i don't like jokes, so i don't find this very funny.....

the million dollar brat is expecting a brat of her very own

okay, i don't even know where to begin. my head has just barely stopped spinning from the news about kathleen and joey's sudden engagement and now the papers are reporting that the one and only doll has a bun in the oven. and no, reporters didn't squeeze the news out of sodapop for once - it was kathleen herself who proudly phoned the dailies' office early today to confirm the good news. still, it was to no avail - this morning's headlines rang like an obituary : ARCADIAN ROYALTY, KATHLEEN AND JOEY KISS, PLANNING SHOTGUN WEDDING. 

those sick dickheads! i mean, she gave them an inch and they took a mile. i don't know; if you ask me, this whole thing stinks like a sleazy, old-fashioned feat for publicity. think about it - the doll's new year's resolutions were to - you guessed it - do boatloads of cocaine this coming year! i guess she'll have to forget all about that now; because, being knocked up means giving up almost everything she lives for : chasing the dragon, guzzling 40s, jumping rope, taking fat rips off of a frosty bong, doing the twist to oldies music, taking whippets, smoking ciggies and slamming speedballs. well, sucks to be her! i'm going to do tons of speedballs out of my frosty bong while skipping rope and make her so jealous. so, before kathleen gets ahead of herself and enrolls in lamaze classes, she can go ahead and check herself into the nearest rehab - let's get the future best mother of this galaxy a little detoxification and she'll be good to go.

speaking of, also featured in today's paper was the backlash on the doll's baby broadcast. everybody and their dog tripped over themselves to get in the dailies and say something about it! joey said, "the word around the campfire is true - kathleen and i are as happy as a dog with two tails. we really only got the news ourselves, but we wanted to be the first to spill to the fence."

sodapop cola said, "i just can't wait to teach the little angel how to swear and flip people off." um....yeah, right, soda - more like teach the little angel how to dial the flashers to leak information at the drop of a dime.

headlock said, "i'm happy for the kids." from there he began to dribble on about how he wanted to be a part of the kiss family.....or something. he said, "i would love nothing more than to be front row throughout the kid's life.....i'll build the baby a soapbox car to race in, maybe be the one to give him his first beer and play catch with him in the yard - i'll be like grandpa headlock." um, earth to gramps - it's not 1934! there are no soapbox car races anymore! that shit hasn't been around for a long time. and, just how old is headlock going to be when kathleen and joey's baby is ready for their first beer? 316 years old? get your head out of the clouds, grandpa!

for the rest of the spread, reporters rounded up all of kathleen's old rent boys - even the stinky rat beau badman crawled out of the sewer to make a statement - and the lads each gave their own sincere response.

loyal said, "on behalf of the lost boys, we'd like to congratulate the happy couple and say that we all can't wait to corrupt the little lamb. also, the hell boys want me to say that shortly after the birth, your kid is going to be inducted as an honorary member of their gang. if there's anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask." gross - i wouldn't let those drooling, bandanna-donning punks anywhere near my kid, even with a blood test and hazmat suit.

maynard b. alberkraut opted for his classic role of sappy romantic and - aside from making it seem like he was still in love with kathleen - gushed, "despite her reputation, she was born to be a mother; and with joey, her child will not only be blessed with beauty, but brains as well. i wish for them nothing but the stars and hope that kathleen's pregnancy goes smoothly." okay, i can totally see joey throwing the doll a 'really?' look the entire time he read maynard's contribution - i know that i did."

beau, in-between wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and taking fat slugs out of a flask, followed maynard's suit and targeted the doll in his statement. beau said, "got any heroin?" no, i'm kidding. he said, "wowie zowie, doll, i never thought i'd see the day where you were with child. i'll bet that you end up having the toughest baby in the whole wide world - in fact, i hope you do. i'm glad that someone could make you happy - lord knows i tried." sadly, that actually wasn't a joke - beau is pretty deluded. the former fling of kathleen's wrapped up his soapbox set on a lighter note, with, "i hope your old man - they tell me his name is joey - continues to do good by you. if he doesn't, you know that you can always call me." LOL @ that nonsense! i'm sure the doll would sooner gargle battery acid.

lastly, jimmy kiss - joey's older brother - kept from sobbing and through gritted teeth, remarked, "congratulations to them both - i'll bet joey will be a great father and i just know i'm going to have to spoil the hell out of that brat. l'chaim!" well, give him all the candies and toys that you want, but keep him away from the blow! if the child truly is of doll descent, one dance with the white lady would surely be one dances too many!

baby babble got the last laugh and said, "i've been knocked up all of fifteen minutes and aliens vacationing on saturn's rings have already sent their congratulations. mind your own goddamn business or i'll sic joey on you." then, she added, "and did i hallucinate or did beau goodman actually address me? i thought he was dead already...." okay, kathleen didn't say the last part, but i'm sure that she wanted to. she really should have - for her baby's sake.

in other doll news, her puppy dog - wingnut - made the morning news when he slithered underneath the kiss cradle gates at four this morning and began scampering down lisbon drive. one of the beautiful one's candid photographers - on a stakeout for pregnancy snapshots - spotted the pup. he rang the telephone number listed on wingnut's tag - kathleen answered, mumbled inaudibly for a moment and, before slamming the receiver down, screamed "go fuck yourself!" naturally, the flasher's next call was to the local arcadian television station. wingnut roamed around the stage set for most of the morning, until kathleen phoned in and began bitching out the television anchors for kidnapping her dog! without even so much as a warning, the doll barged onto the scene as the news was airing live and demanded the return of her beloved puppy. there has never been a soul that said no to the million dollar brat and lived to tell the story, so wingnut was placed back in the loving arms of his master.

kathleen made her grand exit off of the programme, following a dig at the kisses' offspring - the lead news lady kidded, "let's hope, for your sake, that your seed is smarter than wingnut and stays inside the gates." the doll smashed a tray of coffee cups and called the anchorwoman a, "cunt who lives on asshole avenue in loserland." then, baby babble kicked up her ballet slippers and stormed out of the station; but not before she flipped off the cameras, still recording live. that's my girl!

is joey going to make an honest woman out of kathleen?

the doll is affianced...................and to a kiss no less!

earlier this week, joey kiss was reported to have been seen shopping for engagement rings in arcadia - joey told those close to him that he feels kathleen is 'the one.' and now kathleen's camp has gone and confirmed the worst : the two are, in fact, engaged to one another. you know, i really doubt that the doll feels joey is 'the one.' she only feels that way about candy, cocaine, words and smoking doobies. though, and i hate to admit it, joey is my favorite out of all of her victims.

jimmy was too similar to her, maynard b. alberkraut was a bore - beau goodman was a creep and loyal was too young for her; joey, on the other hand, seems to have domesticated the once wild honeypie. i mean, don't get me wrong - she probably still hovers over dusty mirrors like there's no tomorrow, but at least she's happy! thus, joey kiss is much better; much better than jimmy, that is.

speaking of, after jimmy was seen browsing downtown for rings - alongside brothers, joey and johnny - he even went as far as to tell the press that he is 'over the moon' that the two are in love. he said that he's glad his loss could be someone's gain - even if it's his baby brother's. i'm not even kidding; he really did say that shit - although i'm 99% positive that he's lying. come on, jimmy collapses into a weeping puddle of sorrow anytime someone looks at him wrong and is merely a couple of pills away from flying off to the big heroin needle in the sky. you're not fooling me, jimmy! even though i didn't really want to, i've committed myself to not flipping him shit for a while; for, you just know he's on suicide watch now that his brother's engagement has been made official.

come to think of it, i feel like i've finally figured joey out; as suspected, he and jimmy are nearly as different as night and day. at first, i thought him to be a goody-goody like maynard, because he was shy in front of the camera lens. from the beginning, joey has been in the spotlight, his every move a methodical one; as if every day were another test to see if he could handle life with the doll. for example, during their third week of courtship, kathleen and joey were enjoying a normal night at the riot house - the doll was drunk, high, topless and talking to the side of a building - when flashers started giving baby babble grief for carrying on so cheaply. whereas jimmy would have smashed the photographer's flashbulbs in, stomped on their cameras and gotten arrested - joey handled it like a gentleman and, after smashing their flashbulbs in, snuck kathleen out the back entrance and took her home before police arrived. see? if that were a test, he passed with magical, flying unicorn colors. in another instance, kathleen wasn't feeling too hot and had been laid up in bed - a result of burning the candle at both ends, no doubt - joey brought her fresh flowers in bed. okay, to be fair, i'm sure jimmy might have gotten her flowers too; but he wouldn't have gone to a shop like a normal person or picked them himself - jimmy probably would have conjured up a bouquet out of a garbage bin in a dirty alley somewhere. yeah, the doll test - jimmy failed so badly and joey has already graduated with honors. seriously, after years and years of meticulously studying jimmy's every move and slowly creeping towards the doll, joey has done it!

in other doll news, sodapop cola of course had his own two cents to chip in about his sister's romantic revelation. he said, "joey's a great guy and all and i'm really, truly happy for the two of them, but i believe in my heart of hearts that she still loves jimmy. don't ask me why, but i just do." okay, soda, what are you trying to say? actually, i withdraw that question - soda, what do you know? no one even asked you anyways! why couldn't you have just cut out the bullshit and said, "i'm happy for the two of them," like a normal human being? don't be shocked when your invitation to the wedding of the century doesn't appear in your mailbox! kathleen should seriously add 'one-way ticket to another planet' to her wedding registry if she doesn't have the heart to tell her brother to lock up his loose lips from here on out - it's the only way.

in the end, the million dollar brat responded to sodapop's erroneous jests through the dailies and retorted, "well, i love my brother and all - but sometimes he doesn't know when to keep his goddamn mouth shut." well, maybe that will help him. jimmy scrambled for a little recognition and took it upon himself to respond - in doing so he made sodapop look like an absolute asshole - he said, "i don't know what sodapop is talking about. i couldn't be happier for my baby brother; and as far as kathleen is concerned, bygones are bygones." i know it's sick, but i was kind of hoping that jimmy would slip in, "oh and p.s. : one man's trash is another man's treasure" at the end there, but,  he kept it together for once. 

the doll still has fans?

get out your official katty cakes secret decoder ring for this important message

well, well, well - you would think the doll would have more important things to be doing with her life, instead of  writing about sluts and satan and leather boots and tattoos and other bullshit, but you would be wrong. so, without further ado, please pull out your mirrors and your rolled-up dollar bills for our angel baby - kathleen.

Q: Does Joey Kiss have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....UR A SLUT......no, he has the shape from the cover of the creepy-crawlies' record of "a cowboy need a horse"
Q: Do you have any tattoos?
A: yes - a butt tat that says : IF UR READING THIS RIGHT NOW....I'M A SLUT
Q: When you look back on interviews that you did with Jimmy Kiss, what do you think?
A: i slither off to the nearest corner and hide and pretend that it wasn't me
Q: What do you know now that you didn't know then?
A: UM THAT MIXING HEROIN AND COCAINE ISN'T REALLY COOL
Q: What kind of people are permitted past the velvet ropes at your parties?
A: losers, winners; privileged white kids and strung-out junkies
Q: If you could say anything to Beau Goodman, what would it be?
A: shut the helllllllllll up
Q: Who kisses better - Jimmy or Joey?
A: I DO - jimmy kisses like a whore and joey kisses like a virgin
Q: Is it just me or have you gotten more spacey?
A: WTF - I'M ON PLANET EARTH......I THINK
Q: Do you use drugs?
A: no - i was born high
Q:How many times have you been arrested?
A: why - do i have a warrant that i don't know about?
Q: You totally want Jimmy Kiss' head on a silver platter, don't you?
A: i would never hurt jimmy - besides, if i wanted him dead i would have done it already - TRUST ME
Q: Do you know how ugly you are?
A: i've done thousands of videos - yes - i know how ugly i am
Q: What will it take for you to complete ☺?
A: i use : coloring crayons, cocaine, my bird's nest at the top of lookout mountain, candy, the downtown cielo public library, my grandpa's expired medication, china white, pencils and pens, fumes from the gravedigger's exhaust pipe, fizzy drinks, knives, ice lollies, insomnia, clean needles, a homing pigeon, stud cigarettes, payphones, satan's influence, weird-fucking-shit-from-outer-space, the soul of jimmy kiss, words and other top secret junk
Q: Do you ever shut up?
A: DUH - RIOT, DON'T BE QUIET
Q: Virgin?
A: whore
Q: Virgin.
A: WHORE
Q:Virgin!
A: WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q: Did you know that hanging with motorcycle gangs is not very nice for your reputation?
A: WHO SAID I WAS NICE????
Q: What are your dying wishes?
A: "WE HAD A DEATH PACT, AND I HAVE TO KEEP MY END OF THE BARGAIN. PLEASE BURY ME NEXT TO MY BABY IN MY LEATHER JACKET, JEANS AND MOTORCYCLE BOOTS"
Q: What's next for the Doll after ☺?
A: she's going to start advancing money to a secret squad of dope-smugglers in inner-city arcadia, as well as opening a chain of satanic churches in cielo
Q: How does Jimmy feel about you dating his little brother?
A: SUPER DUPER - he's attempted suicide six times so far
Q: How does Joey feel about dating you, seeing how you used to bang his older brother?A: SUPER DUPER - i've only caught him with a shotgun in his mouth six times so far
Q: I don't get it - how do you even make money? Your books suck!
A: who are you to tell me what a book is? you, who have written so many books - how many? none? ever? i bat my eyelashes and a million copies are sold

oh, brother - some wonders never cease!

fanmail of the freak fest

the beautiful one was sweet enough to take time out of her super busy schedule of rioting, drugging writers, setting fires, overturning police cars and running around naked to answer some fanmail during the festival.

why the freak fest is still relevant i have no clue. but hey, since it is, here are the answers to the letters that were piling up at kathleen's feet backstage - bear in mind, she claims to have written it on the third morning, when she was probably high on drugs! there is a ghostwriter behind this...i'm just saying!

Q: How's the Freak Fest so far?
A: it's the coolest party i've ever hosted
Q:Is it true that you took your top off during your set?
A: OH YA SURE - I TOOK MY PANTS OFF 2!
Q: I'm sure that you are really loving the Freak Fest, but don't you miss the comforts of Cielo just a little bit?
A: yes - i miss the coston fox; cruising around in the gravedigger, pumping bollywood music, annoying headlock....i also miss hot showers like a motherbear
Q:The Coston Fox? Is that a code name for something?
A: THE COSTON FOX IS SO REAL, HE DOESN'T NEED A NAME - his name actually is the coston fox
Q: How hot is it there, in Monticello, right now?
A: it's hot enough that loyal's eyes are two fried eggballs. it's hot enough that kids aren't selling drugs - they're bootlegging bottled waters. it's hot enough that sodapop is complaining, OH WAIT....LOL!
Q: £4 for a bottle of measly water? Is this a joke?
A: NOPE, YOU FORGOT 2 ADD ON THE SALES TAX! STUPID!
Q: I live in Monticello myself and you've got to tell me - when it comes to camping at the Freak Fest, who is a big crybaby and who is a bigger crybaby?
A: TROTSKY; SODAPOOP. DUH. i pushed soda in the mud yesterday and he was glaring razorblades at me for the rest of the afternoon - trotsky has about thirty mosquito bites because he simply refuses to wear anything other than glitter and gold lamé hotpants!
Q: So, just how is Trotsky holding up?
A: he. and. ludo. won't. stop. raving. HOW AM I HOLDING UP IS THE QUESTION. and not very well is the answer, when it comes to those two.
Q: So, is Jimmy cool with you hanging around his little brother?
A: oh yeah, he's absolutely psyched about it
Q: You know, I keep reading about you and Joey Kiss, but I bet you and Jimmy Kiss will be back together in no time...
A: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i'd rather be hung by my toes and have my eyeballs gouged out with two, red-hot fire pokers!
Q: Wait a second - are you with Joey Kiss or are you with Loyal the Lost Boy?
A: I STILL GOT MY BANDANNA ON, DON'T I?
Q: What is your favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: COCAINE
Q: What is Trotsky's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: rolling in glitter and holding hands with ludo
Q:What is Sodapop's favorite Freak Fest pastime?
A: flapping his lips, being a big baby huey
Q:What are the Lost Boys' favorite Freak Fest pastimes?
A: STEALING HUBCAPS, STUD CIGARETTES AND HEROIN
Q: I would never pay a dime for the Freak Fest - long lines, hot weather and outrageous prices just to see you? Please!
A: LOL WUT A GIP, RIGHT? i guess the 700,00 people who bought tickets aren't as smart as you
Q: I read that people weren't buying tickets...just sneaking in through the Freak Wall...any truth to that?
A: GO 2 PANEL 777, KNOCK 7 TIMES, USE THE PASSWORD "I FORGOT" - my goons will let you just walk right in!
Q: What is your favorite Lost Boys song?
A: "MARY LIKES 2 SHOOT DARTS"
Q: Trotsky's cute...does he have any brothers?
A: he has a sister, gibby - BUT PAWS OFF! sodapop's going steady with her
Q: Gibby, what a pretty name - I'll be she's a looker!
A: yeah, she looks just like her brother - WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?
Q:I read that the high of the first day was 103°! Got a sunburn yet?
A: no, but i have 33 bugbites - calamine lotion and i are one
Q:Who are the Hell Boys?
A: a bunch of pansies who are giving cielo a bad reputation
Q: What did the Hell Boys say to make the Lost Boys so angry?
A: the hell boys said, "the lost boys were jewelry and pink panties." boy, that really bent rocko j. nasty out of shape - EVERYONE KNOWS HE WEARS PURPLE PANTIES!
Q: Have fun with your little party of freaks - I'll bet Jimmy Kiss is glad to be rid of you!
A: LOL I KNOW - THE FLOPHOUSE IS SUCH A STEP UP
Q: Who is and isn't on your guestlist for backstage?
A: IS: joey kiss, trotsky, ludo ludovic, sodapop, gibby bastien, maynard, heidi gretchen alberkraut
ISN'T: jimmy kiss, beau goodman, the fence
Q: I heard that you got in a fight with Heidi Gretchen backstage, because...she is blonde and you are blonde; Loyal had drunkenly confused you for her and the two were flirting...any truth in that?
A: ROFL NONE - i pulled my knife out, onstage, because she was calling loyal a "hood" and a "JD," because he was drunker than a skunk and falling asleep sitting up
Q: Okay, I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't Gibby, like, only 16 years old? Come on, are you for real?
A: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AGE
Q: And while we're on the topic of age - isn't Loyal only 17?
A: WRONG!!!!!!!!! HE'S 17 AND A HALF!

kathleen gets an A+ for effort with me, but i'd really love to meet the people who send these questions in. all i know is, i have a lot of questions for the doll and none of them involve soda's favorite pastime or if jimmy gives a shit that joey and kathleen are chummy chums. my inquests are more along the lines of : "what the hell is the matter with you?" and, "what's with the bandanna?" and, "are you still trying to make this 90's thing happen?"

the beautiful one holidays with the pretty people

tries to escape 'no-mates' beau badman

kathleen was seen strolling along the beaches this weekend, on the isle of grimaldi, with her best pals by her side. it would seem that beau badman, who spent the weekend cooling off in an arcadian jailcell, is the furthest thing from the doll's mind as she enjoys a relaxing holiday with jimmy kiss, trotsky, brother sodapop cola, new members to the group maynard b. alberkraut, ludo ludovic and the rest of her people in tow. her army of 25+ wandering artists, bikers, punks, gypsies, junkies, flower children and billion dollar babies have been ceremoniously dubbed 'the pretty people' by kathleen and also called "the freaks" by the papers. they all boarded the doll's private jet, the crippler, in arcadia on friday morning and landed before sundown. i could make a joke about wild honeypie being high here, but really i'd rather not.

headlock, who is staying in cielo all by his lonesome, sent trotsky and brother sodapop ahead to watch over the group. these two, along with her pretty people, have reportedly been a "tower of strength" for her, what with the human slaughterhouse on skid row and beau stalking her and everything. you know, because jimmy's not a tower of strength! he's more like a tower of wet rags.

beau badman is missing the point

a restraining order means the same as "i love you" to him

everyone knows that the big, heart-shaped foilie that was the love between beau and kathleen has long since been smoked up. she wished him the best and kiss pretty much wrote his obituary. now that the remaining heir of the badman family fortune has plenty of time to focus on himself, the kisses are focusing on keeping the crazy out of their lives.

to start, kathleen and sodapop had trotsky drive them into the cielo valley to obtain a restraining order against beau. apparently, he has been trying to get into her 10050 love shack every night now and has even taken to following trotsky and sodapop when they leave.
she said, "when i first met him, i was at the l'amour bar and he came in from the rain. he told me he had no where else to go and so i told him i'd take him in - for one night. that night turned into months. and that's the story of beau goodman."

in recent times, it’s fair to say that the kisses have been friendly towards beau. he was occasionally invited to stay over and kathleen even helped him get a small gig with hep parade magazine. according to trotsky; "when jimmy left for mulholland, beau started to come over more often and it seemed he and kathleen had worked things out. then, a couple weeks later - she asked me to change the locks."

wow, she must really be serious this time if she went and changed the locks and everything! i mean, this isn't her first time dealing with psychos who have nothing better to do than find ways to break in, so i'm sort of surprised she didn't give headlock the go-ahead to take a sniper position on the roof or something. changing the locks won't do shit!

kathleen added, in a really dramatic voice, outside of her house that beau would not be invited to the doll's reopening of the 312 human slaughterhouse taking place in a couple of weeks. all of her real friends were invited to arcadia to pay their respects and help kathleen lock up the house until they're "damn good and ready to open it again." good! lock up the haunted house and throw away the key! that place is like an indian burial ground now.

kathleen doesn't need a restraining order - she could just wear a bar of soap on a string around her neck at all times to steer clear of the badman.

it's dollface - enough said

katty cakes beats heroin snots out of beau badman, tells fuzz "i didn't know i couldn't do that" - the laughs can still be heard echoing in space

i'm absolutely positive now that kathleen was absent on the day they taught "treat others how you would like to be treated" in kindergarten - unless, of course, she does like to have her face smashed into the pavement on a regular basis - because i am tired of having to write about the doll stomping some ass! shit's ridiculous.

last night began normally - the doll was hitting the sauce at the l'amour bar and restaurant like usual with jimmy, when she stepped outside for a smoke. okay, she, jimmy, trotsky and anyone else who wanted to come, stepped outside for a doobie break. kathleen was busy hotboxing the gravedigger, when sodapop knocked on the window and warned her that beau badman was in the house. notes from fuzz on the scene state that the fight started when beau approached the gravedigger. it was on! kathleen pushed jimmy out of the car and began to lay the smackdown on beau. by the time she finished, there was blood all over the car, her dress and the concrete. the report went on to say that she slammed his head into a window and hit him until sodapop and jimmy could peel her off. i'm sure somewhere in there it also mentioned how she was chasing the dragon during all of this. she's like an octopus - she can beat beau badman with one hand, shovel snow up her nose with another and write down ideas for her next book, all while smoking a cigarette.

as she was being hauled off in the paddywagon, she howled her world-renowned line, "if i ever see you again, you're dead!" only, i seriously doubt that because he was arrested also for...well, for being beau badman. and, like usual, as soon as beau was in custody - he started singing like a canary! he told the officers that this wasn't his first time riding the doll beatdown rollercoaster with no safety bar and that he feared for his life. i would too - no one fucks with jimmy's wallet aka kat. all she had to say was, "i'm sorry, officer, i didn't know i couldn't do that." the handcuffs dissolved instantly into a pile of glitter and the doll was free!

outside of her skid row palace this morning, she hushed the naysayers with, "i don't know if you've ever mixed heroin and cocaine before..." no, she didn't, but you know she wanted to!

they're kiss until the death...

...or at least until they break up

now, no one will confirm shit - not even loose lips sodapop - but i suspect that jimmy has left katty cakes like a hot bag of rocks on front street for, well, for a lot of reasons. and who can blame him? the doll is the president of the worst girlfriend ever society and wrote the rulebook. i'm just saying. but to dump someone on their birthday?? unforgivable!

jimmy totally believed the doll's lies when she said that she and beau weren't shacking up while he was in jail, but she just had jimmy in a cloud of coke smoke and was bewitching him with promises of smoochy-wooches and kissy-wisses. it was all a sham! as soon as beau was arrested, the doll immediately ran to his side and that didn't sit well with jimmy. now that beau is out of jail thanks to the doll's hard earned cash, kiss finally threw up his hands and left the doll on the curb for, "beau to pick up the pieces." zing!

jimmy kiss is serious and even changed his address from : kathleen's pocket, 312 skid row, arcadia, to : one of the small squats above the disco room nightclub for £65 a week, cally alley, arcadia. he's far enough away from the doll for her to miss him, but close enough in case she decides that she wants him back.

with jimmy out of the way, kathleen now has lots and lots of time to do important shit, like kick it with beau, slam heroin, finish the next bible, guzzle hooch, sew sodapop's mouth shut, foilies and smoke her weight in doobies. sounds like her life is going to be great without kiss! what's the problem?

and, for what it's worth - those two will be back to shooting each other up in no time.

beau badman is the latest deadbeat to sing the jailhouse blues

jimmy kiss seen jumping up and clicking his heels in the streets

jimmy no longer has to deal with beau badman, the rotten lowlife, bumming his ciggies, smoking up his crack stash or borrowing his favorite trilby without asking - because beau has temporarily moved into the big house. jimmy is probably happier than a pig in a mud - recently released from jail and the one person he holds the most contempt for gets hemmed up for the time being? this shit couldn't be better if there was a dramatic score to accompany it. and, it looks like kiss believes kathleen when she says she only kissed beau. fool!

everything all started when baby babble invited him along to her hep parade  birthday photo shoot. she arrived at the studio at eleven in the morning and around midnight, when the "work" was done, kathleen decided to thank the crew by sending out for some booze.

naturally, it wasn't long before everyone was falling-down drunk. that's when "sticky fingers" beau decided to make his move and case the joint! the crew reported a bunch of shit -worth about £1,500 - missing the next morning. he took an american flag backdrop, a pair of moldy, old roller skates, a giant cat head and paws and a bunch of other worthless junk. damn, was that trash made out of gold or something? and he's got to be the dumbest criminal alive! why didn't he swipe any cameras or televisions or anything expensive? i'm sure there was plenty of that lying around. besides, if those people were so drunk, why didn't he just rob their asses? no shame in that - i would have.

so, the story goes that beau badman was charged and tossed in the can. good! i hope he stays there forever. i mean, WTF, beau? this is not magical free land where you can just do whatever you want all the time! but don't feel so bad. back in the day, the doll was sent to the slammer after she crashed her car into her own house while her license was on suspension. she was also high on pills when the incident took place. she promised she'd try really, really hard not to do it again and was released subsequently.

the best part was when the police showed up to the 312 to question kat and beau.

beau: "okay, so i stole the cat head and the flag and shit - whatever! i figured i'd give it back - i didn't know i'd have to walk the green mile for it."
cop: "so you're admitting that you stole the things?"
beau: "i took them!"
cop: "you took them, or you stole them?"
beau: "i...took them, like, borrowed it."
cop: "ok and did kathleen...."
doll: "don't look at me - i didn't touch shit."

the funny thing is, you know she totally did.