doll gets slapped around by irrelevant fan

doll is kinky; you heard it here first

this is so fucking dumb!! my hands are looking at me like "are you really typing this shit?" and YES!!!!! i am and you're going to love it.

last night the doll was at the cielan riot house in full doll force - ratted hair, ballet slippers, glazed-over look in her eyes - when photographers caught several perplexing and compromising photos of her.

she was out with - what the papers called - "cielan royalty",  gianni giotto, but if you ask me, anyone who puts hands on the beautiful one is nameless and irrelevant in my book.

anyways, in the beginning of the night, the two were snapped holding hands and locking lips.......but flash forward a couple of hours and she was snapped with his hands around her neck! now, most of us gave kathleen the side eye and thought : kinky; however, the evening took a turn for the worse when paparazzi later snagged photos of them in an upstairs suite, out on the balcony, and gianni was totally giving her a pimp-style backhand.

okay, i could have forgotten all about this, but today when kathleen exited the riot house, she looked like she had the shit beat out of her! our girl had a fat, busted lip, marks around her neck and bruises all over her legs! WTF?! 

press did some digging and found out that gianni is the half italian, half brazillian half bad boy who makes his living in cielo beating up beautiful women. just kidding. i'm not really what he does to make ends meet and whatever, no one cares! other than being a damn handsome hot piece, he doesn't really have much else going for him. and soon he won't have a pulse going for him, because once the doll's baby daddy joey kiss catches wind of this treachery, he'll have a funeral plot picked out and everything for gianni - bet.

in a way, though, i am not hating, because this is just the kind of panty-dropping hotness we need around here! 

happy hanukkah!

l'chaim, doll!

kathleen came back to life, back to reality today for shabbos dinner for hanukkah with the kiss family. yes, that means jimmy kiss was there and most likely he was in full wet mop force.

word on the street is that joey and kathleen's relationship is barely hanging on by a thread, so this dinner could really be a pivotal moment in keeping them together. so don't burn your JOEY + KAT 4EVA shirts quite yet, ya'll. no word as to if older bro, and shady lake 's executive producer, johnny kiss was in attendance, but grandmama kiss was in the house, which means ludo ludovic - head caretaker and nanny - had the night off to go watch pink flamingos or dance to madonna circa bedtime stories in his room or whatever the hell he does in his free time. it also means shixsa kathleen was preparing her favorite hors d'oeuvres : gefilte fish.

let's take a trip down memory lane to one of the doll's first encounters with the kiss family. she was still dating kiss son number 2, joey, at the time and was happily helping his mother prepare some traditional jewish dishes in the kitchen. just kidding! food is her kryptonite. story goes, instead of cooking, the doll snuck mama kiss shots of whiskey! our girl was supposed to help prepare gefilte fish, but as soon as she saw the ingredients, she turned her nose up and said it looked like "gross dog shit." go figure.

oh, speaking of tradition, uncle jimmy kiss is still in his feelings over his potential future sister-in-law kathleen. he probably sat at the dinner table with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face the whole time. he's that type.

if i was the doll, i would down a handful of sleeping pills ASAP ferg, hold the ferg, and hope to wake up when christmas is over. quetzy will be fine, she has midwife ludo and old head mama kiss to look after her.

joey kiss is pushing the doll over the edge

baby daddy kiss is pissing off his girl and she is going to let everyone know about it!!

apparently since the doll is still in arcadia and baby daddy joey kiss is in the studio with the lost boys in grimaldi, the pair have been communicating prison style via phone calls and letters....

....only the phone calls and letters from the doll are not being returned!! kathleen is fuming over a series of heartfelt messages she left for joey that are a week overdue from being returned and she has taken to every media outlet to let him know it!

she told reporters, "joey kiss - you are very visible and i see your every move. i know where you are and i know what you're up to." scary.

you don't think she's implying joey is cheating? i don't know and i don't give one fuck, i just hope the doll checks him! he shouldn't be off on some party island not responding to his girl! WTF?

in other doll news, the kisses' PR rep did confirm some LOL-worthy news : there was a blind item floating around grimaldi that joey lost his wallet and was begging rich friends for a flight to france to "clear his mind." ROFL - more like cloud his mind with smoke from chasing the dragon! why in the hell is he trying to go to france? joey kiss is more about that doing crack in a gross basement while punk music blares from a shitty speaker not that classy hoity-toity european life, let's be real.

doll goes back to high school

to give speech about saying "no" to drugs

LOL, the irony.

well apparently a "broken" ankle isn't going to stop the doll! she was booked today in arcadia at their local high school to deliver a speech, and deliver a speech she did! now, she might have been higher than a cessna jet on painkillers at the time, but that's her own business.

kathleen, sodapop, baby q and angel astazia took to the auditorium of arcadia high school to deliver a two-hour speech about the dangers of drugs use. basically the doll spent 5 minutes telling the kids, "don't do drugs, stay in school," etc., and then spent the rest of the time regaling the crowd with party stories.

as in, she told the story of the time her and lost boys were partying extra hard at the riot house and bassist biggles accidentally dropped some speed instead of his usual dose of heroin and had a seizure onstage. the band, thinking biggles was just being his usual jazzy self, thought nothing of it and didn't realize it was an overdose. oops! biggles lived to tell the tale and the moral of his story was to basically double-check what drugs you're taking before you accidentally speedball and die.

kathleen also talked about the time when she was a teenage dirtbag, baby, and how she spent more time partying than actually in class...but then she ended the narrative with how she graduated senior year with a 4.5! she didn't mention whose dick she had to suck to get those grades, but still...

the best part, though, came when kathleen wrapped up her speech by telling the minors to "play it safe" and "only smoke doobies." go doll. if weed is a gateway drug, kathleen is in charge of the gates.

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

bae dumps argosy like a full ashtray

this is the best picture of argosy...ever

that girl is totally like an ashtray and she really should be dumped....off at the nearest mental institution!

bae baebel dodged a major bullet, took a nod from joey kiss and broke up with short-term girlfriend argosy burns yesterday, much to the pleasure of our doll. bae famously ditched kathleen for argosy and somehow wriggled away to tell the tale. then, right when everyone thought those two would split, argosy confirmed that she was pregnant with his offspring! gulp.

naturally kathleen's next step was to have her fired from her film shady lake. they replaced her character, burned anything she ever touched and everyone on set signed a contract to respond "argosy who?" if anyone mentioned her name. bae, though, not so much....he got off way too easy and has really yet to see any official wrath from the doll. perhaps all the stress of having a newborn baby around is rattling her nerves and therefore weakening her powers.

anyways, as for argosy, hasn't it only been a week since the big baby news? and now argosy is single? that sure didn't take long! i'll try to pretend we're dealing in dog years and not minutes, but...

i'm sure choirs on high could be heard in arcadia as kathleen skipped through the streets, singing, "ding-dong! the witch is dead."

joey kiss is feeling himself as a beautiful blonde

LOL JK; joey kiss gets dumped like a heavy load of bricks

not like he isn't used to it or anything! he told reporters today he is "single again," after some nameless, 20-something, skin and bones blonde model-type - who no one ever bothered to get the name of - broke whatever pieces of heart he has left. in his defense, he probably has a breakup mixtape and a conditioned method of shaking the blues! i do not feel bad for him in any way and honestly my only concern is that he sticks the child support in the mail every month! so what if the doll takes the money to the strip club or shovels it up her nose? IDGAF! he needs to do his job as baby daddy. seriously - if joey can dance and parade around the club with his new monroe-inspired locks, joey can definitely work. and i haven't seen joey 'work' in ages...

anyways, so he went and dyed his hair à la our beautiful blonde doll and apparently he thinks it suits him. if he thinks it will possibly have kathleen turning her head, he can think again! she is focusing super hard on being a good mom, casting spells for protection against argosy, refraining from tons of drug use, rubbing crystals on her forehead and hopefully finishing her masterpiece,♥!!

doll reminds fans she is still the star of the show

our girl answers about shady lake, joey kiss and her baby, quetzy lux büüski  

it is time yet again to gather 'round the campfire, drop out and tune in to the doll answer burning questions from her fanbase. kathleen really must have nothing else going on - other than breastfeeding baby q, screening calls from loser exes joey kiss and bae baebel, reading the shining, and plotting her next move.

if you ask me, she should be finishing her book 💘 and figuring out a way to cameo in shady lake, but yet i digress...

Q: What books are you reading this summer?
A: i am finishing the shining, about to start dirty blonde diaries; i also have tropic of cancer, lolita and everything by didion on my list as well...

Q: Do you think you still got 'it'?
A: AS UR DOLL REGNANT, I DEF STILL GOT 'IT' (wutever it is) + AM STILL ON THE THRONE, SO WATCH IT

Q: Speaking of books, when will 💘 be finished?
A: IT'LL BE DONE WHEN IT'S DONE - if you want it faster, plz send 500K to my lawyer, judah fussganger and i will consider writing an extra page a day....*key word* consider

Q: What about Shady Lake? Is the film still in production?
A: O YA - ARGOSY IS OUT OF THE PICTURE; I AM STARRING NOW, FILM DUE IN SUMMER 2K16

Q: Is Hans Holzy still directing?
A: yes, but only if he promises to not piss me off and to never bring up the time we had sex

Q: How do you really feel about Argosy Burns?
A: FDB

Q: What was the last thing you said to her?
A: ....ho, why is you here?

Q: Do you think Argosy will be a good mother?
A: what i think doesn't really matter...what will be will be...CPS ON SPEEDDIAL THO

Q: Is Argosy aware that you and Bae corresponded while he was in jail?
A: she does now!

Q: When you drop Baby Q off with Joey, what's the first thing you say to him?
A: HA HA HA HA HA; U MAD OR NAH 

Q: What books do you read to Quetzalith at bedtime?
A: the shining, kurt cobain's journals, helter skelter.....she's not a regular kid, she's a "cool" kid...

Q: Are you going to raise the baby with Bae Baebel as the daddy?
A: well damn, i'm trying 2 tell you : if he calls q his baby, that's his baby

Q: Do you think Joey can afford child support?
A: yo no se - he can miss me with all his bullshit though - IF IT AIN'T ABOUT THE M-O-N-E-Y $$$

Q: What did you do after Q's birth?
A: ...went to the strip club, turnt up, smoked a dutch on a stripper's lap, drank a fifth of vodka and then hit the freeway going about 95...why?

Q: Did you really call the police on Joey on the day of Quetzy's birth?
A: hell yeah fucking right 

Q: What's with all the 'fuck this' and 'fuck that?' You used to be so wholesome. 
A: fucking is my favorite word - reason why Q is fucking here

Q: Who is Angel Astazia?
A: my nü best bud and godmother 2 Q

Q: Is Angel famous?
A: it's STAZ + you've seen her before...IN UR DREAMS

Q: Have you really reformed your life since your daughter's birth or is it all a front?
A: it's a front

Q: Have you let Staz corrupt you?
A: she is 20 LOL i doubt it

Q: Will Staz have a role in Shady Lake or assist in production?
A:yes, she will get me iced coffee, cigarettes and handle continuity; because i have smoked one too many doobies to handle such a responsibility 

Q: Speaking of doobies, has Joey ever accused you of being a bad mother? 
A: ....if brains were dynamite, joey couldn't blow his nose : WHAT HE THINKS? I COULD CARE LESS...

Q: How do you feel about Joey now?
A: 50% IDFWU 50% ROFL

Q: How did you come up with Quetzalith's elaborate name? Did Joey have any say?
A: joey never had a say, never will - my baby named herself :
quetzalith means sacred bird
lux means light
büüski means purity
honeyblossom means happiness
zarathustra means freedom
and of course kiss means garbage

ROFL! we all know the kiss' family name stands for next to nothing, but i'm glad she reminded the general public, just in case they were thinking of giving him a pass! baby babble also reminded her ex joey to stay in his lane, and that if he forgets where his lane is - it's right in the back alley where the dumpster lives.