, pill-induced motorcycle ride that almost lead to the two floating around in heaven hand-in-hand with trotsky.

as gifts, kathleen got the lost boys new bandanna, boots and paid for proper leather jackets to be made up for the gang. i don't really give a fuck about the rest of the shit, but i'm really glad that somebody came forward and bought the boys some new bandanna. that needed to go down for so long. in return, the lost boys didn't get the doll or joey squat because they are all broke as jokes. kathleen gave sodapop an IOU for his very own guest cabin on her lisbon drive property. so, in a way, it's basically a gift for her. the kiss couple presented headlock with a left-handed baseball glove - as a cruel joke - signed especially by one of his favorite players. after watching his face light up and drop, the snickering lovebirds gave him his real gift - a case of his favorite brand of whiskey. you know he and jolly roger are going to sit together sometime soon and hold each other after taking one too many pulls off of a bottle; maybe play a little game called 'just for a second.' lastly, kathleen confessed that she didn't know what to get ludo ludovic for christmas because she doesn't know him very well - so, she bought him drugs. and i'm not even kidding.

after everyone had opened their shit, ruined some - doll, i'm talking to you - and slugged down a couple of cocktails, it was time for the fun to begin. the sunshine kid invited over a couple of close friends, as she has completely abandoned her real family, and told everyone that they could feel free to do the same. joey invited jimmy, who probably burst into a bout of 'gator tears and then hung up the phone. kathleen told the lost boys that they could invite over some of their buddies and they completely walked all over her. "she gave them some rope and they hung themselves with it," sodapop told flashers this afternoon. soda said that they invited all of their worst friends who trashed her house, fought and openly took drugs; at one point, a handful had takes some cheap heroin and became ill out in the front yard. in the backyard, the boys tore up the lawn with fires, motorcycles; as well as carried out other similar acts of chaos and disorder. they also set some of the houseplants inside aflame, which eventually led to the fire brigade being called. the doll must have taken one look at the mess this morning and said, "fuck this!" - because she and joey left headlock, ludo and sodapop to clean up the scene and jetted off to mama kiss' house upstate for what will surely go down in history as the greatest - or worst - hannukah ever.

the best part about last night had to be that the party wasn't just contained to the kiss cradle; before long, people were heading to the neighbors' to bullshit, do drugs and carry on like it was their own damn house! six neighbors called police reporting trespassers. one neighbor had a pretty hilarious tale to tell the fuzz and said that he "caught two disturbed santas snorting cocaine off of his porch step" and figured instantly that the doll was involved. only always! also, all of the lost boys had been running around in full santa gear and were pretty difficult to tell apart. so, at three in the morning, the lost boys ended up dumping all of kathleen's leftover christmas dinner garbage across the fence to neighbors who phoned police. as a result - you guessed it - police were phoned yet again. the million dollar brat languidly bitched at the fuzz for about a half an hour, took a disco nap and then shagged tail upstate. even though she got some beauty sleep, the doll still looks like she got in a fight with an eight-ball and the eight-ball won.

get a room already!

kathleen and joey are seriously driving me batty - they are always attached at the lips! i know they've been dating for a couple of months - which, mind you, is years in doll time - but they're worse than a damn junior high school couple! i've never seen more hand holding, lovebites and piggyback rides in my life! and i haven't ralphed more, either.

the doll and her young kiss have taken to staying at one of the small studio flats above the disco room nightclub on cally alley for the time being, until their easy street hills home is available. they will also be staying with joey's family for hanukkah - jimmy is going to be there too and i'm sure he'll be rapid-fire speed dialling the arcadian suicide hot line throughout the entire holiday.

if you can't tell excited jimmy is, listen to what he told one of the flashers outside of the 312 - where kathleen has graciously allowed him to live since she can't stand him - upon receiving the scoop that the doll was cut in on hanukkah, "honestly, i don't give much of a shit, myself. my ma asked me to be there and out of the kindness of my heart, i'm going to do it. not for kathleen, or my brother - for my ma." out of the kindness of his heart? is that supposed to be a joke?

once the doll caught wind of this, she chimed in and said, "jimmy's just mad because i was invited and his mother won't let him bring his latest sick, skanky excuse for a girlfriend. too bad, so sad." LOL, what a bitch. it's a step in the right direction though - she had to disconnect herself from joey's lips long enough to make such a nasty statement.

the doll should really withdraw from her sniper position opposite jimmy's bedroom window - everyone knows that he's not going to show up for the holiday anyways. and, if he does he'll either be high and drunk the entire time - or drunk and high - and be shunned from the family at once. if jimmy manages to grace kiss manor without fresh track marks, you know that the shit will hit the fan - trust. especially now that kathleen and joey can't knock off the heavy petting! them of all people should know how sensitive jimmy is. he can't handle the thought of the two necking, let alone actually witnessing the act. that would be the end of jimmy kiss as we know it. i'm just saying that it would be in poor taste of the doll to be mean to jimmy, as he is so close to the edge..............of jumping off a cliff!

all jokes aside, she really does need to put herself in someone else's dirty, heroin-smoke stained ballet slippers for once.

Q: are you writing this from inside trotsky's coffin?

A: DUH

um, is it just me or is kathleen a handful of pills away from ending it all? if you don't agree now, perhaps you will after reading her latest installment for hep parade.

Q: Mulholland or the Isle of Grimaldi?
A: grimaldi - going to mulholland makes me want to slit my wrists

Q: You know, for Trotsky's sake, you shouldn't joke about wanting to kill yourself.
A: you think i'm kidding

Q: When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
A: i wanted to be able to write a mean book; and now, my books are so mean, that they never call their mother

Q: So, just how did you get your reputation?
A: by being the bitch that nobody wants to be

Q: No, really - how did someone like you get to be so famous?
A: someone like me???? um, i used to be the prettiest doll in arcadia and now i'm the prettiest doll in cielo

Q: I thought HEP! was a great dedication to the friendship that you and Trotsky shared - congratulations.
A: you obviously didn't 'get' HEP! then

Q: You are such a stupid slut. Do humankind a favor and disappear - you can take your little party dresses and your dollies with you.
A: many a true word spoken in jest

Q: If only you knew the people that I have keeping tabs on you - you would probably think twice about the things you do.
A: HEADLOCK??????????????? WTF i've done nothing incriminating.........yet

Q: I read a gossip report recently that said you fell asleep during a phone interview and cited the reason as you were "high as a kite off of heroin" - any truth in this?
A: I THINK DOPE IS DOPE - what's it to you?

Q: Are you a morning person?
A: NO WAY - especially not today. someone had been calling me all morning since 666 o'clock. some of us still live fast and die young, you know? and it just had to be someone from the fence! none of my friends wake up that early - they stay up that late

Q: I'm sure that you're tired of being badgered about Trotsky and all the elements surrounding his death, but I've always had a question about him and figured it was now or never - why did Trotsky select the 69th room at the Riot House as his suite?
A: R U FUCKING WITH ME? trotsky was as camp as a row of pink tents

Q: What did you think when Hep Parade Magazine told you to write another fanmail piece?
A: I THOUGHT 'O GREAT, I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK ABOUT DETH IN NOVEMBER

Q: I miss the normal Kathleen - when is she coming back to Planet Earth?
A: ROFL - WHEN WAS I 'NORMAL?'

Q: You probably won't spill, but were you the one who gave Trotsky the 'barbies?'
A: well, that depends - is it a crime that the pigs just write a little ticket for; or is it a crime where they puts my hands behind my back and wrap those darling silver bracelets around my wrists?

Q: Why the Jimmy tattoo?
A: U SAY 'WHY?' - I SAY 'WHY NOT?'

Q: Could you give me an estimate of the percentage of people around you that snort coke?
A: 100% this is cielo DUH

Q: Gibby Bastien is naturally gorgeous, whereas you have to pancake your makeup on and yet you still look like you rolled out of the grave. I'm glad Jimmy Kiss has moved onto a more mature woman and left the little girl in the playground.
A: WTF? playground.....grave.....natural.......U CAN SAY WHATEVER, BUT GIB HAS YET 2 ENTER THE 10050

Q: What is the last thing Trotsky said to you?
A: "doll, i can't breathe in here."

Q: Well, then what's the last thing that you said to Trotsky?
A: "but, baby, you are safe - in here."

it's almost like kathleen has spent one too many hours hovering over her favorite framed picture of trotsky, blowing lines. she probably thinks she can talk to his ghost now too. quick! someone check the doll's pulse - i want to be 100% sure that she's still with us.

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"

Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT

Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me

Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL

Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies

Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up

Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin

Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK

Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high

Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?

Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME

Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am

Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk

Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET

Q: Virgin?
A: whore

Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE

Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????

Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"

Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo

Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far

Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far

Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

the freak fest : day three

day three sees bonfires, riots and the shit hitting the fan

if you thought that the lost boys getting slashed up on the second night was bad - think again! it would seem that looting, violence and fires have marked the end of the first - and probably only - freak fest, with kathleen and her mates most likely to take the blame.

this is the last, but not least, lineup for sunday, july 15;

east stage
12:15 - 1:15 PM : the fungus amongus
1:30 - 2:30 PM : the flying fucks
2:45 - 4:00 PM : the filth
4:20 - 5:45 PM : the fury
6:00 - 7:50 PM : the freakshows
8:15 - 9:50 PM : the flowers of evil, with kathleen on tambourine

west stage
1 - 2 PM : over the moon
2:20 - 3:30 PM : pottymouths
3:40 - 4:55 PM : questionmasters
5:35 - 6:30 PM : road to ruin
6:40 - 7:40 PM : space cadet
8:00 - 9:00 PM : tabula rasa
9:15 - 10:15 PM : unicornholes

things, for the most part, went okay during yesterday's afternoon performances - but, during the final hours of the concert, mayhem escalated as the appropriately named flowers of evil played, along with kathleen on tambourine. blue-haired bassist, biggles, mate to the doll, decided to perform stark naked, as did kathleen. it would appear that birthday suits were a trend, as kathleen posed for a photograph with a nude rocko j. nasty behind the curtain, before gracing the east stage in only an american flag. she quickly ditched it to reveal her bare body, to the screams of horror and excitement of the crowd below.

in the afternoon, long before the flowers of evil played, a group of peace promoters distributed candles, intending for a vigil to be held at the end of the show, alongside a fireworks display. naturally, most of them were used to start bonfires. the hundreds of empty plastic water bottles that littered the area were used as fuel, as well as pieces of 'the freak wall,' a gigantic, sweeping mural that was acting as a purportedly inviolable security perimeter fence. it was constructed by the pretty people and painted by joey kiss - it extends over three miles long, is twelve feet high and stretches around the entire site. it took over two months to paint, with nearly two hundred people lending their hand to joey. he also painted the east and west stage with bright psychedelic imagery - a sky complete with neon stars and planets, rainbow spaceships; a unicorn morphing into a dove - which sits in ruins now.

many large bonfires had been burning for some time before the band left the stage for an emergency broadcast to be made. kathleen, who had been acting as the announcer, interrupted the concert to say, "okay kiddos, as you can see if you look behind you, we have a bit of a problem." everyone turned to see the nine or ten out-of-control fires dotting the field. "the promoters want me to tell you to get away from the fires so that the brigade can put them out. i don't give much of a shit myself, really, but they won't put the music back on until those fires are out, so cool it!"

when the flowers of evil were finally allowed to take the stage again, they played another song before kathleen and biggles stole the microphone away to call the audiences' attention to a rather important matter plaguing the festival since it began;

kathleen: "hey, you kids - just because the girls out there want to feel free and take their tops off doesn't mean a bunch of you have to grab her tits!"

biggles: "yeah, they're her tits! leave those tits alone. tits are a girl's personal private property and they're a beautiful thing, so keep your grubby paws off you filthy animals!"

kathleen: "of course, if you all weren't so grabby, they might all take their tops off - did you ever think of that? let's just be nice to one another out there."

biggles: "that's right - be nice to the tits, keep your paws off."

kathleen: "and that's another thing - i've been noticing that a lot of girls, coming over to the top here are having every single part of them felt up. do any of you know what i mean? and i think, that just because a girl wants to go in the pit and go crowd surfing - that doesn't give you creeps a right to molest them. so, if you're a guy out there and you see a girl passing overhead - give her a break, will you? and if you're a girl out there and you see a guy passing overhead, i want you to grab his balls and give them a yank!"

biggles: "yeah, that's right doll! make it so they can't handle their little schmekeles anymore!"

LOL @ schmekeles.

they played a few more songs and then ended with a punk rock 'n' roll rendition of "goodnite, sweetheart, goodnite," instead of the song they were supposed to play. biggles then lit the american flag, which kathleen had hung on the amps, on fire. consequently, their show sent the kids over the edge. the flowers of evil and kathleen disappeared offstage and this is when the trouble began.

it wasn't long the doll started jonesing for the mic and came back to rile the freaks. she said things like, "i'm not the devil, but i'm here to do his bidding." she and the boys also got the crowd to chant, "the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - we don't need to water, let the motherfucker burn." she was doing all sorts of bad shit.

kathleen stayed on the east stage as long as she could, provoking the people, before jumping off to go cause some trouble on the grounds.

once the police charged in, the freaks began throwing hoisted fireworks and makeshift molotov cocktails at the fuzz. the people, rather than surrendering themselves to the cops, gathered into a tight formation and began to antagonize the battalion of officers by chanting such things as, "shoot, shoot!" and, "kill, kill!"

an audio tower was then set ablaze - remaining tents, booths and trailers full of merchandise were robbed, destroyed and used as gasoline. the angry, severely dehydrated, sleep-deprived, drugged-out, drunken concertgoers, unchallenged, grew bolder. they tipped over and successfully set several police cars on fire. according to witness reports, the police soon then charged into the pulsating sea of people and began to beat and arrest both those fighting and those not. they were incredibly edgy and struck people with batons before unpleasing tear gas onto the violent crowds. festival goers were not fazed and continues to knock over towers, burned booths and pelted police with bottles, rocks and batteries.

after about five hours, the riot was over : six policeman were dead, twenty-eight injured; twelve civilians had been shot, over a hundred were arrested and an unknown number injured. the remains of twelve trailers full of merchandise nearby the east stage continued to smolder well into this morning. a line of more than a hundred troopers' cruises formed a barrier between the concert area and the adjacent campgrounds. the doll's farm included horses, lambs, pigs and chickens - people gave animals drugs, set them free and as a result, most either ran away or were killed. patrons of the festival also camped in, subsequently ruined and then set on fire two of three alfalfa fields. large amounts of tear gas was used and at least twice, police ran squad cars full speed into crowds. wow sounds like your typical doll party. glad i wasn't there to get drugged, raped and tear-gassed.

the freak fest : day one

day one sees "alotta freaks," heavy traffic, and a high of 103°

upon her arrival in monitcello yesterday, the doll was going around telling anyone who would listen; "you know, i read in the newspapers that the state thruway is closed - isn't that far out? that's alotta freaks!"

 sure, sure doll - whatever you say. you're a freak, i'm a freak - we're all freaks.

now, i would love nothing more than to be able to sit her and report that the first night went horribly; it didn't. apart from a few drunk and unruly fans, it went off without a hitch.

with gridlock traffic controlling all main highways entering the festival site, most of the first-billed acts were not able to make it on time. after some clever rescheduling by kathleen and headlock, the music continued on and bands were flown in by helicopter.

beginning promptly at noon and ending early this morning, the lineup for yesterday, july 13, is as follows :

east stage
12:00 - 2:00 PM : the cigarette pack
2:40 - 4:00 PM : the crayola kids
4:30 - 6:00 PM : the coppertone babies
6:40 - 8;10 PM : the coolcats
8:30 - 9:10 PM : the coffin nails
9:20 - 10:20 PM :the chemical kids
10:40 PM - 1:10 AM : katty cakes
1:10 AM - 10:00 AM : the creepy-crawlies

west stage;
1 - 1:45 PM : artful dodgers
2:05 - 3:05 PM : bear claw
3:25 - 4:00 PM : capricorn
4:30 - 5:35 PM : dinger
5:55 - 6:55 PM : eagle claw
7:15 - 8:15 PM : frumptydumpties
8:35 PM - 10:05 PM : gorkholes

after the chemical kids finished on the east stage, kathleen took to spinning the wheels of steel until around one in the morning - she then handed it off to legendary house duo, the creepy-crawlies and the music continued until well past dawn. the kids, still going strong, must have been hopped up on drugs and were clearly not feeling the effects of a long day in the sun. good far them. during the doll's set, she spun everything from neo-psychedelic rock to old-time folk tunes; heavy metal, golden oldies and house electro. she played on the east stage, which is decorated with bright, technicolor pop art - complete with cartoon rainbows, clouds and a full day setting on the outside; the interior is painted to be a night sky, with clusters of motley stars and a man in the moon mural. upon taking the wild stage, she brought out a pint and guzzled it in one gulp to the croons of adoring fans below.

the beautiful one did have to stop at one point, though, to yell at one of the technician boys setting up a haughty balloon-and-confetti bomb that was going to explode at the end of her act, because he was stepping on the cords and screwing up the music. the doll wailed, "hey! knock that shit off! they don't like it when you step on their mics! you wanna watch the show from below, pal?"

then, there was an inebriated fan who started to cause trouble within the audience, so the doll tried to distract him - "this next song is called, "love," and it's about, well, love." when he didn't respond to her catch-flies-with-honey routine, she brought ou the vinegar and screamed, "hey! i'm gonna have the bikies beat you up if you don't know it off and scram!"

and, although the doll played last night, she is also the official announcer of the concert and could be heard throughout the day making intermittent announcements. she was behind the microphone for everything, from introducing the tibetan monks - who delivered a goodwill prayer to bring positive vibes and good karma to all - to the good night sign-off, where she read horoscopes from that day's newspaper.

she also gave her daily dose of good advice, when she told the crowd, "hey, if any of you kids out there have a gun in your hand, or under your bed or in your jockeybox or stashed away somewhere secret - go get it and throw it in the nearest trash can. use your brains." knives are cool though.

hopefully her demand is met, because there have been reports of unrest in the crowd. some think that £5 for a bottle of water, £12 for a single slice of pizza and a maximum of only two beers allowed to be purchased at a time - for a steep £15 - it a little ridiculous. well, fuck those cheap bitches! also, the distance from the camping grounds to the stage is 3/4 of a mile - the walk from the east stage to the west stage is a good 30 minutes, so, as a result, most fans are remaining at the larger and more popular east stage, where more of the headlining acts are performing. medical facilities are worried that heat, combined with dehydration and lack of sleep is going to be a problem - not to mention the mosh pits and the drugs and all the other wild things going on.

still, i'm sure everything will be fine....oh, who am i kidding? the freak fest is going to turn into nutball land, just you wait.

leave it to kathleen to be tardy to her own party

it's time for baby babble to get a watch

the freak fest is set to start tomorrow, with kathleen headlining on the first night, but she's nowhere to be seen in monticello! more than half of the bands have already arrived and, according to her people, still she remains in cielo.

originally she was set to fly in, but after she missed her scheduled flight - and then a couple more scheduled flights - to go boozing, it was arranged for her to hop on a train to monticello and catch a ride into the festival grounds. well, now it looks like that plan will have to be scrapped also - the state thruway is backed up for hours and hours and has since been closed! already? shit, maybe i'm missing something important. as a result of the closed thruway, kathleen is being flown in via helicopter, as her famous jet 'the crippler' sits in repair. oh and, no one has done a head count or anything, but the freak fest hasn't even started yet and the word has it that over six hundred thousand people are expected to be in attendance tonight.

hot damn, this is turning out to be the party of the summer, but i bet i can still tell you how it's going to end : the doll and the lost boys will do as they please and, in opening the gates of hell, surely the whole thing will go up in flames.

the party never stops with the sunshine kid

the beautiful one gets loaded, takes disco nap - continues bender by jumping on cars and acting like a nut
DOLL : BOOZE :: JIMMY : WET MOP

kathleen exceeded all of our expectations last night and showed that she had moved on from her split with 'bad dream' jimmy kiss as she enjoyed a boozy night out with new boyfriend, maynard b. alberkraut. she logged some important hours at the riot house before continuing her tour of the streets - she ducked into a corner shop to buy candies and, no surprises here, more booze! the drinks were the on the doll last night as she sauced with close mates until around half-three in the morning, when she took the party to her lonesome lane home, where it would continue until well after sun-up.

i think the best part of the night came when the flashers caught up with her and she tried really, really hard to pull it together.

"i'm the doll and i'm at the speakeasy on bedlam way? no, no i am not. wait - yes i am. okay, everyone is shaking their heads at me. what is it? where am i? cally road? doesn't matter - i'm here....and you're not! losers!"

she was totally dedicating that last part of the message to kiss - it just feels right.

after the fence got all of the above on film, sodapop came in to save the day and, after throwing kathleen over his shoulders like a small child, flipped the bird to the cameras and hauled her away.

oh, and the flashers got some super slippery wet pictures of kathleen and maynard swapping spit. gross! gee, maynard, i hope you know that kissing baby babble is the direct equivalent of slamming an armful of dope. jimmy could handle it, but i don't think you have what it takes.

speaking of jimmy, he crawled out of his hole to call the doll a "disgrace" after he drunken antics were well-documented in the press. he said that she should be "ashamed" of herself for carrying on in such a way. this shit is worse than high school! it's not like he's any prize! he can go back to crying ski-blacky tears and walking hand-in-hand in the gutter with beau at anytime now.

and, even though kiss has been on his soapbox, letting everyone know that he'll "never forgive" the beautiful one, he told flashers today, "i miss her - i just can't stay mad with her!" too bad he didn't add LOL at the end of that - i would have!

he wrapped with, "i'd do anything to call her 'baby' again." well....just about anything. i'm willing to bet that if it involves giving up the white or brown lady, then probably not.

let's just say that is in the near future, the headline 'KRAUT SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES NOW' is run, we'll all know who to point the finger at.

kathleen is the sunshine kid

baby babble and her spoonful of sugar are hitting the road!

kat and kiss are going on tour! why, you ask? i think the more important question is : THOSE 2 ARE BACK TOGETHER? oh lord jesus help us.

yup, kathleen somehow talked her way back into jimmy's pocket. word has it, she showed up outside of jimmy's cardboard shack on the street last night and lied through her teeth made a bunch of empty promises to get him back. i guess it worked, because today hep parade magazine announced 'the sunshine tour'. tickets will be on sale online starting next week. i'm sure those two will paint the skid row neighborhood red. and a little bit of the brown and white, if you know what i mean.

in the rider, the troublesome doll rather ridiculously demanded;

one (1) roadie who speaks decent french, bad german and even worse english. he must not be afraid of death. also, he needs to be comfortable with:
1.) headlock - headlock will be his right hand man. this may seem obvious, but take it from me - he is not a people person.
2.) china white, needles, wadded-up pieces of tinfoil and getting arrested - this is all we do.
3.) sodapop - sodapop will talk at will. feel free to ignore him totally or carry your own earplugs.
demands:
security; we will be requiring the use of three (3) intensely loyal security persons - who don't mind looking the other way if certain situations should arise - to be stationed at the entrance of the dressing rooms. yes, three men, preferably built like brick shit-houses, to stand menacingly outside the doors. please also note that during the crawl, we will have extra persons with us - no police, thanks.
parking; this is skid row and kathleen and her people will require parking passes for at least seven (7) cars on the dar of the crawl.
dressing rooms; three (3) comfortable dressing rooms will be required. one for trotsky and sodapop - as well as the production crew of DIG!
*the kisses will require the exclusive use of the dressing room for the entire day and night of the gigs. the doors should lock and the rooms should have the ability to be temperature-regulated by the occupants. there must also be a 120-volt electrical service in each. this means a really janky-looking wall socket that's already got three things plugged into it. for our friends from france.
1.) silver tea service would be the best. i suppose you could provide a kettle or a coffee machine if you like, otherwise i'm sure there's a café nearby. and if there isn't - this is god, telling you to open one.
2.) two (2) packs of playing cards. in case jimmy wants to do some card tricks - or kathleen wants to hold a quick game of strip poker.
the kisses;
fresh ginger, honey, lemons and a knife sharp enough to stab jimmy kiss with. and some chinese gunpowder tea so we can blow the joint up. kidding! i doubt you'll be able to find chinese gunpowder tea at this time of year.
an english language newspaper
a bucket of ice, for champagne
a box of tinfoil
2 bottles each: grey goose or belvedere
jamison whiskey
martell cognac
1 case each: heineken
banana bread beer, brewed by our friends from england
coca-cola, in bottles, with cane sugar
ribena juice boxes
2 boxes of rough rider condoms
assorted candy (saturn zingers, flying saucers, raspberry bootlace...)
1 carton each of camel blue, parliament full flavor and light american spirit cigarettes.
*i'd just like to say that the next time that i, the sunshine kid, gets booked, if my rider is not totally satisfied, i will show up at the venue three hours late and won't go on until my needs are met.
*and no wimping out every night after a few drinks. the sunshine kid will frown upon this as the tour motto now is "blood in, blood out."

the fun, fun times for her.

and, it sounds like sodapop will be joining in for the hijinks as well! hopefully the kisses cut him out of all the action, because you know the second that the tour is over, soda's going to go make some real money with the newspapers. i am convinced that sodapop should get a device installed in his body, so that when the fence needs ideas for cover stories, they can just stick a couple of quarters in him and he'll spit on out. it's pretty much the same thing he does now, only with less mechanics involved.