and now a little bit of ho wisdom from the doll

the doll has all the answers

no, she didn't do the walk of shame at arcadia high and deliver another after-school-special type of speech......it's fanmail time. whenever i get on my knees and begin to thank my lucky stars that the doll isn't answering fanmail anymore, another installation - most likely made possible by whatever slimy squad of heroin junkies that still read the shit - is released. *sigh* right when you think it's been buried, the doll grabs her favorite shovel and digs it back up.

now, while most women are fighting the good fight against man for equality, kathleen is busy telling her army of riot grrrls to "be a bad bitch" and pretty much milk your boyfriend for everything that's in his savings account.

the wisdom :

Q: Where are you right now?
A: with ur boyfriend lmao

Q: Why spending so much time at Arcadia High?
A: WUT CAN I SAY? i really love these high school boys.....see, i get older - they stay the same age

Q: Let me guess - you were only at Arcadia High School to be apart of Show and Tell?
A: guess again! he needed a ride + not the kind ur thinking

Q: I see now...can I get a ride? I'm on the corner of Cahuenga and Sunset...
A: ass, cash or grass - no one rides 4 free in the gravedigger

Q: Were you preppy in high school or a burnout? I really can't tell with you...
A: HOMECOMING QUEEN, PART-TIME MODEL + HEAD CHEERLEADER

Q: I just read you installment in this month's Pretty People Club - first of all, welcome back! Secondly, who in the hell is Ponyboy?
A: his real name is none of ur beeswax and he's jimmy's best pal, best buddy, longtime confidant and right hand man. he does mustang repair and is basically an all-american boy : eats apple pie, drives a mustang, plays lacrosse, his favorite food is cheeseburgers...

Q: What are your plans for the holidays?
A: try not to get arrested - if i do, write santa lickety split and ask 4 the charges to be dropped

Q: What did you get your loved ones for Christmas?
A: 1ST OF ALL WE CELEBRATE HANUKKAH IN THIS HOUSE BETTER RECOGNIZE
#2 DO I LOOK STUPID? WAIT DON;T ANSWER THAT

Q: What do you want for Christmas?
A: i asked santa for 100 pairs of fake eyelashes, a 1970s emboridered disco pantsuit, a copy of armageddon, to hire a professional blunt and/or doobie roller, to never pay taxes again, quaaludes to come back in style, a new pair of black riot grrrl boots, some crystals for my altar, a rose of jericho for good luck, shady lake to be finished already, a lifetime suppy of fake eyelashes and peace on earth

Q: Do you really think the 312 Dollhouse on "Skid Row" in Arcadia is the best place to raise your baby girl?
A: OUTER SPACE WOULD BE BEST - me and my blood are too good for this planet, we should really spread our good sense elsewhere in the universe

Q: How is Quetzy?
A: baby is fine she is just being the world's most coolest and hardxcore baby....she is generally either with ludo watching trashy reality television and learning what not to be like in the future. ludo consistently tries to brainwash her with the gospel of various vapid "celebrities" and i consistently have to reverse the effects with hours of making Q listen to selected rare riot grrrl vinyls

Q: How was Quetzy's first birthday?
A: BETTER THAN URS

Q: Jimmy Kiss was reportedly seen arriving to the Isle of Grimaldi nights before Quetzy's lavish birthday bash and spend that time at your beachfront mansion - did he stay with you?
A: UM YA he's practically my brother-in-law and @ one point it could have been him, so why wouldn't i oblige his old ass with one of our guest bedrooms LMAO

Q: Are you and Jimmy getting back together?
A: the day jimmy and i get back together is the day i grow a full-on unibomber beard

Q: What is your plan with Joey Kiss?
A: i;m on a non-plan plan with him....i take it day by day : some days i want to kill him and make it look like an accident; other days i want to push him down a flight of stairs and make it look like an accident; most days i want to make a litter of kids with him, but honestly a lot of the time i try to scheme up ways to murder him w/o getting caught via forensic evidence

Q: Have you ever used a man?
A: O HUNNAY ALL THE TIME! as a woman you can use ur cootie cat 2 turn any man into a walking ATM and/or a magic genie lamp for whatever ur heart desires

Q: Did you ever use Joey for his money?
A: LOL NO THAT TRICK IS BROKE AS A JOKE!!!!! ROFL! when i said as a woman it's easy 2 just seduce a man to when what you need, i definitely wasn't talking about him. seek maynard b. alberkraut his family is all up in that old arcadia $$$

Q: How would Maynard feel about being used?
A: PRBLY RLLY GR8 WHY / he is rich af and needed guidance on what to spend his hard-earned trust fund $ on

LOL, wow. while some women are fighting for equal pay and creating a new stigma for women aside from housewife, kathleen is busy making sure women know their lane and stay in it! IE : a woman's place is in the bedroom and she needs to stay there until she has full access to her man's offshore accounts.

before the doll was the doll....

.....she stayed at one-star hotels LOL

long before the doll was a household name and long before she could afford the riot house, our girl was just like us : paying bills, doing her taxes, living paycheck to paycheck, eating dry ramen sometimes, asking her mom to do her laundry, making it do with a do.........and apparently also staying in fleabag motels!

kathleen shared a story with the pretty people club magazine today about her foray into the industry and how she knew she would eventually be a famous queen that we all fear and bow down to. everything she shared was *yawns* old news and basically if you have read the tl;dr hep parade true cielo story, you already know; but the best part of the interview came when baby babble blabbed about the sketchiest hotel room she ever stayed in; and no, it wasn't during a cocaine-fueled night at the riot house LOL.

let's take it back to early Y2K when the clothes looked like they were from the future and you were still cool if you had a basic ass flip phone - the doll was under 21 and still trying to get her career off the ground. as it was, she traveled around from arcadia to cielo to the isle of grimaldi and sometimes even as far as monticello for meetings with pretty much anyone who had lots of money to back the doll's dreams and faith that she wouldn't do too many drugs and OD before her dreams came true.

on one particular night in grimaldi, after a long day of meetings with publishing houses, the doll decided to crash locally instead of hopping a flight back home to arcadia. well, i don't know if the hotel room was on sale or if the beautiful one was low-key on a budget and not saying, because she ended up selecting a motel (not hotel, mind you) that cockroaches were even too proud to call home.

kathleen told the pretty people club that she was traveling with then boyfriend jimmy kiss, his best friend/heroin dealer, known as ponyboy, as well as future best friend angel astazia and she booked a room last minute so that the squad could get some rest before hitting the grindstone again the next day. only thing? the room was literally a mix between a twilight zone episode and a time machine trip back to 1993 : the TV was legit chained to the wall and clearly picked up from a pawn shop in the 80s, with only 7 channels to boot and 5 of them were static; there were bullet holes in the door; there was no phone in the room and no cell phone reception; the room smelled like dust and shattered hopes; jimmy kiss had to donkey-kick the A/C to make it work; the carpet looked like it was from the movie the shining and thus made the party feel like they were in the shining and about to murder each other; there was a creepy locked cabinet placed conveniently in front of the beds and looked as if it had a recording device inside; wifi was a joke - dial-up would have been more efficient and the only working internet was in the lobby where everyone and their sister was camped out, taking up any and all free space; the bed sheets were made of a polyester-plastic blend; there was a lovely prison yard-looking, basketball-type court in the back of the hotel that looked to be a hotspot for rapes and drug deals and, last but not least, the four got stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes on their escape from the sketchiest motel ever and almost died. oh, and the toilet wouldn't flush. but for some reason i think that was the least of their worries. it was like a low-grade tropical oasis jail-style getaway!

speaking of jail - at the time, jimmy kiss was facing a week incarceration for being jimmy kiss, and kathleen remarked to the pretty people club, "i asked jimmy kiss for only one favor when he went to jail : i told him that if jail ends up being better than the room we had in grimaldi...i wanted to know about it." i have a very strong feeling jimmy reported back to kathleen that he would rather go to jail any day of the week LOL.

happy thanksgiving!

doll is still on a bender

while the rest of the country is stuffing their faces full of food, baby babble is currently shoveling mountains of blow up her nose. loose-lipped brother sodapop cola and resident loudmouth told the media that his sister was still AWOL and probably out doing boatloads of drugs. he reported that kathleen left baby quetzy lux with the nanny almost 2 weeks ago, said, "good luck!" and disappeared off into the fading sun.

very few from heard from her, but, brother sodapop cola, baby daddy joey kiss, wrangler headlock, cook shuggie bo bellski, all of the nasty punks from the lost boys, nanny ludo ludovic, ex-boo jimmy kiss, supposed best friend angel astazia, her publicist, her assistant, everyone at the pretty people headquarters, all her old drug dealers...they all have on thing in common and it's that they haven't gotten one phone call, text message, kite, letter, etc. from our girl. she is totally off the grid.

sodapop did say, though, that a bellboy from the riot house in cielo called joey kiss the other day and said that she had left some personal effects there, including - you guessed it - a big bag of pills!

LOL. i guess we know what the doll is thankful for...

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

magnet + steel

i am flying 41,000 feet over arcadia, to the isle of grimaldi, with arcadia's sweethearts, cielo's 'it' couple - kathleen "the doll" grace and her bad boy paramour joey kiss - and we are all about to die.

a hurricane is on the rise and heading for grimaldi, the captain warns overhead. joey looks around, as if waiting for an overwhelming panic, shrugs and lights a cigarette. perhaps his last before the final stoney steps towards the grave that awaits him and its grisly load. the plane bounces, jerks and then subsides into the stormy, grey clouds. kathleen is fast asleep, silky mask secured across her eyes and ear plugs in place. joey removes the mini champagne bottle she had been clutching before finally giving in to slumber, lest she would still be holding it, à la neely o' hara, minus the pills. he downs the rest of it and nervously fiddles with his safety belt under the ride becomes smooth again.

outside the airport, kathleen's famed handler, headlock, is waiting. as soon as the moist grimaldi air hits her, kathleen takes a breath of freedom and lights a cigarette after glancing nonchalantly at the 'no smoking' sign. she then nods to joey kiss to schlep their luggage in the car. he does so without a grunt or even an under the breath comment.

as he is doing so, a young teenager strolls up to him. "you're joey kiss, aren't you?"

"sure am buddy," joey says in a very leave-it-to-beaver kind of way, as if he was about to reach out and tousle the kid's hair.

"wow, you play for the lost boys don't you? they are the coolest band, i just love the lost boys." joey basks in the attention, beaming a grin, until the fan says, "didn't you try to, you know, kill yourself?"

the smile fades from joey's lip and he curls into his famous sneer. he playfully grabs the kid's collar and says, "to think i was about to give you my autograph."

kathleen, obviously having watched the entire scene play out, rolls down her window at this point and chimes in, "and it wasn't a suicide attempt - he took too many pills, okay? mind your own beeswax, you little brat!"

she flicks her cigarette in the kid's direction and slips back inside the towncar, bound for a destination known only to the driver. joey slams the trunk satisfactorily and lights his own cigarette. he clambers into the seat next to her without so much as a "scoot over." perhaps the near death experience made joey a changed man : a person the tabloids describe as a 'loser baby daddy' who was basically a hanger-on of the doll. or perhaps he truly does love her?

headlock pulls up to a gate, behind a beaten, sandy driveway. he gets out of the car and walks to the speakerbox, says something quickly and then hops back into the car, as the ancient gate rattles open. he shifts the towncar into first and it sluggishly heads up the driveway.

behind the gate, there isn't much. i can't help but wonder what the purpose of the gate even is, considering the remains. the property consists of a derelict theatre, seated upon the sand, possibly an old drive-in or possibly an old outdoor acting arena; albeit, well past it's operational days. tall, flowering plumeria bushes grow all around, veiling us in privacy. vines weave their way through the cracked floorboards and up the walls of the structure. it looks as if it had withstood a hurricane and could collapse at any moment. behind what was once a screen is a glimmering ocean and a fading sun. seagulls chirp as they float on the breeze, scanning the beach for any potential crumbs left from its daily visitors.

the remnants of last night's bonfire crackle as the embers travel to their final resting place. dead soldier beer bottles outline the circular fire pit. a lonely whiskey bottle is lying near the shore; the incoming tide washes over it, nearly dragging it out to sea with the ebb and flow. soft music plays on the outdoor system - something from the post-woodstock, pre-punk era.

the tattered theatre chairs - once cushioned to support the bodies that occupied them, now ratted and forgotten - are covered in sheets and blankets, as if locals used the area as a makeshift shelter in times of need. candles burn on the stage, amidst fresh flowers, trinkets, charms and the like - an altar for the doll.

beside the theatre stands a moderately sized warehouse-seeming structure, most likely used for storing movie goods during its heydey; but has since been converted into a loft-style dwelling. inside, the space is sweeping and open.

joey, upstairs, leans against a rail. he is shirtless, hair dissheveled, in tattered blue jeans and is busying himself with rolling a joint. he looks like he could easily pass for an extra from any 70s nostalgia film about rock 'n' roll. as kathleen makes her way inside, he smiles, watching her from above. the smile wasn't an amused one, as if she had just said something comical; but familiar - like realizing one of her cute dispositions she possesed, like always biting the side of her lip when she was focusing on something, and how much he loved her for it. the smile was too loving and begged the question : how could they ever be apart from one another?

perhaps we truly do not know kathleen grace or joey kiss. perhaps they are not the figures, up high on the pedestal of arcadia and cielo, with pasts as dark as the midnight hour; therefore we know them not, and villians are they none. if anything, kathleen is magnet and joey is steel.

joey makes his way down the spiral staircase as headlock plops down the final bag and looks around. he is clear and concise. "why buy this piece of shit spot, even if it is next door?" and everything clicks. this is not just some hideout, under the radar, where the two young lovers could avoid the harsh scrutiny of press, opinionated fans and media alike. this property is sandwiched in between the ocean and the famed "coco cave" kathleen attained last summer. with this acquisition, she can finally breathe. a truly private piece of land.

across the way, beyond the out of control bougainvillea, orange touch-me-nots and lanky philodendrons, stands a four-story mansion, fit for a queen. the house, obviously empty, lurks like an abandoned museum in the dusk of night - creepy and still.

greek gods and goddesses line the entrance to the "coco cave" - 261 cocoanut gables lane and can be seen standing tall throughout the gardens, as if watching over the domain while the two kisses are next door. kathleen confesses that she has been studying greek and roman mythology for the past year and found herself inspired. she then adds, "well, that and the shining."

the home is nearly finished and will be furnished by the winter, she estimates. a mix between italian villa and french chateau; the estate is a total of 50 acres, 10 of which include the home and formal gardens and 40 acres are the native forest, as well as the cocoanut gables theatre. it was then i understood. she has shown me the doll in all her glory: the private jet, the mansion - her house on the hill - her rattling towncar, and at last, her hideaway.

it may not be much, or to some it may be a palace, but it is all for the doll.