meet the new coco rodriguez

meet bijoux boadicea

bijoux boadicea is the french-born, british actress who will debut in the doll's film. finally! the heavens can rejoice! the doll met bijoux years ago at the notorious freak fest and after a recent night of partying, kathleen decided she was best fit for coco. now the film world can be like, "argosy, who?" and miss boadicea will become a household name!

all i know is count von count holzy is probably clicking his warlock heels together and breathing a huge sigh of relief that stupid argosy is yesterday's news and thanks to the new and improved coco rodriguez, shady lake has been saved!

because, of course, the film has already become the titanic of movies and, even if we're not talking about the thousands of thousands of dollars that are still costing the production company daily to employ the production crew, let's talk about how, rain or shine, camera rolling or not, the doll still banks from the project. well, no fucking wonder!! i was very happy to place the blame on argosy's junkie shoulders but alas! i would be wrong...

anyways, holzy is due on location next week and kathleen is also expected to be in the building now that we have our star! also expect shady lake to be a bloated version of a 16-page short story the doll wrote a long ass time ago. the film's budget has to be assessed once again; the movie has had so many production problems, i'm sure people are genuinely surprised the film isn't a complete disaster right now. i know i am.

and now a little bit of ho wisdom from the doll

the doll has all the answers

no, she didn't do the walk of shame at arcadia high and deliver another after-school-special type of speech......it's fanmail time. whenever i get on my knees and begin to thank my lucky stars that the doll isn't answering fanmail anymore, another installation - most likely made possible by whatever slimy squad of heroin junkies that still read the shit - is released. *sigh* right when you think it's been buried, the doll grabs her favorite shovel and digs it back up.

now, while most women are fighting the good fight against man for equality, kathleen is busy telling her army of riot grrrls to "be a bad bitch" and pretty much milk your boyfriend for everything that's in his savings account.

the wisdom :

Q: Where are you right now?
A: with ur boyfriend lmao
Q: Why spending so much time at Arcadia High?
A: WUT CAN I SAY? i really love these high school boys.....see, i get older - they stay the same age
Q: Let me guess - you were only at Arcadia High School to be apart of Show and Tell?
A: guess again! he needed a ride + not the kind ur thinking
Q: I see now...can I get a ride? I'm on the corner of Cahuenga and Sunset...
A: ass, cash or grass - no one rides 4 free in the gravedigger
Q: Were you preppy in high school or a burnout? I really can't tell with you...
A: HOMECOMING QUEEN, PART-TIME MODEL + HEAD CHEERLEADER
Q: I just read you installment in this month's Pretty People Club - first of all, welcome back! Secondly, who in the hell is Ponyboy?
A: his real name is none of ur beeswax and he's jimmy's best pal, best buddy, longtime confidant and right hand man. he does mustang repair and is basically an all-american boy : eats apple pie, drives a mustang, plays lacrosse, his favorite food is cheeseburgers...
Q: What are your plans for the holidays?
A: try not to get arrested - if i do, write santa lickety split and ask 4 the charges to be dropped
Q: What did you get your loved ones for Christmas?
A: 1ST OF ALL WE CELEBRATE HANUKKAH IN THIS HOUSE BETTER RECOGNIZE
#2 DO I LOOK STUPID? WAIT DON;T ANSWER THAT
Q: What do you want for Christmas?
A: i asked santa for 100 pairs of fake eyelashes, a 1970s emboridered disco pantsuit, a copy of armageddon, to hire a professional blunt and/or doobie roller, to never pay taxes again, quaaludes to come back in style, a new pair of black riot grrrl boots, some crystals for my altar, a rose of jericho for good luck, shady lake to be finished already, a lifetime suppy of fake eyelashes and peace on earth
Q: Do you really think the 312 Dollhouse on "Skid Row" in Arcadia is the best place to raise your baby girl?
A: OUTER SPACE WOULD BE BEST - me and my blood are too good for this planet, we should really spread our good sense elsewhere in the universe
Q: How is Quetzy?
A: baby is fine she is just being the world's most coolest and hardxcore baby....she is generally either with ludo watching trashy reality television and learning what not to be like in the future. ludo consistently tries to brainwash her with the gospel of various vapid "celebrities" and i consistently have to reverse the effects with hours of making Q listen to selected rare riot grrrl vinyls
Q: How was Quetzy's first birthday?
A: BETTER THAN URS
Q: Jimmy Kiss was reportedly seen arriving to the Isle of Grimaldi nights before Quetzy's lavish birthday bash and spend that time at your beachfront mansion - did he stay with you?
A: UM YA he's practically my brother-in-law and @ one point it could have been him, so why wouldn't i oblige his old ass with one of our guest bedrooms LMAO
Q: Are you and Jimmy getting back together?
A: the day jimmy and i get back together is the day i grow a full-on unibomber beard
Q: What is your plan with Joey Kiss?
A: i;m on a non-plan plan with him....i take it day by day : some days i want to kill him and make it look like an accident; other days i want to push him down a flight of stairs and make it look like an accident; most days i want to make a litter of kids with him, but honestly a lot of the time i try to scheme up ways to murder him w/o getting caught via forensic evidence
Q: Have you ever used a man?
A: O HUNNAY ALL THE TIME! as a woman you can use ur cootie cat 2 turn any man into a walking ATM and/or a magic genie lamp for whatever ur heart desires
Q: Did you ever use Joey for his money?
A: LOL NO THAT TRICK IS BROKE AS A JOKE!!!!! ROFL! when i said as a woman it's easy 2 just seduce a man to when what you need, i definitely wasn't talking about him. seek maynard b. alberkraut his family is all up in that old arcadia $$$
Q: How would Maynard feel about being used?
A: PRBLY RLLY GR8 WHY / he is rich af and needed guidance on what to spend his hard-earned trust fund $ on

LOL, wow. while some women are fighting for equal pay and creating a new stigma for women aside from housewife, kathleen is busy making sure women know their lane and stay in it! IE : a woman's place is in the bedroom and she needs to stay there until she has full access to her man's offshore accounts.

happy 1st birthday baby q!

baby quetzy lux turns the big 1!

happy birthday quetzy! it seems like just yesterday your mother and our reigning queen of the tabloids, kathleen, announced that she was knocked up with you and from that moment on, the whole world impatiently awaited your arrival.

to celebrate their money (and quetzy luxy sunshine whatchamacallit's first birthday), kathleen and joey temporarily stopped throwing shade at each other to throw a mini music festival in the backyard of their grimaldi mansion - "the coco cave" - this afternoon. there was a ferris wheel, food carts, teepees, a bounce house, two music stages, a makeshift tattoo parlor, face painting for deadbeat dads, carnival rides, a fireworks show and all sorts of other pointless shit that only rich people can afford...

i have a feeling quetzy lux will fondly remember her first birthday party when, in 15 years, she tells her therapist that it's the first memory she has of looking at her family and wishing she was born to a pack of wild coyotes instead of a pack of it-crowd junkies.

the party was a hit but i honestly i couldn't tell you if quetzy was even at her own party because she wasn't in any of the released pictures. come to think of it - she was probably having her own party with her real family : her nannies, drivers and bodyguards. #fame

and while quetzy was totally styled in baby couture with swarovski diapers and a gilded crystal baby bottle; the doll was looking a little rough around the edges. kathleen looked like she was styled by cocaine. she was obviously paying an homage to herself via 2006-2008 and i really just want to applaud her for not finding the nearest mirror, ripping it off the wall and doing lines all day...even though she looked like it...

doll makes a £100,000 mistake

"BFF" material or nah?

kathleen lost argosy's heirloom diamond ring...and her car...all in one day.

even though the doll has a garage full of antique and exotic automobiles alike, she asked to borrow argosy's brand new, barbie pink corvette convertible to run errands today while in arcadia.

first, she stopped by the market to pick up some accouterments for dinner; then to the baby store to buy baby q some diapers; and lastly, she stopped by her spot on skid row to check in with joey kiss. it was there, outside of the original dollhouse, that the convertible was hot wired and stolen. the car was worth over £80,000. also inside was an heirloom ring circa WWII that belonged to angel's grandmother, appraised at over £10,000. gulp.

okay, my first question is : WTF? isn't our girl nursing a broken ankle or what she's trying to pass off as a broken ankle? what leg is she driving with? and have the good people of arcadia been forewarned that their reigning queen is speeding around town in a barbie car - like a racecar driver - top down, high on pain pills? just wondering.

my second question is : how is visiting joey kiss an "errand"? we all know she was going in for a quickie and that's great, but call a spade a spade, doll! don't say you're buying groceries when you're really getting your cootie cat taken care of. *sighs*

so what did we learn? basically if your phone ever rings and the doll is on the other end, asking if she can borrow your car for "a couple of hours" for "errands," just start speaking chinese and hang up as quickly as possible.

doll takes long weekend in grimaldi

she's in town to work the local homeless shelter, donate scholarships to junior riot grrrls and scout a preschool for baby q

...just kidding! she's landed on the isle of grimaldi to shop baby daddy joey kiss' money at boutique shops, walk on the strip with baby q in the pram and lounge poolside with books from the local library. she is definitely not in town to work or do anything of substance. unless it's cocaine. or heroin. she's quite partial to both.

the two kisses landed and dropped baby q off at their penthouse in downtown grimaldi, just minutes away from their luxurious cocoanut gables mansion. the mansion is also minutes from "the strip" - aka front street - which could easily pass as the sister to bethel boulevard in cielo, where the original, doll-owned riot house stands. front street is home to the many nightclubs, bars, restaurants and hotels of hustling, bustling grimaldi and within walking distance from kathleen's coco cave. one of the favorites of the couple is the historical playboy club, modeled after the famous magazine. the two have been snapped by the paps there several times, looking very disheveled and like kathleen was channeling 2012's spirit to come and revamp her body.

the isle holds a rich history and many celebrities have resided there. kathleen's home was formerly owned by toca trocadero, notorious nightclub and bar owner who founded the clubs that populate the strip still to this day.

now, he was said to have been a gangster, during his heyday in the 40s, and that he ran illegal gambling in the back of his establishments.

kathleen, who is familiar with the stories surrounding toca's name, took a nod from one of nightclub designs and in the riot house she has secret passageways between certain rooms, the kitchen, the bar and the VIP area; all of the passageways lead to an exit, a necessity in case of any police presence.

shady lake still in production

the doll : "holzy who?"

the doll's brainchild shady lake is slowly turning into the doll's million-dollar-a-day brainchild, because she hasn't been on set in weeks! sodapop tells newspapers that even though his sister hasn't been there, she's definitely still involved with the project. so involved, in fact, that kathleen is taunting her costars as the killer would in the film.

now, everyone knows that the doll is trying to get some award nominations from her film and she's willing to do what it takes to get it. including, but not limited to, sending her costars dead animals...

sodapop told papers that because shady lake is a horror movie, kathleen sent each of her costars a personalized love letter in character as the killer, in a black box with a dead mouse inside. she then sent along a video and according to one of the costars, "it blew our minds away. we knew then that it was real." yeah, it's real alright. real fucking annoying. i'm sure all of the people working on the shady lake set want to strangle kathleen and would like her to get the show on the road already!

ever since argosy burns was fired in a very "bye puta!" way, kathleen has yet to find a replacement for her character, coco rodriguez. because of this, filming is costing an arm and a leg daily, with nothing to show for it! now, there was word going around that our doll would step in for the role, but someone from the doll's camp has neither confirmed nor denied the rumor. i'm sure her backers will pressure her soon enough into finding whatever 20-something, skinny, bleached-blonde cokehead-looking model type washes up in the casting room.

joey kiss wants to "put the paws" on bae

doll goes to strip club to blow off steam, gets called a bitch, gunshots are fired

kathleen doesn't think "chilling" means curling up with a good book and a cappuccino. her idea of "chilling" consists of going to the nearest strip club, smoking a blunt, popping a bottle and throwing money at her favorite stripper with butterfly butt tats. which is exactly what she planned on doing last night...

on a sidenote, i would normally refer to joey kiss as kathleen's loser baby daddy ex who was a total waste of her time, but after his noble actions last night, he's back to joey kiss. he, kathleen and BFF staz were out at big booty judy's last night - probably still coming down from their acid trip - when they bumped into two clowns : argosy and bae. um, shouldn't argosy be eating for two and deciding what to name her kid? what is she doing out at the club?

regardless, words were exchanged and it wasn't long before argosy called kathleen a "bitch." and, no, not 'our bad bitch,' or, 'head bitch,' or, '#1 bitch,' - it wasn't the good kind.

in a matter of seconds, the dollars stopped flying and bullets rang out. shots were fired from the VIP section; two people were injured and one person was pronounced dead at the crime scene. yikes.

outside, kathleen told reporters that their group had nothing to do with the gunfire, but baby daddy joey did add, in reference to bae, "i want to rough him up, you feel me? i want to put the paws on him."

ROFL joey, go right ahead, no one is stopping you!