doll gets slapped around by irrelevant fan

doll is kinky; you heard it here first

this is so fucking dumb!! my hands are looking at me like "are you really typing this shit?" and YES!!!!! i am and you're going to love it.

last night the doll was at the cielan riot house in full doll force - ratted hair, ballet slippers, glazed-over look in her eyes - when photographers caught several perplexing and compromising photos of her.

she was out with - what the papers called - "cielan royalty",  gianni giotto, but if you ask me, anyone who puts hands on the beautiful one is nameless and irrelevant in my book.

anyways, in the beginning of the night, the two were snapped holding hands and locking lips.......but flash forward a couple of hours and she was snapped with his hands around her neck! now, most of us gave kathleen the side eye and thought : kinky; however, the evening took a turn for the worse when paparazzi later snagged photos of them in an upstairs suite, out on the balcony, and gianni was totally giving her a pimp-style backhand.

okay, i could have forgotten all about this, but today when kathleen exited the riot house, she looked like she had the shit beat out of her! our girl had a fat, busted lip, marks around her neck and bruises all over her legs! WTF?! 

press did some digging and found out that gianni is the half italian, half brazillian half bad boy who makes his living in cielo beating up beautiful women. just kidding. i'm not really what he does to make ends meet and whatever, no one cares! other than being a damn handsome hot piece, he doesn't really have much else going for him. and soon he won't have a pulse going for him, because once the doll's baby daddy joey kiss catches wind of this treachery, he'll have a funeral plot picked out and everything for gianni - bet.

in a way, though, i am not hating, because this is just the kind of panty-dropping hotness we need around here! 

meet the new coco rodriguez

meet bijoux boadicea

bijoux boadicea is the french-born, british actress who will debut in the doll's film. finally! the heavens can rejoice! the doll met bijoux years ago at the notorious freak fest and after a recent night of partying, kathleen decided she was best fit for coco. now the film world can be like, "argosy, who?" and miss boadicea will become a household name!

all i know is count von count holzy is probably clicking his warlock heels together and breathing a huge sigh of relief that stupid argosy is yesterday's news and thanks to the new and improved coco rodriguez, shady lake has been saved!

because, of course, the film has already become the titanic of movies and, even if we're not talking about the thousands of thousands of dollars that are still costing the production company daily to employ the production crew, let's talk about how, rain or shine, camera rolling or not, the doll still banks from the project. well, no fucking wonder!! i was very happy to place the blame on argosy's junkie shoulders but alas! i would be wrong...

anyways, holzy is due on location next week and kathleen is also expected to be in the building now that we have our star! also expect shady lake to be a bloated version of a 16-page short story the doll wrote a long ass time ago. the film's budget has to be assessed once again; the movie has had so many production problems, i'm sure people are genuinely surprised the film isn't a complete disaster right now. i know i am.

and now a little bit of ho wisdom from the doll

the doll has all the answers

no, she didn't do the walk of shame at arcadia high and deliver another after-school-special type of speech......it's fanmail time. whenever i get on my knees and begin to thank my lucky stars that the doll isn't answering fanmail anymore, another installation - most likely made possible by whatever slimy squad of heroin junkies that still read the shit - is released. *sigh* right when you think it's been buried, the doll grabs her favorite shovel and digs it back up.

now, while most women are fighting the good fight against man for equality, kathleen is busy telling her army of riot grrrls to "be a bad bitch" and pretty much milk your boyfriend for everything that's in his savings account.

the wisdom :

Q: Where are you right now?
A: with ur boyfriend lmao

Q: Why spending so much time at Arcadia High?
A: WUT CAN I SAY? i really love these high school boys.....see, i get older - they stay the same age

Q: Let me guess - you were only at Arcadia High School to be apart of Show and Tell?
A: guess again! he needed a ride + not the kind ur thinking

Q: I see now...can I get a ride? I'm on the corner of Cahuenga and Sunset...
A: ass, cash or grass - no one rides 4 free in the gravedigger

Q: Were you preppy in high school or a burnout? I really can't tell with you...
A: HOMECOMING QUEEN, PART-TIME MODEL + HEAD CHEERLEADER

Q: I just read you installment in this month's Pretty People Club - first of all, welcome back! Secondly, who in the hell is Ponyboy?
A: his real name is none of ur beeswax and he's jimmy's best pal, best buddy, longtime confidant and right hand man. he does mustang repair and is basically an all-american boy : eats apple pie, drives a mustang, plays lacrosse, his favorite food is cheeseburgers...

Q: What are your plans for the holidays?
A: try not to get arrested - if i do, write santa lickety split and ask 4 the charges to be dropped

Q: What did you get your loved ones for Christmas?
A: 1ST OF ALL WE CELEBRATE HANUKKAH IN THIS HOUSE BETTER RECOGNIZE
#2 DO I LOOK STUPID? WAIT DON;T ANSWER THAT

Q: What do you want for Christmas?
A: i asked santa for 100 pairs of fake eyelashes, a 1970s emboridered disco pantsuit, a copy of armageddon, to hire a professional blunt and/or doobie roller, to never pay taxes again, quaaludes to come back in style, a new pair of black riot grrrl boots, some crystals for my altar, a rose of jericho for good luck, shady lake to be finished already, a lifetime suppy of fake eyelashes and peace on earth

Q: Do you really think the 312 Dollhouse on "Skid Row" in Arcadia is the best place to raise your baby girl?
A: OUTER SPACE WOULD BE BEST - me and my blood are too good for this planet, we should really spread our good sense elsewhere in the universe

Q: How is Quetzy?
A: baby is fine she is just being the world's most coolest and hardxcore baby....she is generally either with ludo watching trashy reality television and learning what not to be like in the future. ludo consistently tries to brainwash her with the gospel of various vapid "celebrities" and i consistently have to reverse the effects with hours of making Q listen to selected rare riot grrrl vinyls

Q: How was Quetzy's first birthday?
A: BETTER THAN URS

Q: Jimmy Kiss was reportedly seen arriving to the Isle of Grimaldi nights before Quetzy's lavish birthday bash and spend that time at your beachfront mansion - did he stay with you?
A: UM YA he's practically my brother-in-law and @ one point it could have been him, so why wouldn't i oblige his old ass with one of our guest bedrooms LMAO

Q: Are you and Jimmy getting back together?
A: the day jimmy and i get back together is the day i grow a full-on unibomber beard

Q: What is your plan with Joey Kiss?
A: i;m on a non-plan plan with him....i take it day by day : some days i want to kill him and make it look like an accident; other days i want to push him down a flight of stairs and make it look like an accident; most days i want to make a litter of kids with him, but honestly a lot of the time i try to scheme up ways to murder him w/o getting caught via forensic evidence

Q: Have you ever used a man?
A: O HUNNAY ALL THE TIME! as a woman you can use ur cootie cat 2 turn any man into a walking ATM and/or a magic genie lamp for whatever ur heart desires

Q: Did you ever use Joey for his money?
A: LOL NO THAT TRICK IS BROKE AS A JOKE!!!!! ROFL! when i said as a woman it's easy 2 just seduce a man to when what you need, i definitely wasn't talking about him. seek maynard b. alberkraut his family is all up in that old arcadia $$$

Q: How would Maynard feel about being used?
A: PRBLY RLLY GR8 WHY / he is rich af and needed guidance on what to spend his hard-earned trust fund $ on

LOL, wow. while some women are fighting for equal pay and creating a new stigma for women aside from housewife, kathleen is busy making sure women know their lane and stay in it! IE : a woman's place is in the bedroom and she needs to stay there until she has full access to her man's offshore accounts.

happy hanukkah!

l'chaim, doll!

kathleen came back to life, back to reality today for shabbos dinner for hanukkah with the kiss family. yes, that means jimmy kiss was there and most likely he was in full wet mop force.

word on the street is that joey and kathleen's relationship is barely hanging on by a thread, so this dinner could really be a pivotal moment in keeping them together. so don't burn your JOEY + KAT 4EVA shirts quite yet, ya'll. no word as to if older bro, and shady lake 's executive producer, johnny kiss was in attendance, but grandmama kiss was in the house, which means ludo ludovic - head caretaker and nanny - had the night off to go watch pink flamingos or dance to madonna circa bedtime stories in his room or whatever the hell he does in his free time. it also means shixsa kathleen was preparing her favorite hors d'oeuvres : gefilte fish.

let's take a trip down memory lane to one of the doll's first encounters with the kiss family. she was still dating kiss son number 2, joey, at the time and was happily helping his mother prepare some traditional jewish dishes in the kitchen. just kidding! food is her kryptonite. story goes, instead of cooking, the doll snuck mama kiss shots of whiskey! our girl was supposed to help prepare gefilte fish, but as soon as she saw the ingredients, she turned her nose up and said it looked like "gross dog shit." go figure.

oh, speaking of tradition, uncle jimmy kiss is still in his feelings over his potential future sister-in-law kathleen. he probably sat at the dinner table with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face the whole time. he's that type.

if i was the doll, i would down a handful of sleeping pills ASAP ferg, hold the ferg, and hope to wake up when christmas is over. quetzy will be fine, she has midwife ludo and old head mama kiss to look after her.

before the doll was the doll....

.....she stayed at one-star hotels LOL

long before the doll was a household name and long before she could afford the riot house, our girl was just like us : paying bills, doing her taxes, living paycheck to paycheck, eating dry ramen sometimes, asking her mom to do her laundry, making it do with a do.........and apparently also staying in fleabag motels!

kathleen shared a story with the pretty people club magazine today about her foray into the industry and how she knew she would eventually be a famous queen that we all fear and bow down to. everything she shared was *yawns* old news and basically if you have read the tl;dr hep parade true cielo story, you already know; but the best part of the interview came when baby babble blabbed about the sketchiest hotel room she ever stayed in; and no, it wasn't during a cocaine-fueled night at the riot house LOL.

let's take it back to early Y2K when the clothes looked like they were from the future and you were still cool if you had a basic ass flip phone - the doll was under 21 and still trying to get her career off the ground. as it was, she traveled around from arcadia to cielo to the isle of grimaldi and sometimes even as far as monticello for meetings with pretty much anyone who had lots of money to back the doll's dreams and faith that she wouldn't do too many drugs and OD before her dreams came true.

on one particular night in grimaldi, after a long day of meetings with publishing houses, the doll decided to crash locally instead of hopping a flight back home to arcadia. well, i don't know if the hotel room was on sale or if the beautiful one was low-key on a budget and not saying, because she ended up selecting a motel (not hotel, mind you) that cockroaches were even too proud to call home.

kathleen told the pretty people club that she was traveling with then boyfriend jimmy kiss, his best friend/heroin dealer, known as ponyboy, as well as future best friend angel astazia and she booked a room last minute so that the squad could get some rest before hitting the grindstone again the next day. only thing? the room was literally a mix between a twilight zone episode and a time machine trip back to 1993 : the TV was legit chained to the wall and clearly picked up from a pawn shop in the 80s, with only 7 channels to boot and 5 of them were static; there were bullet holes in the door; there was no phone in the room and no cell phone reception; the room smelled like dust and shattered hopes; jimmy kiss had to donkey-kick the A/C to make it work; the carpet looked like it was from the movie the shining and thus made the party feel like they were in the shining and about to murder each other; there was a creepy locked cabinet placed conveniently in front of the beds and looked as if it had a recording device inside; wifi was a joke - dial-up would have been more efficient and the only working internet was in the lobby where everyone and their sister was camped out, taking up any and all free space; the bed sheets were made of a polyester-plastic blend; there was a lovely prison yard-looking, basketball-type court in the back of the hotel that looked to be a hotspot for rapes and drug deals and, last but not least, the four got stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes on their escape from the sketchiest motel ever and almost died. oh, and the toilet wouldn't flush. but for some reason i think that was the least of their worries. it was like a low-grade tropical oasis jail-style getaway!

speaking of jail - at the time, jimmy kiss was facing a week incarceration for being jimmy kiss, and kathleen remarked to the pretty people club, "i asked jimmy kiss for only one favor when he went to jail : i told him that if jail ends up being better than the room we had in grimaldi...i wanted to know about it." i have a very strong feeling jimmy reported back to kathleen that he would rather go to jail any day of the week LOL.

doll resurfaces

kathleen keeps it 100% professional at shady lake photo call

right now i'm wearing sweats, a ratty t-shirt and flip-flops with socks (which i affectionately call the "tropical geisha" look) and i'm sure i look like shit but my outfit is black tie compared to what the doll wore to the arcadian photo call for shady lake tonight. i mean, it's not like she's a multi-millionaire or anything...even though she could totally pass for a hobo. seriously, she looked like she was representing the homeless community of arcadia last night.

i just can never tell if kathleen doesn't give any fucks or gives too many fucks. she is always walking that tightrope; her look is part homeless, part runway model, but still - was she trying? or was this effortless? she obviously knew she would have all the eyeballs in the room glued to her if she showed up dressed like she had just left a pool party.

let's be real, bitch wore a bikini and a kimono and she didn't even wear shoes. shoes!!

ugh. what if one of her stupid snotty upper echelon friends broke a fancy ass diamond-encrusted champagne flute or something? regular ass people can't even go into stores without shoes on, but the doll's VIP ass can show up to a work event without her hooves covered.

she looked like she literally rolled off of whatever patio chair she was sleeping on poolside, did some lines, crawled into a limo and then slithered onto the red carpet.

i just have one question - WTF is the doll doing a public appearance for? why didn't anyone in her camp stop her? she is giving us 2008 cokey doll realness and that means everyone and their sister is eating it up. her people should know better than to let her do a photo shoot...after a heavily publicized drug binge...in a bikini...in december...

happy thanksgiving!

doll is still on a bender

while the rest of the country is stuffing their faces full of food, baby babble is currently shoveling mountains of blow up her nose. loose-lipped brother sodapop cola and resident loudmouth told the media that his sister was still AWOL and probably out doing boatloads of drugs. he reported that kathleen left baby quetzy lux with the nanny almost 2 weeks ago, said, "good luck!" and disappeared off into the fading sun.

very few from heard from her, but, brother sodapop cola, baby daddy joey kiss, wrangler headlock, cook shuggie bo bellski, all of the nasty punks from the lost boys, nanny ludo ludovic, ex-boo jimmy kiss, supposed best friend angel astazia, her publicist, her assistant, everyone at the pretty people headquarters, all her old drug dealers...they all have on thing in common and it's that they haven't gotten one phone call, text message, kite, letter, etc. from our girl. she is totally off the grid.

sodapop did say, though, that a bellboy from the riot house in cielo called joey kiss the other day and said that she had left some personal effects there, including - you guessed it - a big bag of pills!

LOL. i guess we know what the doll is thankful for...

our doll, the ghost

doll goes where no one knows her name

years ago, kathleen's company was so worried about her cracky ways and tired of having to explain why she was consistently late and cracked out at important business functions, so they hired johnny "headlock" to wrangle her scrawny ass in and out of clubs. headlock has lived with her ever since and is basically a father figure, part-time savior and full-time shining light in the doll's life.

well, he should be fired because after all these years in the job, he should know better than to sleep on the doll! she is as elusive and quick as the wind - one minute you see her, the next minute she's gone!

it's typical of 2011 doll to do this but i thought she turned over a new leaf!! i mean, she ditched her gross, black tar heroin-stained ballet slippers; her homage to 1960s housewives-looking ratty blonde beehive; her kinderwhore babydoll dresses; her hippie witch 1970s mood rings....i could go on.

she has since replaced her 2011 look with a slightly updated and more glamorous 2K15 version and we have all been applauding in her direction since. however, she seemed to have kept some of her old habits and managed to give headlock the slip several days ago while shopping. she hasn't been heard from since and headlock has sent an all doll points bulletin to baby daddy kiss, the police and all major drug dealers in the area for her safe return.

i'm sure she's fine, holed up in a penthouse suite somewhere with a boytoy and a large pile of white powder. she'll be back....when she runs out of petty cash or when she runs out of fake eyelashes - trust.

happy 1st birthday baby q!

baby quetzy lux turns the big 1!

happy birthday quetzy! it seems like just yesterday your mother and our reigning queen of the tabloids, kathleen, announced that she was knocked up with you and from that moment on, the whole world impatiently awaited your arrival.

to celebrate their money (and quetzy luxy sunshine whatchamacallit's first birthday), kathleen and joey temporarily stopped throwing shade at each other to throw a mini music festival in the backyard of their grimaldi mansion - "the coco cave" - this afternoon. there was a ferris wheel, food carts, teepees, a bounce house, two music stages, a makeshift tattoo parlor, face painting for deadbeat dads, carnival rides, a fireworks show and all sorts of other pointless shit that only rich people can afford...

i have a feeling quetzy lux will fondly remember her first birthday party when, in 15 years, she tells her therapist that it's the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born to a pack of wild coyotes instead of a pack of it-crowd junkies.

the party was a hit but i honestly i couldn't tell you if quetzy was even at her own party because she wasn't in any of the released pictures. come to think of it - she was probably having her own party with her real family : her nannies, drivers and bodyguards. #fame

and while quetzy was totally styled in baby couture with swarovski diapers and a gilded crystal baby bottle; the doll was looking a little rough around the edges. kathleen looked like she was styled by cocaine. she was obviously paying an homage to herself via 2006-2008 and i really just want to applaud her for not finding the nearest mirror, ripping it off the wall and doing lines all day...even though she looked like it...

joey kiss is pushing the doll over the edge

baby daddy kiss is pissing off his girl and she is going to let everyone know about it!!

apparently since the doll is still in arcadia and baby daddy joey kiss is in the studio with the lost boys in grimaldi, the pair have been communicating prison style via phone calls and letters....

....only the phone calls and letters from the doll are not being returned!! kathleen is fuming over a series of heartfelt messages she left for joey that are a week overdue from being returned and she has taken to every media outlet to let him know it!

she told reporters, "joey kiss - you are very visible and i see your every move. i know where you are and i know what you're up to." scary.

you don't think she's implying joey is cheating? i don't know and i don't give one fuck, i just hope the doll checks him! he shouldn't be off on some party island not responding to his girl! WTF?

in other doll news, the kisses' PR rep did confirm some LOL-worthy news : there was a blind item floating around grimaldi that joey lost his wallet and was begging rich friends for a flight to france to "clear his mind." ROFL - more like cloud his mind with smoke from chasing the dragon! why in the hell is he trying to go to france? joey kiss is more about that doing crack in a gross basement while punk music blares from a shitty speaker not that classy hoity-toity european life, let's be real.

guess whose been blacklisted?

none other than bae baebel...

when the doll's phone rings and on the other end it's a sad, panicky bae baebel, do you think she accepts the charges for the prison phone call or nah? today we found out that the answer was or nah, because kathleen has blacklisted him from her fleet and basically abandoned in jail.

he was arrested for being bae baebel and being a degenerate in all aspects of life and no one knows or cares how long he'll be in the can for. especially our girl! she let the phone ring twice, realized who it was and hung up. LOL. file this under "shit you already saw coming" and keep moving.

it's a good thing kathleen is back under joey kiss' charms and spells - otherwise you know she would totally be slinking into the jail to have conjugal visits. she is not above it. besides, at night all cats are grey and the doll can't see very well, so you get the picture.

in other doll news, there's a rumor going around arcadia that she is texting director of shady lake, hans von holzhausen, again...but here's the plot twist - now he's got a girlfriend. *gulp*

doll goes back to high school

to give speech about saying "no" to drugs

LOL, the irony.

well apparently a "broken" ankle isn't going to stop the doll! she was booked today in arcadia at their local high school to deliver a speech, and deliver a speech she did! now, she might have been higher than a cessna jet on painkillers at the time, but that's her own business.

kathleen, sodapop, baby q and angel astazia took to the auditorium of arcadia high school to deliver a two-hour speech about the dangers of drugs use. basically the doll spent 5 minutes telling the kids, "don't do drugs, stay in school," etc., and then spent the rest of the time regaling the crowd with party stories.

as in, she told the story of the time her and lost boys were partying extra hard at the riot house and bassist biggles accidentally dropped some speed instead of his usual dose of heroin and had a seizure onstage. the band, thinking biggles was just being his usual jazzy self, thought nothing of it and didn't realize it was an overdose. oops! biggles lived to tell the tale and the moral of his story was to basically double-check what drugs you're taking before you accidentally speedball and die.

kathleen also talked about the time when she was a teenage dirtbag, baby, and how she spent more time partying than actually in class...but then she ended the narrative with how she graduated senior year with a 4.5! she didn't mention whose dick she had to suck to get those grades, but still...

the best part, though, came when kathleen wrapped up her speech by telling the minors to "play it safe" and "only smoke doobies." go doll. if weed is a gateway drug, kathleen is in charge of the gates.

doll to pen a book of pictures

LOL, yes, you read that right

the last time author and legend, kathleen "the doll" grace, sat down to write a book, it was 2013 and she wrote ☺ and the planets realigned because of it, because ☺ is everything. i'm not 100% sure, but i believe there is a copy of ☺ in every library in the world, because that's how important it is to mankind. well, now in addition to ♥, she will also be creating a book of polaroids to accompany her long awaited sequel.

according to kathleen's personal relations rep - aka sodapop - the book won't be full of pictures detailing drug use, wasted celebrity friends, upscale bourgeois VIP riot house parties and other heavy shit worth note, instead it will be a selection of choice photos that further illustrate the life of our doll.

ugh. boring! sounds like it's going to be a lot of selfies, a lot of joey kiss with his hair slicked back and a cigarette pack rolled up into his tee-shirt, and a couple pictures of baby q drooling on toys. yawn! need more doll smoking doobies on the toilet, drunk 'it' girls puking on their designer clothes and sex. otherwise, i'm not shelling out upwards of £20 to look at a book that should be rated PG-13.

the doll commented on her new book, which doesn't have a name right now, by saying : "i am over the moon to share my personal photographs with fans. i don't want to disappoint."

i have a good idea for the name of her book. she should call it :the doll : a disappointing look at my life in pictures, minus the drug use, threesomes and bloodletting. it'll be flying off bookshelves everywhere by 2016!

doll rolls ankle in grimaldi

our girl is such a clumsy clown!

baby mama kathleen and her counterpart joey kiss are currently on a lovely family holiday with baby quetzalith lux on the isle of 8-balls. she was bike riding with joey today throughout the island when, in a series of quick, unfortunate, unplanned, shambolic movements, she took a tumble. i wanted to add 'cat-like' and 'graceful' there, but i can't because kathleen actually injured herself. no word on if she was super drunk at the time, but my guess is hell yes, totally yes, she was...

anyways, joey kiss, in a series of actions similar to that of a greek god, scooped up his girl and carried her to the nearest business until an ambulance came. yes, a fucking ambulance.

she was immediately rushed to hospital and treated as if she had just been in a major automobile accident. she emerged from the ER in a walking cast hours later and skipped happily off into the sunset with a prescription for heavy duty pain pills. hurrah!

doll takes long weekend in grimaldi

she's in town to work the local homeless shelter, donate scholarships to junior riot grrrls and scout a preschool for baby q

...just kidding! she's landed on the isle of grimaldi to shop baby daddy joey kiss' money at boutique shops, walk on the strip with baby q in the pram and lounge poolside with books from the local library. she is definitely not in town to work or do anything of substance. unless it's cocaine. or heroin. she's quite partial to both.

the two kisses landed and dropped baby q off at their penthouse in downtown grimaldi, just minutes away from their luxurious cocoanut gables mansion. the mansion is also minutes from "the strip" - aka front street - which could easily pass as the sister to bethel boulevard in cielo, where the original, doll-owned riot house stands. front street is home to the many nightclubs, bars, restaurants and hotels of hustling, bustling grimaldi and within walking distance from kathleen's coco cave. one of the favorites of the couple is the historical playboy club, modeled after the famous magazine. the two have been snapped by the paps there several times, looking very disheveled and like kathleen was channeling 2012's spirit to come and revamp her body.

the isle holds a rich history and many celebrities have resided there. kathleen's home was formerly owned by toca trocadero, notorious nightclub and bar owner who founded the clubs that populate the strip still to this day.

now, he was said to have been a gangster, during his heyday in the 40s, and that he ran illegal gambling in the back of his establishments.

kathleen, who is familiar with the stories surrounding toca's name, took a nod from one of nightclub designs and in the riot house she has secret passageways between certain rooms, the kitchen, the bar and the VIP area; all of the passageways lead to an exit, a necessity in case of any police presence.

shady lake still in production

the doll : "holzy who?"

the doll's brainchild shady lake is slowly turning into the doll's million-dollar-a-day brainchild, because she hasn't been on set in weeks! sodapop tells newspapers that even though his sister hasn't been there, she's definitely still involved with the project. so involved, in fact, that kathleen is taunting her costars as the killer would in the film.

now, everyone knows that the doll is trying to get some award nominations from her film and she's willing to do what it takes to get it. including, but not limited to, sending her costars dead animals...

sodapop told papers that because shady lake is a horror movie, kathleen sent each of her costars a personalized love letter in character as the killer, in a black box with a dead mouse inside. she then sent along a video and according to one of the costars, "it blew our minds away. we knew then that it was real." yeah, it's real alright. real fucking annoying. i'm sure all of the people working on the shady lake set want to strangle kathleen and would like her to get the show on the road already!

ever since argosy burns was fired in a very "bye puta!" way, kathleen has yet to find a replacement for her character, coco rodriguez. because of this, filming is costing an arm and a leg daily, with nothing to show for it! now, there was word going around that our doll would step in for the role, but someone from the doll's camp has neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. i'm sure her backers will pressure her soon enough into finding whatever 20-something, skinny, bleached-blonde cokehead-looking model type washes up in the casting room.

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

lost boys' music video casting call is worthy of an eyeroll

sidenote : joey kiss is in the doghouse

since it's 2012 all over again, joey kiss reformed with punk band and mates, the lost boys. and because they'll be promoting their old album and new tour for L3 M30W, they are set to record a music video for their song and doll favorite, "mary likes to shoot darts" to promote the tour.

only thing is...their casting call sheet got into the hands of the wrong reporter, who decided to use it for the powers of evil! it read :

"we are looking for a young, early 20s blonde girl for our next video. please make sure to read the attached script before coming in. wardrobe note : black (or dark) form fitting tank that shows off cleavage (push up bras encouraged). and form fitting leggings or jeans. nothing white."

i know, the note really shocked me too - i'm sure we all thought that the serious actresses auditioning for a dirty punk band music video were only asked to provide a diploma from an ivy league school and to prepare three dramatic shakespearean monologues LOL. i honestly couldn't even care what the premise of the music video is. it sounds like it's about a big breasted blonde girl who wears tight clothes and probably bangs a bunch of old punkers who looked like they just rolled out of a hobo's coffin.

anyways, kathleen is currently pissed at joey, because he produces all of the band's music videos and obvio had some sort of hand in the situation. um...i don't think it takes stephen hawking to figure that the "blondes only" nod in the note was a dead giveaway that joey ghostwrote it...

magnet + steel

i am flying 41,000 feet over arcadia, to the isle of grimaldi, with arcadia's sweethearts, cielo's 'it' couple - kathleen "the doll" grace and her bad boy paramour joey kiss - and we are all about to die.

a hurricane is on the rise and heading for grimaldi, the captain warns overhead. joey looks around, as if waiting for an overwhelming panic, shrugs and lights a cigarette. perhaps his last before the final stoney steps towards the grave that awaits him and its grisly load. the plane bounces, jerks and then subsides into the stormy, grey clouds. kathleen is fast asleep, silky mask secured across her eyes and ear plugs in place. joey removes the mini champagne bottle she had been clutching before finally giving in to slumber, lest she would still be holding it, à la neely o' hara, minus the pills. he downs the rest of it and nervously fiddles with his safety belt under the ride becomes smooth again.

outside the airport, kathleen's famed handler, headlock, is waiting. as soon as the moist grimaldi air hits her, kathleen takes a breath of freedom and lights a cigarette after glancing nonchalantly at the 'no smoking' sign. she then nods to joey kiss to schlep their luggage in the car. he does so without a grunt or even an under the breath comment.

as he is doing so, a young teenager strolls up to him. "you're joey kiss, aren't you?"

"sure am buddy," joey says in a very leave-it-to-beaver kind of way, as if he was about to reach out and tousle the kid's hair.

"wow, you play for the lost boys don't you? they are the coolest band, i just love the lost boys." joey basks in the attention, beaming a grin, until the fan says, "didn't you try to, you know, kill yourself?"

the smile fades from joey's lip and he curls into his famous sneer. he playfully grabs the kid's collar and says, "to think i was about to give you my autograph."

kathleen, obviously having watched the entire scene play out, rolls down her window at this point and chimes in, "and it wasn't a suicide attempt - he took too many pills, okay? mind your own beeswax, you little brat!"

she flicks her cigarette in the kid's direction and slips back inside the towncar, bound for a destination known only to the driver. joey slams the trunk satisfactorily and lights his own cigarette. he clambers into the seat next to her without so much as a "scoot over." perhaps the near death experience made joey a changed man : a person the tabloids describe as a 'loser baby daddy' who was basically a hanger-on of the doll. or perhaps he truly does love her?

headlock pulls up to a gate, behind a beaten, sandy driveway. he gets out of the car and walks to the speakerbox, says something quickly and then hops back into the car, as the ancient gate rattles open. he shifts the towncar into first and it sluggishly heads up the driveway.

behind the gate, there isn't much. i can't help but wonder what the purpose of the gate even is, considering the remains. the property consists of a derelict theatre, seated upon the sand, possibly an old drive-in or possibly an old outdoor acting arena; albeit, well past it's operational days. tall, flowering plumeria bushes grow all around, veiling us in privacy. vines weave their way through the cracked floorboards and up the walls of the structure. it looks as if it had withstood a hurricane and could collapse at any moment. behind what was once a screen is a glimmering ocean and a fading sun. seagulls chirp as they float on the breeze, scanning the beach for any potential crumbs left from its daily visitors.

the remnants of last night's bonfire crackle as the embers travel to their final resting place. dead soldier beer bottles outline the circular fire pit. a lonely whiskey bottle is lying near the shore; the incoming tide washes over it, nearly dragging it out to sea with the ebb and flow. soft music plays on the outdoor system - something from the post-woodstock, pre-punk era.

the tattered theatre chairs - once cushioned to support the bodies that occupied them, now ratted and forgotten - are covered in sheets and blankets, as if locals used the area as a makeshift shelter in times of need. candles burn on the stage, amidst fresh flowers, trinkets, charms and the like - an altar for the doll.

beside the theatre stands a moderately sized warehouse-seeming structure, most likely used for storing movie goods during its heydey; but has since been converted into a loft-style dwelling. inside, the space is sweeping and open.

joey, upstairs, leans against a rail. he is shirtless, hair dissheveled, in tattered blue jeans and is busying himself with rolling a joint. he looks like he could easily pass for an extra from any 70s nostalgia film about rock 'n' roll. as kathleen makes her way inside, he smiles, watching her from above. the smile wasn't an amused one, as if she had just said something comical; but familiar - like realizing one of her cute dispositions she possesed, like always biting the side of her lip when she was focusing on something, and how much he loved her for it. the smile was too loving and begged the question : how could they ever be apart from one another?

perhaps we truly do not know kathleen grace or joey kiss. perhaps they are not the figures, up high on the pedestal of arcadia and cielo, with pasts as dark as the midnight hour; therefore we know them not, and villians are they none. if anything, kathleen is magnet and joey is steel.

joey makes his way down the spiral staircase as headlock plops down the final bag and looks around. he is clear and concise. "why buy this piece of shit spot, even if it is next door?" and everything clicks. this is not just some hideout, under the radar, where the two young lovers could avoid the harsh scrutiny of press, opinionated fans and media alike. this property is sandwiched in between the ocean and the famed "coco cave" kathleen attained last summer. with this acquisition, she can finally breathe. a truly private piece of land.

across the way, beyond the out of control bougainvillea, orange touch-me-nots and lanky philodendrons, stands a four-story mansion, fit for a queen. the house, obviously empty, lurks like an abandoned museum in the dusk of night - creepy and still.

greek gods and goddesses line the entrance to the "coco cave" - 261 cocoanut gables lane and can be seen standing tall throughout the gardens, as if watching over the domain while the two kisses are next door. kathleen confesses that she has been studying greek and roman mythology for the past year and found herself inspired. she then adds, "well, that and the shining."

the home is nearly finished and will be furnished by the winter, she estimates. a mix between italian villa and french chateau; the estate is a total of 50 acres, 10 of which include the home and formal gardens and 40 acres are the native forest, as well as the cocoanut gables theatre. it was then i understood. she has shown me the doll in all her glory: the private jet, the mansion - her house on the hill - her rattling towncar, and at last, her hideaway.

it may not be much, or to some it may be a palace, but it is all for the doll.

joey kiss wants to "put the paws" on bae

doll goes to strip club to blow off steam, gets called a bitch, gunshots are fired

kathleen doesn't think "chilling" means curling up with a good book and a cappuccino. her idea of "chilling" consists of going to the nearest strip club, smoking a blunt, popping a bottle and throwing money at her favorite stripper with butterfly butt tats. which is exactly what she planned on doing last night...

on a sidenote, i would normally refer to joey kiss as kathleen's loser baby daddy ex who was a total waste of her time, but after his noble actions last night, he's back to joey kiss. he, kathleen and BFF staz were out at big booty judy's last night - probably still coming down from their acid trip - when they bumped into two clowns : argosy and bae. um, shouldn't argosy be eating for two and deciding what to name her kid? what is she doing out at the club?

regardless, words were exchanged and it wasn't long before argosy called kathleen a "bitch." and, no, not 'our bad bitch,' or, 'head bitch,' or, '#1 bitch,' - it wasn't the good kind.

in a matter of seconds, the dollars stopped flying and bullets rang out. shots were fired from the VIP section; two people were injured and one person was pronounced dead at the crime scene. yikes.

outside, kathleen told reporters that their group had nothing to do with the gunfire, but baby daddy joey did add, in reference to bae, "i want to rough him up, you feel me? i want to put the paws on him."

ROFL joey, go right ahead, no one is stopping you!