doll resurfaces

kathleen keeps it 100% professional at shady lake photo call

right now i'm wearing sweats, a ratty t-shirt and flip-flops with socks (which i affectionately call the "tropical geisha" look) and i'm sure i look like shit but my outfit is black tie compared to what the doll wore to the arcadian photo call for shady lake tonight. i mean, it's not like she's a multi-millionaire or anything...even though she could totally pass for a hobo. seriously, she looked like she was representing the homeless community of arcadia last night.

i just can never tell if kathleen doesn't give any fucks or gives too many fucks. she is always walking that tightrope; her look is part homeless, part runway model, but still - was she trying? or was this effortless? she obviously knew she would have all the eyeballs in the room glued to her if she showed up dressed like she had just left a pool party.

let's be real, bitch wore a bikini and a kimono and she didn't even wear shoes. shoes!!

ugh. what if one of her stupid snotty upper echelon friends broke a fancy ass diamond-encrusted champagne flute or something? regular ass people can't even go into stores without shoes on, but the doll's VIP ass can show up to a work event without her hooves covered.

she looked like she literally rolled off of whatever patio chair she was sleeping on poolside, did some lines, crawled into a limo and then slithered onto the red carpet.

i just have one question - WTF is the doll doing a public appearance for? why didn't anyone in her camp stop her? she is giving us 2008 cokey doll realness and that means everyone and their sister is eating it up. her people should know better than to let her do a photo shoot...after a heavily publicized drug binge...in a bikini...in december...

happy thanksgiving!

doll is still on a bender

while the rest of the country is stuffing their faces full of food, baby babble is currently shoveling mountains of blow up her nose. loose-lipped brother sodapop cola and resident loudmouth told the media that his sister was still AWOL and probably out doing boatloads of drugs. he reported that kathleen left baby quetzy lux with the nanny almost 2 weeks ago, said, "good luck!" and disappeared off into the fading sun.

very few from heard from her, but, brother sodapop cola, baby daddy joey kiss, wrangler headlock, cook shuggie bo bellski, all of the nasty punks from the lost boys, nanny ludo ludovic, ex-boo jimmy kiss, supposed best friend angel astazia, her publicist, her assistant, everyone at the pretty people headquarters, all her old drug dealers...they all have on thing in common and it's that they haven't gotten one phone call, text message, kite, letter, etc. from our girl. she is totally off the grid.

sodapop did say, though, that a bellboy from the riot house in cielo called joey kiss the other day and said that she had left some personal effects there, including - you guessed it - a big bag of pills!

LOL. i guess we know what the doll is thankful for...

our doll, the ghost

doll goes where no one knows her name

years ago, kathleen's company was so worried about her cracky ways and tired of having to explain why she was consistently late and cracked out at important business functions, so they hired johnny "headlock" to wrangle her scrawny ass in and out of clubs. headlock has lived with her ever since and is basically a father figure, part-time savior and full-time shining light in the doll's life.

well, he should be fired because after all these years in the job, he should know better than to sleep on the doll! she is as elusive and quick as the wind - one minute you see her, the next minute she's gone!

it's typical of 2011 doll to do this but i thought she turned over a new leaf!! i mean, she ditched her gross, black tar heroin-stained ballet slippers; her homage to 1960s housewives-looking ratty blonde beehive; her kinderwhore babydoll dresses; her hippie witch 1970s mood rings....i could go on.

she has since replaced her 2011 look with a slightly updated and more glamorous 2K15 version and we have all been applauding in her direction since. however, she seemed to have kept some of her old habits and managed to give headlock the slip several days ago while shopping. she hasn't been heard from since and headlock has sent an all doll points bulletin to baby daddy kiss, the police and all major drug dealers in the area for her safe return.

i'm sure she's fine, holed up in a penthouse suite somewhere with a boytoy and a large pile of white powder. she'll be back....when she runs out of petty cash or when she runs out of fake eyelashes - trust.

doll makes a £100,000 mistake

"BFF" material or nah?

kathleen lost argosy's heirloom diamond ring...and her car...all in one day.

even though the doll has a garage full of antique and exotic automobiles alike, she asked to borrow argosy's brand new, barbie pink corvette convertible to run errands today while in arcadia.

first, she stopped by the market to pick up some accouterments for dinner; then to the baby store to buy baby q some diapers; and lastly, she stopped by her spot on skid row to check in with joey kiss. it was there, outside of the original dollhouse, that the convertible was hot wired and stolen. the car was worth over £80,000. also inside was an heirloom ring circa WWII that belonged to angel's grandmother, appraised at over £10,000. gulp.

okay, my first question is : WTF? isn't our girl nursing a broken ankle or what she's trying to pass off as a broken ankle? what leg is she driving with? and have the good people of arcadia been forewarned that their reigning queen is speeding around town in a barbie car - like a racecar driver - top down, high on pain pills? just wondering.

my second question is : how is visiting joey kiss an "errand"? we all know she was going in for a quickie and that's great, but call a spade a spade, doll! don't say you're buying groceries when you're really getting your cootie cat taken care of. *sighs*

so what did we learn? basically if your phone ever rings and the doll is on the other end, asking if she can borrow your car for "a couple of hours" for "errands," just start speaking chinese and hang up as quickly as possible.

doll goes back to high school

to give speech about saying "no" to drugs

LOL, the irony.

well apparently a "broken" ankle isn't going to stop the doll! she was booked today in arcadia at their local high school to deliver a speech, and deliver a speech she did! now, she might have been higher than a cessna jet on painkillers at the time, but that's her own business.

kathleen, sodapop, baby q and angel astazia took to the auditorium of arcadia high school to deliver a two-hour speech about the dangers of drugs use. basically the doll spent 5 minutes telling the kids, "don't do drugs, stay in school," etc., and then spent the rest of the time regaling the crowd with party stories.

as in, she told the story of the time her and lost boys were partying extra hard at the riot house and bassist biggles accidentally dropped some speed instead of his usual dose of heroin and had a seizure onstage. the band, thinking biggles was just being his usual jazzy self, thought nothing of it and didn't realize it was an overdose. oops! biggles lived to tell the tale and the moral of his story was to basically double-check what drugs you're taking before you accidentally speedball and die.

kathleen also talked about the time when she was a teenage dirtbag, baby, and how she spent more time partying than actually in class...but then she ended the narrative with how she graduated senior year with a 4.5! she didn't mention whose dick she had to suck to get those grades, but still...

the best part, though, came when kathleen wrapped up her speech by telling the minors to "play it safe" and "only smoke doobies." go doll. if weed is a gateway drug, kathleen is in charge of the gates.

doll rolls ankle in grimaldi

our girl is such a clumsy clown!

baby mama kathleen and her counterpart joey kiss are currently on a lovely family holiday with baby quetzalith lux on the isle of 8-balls. she was bike riding with joey today throughout the island when, in a series of quick, unfortunate, unplanned, shambolic movements, she took a tumble. i wanted to add 'cat-like' and 'graceful' there, but i can't because kathleen actually injured herself. no word on if she was super drunk at the time, but my guess is hell yes, totally yes, she was...

anyways, joey kiss, in a series of actions similar to that of a greek god, scooped up his girl and carried her to the nearest business until an ambulance came. yes, a fucking ambulance.

she was immediately rushed to hospital and treated as if she had just been in a major automobile accident. she emerged from the ER in a walking cast hours later and skipped happily off into the sunset with a prescription for heavy duty pain pills. hurrah!

doll takes long weekend in grimaldi

she's in town to work the local homeless shelter, donate scholarships to junior riot grrrls and scout a preschool for baby q

...just kidding! she's landed on the isle of grimaldi to shop baby daddy joey kiss' money at boutique shops, walk on the strip with baby q in the pram and lounge poolside with books from the local library. she is definitely not in town to work or do anything of substance. unless it's cocaine. or heroin. she's quite partial to both.

the two kisses landed and dropped baby q off at their penthouse in downtown grimaldi, just minutes away from their luxurious cocoanut gables mansion. the mansion is also minutes from "the strip" - aka front street - which could easily pass as the sister to bethel boulevard in cielo, where the original, doll-owned riot house stands. front street is home to the many nightclubs, bars, restaurants and hotels of hustling, bustling grimaldi and within walking distance from kathleen's coco cave. one of the favorites of the couple is the historical playboy club, modeled after the famous magazine. the two have been snapped by the paps there several times, looking very disheveled and like kathleen was channeling 2012's spirit to come and revamp her body.

the isle holds a rich history and many celebrities have resided there. kathleen's home was formerly owned by toca trocadero, notorious nightclub and bar owner who founded the clubs that populate the strip still to this day.

now, he was said to have been a gangster, during his heyday in the 40s, and that he ran illegal gambling in the back of his establishments.

kathleen, who is familiar with the stories surrounding toca's name, took a nod from one of nightclub designs and in the riot house she has secret passageways between certain rooms, the kitchen, the bar and the VIP area; all of the passageways lead to an exit, a necessity in case of any police presence.

shady lake still in production

the doll : "holzy who?"

the doll's brainchild shady lake is slowly turning into the doll's million-dollar-a-day brainchild, because she hasn't been on set in weeks! sodapop tells newspapers that even though his sister hasn't been there, she's definitely still involved with the project. so involved, in fact, that kathleen is taunting her costars as the killer would in the film.

now, everyone knows that the doll is trying to get some award nominations from her film and she's willing to do what it takes to get it. including, but not limited to, sending her costars dead animals...

sodapop told papers that because shady lake is a horror movie, kathleen sent each of her costars a personalized love letter in character as the killer, in a black box with a dead mouse inside. she then sent along a video and according to one of the costars, "it blew our minds away. we knew then that it was real." yeah, it's real alright. real fucking annoying. i'm sure all of the people working on the shady lake set want to strangle kathleen and would like her to get the show on the road already!

ever since argosy burns was fired in a very "bye puta!" way, kathleen has yet to find a replacement for her character, coco rodriguez. because of this, filming is costing an arm and a leg daily, with nothing to show for it! now, there was word going around that our doll would step in for the role, but someone from the doll's camp has neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. i'm sure her backers will pressure her soon enough into finding whatever 20-something, skinny, bleached-blonde cokehead-looking model type washes up in the casting room.

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

woop! woop! dat's da sound of da police

remember beau badman? 

everyone remembers beau badman for famously stalking our doll years ago when she famously had an affair with him, while she was with jimmy kiss at the time. ah, those were the day. back when things were easy and the cocaine was a-flowin'!

flash forward to today : passengers on a plane from cielo to arcadia got hit with strong doses of class, opulence and dumpster as they watched an almost 30 year-old drunk beau badman being dragged off the flight and into a squad car.

like many of us, beau is totally a disciple of the church of the rolling stones, because he had a bottle of hooch stashed in his carry-on. he obviously is used to the drill and knew that at some point during the hour flight, he would be cut off. before landing, the pilot called ahead and asked police to meet them with a pair of handcuffs and a squad car so they could take beau to a nice, cozy jail cell with his name on it.

a representative for the airport did confirm a drunken passenger, but wouldn't name beau in the matter. they did confirm, though, that beau badman is still holding on to his #1 spot on the health department's most wanted list.

doll's new friend is an acid trip

...literally

okay, i am not going to lie - i really thought this angel staz character was going to be a genuinely good influence on the doll, but i was 100% wrong! last night, reporters caught up with her, kathleen and - everyone's favorite - joey kiss! but that's not all! not only were they in the same vicinity together and it didn't involve the doll and staz hauling joey's lifeless body into a ditch, but all three of them were high on LSD!

what is this, woodstock? are we trying to abolish all responsibilities, burn our bras and condemn "the man?" come on, doll! this is 2015! and what are you doing hanging with your ex joey? just because he's a blonde goddess now doesn't change anything!

ok, my next question is : who is babysitting baby Q? the TV?

and of course staz, who is still an amateur to the press game, quietly giggled that they dropped acid to a fan wanting an autograph and probably thought the information wouldn't go elsewhere. staz has obviously not met sodapop "loose lips sink ships" cola! hopefully next time, she'll think twice before she goes bumping her gums to any random tom, dick or harry!

bae dumps argosy like a full ashtray

this is the best picture of argosy...ever

that girl is totally like an ashtray and she really should be dumped....off at the nearest mental institution!

bae baebel dodged a major bullet, took a nod from joey kiss and broke up with short-term girlfriend argosy burns yesterday, much to the pleasure of our doll. bae famously ditched kathleen for argosy and somehow wriggled away to tell the tale. then, right when everyone thought those two would split, argosy confirmed that she was pregnant with his offspring! gulp.

naturally kathleen's next step was to have her fired from her film shady lake. they replaced her character, burned anything she ever touched and everyone on set signed a contract to respond "argosy who?" if anyone mentioned her name. bae, though, not so much....he got off way too easy and has really yet to see any official wrath from the doll. perhaps all the stress of having a newborn baby around is rattling her nerves and therefore weakening her powers.

anyways, as for argosy, hasn't it only been a week since the big baby news? and now argosy is single? that sure didn't take long! i'll try to pretend we're dealing in dog years and not minutes, but...

i'm sure choirs on high could be heard in arcadia as kathleen skipped through the streets, singing, "ding-dong! the witch is dead."

spooky poltergeist on the shady lake set!

ZOMG doll! get your shit and get out of there!

sodapop told reporters today that one of their sets for the shady lake film set burned to the ground last night...right after they filmed a late-night séance scene! soda said that's not the only spooky activity taking place - he said that lights have come crashing down, several spooky shadows have been reported on set, etc.

if you ask me, shady lake was always doomed from the beginning because dumb doll let the bleach go to her brain when she hired argosy burns. luckily all footage has subsequently been thrown in the trash.

in true doll form, kathleen has production at a standstill until her shaman comes to clear the place of evil spirits. i'll bet the people backing the film will love that! plus, you know it's just an excuse for our girl to smoke doobies in her trailer, make sure her fake eyelashes are on just right for her closeup and languidly flirt with cute boys via her dressing room phone. since when has the doll been scared of anything, let alone a little ghost? ahem, lest she forgot she just moved back into the 312; that place has more ghosts stalking the property than humans.

our doll - not the baby mama!

in some news you totally saw coming and are probably not at all shocked to read - argosy is knocked up and bae isn't sure if he's the baby daddy! oh lord. here come the LOLs! hit the laughtrack!

this is all news as of yesterday, when airhead argosy, who must have more floating around in her lower pelvic area than her brain, 'accidentally' dropped (in front of a reporter with a camera) her first ultrasound photo. cue the flashbulbs!

naturally argosy was alone at the ob-gyn, because bae is a good-for-nothing, loser baby daddy type who would probably sooner be seen getting wasted at 9 AM than attending a lamaze class. let's just be real and not lie to ourselves. this is not the man who will be winning father of the year anytime soon.

i am unfazed by this 'revelation', albeit curious. curious as to which rat-infested, crack smoke-filled, garbage pit of a hovel are they going to raise said child in? also, with what income are they planning on supporting their happy new little family with? because those food stamps will only last so long and bae's 8-balls aren't going to buy themselves! argosy is also in no shape whatsoever to be tricking on the boulevard....i could keep the shade coming but i'd really rather not.

also, let's not kid ourselves - that nasty heifer argosy definitely needs a paternity test! if bae ends up being the father of that child, i will have truly seen and heard everything and i have no qualms with retiring on the spot.