doll gets slapped around by irrelevant fan

 
 

doll is kinky; you heard it here first

this is so fucking dumb!! my hands are looking at me like "are you really typing this shit?" and YES!!!!! i am and you're going to love it.

last night the doll was at the cielan riot house in full doll force - ratted hair, ballet slippers, glazed-over look in her eyes - when photographers caught several perplexing and compromising photos of her.

she was out with - what the papers called - "cielan royalty",  gianni giotto, but if you ask me, anyone who puts hands on the beautiful one is nameless and irrelevant in my book.

anyways, in the beginning of the night, the two were snapped holding hands and locking lips.......but flash forward a couple of hours and she was snapped with his hands around her neck! now, most of us gave kathleen the side eye and thought : kinky; however, the evening took a turn for the worse when paparazzi later snagged photos of them in an upstairs suite, out on the balcony, and gianni was totally giving her a pimp-style backhand.

okay, i could have forgotten all about this, but today when kathleen exited the riot house, she looked like she had the shit beat out of her! our girl had a fat, busted lip, marks around her neck and bruises all over her legs! WTF?! 

press did some digging and found out that gianni is the half italian, half brazillian half bad boy who makes his living in cielo beating up beautiful women. just kidding. i'm not really what he does to make ends meet and whatever, no one cares! other than being a damn handsome hot piece, he doesn't really have much else going for him. and soon he won't have a pulse going for him, because once the doll's baby daddy joey kiss catches wind of this treachery, he'll have a funeral plot picked out and everything for gianni - bet.

in a way, though, i am not hating, because this is just the kind of panty-dropping hotness we need around here! 

before the doll was the doll....

 
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.....she stayed at one-star hotels LOL

long before the doll was a household name and long before she could afford the riot house, our girl was just like us : paying bills, doing her taxes, living paycheck to paycheck, eating dry ramen sometimes, asking her mom to do her laundry, making it do with a do.........and apparently also staying in fleabag motels!

kathleen shared a story with the pretty people club magazine today about her foray into the industry and how she knew she would eventually be a famous queen that we all fear and bow down to. everything she shared was *yawns* old news and basically if you have read the tl;dr hep parade true cielo story, you already know; but the best part of the interview came when baby babble blabbed about the sketchiest hotel room she ever stayed in; and no, it wasn't during a cocaine-fueled night at the riot house LOL.

let's take it back to early Y2K when the clothes looked like they were from the future and you were still cool if you had a basic ass flip phone - the doll was under 21 and still trying to get her career off the ground. as it was, she traveled around from arcadia to cielo to the isle of grimaldi and sometimes even as far as monticello for meetings with pretty much anyone who had lots of money to back the doll's dreams and faith that she wouldn't do too many drugs and OD before her dreams came true.

on one particular night in grimaldi, after a long day of meetings with publishing houses, the doll decided to crash locally instead of hopping a flight back home to arcadia. well, i don't know if the hotel room was on sale or if the beautiful one was low-key on a budget and not saying, because she ended up selecting a motel (not hotel, mind you) that cockroaches were even too proud to call home.

kathleen told the pretty people club that she was traveling with then boyfriend jimmy kiss, his best friend/heroin dealer, known as ponyboy, as well as future best friend angel astazia and she booked a room last minute so that the squad could get some rest before hitting the grindstone again the next day. only thing? the room was literally a mix between a twilight zone episode and a time machine trip back to 1993 : the TV was legit chained to the wall and clearly picked up from a pawn shop in the 80s, with only 7 channels to boot and 5 of them were static; there were bullet holes in the door; there was no phone in the room and no cell phone reception; the room smelled like dust and shattered hopes; jimmy kiss had to donkey-kick the A/C to make it work; the carpet looked like it was from the movie the shining and thus made the party feel like they were in the shining and about to murder each other; there was a creepy locked cabinet placed conveniently in front of the beds and looked as if it had a recording device inside; wifi was a joke - dial-up would have been more efficient and the only working internet was in the lobby where everyone and their sister was camped out, taking up any and all free space; the bed sheets were made of a polyester-plastic blend; there was a lovely prison yard-looking, basketball-type court in the back of the hotel that looked to be a hotspot for rapes and drug deals and, last but not least, the four got stuck in the elevator for 20 minutes on their escape from the sketchiest motel ever and almost died. oh, and the toilet wouldn't flush. but for some reason i think that was the least of their worries. it was like a low-grade tropical oasis jail-style getaway!

speaking of jail - at the time, jimmy kiss was facing a week incarceration for being jimmy kiss, and kathleen remarked to the pretty people club, "i asked jimmy kiss for only one favor when he went to jail : i told him that if jail ends up being better than the room we had in grimaldi...i wanted to know about it." i have a very strong feeling jimmy reported back to kathleen that he would rather go to jail any day of the week LOL.

doll resurfaces

kathleen keeps it 100% professional at shady lake photo call

right now i'm wearing sweats, a ratty t-shirt and flip-flops with socks (which i affectionately call the "tropical geisha" look) and i'm sure i look like shit but my outfit is black tie compared to what the doll wore to the arcadian photo call for shady lake tonight. i mean, it's not like she's a multi-millionaire or anything...even though she could totally pass for a hobo. seriously, she looked like she was representing the homeless community of arcadia last night.

i just can never tell if kathleen doesn't give any fucks or gives too many fucks. she is always walking that tightrope; her look is part homeless, part runway model, but still - was she trying? or was this effortless? she obviously knew she would have all the eyeballs in the room glued to her if she showed up dressed like she had just left a pool party.

let's be real, bitch wore a bikini and a kimono and she didn't even wear shoes. shoes!!

ugh. what if one of her stupid snotty upper echelon friends broke a fancy ass diamond-encrusted champagne flute or something? regular ass people can't even go into stores without shoes on, but the doll's VIP ass can show up to a work event without her hooves covered.

she looked like she literally rolled off of whatever patio chair she was sleeping on poolside, did some lines, crawled into a limo and then slithered onto the red carpet.

i just have one question - WTF is the doll doing a public appearance for? why didn't anyone in her camp stop her? she is giving us 2008 cokey doll realness and that means everyone and their sister is eating it up. her people should know better than to let her do a photo shoot...after a heavily publicized drug binge...in a bikini...in december...

happy thanksgiving!

doll is still on a bender

while the rest of the country is stuffing their faces full of food, baby babble is currently shoveling mountains of blow up her nose. loose-lipped brother sodapop cola and resident loudmouth told the media that his sister was still AWOL and probably out doing boatloads of drugs. he reported that kathleen left baby quetzy lux with the nanny almost 2 weeks ago, said, "good luck!" and disappeared off into the fading sun.

very few from heard from her, but, brother sodapop cola, baby daddy joey kiss, wrangler headlock, cook shuggie bo bellski, all of the nasty punks from the lost boys, nanny ludo ludovic, ex-boo jimmy kiss, supposed best friend angel astazia, her publicist, her assistant, everyone at the pretty people headquarters, all her old drug dealers...they all have on thing in common and it's that they haven't gotten one phone call, text message, kite, letter, etc. from our girl. she is totally off the grid.

sodapop did say, though, that a bellboy from the riot house in cielo called joey kiss the other day and said that she had left some personal effects there, including - you guessed it - a big bag of pills!

LOL. i guess we know what the doll is thankful for...

our doll, the ghost

doll goes where no one knows her name

years ago, kathleen's company was so worried about her cracky ways and tired of having to explain why she was consistently late and cracked out at important business functions, so they hired johnny "headlock" to wrangle her scrawny ass in and out of clubs. headlock has lived with her ever since and is basically a father figure, part-time savior and full-time shining light in the doll's life.

well, he should be fired because after all these years in the job, he should know better than to sleep on the doll! she is as elusive and quick as the wind - one minute you see her, the next minute she's gone!

it's typical of 2011 doll to do this but i thought she turned over a new leaf!! i mean, she ditched her gross, black tar heroin-stained ballet slippers; her homage to 1960s housewives-looking ratty blonde beehive; her kinderwhore babydoll dresses; her hippie witch 1970s mood rings....i could go on.

she has since replaced her 2011 look with a slightly updated and more glamorous 2K15 version and we have all been applauding in her direction since. however, she seemed to have kept some of her old habits and managed to give headlock the slip several days ago while shopping. she hasn't been heard from since and headlock has sent an all doll points bulletin to baby daddy kiss, the police and all major drug dealers in the area for her safe return.

i'm sure she's fine, holed up in a penthouse suite somewhere with a boytoy and a large pile of white powder. she'll be back....when she runs out of petty cash or when she runs out of fake eyelashes - trust.

happy 1st birthday baby q!

baby quetzy lux turns the big 1!

happy birthday quetzy! it seems like just yesterday your mother and our reigning queen of the tabloids, kathleen, announced that she was knocked up with you and from that moment on, the whole world impatiently awaited your arrival.

to celebrate their money (and quetzy luxy sunshine whatchamacallit's first birthday), kathleen and joey temporarily stopped throwing shade at each other to throw a mini music festival in the backyard of their grimaldi mansion - "the coco cave" - this afternoon. there was a ferris wheel, food carts, teepees, a bounce house, two music stages, a makeshift tattoo parlor, face painting for deadbeat dads, carnival rides, a fireworks show and all sorts of other pointless shit that only rich people can afford...

i have a feeling quetzy lux will fondly remember her first birthday party when, in 15 years, she tells her therapist that it's the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born to a pack of wild coyotes instead of a pack of it-crowd junkies.

the party was a hit but i honestly i couldn't tell you if quetzy was even at her own party because she wasn't in any of the released pictures. come to think of it - she was probably having her own party with her real family : her nannies, drivers and bodyguards. #fame

and while quetzy was totally styled in baby couture with swarovski diapers and a gilded crystal baby bottle; the doll was looking a little rough around the edges. kathleen looked like she was styled by cocaine. she was obviously paying an homage to herself via 2006-2008 and i really just want to applaud her for not finding the nearest mirror, ripping it off the wall and doing lines all day...even though she looked like it...

doll goes back to high school

to give speech about saying "no" to drugs

LOL, the irony.

well apparently a "broken" ankle isn't going to stop the doll! she was booked today in arcadia at their local high school to deliver a speech, and deliver a speech she did! now, she might have been higher than a cessna jet on painkillers at the time, but that's her own business.

kathleen, sodapop, baby q and angel astazia took to the auditorium of arcadia high school to deliver a two-hour speech about the dangers of drugs use. basically the doll spent 5 minutes telling the kids, "don't do drugs, stay in school," etc., and then spent the rest of the time regaling the crowd with party stories.

as in, she told the story of the time her and lost boys were partying extra hard at the riot house and bassist biggles accidentally dropped some speed instead of his usual dose of heroin and had a seizure onstage. the band, thinking biggles was just being his usual jazzy self, thought nothing of it and didn't realize it was an overdose. oops! biggles lived to tell the tale and the moral of his story was to basically double-check what drugs you're taking before you accidentally speedball and die.

kathleen also talked about the time when she was a teenage dirtbag, baby, and how she spent more time partying than actually in class...but then she ended the narrative with how she graduated senior year with a 4.5! she didn't mention whose dick she had to suck to get those grades, but still...

the best part, though, came when kathleen wrapped up her speech by telling the minors to "play it safe" and "only smoke doobies." go doll. if weed is a gateway drug, kathleen is in charge of the gates.

doll takes long weekend in grimaldi

she's in town to work the local homeless shelter, donate scholarships to junior riot grrrls and scout a preschool for baby q

...just kidding! she's landed on the isle of grimaldi to shop baby daddy joey kiss' money at boutique shops, walk on the strip with baby q in the pram and lounge poolside with books from the local library. she is definitely not in town to work or do anything of substance. unless it's cocaine. or heroin. she's quite partial to both.

the two kisses landed and dropped baby q off at their penthouse in downtown grimaldi, just minutes away from their luxurious cocoanut gables mansion. the mansion is also minutes from "the strip" - aka front street - which could easily pass as the sister to bethel boulevard in cielo, where the original, doll-owned riot house stands. front street is home to the many nightclubs, bars, restaurants and hotels of hustling, bustling grimaldi and within walking distance from kathleen's coco cave. one of the favorites of the couple is the historical playboy club, modeled after the famous magazine. the two have been snapped by the paps there several times, looking very disheveled and like kathleen was channeling 2012's spirit to come and revamp her body.

the isle holds a rich history and many celebrities have resided there. kathleen's home was formerly owned by toca trocadero, notorious nightclub and bar owner who founded the clubs that populate the strip still to this day.

now, he was said to have been a gangster, during his heyday in the 40s, and that he ran illegal gambling in the back of his establishments.

kathleen, who is familiar with the stories surrounding toca's name, took a nod from one of nightclub designs and in the riot house she has secret passageways between certain rooms, the kitchen, the bar and the VIP area; all of the passageways lead to an exit, a necessity in case of any police presence.

shady lake still in production

the doll : "holzy who?"

the doll's brainchild shady lake is slowly turning into the doll's million-dollar-a-day brainchild, because she hasn't been on set in weeks! sodapop tells newspapers that even though his sister hasn't been there, she's definitely still involved with the project. so involved, in fact, that kathleen is taunting her costars as the killer would in the film.

now, everyone knows that the doll is trying to get some award nominations from her film and she's willing to do what it takes to get it. including, but not limited to, sending her costars dead animals...

sodapop told papers that because shady lake is a horror movie, kathleen sent each of her costars a personalized love letter in character as the killer, in a black box with a dead mouse inside. she then sent along a video and according to one of the costars, "it blew our minds away. we knew then that it was real." yeah, it's real alright. real fucking annoying. i'm sure all of the people working on the shady lake set want to strangle kathleen and would like her to get the show on the road already!

ever since argosy burns was fired in a very "bye puta!" way, kathleen has yet to find a replacement for her character, coco rodriguez. because of this, filming is costing an arm and a leg daily, with nothing to show for it! now, there was word going around that our doll would step in for the role, but someone from the doll's camp has neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. i'm sure her backers will pressure her soon enough into finding whatever 20-something, skinny, bleached-blonde cokehead-looking model type washes up in the casting room.

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

the lost boys reform at the riot house pool party

gulp - kathleen and joey seen dancing together...

in case you're like me and missed the lost boys reforming last night - most likely alongside their old counterparts : heroin, cocaine, booze and punk groupies - let us gather together and spill the tea on everything that went down at the riot house last night.

after rocko j. nasty passed several years ago, the lost boys disbanded, leaving many fans heartbroken and deaf. last night, the band reformed - with newcomer darby combat on lead - and kathleen on tambourine. she seemed awfully close to mr. combat, but that's probably just because she needs to get laid.

nothing else cool really happened (ie: arrests, overdoses, indecent exposures, doll grabbing the mic to curse out hecklers...) and our girl was home by the witching hour to cast spells.

no word as to if she went home with baby daddy joey kiss. photographers inside the event caught her dancing with him and - get this - she was having a good time! i already know what this means : cue joey moving all his crap back into the dollhouse! those two are back together, i just know it! also, i am glad to see joey is back to his natural hair color - being a towhead is not his look and he needs to leave blonde hair to the doll.

joey kiss is feeling himself as a beautiful blonde

LOL JK; joey kiss gets dumped like a heavy load of bricks

not like he isn't used to it or anything! he told reporters today he is "single again," after some nameless, 20-something, skin and bones blonde model-type - who no one ever bothered to get the name of - broke whatever pieces of heart he has left. in his defense, he probably has a breakup mixtape and a conditioned method of shaking the blues! i do not feel bad for him in any way and honestly my only concern is that he sticks the child support in the mail every month! so what if the doll takes the money to the strip club or shovels it up her nose? IDGAF! he needs to do his job as baby daddy. seriously - if joey can dance and parade around the club with his new monroe-inspired locks, joey can definitely work. and i haven't seen joey 'work' in ages...

anyways, so he went and dyed his hair à la our beautiful blonde doll and apparently he thinks it suits him. if he thinks it will possibly have kathleen turning her head, he can think again! she is focusing super hard on being a good mom, casting spells for protection against argosy, refraining from tons of drug use, rubbing crystals on her forehead and hopefully finishing her masterpiece,♥!!

doll finds a best friend as strange as she is

the doll made a new friend and for the first time in a long time, it isn't someone she's sleeping with!

kathleen has been photographed recently doing 'normal' things with another woman : grocery shopping, yoga, going to the beauty salon, etc. i say 'normal,' because the doll's normal is smoking foilies, chowing down candies and speeding on the wrong side of the road, so this is very refreshing.

the woman's name is angel astazia, 'staz' for short. when the two met during a location scouting for shady lake, kathleen told angel "if she didn't want to be in her movie (angel turned down the lead role), she had to be her best friend."

honestly, i don't even care that she has puke green hair and rocks electric blue lipstick...i feel she'll be a positive influence in baby babble's already corrupted post-kiss life.

angel isn't just beauty, but brains as well and beat reporters to the punch. she answered future questions for them and said that she has no interest in dating sodapop, she is not one of the kiss family exes, she isn't a founding member of the i hate argosy fanclub, she doesn't know who the lost boys are and never went to the freak fest. she basically told them to stop lurking and go back to the real celebrities...like her new best friend LOL!

let's throw it wayyyy back

it's time to take a trip back in time! 

no, not to when kathleen was in high school and the above photo was taken...our girl has decided to move back into her famous dollhouse in arcadia.

i think she will always have a soft spot for her first estate, affectionately nicknamed 'the dollhouse,' located at 312 overlook lane. it known as 'skid row' to locals, despite many affluent residents. let us not forget the many booze and drug-filled years hiding out behind it's walls; and let us not forget the tumultuous relationship with wet mop jimmy kiss - despite these bad juju vibes, the doll has selected to move back into her old haunt. even though she has a handful of other homes she could live in that don't house spooky spirits and memories you could file under not good.

baby q, brother sodapop, wrangler headlock, cook shuggie bo bellski and caretaker/nanny ludo ludovic will be joining her, naturally, as her squad. who knows what joey kiss will do concerning his weekly visitations, but honestly, who cares? last anyone checked, he still had a pulse and he was on the planet, so.............

our doll - not the baby mama!

in some news you totally saw coming and are probably not at all shocked to read - argosy is knocked up and bae isn't sure if he's the baby daddy! oh lord. here come the LOLs! hit the laughtrack!

this is all news as of yesterday, when airhead argosy, who must have more floating around in her lower pelvic area than her brain, 'accidentally' dropped (in front of a reporter with a camera) her first ultrasound photo. cue the flashbulbs!

naturally argosy was alone at the ob-gyn, because bae is a good-for-nothing, loser baby daddy type who would probably sooner be seen getting wasted at 9 AM than attending a lamaze class. let's just be real and not lie to ourselves. this is not the man who will be winning father of the year anytime soon.

i am unfazed by this 'revelation', albeit curious. curious as to which rat-infested, crack smoke-filled, garbage pit of a hovel are they going to raise said child in? also, with what income are they planning on supporting their happy new little family with? because those food stamps will only last so long and bae's 8-balls aren't going to buy themselves! argosy is also in no shape whatsoever to be tricking on the boulevard....i could keep the shade coming but i'd really rather not.

also, let's not kid ourselves - that nasty heifer argosy definitely needs a paternity test! if bae ends up being the father of that child, i will have truly seen and heard everything and i have no qualms with retiring on the spot.