doll gets slapped around by irrelevant fan

doll is kinky; you heard it here first

this is so fucking dumb!! my hands are looking at me like "are you really typing this shit?" and YES!!!!! i am and you're going to love it.

last night the doll was at the cielan riot house in full doll force - ratted hair, ballet slippers, glazed-over look in her eyes - when photographers caught several perplexing and compromising photos of her.

she was out with - what the papers called - "cielan royalty",  gianni giotto, but if you ask me, anyone who puts hands on the beautiful one is nameless and irrelevant in my book.

anyways, in the beginning of the night, the two were snapped holding hands and locking lips.......but flash forward a couple of hours and she was snapped with his hands around her neck! now, most of us gave kathleen the side eye and thought : kinky; however, the evening took a turn for the worse when paparazzi later snagged photos of them in an upstairs suite, out on the balcony, and gianni was totally giving her a pimp-style backhand.

okay, i could have forgotten all about this, but today when kathleen exited the riot house, she looked like she had the shit beat out of her! our girl had a fat, busted lip, marks around her neck and bruises all over her legs! WTF?! 

press did some digging and found out that gianni is the half italian, half brazillian half bad boy who makes his living in cielo beating up beautiful women. just kidding. i'm not really what he does to make ends meet and whatever, no one cares! other than being a damn handsome hot piece, he doesn't really have much else going for him. and soon he won't have a pulse going for him, because once the doll's baby daddy joey kiss catches wind of this treachery, he'll have a funeral plot picked out and everything for gianni - bet.

in a way, though, i am not hating, because this is just the kind of panty-dropping hotness we need around here! 

doll resurfaces

kathleen keeps it 100% professional at shady lake photo call

right now i'm wearing sweats, a ratty t-shirt and flip-flops with socks (which i affectionately call the "tropical geisha" look) and i'm sure i look like shit but my outfit is black tie compared to what the doll wore to the arcadian photo call for shady lake tonight. i mean, it's not like she's a multi-millionaire or anything...even though she could totally pass for a hobo. seriously, she looked like she was representing the homeless community of arcadia last night.

i just can never tell if kathleen doesn't give any fucks or gives too many fucks. she is always walking that tightrope; her look is part homeless, part runway model, but still - was she trying? or was this effortless? she obviously knew she would have all the eyeballs in the room glued to her if she showed up dressed like she had just left a pool party.

let's be real, bitch wore a bikini and a kimono and she didn't even wear shoes. shoes!!

ugh. what if one of her stupid snotty upper echelon friends broke a fancy ass diamond-encrusted champagne flute or something? regular ass people can't even go into stores without shoes on, but the doll's VIP ass can show up to a work event without her hooves covered.

she looked like she literally rolled off of whatever patio chair she was sleeping on poolside, did some lines, crawled into a limo and then slithered onto the red carpet.

i just have one question - WTF is the doll doing a public appearance for? why didn't anyone in her camp stop her? she is giving us 2008 cokey doll realness and that means everyone and their sister is eating it up. her people should know better than to let her do a photo shoot...after a heavily publicized drug binge...in a bikini...in december...

our doll, the ghost

doll goes where no one knows her name

years ago, kathleen's company was so worried about her cracky ways and tired of having to explain why she was consistently late and cracked out at important business functions, so they hired johnny "headlock" to wrangle her scrawny ass in and out of clubs. headlock has lived with her ever since and is basically a father figure, part-time savior and full-time shining light in the doll's life.

well, he should be fired because after all these years in the job, he should know better than to sleep on the doll! she is as elusive and quick as the wind - one minute you see her, the next minute she's gone!

it's typical of 2011 doll to do this but i thought she turned over a new leaf!! i mean, she ditched her gross, black tar heroin-stained ballet slippers; her homage to 1960s housewives-looking ratty blonde beehive; her kinderwhore babydoll dresses; her hippie witch 1970s mood rings....i could go on.

she has since replaced her 2011 look with a slightly updated and more glamorous 2K15 version and we have all been applauding in her direction since. however, she seemed to have kept some of her old habits and managed to give headlock the slip several days ago while shopping. she hasn't been heard from since and headlock has sent an all doll points bulletin to baby daddy kiss, the police and all major drug dealers in the area for her safe return.

i'm sure she's fine, holed up in a penthouse suite somewhere with a boytoy and a large pile of white powder. she'll be back....when she runs out of petty cash or when she runs out of fake eyelashes - trust.

joey kiss is pushing the doll over the edge

baby daddy kiss is pissing off his girl and she is going to let everyone know about it!!

apparently since the doll is still in arcadia and baby daddy joey kiss is in the studio with the lost boys in grimaldi, the pair have been communicating prison style via phone calls and letters....

....only the phone calls and letters from the doll are not being returned!! kathleen is fuming over a series of heartfelt messages she left for joey that are a week overdue from being returned and she has taken to every media outlet to let him know it!

she told reporters, "joey kiss - you are very visible and i see your every move. i know where you are and i know what you're up to." scary.

you don't think she's implying joey is cheating? i don't know and i don't give one fuck, i just hope the doll checks him! he shouldn't be off on some party island not responding to his girl! WTF?

in other doll news, the kisses' PR rep did confirm some LOL-worthy news : there was a blind item floating around grimaldi that joey lost his wallet and was begging rich friends for a flight to france to "clear his mind." ROFL - more like cloud his mind with smoke from chasing the dragon! why in the hell is he trying to go to france? joey kiss is more about that doing crack in a gross basement while punk music blares from a shitty speaker not that classy hoity-toity european life, let's be real.

guess whose been blacklisted?

none other than bae baebel...

when the doll's phone rings and on the other end it's a sad, panicky bae baebel, do you think she accepts the charges for the prison phone call or nah? today we found out that the answer was or nah, because kathleen has blacklisted him from her fleet and basically abandoned in jail.

he was arrested for being bae baebel and being a degenerate in all aspects of life and no one knows or cares how long he'll be in the can for. especially our girl! she let the phone ring twice, realized who it was and hung up. LOL. file this under "shit you already saw coming" and keep moving.

it's a good thing kathleen is back under joey kiss' charms and spells - otherwise you know she would totally be slinking into the jail to have conjugal visits. she is not above it. besides, at night all cats are grey and the doll can't see very well, so you get the picture.

in other doll news, there's a rumor going around arcadia that she is texting director of shady lake, hans von holzhausen, again...but here's the plot twist - now he's got a girlfriend. *gulp*

doll makes a £100,000 mistake

"BFF" material or nah?

kathleen lost argosy's heirloom diamond ring...and her car...all in one day.

even though the doll has a garage full of antique and exotic automobiles alike, she asked to borrow argosy's brand new, barbie pink corvette convertible to run errands today while in arcadia.

first, she stopped by the market to pick up some accouterments for dinner; then to the baby store to buy baby q some diapers; and lastly, she stopped by her spot on skid row to check in with joey kiss. it was there, outside of the original dollhouse, that the convertible was hot wired and stolen. the car was worth over £80,000. also inside was an heirloom ring circa WWII that belonged to angel's grandmother, appraised at over £10,000. gulp.

okay, my first question is : WTF? isn't our girl nursing a broken ankle or what she's trying to pass off as a broken ankle? what leg is she driving with? and have the good people of arcadia been forewarned that their reigning queen is speeding around town in a barbie car - like a racecar driver - top down, high on pain pills? just wondering.

my second question is : how is visiting joey kiss an "errand"? we all know she was going in for a quickie and that's great, but call a spade a spade, doll! don't say you're buying groceries when you're really getting your cootie cat taken care of. *sighs*

so what did we learn? basically if your phone ever rings and the doll is on the other end, asking if she can borrow your car for "a couple of hours" for "errands," just start speaking chinese and hang up as quickly as possible.

doll goes back to high school

to give speech about saying "no" to drugs

LOL, the irony.

well apparently a "broken" ankle isn't going to stop the doll! she was booked today in arcadia at their local high school to deliver a speech, and deliver a speech she did! now, she might have been higher than a cessna jet on painkillers at the time, but that's her own business.

kathleen, sodapop, baby q and angel astazia took to the auditorium of arcadia high school to deliver a two-hour speech about the dangers of drugs use. basically the doll spent 5 minutes telling the kids, "don't do drugs, stay in school," etc., and then spent the rest of the time regaling the crowd with party stories.

as in, she told the story of the time her and lost boys were partying extra hard at the riot house and bassist biggles accidentally dropped some speed instead of his usual dose of heroin and had a seizure onstage. the band, thinking biggles was just being his usual jazzy self, thought nothing of it and didn't realize it was an overdose. oops! biggles lived to tell the tale and the moral of his story was to basically double-check what drugs you're taking before you accidentally speedball and die.

kathleen also talked about the time when she was a teenage dirtbag, baby, and how she spent more time partying than actually in class...but then she ended the narrative with how she graduated senior year with a 4.5! she didn't mention whose dick she had to suck to get those grades, but still...

the best part, though, came when kathleen wrapped up her speech by telling the minors to "play it safe" and "only smoke doobies." go doll. if weed is a gateway drug, kathleen is in charge of the gates.

doll to pen a book of pictures

LOL, yes, you read that right

the last time author and legend, kathleen "the doll" grace, sat down to write a book, it was 2013 and she wrote ☺ and the planets realigned because of it, because ☺ is everything. i'm not 100% sure, but i believe there is a copy of ☺ in every library in the world, because that's how important it is to mankind. well, now in addition to ♥, she will also be creating a book of polaroids to accompany her long awaited sequel.

according to kathleen's personal relations rep - aka sodapop - the book won't be full of pictures detailing drug use, wasted celebrity friends, upscale bourgeois VIP riot house parties and other heavy shit worth note, instead it will be a selection of choice photos that further illustrate the life of our doll.

ugh. boring! sounds like it's going to be a lot of selfies, a lot of joey kiss with his hair slicked back and a cigarette pack rolled up into his tee-shirt, and a couple pictures of baby q drooling on toys. yawn! need more doll smoking doobies on the toilet, drunk 'it' girls puking on their designer clothes and sex. otherwise, i'm not shelling out upwards of £20 to look at a book that should be rated PG-13.

the doll commented on her new book, which doesn't have a name right now, by saying : "i am over the moon to share my personal photographs with fans. i don't want to disappoint."

i have a good idea for the name of her book. she should call it :the doll : a disappointing look at my life in pictures, minus the drug use, threesomes and bloodletting. it'll be flying off bookshelves everywhere by 2016!

doll rolls ankle in grimaldi

our girl is such a clumsy clown!

baby mama kathleen and her counterpart joey kiss are currently on a lovely family holiday with baby quetzalith lux on the isle of 8-balls. she was bike riding with joey today throughout the island when, in a series of quick, unfortunate, unplanned, shambolic movements, she took a tumble. i wanted to add 'cat-like' and 'graceful' there, but i can't because kathleen actually injured herself. no word on if she was super drunk at the time, but my guess is hell yes, totally yes, she was...

anyways, joey kiss, in a series of actions similar to that of a greek god, scooped up his girl and carried her to the nearest business until an ambulance came. yes, a fucking ambulance.

she was immediately rushed to hospital and treated as if she had just been in a major automobile accident. she emerged from the ER in a walking cast hours later and skipped happily off into the sunset with a prescription for heavy duty pain pills. hurrah!

shady lake still in production

the doll : "holzy who?"

the doll's brainchild shady lake is slowly turning into the doll's million-dollar-a-day brainchild, because she hasn't been on set in weeks! sodapop tells newspapers that even though his sister hasn't been there, she's definitely still involved with the project. so involved, in fact, that kathleen is taunting her costars as the killer would in the film.

now, everyone knows that the doll is trying to get some award nominations from her film and she's willing to do what it takes to get it. including, but not limited to, sending her costars dead animals...

sodapop told papers that because shady lake is a horror movie, kathleen sent each of her costars a personalized love letter in character as the killer, in a black box with a dead mouse inside. she then sent along a video and according to one of the costars, "it blew our minds away. we knew then that it was real." yeah, it's real alright. real fucking annoying. i'm sure all of the people working on the shady lake set want to strangle kathleen and would like her to get the show on the road already!

ever since argosy burns was fired in a very "bye puta!" way, kathleen has yet to find a replacement for her character, coco rodriguez. because of this, filming is costing an arm and a leg daily, with nothing to show for it! now, there was word going around that our doll would step in for the role, but someone from the doll's camp has neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. i'm sure her backers will pressure her soon enough into finding whatever 20-something, skinny, bleached-blonde cokehead-looking model type washes up in the casting room.

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

lost boys' music video casting call is worthy of an eyeroll

sidenote : joey kiss is in the doghouse

since it's 2012 all over again, joey kiss reformed with punk band and mates, the lost boys. and because they'll be promoting their old album and new tour for L3 M30W, they are set to record a music video for their song and doll favorite, "mary likes to shoot darts" to promote the tour.

only thing is...their casting call sheet got into the hands of the wrong reporter, who decided to use it for the powers of evil! it read :

"we are looking for a young, early 20s blonde girl for our next video. please make sure to read the attached script before coming in. wardrobe note : black (or dark) form fitting tank that shows off cleavage (push up bras encouraged). and form fitting leggings or jeans. nothing white."

i know, the note really shocked me too - i'm sure we all thought that the serious actresses auditioning for a dirty punk band music video were only asked to provide a diploma from an ivy league school and to prepare three dramatic shakespearean monologues LOL. i honestly couldn't even care what the premise of the music video is. it sounds like it's about a big breasted blonde girl who wears tight clothes and probably bangs a bunch of old punkers who looked like they just rolled out of a hobo's coffin.

anyways, kathleen is currently pissed at joey, because he produces all of the band's music videos and obvio had some sort of hand in the situation. um...i don't think it takes stephen hawking to figure that the "blondes only" nod in the note was a dead giveaway that joey ghostwrote it...

joey kiss wants to "put the paws" on bae

doll goes to strip club to blow off steam, gets called a bitch, gunshots are fired

kathleen doesn't think "chilling" means curling up with a good book and a cappuccino. her idea of "chilling" consists of going to the nearest strip club, smoking a blunt, popping a bottle and throwing money at her favorite stripper with butterfly butt tats. which is exactly what she planned on doing last night...

on a sidenote, i would normally refer to joey kiss as kathleen's loser baby daddy ex who was a total waste of her time, but after his noble actions last night, he's back to joey kiss. he, kathleen and BFF staz were out at big booty judy's last night - probably still coming down from their acid trip - when they bumped into two clowns : argosy and bae. um, shouldn't argosy be eating for two and deciding what to name her kid? what is she doing out at the club?

regardless, words were exchanged and it wasn't long before argosy called kathleen a "bitch." and, no, not 'our bad bitch,' or, 'head bitch,' or, '#1 bitch,' - it wasn't the good kind.

in a matter of seconds, the dollars stopped flying and bullets rang out. shots were fired from the VIP section; two people were injured and one person was pronounced dead at the crime scene. yikes.

outside, kathleen told reporters that their group had nothing to do with the gunfire, but baby daddy joey did add, in reference to bae, "i want to rough him up, you feel me? i want to put the paws on him."

ROFL joey, go right ahead, no one is stopping you!

the lost boys reform at the riot house pool party

gulp - kathleen and joey seen dancing together...

in case you're like me and missed the lost boys reforming last night - most likely alongside their old counterparts : heroin, cocaine, booze and punk groupies - let us gather together and spill the tea on everything that went down at the riot house last night.

after rocko j. nasty passed several years ago, the lost boys disbanded, leaving many fans heartbroken and deaf. last night, the band reformed - with newcomer darby combat on lead - and kathleen on tambourine. she seemed awfully close to mr. combat, but that's probably just because she needs to get laid.

nothing else cool really happened (ie: arrests, overdoses, indecent exposures, doll grabbing the mic to curse out hecklers...) and our girl was home by the witching hour to cast spells.

no word as to if she went home with baby daddy joey kiss. photographers inside the event caught her dancing with him and - get this - she was having a good time! i already know what this means : cue joey moving all his crap back into the dollhouse! those two are back together, i just know it! also, i am glad to see joey is back to his natural hair color - being a towhead is not his look and he needs to leave blonde hair to the doll.

doll's new friend is an acid trip

...literally

okay, i am not going to lie - i really thought this angel staz character was going to be a genuinely good influence on the doll, but i was 100% wrong! last night, reporters caught up with her, kathleen and - everyone's favorite - joey kiss! but that's not all! not only were they in the same vicinity together and it didn't involve the doll and staz hauling joey's lifeless body into a ditch, but all three of them were high on LSD!

what is this, woodstock? are we trying to abolish all responsibilities, burn our bras and condemn "the man?" come on, doll! this is 2015! and what are you doing hanging with your ex joey? just because he's a blonde goddess now doesn't change anything!

ok, my next question is : who is babysitting baby Q? the TV?

and of course staz, who is still an amateur to the press game, quietly giggled that they dropped acid to a fan wanting an autograph and probably thought the information wouldn't go elsewhere. staz has obviously not met sodapop "loose lips sink ships" cola! hopefully next time, she'll think twice before she goes bumping her gums to any random tom, dick or harry!

bae dumps argosy like a full ashtray

this is the best picture of argosy...ever

that girl is totally like an ashtray and she really should be dumped....off at the nearest mental institution!

bae baebel dodged a major bullet, took a nod from joey kiss and broke up with short-term girlfriend argosy burns yesterday, much to the pleasure of our doll. bae famously ditched kathleen for argosy and somehow wriggled away to tell the tale. then, right when everyone thought those two would split, argosy confirmed that she was pregnant with his offspring! gulp.

naturally kathleen's next step was to have her fired from her film shady lake. they replaced her character, burned anything she ever touched and everyone on set signed a contract to respond "argosy who?" if anyone mentioned her name. bae, though, not so much....he got off way too easy and has really yet to see any official wrath from the doll. perhaps all the stress of having a newborn baby around is rattling her nerves and therefore weakening her powers.

anyways, as for argosy, hasn't it only been a week since the big baby news? and now argosy is single? that sure didn't take long! i'll try to pretend we're dealing in dog years and not minutes, but...

i'm sure choirs on high could be heard in arcadia as kathleen skipped through the streets, singing, "ding-dong! the witch is dead."

joey kiss is feeling himself as a beautiful blonde

LOL JK; joey kiss gets dumped like a heavy load of bricks

not like he isn't used to it or anything! he told reporters today he is "single again," after some nameless, 20-something, skin and bones blonde model-type - who no one ever bothered to get the name of - broke whatever pieces of heart he has left. in his defense, he probably has a breakup mixtape and a conditioned method of shaking the blues! i do not feel bad for him in any way and honestly my only concern is that he sticks the child support in the mail every month! so what if the doll takes the money to the strip club or shovels it up her nose? IDGAF! he needs to do his job as baby daddy. seriously - if joey can dance and parade around the club with his new monroe-inspired locks, joey can definitely work. and i haven't seen joey 'work' in ages...

anyways, so he went and dyed his hair à la our beautiful blonde doll and apparently he thinks it suits him. if he thinks it will possibly have kathleen turning her head, he can think again! she is focusing super hard on being a good mom, casting spells for protection against argosy, refraining from tons of drug use, rubbing crystals on her forehead and hopefully finishing her masterpiece,♥!!

doll reminds fans she is still the star of the show

our girl answers about shady lake, joey kiss and her baby, quetzy lux büüski  

it is time yet again to gather 'round the campfire, drop out and tune in to the doll answer burning questions from her fanbase. kathleen really must have nothing else going on - other than breastfeeding baby q, screening calls from loser exes joey kiss and bae baebel, reading the shining, and plotting her next move.

if you ask me, she should be finishing her book 💘 and figuring out a way to cameo in shady lake, but yet i digress...

Q: What books are you reading this summer?
A: i am finishing the shining, about to start dirty blonde diaries; i also have tropic of cancer, lolita and everything by didion on my list as well...

Q: Do you think you still got 'it'?
A: AS UR DOLL REGNANT, I DEF STILL GOT 'IT' (wutever it is) + AM STILL ON THE THRONE, SO WATCH IT

Q: Speaking of books, when will 💘 be finished?
A: IT'LL BE DONE WHEN IT'S DONE - if you want it faster, plz send 500K to my lawyer, judah fussganger and i will consider writing an extra page a day....*key word* consider

Q: What about Shady Lake? Is the film still in production?
A: O YA - ARGOSY IS OUT OF THE PICTURE; I AM STARRING NOW, FILM DUE IN SUMMER 2K16

Q: Is Hans Holzy still directing?
A: yes, but only if he promises to not piss me off and to never bring up the time we had sex

Q: How do you really feel about Argosy Burns?
A: FDB

Q: What was the last thing you said to her?
A: ....ho, why is you here?

Q: Do you think Argosy will be a good mother?
A: what i think doesn't really matter...what will be will be...CPS ON SPEEDDIAL THO

Q: Is Argosy aware that you and Bae corresponded while he was in jail?
A: she does now!

Q: When you drop Baby Q off with Joey, what's the first thing you say to him?
A: HA HA HA HA HA; U MAD OR NAH 

Q: What books do you read to Quetzalith at bedtime?
A: the shining, kurt cobain's journals, helter skelter.....she's not a regular kid, she's a "cool" kid...

Q: Are you going to raise the baby with Bae Baebel as the daddy?
A: well damn, i'm trying 2 tell you : if he calls q his baby, that's his baby

Q: Do you think Joey can afford child support?
A: yo no se - he can miss me with all his bullshit though - IF IT AIN'T ABOUT THE M-O-N-E-Y $$$

Q: What did you do after Q's birth?
A: ...went to the strip club, turnt up, smoked a dutch on a stripper's lap, drank a fifth of vodka and then hit the freeway going about 95...why?

Q: Did you really call the police on Joey on the day of Quetzy's birth?
A: hell yeah fucking right 

Q: What's with all the 'fuck this' and 'fuck that?' You used to be so wholesome. 
A: fucking is my favorite word - reason why Q is fucking here

Q: Who is Angel Astazia?
A: my nü best bud and godmother 2 Q

Q: Is Angel famous?
A: it's STAZ + you've seen her before...IN UR DREAMS

Q: Have you really reformed your life since your daughter's birth or is it all a front?
A: it's a front

Q: Have you let Staz corrupt you?
A: she is 20 LOL i doubt it

Q: Will Staz have a role in Shady Lake or assist in production?
A:yes, she will get me iced coffee, cigarettes and handle continuity; because i have smoked one too many doobies to handle such a responsibility 

Q: Speaking of doobies, has Joey ever accused you of being a bad mother? 
A: ....if brains were dynamite, joey couldn't blow his nose : WHAT HE THINKS? I COULD CARE LESS...

Q: How do you feel about Joey now?
A: 50% IDFWU 50% ROFL

Q: How did you come up with Quetzalith's elaborate name? Did Joey have any say?
A: joey never had a say, never will - my baby named herself :
quetzalith means sacred bird
lux means light
büüski means purity
honeyblossom means happiness
zarathustra means freedom
and of course kiss means garbage

ROFL! we all know the kiss' family name stands for next to nothing, but i'm glad she reminded the general public, just in case they were thinking of giving him a pass! baby babble also reminded her ex joey to stay in his lane, and that if he forgets where his lane is - it's right in the back alley where the dumpster lives.

our doll - not the baby mama!

in some news you totally saw coming and are probably not at all shocked to read - argosy is knocked up and bae isn't sure if he's the baby daddy! oh lord. here come the LOLs! hit the laughtrack!

this is all news as of yesterday, when airhead argosy, who must have more floating around in her lower pelvic area than her brain, 'accidentally' dropped (in front of a reporter with a camera) her first ultrasound photo. cue the flashbulbs!

naturally argosy was alone at the ob-gyn, because bae is a good-for-nothing, loser baby daddy type who would probably sooner be seen getting wasted at 9 AM than attending a lamaze class. let's just be real and not lie to ourselves. this is not the man who will be winning father of the year anytime soon.

i am unfazed by this 'revelation', albeit curious. curious as to which rat-infested, crack smoke-filled, garbage pit of a hovel are they going to raise said child in? also, with what income are they planning on supporting their happy new little family with? because those food stamps will only last so long and bae's 8-balls aren't going to buy themselves! argosy is also in no shape whatsoever to be tricking on the boulevard....i could keep the shade coming but i'd really rather not.

also, let's not kid ourselves - that nasty heifer argosy definitely needs a paternity test! if bae ends up being the father of that child, i will have truly seen and heard everything and i have no qualms with retiring on the spot.