doll's baby daddy is a dick, fucker and an asshole

he now joins the clubs with all the others

during a press conference to announce the release date of the book she has seemingly been writing for 10 years, a reporter casually thought it would be a great time to ask kathleen how quetzy lux's baby daddy / doll enemy #1, joey kiss is doing.

baby babble snorted, "that asshole? joey is a dick and a fucker and is deader to me than my old dead housekeeper trotsky." LOL. she then spent the last 30 minutes of the junket talking about what a shitty dad to baby q he was and an even worse ex. ouch.

she said that he was constantly late to pick up and drop off his daughter and that each time, he is with a different woman. she also said that quetzy's diaper bag smells like booze and heroin. JK. that's just joey's natural musk.

joey kiss then responded in typical kiss fashion by saying that kathleen is nuts and pages him night and day. he said he has thought relentlessly about throwing his pager in the nearest garbage can every time the doll's number shows up, but can't, because, "she is the mother of my child and may need me someday."

need you? for what? a laugh?! she's probably only paging you because she has your number mixed up with one of her drug dealers! you should stick your head in a garbage can and wait for the next page, kiss.

welcome quetzy lux

it's a glorious day for the makers of blonde hair dye for babies and for drama queens who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a glamorous birthing suite in a hospital in arcadia somewhere, a baby was evacuated from the doll's body to the sounds of angels in heaven singing harmoniously.

what a proud moment for baby daddy joey...NOT! sodapop told the throng of reporters outside that as soon as his sister set sights on joey, she picked up her bedside phone and told the nurse to call security, because there was a "strange man" she didn't know in her room. LOL, she would. joey is a strange man.

on his way out of the hospital, joey caught up with the fence and basically said everything is alleged, because, "there are no stones being thrown her way. the devil is in full effect at all times. god is the way." LOL and then god said, "...um, i don't know him."

but honestly, nobody really cares. the only detail any of us really care about is THE NAME!!!! and allow me to introduce :

quetzalith lux büüski honeyblossum zarathustra kiss

...or you know, "Q" for short, or quetzy lux.

let's be real, i think the doll threw a bunch of scrabble letters in a lottery machine and this is what came out. the doll should have really paid tribute to her real loves by naming her daughter ballet slipper cocaine candy kiss, but oh well....

welcome baby Q!

doll exchanges love letters

while bae is in the hole!

oh doll, jail life isn't pretty!

our beautiful queen doll has lately been finding herself #1 clink pen pal to none other than bae baebel, the same pea-brained toad who broke her heart into smithereens not a couple months ago!! only her last couple letters were not returned....commence media blackout!

it didn't take long for the sunshine kid to turn category 5 hurricane bitch and haul her cookies down to the cop shop for some answers! LOL on a scale of 0 to chris brown she was pissed.

the pigs didn't have much to say other than he was punished after guards watched a video visit between the doll and bae. and to answer your question - the shit wasn't PG-13 by any means. so obvio, they took his privileges away, one being letter writing.

OMG i love them they are like a poetic, second rate, straight-to-video version of sid and nancy. next she'll be hanging outside the methadone clinic in fishnet tights, smoking ciggies like it was CBGBs 1977. how punk.

just, um, don't put money on his commissary!! you should spend that shit on bubble baths, hair dye, nail polish, fake eyelashes, high heels, trips to the drive-in movie theatre, glow sticks, comfy non-skid house slippers, a yacht, cheeseburgers, magic spells, snow tires for the gravedigger, the movie titanic, bathroom caulk, candy, unpaid parking tickets, a complete thanksgiving meal, an albino sphynx, books on learning portuguese, a pony, a gustav klimt painting, cold medicine, a cruise to the bahamas, groceries, a new pair of ballet slippers, a better world perspective, a john bonham-worthy drum set, lip gloss......do you see where i am going with this?? spend your money on anything else! i mean, shit, can i get something?

she's the type of person you want to be friends with. writes your ass letters and makes sure you have some junk food. next she'll flash him during visitation and give him a stripper-style lapdance. oh wait........

bae gets hemmed up

wears "i love dope" shirt, gets busted for you know where this is going.....

in cokey behavior typical of the doll via 3 years ago, bae just joined the long list of lames - which includes former baby babble heartbreaks beau badman, joey and jimmy kiss and maynard alberkraut - whose address reads : inmate #equis, cellblock 67, c/o the pokey, downtown arcadia.

all i can say is mr. baebel takes one glamorous mugshot and delivers the good people of arcadia some bad boy realness, while throwing a glazed-look that either says "i just got done crying in the back of the paddywagon" or, "can we hurry this shit up? there's an 8-ball out there just calling my name" and wearing a throwback track jacket that tells me he definitely hit a lick on an emo hipster teenager before he got to the police station. beat that camera with your eyes, bae.

naturally argosy dropped everything she was doing - crackpipe - and ran to downtown to throw rocks at bae's window and flash him from the street below.

and it looks like she'll have all the time in the world - sodapop told reporters that, despite argosy's lame attempts to auction her soul off, she will no longer be working on the shady lake set. DUH! you don't have to be stephen hawking to figure that one out.

i'll bet the laughs could be heard bouncing off the canyons the day she showed up to the set! the doll probably pointed to the dumpster and said, "go back to where you came from."

baby babble gets bae'd up

has best movie date ever

bae baebel may have lived in arcadia his entire life, but the doll just took note!

after the sad, broken remains of whatever the doll and joey had turned to rust, crumbled and went back where it came from, kathleen is finally over kiss.

enter bae : wild indian, curly-hair, shamanistic qualities, but still a little bit of a thug - basically everything wet mop kiss was not. what the doll might call a "real man." key word : MIGHT.

and the way his gangster is set up - bae had already organized a super cool cokey drug deal at the movie theatre. on top of that, he paid with gift cards and brought in a plastic grocery bag of liquor and assorted drugs and sundries, not giving 2 fucks about the security and also not giving 2 fucks about embarrassing pobrecita baby babble who has more than enough petty cash to cover tickets, 2 cocktails and some candy, but, um...do your thing bae...it's cute that you're trying. besides, as high and mighty his ass might be - you know he totally asked the doll to bum £20 on their way out. he just seems the type and kathleen can't resist.

before the movie began, the two had to use the bathroom and after the doll waited 15+ minutes - aka forever in her time - she went in alone, probably wondering WTF bae was up to...who knows? enter bae again : within seconds of sitting down, he cracked open two beers, kicked his feet up on a seat and took a phone call. i am sure the people in the movie theatre were like, um, plz let these people be struck dead by lightening right now...i know i would be.

and then the drug deal! bae dipped off, leaving kathleen by herself again, and came back moments later. the doll didn't fall off the back of the turnip truck yesterday - she asked if he was still holding. um, hunny, this is bae we're talking about - if he wasn't holding, you wouldn't have the right person.

she then demanded, princess style, that he take the rest of the drugs. and she sure as shit didn't have to tell him twice! he left to snort lines in the bathroom, came back and 15 minutes later the movie was over. best. date. ever.

jk, worst date ever.

doll kicks it on indian reservation for a week

gets bae'd up

the doll was supposed to go home last week to see mama doll, hire her on as a newborn nursemaid and return back to to paradise, but because she is who she is...it didn't quite go down like that.

instead, as soon as she landed, kathleen got boo'd up with some mystery man! sodapop told papers that his mother was "furious" after discovering that his sister's plane landed and she immediately hauled tail to spend time with "some guy" on a nearby indian reservation.

SOME GUY?!?!?! the doll wouldn't hang with just anyone. she keeps very few people in her circle, she is such a drama queen. but the perp actually has a name and somewhat of a purpose in life - his name is bae baebel, and he works on the reservation as a medicine man. someone should have said that in the first place! duh, lil mama was just there to score some magic mushrooms off her new found shaman indian boo...

maybe it's the pregnancy hormones, but it sure didn't take long for the doll to fall head over ballet slippers in love! right now she is currently, probably, 9 times out of 10 looking for a way to add his name on the baby's birth certificate. JK! she only added him to her bank account, lease, life insurance policy and her will.

the best part of the story is, as smart as kathleen is, she went into mercury retrograde for a hot minute and forgot that horseback is not the most convenient way to the airport. she had to phone up - you guessed it - mama doll! mama doll was obvio less than excited to make that trip. in fact, soda told papers that before she reluctantly agreed, she screeched, "why don't you get that chief littlefeather to take you?!" LOL, put the young blood in her place!

seriously doll, stop tripping. go back home to the isle of grimaldi, cleanse your soul of evil eyes in the ocean and forget about your lame pow-wow under the full moon, beside the campfire and where wild coyotes were yipping around the totem pole. you'll live to break another heart and bae can go back to whatever rock he crawled out from underneath. continue on!

doll has a feeling to kill joey

joey caught whispering with strippers

the doll is sharpening her sharpest knives and polishing her favorite bullets, because last night joey was photographed talking to numerous known strippers at the aptly named big booty judy's strip club in downtown grimaldi.

obvio, big booty judy's #1 lonely customer, sodapop, tipped the doll off that her #1 least favorite new ex was on the scene. within minutes, as if by bitch magic, she appeared.

now everyone knows that in the strip club, the most popular person is whoever has the most money. and it obviously wasn't joey last night. within minutes of kathleen and her fleet arriving, the place was shut down. shut down as in security formed a small army mob around the doll and her friends as they showered cash on a small bevy of the club's best dancers, that also equally have the best stripper names : sexy red, tipdrill, spyda, strawberry and fruit, queen sheba, etc. it didn't take but 3 seconds for the floor of their VIP section to be covered in bills.

no wonder the doll asked for security to protect her - joey is broke as a joke, with good money on the ground, no one is safe!

kathleen buys a lady cave

yes, buys

so i guess that "blind item" that was floating around about the two kisses becoming the two kisses once again must have had its wings clipped, fallen from the heavens and to its death because the doll is a proud new homeowner of a big ass mansion in grimaldi. she has three acres worth of lush gardens, several tropical swimming pools and a private beach only accessible by boat. fancy bitch. and although there are 13 bedrooms in her new home, not one of them has a sign saying : JOEY'S ROOM, NO GOILS ALLOWED outside.

oh well, hopefully his bedroom in the alley behind the riot house is comfy! because his ass is going to be there for a while. maybe if he rearranges his broken vodka bottles and cardboard boxes, it will feel more like home? LOL, then again, maybe not.

sodapop told papers, in between moving box after box of doll's shit out, that he is sure the kisses are soul mates and that the doll is only doing this to joey to see him squeamish. coolio.....

i don't get it - if the doll is heartbroken, barefoot and pregnant and joey is heartbroken, why don't those 2 just give it another chance? no one cares what they do, as long as they provide us with hot drama to distract us from our boring lives. i'm just trying to tell you.......

baby babble begs kiss to stay

kathleen is president of the broken hearts club

stay?? oh honnay que pena! he is long gone! and....am i on another planet in outer space right now huffing moon dust and eating supernova bites? because seriously, last time i checked, i thought she dumped him!!

word has come out today (from joey's camp of hobo friends, no less) that the doll has been begging joey to return to her. that dog should know to come when called!

anyways, it all began the other week with her famous love notes, and then continued when she invited him on a "friendly, casual, chill" dinner that quickly turned into an unfriendly, hella super awkward, very unchill night out on the isle of grimaldi, where the doll is currently looking to purchase a huge ass mansion to throw single lady parties in hopefully.

so the two had dinner last week, and this is when joey claims the doll really started to "lose it". sigh. he said after seeing each other in person for the first time since their breakup, she began leaving him crazy answerphone messages, saying that she made a big mistake and needed him to come home.

obvio mommy kat wants to settle down with her newborn, a husband, a golden retriever and own a house with white picket fences. how typical of her! yawn. bore. she should paint her house tie-dye, pierce her baby's nose, plant marijuana in the victory garden and make a tofurky for thanksgiving. she needs to keep it a little more cutting edge, this is the doll we're talking about.

is baby babble going batty?

doll writes joey love notes

the press is having a field day poking fun at heartbroken doll - they "discovered" (and by discovered, i mean they carefully picked through a trashcan) several love notes left for joey outside of the hovel he is currently calling home.

ummm did i miss something? why is the beautiful one writing joey anything except for a bill for all the valuable time she wasted with him?!

one reads :

you're my joey - you'll always be my joey. i'll always love you baby. don't ever fucking question that.

*gulps* i totally see them getting back together in 4, 3, 2.......

another love notes reads like lyrics from a 1970s song :

do you remember when we first met? that's the day i knew you were my pet.

but my favorite reads :

you'll always be my baby baby baby, don't ever forget me.

doll, are you drunk? he couldn't forget you even if he got a lobotomy! first of all, you've been together for like 5 years and you two are having a child together, remember?! OMG, you really need to stop with the drama.

besides, shouldn't joey be racking whatever brain cells he has left for ways to get baby babble back? and if he can't come up with any ideas, he surely should ask his brother jimmy - it hasn't been long since those 2 split, maybe he remembers a shortcut into getting back to the doll's good graces.

.....or not! i say let them do whatever it is those two want to do. if they want to hug and kiss it out - fine - and if later kathleen wants to blame it all on mercury retrograde - so be it.

wut a bitch!

doll buys joey's dream car for herself

wow being the doll's ex must be fun - you get booted out of the mansion to live in a gutter, you have no real talents aside from making the doll giggle and her heart go pitter patter, you have no money since everything is in her name, no one recognizes you without the doll next to you and if they do recognize you, you receive looks of pity, the list could go on... and now joey can add another reason he is glad the doll made her grand exit off the stage of his life - she just bought his dream car! some 1960s classic greasermobile with dice hanging off the mirror. and if that didn't twist the knife deeper into his heart, her vanity license plate reads : 1SINGLE1

ouch. wasn't is just last week we saw joey hawking all his old doll-affiliated junk on the corner just so he can make rent? kathleen should cruise by blaring riot grrrl music and flip him the bird.

in other doll news, she was seen riding around in aforementioned dream car with an unidentified tall, dark, handsome male. has holzy been replaced? is anyones' heart safe?

ACAB

all cops are bastards - just ask 'right hook' kiss!

this is sad news we all saw coming - joey kiss beat doll crush hans von holzy in front of god and everybody.....and then promptly gets thrown in the clink!
you gotta hand it to him, though - nobody touches his baby, not even if his baby is willing! outside of the riot house, the two hotheaded males bumped into each other and hans was in the wrong place at the wrong time when we're talking about "right hook" joey, because he ended up spending the night in the hospital.
and even though joey is grinning from ear to ear because he is now the new featherweight champion of the arcadian streets, his skinny ass is still doing it in jail.
well, well, well doll - looks like you're on your own!

these are the days of our doll...

goes on a skate date with holzy

even though the beautiful one is a hella pregnant and it is below zero in arcadia, she skipped on her merry way away from joey today to go skateboarding with holzy in some downtown warehouse that probably looked like a horror movie set and probably also had a rapey vibe.

even though the warehouse is owned by holzy and a group of his lame friends, the two had the place to themselves and skated around for several hours, before returning back to holzyhaus in holzy's luxury automobile.

sodapop and ludo, who joined them at their junior high makeout party, told papers all about it. sodapop said that it was awkward to be there and he felt like they were moments away from kissing the whole time. he also added that the two were listening to R&B music and flirting nonstop with each other. barf. get a hotel room.

ludo didn't have much to comment, just that he pulled hans on the side and warned him about how many guns joey owns. word to the wise.

but still - do you, doll! if your pregnancy hormones are raging and holzy doesn't mind that you have a fiancé, by all means! but, just in case he has any sense of decency, i would get your locks changed now, doll, before joey goes stage 5 OJ psycho on you.

happy new year!

time to toast! grab your champagne glass! 

may it be a year full of happiness, babies and weddings. hopefully all of the cocaine, heroin, booze, needles, devil worshiping, exhaustion, ciggies, pills, drunk driving, suicide attempts, etc, etc. will be left in the past! 2014 doesn't need the drama.

also, could we leave jimmy in the past too? just him being alive and breathing spins rumors that he and the doll are still together! and we already have enough trouble with sexy von holzy!

in other doll news, photographers were quick to snap photos of kathleen drinking what appeared to be champagne, even though she promised, crossed her heart and hoped to die that there was only apple juice in her flute. and you know what? i believe her!