joey kiss is arrested for heroin possession in jimmy's clothes

not in a "dope is dope" shirt, but still...

anyways, joey kiss is in the grey-bar hotel : where you check in, and the county judge tells you when to check out. it's not funny and this is not a drill, people. i'm sure the doll is having flashbacks of joey's older brother, jimmy, and all of their fun crack and heroin-filled times. 
according to self-appointed public relations representative of the doll and kiss family, sodapop, kathleen and joey jetted to their beloved off-the-grid traphouse / retreat in cielo and were going to make a weekend of it...until joey went and got himself cuffed and stuffed in a cell!

if you ask soda - and this is a summation of listening to hours of him on his soapbox - even though joey is probably nearing his 30s (though he looks well into his 50s), he borrowed his brother's letterman's jacket from high school and lo and behold there were two grams of heroin in the pocket! honestly i'm super surprised that neither joey nor kat's junkie senses started tingling and they didn't discover the dope right then and there!

instead, the cielan police did, after joey got into an altercation outside of the albion beauty bar and nightclub. when police went to search him - you already know where this is going - they found the drugs and joey's next words were, obviously, "that's not mine!" i'm sure everyone in the vicinity immediately began to LOL, as if they haven't heard that before. joey's next words were, obviously, "ouch, ouch, these handcuffs are too tight." 

no word on bail yet - to be really real, i hope they lock him up and throw away the key! the world is a much better place with one less kiss around, i'm telling you...

joey kiss is pushing the doll over the edge

baby daddy kiss is pissing off his girl and she is going to let everyone know about it!!

apparently since the doll is still in arcadia and baby daddy joey kiss is in the studio with the lost boys in grimaldi, the pair have been communicating prison style via phone calls and letters....

....only the phone calls and letters from the doll are not being returned!! kathleen is fuming over a series of heartfelt messages she left for joey that are a week overdue from being returned and she has taken to every media outlet to let him know it!

she told reporters, "joey kiss - you are very visible and i see your every move. i know where you are and i know what you're up to." scary.

you don't think she's implying joey is cheating? i don't know and i don't give one fuck, i just hope the doll checks him! he shouldn't be off on some party island not responding to his girl! WTF?

in other doll news, the kisses' PR rep did confirm some LOL-worthy news : there was a blind item floating around grimaldi that joey lost his wallet and was begging rich friends for a flight to france to "clear his mind." ROFL - more like cloud his mind with smoke from chasing the dragon! why in the hell is he trying to go to france? joey kiss is more about that doing crack in a gross basement while punk music blares from a shitty speaker not that classy hoity-toity european life, let's be real.

doll rolls ankle in grimaldi

our girl is such a clumsy clown!

baby mama kathleen and her counterpart joey kiss are currently on a lovely family holiday with baby quetzalith lux on the isle of 8-balls. she was bike riding with joey today throughout the island when, in a series of quick, unfortunate, unplanned, shambolic movements, she took a tumble. i wanted to add 'cat-like' and 'graceful' there, but i can't because kathleen actually injured herself. no word on if she was super drunk at the time, but my guess is hell yes, totally yes, she was...

anyways, joey kiss, in a series of actions similar to that of a greek god, scooped up his girl and carried her to the nearest business until an ambulance came. yes, a fucking ambulance.

she was immediately rushed to hospital and treated as if she had just been in a major automobile accident. she emerged from the ER in a walking cast hours later and skipped happily off into the sunset with a prescription for heavy duty pain pills. hurrah!

doll takes trip down memory lane to when she broke up with joey kiss...

here come the waterworks...

...or dry heaves.

even though it was only a little over a year ago since the doll sent baby daddy joey kiss a series of sad, breakup texts, the two are proudly back together again! so proud, in fact, that under her direction, she had an article printed in her magazine, the pretty people club, dispelling the rumors on how they really, truly and honestly fell back in love.

a source close to them told the magazine :

"the pair reunited at her favorite restaurant l'amour in arcadia. they looked very loved-up : joey had his arm over her, was lighting her cigarettes and buying her drinks. "kathleen looked so excited; she looked at if he had just proposed then and there. she was very happy. she came out of the restaurant giggling and seemed a little tipsy. lots of fans were asking for a picture and an autograph. she told them, 'i'm getting married.'"

note to source : the doll is always tipsy. and high. but i think we need to fact-check that source. are they sure they saw kathleen "skin and bones" grace actually eating at a restaurant? wouldn't food mess with her ability to make a scowling bitchface when the paparazzi ambush her? and...engaged?! again? kathleen and joey need to complete several weeks consecutively without killing each other before being allowed to do anything together!

plus the source didn't mention that ever since getting back with baby daddy joey kiss, our girl has been in classic doll mode : smoking doobies in the street; leather concho belt, out of retirement from 2012's storage locker; a picture of joey with a hairdo like elvis in her heart-shaped locket; stoned eyes that can see into the future; cigarette in one hand, candy in the other; coke-smoke stained ballet slippers...you know where this is going...

also, in reference to her breakup, the doll said that it caused her to spiral into depression and that she cried for about a year straight. somewhere in there it also said the doll downed buckets of ice cream daily in between trips to the bathroom to smoke foilies, all while listening to the mix tapes kiss made her. she also told the magazine, "no one would ever love joey the way i love him." sigh. it's so true.

lost boys' music video casting call is worthy of an eyeroll

sidenote : joey kiss is in the doghouse

since it's 2012 all over again, joey kiss reformed with punk band and mates, the lost boys. and because they'll be promoting their old album and new tour for L3 M30W, they are set to record a music video for their song and doll favorite, "mary likes to shoot darts" to promote the tour.

only thing is...their casting call sheet got into the hands of the wrong reporter, who decided to use it for the powers of evil! it read :

"we are looking for a young, early 20s blonde girl for our next video. please make sure to read the attached script before coming in. wardrobe note : black (or dark) form fitting tank that shows off cleavage (push up bras encouraged). and form fitting leggings or jeans. nothing white."

i know, the note really shocked me too - i'm sure we all thought that the serious actresses auditioning for a dirty punk band music video were only asked to provide a diploma from an ivy league school and to prepare three dramatic shakespearean monologues LOL. i honestly couldn't even care what the premise of the music video is. it sounds like it's about a big breasted blonde girl who wears tight clothes and probably bangs a bunch of old punkers who looked like they just rolled out of a hobo's coffin.

anyways, kathleen is currently pissed at joey, because he produces all of the band's music videos and obvio had some sort of hand in the situation. um...i don't think it takes stephen hawking to figure that the "blondes only" nod in the note was a dead giveaway that joey ghostwrote it...

our doll - not the baby mama!

in some news you totally saw coming and are probably not at all shocked to read - argosy is knocked up and bae isn't sure if he's the baby daddy! oh lord. here come the LOLs! hit the laughtrack!

this is all news as of yesterday, when airhead argosy, who must have more floating around in her lower pelvic area than her brain, 'accidentally' dropped (in front of a reporter with a camera) her first ultrasound photo. cue the flashbulbs!

naturally argosy was alone at the ob-gyn, because bae is a good-for-nothing, loser baby daddy type who would probably sooner be seen getting wasted at 9 AM than attending a lamaze class. let's just be real and not lie to ourselves. this is not the man who will be winning father of the year anytime soon.

i am unfazed by this 'revelation', albeit curious. curious as to which rat-infested, crack smoke-filled, garbage pit of a hovel are they going to raise said child in? also, with what income are they planning on supporting their happy new little family with? because those food stamps will only last so long and bae's 8-balls aren't going to buy themselves! argosy is also in no shape whatsoever to be tricking on the boulevard....i could keep the shade coming but i'd really rather not.

also, let's not kid ourselves - that nasty heifer argosy definitely needs a paternity test! if bae ends up being the father of that child, i will have truly seen and heard everything and i have no qualms with retiring on the spot.